Robot Chicken (2001–…): Season 5, Episode 5 - Malcolm X: Fully Loaded - full transcript
Find out what crimes your Thanksgiving turkey committed and was then pardoned for. See who earns the title of lamest villain ever.
[ Thunder crashing ]
[ Drilling, sawing ]
[ Electricity crackling ]
It's alive!
So, that ends our lesson on STDs.
Next, I'm gonna show you
how to use a condom.
Uh, who the hell are you?
What the... Where the hell did all these
half-baby, half-cabbages come from?
Oh, damn it, Carl!
That boy Carl jerk off
in the cabbages again?!
He sure did!
You got to fire that boy!
I'm gonna fire him right now.
Carl, you are fired, sir!
Carl, you are fired and disgusting!
I got this, honey. Carl... You can't
jerk off on someone's produce!
I-I told him that, honey.
You're not allowed to be here, Carl!
You're [bleep] with our livelihood!
I tried to help you, son,
because you're homeless and
drug-addled, but you cannot be
masturbating on our produce, son.
Carl, that is not the way you make a
baby, by [bleep] on a cabbage head!
I got it, honey.
[Bleep] We can't sell it if
it's covered in your semen.
He knows.
I've already told him.
Carl, get out of here!
You're [bleep] disgusting!
You are fired, fired, fired, fired!
I do not think we're gonna
be able to recommend you for
another job, unless that job
implies that you are supposed to
have semen on produce!
I'm not gonna recommend you.
If anyone calls me, I'm gonna tell
them you are a chronic masturbator!
[Bleep]
There's semen everywhere!
This is your last warning!
Come out or we're coming in!
[ Helicopter blades whirring ]
Okay, move, move, move, move!
[ Gasps ]
There he is!
What, behind the turkey?
Get him!
[ Turkey gobbling ]
[ Groaning ]
So, on this day of Thanksgiving, I,
president Obama, hereby pardon this turkey.
[ Both gasp ]
Obama... soft on crime.
Vote Sarah Palin 2012.
Dead or alive, you're coming with me.
Not gonna happen.
[ Sighs ]
Well, I guess that's it, then.
I made my first pizza as a boy of 13, and
now I'm making my last pizza tonight.
Nobody made them like you, gramps.
Hi.
Got a pizza for Silverstein?
Ha ha ha!
Here you are, son.
You got the last one.
Aw, thanks.
Enjoy.
[ Bells jingle, door closes ]
[ Sobbing ]
[ Muttering ]
Aah! Aah!
[ Whistle! ]
Aah!
Ow! Son of a bitch!
Ah, screw it.
I'll go to Burger King.
Stupid pizza. [ Grunts ]
[ Horn honks ]
Ah, pizza!
[ Grunting ]
Hey!
I want that pizza!
[ Whip! ]
I'm starving!
[ Both grunting ]
Poop on it!
[ Groaning, farting ]
[Bleep]
The old man later died.
[ Dramatic music plays ]
[ Bleats ]
Tarzan love Jane.
I love you, too, Tar...
But Tarzan not in love with Jane.
Hello, yellow!
Hello!
[ Spy music plays ]
Do it! Do it!
Just do it!
[ Gunshot ]
[ Crowd screaming ]
[ Snorts ]
[ Wrist device beeping ]
What's he doing?
Take him down! Take him down!
[ Cellphone beeps ]
[ Laughs ]
Oh, he was texting me.
We should, uh, probably
get our stories straight.
Mmm! Mom, this is so good.
What is it?
It's called "cole slaw,"
honey, also known as
"poor-people salad."
Mmm! It's delicious!
How do you make it?
Are you my daddy?
Sure, kid.
Oh. This doesn't seem right.
[ Screaming ]
[ Screaming continues ]
So, I just moved to L.A.
You want to get some Dunkin' Donuts?
Brah, we don't have
Dunkin' Donuts in L.A.
[ Eerie music plays ]
"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Steve Jobs."
"Well, you've made
my life awesome."
"Oh?
How gracious of you, America."
Oh, compact disc, so clear, so crisp.
Jobs will pay for making you obsolete.
Have at thee!
[ Disc shatters ]
You've ruined my plan!
What?
Jobs would be dead right now
if you hadn't shown up.
Who are you?
I'm Zuneman!
Ah, the legends are true.
That's right!
There is a sadder hero than myself.
Hey! At least I'm not an outdated format
that's only used as a coaster now.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
You're worse.
Your state-of-the-art software
and crystal-clear sound quality
are matched only by your
terrible product design and
counterintuitive menu display.
We're working on it!
[ Grunts ]
Well, for someone with 120
gigs, you move pretty slow.
[ Whoosh! Slice! ]
Ruh-roh!
Looks like somebody's got a scratch.
Guess I'll have to buy a new one.
They have repair kits!
[ Gunshot ]
What are you doing here, CD?
I told you, you're over.
[ Shing! ]
[ Gun cocks ]
Don't make me kill you.
You already have!
Aaah!
He's dead.
Who are you?
I'm Zune!
Really?
[ Laughing ] Wow!
What a terrible design.
Make it quick.
Hmm...
I wouldn't waste the bullets.
Please!
Don't leave me like this.
No!
Daddy, what's that?
I think it's a pager.
[ Banging ]
Hey, what's that?
W-who's there?
Damn it, Alfonse!
That's coming out of
your college fund.
[ Crying ]
[ Gasps ] A Teddy Ruxpin?!
He can play any tape, and he moves
his mouth along with the words!
Oh! Thanks, Uncle Gallagher!
Let's try it out!
I've got a copy of my stand-up
special, "Melon Crazy."
[ Electricity crackles ]
[ Whip! Whip! ]
[ Warble! Whip! ]
Aah!
[ Grunts ]
[ Glass shatters ]
Aah!
No! He's got a cyanide capsule.
Don't you bite down,
you son of a bitch!
You're gonna play my tape!
[ Gurgles ]
He's... he's gone.
Ah. We'll have to listen
to it in the living room.
[ Gasps ]
N-o-o-o-o-o!
Whoo! All right!
I'm Nicky Passion, and I'm here to show
you how to manage your team and...
All: Achieve your dream!
All right!
Oh, check out the mug on this one.
Hey, mirror, mirror on your face, what
brought you to this helpful place?
Well, I run my own business.
I'm kidding, rearview.
I read your bio.
I know the story.
Let's take a look at your video.
Next time, G.I. Joe!
Next time, G.I. Joe!
Next time, G.I. Joe.
But that next time
never comes, does it?
No.
Maybe it's time you stopped Cobra
Commanding and start Cobra Commending.
You run one of the most successful
terrorist organizations in the world.
Isn't that something to be proud of?
I guess.
Maybe once you step back and look,
you'll realize that you've already...
All: Achieved your dream!
That's not exactly my dream.
I paid $300 for this?
I'm sorry, sir.
I don't see a name tag for Cy-kill.
But I told Crasher to book my trip.
She must have failed me.
You see, I need this
seminar more than anyone.
Sorry.
There's really nothing I can do.
Well, there's nothing you can do about
me taking all the free cookies.
[ Engine revs ]
[ Laughing evilly ]
I am Megatron, leader
of the Decepticons.
Aw, sounds more like
a self-decepticon.
[ Laughs ] Let's take a look.
This is your fault, Megatron!
You're firing blanks, Megatron!
How do my balls taste, Megatron?
And what's your girl Friday's name?
Starscream.
Listen to me now, tons of fun.
It's not the gun in the fight
but the fight in the gun.
And this guy here is starscreaming
for an ass-whupping!
Listen to me now.
You stand for number one, but
you always sit for number two.
Ah. Thank you.
All right. There you go.
All right.
We got time for one more, folks.
Where is... [ Scooter beeping ]
[ Whip! ]
Charmin, you all good?
What? Who's there?
Whoops.
I think I woke him, folks.
Who's there?
Anyway, Tommy, do me a favor and
put that shame spotlight on
the gay blade in 13C!
Oh, oh, Nicky!
Bones, what the hell
are you doing here?
I told you, man, I can't help you.
But I've been doing the exercises you
gave me and writing in my dream journal.
Have... have you defeated
He-Man once yet?
Well... just once?
I mean, what does "defeated"
even really mean, you know?
I mean, one man's defeat is just another man's...
Hee hee, I'll just go.
All right, get on out of here.
And remember, folks, you can't be the
top dog if you act like a pussy.
Enjoy your lunch!
[ Rock-'n'-roll music plays ]
[ Indistinct conversations ]
[ Cloth unraveling ]
All: [ Murmuring ]
I can see your mumm-balls.
Watch out! Evil raisin!
Oh, looks like an old hacky sack.
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪
Ba-gawk! Bawk.
[ Drilling, sawing ]
[ Electricity crackling ]
It's alive!
So, that ends our lesson on STDs.
Next, I'm gonna show you
how to use a condom.
Uh, who the hell are you?
What the... Where the hell did all these
half-baby, half-cabbages come from?
Oh, damn it, Carl!
That boy Carl jerk off
in the cabbages again?!
He sure did!
You got to fire that boy!
I'm gonna fire him right now.
Carl, you are fired, sir!
Carl, you are fired and disgusting!
I got this, honey. Carl... You can't
jerk off on someone's produce!
I-I told him that, honey.
You're not allowed to be here, Carl!
You're [bleep] with our livelihood!
I tried to help you, son,
because you're homeless and
drug-addled, but you cannot be
masturbating on our produce, son.
Carl, that is not the way you make a
baby, by [bleep] on a cabbage head!
I got it, honey.
[Bleep] We can't sell it if
it's covered in your semen.
He knows.
I've already told him.
Carl, get out of here!
You're [bleep] disgusting!
You are fired, fired, fired, fired!
I do not think we're gonna
be able to recommend you for
another job, unless that job
implies that you are supposed to
have semen on produce!
I'm not gonna recommend you.
If anyone calls me, I'm gonna tell
them you are a chronic masturbator!
[Bleep]
There's semen everywhere!
This is your last warning!
Come out or we're coming in!
[ Helicopter blades whirring ]
Okay, move, move, move, move!
[ Gasps ]
There he is!
What, behind the turkey?
Get him!
[ Turkey gobbling ]
[ Groaning ]
So, on this day of Thanksgiving, I,
president Obama, hereby pardon this turkey.
[ Both gasp ]
Obama... soft on crime.
Vote Sarah Palin 2012.
Dead or alive, you're coming with me.
Not gonna happen.
[ Sighs ]
Well, I guess that's it, then.
I made my first pizza as a boy of 13, and
now I'm making my last pizza tonight.
Nobody made them like you, gramps.
Hi.
Got a pizza for Silverstein?
Ha ha ha!
Here you are, son.
You got the last one.
Aw, thanks.
Enjoy.
[ Bells jingle, door closes ]
[ Sobbing ]
[ Muttering ]
Aah! Aah!
[ Whistle! ]
Aah!
Ow! Son of a bitch!
Ah, screw it.
I'll go to Burger King.
Stupid pizza. [ Grunts ]
[ Horn honks ]
Ah, pizza!
[ Grunting ]
Hey!
I want that pizza!
[ Whip! ]
I'm starving!
[ Both grunting ]
Poop on it!
[ Groaning, farting ]
[Bleep]
The old man later died.
[ Dramatic music plays ]
[ Bleats ]
Tarzan love Jane.
I love you, too, Tar...
But Tarzan not in love with Jane.
Hello, yellow!
Hello!
[ Spy music plays ]
Do it! Do it!
Just do it!
[ Gunshot ]
[ Crowd screaming ]
[ Snorts ]
[ Wrist device beeping ]
What's he doing?
Take him down! Take him down!
[ Cellphone beeps ]
[ Laughs ]
Oh, he was texting me.
We should, uh, probably
get our stories straight.
Mmm! Mom, this is so good.
What is it?
It's called "cole slaw,"
honey, also known as
"poor-people salad."
Mmm! It's delicious!
How do you make it?
Are you my daddy?
Sure, kid.
Oh. This doesn't seem right.
[ Screaming ]
[ Screaming continues ]
So, I just moved to L.A.
You want to get some Dunkin' Donuts?
Brah, we don't have
Dunkin' Donuts in L.A.
[ Eerie music plays ]
"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Steve Jobs."
"Well, you've made
my life awesome."
"Oh?
How gracious of you, America."
Oh, compact disc, so clear, so crisp.
Jobs will pay for making you obsolete.
Have at thee!
[ Disc shatters ]
You've ruined my plan!
What?
Jobs would be dead right now
if you hadn't shown up.
Who are you?
I'm Zuneman!
Ah, the legends are true.
That's right!
There is a sadder hero than myself.
Hey! At least I'm not an outdated format
that's only used as a coaster now.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
You're worse.
Your state-of-the-art software
and crystal-clear sound quality
are matched only by your
terrible product design and
counterintuitive menu display.
We're working on it!
[ Grunts ]
Well, for someone with 120
gigs, you move pretty slow.
[ Whoosh! Slice! ]
Ruh-roh!
Looks like somebody's got a scratch.
Guess I'll have to buy a new one.
They have repair kits!
[ Gunshot ]
What are you doing here, CD?
I told you, you're over.
[ Shing! ]
[ Gun cocks ]
Don't make me kill you.
You already have!
Aaah!
He's dead.
Who are you?
I'm Zune!
Really?
[ Laughing ] Wow!
What a terrible design.
Make it quick.
Hmm...
I wouldn't waste the bullets.
Please!
Don't leave me like this.
No!
Daddy, what's that?
I think it's a pager.
[ Banging ]
Hey, what's that?
W-who's there?
Damn it, Alfonse!
That's coming out of
your college fund.
[ Crying ]
[ Gasps ] A Teddy Ruxpin?!
He can play any tape, and he moves
his mouth along with the words!
Oh! Thanks, Uncle Gallagher!
Let's try it out!
I've got a copy of my stand-up
special, "Melon Crazy."
[ Electricity crackles ]
[ Whip! Whip! ]
[ Warble! Whip! ]
Aah!
[ Grunts ]
[ Glass shatters ]
Aah!
No! He's got a cyanide capsule.
Don't you bite down,
you son of a bitch!
You're gonna play my tape!
[ Gurgles ]
He's... he's gone.
Ah. We'll have to listen
to it in the living room.
[ Gasps ]
N-o-o-o-o-o!
Whoo! All right!
I'm Nicky Passion, and I'm here to show
you how to manage your team and...
All: Achieve your dream!
All right!
Oh, check out the mug on this one.
Hey, mirror, mirror on your face, what
brought you to this helpful place?
Well, I run my own business.
I'm kidding, rearview.
I read your bio.
I know the story.
Let's take a look at your video.
Next time, G.I. Joe!
Next time, G.I. Joe!
Next time, G.I. Joe.
But that next time
never comes, does it?
No.
Maybe it's time you stopped Cobra
Commanding and start Cobra Commending.
You run one of the most successful
terrorist organizations in the world.
Isn't that something to be proud of?
I guess.
Maybe once you step back and look,
you'll realize that you've already...
All: Achieved your dream!
That's not exactly my dream.
I paid $300 for this?
I'm sorry, sir.
I don't see a name tag for Cy-kill.
But I told Crasher to book my trip.
She must have failed me.
You see, I need this
seminar more than anyone.
Sorry.
There's really nothing I can do.
Well, there's nothing you can do about
me taking all the free cookies.
[ Engine revs ]
[ Laughing evilly ]
I am Megatron, leader
of the Decepticons.
Aw, sounds more like
a self-decepticon.
[ Laughs ] Let's take a look.
This is your fault, Megatron!
You're firing blanks, Megatron!
How do my balls taste, Megatron?
And what's your girl Friday's name?
Starscream.
Listen to me now, tons of fun.
It's not the gun in the fight
but the fight in the gun.
And this guy here is starscreaming
for an ass-whupping!
Listen to me now.
You stand for number one, but
you always sit for number two.
Ah. Thank you.
All right. There you go.
All right.
We got time for one more, folks.
Where is... [ Scooter beeping ]
[ Whip! ]
Charmin, you all good?
What? Who's there?
Whoops.
I think I woke him, folks.
Who's there?
Anyway, Tommy, do me a favor and
put that shame spotlight on
the gay blade in 13C!
Oh, oh, Nicky!
Bones, what the hell
are you doing here?
I told you, man, I can't help you.
But I've been doing the exercises you
gave me and writing in my dream journal.
Have... have you defeated
He-Man once yet?
Well... just once?
I mean, what does "defeated"
even really mean, you know?
I mean, one man's defeat is just another man's...
Hee hee, I'll just go.
All right, get on out of here.
And remember, folks, you can't be the
top dog if you act like a pussy.
Enjoy your lunch!
[ Rock-'n'-roll music plays ]
[ Indistinct conversations ]
[ Cloth unraveling ]
All: [ Murmuring ]
I can see your mumm-balls.
Watch out! Evil raisin!
Oh, looks like an old hacky sack.
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪
Ba-gawk! Bawk.