Roadkill (2012–2020): Season 1, Episode 6 - Thrash Battle! Van vs Wagon - full transcript

- On this episode of Roadkill,

- Finnegan's going to have yet
again his best day at work.

- Damn right.

(engine cranks)

(tires screech)

(fast rock music)

(plastic cracking)

- You know, on Roadkill,
we've pretty much proven

that we can do anything and
somehow it entertains somebody,

even when we dis Lamborghinis.

And so when we ran out of time



to do an actual good show this time,

we decided to go with gratuitous violence.

- This will be the best show ever.

(car squeals)

(crashes loudly)

- We needed a couple of parts
cars for project vehicles

that we're working on in the magazie.

I was looking for a small block Chrysler

and an automatic transmission for it.

And then, we also needed
a full-sized GM chassis

for a body drop project
that we want to do.

- Freiburger's a busy
guy, so he gave me the job

of finding the cars.

And the two cars I picked were dirt cheap.



One was an '87 Buick
Electra station wagon,

the one that seats nine people

with the seat in the back
that faces the wrong way,

so kids can yell at cars behind them.

And the other one was a 1993
Dodge Ram conversion van.

We decided to have some
competitions with them.

Before you see it, I just
want you to pick one.

The one on the left or
the one on the right.

- [David] Left.

- [Mike] Okay.

- [David] Okay.

(David gasps)

I see a van!

Oh, I choked.

I should've gone right.

What's on the left?

Wagon!

Oh, dude, this is just
like the Pontiac I had

when I was a teenager.

(Mike laughs)

I own this.

I've been in every dirt road

in Southern California in one of these.

This is mint!

The headliner's not
even falling out of it.

Dude, I'm keeping this.

- Everything works,
even the cruise control.

It seats nine.

- [David] We can't ruin this car.

This is better than my daily driver.

- Hey, hey, check the horn.

(horn honks)

Train horn.

- Very familiar, it has
a 700R4 in it, dude.

It has overdrive.

- This is money.

- Does this have an Oldsmobile
in it or is it a Buick model?

- [Mike] 307.

- 307 Olds?

- [Mike] Yup.

- In the Buick.

- It makes a whoppin' 140 horsepower.

And this thing weighs 4,300 pounds.

- Oh, I don't care.

I can throw this thing
around like no tomorrow.

You choked.

Show me the van, though.

- You ready for this?

Porno van.

Check it out!

(David laughs)

Captain's chairs, the rear
couch folds into a bed.

- Sweet!

- It's got a TV, a VCR.

- It's got a lot of DNA.

- Supposedly, 220
horsepower, back in the day.

(laughs)

This is over 5,000 pounds.

- This could not be more perfect.

This is awesome.

- [Mike] Are you ready?

♫ Bow chicka bow bow ♫

- I fee like I'm in Vegas.

Oh, this is going to be genius.

Let's get to it.

The first thing I think we
should do is drag race them

to see who's actually got more power.

(bangs loudly)

- I think I'm going to lose
that one (laughs), but whatever.

(buzzes)

- I'm going to run into him right now.

(engine revs)

(David laughs)

Oh, this thing has a broken motor mount.

(David laughs)

I normally have a lot
of respect for old cars.

The idea of bashing on these
was kind of buggin' me,

but the truth is conversion
vans are worthless.

We would've never done anything with that.

- [Mike] Yeah, baby!

- [David] And the Buick
wasn't as good as it looks.

And it won't pass smog,

which in California makes it worthless.

(rock music)

Okay, here's the deal.

I'm going to honk three times.

On the third one, go.

And the first one through
those two cones wins.

- [Mike] Your mother!

(car honking)

(engines rev)

Come on, van.

- [David] See ya.

(David laughs)

(tires squeal)

- [Mike] Dude, I want one more lap.

I guarantee you don't
get there before I do.

I got something special.

- [David] Are you going
to neutral slam it?

- [Mike] Hell yeah!

(David laughs)

- [David] Ready?

(car honks)

(rock music)

(tires screech)

- [Mike] I pulled the only
move a cheatin' SOB would,

I pit maneuvered him, so he
couldn't finish the race.

- [David] So not cool!

- If you don't finish, you can't win.

(tires squeal)

(Mike laughs)

There's no better feeling in
life than watching your boss

loop out a car after you've
crashed into him on purpose.

I don't think that's going to buff out.

(Mike laughs)

(hard rock music)

- The magazine has a permanent
Autocross setup at El Toro

that we use for vehicle
testing, but it's new.

And so we're not that familiar with it,

and we both had to take
some practice laps.

- And then we we were
going to do two time laps.

The best lap time wins the deal.

- I won't jag you on the
time if you don't jag me.

- [Mike] I don't need any extra help.

- Okay, are you ready?

(exhales sharply)

Yes, sir.

- [David] One,

two,

three!

(intense rock music)

(tire squeals)

- [Mike] Yeah!

(tires squeal)

Get 'er done!

- [David] He's rockin' the van!

(intense rock music)

(tires squeal)

Here he comes!

Got it!

Dude!

(laughs)

That was impressive, 128.

It looked brilliant!

- [Mike] Dude, I can do better than that.

There's a severe lack of traction

in the corners, on this thing.

Unhook, and all that brute
torque, just spinnin' the tires.

- Oh, if you had a posi,
you'd be unstoppable.

- [Mike] Dude.

- I actually, there's a little
bit of fear in me right now.

- [Mike] You should be afraid.

This next run, I'm
lettin' it all hang out.

- Okay, I'm ready.

(rock music)

- [Mike] After the first
lap, I knew I was losing time

in some of the corners where the thing

just didn't have any traction.

And so I made a few
corrections on lap number two,

which I felt pretty good about.

- [David] Ooh, he's pickin' up the pace.

I think he's ahead.

Oh, dude!

(David laughs)

126, two seconds down!

That's awesome, but I can beat it.

- I had Chinese for lunch.

You know what my fortune cookie said?

- [David] I lose?

- You're going to loop this bitch out

at the end of the track down there.

- [David] If only.

(David laughs)

- [Mike] But good luck, though.

Okay, ready?

- [David] Yup.

- [Mike] Go!

(tires squeal)

Oh, that hubcaps comin' off.

(tires squeal)

(rock music)

(tires squealing)

- [David] Oh, this is getting too close.

(tires squeal loudly)

Well?

- You lose!

- [David] No!

I lost by 0.8!

(David screams)

- No, no, I went 126.

- [David] Yeah, but you
went 128 the first time.

This thing is gutless, and
the steering is really slow.

And I got lost, so.

- I blame the driver completely.

I think the car is perfect.

- [David] I'm just going to
take the parking brake off now.

- Don't make me get in here

and whoop your ass in
your own car, all right.

- [David] Okay, I can't
let that happen again.

That was bad.

- Being that I'm giving you almost

a thousand pound weight advantage.

All right, ready?

Three, two, one!

(intense rock music)

Oh, you look smoother.

He doesn't look as good as I
looked, but he looks smoother.

One minute, this is not good.

He's picked up a lot of time.

- [David] Now my second
lap, when I actually went

around the course like I was supposed to,

and kind of had to hang
a bit, I went a 119.

Nine seconds quicker than my first lap.

And on an Autocross, nine
seconds is light years.

- Holy--

(tires screech)

Guy picks up nine seconds.

(tires screech)

What, did you find your balls
or something in the last turn?

(David laughs)

119.3.

- [David] Thank you!

- [Mike] I want to go again.

That ain't fair.

(David laughs)

Five practice laps.

- [David] And so of course,
I won the Autocross.

(crashes loudly)

- All the Autocross really proved was

that Freiburger had a better handling car.

I wanted to do an event
that would showcase

who's the better driver.

So next we moved on to our
obstacle avoidance challenge.

- Here's the plan.

Rockford, the old reverse 180.

We're going to speed down this way,

flip the car around.

The goal is maximum
action through the boxes,

and then you got to get
through the two cars

without hittin' 'em.

- Thread the needle with the van.

- [David] That's it.

- I like it.

- [David] I'm going first.

- All right.

- [David] The key to doing a Rockford

is to nail it in reverse.

And what you want to do
is lift off the throttle

and spin the steering
wheel at the same time.

And the car will come around
and just at the right moment

you have to from reverse to drive.

(tires squeal)

(both laugh)

- [Mike] So Freiburger set
the rules up for this deal

and yeah, he did the 180,
but he hit the wooden car.

- Man, I had good speed, nailed the boxes.

I grazed one of the cars,

but I still say that was a good pass.

- I've never done a Rockford.

So Freiburger had to tell me,
"You're going to do a 180,

"and then drive out of it."

No big deal, I can do that.

I'm dumb.

Okay, here we go.

(engine hums)

(tires squeal)

(Mike laughs)

- [David] Weak!

- I couldn't see out the back window.

And I just wanted to make sure the thing

would spin around without tippin' over.

(despondent music)

- So we set it up again, and
I went for pass number two.

And I was being a little
bit too cautious that time,

because I didn't want
to hit the car again.

(tires squeal)

- [Mike] The guy that set up
the rules failed miserably.

Freiburger hit the wooden car both times

he tried to Rockford through that thing.

- Now Finnegan likes to make
up the rules as he goes along,

except for when they're my
rules, and then they're firm.

- That was Freiburger's rule.

Got to follow Freiburger's rule.

Yeah, the first Rockford I did

that was kind of a test

just to see if it would flip over.

It was weak, but the second one,

(tires squeal)

bitchin', went all the way though there

with style without hitting either car.

I mean, I threaded the
needle with this big ass van.

- I don't know.

Van wins.

- Who won the Rockford challenge?

This guy.

- You suck.

Here's why.

I had to teach you the Autocross,

teach you how to drag race,

and teach you how to Rockford.

I won.

- Do you know where you are right now?

- I'm in the wining position.

- [Mike] You taught me nothing.

- I'm in the pole position.

- Oh my God, let's go through this again.

Autocross, 5,000 pounds, 4,000 pounds.

You won by a few seconds.

Drag race, you need to
learn to drive better.

'Cause if you tried to pit maneuver me,

I would have avoided it.

- [David] And in the Rockford,
after teaching you how

to do it, and you failed, I completely--

- [Mike] Wait, wait, wait
if I remember correctly,

Rockford, you hit a car.

I threaded the needle with a van.

- [David] Threaded the needle?

- [Mike] A Dodge Ram 250.

- Okay, we have to pick a winner,

because the winner gets to decide

what we're going to do tomorrow.

(scoffs)

I won.

- I win.

- No.

- [Mike] I win.

- Coin flip.

- Rock, paper, scissors.

- Rock, paper, scissors, ready?

- Rock, paper, scissors!

You lose.

- Oh, you pick.

- Suck it!

We're going off-roading.

- [David] Off-roading?

- Yes.

- [David] I'm down with that.

Right now, out of here.

(thuds)

(David laughs)

We packed up at El Toro, and the next day,

headed out to the Mojave Desert.

(fast rock music)

- So at El Toro, we had three challenges.

- And now we're here at the Mojave Desert,

because we're going to do one
of my favorite things ever,

which is trashing passenger
cars on dirt roads.

I'm going to challenge you
to actually not break the van

on the very first competition,

'cause I want to have some fun today.

- Aw, limitations.

- [David] Yup.

- I'll try, no guarantees, though.

(hard rock music)

- The first thing that we're
going to do is the Rallycross,

which is like an Autocross,
except for it's on dirt.

It's sort of a small road rally.

But we're going to change
it up a little bit,

'cause we're going to do it side by side.

Each of us wants to have the inside lane,

so we're the first one to
the first left hand turn.

And so to shoot it out on
who's going to get that,

we're going to have a head-to-head,

not a tug-o-war but a head-to-head.

- And I'm counting on the Ram

and all its might to put
the wagon in the dirt.

I don't mind losin' the head-to-head,

so I may just put it in reverse

and see if I can make him crash.

- While he's in the middle of stuffing

a tumbleweed in my car, I am figuring out

how to win this head-to-head thing.

And the thing to do is to
just stand on the brakes

and wait for him to
start spinning his tires.

And as soon as he does, his
van gets easier to push,

because it's breaking traction.

And so that's how I'm
going to win that deal

and get pole position.

(rock music)

- We're not tug-o-warring.

We're pushing.

- [David] And,

(Mike laughs)

(David screams)

- [Mike] You're losing.

(David laughs)

- Go Ram!

- [David] That's pretty funny.

(David laughs)

- [Mike] I'm going to push
you all the way to Mexico.

- My plan completely fell down

when we decided that we
were actually hit each other

at speed and keep going.

I had no opportunity
to step on the brakes.

And the van had the weight advantage.

I was history.

- I had no strategy for the push-o-war.

So I just floored it and hit him.

And all the weight of the van just pushed

that poor little wagon
across the finish line.

I kicked his ass.

- We couldn't afford orange cones.

But we did find pink strollers.

We're going to use them
to mark our course.

- I'm a little freaked
out that Freiburger used

baby strollers to set up the course.

I don't know what that says about him,

'cause I dropped out of psych class

after two weeks in college.

- I thought it was appropriate.

We're children.

It works.

This is pretty soft.

Do you think we might have an issue?

Not the first time.

- [Mike] I think getting
stuck just makes it more fun.

- Okay, can I take one of these home?

- [Mike] They're not
very sturdy strollers.

- I have a feeling that won't matter.

Not many strollers withstand
5,000 pounds of van.

(hard rock music)

(metal scrapes)

I meant to actually Google
the nearest hospital

before we got here.

Surprisingly, we have a signal
so I can probably do that.

- No, no, no, wait, if you
know where the hospital is

we'll need it.

- No, I'm thinkin' if--

- If you don't know
where it is, we're fine.

- Is that how it works?

- Yeah.

- I thought if we know where
it is, we don't need it.

- That's how I get through my whole life.

- All right, let's just race.

- [Mike] All right.

- My race strategy in the
Rallycross is simply to be faster.

And we already know that Buick

is physically faster than the van.

That thing is going to wallow.

I know how to drive on dirt.

He doesn't, so.

You know what though?

I just realized something.

It is so loose and silty out there.

He is going to be chasing
my dust the whole time.

Oh, he's screwed.

Okay, side by side to
standard bash and thrash?

- [Mike] Yeah, first one to the end wins.

- [David] Is there any penalty for running

over our baby carriages?

- Well, we're not doing this for time.

I don't know what kind of penalty

you could give other than--

- [David] That's true.

- Being shamed afterward.

- Yeah, but you're
shameless about cheating.

No cutting corners.

- The only corner I'm
going to be cutting off

is the front end of your car, dude.

Don't worry about it.

- Well, I know.

We should mark a no contact
rule until halfway down this.

- Oh, come on, you got
a horsepower advantage.

(David laughs)

Don't wuss out now.

Let's do this.

- [David] You call that horsepower?

Safety first, you know.

- [Mike] I hope the VCR and
television in this thing

doesn't hit me in the dome.

(David laughs)

- [Mike] Well, how you want to do it?

On the count of three or something?

- [David] Sure, except I
know you're leaving on two.

- [Mike] One, two, three!

(rock music)

- [David] Oh yeah!

(rock music)

(David laughs)

Cheater!

(plastic cracking)

I ended up nerfing him,

sending him off the track.

- [Mike] The van spins left and all I see

is a giant mound of dirt.

And I brace myself and said, "Oh crap!"

The van launches into the air
and bouncing a couple times.

I'm dazed.

The van's making weird noises.

My neck's killing me.

- [David] And I went and smashed
the strollers for the win.

(David laughs)

(crashes loudly)

- [David] Best day at work ever?

- Oh my God!

Boom, somethin' hits me.

It's him, jackass.

- Look at the distance.

Look where you landed
versus where you launched.

Check this out.

See, look, here's the landing point,

but I don't even see where you launched.

- I cleared the doubles, dude.

It's back there.

- Did you clear the doubles?

There's no way.

- [Mike] Yeah.

- No.

- [Mike] I'm tellin' you.

- [David] Where did it hit?

Oh, you're kiddin' me!

Look!

- Yeah, dude, I cleared the doubles.

- Look, you did!

You cleared the doubles with the van.

- [Mike] Yeah.

- Look, this is where the bumper caved in.

There's your tire marks.

You left ground here.

- Nothing in here.

- Nothing in here.

This is all good, happy critters, life.

- And then, look.

- And now look at this.

- It lands here and bounces.

- [David] Wow!

- [Mike] Look where it
landed the second time, dude.

- That is distance for a Dodge van.

And they ask why we're not
entertained by a Lamborghini.

- [Mike] Dude.

- [David] It's 'cause we're 14 years old.

(horn honks)

- Can't believe I lost that race.

Holy shit, I'm a little sore.

Still runs though.

Bad ass automobile, thank you, Dodge,

for building the Ram.

- If you thought that was good,

watch what we're going to do now.

(hard rock music)

- I feel a little sore,
but I'm ready to go.

The first turn of the Rallycross,

just to the inside of it, had a giant lip

that actually ended up being perfect

for launching these things
for the jump contest.

So what we did was we just
hauled ass down the straight,

cut the corner a little sharper

than we had in the
Rallycross, and just boom!

Oh, shit.

(van squeals loudly)

(Mike laughs)

Oh my neck!

And although it wasn't as big as when we

jumped the Bronco, a
couple of episodes back,

the bounce was just as hard.

My back is still sore.

Oh shit!

(van squeals loudly)

(Mike laughs)

- [David] This is the point
where judgement really

just went straight off the cliff,

'cause we bought that Buick
to take the chassis out

from under it, but at the same time,

it seemed like a really good idea.

(David laughs)

- [Mike] Do that again!

- [David] Was it quality?

- [Mike] It was good, but the back wheels

weren't off the ground.

You got to go bigger.

- [David] What?

- [Mike] Yeah, I bounced like six times.

- [David] Did you get back
wheels off the ground?

- [Mike] Oh, dude, I don't know,

but my spine's killing me.

- [David] Oh yeah.

- [Mike] Go again!

- [David] No, that hurt.

- [Mike] You were this close from having

the back wheels off the ground.

It was nice.

- [David] That hurt.

- Dude, the van killed it in the jump.

I don't even think the
wagon left the ground.

And the van probably got more air

at the beginning of the jump, the bounce

and the landing than the wagon did

the whole time it jumped in the air.

Even thought David's car
really didn't leave the ground,

you could see David in the car

damn near hit his head on the headliner.

So I know he was just as sore
as I was after that jump.

- In case you hadn't
figured it out by now,

this episode was for really

our entertainment and not yours.

And what really entertained
us, and I'm not sure why,

was to bring two dozen
watermelons out to the desert

with us and throw it in
the back of these vehicles

and just see if they
would smash each other

while we were thrashing down a dirt road.

(hard rock music)

- I don't know who came up with this idea,

but after we killed our
backs jumping these things,

we decided to go as fast as we could

down a rut filled road.

- If you really want to make
watermelon thing justifiable,

I'm going to call it science.

This is really about checking
the plush ride quality

on the van versus the wagon.

And the challenge was to
see which vehicle would

smash the fewest amount of watermelons.

So what we're doing now
is the scientifically

water smash, uh, never mind.

Ready?

- David went first and
the wagon actually looked

like it soaked up the bumps pretty good.

Although, you could see,
you could see watermelons

in the windows bouncing up and down,

which was pretty funny.

(rock music)

(car squeals)

- [David] I didn't break
a single watermelon.

It's genius!

Once again, proven, the
ultimate off-road vehicle.

- [Mike] And then when I went,

I'm surprised the van didn't crash,

because it was all kinds of sideways

and up in the air and just
watermelons flying everywhere.

It's remarkable they didn't break.

- [David] It turns out
watermelons don't come apart

when they're bouncing around

in the back of a van or a wagon.

- [Mike] I don't know who
won these competitions,

but this was more about
going out and having fun

in the desert, and once
again, I'll say it.

Best day at work ever.

- [David] By the end of the
day, it was 108 degrees,

and we were dying, but we had a blast.

- We really didn't destroy
either one of these cars,

other than the sheet metal.

So we're going to go home.

We still got two good
cars to use for parts.

- And if those weren't
parts cars at the beginning

of our competition, they sure were now.

- [Mike] I think I broke my spleen.

(Mike laughs)

(rock music)

(van squeals)