Robot Chicken (2001–…): Season 4, Episode 10 - I Love Her - full transcript
The creators imagine how Freddy Krueger got his start, what would happen if the Monchhichis drew first blood, how Criss Angel delivers the Ultimate Mind Freak, and what a day with the Living Lohans might be like.
[ thunder crashing ]
[ drilling, sawing ]
[ electricity crackling ]
lt's alive!
Good morning, angels.
ALL:
Good morning, Charlie.
Angels, do you know
what l'm not wearing?
ALL:
Pants, Charlie.
How did you know that,
angels?
ALL:
lt's the same thing
every day, Charlie.
So you know what l'm gonna do
next, angels.
ALL:
Yes. We'll wait, Charlie.
[ yawns ]
[ laughter ]
BOTH:
Wizzar!
[ laughs ]
Oh, how l hate those
Monchhichis.
What are we gonna do to 'em
this time, boss?
We should hide their bananas.
We should put glue
on the floor so they'll step in it!
No!
No more penny-ante bullshit.
Turns out you can buy these
almost anywhere.
Ooh!
That's better than what l had.
Ha ha!
We got you now, Monchhichis.
Now what, you evil jerks?
You can go free...
lf you make it
to the other side!
What's in the water?
[ laughs ]
You'll soon find out.
[ machine-gun fire ]
Wizzar, use your magic.
My magic's no match
for getting shot
through the back of
the head, you little asshole.
[ laughs ]
Hey, where's Moncho?
[ growls ]
Run away!
l just wanted to put glue --
Ugh!
You mother fucking
Monchhichi!
l taste applesauce.
Why does everything taste
like -- ugh!
Well, let's walk out of here.
[ chuckles ]
You first.
Wait!
Uh, okay.
l guess that way is safe, then.
Stop!
Nobody move!
[ slurps ]
Wait!
Stop!
[ chatters ]
Gonker!
[ chatter! Chatter! ]
Wizzar, l'm gonna get you out
of there, man!
No!
lf l'm gonna die, it's going
to be on my terms!
[ zap! ]
[ splat! ]
N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!
Hi.
What's your name?
Moncho.
Thanks for taking us
down the river.
No one else would.
You want my advice?
Go home.
But we're making the world
a better place.
Fuck the world.
l've got good news
and bad news.
The bad news is you've got
prostate cancer.
What's the good news?
Well, as part of the treatment,
you are in for a lot
of ass play.
l mean, so, if you're
into that, jackpot!
[ all screaming ]
My friends!
My friends!
Oh, God, why did l
survive and they didn't?
Oh-ho!
Oh, my face.
Oh, you're sick!
This is a madhouse!
This is a madhouse!!
Class, Professor Snape
suffered a minor...
Potion accident...
[ boing! ]
Not the desired effect.
...So please welcome
your substitute teacher
all the way
from Las Vegas,
the phenomenon himself --
Criss Angel!
Hello, young magicians.
Are you ready to get
mindfreaked?!
Magic is very simple when
you balance your mind, body,
and spirit right
on the razor's edge.
Yes, but, sir, will we be
going over the answers
to yesterday's homework?
Here's the only answer
you need, little lady.
There are no answers!
That textbook was 65 pounds!
l'm sure it didn't weigh
anywhere near that much.
[ inhales sharply ]
Mindfreak!
[ industrial music plays ]
[ air whooshing ]
Now, how'd l do it?
- You used a wire.
- Wire!
There's a wire and a pulley.
l see it.
[ squeaks ]
Wrong.
l merely freaked your mind!
[ industrial music plays ]
Field trip.
Where did teacher go?
[ industrial music plays ]
[ horse neighs ]
Mindfreak!
That's right, students.
When you no longer
fear the extreme,
you, too, can tame
mythical beasts.
That's not a unicorn.
That's literally a pony
you painted white.
You clearly just hot-glued
the horn to its head.
ls that house paint?
lt's a unicorn.
Unicorns exist. They're real.
We know they're real.
There's one right over there.
Oh, man, kids,
l totally need that unicorn
for my stage show
at the Luxor Las Vegas.
Unicorns belong in the wild.
l can see your minds
are not fully [crash!]
Now, watch as l tame myth
itself!
Ohh! Aah!!
That was thoroughly
unenjoyable.
Stupid muggle.
Mindfreak!
Sugar, spice, everything
nice, and cocaine --
the recipe
for perfect little girls
who flip the fuck out!
[ Boing! Boing! Boing! ]
[ up-tempo rock music plays ]
[ all cheer ]
[ pop! ]
[ music continues ]
Glad to have you back,
Cleborb.
lt's a long, long trip home.
Hope you can find a way to
entertain yourself.
[ pop! ]
Freddy, why don't you wear
that nice sweater
Catherine got you
for Father's Day?
l'm not really a sweater guy.
Oh, poo!
She'll be so happy to see you
wearing her gift.
But it's itchy.
And, Daddy, do you know
where l got it?
No, honey.
The school bazaar.
That's nice, honey.
And you know what else,
Daddy?
l also bought you a hat.
Oh, that's great, darling.
Can you wear it now?
Well, fedoras don't really go
with sweaters, sweetie.
- Yes, they do.
- No, they don't.
- Yes, they do.
- No, they don't.
Jesus Christ!
What is this made of -- pubes?!
l can't stop scratching
this fucking sweater!
[ crying ]
Daddy doesn't like his gifts!
l'm -- l'm sorry, honey.
Daddy loves his gifts.
Fucking itchy sweater.
Fucking stupid school bazaar.
Ohhh!
Oh, Mary.
That's the stuff!
Hi, daddy.
Hi, honey.
You know what else l got you?
No, honey. What?
- A tie!
- Wow!
Thank you, sweetie.
Can you wear it now?
Ties definitely don't go
with sweaters, sweetheart.
Yes, they do.
No, they don't.
Yes, they do.
Oh, for the love of God,
stop shopping at school!
No more hats, no more sweaters,
no more school bazaars!
[ all gasp ]
No more crappy gifts!
Oh, my God!
That man is attacking
our children!
What?
No, no, you've got it all wrong.
lt's the gifts that l hate.
Child abuser!
[ all shout ]
Wait, you don't understand!
lt's an itchy sweater!
Freddy Krueger!
We have searched
the mortal world
for the angriest soul.
We offer you the chance to be
for all eternity!
Aw, hell, if it gets me out
of this mess, l'll take it.
Just let me take off
this itchy sweater.
- lt is done!
- What?!
Not with the sweater
and the fedora.
Aw, co-- ohh!
B-- well, at least l got
my complexion.
[ roaring ]
[ gunfire ]
[ grunts ]
[ engine put-putting ]
And now back to
Living Lohan.
Ali, who drank all
the fucking orange juice?
[ slurring ]
l don't know, Mom.
Maybe the fucking
orange-juice fairy did it!
Don't get smart with me!
Don't you be a big raging
bitch face!
BOTH:
l need a cigarette!
Ugh! Why are
all these cameras
always invading
my privacy?!
Sorry, Cobra Commander,
but your weather dominator,
currently stuck on rain,
apparently,
is no match for the
ninja skills of Snake-Eyes!
Oops -- supposed to be me.
[ laughs ]
What are you doing?
That is no concern of yours,
civilian.
ldentify yourself at once!
Preferably with a clipable,
saveable file card.
l'm Ali Lohan. Duh!
My mom and l just moved into
your crappy neighborhood
to shoot our TV show.
lt's called Living Lohan.
Aren't you a little young
to be smoking?
Aren't you a little fat
to be fat?
Knock, knock. Who's there?
You love food.
Honey, were you talking
to the new neighbor?
l think their dog's been pooping
in our yard.
What? Ohh!
Poop.
Go to hell, mom!
l told you -- l'm not gonna be
on your show!
lt's demeaning to my career.
l'm gonna try that again with
like 10% more conviction,
or possibly 1 ,000% !
[ doorbell rings ]
Who in God's green smurf
are you?!
Madam, does it look like
my name is Tripwire?
Because as l am not
the G.l. Joe Minesweeper,
l would appreciate it
if your dog didn't leave
chocolate land mines
all over my yard!
Okay, nothing you said
meant anything!
Don't let your dog go poopy!
Ohh.
Ohh!
[ laughs ]
♪ Ba da da dum-dum ♪
[ laughs ]
Nice dump.
Ahh!
l'm just fermalizing the lawn.
Aah!
[ farts ]
Bad dog!
[ laughs ]
Fire bolt!
Fire bolt!
Freeze arrow!
Freeze arrow!
Orc! Orc! Orc!
l'm an orc!
Gary's got to say --
not buying this at all, so...
Beep! Beep!
Honk! Honk!
l'm Herbie!
Hey!
Loud horn!
Fuck you!
Good job, Herbie.
Uh, excuse me.
This is a parallel universe
where savagery meets sorcery.
There is no Herbie.
Herbie is magic!
ldiot!
Orc!
Aah!
Why are you always
following me?!
Follow me.
And in this corner,
it's Munson!
Get out of here, Munson!
Munson -- 1 , gay crab -- 0.
Stop it, Munson!
Oh, how l hate you!
Beep! Beep!
[ romantic music plays ]
Ooh -- a bad boy.
Oh, a damaged chick
with daddy issues.
- Ow!
- Hey, baby.
l've got a Scion.
l don't know what that is,
but l hope it means ''penis''!
Too bad, mom!
l love him!
And l'm pregnant!
Well, so am l.
Oh, yeah?
Well, your baby's gonna have
cobwebs on it
'cause you're all old,
and inside, your nodaries
are all bunched up and dusty!
Fuck you!
Why didn't anyone pick me up
after my fucking ultrasound?
[ sighs ]
Looks like l'm moving again.
l'm the greatest mom
in the world!
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
bawk bawk ♪
Ba-gawk! Bawk.
[ drilling, sawing ]
[ electricity crackling ]
lt's alive!
Good morning, angels.
ALL:
Good morning, Charlie.
Angels, do you know
what l'm not wearing?
ALL:
Pants, Charlie.
How did you know that,
angels?
ALL:
lt's the same thing
every day, Charlie.
So you know what l'm gonna do
next, angels.
ALL:
Yes. We'll wait, Charlie.
[ yawns ]
[ laughter ]
BOTH:
Wizzar!
[ laughs ]
Oh, how l hate those
Monchhichis.
What are we gonna do to 'em
this time, boss?
We should hide their bananas.
We should put glue
on the floor so they'll step in it!
No!
No more penny-ante bullshit.
Turns out you can buy these
almost anywhere.
Ooh!
That's better than what l had.
Ha ha!
We got you now, Monchhichis.
Now what, you evil jerks?
You can go free...
lf you make it
to the other side!
What's in the water?
[ laughs ]
You'll soon find out.
[ machine-gun fire ]
Wizzar, use your magic.
My magic's no match
for getting shot
through the back of
the head, you little asshole.
[ laughs ]
Hey, where's Moncho?
[ growls ]
Run away!
l just wanted to put glue --
Ugh!
You mother fucking
Monchhichi!
l taste applesauce.
Why does everything taste
like -- ugh!
Well, let's walk out of here.
[ chuckles ]
You first.
Wait!
Uh, okay.
l guess that way is safe, then.
Stop!
Nobody move!
[ slurps ]
Wait!
Stop!
[ chatters ]
Gonker!
[ chatter! Chatter! ]
Wizzar, l'm gonna get you out
of there, man!
No!
lf l'm gonna die, it's going
to be on my terms!
[ zap! ]
[ splat! ]
N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!
Hi.
What's your name?
Moncho.
Thanks for taking us
down the river.
No one else would.
You want my advice?
Go home.
But we're making the world
a better place.
Fuck the world.
l've got good news
and bad news.
The bad news is you've got
prostate cancer.
What's the good news?
Well, as part of the treatment,
you are in for a lot
of ass play.
l mean, so, if you're
into that, jackpot!
[ all screaming ]
My friends!
My friends!
Oh, God, why did l
survive and they didn't?
Oh-ho!
Oh, my face.
Oh, you're sick!
This is a madhouse!
This is a madhouse!!
Class, Professor Snape
suffered a minor...
Potion accident...
[ boing! ]
Not the desired effect.
...So please welcome
your substitute teacher
all the way
from Las Vegas,
the phenomenon himself --
Criss Angel!
Hello, young magicians.
Are you ready to get
mindfreaked?!
Magic is very simple when
you balance your mind, body,
and spirit right
on the razor's edge.
Yes, but, sir, will we be
going over the answers
to yesterday's homework?
Here's the only answer
you need, little lady.
There are no answers!
That textbook was 65 pounds!
l'm sure it didn't weigh
anywhere near that much.
[ inhales sharply ]
Mindfreak!
[ industrial music plays ]
[ air whooshing ]
Now, how'd l do it?
- You used a wire.
- Wire!
There's a wire and a pulley.
l see it.
[ squeaks ]
Wrong.
l merely freaked your mind!
[ industrial music plays ]
Field trip.
Where did teacher go?
[ industrial music plays ]
[ horse neighs ]
Mindfreak!
That's right, students.
When you no longer
fear the extreme,
you, too, can tame
mythical beasts.
That's not a unicorn.
That's literally a pony
you painted white.
You clearly just hot-glued
the horn to its head.
ls that house paint?
lt's a unicorn.
Unicorns exist. They're real.
We know they're real.
There's one right over there.
Oh, man, kids,
l totally need that unicorn
for my stage show
at the Luxor Las Vegas.
Unicorns belong in the wild.
l can see your minds
are not fully [crash!]
Now, watch as l tame myth
itself!
Ohh! Aah!!
That was thoroughly
unenjoyable.
Stupid muggle.
Mindfreak!
Sugar, spice, everything
nice, and cocaine --
the recipe
for perfect little girls
who flip the fuck out!
[ Boing! Boing! Boing! ]
[ up-tempo rock music plays ]
[ all cheer ]
[ pop! ]
[ music continues ]
Glad to have you back,
Cleborb.
lt's a long, long trip home.
Hope you can find a way to
entertain yourself.
[ pop! ]
Freddy, why don't you wear
that nice sweater
Catherine got you
for Father's Day?
l'm not really a sweater guy.
Oh, poo!
She'll be so happy to see you
wearing her gift.
But it's itchy.
And, Daddy, do you know
where l got it?
No, honey.
The school bazaar.
That's nice, honey.
And you know what else,
Daddy?
l also bought you a hat.
Oh, that's great, darling.
Can you wear it now?
Well, fedoras don't really go
with sweaters, sweetie.
- Yes, they do.
- No, they don't.
- Yes, they do.
- No, they don't.
Jesus Christ!
What is this made of -- pubes?!
l can't stop scratching
this fucking sweater!
[ crying ]
Daddy doesn't like his gifts!
l'm -- l'm sorry, honey.
Daddy loves his gifts.
Fucking itchy sweater.
Fucking stupid school bazaar.
Ohhh!
Oh, Mary.
That's the stuff!
Hi, daddy.
Hi, honey.
You know what else l got you?
No, honey. What?
- A tie!
- Wow!
Thank you, sweetie.
Can you wear it now?
Ties definitely don't go
with sweaters, sweetheart.
Yes, they do.
No, they don't.
Yes, they do.
Oh, for the love of God,
stop shopping at school!
No more hats, no more sweaters,
no more school bazaars!
[ all gasp ]
No more crappy gifts!
Oh, my God!
That man is attacking
our children!
What?
No, no, you've got it all wrong.
lt's the gifts that l hate.
Child abuser!
[ all shout ]
Wait, you don't understand!
lt's an itchy sweater!
Freddy Krueger!
We have searched
the mortal world
for the angriest soul.
We offer you the chance to be
for all eternity!
Aw, hell, if it gets me out
of this mess, l'll take it.
Just let me take off
this itchy sweater.
- lt is done!
- What?!
Not with the sweater
and the fedora.
Aw, co-- ohh!
B-- well, at least l got
my complexion.
[ roaring ]
[ gunfire ]
[ grunts ]
[ engine put-putting ]
And now back to
Living Lohan.
Ali, who drank all
the fucking orange juice?
[ slurring ]
l don't know, Mom.
Maybe the fucking
orange-juice fairy did it!
Don't get smart with me!
Don't you be a big raging
bitch face!
BOTH:
l need a cigarette!
Ugh! Why are
all these cameras
always invading
my privacy?!
Sorry, Cobra Commander,
but your weather dominator,
currently stuck on rain,
apparently,
is no match for the
ninja skills of Snake-Eyes!
Oops -- supposed to be me.
[ laughs ]
What are you doing?
That is no concern of yours,
civilian.
ldentify yourself at once!
Preferably with a clipable,
saveable file card.
l'm Ali Lohan. Duh!
My mom and l just moved into
your crappy neighborhood
to shoot our TV show.
lt's called Living Lohan.
Aren't you a little young
to be smoking?
Aren't you a little fat
to be fat?
Knock, knock. Who's there?
You love food.
Honey, were you talking
to the new neighbor?
l think their dog's been pooping
in our yard.
What? Ohh!
Poop.
Go to hell, mom!
l told you -- l'm not gonna be
on your show!
lt's demeaning to my career.
l'm gonna try that again with
like 10% more conviction,
or possibly 1 ,000% !
[ doorbell rings ]
Who in God's green smurf
are you?!
Madam, does it look like
my name is Tripwire?
Because as l am not
the G.l. Joe Minesweeper,
l would appreciate it
if your dog didn't leave
chocolate land mines
all over my yard!
Okay, nothing you said
meant anything!
Don't let your dog go poopy!
Ohh.
Ohh!
[ laughs ]
♪ Ba da da dum-dum ♪
[ laughs ]
Nice dump.
Ahh!
l'm just fermalizing the lawn.
Aah!
[ farts ]
Bad dog!
[ laughs ]
Fire bolt!
Fire bolt!
Freeze arrow!
Freeze arrow!
Orc! Orc! Orc!
l'm an orc!
Gary's got to say --
not buying this at all, so...
Beep! Beep!
Honk! Honk!
l'm Herbie!
Hey!
Loud horn!
Fuck you!
Good job, Herbie.
Uh, excuse me.
This is a parallel universe
where savagery meets sorcery.
There is no Herbie.
Herbie is magic!
ldiot!
Orc!
Aah!
Why are you always
following me?!
Follow me.
And in this corner,
it's Munson!
Get out of here, Munson!
Munson -- 1 , gay crab -- 0.
Stop it, Munson!
Oh, how l hate you!
Beep! Beep!
[ romantic music plays ]
Ooh -- a bad boy.
Oh, a damaged chick
with daddy issues.
- Ow!
- Hey, baby.
l've got a Scion.
l don't know what that is,
but l hope it means ''penis''!
Too bad, mom!
l love him!
And l'm pregnant!
Well, so am l.
Oh, yeah?
Well, your baby's gonna have
cobwebs on it
'cause you're all old,
and inside, your nodaries
are all bunched up and dusty!
Fuck you!
Why didn't anyone pick me up
after my fucking ultrasound?
[ sighs ]
Looks like l'm moving again.
l'm the greatest mom
in the world!
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
bawk bawk ♪
Ba-gawk! Bawk.