Robot Chicken (2001–…): Season 4, Episode 2 - They Took My Thumbs - full transcript
[ thunder crashing ]
[ drilling, sawing ]
[ electricity crackling ]
lt's alive!
[ laughs evilly ]
[ evil laughter echoing ]
This is where it will all start,
and the first thing they
run into -- spiders!
How much did these cost?
No, no, no!
They're indigenous spiders!
They're free!
Okay, keep going.
[ gasps ]
Look at this, huh?
Look at this lovely
beam of light.
Anything touches it,
what could happen?
Yah-ha-ha!
Spear through the face!
lt's the devil's magic!
No, no, no, no.
lt's just Nalumu over here.
[ chuckles ]
Okay, keep going.
Oh, uh, anyway, this is
the standard pit trap.
Pretty straightforward --
mostly for ambience,
shouldn't really
fool anyone.
[ chuckles ]
Except for Hernando, apparently.
Excuse me. Guys!
[ chuckling ]
Hernando finally went in.
Ha ha!
Knew that was coming.
[ chuckles ]
Not the brightest bulb.
His sister knew a guy.
Moving on.
We talked about doing
snakes up here,
but, come on, seriously --
''Ooh! Snakes!''
[ chuckling ]
Who does that?
This is way better.
Try to cross, but be careful!
Don't step on the wrong stone!
lt hits me with a puff of air?
No, no, no -- darts!
Lots and lots of darts!
Boo-boo-boo-bah-bah-bah!
And we're gonna carve
angry faces on the walls
that look like
they're spitting the darts!
Like this -- puh!
Angry. Puh! Puh-puh-puh-puh!
lt's gonna be great.
This may be my best work yet.
How many darts
you gonna put in there?
Uh, 200?
200?
l mean, they come
in a box of 100, so...
200?
Each one connected to
a floor plate?
Huh?
A weight mechanism, right?
Connection coils to the wall.
You said it -- ''the dart.
200 darts.''
The dart poison,
200 dart poisons,
and the dart-firing
mechanism.
l suppose 200 of those, too!
Damn it, man!
All l wanted were snakes!
But -- B-B-B-B-B-But...
check this out.
And is that our God...
just sitting there
with no protection
or covering
or anything?!
Hang on, hang on.
Seemingly, seemingly.
- Holy shit, man!
But the altar has
a weight trigger,
so if you take the idol,
down this goes,
and then the whole place --
kaboom!
Okay, but what if someone
were to swap out the idol
with something
of equal weight?
[ chuckles ]
How would you know what the
weight is without picking it up?
l mean, have you ever guessed
a jar of jelly beans, huh?
''ls that a 1 ,000 in there
or 100,000?''
''Nope! Way less!''
Probably 422 or something!
[ laughing ]
You can't know!
[ gasps ]
ls that a giant fucking boulder?!
You bet your ass that's
a giant fucking boulder!
lt'll come rolling down
and chase them!
What if they don't run?
Wouldn't you run?
Besides, they'd be trapped inside
when the boulder hit the entrance.
What if they had a friend outside
who could blast them out?
Who's gonna think of that
in advance?!
''Hey, maybe we should
pack some explosives
in case a giant fucking rolling boulder
comes after me.''
l'm not sure about
the boulder, all right?
Okay, the boulder ties it all
together!
Okay, look, look.
You liked what l did
with that salt acid trap
in Hamunaptra, Egypt, right?
You loved it.
And that skeleton organ
that made the floor collapse
in Astoria, Oregon?
Trust me!
This is my thing, dude!
People will be talking about
this one for years!
All right.
Let's give it a try, huh?
Guys!
We got the boulder!
[ all cheering ]
Oh-ho-ho!
Well, l guess it's about that
time to tell you boys
why l was
fired from the zoo.
Well, l think if we can get
just 15% more -- whoop!
Oh!
Oh, no!!
- Move the train!
- No, it'll kill him!
The second we move this train,
the pressure will be released,
and his organs will rupture!
Then don't move the train!
[ guitar music plays ]
♪ Oh, hey, there, train man ♪
♪ Train man ♪
♪ He once was just a salesman ♪
♪ But now he's a pain man ♪
♪ Train man ♪
♪ And here comes his wife and son ♪
lt's me.
l'm still gonna be
late to that meeting.
♪ Come to see
what Daddy's become ♪
All right, listen...
[ crying ]
♪ His organs squished up
by the subway ♪
♪ But his work is never done ♪
♪ There's no time for
family fun ♪
♪ He won't let being crushed
by a train ♪
♪ Derail his career ♪
♪ Now in his winter years ♪
♪ He's haunted by fears ♪
♪ His professional success
has left him empty ♪
♪ So don't end up a train man ♪
♪ Life's not a game, man ♪
♪ Or you'll end up in pain,
man ♪
♪ But not from the train, man ♪
♪ Don't blame the choo-choo ♪
♪ For your boohoo ♪
♪ Just 'cause your head was full
of poo-poo ♪
[ birds chirping ]
[ yawns ]
[ sniffles ]
Hmm, mmm.
[ gasps ]
Ooh!
Ughh!
Hmm.
Ughh!
[ humming ]
[ gasps ]
Oh.
[ chuckling ]
Yeah.
Ooh.
- Aah!
- Aah!
Aah!
Aah!
Ooh hoo hoo hoo!
[ inhales deeply, sighs ]
Ooh.
[ sniffles, slurps ]
Hmm.
[ sighs ]
[ giggles ]
[ mid-tempo light-rock music
playing ]
Your kiss,
your kiss is on my list.
[ giggles ]
Doing you up the butt --
that's on my list.
lt's a beautiful day outside!
Why don't you kids go swimming?
No way!
We're on level 25!
lt's totally cool!
What about sunshine?
Sunshine's cool.
Aw, mom.
You don't even know
what ''cool'' is!
No, but l know
someone who does!
[ heavy-metal music plays ]
A-A-A-All right!!
ALL:
Wild Man!
Are you ready to get wild?!
ALL:
Yeah!
l can't hear you!
ALL:
Yeah!!
Then l'll meet you
at the public pool!
Yeah!!
Ohhhh, yeah!!
ALL:
Wild Man!
Remember, kids, Wild Man says
never cross the street
without looking both ways
and using the crosswalk!
Thanks, Wild Man!
Ohhh, yeah!!
Yeah!!
Wild Man says drink six 8-ounce
glasses of water --
or equivalent -- a day!!
Yeah!
A-All right, thanks...
Wild Man.
Not so fast, kids!
Wild Man says always
wait one hour
after application of
sunscreen
before entering the water!
Yeah.
That's not all that wild.
Wild Man says no splashing!
Wild Man observes
the ''no running'' signs!
Wild Man never dives in less
than 12 feet of water!
Wild Man always leaves
at the first sign of pruning!
Huah-yeah!!
Huah-yeah!!
Huah-yeah!!
l want to go to bed.
Want to see how the Wild Man
brushes his teeth?
Leave us alone!
Wild Man over and out!
And remember, Wild Man knows
that marriage is a sacred bond
between a man and a woman --
never two dudes!
What are you talking about?
Yuh-yuh-yuh-yuh-yuh-yuh-yuh-
ye-e-e-e-e-e-ah!
Yuh-yuh-yuh-yuh-yuh-yuh-yuh!
''Bring a sidekick to work'' day
looks like a big success.
So, um, do you know what this
part of the arrow is called?
Let's see.
That's the shaft.
Yeah, right, the shaft.
And, uh...l don't know.
How about this part?
Uh, that's the tip.
That's the tip! Right.
[ chuckles ]
And what order would you polish
these in?
Well, l guess l would polish
the shaft and then the tip.
Damn right you would.
Ow! Sorry.
Oh, geez.
Martian Manhunter's doing the
invisible-sidekick thing again.
Care for a soda,
Martian Boyhunter?
[ ice rattling ]
Giving me the silent treatment
again.
[ chuckles ]
Kids, right?
So, you're the latest
Aqualad, eh?
There was another Aqualad
before me?
[ alarm bell ringing ]
Yeah!
Punch!
[ squealing ]
Kick!
[ squealing ]
Elbow!
[ squealing ]
Yeah!
[ camera shutter clicks ]
Wow! What happened
to that Aqualad?
[ inhales sharply ]
Uh...
[ crying ]
Oh, God, why?!
Why?!
Why is there no tartar sauce?!
[ crying, munching ]
Speedy, you better not.
Shut up, Pigeon.
This is gonna be awesome!
[ scoffs ]
And?
With our J.L.A. surveillance
technology,
we can monitor
anyone anywhere at any time.
Hey! Ha ha! That's my my mom!
Score!
[ laughing ]
Aah!
You young heroes are so much
more than mere sidekicks.
You're the future of the
Justice League of America.
Mentoring your progress gives me
an enormous amount of pride.
[ all gasp ]
Whoa!
What the fuck?!
[ laughing ]
Give me those,
you little shit stain!
l am very, very disappointed
in you, boy.
Super-speed high five.
Bye!
Thanks for coming!
We'll miss you guys!
Study hard!
Bye-bye!
See you later!
[ all screaming ]
What happened?
lt wasn't me!
Martian Boyhunter did it!
Ohhh! No! Stop!
Aah!
Come on!
[ laughs evilly ]
Douches.
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
bawk bawk ♪
Ba-gawk! Bawk.
[ drilling, sawing ]
[ electricity crackling ]
lt's alive!
[ laughs evilly ]
[ evil laughter echoing ]
This is where it will all start,
and the first thing they
run into -- spiders!
How much did these cost?
No, no, no!
They're indigenous spiders!
They're free!
Okay, keep going.
[ gasps ]
Look at this, huh?
Look at this lovely
beam of light.
Anything touches it,
what could happen?
Yah-ha-ha!
Spear through the face!
lt's the devil's magic!
No, no, no, no.
lt's just Nalumu over here.
[ chuckles ]
Okay, keep going.
Oh, uh, anyway, this is
the standard pit trap.
Pretty straightforward --
mostly for ambience,
shouldn't really
fool anyone.
[ chuckles ]
Except for Hernando, apparently.
Excuse me. Guys!
[ chuckling ]
Hernando finally went in.
Ha ha!
Knew that was coming.
[ chuckles ]
Not the brightest bulb.
His sister knew a guy.
Moving on.
We talked about doing
snakes up here,
but, come on, seriously --
''Ooh! Snakes!''
[ chuckling ]
Who does that?
This is way better.
Try to cross, but be careful!
Don't step on the wrong stone!
lt hits me with a puff of air?
No, no, no -- darts!
Lots and lots of darts!
Boo-boo-boo-bah-bah-bah!
And we're gonna carve
angry faces on the walls
that look like
they're spitting the darts!
Like this -- puh!
Angry. Puh! Puh-puh-puh-puh!
lt's gonna be great.
This may be my best work yet.
How many darts
you gonna put in there?
Uh, 200?
200?
l mean, they come
in a box of 100, so...
200?
Each one connected to
a floor plate?
Huh?
A weight mechanism, right?
Connection coils to the wall.
You said it -- ''the dart.
200 darts.''
The dart poison,
200 dart poisons,
and the dart-firing
mechanism.
l suppose 200 of those, too!
Damn it, man!
All l wanted were snakes!
But -- B-B-B-B-B-But...
check this out.
And is that our God...
just sitting there
with no protection
or covering
or anything?!
Hang on, hang on.
Seemingly, seemingly.
- Holy shit, man!
But the altar has
a weight trigger,
so if you take the idol,
down this goes,
and then the whole place --
kaboom!
Okay, but what if someone
were to swap out the idol
with something
of equal weight?
[ chuckles ]
How would you know what the
weight is without picking it up?
l mean, have you ever guessed
a jar of jelly beans, huh?
''ls that a 1 ,000 in there
or 100,000?''
''Nope! Way less!''
Probably 422 or something!
[ laughing ]
You can't know!
[ gasps ]
ls that a giant fucking boulder?!
You bet your ass that's
a giant fucking boulder!
lt'll come rolling down
and chase them!
What if they don't run?
Wouldn't you run?
Besides, they'd be trapped inside
when the boulder hit the entrance.
What if they had a friend outside
who could blast them out?
Who's gonna think of that
in advance?!
''Hey, maybe we should
pack some explosives
in case a giant fucking rolling boulder
comes after me.''
l'm not sure about
the boulder, all right?
Okay, the boulder ties it all
together!
Okay, look, look.
You liked what l did
with that salt acid trap
in Hamunaptra, Egypt, right?
You loved it.
And that skeleton organ
that made the floor collapse
in Astoria, Oregon?
Trust me!
This is my thing, dude!
People will be talking about
this one for years!
All right.
Let's give it a try, huh?
Guys!
We got the boulder!
[ all cheering ]
Oh-ho-ho!
Well, l guess it's about that
time to tell you boys
why l was
fired from the zoo.
Well, l think if we can get
just 15% more -- whoop!
Oh!
Oh, no!!
- Move the train!
- No, it'll kill him!
The second we move this train,
the pressure will be released,
and his organs will rupture!
Then don't move the train!
[ guitar music plays ]
♪ Oh, hey, there, train man ♪
♪ Train man ♪
♪ He once was just a salesman ♪
♪ But now he's a pain man ♪
♪ Train man ♪
♪ And here comes his wife and son ♪
lt's me.
l'm still gonna be
late to that meeting.
♪ Come to see
what Daddy's become ♪
All right, listen...
[ crying ]
♪ His organs squished up
by the subway ♪
♪ But his work is never done ♪
♪ There's no time for
family fun ♪
♪ He won't let being crushed
by a train ♪
♪ Derail his career ♪
♪ Now in his winter years ♪
♪ He's haunted by fears ♪
♪ His professional success
has left him empty ♪
♪ So don't end up a train man ♪
♪ Life's not a game, man ♪
♪ Or you'll end up in pain,
man ♪
♪ But not from the train, man ♪
♪ Don't blame the choo-choo ♪
♪ For your boohoo ♪
♪ Just 'cause your head was full
of poo-poo ♪
[ birds chirping ]
[ yawns ]
[ sniffles ]
Hmm, mmm.
[ gasps ]
Ooh!
Ughh!
Hmm.
Ughh!
[ humming ]
[ gasps ]
Oh.
[ chuckling ]
Yeah.
Ooh.
- Aah!
- Aah!
Aah!
Aah!
Ooh hoo hoo hoo!
[ inhales deeply, sighs ]
Ooh.
[ sniffles, slurps ]
Hmm.
[ sighs ]
[ giggles ]
[ mid-tempo light-rock music
playing ]
Your kiss,
your kiss is on my list.
[ giggles ]
Doing you up the butt --
that's on my list.
lt's a beautiful day outside!
Why don't you kids go swimming?
No way!
We're on level 25!
lt's totally cool!
What about sunshine?
Sunshine's cool.
Aw, mom.
You don't even know
what ''cool'' is!
No, but l know
someone who does!
[ heavy-metal music plays ]
A-A-A-All right!!
ALL:
Wild Man!
Are you ready to get wild?!
ALL:
Yeah!
l can't hear you!
ALL:
Yeah!!
Then l'll meet you
at the public pool!
Yeah!!
Ohhhh, yeah!!
ALL:
Wild Man!
Remember, kids, Wild Man says
never cross the street
without looking both ways
and using the crosswalk!
Thanks, Wild Man!
Ohhh, yeah!!
Yeah!!
Wild Man says drink six 8-ounce
glasses of water --
or equivalent -- a day!!
Yeah!
A-All right, thanks...
Wild Man.
Not so fast, kids!
Wild Man says always
wait one hour
after application of
sunscreen
before entering the water!
Yeah.
That's not all that wild.
Wild Man says no splashing!
Wild Man observes
the ''no running'' signs!
Wild Man never dives in less
than 12 feet of water!
Wild Man always leaves
at the first sign of pruning!
Huah-yeah!!
Huah-yeah!!
Huah-yeah!!
l want to go to bed.
Want to see how the Wild Man
brushes his teeth?
Leave us alone!
Wild Man over and out!
And remember, Wild Man knows
that marriage is a sacred bond
between a man and a woman --
never two dudes!
What are you talking about?
Yuh-yuh-yuh-yuh-yuh-yuh-yuh-
ye-e-e-e-e-e-ah!
Yuh-yuh-yuh-yuh-yuh-yuh-yuh!
''Bring a sidekick to work'' day
looks like a big success.
So, um, do you know what this
part of the arrow is called?
Let's see.
That's the shaft.
Yeah, right, the shaft.
And, uh...l don't know.
How about this part?
Uh, that's the tip.
That's the tip! Right.
[ chuckles ]
And what order would you polish
these in?
Well, l guess l would polish
the shaft and then the tip.
Damn right you would.
Ow! Sorry.
Oh, geez.
Martian Manhunter's doing the
invisible-sidekick thing again.
Care for a soda,
Martian Boyhunter?
[ ice rattling ]
Giving me the silent treatment
again.
[ chuckles ]
Kids, right?
So, you're the latest
Aqualad, eh?
There was another Aqualad
before me?
[ alarm bell ringing ]
Yeah!
Punch!
[ squealing ]
Kick!
[ squealing ]
Elbow!
[ squealing ]
Yeah!
[ camera shutter clicks ]
Wow! What happened
to that Aqualad?
[ inhales sharply ]
Uh...
[ crying ]
Oh, God, why?!
Why?!
Why is there no tartar sauce?!
[ crying, munching ]
Speedy, you better not.
Shut up, Pigeon.
This is gonna be awesome!
[ scoffs ]
And?
With our J.L.A. surveillance
technology,
we can monitor
anyone anywhere at any time.
Hey! Ha ha! That's my my mom!
Score!
[ laughing ]
Aah!
You young heroes are so much
more than mere sidekicks.
You're the future of the
Justice League of America.
Mentoring your progress gives me
an enormous amount of pride.
[ all gasp ]
Whoa!
What the fuck?!
[ laughing ]
Give me those,
you little shit stain!
l am very, very disappointed
in you, boy.
Super-speed high five.
Bye!
Thanks for coming!
We'll miss you guys!
Study hard!
Bye-bye!
See you later!
[ all screaming ]
What happened?
lt wasn't me!
Martian Boyhunter did it!
Ohhh! No! Stop!
Aah!
Come on!
[ laughs evilly ]
Douches.
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
bawk bawk ♪
Ba-gawk! Bawk.