Robot Chicken (2001–…): Season 5, Episode 11 - Beastmaster and Commander - full transcript
The creators imagine what CHiPs would have been like if the cops had actual potato chip heads, a magical zebra helps out a man with a broken cell phone, Green Lantern wears his ring on another part of his body, and the Bloopers Host returns with clips from his life.
It's alive!
"Casablankman"
Now this is pod racing!
You'll never get me again,
butthole!
Slave boy no more!
Eat your fucking salad.
Look! We finally made it!
The Legendary Pyraminxes!
They must be full of treasure!
Penis puzzle!
You better keep your mouth off
it, Reynaldo!
It's a snake, you jackass!
Rubik the amazing cube
can help us/annoy us
with his cutesy
'80s-cartoon voice!
Give me that!
Boys have better spatial
reasoning than girls!
I'd be angry at that sexist comment
if it wasn't a proven scientific fact
backed up by years
of academic research!
And done!
Rubik, here to help!
Ugh, that voice is like getting
anal sexed in the ear canal!
But first, Rubik been dying
to ask--
Why did you turn Rubik back
into lifeless puzzle last time?
Oh, uh... we had to get you
through customs.
That was three days ago!
Do you know where Rubik's spirit
goes when you jumble Rubik's colors?
- A dark, cold neverland of hopelessness--
- Damn it, Rubik!
What do you want,
an apology blowjob?
Do something!
Rubik, here to help!
Oh, no! No!
Ohh, my anus!
Do it, Rubik. End his pain!
Rubik, here to help!
Oh, Reynaldo!
He's in a better place.
A place without is-thay
butt licker-cay.
Look out!
Whoa!
I don't know which way to run!
I have no spatial reasoning!
Rubik, here to help.
Aah! My seeing parts!
Oh, there you are.
I'll bring you back, Rubik.
Friendless nerd kids solve you
blindfolded all the time.
I've seen it on Youtube when I
get bored of skateboard accidents.
Hey!
What?
Oh, is this not cool?
I-I thought it was cool.
I-I'm sor--
I-I thought it was cool.
Is this better?
Are we cool now?
Are we cool now?
A-are we cool now?
You-- You all stood there and
did nothing.
Did nothing.
You did nothing!
Back off, psycho!
Release that beautiful soul!
Yeah!
Sport hunting is murder,
you sick son of a bitch!
Hey, hey, guys, this is
all totally legit.
I've got my permits.
Skinned them head to toe
just for kicks.
I'll bet you feel like a real
big shot, don't you?
Don't you?!
Listen, guys.
This is just my vacation, okay?
I'm not looking for any trouble.
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!
No, don't tou-- aah!
Come here. There you go.
Come here.
Yeah, there you go.
That guy's gone now.
Look at him. He's filthy.
Aww, shh, shh, shh.
We're gonna make you all better.
That's right.
And there you go!
Go on, boy! Go!
Run and be free!
I don't understand why anyone would
hurt such an innocent creature.
Are you having a good time,
Pinocchio?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, this is great.
Oooh!
Oh, you should ask before you
stick a finger in there!
That wasn't a finger.
This is fucking terrible.
Klingon ship approaching.
Man the phasers, Mr. Sulu.
Yes, captain.
We've lost power!
Mr. Spock, quickly,
tricoder reading.
Uhura, scanners!
Chekov, red alert, red alert!
Rrrr-eeee! Wrrr-eeee!
Dramatic battle music now!
Scotty, monitor's down.
Give me a Klingon ship now!
- Sulu, phasers, now!
- Bzzshh! Bzzshh! Bzzshh!
Should we fire torpedoes?
Not yet.
Pizza? Check.
La-z-boy? Check.
Entertainment?
Checkmate!
Skating on top of this
skyscraper's a great idea, bros!
Here comes the double
kick flip-- Whoa!
- I'm falling!
- Great scott!
Everybody, relax.
He had a scare. I saved him.
He's gonna be fine.
Whoa! It worked, bros!
I got Supe'd!
We got Supe'd!
We got Supe'd!
You got what?
What does he-- I got what?
Hey, check it out!
My dad's gun.
Great scott!
- What were you guys thinking?
- Guys! I got the whole thing!
Let's put it on Youtube!
Yeah!
So epic!
Hold on. You set me up?
We got Supe'd!
Oh, hell, no!
Give me that camera.
Oh, someone help!
It's gonna blow!
Come on!
I'm not happy, but I'm here.
Quickly, superman!
There's not a moment to lose!
Yeah!
Looks like you're gonna have to
save me, Superman!
Really? It's up to me?
Okay.
How, may I ask, did you get
strapped to a bomb?
I don't know.
I think Lex Luger did it.
Oh, Lex Luger did it?
The wrestler?
He did this? Wow.
I mean, I usually fight
Lex Luthor,
but that guy
sounds really bad.
- Hurry! It's ticking down!
- Oh, don't worry.
I will, 'cause I really
believe you,
so let me just use the old super
muscles on this chain and --
Uh-oh!
Made of kryptonite.
What? No, it's not!
Yeah, it is.
Oh, I guess I can't save you.
Oh, and that's too bad,
considering this bomb looks so real
and couldn't possibly be made of parts
you found in your parents' garage.
Yeah!
"The Total Package" is back,
Superman!
Go, Lex Luger!
It's your birthday! It's your birthday!
It's your birthday!
It's your birthday!
It's your birthda--
Rex, here, boy!
Hey, boy, want to play fetch?
Come on, come on!
One more!
You can do this, He-Man!
Can this be the end of
He-Man?
Ah, rest it on your throat,
chump.
Aren't you supposed to be in
spin class?
Already spinning!
Spinning!
Spinning!
Spinning!
Spinning-- Aah!
Things here at the 24-hour Flip-Lex
have gotten crazy,
ever since the Snake Mountain's
gotten shut down for black mould.
Black mould's really
bad for breathing.
Oh, hey, I'll get that for you.
Oops!
Aw, come on!
Take a picture.
It'll last longer.
Their professions require
them to work out constantly.
They either have
to be ripped like gods
or built like lingerie models--
Or, for some, both.
This is a new personal best!
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
You're such a dirty birdie.
Yeah. Mm-hmm.
- You paying attention up there?
- Oh, yeah.
Something's obscuring my
vision.
Uh-huh.
What the hell is that, man?
It's-- It's getting bigger.
Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Oh, my God!
Get your fucking boner off
of my--
You care if I change
the channel?
Really? Rachael Ray?
Yeah. So what?
Your name is Evil-Lyn.
I thought you'd watch something
more, you know evil!
What do you think I watch
when I'm on the treadmill,
"Faces of Death"?
Yeah, maybe.
Rachael Ray's husband pays
chicks to spit on him.
Allegedly.
You know, just a fun fact.
So, that yellow skin--
Is that
a vitamin deficiency or...?
Yeah. Unlike you, I'm all
out of vitamin bitch.
Fine! Forget it, Anal-Lyn.
Greetings, girls!
- Whoa!
- Oh, my God.
Whew! Whoa!
Hot in here!
I love a good sweat, but it sure
makes my cooter itch.
Wow! It like you guys not
trying hard at all.
Look who's talking.
I only affect the "dur" voice
to better complete the illusion
I'm you,
you spray-tanned side of beef.
I'd kill that guy
if we weren't so evenly matched!
You know, maybe I could help
you with that problem.
This doesn't concern you,
Duncan!
Get the fuck out of here!
Ba-gawk! Bawk.
Oh, come on!
Yeah, sure, oh, he's hung like
a rhino, and I get a face
like a pirate flag.
Yeah, that's real fucking fair.
"Casablankman"
Now this is pod racing!
You'll never get me again,
butthole!
Slave boy no more!
Eat your fucking salad.
Look! We finally made it!
The Legendary Pyraminxes!
They must be full of treasure!
Penis puzzle!
You better keep your mouth off
it, Reynaldo!
It's a snake, you jackass!
Rubik the amazing cube
can help us/annoy us
with his cutesy
'80s-cartoon voice!
Give me that!
Boys have better spatial
reasoning than girls!
I'd be angry at that sexist comment
if it wasn't a proven scientific fact
backed up by years
of academic research!
And done!
Rubik, here to help!
Ugh, that voice is like getting
anal sexed in the ear canal!
But first, Rubik been dying
to ask--
Why did you turn Rubik back
into lifeless puzzle last time?
Oh, uh... we had to get you
through customs.
That was three days ago!
Do you know where Rubik's spirit
goes when you jumble Rubik's colors?
- A dark, cold neverland of hopelessness--
- Damn it, Rubik!
What do you want,
an apology blowjob?
Do something!
Rubik, here to help!
Oh, no! No!
Ohh, my anus!
Do it, Rubik. End his pain!
Rubik, here to help!
Oh, Reynaldo!
He's in a better place.
A place without is-thay
butt licker-cay.
Look out!
Whoa!
I don't know which way to run!
I have no spatial reasoning!
Rubik, here to help.
Aah! My seeing parts!
Oh, there you are.
I'll bring you back, Rubik.
Friendless nerd kids solve you
blindfolded all the time.
I've seen it on Youtube when I
get bored of skateboard accidents.
Hey!
What?
Oh, is this not cool?
I-I thought it was cool.
I-I'm sor--
I-I thought it was cool.
Is this better?
Are we cool now?
Are we cool now?
A-are we cool now?
You-- You all stood there and
did nothing.
Did nothing.
You did nothing!
Back off, psycho!
Release that beautiful soul!
Yeah!
Sport hunting is murder,
you sick son of a bitch!
Hey, hey, guys, this is
all totally legit.
I've got my permits.
Skinned them head to toe
just for kicks.
I'll bet you feel like a real
big shot, don't you?
Don't you?!
Listen, guys.
This is just my vacation, okay?
I'm not looking for any trouble.
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!
No, don't tou-- aah!
Come here. There you go.
Come here.
Yeah, there you go.
That guy's gone now.
Look at him. He's filthy.
Aww, shh, shh, shh.
We're gonna make you all better.
That's right.
And there you go!
Go on, boy! Go!
Run and be free!
I don't understand why anyone would
hurt such an innocent creature.
Are you having a good time,
Pinocchio?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, this is great.
Oooh!
Oh, you should ask before you
stick a finger in there!
That wasn't a finger.
This is fucking terrible.
Klingon ship approaching.
Man the phasers, Mr. Sulu.
Yes, captain.
We've lost power!
Mr. Spock, quickly,
tricoder reading.
Uhura, scanners!
Chekov, red alert, red alert!
Rrrr-eeee! Wrrr-eeee!
Dramatic battle music now!
Scotty, monitor's down.
Give me a Klingon ship now!
- Sulu, phasers, now!
- Bzzshh! Bzzshh! Bzzshh!
Should we fire torpedoes?
Not yet.
Pizza? Check.
La-z-boy? Check.
Entertainment?
Checkmate!
Skating on top of this
skyscraper's a great idea, bros!
Here comes the double
kick flip-- Whoa!
- I'm falling!
- Great scott!
Everybody, relax.
He had a scare. I saved him.
He's gonna be fine.
Whoa! It worked, bros!
I got Supe'd!
We got Supe'd!
We got Supe'd!
You got what?
What does he-- I got what?
Hey, check it out!
My dad's gun.
Great scott!
- What were you guys thinking?
- Guys! I got the whole thing!
Let's put it on Youtube!
Yeah!
So epic!
Hold on. You set me up?
We got Supe'd!
Oh, hell, no!
Give me that camera.
Oh, someone help!
It's gonna blow!
Come on!
I'm not happy, but I'm here.
Quickly, superman!
There's not a moment to lose!
Yeah!
Looks like you're gonna have to
save me, Superman!
Really? It's up to me?
Okay.
How, may I ask, did you get
strapped to a bomb?
I don't know.
I think Lex Luger did it.
Oh, Lex Luger did it?
The wrestler?
He did this? Wow.
I mean, I usually fight
Lex Luthor,
but that guy
sounds really bad.
- Hurry! It's ticking down!
- Oh, don't worry.
I will, 'cause I really
believe you,
so let me just use the old super
muscles on this chain and --
Uh-oh!
Made of kryptonite.
What? No, it's not!
Yeah, it is.
Oh, I guess I can't save you.
Oh, and that's too bad,
considering this bomb looks so real
and couldn't possibly be made of parts
you found in your parents' garage.
Yeah!
"The Total Package" is back,
Superman!
Go, Lex Luger!
It's your birthday! It's your birthday!
It's your birthday!
It's your birthday!
It's your birthda--
Rex, here, boy!
Hey, boy, want to play fetch?
Come on, come on!
One more!
You can do this, He-Man!
Can this be the end of
He-Man?
Ah, rest it on your throat,
chump.
Aren't you supposed to be in
spin class?
Already spinning!
Spinning!
Spinning!
Spinning!
Spinning-- Aah!
Things here at the 24-hour Flip-Lex
have gotten crazy,
ever since the Snake Mountain's
gotten shut down for black mould.
Black mould's really
bad for breathing.
Oh, hey, I'll get that for you.
Oops!
Aw, come on!
Take a picture.
It'll last longer.
Their professions require
them to work out constantly.
They either have
to be ripped like gods
or built like lingerie models--
Or, for some, both.
This is a new personal best!
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
You're such a dirty birdie.
Yeah. Mm-hmm.
- You paying attention up there?
- Oh, yeah.
Something's obscuring my
vision.
Uh-huh.
What the hell is that, man?
It's-- It's getting bigger.
Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Oh, my God!
Get your fucking boner off
of my--
You care if I change
the channel?
Really? Rachael Ray?
Yeah. So what?
Your name is Evil-Lyn.
I thought you'd watch something
more, you know evil!
What do you think I watch
when I'm on the treadmill,
"Faces of Death"?
Yeah, maybe.
Rachael Ray's husband pays
chicks to spit on him.
Allegedly.
You know, just a fun fact.
So, that yellow skin--
Is that
a vitamin deficiency or...?
Yeah. Unlike you, I'm all
out of vitamin bitch.
Fine! Forget it, Anal-Lyn.
Greetings, girls!
- Whoa!
- Oh, my God.
Whew! Whoa!
Hot in here!
I love a good sweat, but it sure
makes my cooter itch.
Wow! It like you guys not
trying hard at all.
Look who's talking.
I only affect the "dur" voice
to better complete the illusion
I'm you,
you spray-tanned side of beef.
I'd kill that guy
if we weren't so evenly matched!
You know, maybe I could help
you with that problem.
This doesn't concern you,
Duncan!
Get the fuck out of here!
Ba-gawk! Bawk.
Oh, come on!
Yeah, sure, oh, he's hung like
a rhino, and I get a face
like a pirate flag.
Yeah, that's real fucking fair.