Robot Chicken (2001–…): Season 10, Episode 11 - Robot Chicken's Santa's Dead (Spoiler Alert) Holiday Murder Thing Special - full transcript
A Christmas murder mystery special.
_
Hi! Welcome to the "Robot
Chicken" holiday... Aah!
Thank you for traveling
the North Pole Express,
famous for its very low rate
of passenger murders.
You'll never be murdered
on the North Pole Express.
- Don't forget to tip your porter.
- I almost missed this train.
I got on the Polar Express
by mistake.
- They're different trains, you see.
- I shall sit over there now.
So when we're on the crapper,
- you think it drops out on to the tracks?
- I shall sit over there now.
- So you see, it's a different train.
- Help!
- What's that?
- Geez!
Santa's dead!
- Oh, what a shame, suicide.
- Are you crazy?
- He was murdered.
- Oh, no.
There goes our zero murder rate.
Jesus!
Ask and you shall receive.
Holy shit!
There's a killer on board.
We need to get off this train.
Nobody gets off this train
until the villain is caught.
- Jesus, can you help us?
- I can, and I will,
and I'll even
do it without my magic.
It would be faster
with your magic.
Dad, take away my magic.
Now, let's solve this case.
♪ Do, do, do ♪
♪ Inspector Jesus on the case ♪
Let's see...
Are you a butler? Did you do it?
You don't get be porter
of the year
three years running
by killing passengers
unless you kill them
with good service. Wink.
- Are you done?
- Yes, sir, I am.
Good because you're
an inconsequential
character anyway.
Everybody out!
You are contaminating
my crime scene.
Is this one of those dinner
murder mystery things?
Can I be the sexy maid?
How about you just be
the suspect?
What time did you board
the train?
Well, I got on two trains.
Which one did you mean?
Are those whipping scars?
Santa whipped you to deliver
presents faster, didn't he?
- That's a motive.
- No, no, no, we all enjoyed the whipping.
- Hmm.
- Do you want to know about the drugs?
I was just about
to ask you that.
Oh, Santa has been doping us
for years.
You see, he wants us
bigger and stronger
'cause there's more
and more people in the world
which means more presents
and a heavier sleigh.
You know, I think I'm okay today
if you don't want to...
Oh, yeah, baby.
You've never
seen what that juice can do.
That's how we lost Prancer.
Aah!
Yep.
That's a reason to
kill Santa for sure.
Steroids cost a fortune,
lots of money moving around,
and in any crime,
you follow the money.
Oh, that's right.
Blame the nutcracker Jew.
There's a Jew?
Can I meet him?
I wouldn't kill Santa.
He saved my life.
Nutcrackers were the Cabbage
Patch Kids of our time,
but after Woolly Willy
came out, it was all over.
What did Santa bring you, honey?
- Firewood.
- I felt worthless.
I was unemployable, but Santa
said my little fist hands
were perfect for crunching
numbers, and he gave me a job.
A job that can afford
that mink hat,
that Rolex,
that diamond pentagram?
It's the Star of David,
and yes, I embezzled a skosh,
but I made Santa so much money.
I mean, who would begrudge
a little for myself?
And boom goes the motive.
Santa caught you,
so he had to die.
Solving crimes, typical Jesus,
just like in the Bible.
What are you, mashugana?
I wouldn't kill my cash cow.
There's a cow?
Can I meet him?
But we know
you're capable of murder
because, spoiler alert,
the Jews killed me!
Jews didn't kill Jesus, Jesus.
That's racism.
You're right.
I'm sorry...
What are we doing?
Wasting time.
This crime is unsolvable,
like Nicole Brown Simpson
and Ron Burgundy.
Huh, got something to say,
Santa's arch nemesis?
I never hated Santa.
I just hate children.
- Ain't that right.
- Well, of course you do.
Yep, that's why I got
my tubes tied.
Santa and I used to be
a comedy team.
We went by Fatty and the Kramp.
We were huge in the Catskills.
Hey, Krampus, what is mistletoe?
It's not a missile.
It's not a toe.
Hey, maybe you beat children
with it.
You know what?
I'm just done with this.
Ah, we stayed friends.
♪ It always hurts
to sleigh goodbye ♪
Oh, flood!
Aah!
♪ Avalanche won't stop
Detective Jesus ♪
♪ Avalanche can't stop
Inspector Jesus ♪
Oh, trapped, huh?
Oh, I'm going to enjoy
watching you meat puppets
- devour Santa's corpse.
- To get rid of the evidence!
Santa deserves it for
what he did to my people.
The North Pole did not
always belong to Santa.
My people once roamed the land
by the thousands
before the Iron Sleigh arrived.
The white-bearded man
promised to share the land,
but we were displaced.
Our noseless faces
were defiled with carrots,
our pristine bald heads
covered with top hats.
It was a nightmare!
- Wow, your flashback sucked.
- Oh, does genocide bum you out?
So you killed Santa
to avenge your people.
Doesn't matter anymore.
In 10 years, the North Pole
will be lost to us both.
Oh, here we go with the global
warming bullshit.
Inconsequential character
my ass.
- I am the goddamn hero of this story.
- Eh, you're a "C" plot at best.
Wait a minute.
Where there's crumbs,
there's crimes every time.
Inspector Jesus!
Not so fast, Ginger Spice.
Earlier, I saw crumbs
outside Santa's door.
- That puts you at the scene.
- I was with him last night.
Last I checked, crumbing's
not a crime, baby Jesus.
- But adultery is.
- Um, it is not.
- It's not?
- It is not.
Well, it's not cool.
You wanted him all for yourself,
but he wouldn't leave his wife,
so you killed him.
I was fulfilling my dream
of singing my heart
out for strangers when Big Red
walked into my life.
♪ Remember to grease my pan ♪
♪ Give me all of your loving ♪
♪ Because you're
my number-one man ♪
You've got a secret ingredient, kid,
but it takes more than talent
to bake a star.
B-d-d-d-d-d!
Finally, the world
would hear my music.
♪ N-P-F-L ♪
♪ North Pole For Life ♪
♪ DJ on the mike, Clause ♪
♪ On the ones and twos
North Pole Productions, bitch ♪
♪ Don't forget about Dre ♪
But creative differences
ruined everything.
Extra, extra!
Santa's album sells zero copies,
also 9/11!
- So you killed him?
- I loved him.
- Loved?
- Okay, he was repulsive.
His balls were like chestnuts
roasted over an open fire,
and his dick wasn't even
♪ Five inches long. ♪
- Gross.
- How do I know you didn't kill him?
You with your big, strong arms.
Do you work out?
- I do CrossFit.
- Nailed it!
Sorry, doll, you're not
the first to be compelled
by the power of Christ.
You know, it could've been Jesus.
Santa was his father.
What?
He was not my father.
I thought Jesus
was Santa's son, too.
I'm not Santa's kid.
I'm God's kid.
Okay, I'm going to let you
[bleep] idiots work this out
and go look for some
more clues... by myself.
Solving crimes!
Ow!
What... what the [bleep]?
My feet!
Who the [bleep] is doing this?
Real mature, guys.
CrossFit!
♪ Inspector Jesus
chasing the killer ♪
♪ Don't need magic to catch him ♪
Jesus!
Surprised I'm not dead,
Peppermint?
Well, it's not the first time
I've been "double crossed."
- That's offensive.
- Nailed it twice.
I knew if I went off by myself,
the real killer would make
a move, and so she has.
I didn't do it.
Oh, God.
Peppermint is the killer,
and Jesus for the win!
She hated Santa!
She told me it was hell
in that toy factory...
no safety regulations,
no bathroom breaks,
no casual Fridays.
It got so bad Santa
had to install suicide nets.
Thought you'd take a break, huh?
Well, back to work.
She tried to unionize, but
Santa hired a strike-busting Bumble,
and Bumbles bounce your head
against the curve if you unionize.
I'm not going down for this.
The truth is...
- Who did that?
- Don't look at me, baby.
Porter, please tell the authorities
to be waiting at the next station.
I, Jesus Christ,
without using any magic,
- have solved the crime.
- You know who the killer is?
What did I just say?
You said, "Porter, please
tell the authorities... "
Shut up, Comet!
Let me show you what happened in
our most exciting flashback yet.
Santa's door wasn't forced
because he opened
it himself for friends.
- Hello.
- Stab! For the pole.
- For the pole.
- For the pole.
- [Bleep] carrot.
- For the pole.
For the... for the...
- for the pole.
- There we go.
For the pole.
- You can't prove any of it.
- I can prove any of it.
Krampus, your ukulele
was out of tune,
exactly the way it would be
if you stabbed someone with it.
Snowball, you're melting
due to global warming,
and there was a small puddle
of water near the body.
- Nutsy, you're a Jew.
- Hey!
Ginger, I believe
this belongs to you.
- Oh, [bleep].
- Ooh, what about me?
You've got tiny bits of entrails
on your antlers.
- Yay, I'm implicated!
- And Peppermint, she's dead.
So now we know all the reasons
they wanted to kill Santa.
- Yes.
- No!
- No?
- The truth is we were all
in a fantasy football
league together.
Santa was checking
his naughty and nice list
to guess which players
could be suspended,
thereby predicting the spread.
He cheated, and he deserved to die!
So he died for
the greatest sin of all,
giving a shit
about fake football.
But without you, Jesus,
we go free.
Ow!
- Oh, [bleep]!
- Jesus magic, I'm back, baby!
I-I hope that you enjoyed your
time on the North Pole Express.
It was all right.
Three and a half fishes, I'd say.
Wow, suicide.
- Ow, ow, these pinch!
- Another murder mystery solved by
♪ Inspector Jesus,
solving crimes ♪
- ♪ Boo-yah ♪
- You did it, my friend.
Cheese and crackers, you're alive?
I was in the locomotive
the whole time,
pulling a train,
if you know what I mean.
You know there are two trains?
- Then whose body was in your cabin?
- Tim Allen.
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
Hello, Tim? Tim Allen?
Ah, yeah, that bit
is going strong.
Who would have thought?
Moving on, do you want to
help me with something, Tim?
Don't worry, Tim.
This will be the safest ride
you've ever taken,
and just in case,
I took out a billion-dollar
life-insurance policy.
Hi! Welcome to the "Robot
Chicken" holiday... Aah!
Thank you for traveling
the North Pole Express,
famous for its very low rate
of passenger murders.
You'll never be murdered
on the North Pole Express.
- Don't forget to tip your porter.
- I almost missed this train.
I got on the Polar Express
by mistake.
- They're different trains, you see.
- I shall sit over there now.
So when we're on the crapper,
- you think it drops out on to the tracks?
- I shall sit over there now.
- So you see, it's a different train.
- Help!
- What's that?
- Geez!
Santa's dead!
- Oh, what a shame, suicide.
- Are you crazy?
- He was murdered.
- Oh, no.
There goes our zero murder rate.
Jesus!
Ask and you shall receive.
Holy shit!
There's a killer on board.
We need to get off this train.
Nobody gets off this train
until the villain is caught.
- Jesus, can you help us?
- I can, and I will,
and I'll even
do it without my magic.
It would be faster
with your magic.
Dad, take away my magic.
Now, let's solve this case.
♪ Do, do, do ♪
♪ Inspector Jesus on the case ♪
Let's see...
Are you a butler? Did you do it?
You don't get be porter
of the year
three years running
by killing passengers
unless you kill them
with good service. Wink.
- Are you done?
- Yes, sir, I am.
Good because you're
an inconsequential
character anyway.
Everybody out!
You are contaminating
my crime scene.
Is this one of those dinner
murder mystery things?
Can I be the sexy maid?
How about you just be
the suspect?
What time did you board
the train?
Well, I got on two trains.
Which one did you mean?
Are those whipping scars?
Santa whipped you to deliver
presents faster, didn't he?
- That's a motive.
- No, no, no, we all enjoyed the whipping.
- Hmm.
- Do you want to know about the drugs?
I was just about
to ask you that.
Oh, Santa has been doping us
for years.
You see, he wants us
bigger and stronger
'cause there's more
and more people in the world
which means more presents
and a heavier sleigh.
You know, I think I'm okay today
if you don't want to...
Oh, yeah, baby.
You've never
seen what that juice can do.
That's how we lost Prancer.
Aah!
Yep.
That's a reason to
kill Santa for sure.
Steroids cost a fortune,
lots of money moving around,
and in any crime,
you follow the money.
Oh, that's right.
Blame the nutcracker Jew.
There's a Jew?
Can I meet him?
I wouldn't kill Santa.
He saved my life.
Nutcrackers were the Cabbage
Patch Kids of our time,
but after Woolly Willy
came out, it was all over.
What did Santa bring you, honey?
- Firewood.
- I felt worthless.
I was unemployable, but Santa
said my little fist hands
were perfect for crunching
numbers, and he gave me a job.
A job that can afford
that mink hat,
that Rolex,
that diamond pentagram?
It's the Star of David,
and yes, I embezzled a skosh,
but I made Santa so much money.
I mean, who would begrudge
a little for myself?
And boom goes the motive.
Santa caught you,
so he had to die.
Solving crimes, typical Jesus,
just like in the Bible.
What are you, mashugana?
I wouldn't kill my cash cow.
There's a cow?
Can I meet him?
But we know
you're capable of murder
because, spoiler alert,
the Jews killed me!
Jews didn't kill Jesus, Jesus.
That's racism.
You're right.
I'm sorry...
What are we doing?
Wasting time.
This crime is unsolvable,
like Nicole Brown Simpson
and Ron Burgundy.
Huh, got something to say,
Santa's arch nemesis?
I never hated Santa.
I just hate children.
- Ain't that right.
- Well, of course you do.
Yep, that's why I got
my tubes tied.
Santa and I used to be
a comedy team.
We went by Fatty and the Kramp.
We were huge in the Catskills.
Hey, Krampus, what is mistletoe?
It's not a missile.
It's not a toe.
Hey, maybe you beat children
with it.
You know what?
I'm just done with this.
Ah, we stayed friends.
♪ It always hurts
to sleigh goodbye ♪
Oh, flood!
Aah!
♪ Avalanche won't stop
Detective Jesus ♪
♪ Avalanche can't stop
Inspector Jesus ♪
Oh, trapped, huh?
Oh, I'm going to enjoy
watching you meat puppets
- devour Santa's corpse.
- To get rid of the evidence!
Santa deserves it for
what he did to my people.
The North Pole did not
always belong to Santa.
My people once roamed the land
by the thousands
before the Iron Sleigh arrived.
The white-bearded man
promised to share the land,
but we were displaced.
Our noseless faces
were defiled with carrots,
our pristine bald heads
covered with top hats.
It was a nightmare!
- Wow, your flashback sucked.
- Oh, does genocide bum you out?
So you killed Santa
to avenge your people.
Doesn't matter anymore.
In 10 years, the North Pole
will be lost to us both.
Oh, here we go with the global
warming bullshit.
Inconsequential character
my ass.
- I am the goddamn hero of this story.
- Eh, you're a "C" plot at best.
Wait a minute.
Where there's crumbs,
there's crimes every time.
Inspector Jesus!
Not so fast, Ginger Spice.
Earlier, I saw crumbs
outside Santa's door.
- That puts you at the scene.
- I was with him last night.
Last I checked, crumbing's
not a crime, baby Jesus.
- But adultery is.
- Um, it is not.
- It's not?
- It is not.
Well, it's not cool.
You wanted him all for yourself,
but he wouldn't leave his wife,
so you killed him.
I was fulfilling my dream
of singing my heart
out for strangers when Big Red
walked into my life.
♪ Remember to grease my pan ♪
♪ Give me all of your loving ♪
♪ Because you're
my number-one man ♪
You've got a secret ingredient, kid,
but it takes more than talent
to bake a star.
B-d-d-d-d-d!
Finally, the world
would hear my music.
♪ N-P-F-L ♪
♪ North Pole For Life ♪
♪ DJ on the mike, Clause ♪
♪ On the ones and twos
North Pole Productions, bitch ♪
♪ Don't forget about Dre ♪
But creative differences
ruined everything.
Extra, extra!
Santa's album sells zero copies,
also 9/11!
- So you killed him?
- I loved him.
- Loved?
- Okay, he was repulsive.
His balls were like chestnuts
roasted over an open fire,
and his dick wasn't even
♪ Five inches long. ♪
- Gross.
- How do I know you didn't kill him?
You with your big, strong arms.
Do you work out?
- I do CrossFit.
- Nailed it!
Sorry, doll, you're not
the first to be compelled
by the power of Christ.
You know, it could've been Jesus.
Santa was his father.
What?
He was not my father.
I thought Jesus
was Santa's son, too.
I'm not Santa's kid.
I'm God's kid.
Okay, I'm going to let you
[bleep] idiots work this out
and go look for some
more clues... by myself.
Solving crimes!
Ow!
What... what the [bleep]?
My feet!
Who the [bleep] is doing this?
Real mature, guys.
CrossFit!
♪ Inspector Jesus
chasing the killer ♪
♪ Don't need magic to catch him ♪
Jesus!
Surprised I'm not dead,
Peppermint?
Well, it's not the first time
I've been "double crossed."
- That's offensive.
- Nailed it twice.
I knew if I went off by myself,
the real killer would make
a move, and so she has.
I didn't do it.
Oh, God.
Peppermint is the killer,
and Jesus for the win!
She hated Santa!
She told me it was hell
in that toy factory...
no safety regulations,
no bathroom breaks,
no casual Fridays.
It got so bad Santa
had to install suicide nets.
Thought you'd take a break, huh?
Well, back to work.
She tried to unionize, but
Santa hired a strike-busting Bumble,
and Bumbles bounce your head
against the curve if you unionize.
I'm not going down for this.
The truth is...
- Who did that?
- Don't look at me, baby.
Porter, please tell the authorities
to be waiting at the next station.
I, Jesus Christ,
without using any magic,
- have solved the crime.
- You know who the killer is?
What did I just say?
You said, "Porter, please
tell the authorities... "
Shut up, Comet!
Let me show you what happened in
our most exciting flashback yet.
Santa's door wasn't forced
because he opened
it himself for friends.
- Hello.
- Stab! For the pole.
- For the pole.
- For the pole.
- [Bleep] carrot.
- For the pole.
For the... for the...
- for the pole.
- There we go.
For the pole.
- You can't prove any of it.
- I can prove any of it.
Krampus, your ukulele
was out of tune,
exactly the way it would be
if you stabbed someone with it.
Snowball, you're melting
due to global warming,
and there was a small puddle
of water near the body.
- Nutsy, you're a Jew.
- Hey!
Ginger, I believe
this belongs to you.
- Oh, [bleep].
- Ooh, what about me?
You've got tiny bits of entrails
on your antlers.
- Yay, I'm implicated!
- And Peppermint, she's dead.
So now we know all the reasons
they wanted to kill Santa.
- Yes.
- No!
- No?
- The truth is we were all
in a fantasy football
league together.
Santa was checking
his naughty and nice list
to guess which players
could be suspended,
thereby predicting the spread.
He cheated, and he deserved to die!
So he died for
the greatest sin of all,
giving a shit
about fake football.
But without you, Jesus,
we go free.
Ow!
- Oh, [bleep]!
- Jesus magic, I'm back, baby!
I-I hope that you enjoyed your
time on the North Pole Express.
It was all right.
Three and a half fishes, I'd say.
Wow, suicide.
- Ow, ow, these pinch!
- Another murder mystery solved by
♪ Inspector Jesus,
solving crimes ♪
- ♪ Boo-yah ♪
- You did it, my friend.
Cheese and crackers, you're alive?
I was in the locomotive
the whole time,
pulling a train,
if you know what I mean.
You know there are two trains?
- Then whose body was in your cabin?
- Tim Allen.
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
Hello, Tim? Tim Allen?
Ah, yeah, that bit
is going strong.
Who would have thought?
Moving on, do you want to
help me with something, Tim?
Don't worry, Tim.
This will be the safest ride
you've ever taken,
and just in case,
I took out a billion-dollar
life-insurance policy.