Robot Chicken (2001–…): Season 4, Episode 1 - Help Me - full transcript
Seth and Matt enlist the help of Joss Whedon, Ron Moore and Seth MacFarlane to get their show renewed/ PaPappa the Rapper in court/ Tila Tequila is really a cyborg/ the Trojan Condoms mascot makes a surprise visit at a dinner with friends.
[ screaming ]
Robot Chicken is canceled!
...is canceled!
Canceled!
[ both shout ]
[ body thuds ]
Well, that was fun.
But with Robot Chicken
canceled,
we'll need a way
to make money.
Ah, if only l'd cultivated
relationships
with some of Hollywood's most
dynamic and powerful players.
[ fingers snap ]
Wait a minute.
That's exactly what l did.
Quick, my less famous companion,
grab on to my coattails,
and let's be away!
[ sighs ]
Retard.
Wow! Wesleyan University's own
Joss Whedon,
creator of Buffy, Angel,
Firefly, and Dollhouse,
thanks for meeting
with us.
We kind of have
a favor to ask.
Oh, good!
l've been looking for a way
to repay you
for bailing on ''Buffy''
after two seasons.
Anything, Seth, really.
Actually, it's more like us
doing you a favor.
How would you like the creators
of Robot Chicken
writing on
one of your shows?
You think you're worthy of
writing in the Whedonverse?
Oh, wow, you actually say
''Whedonverse'' in real life.
That's right!
And as one of my creations,
l do believe l have let you live
long enough.
Time to die, werewolf!
Wow! Ron Moore, creator of
Battlestar Galactica!
How about letting us come aboard
and help you with your
whip-smart plots?
Help?
Why would l need help writing plots?
l just throw a dart
at the cast list, and boom --
they're a Cylon.
Rinse, repeat,
cash the fucking check.
Watch. Sha-boom!
Sha-bong! Sha-bing!
Cylon.
''Oh, please help me!
This is so hard!''
Well, maybe l could act
on the show.
l could be a Cylon.
That's right.
You could be.
You won't get me,
you fucking skin-jobs!
Hey, it's Seth Macfarlane,
creator of American Dad.
Hey, hey, come on, guys.
Creator of Family Guy, please.
Look, Seth, we're in trouble.
We need to make some money.
But you already have a job
voicing Chris
on my insanely
popular show.
You expect me to live
on hundreds of thousands
of dollars a year?
Come on.
l depended on Robot Chicken.
Robot Chicken?
l haven't heard that name
since it got renewed.
Robot Chicken's renewed.
Ha! How'd you do that?
How did l do that?
No one's asked me that question
since C-3PO bought me a leather
jacket with Pepsi points.
[ burps ]
Wow! You can do
anything you want!
Quick! Offhandedly mention that
time we all ended world hunger!
What?
l haven't heard an idea that bad
since Hanna-Barbera launched
''Scooby-Jew.''
Like, would you do it
for a Scooby snack?
One Scooby snack
for all the work l do?
l go into a dungeon,
l expect at least two,
maybe three Scooby snacks.
Ha ha! Die, werewolf!
Die, Cylon!
And checkerboard wipe to...
[ thunder crashing ]
[ drilling, sawing ]
[ electricity crackling ]
lt's alive!
♪ Gonna be a great day,
washing dirt away ♪
♪ Got to get it all in my cracks
and crevices with the soap ♪
♪ Clean, clean,
and l love to shower ♪
[ toilet flushes ]
No, aah! Aah-ha!
Aah! Aah!
Ow! Burning! Hot!
[ crying ]
Your honor, the defendant was
arrested without a license
in a car containing
three concealed weapons
and over an ounce of
marijuana.
Well, counsel, if your client
insists on pleading the 5th,
l'll have no choice but to throw
the book at him.
How do you want to proceed?
[ gong crashes ]
[ crowd murmuring ]
Order!
[ rap music plays ]
This is absurd.
He wants to throw us
off his scent.
♪ Good point, talking dog ♪
♪ l'll set you free
with served time ♪
You fucked up now, Parappa!
Whoa! Ohh!
[ groans ]
Whoa!
Oh, Johnny,
isn't it beautiful?
[ gasps ]
M-Maybe we should go.
No, no, no.
Stay.
Take out her tits.
Steve, you and your wife are
wonderful hosts.
l'm being sincere.
You know, Julie, l don't
think you ever got
a tour of the
house.
You're right.
Well, come on.
[ both laughing ]
More apple pie for us, huh?
Oh, you.
[ doorbell rings ]
Oh, who could that be?
[ door opens ]
♪ Trojan man ♪
Excuse me, madam,
but l am needed upstairs!
Steve!
♪ Trojan man ♪
Keep it down!
l knew you acted weird around
Julie, you bastard!
Put this on your penis!
Get off! Get off me!
Get off me!
Julie, how could you?!
My clothes just fell off.
Her vagina will appreciate
your forethought!
Will you shut the fuck up
already?!
l am leaving you!
♪ Trojan man ♪
Hey, watch the horse!
That was my grandma's --
Oh, no, you broke it!
That would never happen
to a Trojan condom.
♪ Trojan man ♪
[ crying ]
You said my problem
didn't bother you.
lt doesn't.
l mean, this doesn't
change anything.
lt changes everything!
A reservoir tip
is for your semen!
l got to get out of here.
You're a whore!
You ruined my life, you whore!
[ car door closes, engine turns
over, tires screeching ]
l guess l'd better go.
♪ Trojan man ♪
Yeah, why don't you just get
the fuck out of here?
How about that?
♪ Trojan man ♪
Just in case.
Okay, l need someone to act
like they're attacking me.
Louise, how about you?
Me? Uh, okay.
That's right.
Just come at me.
Hiya!
Aah!
Okay, did everyone see
what l did there?
Last time on ''A Shot at Love
with Tila Tequila''...
Lebaron...
you have a shot at love.
Are you interested?
- Yes!
l'm sorry, dyke.
- lt's Diane.
Yo, l got to give a shout-out
to my abs.
Tila, are you really
bisexual?
Because l get the feeling
l never had a chance.
Oh, l am very bisexial,
Diane.
l have a number of interests,
including acting
and hip-hop recording artist.
l am very bisexial.
[ moaning passionately ]
Unh! Yeah!
Tough tie! Yeah!
But my heart will always
belong to Lebanon.
lt's Lebaron.
Cut!
The mispronunciations
are still a problem.
But that's why we made her
omni-ethnic,
not to mention the prepubescent
alien-whore appearance.
But is it ready?
Who the hell are you people?
We're making a reality sh--
lt has demonstrated a limited
range of emotions,
and the emotions are appropriate
almost 50% of the time.
All right! lt's go time!
Where's Lebaron?
Where's Lebaron?
What is it saying?
Lebaron!
- Aah!
- Aah!
[ giggling ]
Leb-b-b-aron.
Hey, what --
l love Lebaron.
Aah! Aa-a-a-a-a-a-h!
[ glass shattering ]
Just between Huey and me...
[ crying ]
[ laughing ]
Lebaron is dead.
Now l have to find
someone else to love.
Who will it be?
Watch ''Tila Tequila's a Shot at
Love'' tonight on MTV.
[ laughing ]
[ crying ]
[ laughing ]
Aah!
Mommy, mommy!
Did you know ''dog'' spelled
backwards is ''god''?
That's right, dear.
You're such a clever
little girl.
Kill your parents, Tracy.
l will, God!
l've heard about you,
lone ranger.
Silver bullets may be pretty
to look at,
but l bet they ain't no
good for shooting.
Oh, yeah?
Look at it go!
Yeah.
[ chuckles ]
That silver could have fed
my entire tribe for a year.
Next question.
Have you ever told your wife
you liked her dress
when you really didn't?
[ exhales slowly ]
Ho ho.
Um...
[ breathing heavily ]
Ooh, here we go.
Um...
uh...
ooh.
Oh, uh...
yes.
[ crowd gasps ]
Yes.
Wow! They pad the hell out of
that show, huh?
That's why l subscribe to
''Just the Good Parts''
from my cable or satellite provider.
You can watch an entire
B.S. game show
in just 15 seconds.
Ever told your wife
you liked her dress
when you really didn't?
- Yes.
Ever cheated on your taxes?
- Yes.
Ever use the ''n'' word in anger?
- Yes.
Ever put your penis in a slinky?
- Y-- no.
- You lose!
- Aw.
''Just the Good Parts''
speeds up all your favorite shows
and movies.
Just watch!
[ ''James Bond'' theme plays ]
Bond. James Bond.
Aiii!
Now that the mission's over,
let's find your balloon knot.
Oh, James!
l have AlDS.
[ laughing ]
♪ Ya ba-dop, doo-bah-da
dee bop ba-doodily dah ♪
♪ Doo-doo dah da-do, yeah ♪
l'm running away from home!
l want to go home!
l was home all along.
[ explosion ]
A bastard in a basket!
[ solemn music plays ]
♪ Laaaa ♪
♪ Aa-aaaahh ♪
♪ La-aah ♪
[ farting ]
Never a saw a man killed
with a sword before.
Why don't you take a picture?
Wish l had.
[ metal crunching ]
And best picture goes to...
''Lawrence of Arabia.''
Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!
[ dance music plays ]
[ farting ]
l'm a Cylon.
l'm a Cylon.
Damn it! l'm a Cylon!
l am a Cylon.
[ grumbling ] Cylon...
l am a Cylon.
Uh...l -- l'm a Cylon.
[ gunshot ]
Gotcha, you filthy Cylon
son of a bitch mother fucker
You die!
[ dramatic music plays ]
Robot Chicken is canceled!
...is canceled!
Canceled!
[ both shout ]
[ body thuds ]
Well, that was fun.
But with Robot Chicken
canceled,
we'll need a way
to make money.
Ah, if only l'd cultivated
relationships
with some of Hollywood's most
dynamic and powerful players.
[ fingers snap ]
Wait a minute.
That's exactly what l did.
Quick, my less famous companion,
grab on to my coattails,
and let's be away!
[ sighs ]
Retard.
Wow! Wesleyan University's own
Joss Whedon,
creator of Buffy, Angel,
Firefly, and Dollhouse,
thanks for meeting
with us.
We kind of have
a favor to ask.
Oh, good!
l've been looking for a way
to repay you
for bailing on ''Buffy''
after two seasons.
Anything, Seth, really.
Actually, it's more like us
doing you a favor.
How would you like the creators
of Robot Chicken
writing on
one of your shows?
You think you're worthy of
writing in the Whedonverse?
Oh, wow, you actually say
''Whedonverse'' in real life.
That's right!
And as one of my creations,
l do believe l have let you live
long enough.
Time to die, werewolf!
Wow! Ron Moore, creator of
Battlestar Galactica!
How about letting us come aboard
and help you with your
whip-smart plots?
Help?
Why would l need help writing plots?
l just throw a dart
at the cast list, and boom --
they're a Cylon.
Rinse, repeat,
cash the fucking check.
Watch. Sha-boom!
Sha-bong! Sha-bing!
Cylon.
''Oh, please help me!
This is so hard!''
Well, maybe l could act
on the show.
l could be a Cylon.
That's right.
You could be.
You won't get me,
you fucking skin-jobs!
Hey, it's Seth Macfarlane,
creator of American Dad.
Hey, hey, come on, guys.
Creator of Family Guy, please.
Look, Seth, we're in trouble.
We need to make some money.
But you already have a job
voicing Chris
on my insanely
popular show.
You expect me to live
on hundreds of thousands
of dollars a year?
Come on.
l depended on Robot Chicken.
Robot Chicken?
l haven't heard that name
since it got renewed.
Robot Chicken's renewed.
Ha! How'd you do that?
How did l do that?
No one's asked me that question
since C-3PO bought me a leather
jacket with Pepsi points.
[ burps ]
Wow! You can do
anything you want!
Quick! Offhandedly mention that
time we all ended world hunger!
What?
l haven't heard an idea that bad
since Hanna-Barbera launched
''Scooby-Jew.''
Like, would you do it
for a Scooby snack?
One Scooby snack
for all the work l do?
l go into a dungeon,
l expect at least two,
maybe three Scooby snacks.
Ha ha! Die, werewolf!
Die, Cylon!
And checkerboard wipe to...
[ thunder crashing ]
[ drilling, sawing ]
[ electricity crackling ]
lt's alive!
♪ Gonna be a great day,
washing dirt away ♪
♪ Got to get it all in my cracks
and crevices with the soap ♪
♪ Clean, clean,
and l love to shower ♪
[ toilet flushes ]
No, aah! Aah-ha!
Aah! Aah!
Ow! Burning! Hot!
[ crying ]
Your honor, the defendant was
arrested without a license
in a car containing
three concealed weapons
and over an ounce of
marijuana.
Well, counsel, if your client
insists on pleading the 5th,
l'll have no choice but to throw
the book at him.
How do you want to proceed?
[ gong crashes ]
[ crowd murmuring ]
Order!
[ rap music plays ]
This is absurd.
He wants to throw us
off his scent.
♪ Good point, talking dog ♪
♪ l'll set you free
with served time ♪
You fucked up now, Parappa!
Whoa! Ohh!
[ groans ]
Whoa!
Oh, Johnny,
isn't it beautiful?
[ gasps ]
M-Maybe we should go.
No, no, no.
Stay.
Take out her tits.
Steve, you and your wife are
wonderful hosts.
l'm being sincere.
You know, Julie, l don't
think you ever got
a tour of the
house.
You're right.
Well, come on.
[ both laughing ]
More apple pie for us, huh?
Oh, you.
[ doorbell rings ]
Oh, who could that be?
[ door opens ]
♪ Trojan man ♪
Excuse me, madam,
but l am needed upstairs!
Steve!
♪ Trojan man ♪
Keep it down!
l knew you acted weird around
Julie, you bastard!
Put this on your penis!
Get off! Get off me!
Get off me!
Julie, how could you?!
My clothes just fell off.
Her vagina will appreciate
your forethought!
Will you shut the fuck up
already?!
l am leaving you!
♪ Trojan man ♪
Hey, watch the horse!
That was my grandma's --
Oh, no, you broke it!
That would never happen
to a Trojan condom.
♪ Trojan man ♪
[ crying ]
You said my problem
didn't bother you.
lt doesn't.
l mean, this doesn't
change anything.
lt changes everything!
A reservoir tip
is for your semen!
l got to get out of here.
You're a whore!
You ruined my life, you whore!
[ car door closes, engine turns
over, tires screeching ]
l guess l'd better go.
♪ Trojan man ♪
Yeah, why don't you just get
the fuck out of here?
How about that?
♪ Trojan man ♪
Just in case.
Okay, l need someone to act
like they're attacking me.
Louise, how about you?
Me? Uh, okay.
That's right.
Just come at me.
Hiya!
Aah!
Okay, did everyone see
what l did there?
Last time on ''A Shot at Love
with Tila Tequila''...
Lebaron...
you have a shot at love.
Are you interested?
- Yes!
l'm sorry, dyke.
- lt's Diane.
Yo, l got to give a shout-out
to my abs.
Tila, are you really
bisexual?
Because l get the feeling
l never had a chance.
Oh, l am very bisexial,
Diane.
l have a number of interests,
including acting
and hip-hop recording artist.
l am very bisexial.
[ moaning passionately ]
Unh! Yeah!
Tough tie! Yeah!
But my heart will always
belong to Lebanon.
lt's Lebaron.
Cut!
The mispronunciations
are still a problem.
But that's why we made her
omni-ethnic,
not to mention the prepubescent
alien-whore appearance.
But is it ready?
Who the hell are you people?
We're making a reality sh--
lt has demonstrated a limited
range of emotions,
and the emotions are appropriate
almost 50% of the time.
All right! lt's go time!
Where's Lebaron?
Where's Lebaron?
What is it saying?
Lebaron!
- Aah!
- Aah!
[ giggling ]
Leb-b-b-aron.
Hey, what --
l love Lebaron.
Aah! Aa-a-a-a-a-a-h!
[ glass shattering ]
Just between Huey and me...
[ crying ]
[ laughing ]
Lebaron is dead.
Now l have to find
someone else to love.
Who will it be?
Watch ''Tila Tequila's a Shot at
Love'' tonight on MTV.
[ laughing ]
[ crying ]
[ laughing ]
Aah!
Mommy, mommy!
Did you know ''dog'' spelled
backwards is ''god''?
That's right, dear.
You're such a clever
little girl.
Kill your parents, Tracy.
l will, God!
l've heard about you,
lone ranger.
Silver bullets may be pretty
to look at,
but l bet they ain't no
good for shooting.
Oh, yeah?
Look at it go!
Yeah.
[ chuckles ]
That silver could have fed
my entire tribe for a year.
Next question.
Have you ever told your wife
you liked her dress
when you really didn't?
[ exhales slowly ]
Ho ho.
Um...
[ breathing heavily ]
Ooh, here we go.
Um...
uh...
ooh.
Oh, uh...
yes.
[ crowd gasps ]
Yes.
Wow! They pad the hell out of
that show, huh?
That's why l subscribe to
''Just the Good Parts''
from my cable or satellite provider.
You can watch an entire
B.S. game show
in just 15 seconds.
Ever told your wife
you liked her dress
when you really didn't?
- Yes.
Ever cheated on your taxes?
- Yes.
Ever use the ''n'' word in anger?
- Yes.
Ever put your penis in a slinky?
- Y-- no.
- You lose!
- Aw.
''Just the Good Parts''
speeds up all your favorite shows
and movies.
Just watch!
[ ''James Bond'' theme plays ]
Bond. James Bond.
Aiii!
Now that the mission's over,
let's find your balloon knot.
Oh, James!
l have AlDS.
[ laughing ]
♪ Ya ba-dop, doo-bah-da
dee bop ba-doodily dah ♪
♪ Doo-doo dah da-do, yeah ♪
l'm running away from home!
l want to go home!
l was home all along.
[ explosion ]
A bastard in a basket!
[ solemn music plays ]
♪ Laaaa ♪
♪ Aa-aaaahh ♪
♪ La-aah ♪
[ farting ]
Never a saw a man killed
with a sword before.
Why don't you take a picture?
Wish l had.
[ metal crunching ]
And best picture goes to...
''Lawrence of Arabia.''
Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!
[ dance music plays ]
[ farting ]
l'm a Cylon.
l'm a Cylon.
Damn it! l'm a Cylon!
l am a Cylon.
[ grumbling ] Cylon...
l am a Cylon.
Uh...l -- l'm a Cylon.
[ gunshot ]
Gotcha, you filthy Cylon
son of a bitch mother fucker
You die!
[ dramatic music plays ]