Robot Chicken (2001–…): Season 5, Episode 10 - Robot Chicken's DP Christmas Special - full transcript
Come celebrate the holidays with Robot Chicken and see what the very first Christmas was like!
[thunder crashing]
[drilling, sawing]
[electricity crackling]
It's alive!
[laughing evilly]
Can you hear me?
Hello?
Oh, okay, there you are.
Oh, fuck! Hello? Hello?
Are you there?
Damn it!
I swear, I would blow a zebra if
I could get a cellphone that
never drops the signal!
[laughs]
I have heard your wish.
I am a wish-granting zebra.
Seriously?!
I-I can't believe it.
So, you can make my cellphone
work anywhere?
I don't know. Can I?
[gagging]
Oh, come on,
it wasn't that bad.
Think of all the calls you can
make now.
- Yeah, I guess that's true.
- Hey, you going west?
Could you give me
a ride to the Palisades?
Uh, I-I guess.
Hey. Hey, honey.
Yeah, no, I'm just
on the way over--
[beep]
Hello? Hey, what's the deal?!
Well, I only fixed your
phone.
I can't fix theirs.
Okay, I-I guess
that makes sense.
Wait a second
[tires screech]
What's up, pal?
- I was talking to my wife.
- Okay.
She was on the phone in our house!
That's a landline!
Is that right?
Well, this is my stop.
What the hell?!
You're not a zebra at all!
Nope, just a horny little horse
with some smoke bombs to spare!
Poof!
[laughs]
Veringular Wireless. So you don't
have to blow a magical zebra.
What do you want for your
last meal, Anderson?
I want to eat your wife's
[bleep]
Damn it! Not again!
[beep]
Honey, it's me.
Can you head over to the jail
with your lasagna?
Great. Thanks.
[bleep]
Can we replace the batteries in
that smoke detector?
[siren wailing]
Oh, damn it! Chips!
[wailing continues]
License and registration,
please.
Ow!
Wow, you are freaking
delicious!
[guns cock]
Hey, hey, easy, pal!
[tires screech]
You boys need a little
backup?
Who's the new guy?
Name's Pringle.
Something a little too
perfect about you.
Something doesn't stack up.
Oh, I stack up.
I stack up real nice.
Bye!
[tires screech]
Not so fast, buddy.
[tires screech]
Wow, that was real ranch
style, Pringle!
You know it.
And then he just roped the guy.
It was beautiful, chief.
Yeah, but it went against
department protocol.
We had to can him.
[muffled]
I'm a good cop!
# Whoa #
# I'm crushing #
# on a crush #
# Bicycles, lemonade, Game Boy #
# Game Boy #
# Crushing so hard #
# So hard, girl #
# and I like Skittle,
Sk-Skittles #
# Skittle, Sk-Skittles #
And cut! This is the edgiest
thing I've ever worked on!
Edgy?
Yeah, young lesbian proud of
who she is, singing about it--
Awesome!
That's a little boy.
[thud, feedback]
[animals chattering]
[sloop!]
Ow, my [bleep] back!
No, d-d-don't touch me!
Just go get someone, Sharon!
Autobots, Earth is our home now.
As such, we should give
ourselves earthly names.
Okay, I guess I'll be
Bumblebee.
It's cute and nonthreatening.
I enjoy the music I've heard
some of these Earth cats play.
I'll go by Jazz.
And I shall be Optimus Prime.
- Oh, really?
- What?
Optimus Prime?
I didn't call myself
Maximus Genitalia.
But you know I'm the leader.
Yeah, man, we do know, which
makes me wonder why I have to be
reminded every time
we say your name.
You know we all think
you're great, man.
Who you trying to convince?
[echoing]
Convince, convince.
Hey, dad, I got an "A" on
my Math test.
Oh, good job,
Incredibus Disappointmentmax.
They hand out football trophies
for "'A' on Math test"?
Uh, no.
Well, then transform and roll
out of my [bleep] way!
Oh. Oh, daddy.
And now you know.
Are you okay...
Optimus Prime?
Oh, you sons of bitches.
[laughs] Come here.
Give it up, Sinestro!
Just turn yourself in!
You know what?
I should!
I should do that just to blow
your [bleep] mind!
Yeah, I dareyou!
You dare me to end our
decades-old rivalry on a dare?
How would that even work?
Just walk right into the police
station and tell them to cuff you.
Aha!
Aah!
[crying]
Oh, God! Oh, God, I-I
meant to do handcuffs!
- Aah, my hands, aah!
- Oh, my God!
Oh, God, I'm so sorry!
Oh, God, I can't look!
I can't -- I got to bounce!
I'm sorry!
I'll call 911 from
the car, I swear!
[ding!]
[door closes, tires screech]
[warble!]
Welcome back to Oa, home of
the Green Lantern corps.
[ding!]
I'm sorry, Hal Jordan, but we
cannot restore your hands.
But power rings can do
anything given enough willpower!
Oh, really?
You wipe out cancer on Earth?
Well... No!
We feel for you, Hal Jordan,
but you can no longer
wield the power ring.
Having fingers is
kind of a prerequisite.
Um, there is a -- well, there
[chuckles] there is one other
place I could wear a power ring.
Like on a necklace?
You'd never interface properly.
No.
Another place,
south o' the border.
Jordan, are we talking about
[bleep] ring?
We are talking about a
[bleep] ring.
Oh!
Gee, buddy, did you consider
a toe ring, maybe?
Uh, how's a toe ring going to
fit on my penis?
Stupid!
Wah, wah.
Wah, wah, wah, wah.
Wah, wah.
A new kid?
Oh, boy, maybe he'll take over
my position on the totem pole
around here.
You'll always be the [bleep]
catcher, Charlie Brown!
Well, whoever he is, he'll
never replace by sweet Babboo!
Oh, brother!
Hey, everyone.
My name is Ren -- Ren McCormack.
- Beat it!
- Aah!
Ooh, hello!
You're just in time for our
dance rehearsal.
We're practicing a number for
our Christmas pageant.
I love to dance!
My last town
banned dancing entirely.
You might say dancing makes me
feel footloose and fancy free.
Look, I'm Kevin Bacon's
character from "Footloose."
And a-one and a-two.
[up-tempo music playing]
Oh, my God, this is the worst
dancing I have ever seen.
What do you mean?
I'm sorry [bleep] box,
but you're--
- It's pig-pen.
- Sorry.
It's okay. You made a
lateral error at best.
You're just all repeating the
same move over and over again.
I mean, what is this kid
even doing?
I couldn't think of a dance!
I panicked!
Sorry, guys.
I got to get the [bleep]
out of here.
I would rather move back to a town
with no dancing than stay here.
And a-one and a-two.
[up-tempo music playing]
[up-tempo music playing]
[rock music playing]
# Ooh-ooh-ooh #
# ooh-ooh-ooh #
# Ahhhh #
# I'm gonna fly so high #
# Gonna spread my wings #
# Flying through the heavens
Where the angels sing #
# Nothing's stopping me now #
# No dream is too big #
# Gonna save the day #
# I can do anything #
# I can do anything #
[machine-gun fire]
[school bell rings]
Good news, Ren. Turns out
you can't outlaw dancing.
It's unconstitutional.
All right!
Yeah, but then they
passed a new law.
Now we have to use
Creationist textbooks.
[record scratches]
Rats!
[machine-gun fire]
[laughs]
Bet that stupid junkyard dog
can't catch us!
[growls]
You're messing with the dog!
[growls]
You died in 1998, dumb ass!
[groans]
[angels vocalizing]
Are you ready for more of
those hilarious bloopers?!
Well, unfortunately, those
hilarious clips have to be licensed,
which costs money,
which is in short supply since
our CPA liquidated our assets and blew
town to go feast on Thai schoolboys!
[canned laughter]
So instead, here are some hilarious
clips from my very own life!
[singing indistinctly]
Daddy, when I grow up, I'm
gonna marry that pretty singer!
She's the prettiest girl
I've ever seen!
No, daddy, no!
Her first name is "boy,"
Dillweed!
You come back here!
This is [bleep] kryptonite, son!
You might say my balls were
scared straight.
[canned laughter]
This next clip really made me
the butt of the joke!
Whoo-ee!
This burrito is spicy!
[gulping]
Nothing beats Mexican tap water.
[stomach gurgling]
That was probably a mistake.
[farting loudly]
My asshole is still
50% scar tissue!
[canned laughter]
Between Montezuma's
revenge and Boy George,
it was gonna happen
one way or another.
Oh, come on, man, you got to
cash in that "V" card sometime!
You're the only virgin
I know, bro!
- Yeah, but she's so--
- Dude, it's starter [bleep]
You work your way up the
food chain, I promise.
Oh, uh, geez, sorry.
It was my first time.
Yeah, you said that.
I got an early class, so...
Probably too late
to put this on, huh?
You didn't put-- Oh, my God!
And I'm pregnant.
How can you tell?
Well, that's all the time I have.
Yep, for your good buddy the
"Bloopers" host, you might say,
time is up.
For my next trick,
I'll need an assistant.
Please welcome my pregnant
13-year-old daughter, Stephanie!
[applause]
That's right-- I was such a
good parent, God is bumping me
to grandparent status way ahead
of schedule!
Dad, my ankles hurt!
Please drive me home!
Just as soon as Daddy commits
hari-kari, honey.
Now, when I disembowel myself,
you cut my head off
with the katana!
[sighs] I'll be in the car.
[canned laughter]
Stop mocking me.
[canned laughter]
[distorted laughter]
Stop mocking me!
Dad!
Coming!
[clatters]
[sloop!]
[machine-gun fire]
[drilling, sawing]
[electricity crackling]
It's alive!
[laughing evilly]
Can you hear me?
Hello?
Oh, okay, there you are.
Oh, fuck! Hello? Hello?
Are you there?
Damn it!
I swear, I would blow a zebra if
I could get a cellphone that
never drops the signal!
[laughs]
I have heard your wish.
I am a wish-granting zebra.
Seriously?!
I-I can't believe it.
So, you can make my cellphone
work anywhere?
I don't know. Can I?
[gagging]
Oh, come on,
it wasn't that bad.
Think of all the calls you can
make now.
- Yeah, I guess that's true.
- Hey, you going west?
Could you give me
a ride to the Palisades?
Uh, I-I guess.
Hey. Hey, honey.
Yeah, no, I'm just
on the way over--
[beep]
Hello? Hey, what's the deal?!
Well, I only fixed your
phone.
I can't fix theirs.
Okay, I-I guess
that makes sense.
Wait a second
[tires screech]
What's up, pal?
- I was talking to my wife.
- Okay.
She was on the phone in our house!
That's a landline!
Is that right?
Well, this is my stop.
What the hell?!
You're not a zebra at all!
Nope, just a horny little horse
with some smoke bombs to spare!
Poof!
[laughs]
Veringular Wireless. So you don't
have to blow a magical zebra.
What do you want for your
last meal, Anderson?
I want to eat your wife's
[bleep]
Damn it! Not again!
[beep]
Honey, it's me.
Can you head over to the jail
with your lasagna?
Great. Thanks.
[bleep]
Can we replace the batteries in
that smoke detector?
[siren wailing]
Oh, damn it! Chips!
[wailing continues]
License and registration,
please.
Ow!
Wow, you are freaking
delicious!
[guns cock]
Hey, hey, easy, pal!
[tires screech]
You boys need a little
backup?
Who's the new guy?
Name's Pringle.
Something a little too
perfect about you.
Something doesn't stack up.
Oh, I stack up.
I stack up real nice.
Bye!
[tires screech]
Not so fast, buddy.
[tires screech]
Wow, that was real ranch
style, Pringle!
You know it.
And then he just roped the guy.
It was beautiful, chief.
Yeah, but it went against
department protocol.
We had to can him.
[muffled]
I'm a good cop!
# Whoa #
# I'm crushing #
# on a crush #
# Bicycles, lemonade, Game Boy #
# Game Boy #
# Crushing so hard #
# So hard, girl #
# and I like Skittle,
Sk-Skittles #
# Skittle, Sk-Skittles #
And cut! This is the edgiest
thing I've ever worked on!
Edgy?
Yeah, young lesbian proud of
who she is, singing about it--
Awesome!
That's a little boy.
[thud, feedback]
[animals chattering]
[sloop!]
Ow, my [bleep] back!
No, d-d-don't touch me!
Just go get someone, Sharon!
Autobots, Earth is our home now.
As such, we should give
ourselves earthly names.
Okay, I guess I'll be
Bumblebee.
It's cute and nonthreatening.
I enjoy the music I've heard
some of these Earth cats play.
I'll go by Jazz.
And I shall be Optimus Prime.
- Oh, really?
- What?
Optimus Prime?
I didn't call myself
Maximus Genitalia.
But you know I'm the leader.
Yeah, man, we do know, which
makes me wonder why I have to be
reminded every time
we say your name.
You know we all think
you're great, man.
Who you trying to convince?
[echoing]
Convince, convince.
Hey, dad, I got an "A" on
my Math test.
Oh, good job,
Incredibus Disappointmentmax.
They hand out football trophies
for "'A' on Math test"?
Uh, no.
Well, then transform and roll
out of my [bleep] way!
Oh. Oh, daddy.
And now you know.
Are you okay...
Optimus Prime?
Oh, you sons of bitches.
[laughs] Come here.
Give it up, Sinestro!
Just turn yourself in!
You know what?
I should!
I should do that just to blow
your [bleep] mind!
Yeah, I dareyou!
You dare me to end our
decades-old rivalry on a dare?
How would that even work?
Just walk right into the police
station and tell them to cuff you.
Aha!
Aah!
[crying]
Oh, God! Oh, God, I-I
meant to do handcuffs!
- Aah, my hands, aah!
- Oh, my God!
Oh, God, I'm so sorry!
Oh, God, I can't look!
I can't -- I got to bounce!
I'm sorry!
I'll call 911 from
the car, I swear!
[ding!]
[door closes, tires screech]
[warble!]
Welcome back to Oa, home of
the Green Lantern corps.
[ding!]
I'm sorry, Hal Jordan, but we
cannot restore your hands.
But power rings can do
anything given enough willpower!
Oh, really?
You wipe out cancer on Earth?
Well... No!
We feel for you, Hal Jordan,
but you can no longer
wield the power ring.
Having fingers is
kind of a prerequisite.
Um, there is a -- well, there
[chuckles] there is one other
place I could wear a power ring.
Like on a necklace?
You'd never interface properly.
No.
Another place,
south o' the border.
Jordan, are we talking about
[bleep] ring?
We are talking about a
[bleep] ring.
Oh!
Gee, buddy, did you consider
a toe ring, maybe?
Uh, how's a toe ring going to
fit on my penis?
Stupid!
Wah, wah.
Wah, wah, wah, wah.
Wah, wah.
A new kid?
Oh, boy, maybe he'll take over
my position on the totem pole
around here.
You'll always be the [bleep]
catcher, Charlie Brown!
Well, whoever he is, he'll
never replace by sweet Babboo!
Oh, brother!
Hey, everyone.
My name is Ren -- Ren McCormack.
- Beat it!
- Aah!
Ooh, hello!
You're just in time for our
dance rehearsal.
We're practicing a number for
our Christmas pageant.
I love to dance!
My last town
banned dancing entirely.
You might say dancing makes me
feel footloose and fancy free.
Look, I'm Kevin Bacon's
character from "Footloose."
And a-one and a-two.
[up-tempo music playing]
Oh, my God, this is the worst
dancing I have ever seen.
What do you mean?
I'm sorry [bleep] box,
but you're--
- It's pig-pen.
- Sorry.
It's okay. You made a
lateral error at best.
You're just all repeating the
same move over and over again.
I mean, what is this kid
even doing?
I couldn't think of a dance!
I panicked!
Sorry, guys.
I got to get the [bleep]
out of here.
I would rather move back to a town
with no dancing than stay here.
And a-one and a-two.
[up-tempo music playing]
[up-tempo music playing]
[rock music playing]
# Ooh-ooh-ooh #
# ooh-ooh-ooh #
# Ahhhh #
# I'm gonna fly so high #
# Gonna spread my wings #
# Flying through the heavens
Where the angels sing #
# Nothing's stopping me now #
# No dream is too big #
# Gonna save the day #
# I can do anything #
# I can do anything #
[machine-gun fire]
[school bell rings]
Good news, Ren. Turns out
you can't outlaw dancing.
It's unconstitutional.
All right!
Yeah, but then they
passed a new law.
Now we have to use
Creationist textbooks.
[record scratches]
Rats!
[machine-gun fire]
[laughs]
Bet that stupid junkyard dog
can't catch us!
[growls]
You're messing with the dog!
[growls]
You died in 1998, dumb ass!
[groans]
[angels vocalizing]
Are you ready for more of
those hilarious bloopers?!
Well, unfortunately, those
hilarious clips have to be licensed,
which costs money,
which is in short supply since
our CPA liquidated our assets and blew
town to go feast on Thai schoolboys!
[canned laughter]
So instead, here are some hilarious
clips from my very own life!
[singing indistinctly]
Daddy, when I grow up, I'm
gonna marry that pretty singer!
She's the prettiest girl
I've ever seen!
No, daddy, no!
Her first name is "boy,"
Dillweed!
You come back here!
This is [bleep] kryptonite, son!
You might say my balls were
scared straight.
[canned laughter]
This next clip really made me
the butt of the joke!
Whoo-ee!
This burrito is spicy!
[gulping]
Nothing beats Mexican tap water.
[stomach gurgling]
That was probably a mistake.
[farting loudly]
My asshole is still
50% scar tissue!
[canned laughter]
Between Montezuma's
revenge and Boy George,
it was gonna happen
one way or another.
Oh, come on, man, you got to
cash in that "V" card sometime!
You're the only virgin
I know, bro!
- Yeah, but she's so--
- Dude, it's starter [bleep]
You work your way up the
food chain, I promise.
Oh, uh, geez, sorry.
It was my first time.
Yeah, you said that.
I got an early class, so...
Probably too late
to put this on, huh?
You didn't put-- Oh, my God!
And I'm pregnant.
How can you tell?
Well, that's all the time I have.
Yep, for your good buddy the
"Bloopers" host, you might say,
time is up.
For my next trick,
I'll need an assistant.
Please welcome my pregnant
13-year-old daughter, Stephanie!
[applause]
That's right-- I was such a
good parent, God is bumping me
to grandparent status way ahead
of schedule!
Dad, my ankles hurt!
Please drive me home!
Just as soon as Daddy commits
hari-kari, honey.
Now, when I disembowel myself,
you cut my head off
with the katana!
[sighs] I'll be in the car.
[canned laughter]
Stop mocking me.
[canned laughter]
[distorted laughter]
Stop mocking me!
Dad!
Coming!
[clatters]
[sloop!]
[machine-gun fire]