Robot Chicken (2001–…): Season 6, Episode 17 - Botched Jewel Heist - full transcript

[ Thunder crashes ]

[ Laughs evilly ]

[ Sawing ]

[ Electricity crackles ]

It's alive!

[ Thunder crashes ]

[ Laughs evilly ]

[ Smooch! ]

[ Laughs evilly ]

So, what's my surprise, fellas?

I can't wait.



Oh [Bleep].

Aw, this is gonna be a great sandwich.

Not yet.

Aw, yeah.

Which way to the free iPads?

Ah [Bleep]..

[ Beep ]

You just [bleep] with the wrong Jew.

Aw, yeah.

Pescetarian, baby.

What?
You don't know what that means?

Well, let me drop some truth
on your ass right now.

[ Rapping ] ♪ the vegetarian
lifestyle is healthy as [Bleep] ♪

♪ to my four-legged homeys ♪



♪ no reason to duck ♪

♪ but you finned [Bleep]
got this emcee gunnin' ♪

♪ meat is murder ♪

♪ but them fish had it comin' ♪

♪ omega-3 fatty acids run deep ♪

♪ but don't sleep ♪

♪ the price you pay is too steep ♪

♪ I never seen a fish who
ain't a punk-ass bitch ♪

♪ high Mercury ♪

♪ killin' my brothers and [Bleep] ♪

♪ got a hot yacht ♪

♪ that's the stone-cold killer ♪

♪ make these fish lie
still as Ben Stiller ♪

Hey!

♪ Harpoons in the front ♪

♪ harpoons in the back ♪

♪ man, that [Bleep] fish mama ♪

♪ she's dressed in black ♪

♪ every chicken of the sea
gonna need an escape pod ♪

♪ watch me turn Cape COD into rape COD ♪

♪ my dick, your mouth ♪

♪ gonna make a fine pairing ♪
Psych!

♪ That was a [Bleep] red herring ♪

♪ pop, pop, pop ♪

♪ call me your pop, pop, pop ♪

Pescetarian.

♪ Pop, pop, pop ♪

Steve Jobs [Bleep]

♪ Pop, pop, pop ♪

Pescetarian.

♪ Pop, pop, pop ♪

Duchovny.

♪ Pop, pop, pop ♪

Fried fish.

♪ Pop, pop, pop ♪

[ Coughing ]

[Bleep] Fish bone [Bleep]

You okay, man?

Uh, doc, are you sure this
is absolutely necessary?

No.

I'm sticking my finger up a
grown man's ass on a [Bleep]

Hunch.

You forgot the sword of omens?

I'm a cat, Panthro.

I get distracted easily.

I'm a cat, too, but you don't see
me losing focus every time --

[ bird squawks ]

Bird! Bird! Bird! Bird!

All right, let's do this.

Sword of omens, come to my hand.

[ Gasps ]

Run!

Hurry up, you stupid sword.

[ Panting ]

Wilykit!

Geez, it's heavy.

No!

Floor it, Panthro!

Finally.

Wait, there's blood on it.

Obviously, someone doesn't know
how to respect my nice things.

Where is my mother?

I don't know how to tell you this.

I'm afraid your mother is a zombie!

Oh, no!

Oh, yes!

She just sits in front of
those soap operas all day!

So, she's not a real zombie?

No.

I used the word in the figurative sense.

Well, that is a relief.

This week's "scary movie for
people with heart conditions"

will be right back.

Approved by the American
heart association.

Maybe it's time to stop, William.

No, I can get this.

I can get this.

Come on, Travis.

Let's have sex on my roommate's bed.

Oh, man, you're so dirty.

I'm gonna get... oh! Right there.

Oh, it's almost as good as... oh, yeah.

Oh, man.

We're totally having sex!

Yeah, this is the best!

Oh, sex feels so good!

No, no, no, don't stop!

Oh, right there!

[ Both scream ]

♪ Do do do do ♪

♪ do do do do do do ♪

♪ do do do do ♪

♪ do do do do do do ♪

♪ friends forever ♪

♪ Jason plus Michael ♪

♪ equals best friends forever ♪

♪ palling around like two buddies do ♪

[ Both scream ]

♪ Killing slutty girls ♪

♪ putting pictures in scrapbooks ♪

♪ sharing adventures ♪

♪ having a good time ♪

Whoo!

♪ Dismembering bodies ♪

♪ and eating some cookies ♪

Yum!

♪ Talking about crushes and
then killing those crushes ♪

♪ Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers ♪

♪ best friends ♪

♪ forever ♪

Die! Die! Die!

[ Crying ]

♪ Do do do do ♪

♪ do do do do do do ♪

You act like you don't have
feeling, but I bet deep down you

want to care, don't you?

Tell me you want to care.

Tell me.

Tell me you want to care.

Oh, yeah! That's it!

Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

You need a credit-card number?

Okay. It's 438 -- have you
ever seen a kitten sneeze?

[ Laughs ] It's very cute.

Don't blink, or you might miss it.

Any second now, that kitten
is going -- [ Roars ]

The "scary movie for people with
heart conditions" was a lie

from the very start!

Good luck calling 911 with your heart
completely stopped, you dumb assholes!

Cull the wheat from the chaff!

You never know when the mood
for bear sex will strike.

But when it does, be ready with
bear-alis, the roofie formulated

specially for bears.

Bear-alis is the only animal
tranquilizer pill proven to work

fast and last a long time so you
can [Bleep] that bear right away.

And then, after you've had time
to re-boner, go for the deuce.

Ask your doctor about bear-alis.

You never know when the mood
for bear sex will strike.

When it does, be ready with
bear-alis brand roofies for bears.

If you tell anyone, I
will [Bleep] [Bleep] you.

So, goofy, did your parents
take it okay when you told them

you and Clarabelle are together?

Well, of course, Minnie.

Why wouldn't they?

Because she's a cow and you're a dog!

It's u-- it's unnatural!

Someone finally said it!

But, gawrsh, guys.

T-there isn't anybody like me out there.

Well, there's Pluto.

I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.

I move we vote to ban mixed-species
couples from the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.

Do I have a second?

I second!

No! You can't legislate love!

Oh, really?

Two confirmed bachelors who've
cohabitated their entire lives

have liberal social ethics?

[ Laughing ] Shocker.

We're brothers.

We're cousins.

[ Chuckles ]

Get your story straight, fellas.

Just a reminder -- I'm
actually human under all this,

so belle and I are cool, right, guys?

Guys?

[ Gavel bangs ]

All right, enough, enough.

All in favor?

[ All shout "aye" ]

The motion passes.

Everyone, please stop fighting!

I, Walt Disney, created you to
spread happiness, not bigotry.

He so did.

Just look at me -- Uncle Remus.

You tells them, Massa Disney.

Well, I guess it's back to the grave.

Disney out.

[ All gasp ]

10 years have passed since
the third world war.

The most valuable resources in
this terrible new world -- food,

water, gasoline.

But for those forgotten holidays
struggling to survive, the most

valuable resource is children!

[ Gasps ]

Daddy, it's a turkey on a motorcycle!

Be quiet!

Keep your heads down!

[ Tires screeching ]

That man's suit looks like the
flag we burned for warmth!

It looks so fun!

Daddy! Daddy, can we stop?

Be quiet! Don't look at them!

How much for the little girl?!

[ Tires screech ]

[ Gobbling ]

How about a little
fireworks, scarecrows?!

[ Sighs ] That was awful.

Oh, boy!

Again! Again! Again!

Idiots!

We raised three idiots!

My sack is so full.

Would you care to slurp up its contents?

Yay! Candy!

[ Laughs evilly ]

[ Screams ]

Now, you know I couldn't let that
cactus put a prick in you, kid!

That's his job.

Geez. That guy is creepy.

Hang on!

[ Tires screech ]

Hey, where is arbor day?

Gaah!

I've had enough of this [Bleep]

I think we made it.

Dear?

What the hell is that?!

Ho! Ho! Ho!

[ Engine turns over ]

Honey?

Dad, what are you doing?!

I'm gonna spread a
little Christmas cheer.

All over the [Bleep] desert.

Yaah!

He is real!

[ Gasps ]

I love you, Santa Claus!

It was a feeling that Santa Claus had
long forgotten -- the love of a child.

They didn't need to kidnap the children.

They just needed a place in their hearts.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

The lesson from this tale of woe--
always keep the holidays

alive in your heart.

Or just remember that turkey
riding a motorcycle, because

that was pretty [bleep] cool.