Robot Chicken (2001–…): Season 5, Episode 3 - Big Trouble in Little Clerks 2 - full transcript
The creators imagine what goes on deep in the jungles of Pandora late at night, Harold and his purple crayon go on an adventure in a bad neighborhood, Major Nelson uses Jeannie to get back at NASA for firing him, and everyone in the G.I. Joe ranks gets to animal sidekick.
[ Thunder crashing ]
[ Drilling, sawing ]
[ Electricity crackling ]
It's alive!
You take the blue
pill, our story ends.
You take the red pill, you stay
in Wonderland, and I show you
how deep the rabbit hole goes.
[ Gulps ]
Oh, hello, rabbit hole.
Cy-Kill is on our tail, Scooter.
We need to go faster.
[ Chuckling ] No problem, Leader-1.
Initiating walker mode!
Hold onto your go-butt!
Let's cut this sketch.
Welp, they cut NASA's budget again!
Early retirement with no benefits!
I... I-I think I might be
having a breakdown, Jeannie.
Oh, no!
Does master need a back rub?
Are you listening to me?!
Master needs a damn minute to himself!
Hmph!
Maybe I'll just spend
the night in my bottle.
Your bottle's gonna spend the
night up your ass if you don't
conjure up some whiskey
and a fistful of pills!
[ Canned laughter ]
[ Boing! ]
[ Gulping ]
All right, main boosters
are ready for a "go."
It's a beautiful morning for a
launch, ladies and gentlemen.
[ Alarm beeps ]
Uh, hold on.
Uh, Charlie Delta, there appears
to be a giant old-timey lollipop
with an erection
approaching your shuttle.
Be on aware.
[ Giggling ]
[ Slurring ] I'm here for my
exit interview, space [bleep]
Master! Oh, please!
Please wish for it to
start raining eyeballs?!
[ Laughs ]
You got it!
Gentlemen, we have some weather.
I am Mictecacihuatl, the
Aztec goddess of death!
Aah!
[ Both roaring ]
Uh, mission control, we have
a visual on the cast of
"Good Times" chewing on the
fuel cable for thruster three.
Jimmie "J.J." "Kid Dy-no-mite" Walker
is almost through the insulation.
Can you confirm? Over.
Negative, Charlie Delta.
Attempting to communicate with a
sentient Victorian doll, over.
[ Deep bellow ]
I now know what hell sounds like.
Recommend a tactical nuclear
strike at my position.
Tell my family I love them.
Oh, there, there, master.
[ Chuckling ] Yes.
A giant butt!
Oh, I showed them all, didn't I?
Oh.
Did you bring the money?
It's right here.
It's all there, you son of a bitch...
$5 million in bearer bonds.
Now give me my son!
[ Whistles ]
Jayden!
Daddy!
Thank God!
Okay, guess we're all done here.
Okay. Yeah. I-I guess we are.
Unless you went to the [bleep] cops!
You said no cops.
Is some [bleep] sniper gonna
kill me the second I walk away?
No.
Is there a [bleep] trace
in this briefcase?
No.
Are you just gonna kidnap
my son again later?
Why would I?
I have $5 million.
We'll be right back with another
thrilling tale of... Bark! Bark!
You're doing it!
Bark! Bark!
Good girl, Lassie!
Oh, you bitch!
[ Chuckles ]
Apologies, my dear.
It's...
Kind of what I am known for.
Daddy, how do they get
the cork in the bottle?
Well, Abigail...
Ungh! Aaaaah!
[ Cries ]
Stop crying and tell lies!
A-Abigail is a good little girl!
Ungh! Aaaaah!
[ Voice breaking ] W-what?
Yep.
Pinocchio must have read your diary.
[ Mid-tempo R&B music plays ]
Whoo!
♪ Everything in this jungle
wanna eat you, baby ♪
♪ I can't blame 'em,
'cause you look so fine ♪
♪ I want to give you sexual rabies ♪
♪ sexual rabies ♪
♪ gimme that sweet,
sweet monkey vagine ♪
♪ though I want to put
your pelvis in traction ♪
♪ on Pandora, the main attraction is ♪
♪ blue rabbits [bleep] ♪
Whoo!
♪ Blue rabbits [bleep] Yeah ♪
Whoo!
♪ Blue rabbits [bleep] ♪
♪ you know, you won't see rabbit
sex in "The Lord of the Rings" ♪
♪ smack her in the ass
with your ponytail thing ♪
♪ Jake Sully was a soldier
in a bad position ♪
♪ he won't be scoring with
that spinal condition ♪
♪ they put him in a body
with a tail and fangs ♪
♪ and what we are presuming is an ♪
♪ indigo wang ♪
♪ now he's gonna nail all
the beaver he wanna ♪
♪ while the animators spank
it to Zoe Zaldana-a-a ♪
♪ and now we've got ♪
♪ blue rabbits [bleep] ♪
Whoo!
♪ Blue rabbits [bleep] Yeah ♪
Whoo!
♪ Blue rabbits [bleep] ♪
♪ blue rabbits [bleep] ♪
Everywhere! ♪
And now a word from James Cameron.
Ork! Ork! Ork! Ork! Ork!
♪ This whole planet's
got [bleep] stench ♪
♪ you can smell it on the other... ♪
Yay!
[ Grunting ]
Got to go!
[ Farts ]
And that's why bottled water
is an $8 billion industry.
Getting it clean.
I'm sorry, Twiki.
You have diabete-bete-betes.
This lasik procedure shouldn't
take very long, Fred.
The success rate is very, very low.
You think this is bad?
My last job was giving late-term
abortions to unwed teens.
[ Canned laughter ]
Dean Proffitt, since you knew
that wealthy socialite had
amnesia, your actions amount to
kidnapping, forced servitude, and rape.
The court sentences you to death.
[ Chuckling ] Oh! Hey, hey!
Let's not go overboard.
[ Laughs ]
Okay, you can go.
Whoo-hoo!
[ Both chuckling ]
I've had the best time tonight.
Me too.
You know, when Jennifer said she
had a cute friend, I had no idea
she'd be a silverhawk.
Let's, um...
Skip dessert.
What do you think?
That is so hot!
[ Clank! ]
How do I take your armor off?
Armor?
[ Chuckles ]
That's my body.
[ Chuckling ] W-what?
Partly metal, partly real?
It's in our theme song.
Oh. Yeah.
I-I, uh...
So, well... So how do we?
Just pound on my crotch with
this ball-peen hammer.
[ Clanging ]
Oh, yes! Yes!
Yeah? Am I doing it?
Harder! Do it! Okay! Yes!
All right. I'm swinging it.
Yeah, yeah. You like that?
Yeah, yeah.
Is this doing something?
Ow! Oh, piss on it!
I hit my thumb!
[ Clanging in distance ]
Shh. Do you hear that?
I think I want to go home now.
Are you ready for another
incredible adventure?
All: Yeah!
Casper?
Oh, no. It's my mom.
Oh, my God! Casper!
You've come back to me!
No, mom.
I came back to have fun
adventures with my new friends.
Duh.
New friends?
Casper, I've been crying every
day for the last two years!
[ Crying ] Why'd you have to
play by the pool, Casper?!
Come on, guys.
Let's ditch this wet
blanket and play!
[ Cackles ]
This next tale of terror follows
the unusual death of one
Chet Masterson, who...
Wait a minute.
I knew a Chet Masterson.
Can we find out if...
I-it's the same one?
No, I guess that was a
couple months ago.
He's dead? You're kidding me.
No. No. I can't do this, guys.
It wouldn't be right.
I knew him.
No! [Bleep] you, Jerry!
I'm not reading it!
[ Gasps ]
"Debbie Does Dallas"?
"Taboo"?
The collected works of Eva Angelina!
Finally, I have time...
All the time in the world!
[ Snap ]
Ooh! Oop!
No.
That's not fair.
There was time now.
There was finally time!
Now, Joes, keep your faces right
in the dirt and... [ Sniffs ]
Oh! What the hell?!
This smells like dog [bleep]
[ Laughs ]
Duke, looks like you
just rolled craps!
[ Laughter ]
Doo-doo head!
[ Freedom screeches ]
Hey!
[ Polly squawks ]
Hey!
[ Wolf growls ]
Hey!
All right, Joes.
We've got work to do, so... [ Splash ]
Aw, a cat pissed in my helmet!
Sorry, Duke.
That was my sidekick, Cat Scan.
Why is everyone bringing
animals into the pit?!
It's all right here in the handbook, Duke...
One animal per Joe.
Wait a minute.
You mean we all get a pet?
[ Excited indistinct talking ]
[ Engines rumble ]
The element of surprise.
Duke to Gung-Ho, you better be ready.
Ready, Duke.
These cobras won't know what...
[ Elephant trumpets ]
Quiet, Dumbolaya!
For the love of... Dumbo!
Oh, the sneak attack is blown.
All Joes attack!
Here we go, Stink Bomb.
Let's roast some snakes.
[ Flamethrower whooshes ]
[ Skunk screeches ]
No! This can't be going on!
Oh, me bones!
Oh, they're torchin' me bones!
I've torched my own bones!
Eat throwing star, cobra scum.
[ Dog barks ]
Lumpy, no!
[ Dog whines ]
Roses are red, pansies are orange.
I love killing cobras... Ow!
[ Horse whinnies ]
[ Indistinct shouting ]
Oh, no! The animals!
The animals have ruined everything!
No, Duke.
There's still one more pet... Mine.
[ Whale calls ]
[ Crash ]
Deep Six, that's medal of
honor material right there.
Oh, look out.
[ Both laugh ]
In your face, everyone
who said I was useless!
[ Upbeat hip-hop music plays ]
[ Scoffs ]
Aren't you a little old
to be clubbing, dude?
I'm only 25.
I have progeria.
[ Cackles ]
***
[ Drilling, sawing ]
[ Electricity crackling ]
It's alive!
You take the blue
pill, our story ends.
You take the red pill, you stay
in Wonderland, and I show you
how deep the rabbit hole goes.
[ Gulps ]
Oh, hello, rabbit hole.
Cy-Kill is on our tail, Scooter.
We need to go faster.
[ Chuckling ] No problem, Leader-1.
Initiating walker mode!
Hold onto your go-butt!
Let's cut this sketch.
Welp, they cut NASA's budget again!
Early retirement with no benefits!
I... I-I think I might be
having a breakdown, Jeannie.
Oh, no!
Does master need a back rub?
Are you listening to me?!
Master needs a damn minute to himself!
Hmph!
Maybe I'll just spend
the night in my bottle.
Your bottle's gonna spend the
night up your ass if you don't
conjure up some whiskey
and a fistful of pills!
[ Canned laughter ]
[ Boing! ]
[ Gulping ]
All right, main boosters
are ready for a "go."
It's a beautiful morning for a
launch, ladies and gentlemen.
[ Alarm beeps ]
Uh, hold on.
Uh, Charlie Delta, there appears
to be a giant old-timey lollipop
with an erection
approaching your shuttle.
Be on aware.
[ Giggling ]
[ Slurring ] I'm here for my
exit interview, space [bleep]
Master! Oh, please!
Please wish for it to
start raining eyeballs?!
[ Laughs ]
You got it!
Gentlemen, we have some weather.
I am Mictecacihuatl, the
Aztec goddess of death!
Aah!
[ Both roaring ]
Uh, mission control, we have
a visual on the cast of
"Good Times" chewing on the
fuel cable for thruster three.
Jimmie "J.J." "Kid Dy-no-mite" Walker
is almost through the insulation.
Can you confirm? Over.
Negative, Charlie Delta.
Attempting to communicate with a
sentient Victorian doll, over.
[ Deep bellow ]
I now know what hell sounds like.
Recommend a tactical nuclear
strike at my position.
Tell my family I love them.
Oh, there, there, master.
[ Chuckling ] Yes.
A giant butt!
Oh, I showed them all, didn't I?
Oh.
Did you bring the money?
It's right here.
It's all there, you son of a bitch...
$5 million in bearer bonds.
Now give me my son!
[ Whistles ]
Jayden!
Daddy!
Thank God!
Okay, guess we're all done here.
Okay. Yeah. I-I guess we are.
Unless you went to the [bleep] cops!
You said no cops.
Is some [bleep] sniper gonna
kill me the second I walk away?
No.
Is there a [bleep] trace
in this briefcase?
No.
Are you just gonna kidnap
my son again later?
Why would I?
I have $5 million.
We'll be right back with another
thrilling tale of... Bark! Bark!
You're doing it!
Bark! Bark!
Good girl, Lassie!
Oh, you bitch!
[ Chuckles ]
Apologies, my dear.
It's...
Kind of what I am known for.
Daddy, how do they get
the cork in the bottle?
Well, Abigail...
Ungh! Aaaaah!
[ Cries ]
Stop crying and tell lies!
A-Abigail is a good little girl!
Ungh! Aaaaah!
[ Voice breaking ] W-what?
Yep.
Pinocchio must have read your diary.
[ Mid-tempo R&B music plays ]
Whoo!
♪ Everything in this jungle
wanna eat you, baby ♪
♪ I can't blame 'em,
'cause you look so fine ♪
♪ I want to give you sexual rabies ♪
♪ sexual rabies ♪
♪ gimme that sweet,
sweet monkey vagine ♪
♪ though I want to put
your pelvis in traction ♪
♪ on Pandora, the main attraction is ♪
♪ blue rabbits [bleep] ♪
Whoo!
♪ Blue rabbits [bleep] Yeah ♪
Whoo!
♪ Blue rabbits [bleep] ♪
♪ you know, you won't see rabbit
sex in "The Lord of the Rings" ♪
♪ smack her in the ass
with your ponytail thing ♪
♪ Jake Sully was a soldier
in a bad position ♪
♪ he won't be scoring with
that spinal condition ♪
♪ they put him in a body
with a tail and fangs ♪
♪ and what we are presuming is an ♪
♪ indigo wang ♪
♪ now he's gonna nail all
the beaver he wanna ♪
♪ while the animators spank
it to Zoe Zaldana-a-a ♪
♪ and now we've got ♪
♪ blue rabbits [bleep] ♪
Whoo!
♪ Blue rabbits [bleep] Yeah ♪
Whoo!
♪ Blue rabbits [bleep] ♪
♪ blue rabbits [bleep] ♪
Everywhere! ♪
And now a word from James Cameron.
Ork! Ork! Ork! Ork! Ork!
♪ This whole planet's
got [bleep] stench ♪
♪ you can smell it on the other... ♪
Yay!
[ Grunting ]
Got to go!
[ Farts ]
And that's why bottled water
is an $8 billion industry.
Getting it clean.
I'm sorry, Twiki.
You have diabete-bete-betes.
This lasik procedure shouldn't
take very long, Fred.
The success rate is very, very low.
You think this is bad?
My last job was giving late-term
abortions to unwed teens.
[ Canned laughter ]
Dean Proffitt, since you knew
that wealthy socialite had
amnesia, your actions amount to
kidnapping, forced servitude, and rape.
The court sentences you to death.
[ Chuckling ] Oh! Hey, hey!
Let's not go overboard.
[ Laughs ]
Okay, you can go.
Whoo-hoo!
[ Both chuckling ]
I've had the best time tonight.
Me too.
You know, when Jennifer said she
had a cute friend, I had no idea
she'd be a silverhawk.
Let's, um...
Skip dessert.
What do you think?
That is so hot!
[ Clank! ]
How do I take your armor off?
Armor?
[ Chuckles ]
That's my body.
[ Chuckling ] W-what?
Partly metal, partly real?
It's in our theme song.
Oh. Yeah.
I-I, uh...
So, well... So how do we?
Just pound on my crotch with
this ball-peen hammer.
[ Clanging ]
Oh, yes! Yes!
Yeah? Am I doing it?
Harder! Do it! Okay! Yes!
All right. I'm swinging it.
Yeah, yeah. You like that?
Yeah, yeah.
Is this doing something?
Ow! Oh, piss on it!
I hit my thumb!
[ Clanging in distance ]
Shh. Do you hear that?
I think I want to go home now.
Are you ready for another
incredible adventure?
All: Yeah!
Casper?
Oh, no. It's my mom.
Oh, my God! Casper!
You've come back to me!
No, mom.
I came back to have fun
adventures with my new friends.
Duh.
New friends?
Casper, I've been crying every
day for the last two years!
[ Crying ] Why'd you have to
play by the pool, Casper?!
Come on, guys.
Let's ditch this wet
blanket and play!
[ Cackles ]
This next tale of terror follows
the unusual death of one
Chet Masterson, who...
Wait a minute.
I knew a Chet Masterson.
Can we find out if...
I-it's the same one?
No, I guess that was a
couple months ago.
He's dead? You're kidding me.
No. No. I can't do this, guys.
It wouldn't be right.
I knew him.
No! [Bleep] you, Jerry!
I'm not reading it!
[ Gasps ]
"Debbie Does Dallas"?
"Taboo"?
The collected works of Eva Angelina!
Finally, I have time...
All the time in the world!
[ Snap ]
Ooh! Oop!
No.
That's not fair.
There was time now.
There was finally time!
Now, Joes, keep your faces right
in the dirt and... [ Sniffs ]
Oh! What the hell?!
This smells like dog [bleep]
[ Laughs ]
Duke, looks like you
just rolled craps!
[ Laughter ]
Doo-doo head!
[ Freedom screeches ]
Hey!
[ Polly squawks ]
Hey!
[ Wolf growls ]
Hey!
All right, Joes.
We've got work to do, so... [ Splash ]
Aw, a cat pissed in my helmet!
Sorry, Duke.
That was my sidekick, Cat Scan.
Why is everyone bringing
animals into the pit?!
It's all right here in the handbook, Duke...
One animal per Joe.
Wait a minute.
You mean we all get a pet?
[ Excited indistinct talking ]
[ Engines rumble ]
The element of surprise.
Duke to Gung-Ho, you better be ready.
Ready, Duke.
These cobras won't know what...
[ Elephant trumpets ]
Quiet, Dumbolaya!
For the love of... Dumbo!
Oh, the sneak attack is blown.
All Joes attack!
Here we go, Stink Bomb.
Let's roast some snakes.
[ Flamethrower whooshes ]
[ Skunk screeches ]
No! This can't be going on!
Oh, me bones!
Oh, they're torchin' me bones!
I've torched my own bones!
Eat throwing star, cobra scum.
[ Dog barks ]
Lumpy, no!
[ Dog whines ]
Roses are red, pansies are orange.
I love killing cobras... Ow!
[ Horse whinnies ]
[ Indistinct shouting ]
Oh, no! The animals!
The animals have ruined everything!
No, Duke.
There's still one more pet... Mine.
[ Whale calls ]
[ Crash ]
Deep Six, that's medal of
honor material right there.
Oh, look out.
[ Both laugh ]
In your face, everyone
who said I was useless!
[ Upbeat hip-hop music plays ]
[ Scoffs ]
Aren't you a little old
to be clubbing, dude?
I'm only 25.
I have progeria.
[ Cackles ]
***