Roadkill (2012–2020): Season 7, Episode 6 - Roadkill - full transcript

(car engine revs)

(laughing)

- All done.

Nice work.

- This time on Roadkill,

the stupidest fun we've had going nowhere

and not doing burnouts.

- It's all floppy now!

- It's the whole transmission!

(engines rev and tires squeal)

(heavy metal music)



(engine roaring)

- We were in the mood for
a good, old-fashioned,

Roadkill road trip,

and so here's how that went down.

I was on vacation.

Finnegan bought a truck, sight unseen,

somewhere here in Jackson, Wisconsin,

and we're going to just
roll up this roll-up door.

You're going to see the
vehicle at the same time I do.

We're going to hop in it.

We're going to drive it away.

Yay!

Whoa, there it is.

(light rock riff)



So, this is like a '61
to '67 Ford Econoline.

I know that's when they made them.

I don't know what year this one is.

- This is the truck that you sit

next to the engine in, right?

(funky rock music)

Hey, we have a tachometer!

- We have an Evel Knievel!
- We have an Evel Knievel.

- Check that out!

- [Mike] We have a shifter.

- [David] Ooh, that's a good bonus.

- I don't really want to know any more.

I don't know what engine is in it.

- I think the ad said
it was the 289, right?

I'm just looking how little sheet metal

is protecting me from
you rear-ending somebody.

- I'm looking at the number
of holes in the floor

that cold air is going to come through,

'cause it's 40 degrees here
in Wisconsin right now.

- [David] Fire it up!

- Let's go.

This is cool.

(starter cranking)

I see how this is going to go.

(laughing)

(starter cranking)

- [Mike] Starting fluid?

- [David] Smells like varnish.

Okay, well that plan didn't go very far.

(engine starts and revs)

Perfect! Ah, man, it runs sweet!

Ish.

(starter cranking)

(engine roaring)

Guess we're going to need
a case of starting fluid.

It doesn't run nearly
as badly as I'd hoped.

- Give it time.

- [Mike] Yeah!

- Alright, we have right side turn signal.

- How 'about brakes?

Yeah, brake lights!

- This thing's legit.

Let's just go before
something bad happens.

- I know, let's go.

- Ready for adventure?

(engine roaring)

- [David] Does it have brakes?

- [Mike] Yes, it does.

- [David] Okay.

Oh, foggy!

- [Mike] Feel like we're going to..

That's so clear!

- Fall out the front of this thing.

- [David] I know!

(engine idling)

Whoa!

Oh, this thing is weird!

- [David] Okay.

So what's our plan?

- [Mike] Let's just
drive to where it's warm.

- Yeah.

- And whatever comes our way.

I've never driven anything
that the steering wheel

didn't return to center on.

It looks like I'm driving drunk.

- The boxes on these
things always get, like,

a full turn of play in them, too.

- So far it's treating me good.

- Uh oh!

No, it's not!

- That's a gas station, we'll be fine.

- Do you smell it?

- Yeah, what is that?

- See the temp gauge?

- Aw, no way!

- [David] It's already overheating, 220!

- We just left!

- Oh, and it's pouring steam!

Oh, we have a problem.

- Oh, and right next to us!

- Yes!

There's water pouring out of the radiator.

The news was not good.

Look at that.

- [Mike] That's very low.

- [David] How clogged does it look?

Three-row radiator.
- It doesn't at all.

- [David] It's not at all,
it looks pretty new and good.

Do you want to hit the thermostat housing

in case the thermostat's stuck?

- [Mike] Yes.

- [David] I'm just going to
hope it had no water in it

and that's why it's overheating.

(engine starts)

(metal clanking)

That water's not moving.

- This demands actual

problem-solving

and mechanical skill.

- [David] We're screwed!

- Yeah!

(laughing)

- I'm declaring it's good enough

for us for right now.

In 15 minutes it'll be a different story.

- Let's ride!

(engine roaring)

New goal!
- Live!

- Go somewhere south,
live, maybe do a burnout.

- Does that tach actually work?

- It is functioning.

- And it's already back to 180 degrees,

but maybe that's what the thermostat is.

- Maybe the gauge is wrong.

- It's kind of warm.

It's like a heater.

- Maybe we need to cardboard the bottom.

- We might need to, it is
missing that belly pan thing

these are supposed to have.

- [Mike] We've gone several
blocks, I feel pretty good.

- I'm okay if it runs at
210 if it just stays there.

- Yeah!

- Let me look.

Oh yeah, water's coming out.

Oh yeah, here it comes.

- Oh yeah, we're over--

Alright, we need some cardboard.

We're going to employ some
zip ties, some duct tape,

and a little bit of cardboard,

and duct some air from out
here into that radiator.

And that may not fix it, but
I'll feel better about it

because we made the effort.

- It'll look good if anything.

We decided to make a log of our trip,

so we're going to write
down our odometer reading

and what happened.

So, purchased it in
Jackson, Jackson, Wisconsin,

and then pretty much .2
miles later, overheated.

And then .2 miles later...

- Overheated but we worked on it.

- See this tire right here?

This is an actual Sears tire.

When do you think the last time was

that they made one of those?

Look at the cracks in the sidewall.

Don't tell Finnegan.

- Alright, we're off!

- We've got the belly pan on
it now, maybe it'll fix it.

- No.

- [David] 150 degrees right now.

- [Mike] Stay cool, car!

- [David] You can do a burnout,

I'm telling you, commit!

(clunking)

Oh, that sounded terrible!

Oh, this one's goin'!

Is that one goin'?

- [Mike] Slowly, but yes!

- [David] Yeah!

(engine roaring)

All I needed was a burnout!

(engine quieting)

- There.

- Ah, alright, good job.

- Thanks.

Oh look!

This is blowing up, now!

Hey, that's a good sign!
- Yeah!

- That means it worked!

We're scientists!

- Cardboard for the win!

- Wow, that's scientific!

We're geniuses!

(engine roaring)

- 40 miles an hour really
feels like her sweet spot.

- Yeah.

- 215 degrees of temp.

- Yeah, I'm starting to
smell the coolant, though.

- Yep, it's gettin' hotter.

Oh, we're steaming.

- Oh, yeah.

We need a better radiator
cap, that's the problem.

- That sounds good.

- It's the same as the ugly truckling.

- Yes.

This is a good spot, I like this.

- You got your marker handy?

- Yes!

(laughing)

Goodbye!

(laughing)

Holy crap!

- He's scurred.

Ugh, doesn't breathe good.

- It's less happy than it was before!

- [David] That tastes bad.

My new theory is that our radiator cap

doesn't have a good enough seal on it,

it's just bypassing too soon.

- Hey, went almost three miles!

- It just blew off the bypass hose.

It's no big deal.

We need a new radiator cap.

- I really appreciate the consistency

of the evil Econoline.

It's let us down four times,

every 3/10ths to one full mile.

Overheating.

Step one of Freiburger's plan,

install a new radiator cap.

Alright, check.

Step two of our plan, I'm
just throwing parts at it

instead of identifying the actual problem.

Let's put a reservoir on here!

I feel good about that.

- [David] 5.8 miles so far.

- [Mike] We're making progress!

- What are our odds?

- Seven miles.

- Seven?

I like it!

Highway 43, that takes us to Milwaukee.

190 degrees

and still climbing.

Maybe he put the wrong sensor in it.

- I...

- Oh, now it's steaming everywhere!

- Oh, it's wet, dude!
- Now we're screwed!

Yeah, now you're pulling over.

- We're gettin' burned!
- Yeah.

Ahh!

- Oh my god!

(engine struggling)

(metal squealing)

(coughing)

That could have gone better.

- [David] Oh yeah, that didn't work.

The radiator cap held
the water in much longer

when the temperature got much worse,

but I think we're finally going
to have to go to thermostat,

and if it isn't that,
then we're into, like,

strapping the radiator

to the front of the truck or something.

Man, it's pukin' it
everywhere on the ground!

This would be overheating stop #5.

See this?

The thermostat is still hot
enough that it is wide open,

so a stuck thermostat is not our problem.

So after five overheating
stops in like 10 miles,

we finally gave in and had
the video crew drive us

to get parts.

We ended up replacing the water pump,

even though the old one
kind of seemed okay,

and we swapped out that
junkyard electric fan

for a new larger one,

and a couple of hours later
we were back on the road.

(bluesy rock music)

(engine roaring)

- [Mike] So far, so good.

I can't decide if there's
another gear or not.

(engine shifts)

- Yes.

- Hey!

(laughing)

Come on, you pile!

You can go four miles!

I smell things.

- 190.

Okay, 200 degrees.

Let's see, NAPA

Auto Parts.

- Alright, time for desperate measures.

Put the radiator outside of the truck,

Scotch-Brite the balancer
and find TDC, time it.

- [David] Yeah, we're screwed.

The worst part is this means

we have to actually resort to butchery.

- We don't normally do that, I mean...

- I know.
- That's not our style,

but yeah, I'm thinkin'

the radiator, I mean it
needs to be standoff.

- Standoff.
- Yeah.

Let's do two ice chests behind it.

(rock music)

We'll have zip ties, ratchet
straps and gorilla tape

for fixing our new cooling system.

- Dude!
- That's engineering,

when you can hang your
radiator from your wiper posts

and still use the wipers.

- This is unusual levels
of desperation even for us.

- I feel right at home.

- Because this wasn't cheap,

this is about 450 bucks worth of stuff,

but that's 450 bucks
worth of being on the road

instead of overheating
in Wisconsin for a week.

- We are plumbing.

We've got some PVC right angle elbows

from the hardware store.

We're going to get this
connected to the engine,

and then we're going to hit the road,

kind of, "Will it still overheat?"

- [David] This has been a home run, man.

Way easier than we expected.

We've just about got the
radiator plugged into this thing.

What did you do?

(laughing)

Eh, it's just rust water.

There's no antifreeze in there.

(funky jazz music)

Well, we're almost ready
to fire this thing up

and make it drink its water.

This is going to work!

Confidence!

(engine starts)

Ooh, it drank!

Something's pumping that water,

that's, like, encouraging!

- Hey, good news!

It's not overheating yet!

- [David] Really?

Then we won!

I think the brand new water pump

was the key to our success.

- [Mike] I'm not yet
ready to claim victory,

but I do feel good about
the effort we made.

"He hate me" wouldn't do
us wrong for a ninth time?

No!

- Here we go!

- [Mike] Don't get cocky!

(engine roaring)

- Dude!

It's 130 degrees!

- Yes it is!

The fumes definitely suck.

- [David] How about,
can you open your glass?

- Ah, good idea.

- Maybe if you taped the seam

the exhaust wouldn't be
coming in here as much.

Oh here's Good Hope Road,
let's get off there!

- [Mike] I like it!

- [David] Alright, success!

That was winning!

This thing doesn't even
run 150 degrees now!

- We are the smartest men alive!

- Now our problem is that
we can drive well enough

that the cab is completely
filling with exhaust fumes.

But, I noticed if you hold
the lid down on the doghouse

it doesn't blow up unless fumes get in,

so we need to tape that down.

- 'Cause it's all going too well!

150 degrees of coolant temp,

exhaust fumes coming in the
car like old school Roadkill,

this is going too well today.

There.

- [David] Ready?

(engine starting)

Oh, man.

- I had no idea we had such--
- Oh!

- Don't break it!

(laughing)

Jesus!

- [David] You don't believe me?

- [Mike] I don't believe in He Hate Me.

(light squealing)

- [David] There we go!

(laughing)

- [Mike] Yep, no faith!

This one didn't even spin!

(laughing)

(engine roaring)

Oh, good.

- Oh, good, traffic!
- Yeah.

- That's less death from tires exploding

and more death from overheating!

- Yes.
- I'll take the overheating.

Everything's been going perfectly,

we've even gotten pulled over by a cop

but he was totally cool and let us go,

and then we thought it was raining

because there was water
going on the windshield,

and it is!

But, then, it also blew
apart one of the connections

so as soon as he couples
that back together,

we fill it up with water and hit the road.

(engine roaring)

Can we leave the key in it again

or do we love it too much now?

- [Mike] I'm kind of
falling in love again.

- [David] Really?

Again?
- Yeah!

- [David] Pretty much we're
in for the night, I think.

- We did 130 miles!

- Not bad!

Our destination is still

another 12 hours away at...

It's the journey, as it
always is on Roadkill.

This has actually been pretty cool,

this is kind of old school for us.

- We're here for the adventure!

- [David] Yeah!

- [Mike] And the carbon monoxide!

(laughing)

- Morning!

Time to decide what we're
actually doing here.

- We still need to head
south to sunshine in America

and you have a map.

- I do.
- I like it.

- So, here's what I was thinking,

is that we need a destination.

- Yeah, we're by the water.

Waukegan?

- Waukegan?

Hot Rod Magazine is having the

top speed shootout thing that
they do at the Arkansas Mile,

which is 500 and, like,
five miles from here.

It's all about just,
like, trying to get there

and seeing some cool stuff along the way

and making it 250 miles in a whole day.

- If we don't suffocate,
I think we can make it.

- You know what else I got?

- Oh great!

We'll know before we suffocate
that we're suffocating!

I love it!

- Yeah, but if we do?

- That fixes everything!

(laughing)

And nobody stole the truck, so...

- [David] I keep leaving the key in it,

and it keeps still being here!

What is with that?

(loud beeping)

- Oh, we're already going to die.

- Is that loud enough that we'll hear it?

- Yeah.

- Headin' south, headin' to paradise!

(rock music)

- [Mike] Uh oh, I think I just broke this.

- Finny broke it!

- Okay, here.

Here you go!

I saved it!

- Alright!

Okay, so we're going to
go to Volo Auto Museum.

(rock music)

- [Mike] There it is!

- I've seen this place online,

I've looked at their
cars for sale and stuff.

I've never been here.

- This is the one that has
the copy of your car, right?

- [David] They used to.

Wow, much bigger than I thought.

- [Mike] Oh, it's like a town!

Look at it!

- This is Volo Auto Museum,

which is in Lakemoor, Illinois.

I saw this was on the map
and I had to come here.

- [Mike] These are really nice.

- Oh, wow.

I like '66 Novas, I think '67s better.

- Now you're talkin'!
- Oh, check this out!

Only 60 grand, it could be yours!

- 30 of it's in the motor.

- It is.

Every car here is for sale.

42 grand, you could have this one.

- 442?

Wow, this place is cool!

You can buy all these cars.

You could make some bad
decisions in this place

and feel great about
it for about 20 minutes

'till you drive home and
have to tell your wife

what you did.

- Yeah, but we're Roadkill, it's our job!

Let's put money down and
drive something out of here!

So, as you may know, the Chevy small block

came out in 1955 and the
350 came out in 1967.

- [Mike] Right.

- This is a display

from the original auto
shows that they made.

It's a cutaway of a 350, a turbo 350,

and a 12 bolt posi rear end, and look.

- No way!

- Isn't that amazing?

- [Mike] This is brilliant!

- Look, you can see the
oil pump gears turning.

(bluesy music)

Look!

Look in the Bluesmobile!

Cop shocks, cop brakes, cop motor.

Let's just stay here for
the next, you know, week.

Remember how I said we
were goin' to Arkansas

for the top speed event?

- Nah, I've forgotten all about that.

- Yeah, me too!

Because it's noon.

(doors slamming)

(engine roaring)

(CO detector beeping)

(engine revving)

- On the road again!

(CO detector beeping)

- Hey!

- I pressed it.

- Aw, I thought we were dying!

I got all excited!

(laughing)

(beeping)

- [David] So, why is
that getting that hot?

Ambient temperature?

- Yeah, probably.

- Still climbing.

(sudden bursting)

- [Mike] Whoa, there we go!

Yeah, pull over.

I think it's the same hose.

- Deja vu all over again.

What just happened is we're cruising along

thing's getting warmer and warmer,

we're like, "Ah, is it because

the temperature ambient is hotter,

or is it bec--no!

It blew water all over
the windshield again

'cause the hose fell off.

- Over

heated

again.

- Here's the actual diagnosis
of the situation here.

We got a whole bunch of
really great metal couplers

and then this, which is plastic,

and which melted.

Look at that!

- I blame myself for that.
- Y'know?

You just got to try stuff to learn.

- [Mike] I have prepped
the Fetzer valve for you.

- Me?

That means this becomes my
fault from this point forward.

- Yeah.

Whoa, careful!

Careful!

- Broken motor mount or what?

- Dude, let's not find out!

- Let's not!

(engine roaring)

So here we are on the 94 in Chicago.

Thing dies in the middle of the freeway.

No spark.

It's on.

- Go off.
- Off.

- [Mike] It's the coil.

- [David] On.

I'm going to crank it.

Okay, you ready?

- OK, go ahead.

(starter turning)

- It's got to be the coil.

- It overheated the coil there,

and that thing's just dead.

Which, that's happened a lot on Roadkill

so we bought another one.

We'll be out of here before dark,

which is great because we
don't have any headlights.

- Something's pinched in--
- Oh, wait.

Hold on, you got a wire under there.

Try it now.

(engine starting)

- Done!
- Headin' out!

- Okay!

The coil is garbage and the
points were barely opening

and so I opened those up
a little bit and it's,

it was much snappier.

(upbeat rock music)

Hey!

Had progress today, 30 miles!

- High five!

(sudden bursting)

No!

Aw, hell, again?

(laughing)

I'm not stopping!

I will burn this bitch to the ground!

Hell!

No!

That's, that's smoke.

- [David] No!

Steaming?

- [Mike] Yeah.

(laughing)

(coughing)

Son of a!

(laughing)

What?

- Yeah, the tape thing just doesn't work.

So I'm going for the new
Freiburger trickery here,

see, we're losing the gaff tape,

we're going to the gorilla tape.

It's going to be superior
just in that measure.

I'm also going to double hose-clamp it.

And the thing is, only an amateur

would put on two hose clamps

you know, like this?

No way, you got to offset
the pressures like that

and make it perfect.

There's going to be no way
this comes apart again.

It's all fun and games when
your cooling system fails

but, we now have to drive at night

and we have no headlights.

We can't figure out
why, because they worked

when we bought this turd.

Are they on right now?

- Yeah.

- Nothin'.

How about floor switch?

I bet it's floor switch.

Whoa! Fixed!

Alright, let's go!

(yawning)

(engine roaring)

(light rock music)

(yawning)

There we go, 55 South, St. Louis.

- [Mike] Yep.

We're running at a cool 125 degrees.

- Alright, great.

You realize this would be

a devastatingly bad day for most people.

- Oh, I think sane people would've

just pushed the thing
off a cliff two days ago.

Not us!

I believe--

- Oh!

The accelerator just broke!

(laughing)

- Wait, I can fix it!

- [David] So, right now we're
at the side of the freeway

while Finnegan is on the floor

attempting to reattach the throttle.

- [Mike] Alright, we are good!

(light pop music)

(engine roaring)

- [David] I feel so safe!

- Safe enough to find a
hotel and stop for the night?

- Yeah, we may have to.

- I feel like we've had
a lot of adventure today!

- This right now feels
exactly like what it's like

pulling the parachute at Bonneville.

- Relief!

- Like, that was a great ride, I lived!

- Yeah!

- That's what that is like.

Relief!

This is Roadkill Day.

Friday the 13th.

Nothing could possibly go wrong!

You know what the beauty of today is?

We really have no idea where we're going.

However, I am going to take Finnegan to

a significant local cultural
center this morning.

It's going to be great.

- [Mike] Hmm.

Know what this is?

This is just one long test drive.

(engine roaring)

We have full on
Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang exhaust

happening right now.

- It seems to be getting
worse than it was yesterday.

I can't imagine why.

- Meh.

- Meh.

- [Mike] Oh, this is cool!

- Yeah.

Joliet correctional
center, originally known as

Illinois State Pen, it is
featured in the motion picture

"The Blues Brothers."

Check it out!

Old Joliet prison.

This is crazy cool.

- Joliet State Prison.

Hell of a detour for us in He Hate Me.

- This was built in the mid 1850s.

They made the prisoners
build their own prison

out of the limestone from the area.

They actually quarried it.

We read that the cells are
seven by seven by four.

Four feet wide.
- Two people in there.

- With two people in 'em.

- There's your roof.

- Yeah.

- You fart in there, you kill
the other guy in the cell.

It looks like if you had a screwdriver

you could turn that lock.

- Breaking in to prison.

It's going to break the knife.

You'll get arrested going in there anyway.

- It'd be worth it!

- But it'd be worth it.

(light bluesy music)

I should probably re-watch Blues Brothers.

I haven't memorized that one.

- Classic flick.
- Yep.

- Look!

- [David] Yep, there you go!

- [Mike] Belushi on a wall!

There's the penguin!

- [David] Cool!

Do you want to go see the
Bluesmobile on a stick?

- [Mike] Yes.

(engine roaring)

- [David] There it is.

- [Mike] Look at that!

- [David] Genuine Monaco on a stick.

- [Mike] And it's got the speaker, dude!

- [David] Yeah, I know, that's the key.

- [Mike] Aw, this is cool!

- [David] Cop suspension, cop brakes.

- We put a man on the moon,

we put a Monaco on a stick.

(hip hop beat)

- [David] Our near death
experience is coming to an end.

- Yeah, we are at the end.

We're at the end of this journey!

- [David] Yeah, paradise didn't happen,

but it was still a pretty good trip!

I had fun.

And donuts?

- [Mike] Oh, wow.

- I think it's about time for a little

Roadkill Behind-the-scenes.

- We started out with
61,255 miles on the clock.

So we didn't even go 400
miles according to that.

And once I tell you
that the odometer is off

by 15 miles per hour,

we've really probably only went 50 miles.

Total.

In five days.

- We came into Milwaukee,

we bought this vehicle
roughly right there.

And the on day one, we
went roughly right there.

- Generous!
- And then on day two,

we were pretty much right there.

And then on day three,
I think we made it to...

- We went, like, sideways.

- And then yesterday we
cannonballed all the way down here

to like...

- We never made it to Chicago.
- No.

And then we went down
here to Joliet today,

and this is where we saw

the Blues Brothers prison
and all that stuff.

And then we got on the highway
and we were headed back home

because what we were going
to do was return the truck

to the guy we bought it from,

but then it started raining!

But it's freezing,

the thing is hydroplaning,

we're all going to die, so,

this is

"end."

It's all over.

Burnout?

(engine roaring)

Woohoo!

(laughing)

(engine roaring)

(laughing)

(engine roaring)

On this episode, we set out
to do a good, old-fashioned

Roadkill road trip.

Just buying garbage and
hittin' the highway.

And we had fun!

I mean, the Museum was cool,
some of our sightseeing,

cruising in this worthless truck.

But the fact is, the
Econoline is actual sewage.

I mean, this thing is a pile!

So much so, that I'm not really sure

you'll see this again in a future episode.

And here's why,

it's so weak and pathetic,
it wouldn't even do a burnout

on rock-hard ancient
tires, and so in the end,

we decided to go to desperate measures.

The reverse slam.

(engine roaring)

(explosion)

(laughing)

(engine roaring)

- [Mike] Oh, dude!

You broke the back of
the transmission off!

- [David] Parts flying!

- [Mike] It's everywhere!

It's a triple homicide!

You didn't break the u-joint,

you broke the back off the transmission!

- That is some shrapnel!

Look at us dragging junk on the ground!

You got to give me credit,

that's the best transmission failure

we've ever had on Roadkill, right?

- [Mike] Oh, you win.

- Give it sumpin'!

- [Mike] You win!

- Woo!

Support companies that support Roadkill.

She's going to blow!

- [Mike] We're on fire!

- I know.

The locals think we're crazy.

Oh, that's the hotel, right there.

Two hour parking, 7am to 7pm, except--

Okay, we're fine.
- Yeah!

- Let's leave the key
in it and hope it's gone

by the time we get back.

- I feel good about that.

Sure.