Robot Chicken (2001–…): Season 4, Episode 18 - Please Do Not Notify Our Contractors - full transcript

Jason Bourne gets a new identity. The new Bachelor is a beast. The creators take a skewed look at the Holy Grail. Meet a character who knows how to speed things along.

[ thunder crashing ]

[ drilling, sawing ]

[ electricity crackling ]

lt's alive!

You realize when
l pulled you over

you were doing
87 miles and hour?

Yeah, l know.

Believe me,
l know.

There it is!
The Holy Grail.

Wow.

Now what?



Well, l guess one of us should
stay here and guard the cup.

Alright, why don't
we draw straws

and see who
picks the one--

Oh, come on guys. Uh--

Real mature.

Can't we just leave
a note or something?

- [laughing through the door]
- What if l get hungry?

[talking through the door]
Order in!

Oh...

109...1 10...1 1 1 ...1 12...1 13...

1 14...1 15...1 16...1 1 7...
1 18...1 19--ahh!

And a large Sprite...

Slice, ewh.
Okay, a large Slice.

lt's the third
cave on the left



You're gonna do
a Pennington summersault.

Then the door
code is Jehovah.

But, it's Latin so
it starts with an ''l''.

Are you even
writing this down?

[slurps loudly]

Mmm.

[grunts]

Didn't see that
one coming, did you?

l think l'll
grow a beard.

Am l just eating
'cause l'm bored?

[grunting excitedly]

Oh, l'm sleepy.

l have to get
some new menus.

Are you the
pizza guy?

There's no
time to explain.

Which one
is the Holy Grail?

This is the cup of
the King of Kings.

Oh--

l had the same
reaction when l

had King of Kings

l think it's
the secret sauce.

Hit the bell,
win a prize.

Oh---

[laughing]

Yeah.

Oh, l guess l--
Still got to kill it.

You shouldn't
do this.

Every night our
son wakes us up

because he things that their
is a boogie man in his closet.

Then he needs me to get
him a damn glass of water--

Honey --

No! l'll prove to him to him
that there is no boogie man.

- Ah, jeez.
- [chuckling]

Good night, mom and dad.

[ son humming and singing]

♪ Who's the master
of the universe ♪

♪ lt's gonna be me ♪

[zipper opens]

[humming]

♪ lt's gonna be
an awesome night ♪

Yeah, you like that bitch!

You are nothing!

You are slime!

You like it rough, huh?

You're a bad, bad man!

Bad naked man!

Who's gettin'punished.

Yeah, take it.

[moaning and grunting]

Who's you're daddy?

Who's you're daddy?

[grunting]

[breathing hard]

Oh, man.

l am parched.

Mom! Dad!
Boogie man in the closet.

What!?

A boogie man...

Honey,
there's no such thing.

[signaling not to say anything]
No, no, no. Shh--

Uh--

Nobody, here.

So...
good night, dear.

[dad crying]

Boogie Man?

[explosion]

Wow...

l gotta make
that fuse shorter.

[announcer]
We took a cursed monster.

And put him in
a pimped out castle

with twenty beauties.

Unless he can find true love
before the last rose petal drops,

the Beast will die.

This is
Beast and the Beauties.

Beauties,
welcome to my castle.

l just want you to know
that l had my rabies shot, so--

Let's have
a good time.

Oh...my...God!

l bet you he's a
real beast in bed.

You know l like
my men hairy, uh hmm.

l use to be a groupie
for Zee-Zee Top, yeah.

l think l could fall
in love with Beast

He reminds me
of my cat, Twinkles.

He had a very
rough tongue.

l actually lost some
sensitivity down there.

He died.

Look, l don't care
about the Beast

l don't care about anyone.

l came on this show to
show America that l can sing.

Check it---

♪ Oh, oh, baby l wanna
touch your body ♪

l wrote that, hmm.

When l first saw
the beauties, l was like, wow.

'Cause, last thing
l fucked was a horse.

So Fantasia,
tell me about yourself.

Well, l love cats.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, your coat's so soft.

Yeah, that feels good.

- You like that.
- Uh, yeah.

Scratchy,
scratchy, scratchy.

l can really see us
having a connection.

What's that?

That's an angry mob.
l think that we should go.

Oh, no.

The Beast!
Kill the Beast.

Oh, am l on TV?

So Glysterine,
tell me your story.

My story?
l'm like Mariah Carey in Glitter.

Lil' girl poor!
Lil' girl move to Hollywood!

Lil' girl rich as hell!

♪ All those girls,
at my old school ♪

♪ Can kiss my ass,
left side, right side, inside ♪

♪ Kiss my ass ♪

Hey, Beastie boy.

l go both ways so why
don't you take her and me

up to your room and we'll make
you the Beast with 3 backs

[laughing]
Oh, my God l'm so drunk.

[moaning]

[spanking]

l decided to take
some alone time

with Fantasia,
she was wasted.

So, l thought here's my chance
to get my pang, you know.

We went out into the woods

away from the cameras

but, l guess our
microphones were still on.

Three Beauties...

Only two rose petals left.

Glycerine, l'm sorry,

but you are banished
from my castle.

So--

So, l'm glad that l'm
off that stupid show.

Beast is ugly, l hope he dies!

l'ma be famous.

♪ Oh, Glycerine Johnson-dot-black
spot-dot com ♪

♪ Oh, Glycerine
Johnson-dot-blackspot-dot com-- ♪

What the hel--

Ow, don't ya'll know who l am!?

♪ Oh, Glycerine Johnson-dot-black--

Ow!

Only one rose
petal remains.

lt can only belong
to one of you.

Next week --

The hell with next week!

Give me that rose now, bitch!

No, it's mine!

[fighting]

Uh, no, be
careful with the rose.

[gasp]
The last rose petal has fallen.

And so, l die.

Twinkles, no!

Not again.

Atlantis, you saved me!

You, are the one!

[giggles]
l won.

Say what!?

Damn, he's a Prince!

Pss, shit, if l
woulda known that,

l would have
sucked his big dick!

[chuckling]

The perfect crime.

[panting]

[hysterical]
Everyone, come quick!

[hysterical]
l -- l think they got Jerry.

[crying hysterically]
Jerry!

Oh, no!

We'll never be able to
finish this barn in time!

We gotta do a
lot in a short time!

Only one man
can help us!

[BOTH]
Montage!!

Hey, mon!

With Montage's Magic we
build that barn in no time!

Pu-put!

♪ l'm working on
my time, whoa ♪

♪ l'm working on
my time, whoa ♪

That was so great!

Thank you, Montage!

[speaking Spanish]

Hold on, ma'am.

You seem pretty uppity
about something.

But l don't
speak Spanish.

No problem, mon.

l'll help you learn
Spanish in no time !

Pu-Put!

♪ ♪ ♪

[speaking Spanish]

She says, a kid's
stealing her television!

Oh, mon!
Come on, let's go.

[speaking Spanish]

Bumbaclot say what?

Her house is
five miles from here.

No problem, mon.

Pu-put!

♪ ♪ ♪

Wow.
That only took 10 seconds

Oh, mi television!

Hey, mon.
Drop the television!

No!

Then get ready to have
Alzheimer's, mon.

Pu-put!

♪ ♪ ♪

Oh, my back.

Oh, gracias, Montage!

Now l'm off to give nasty
looking girls makeovers

just in time for the prom

Not so fast, Montage!

Oh, no!

lt's my evil nemesis
End Credits, mon!

Quickly, lets all get out
of here before he--

♪ Ba-bawk
bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk
bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk
bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk
bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk
bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk
bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
bawk bawk ♪

Ba-gawk! Bawk.