Riverdale (2016–…): Season 7, Episode 3 - Chapter One Hundred Twenty: Sex Education - full transcript

The year is 1955, and nothing like
this had ever happened in Riverdale.

One of our own, Ethel Muggs,
had stumbled into the sock hop,

covered in, we would soon
find out, her parents' blood.

Both were dead,
stabbed multiple times.

Oh...

What did Ethel say?

Did she see the killer?

Well, your friend's keeping mum,

but she claims

that the milkman
killed her parents.

Willie?



He's 70 years old.

He is.

Well, are you going to bring
him in for questioning?

It's late and Willie
could use his rest,

so we'll, uh... We'll
talk to him tomorrow

after he's done his
morning deliveries.

It's tragic, yes.

But why bring her here, Alice?

She has nowhere else to go, Hal.

Her parents are dead.

It's the least we can do
for her, don't you think?

Think how this
will affect Betty.

That's all I ever think about,

is the well-being
of this family.



Which is more than
I can say for you.

We're gonna make up my
sister's old room for you.

Here are some fresh towels.

If you need anything at any
point, just come find me.

Okay?

I don't know what else
they want me to say.

It's... It's almost like
they think that maybe I...

Ethel, is there
anyone who saw you

before you went
back to your house?

Anyone who could be an alibi?

No.

No, I was alone.

I'm so sorry that
this happened to you.

Please try to rest, okay?

We're here for you.

Whatever you need.

But Betty's entreaties did
little to comfort Ethel,

who didn't say another
word that night.

Which only added to the mystery.

Is Ethel hiding something?

And why did her milkman story
sound so familiar to me?

It is high time that you got
yourself a boyfriend, Cheryl.

Mother, I don't
have time for boys.

- I'm far too busy.
- Doing what?

- Painting naked ladies?
- Mother!

What nerve? That's
homework for art class!

You could help, you know?

Isn't there some nice, normal
boy you could introduce her to?

I'm just worried she's, uh...

developing unnatural
proclivities, shall we say?

What are you talking about, Mom?

Find your sister a suitable
match, immediately.

Do I make myself clear?

That was quite the
scene at the sock hop.

Do you know that poor girl?

Not really.

I mean, she's Ethel.
She kind of...

She kind of keeps to herself.

Well, not to pivot
gracelessly, but...

Listen, Archie, I'm really sorry
we got off on the wrong foot.

Could we maybe try again?

I... I really
appreciate the apology.

Look, the truth is, Veronica,

I just... I don't think
we're a good match.

I mean, you're too much of
a handful for a guy like me.

What happened to the
Muggs family is a tragedy.

It's all the children
are talking about.

The parents are calling.

Asking how we plan to
address this situation.

Well, I believe the most prudent
course of action is to simply carry on

with the week's
preapproved lesson plans.

Yes!

What's on the docket
this week, Ms. Bell?

Well, in fact, the
juniors are scheduled

to have their PTA-approved
sexual education lecture.

But we could postpone it.

On the contrary, I will
give the lecture myself.

Splendid idea, Dr. Werthers.

Business as usual.

That's the ticket.

Tough luck about Veronica, chum.

I guess it wasn't in
the cards for you two.

Yeah, I guess not.

It's probably for the best.

I mean, girls like
Veronica run hot and cold

and it takes a certain kind of
man to ride that roller-coaster.

- A man like you, I'm guessing?
- Pretty much.

But if you're hankering
for a steady girlfriend,

Cheryl's available.

Cheryl?

Thanks, but no thanks.

Why not?

You don't think my
sister is a honey?

No, I mean, come on,
Chery's gorgeous.

- But...
- But what?

Well, she's always seemed
a little standoffish to me.

I mean, I've never seen her with
a steady boyfriend or anything.

She's had boyfriends.
College guys, mostly.

You know what they say about
girls who like older men, right?

No, what...

What do they say?

They're a lot more...

open-minded than most
high school girls

if you catch my drift.

You take Cheryl out,

you're made in
the shade, daddio.

Something tells me she'd...

really go for a stud like you.

Think about it at least.

Hey, Blossom, wait up.

What is it, Serpentina?

I'm putting on a little performance
at the Dark Room tonight.

And I have a feeling it
might razz your berries.

Kindly mark me down as a
definitive, "No, thank you."

Ta-ta.

Think same old Topaz always going
after the straight-laced square girls.

You know there's no future
there for you, right?

I'm not so sure
about that, Lizzo.

What's your problem, Topaz?

Am I too much woman for you?

My problem with you

is that you're a high school
dropout and you're too territorial.

But I'll see you
at the Dark Room.

And what makes you
think I'm going?

Get over yourself, Lizzo.

I know you wouldn't miss it.

Kevin, you okay?

You seem a little froggy.

You know, jumpy, kind of
like you're avoiding someone.

No, uh... I just... I had too
much Highpoint this morning.

It's okay, Kevin.

What are you doing tonight?

Do you want to come to an
open mic at the Dark Room?

A bunch of us hepcats
are performing.

Um...

The Dark Room,

isn't that the beatnik hangout?

It's a coffeehouse, Kevin.

Do you have plans or not?

I was going to maybe see The
Seven Year Itch with Betty.

But she might like
going to the Dark Room.

She won't regret it.

And...

neither will you.

Cheryl, I've been
looking for you.

Cool painting.

Why, pray tell, have you
been searching for moi?

Um...

What are you... What
are you doing tonight?

I was wondering if you wanted to go see The
Seven Year Itch with me at the Babylonium?

I have already seen it and
found it egregiously overrated.

Oh, okay. Well...

However, there is an event
at the Dark Room tonight.

Some sort of poetry reading.

I wasn't going to attend in fear
of being slimed by a greaser.

But with the proper
escort, I might relent.

- Poetry reading?
- Hmm.

Well, I've actually just
started writing poetry myself.

How peachy keen for you.

Pick me up at 7:00?

Hey, doll face.

Wanna go to the
Babylonium tonight?

The Seven Year Itch is playing.

Drop dead, Julian.

You know, if you're still
pining after Andrews,

don't hold your breath.

Word on the street is
he's going to something

at the beatnik bar
tonight with Cheryl.

I want to go. To
the Dark Room.

I didn't know you were into
the whole beatnik scene.

Oh, I'm into a lot
of scenes, Julian.

Pick me up at 8:00.

Sorry to bother
you, there, Willie,

but we got to follow every
lead, even the crazy ones.

Let me walk you out.

Ethel...

What happened?

It wasn't the milkman.

Or at least not that milkman.

So it was another milkman?

Or someone dressed
like one, I don't know.

Jughead...

I'm really, really scared.

What if Sheriff Keller starts
to think that I did it?

Why would he do that?

You know those pretend
covers I'm always drawing?

Yeah. They're super boss.

Do you remember my
meat grinder cover?

Yeah?

Oh...

Oh, God, Ethel.

Ethel's drawing depicted a girl

who happened to look like Ethel,

shoving dismembered body parts

that happened to look like
they belong to her parents

into a meat grinder.

It was a goof, Jughead.

I was just mad at my parents for
not letting me go see The Tingler.

And now I'm afraid that
Sheriff Keller is gonna...

misinterpret it.

- Where's the drawing?
- In my hope chest.

I would get them myself,

but I just... I don't think I can
face going back into that house.

Not so soon.

Okay. It's fine.

I'm gonna get it.
I'm gonna go tonight.

Yeah.

Excuse me, young lady.

Where do you think you're going?

Kevin and I are going
to a poetry reading.

Not before you march
over to Ethel's house

and bring that girl back another
change of clothes or two.

Chop-chop.

Oh, thank God.

The cops!

Here is why Ethel's milkman
story sounded so familiar.

It reminded me of a comic
book Pep had published.

One of their most
infamous issues,

about a lunatic who escapes
from an insane asylum,

dresses up as the town milkman

and starts murdering people.

Ethel and I had both read it.

Then again, everyone had.

I'm sure it was a
coincidence. It had to be.

But it wouldn't
look good for Ethel

to be caught with
it, no matter what.

And to the republic
that falls short.

One nation under
siege, indefensible.

With liberty and
justice for none.

All are beat. All are beat.

Gratitude.

Keen, but what does it mean?

It's art, Betty. It doesn't
need to mean anything.

I mean, it didn't
even rhyme, really.

- Poetry doesn't have to rhyme.
- Here.

This might help make the
evening more tolerable.

Immortal Aphrodite

on your shimmering throne.

Daughter of Zeus,
weaver of wiles,

I pray thee.

Crush not my spirit nor my soul

with anguish and distress.

Oh, queen.

Come release me
from cruel cares.

Let my heart accomplish
all that it desires.

Mine, as I am yours.

Take me.

Take me.

Take me.

Take me.

I want to leave.

- What?
- Take me home, now.

Well, good night, Cheryl.

I had a real nice time.

I wasn't expecting that.

Walk me to school tomorrow.

Yeah, sure.

Okay.

It's a date.

Toodles.

Toodles.

Oh, my golly.

Who knew the Dark Room
was gonna be such a gas?

Isn't Clay just an
astonishing writer?

I can't stop thinking
about his poem.

I'm still reeling from
Toni's dance poem.

It was pretty sexy,
don't you think?

I suppose.

You suppose?

Kevin, it was jaw-dropping.

As I'm sure you're aware,

based on your eager,

sweaty faces,

today's lesson will be focusing
on the fundamentals of...

sexual reproduction.

Your bodies are
changing right now.

It can be a confusing time.

You have many
questions, no doubt.

But first, first,

let's begin with a
very useful diagram.

Much can be gleaned from
the typical American flower,

whose sole function,
with its colorful petals

and its pleasing contour, is
pollination or reproduction.

I'm so confused.

What do flowers and
bees have to do with us?

Nothing. I don't know what
that speech was about.

But recently I got my hands on a copy
of Kingsley's Guide to Human Sexuality.

That's got the real skinny.

This is ridiculous.

If you fuddy duddies truly
want to learn about S-E-X,

we have to stop talking
about it and start doing it.

I'm going to host a make-out
party and you're all coming.

Thanks, but no thanks.

I'm a germaphobe.

Is that like an orgy?

No, it's kissing games.

Spin the Bottle, Post Office,
Seven Minutes in Heaven, Pony Ride.

And trust me,

nothing is ever gonna
be the same again.

In that moment,
before our very eyes,

Veronica Lodge became a
Georgia O'Keeffe lotus

and Archie Andrews
a hapless bumblebee.

Gosh, a real-life
make-out party.

I'll have to check my book to see
what Dr. Kingsley says about them.

Between you and me, it
all boils down to this.

Boys think they're in charge,

but it's all about our
pleasure, not theirs.

Well, right now, I don't think either me
or Kevin are experiencing much pleasure.

Hmm.

The more direct you can be
with your beau, the better.

I botched it playing
coy with Archie.

But I'll make my desires crystal
clear to him at the party.

Hey, Blossom.

You didn't stick around after
my performance last night.

Did you dig it?

It was a little... avant-garde
for my sensibilities.

Archie thought the same.

You have heard we're going
steady, have you not?

Yeah. We've all seen
you parade him around

like he's some
kind of prize stud.

You know, you don't have to
go to some make-out party

to pretend to be
somebody you're not.

Why exactly does everyone
presume to know my personal life?

You're worse than my hobgoblin
mother, and that's saying a lot.

Kev, can we talk for a sec?

It's about the make-out party.

Yeah. Yeah. I was thinking,
why don't we ditch that?

No. We're going.

It's happening tonight,
Kevin, you and me.

Because you say that you love me

and now it's time
that you proved it.

We'll cut right to
the chase, Jughead.

Did you break into Ethel
Muggs' house yesterday?

Uh, I'm pretty sure
that I was just at home

writing and eating hamburgers.

Because there's a neighbor there

that reported someone
matching your description.

Teenager wearing a
crown exiting a window.

Well, that wasn't me.

- Hmm.
- You are a...

Well, you're a bit
of an odd duck,

aren't you, Mr. Jones?

A loner.

Like Miss Muggs.

Is she your girlfriend?

She's just a friend.

Are you protecting her now?

Maybe you helped her
do something bad and...

now you have to
protect yourself, too.

I wasn't at Ethel
Muggs' house last night,

and I'm not her boyfriend

or an odd duck loner,
whatever that means.

In fact, I'm going
to a party tonight.

With all the cool kids.

- Really?
- And... And for the record,

the Ethel that I know
would not kill her parents.

You're barking up
the wrong tree.

Now can I go, please?

Yeah.

You're free to go.

Oh, enjoy your party tonight.

Oh, uh, hey, Clay. Um...

Thought I missed the
locker-room rush.

What can I say?

I love a long, lingering shower.

Um... Are you going to
that make-out party?

I don't think so.

Why not?

Because...

I like boys, Kevin.

And I don't think it's
that kind of party.

Uh, that... That makes sense.

Obviously, most people
don't know that about me.

I hope I can trust
you to be discreet.

Of course, Clay.

Uh, I gotta go. Um...

- Gotta get ready.
- All right.

- Hey, Betty.
- Hmm?

You know that, um...

sex book you mentioned?

I was wondering if I
could have a little read.

Um...

Just so I can brush up
before the make-out party.

Of course.

What do you think
of Dr. Kingsley?

I mean, I think...
I think I get it.

I just...

But how does it all start?

That's the easy part.

Okay, so say you're
sitting side-by-side

next to Cheryl like this.

Maybe some music starts playing.

Now you might want to
say something like...

"Cheryl, would you like to
get a bit more comfortable?"

Say, would you like to get
a bit more comfortable?

Why, yes, I would.

Then...

she might...

do this.

Oh.

And then what?

And then...

Oh!

- I'm sorry, Betty.
- What? No. It's okay.

I'm sorry.

Now, before we break off

and retreat into the Pembrooke's
various dark corners,

I thought we could warm up

with a perfectly innocent
round of Post Office.

Now, boys, each of you
is holding an envelope

containing a number which
corresponds to one of us girls.

You must deliver your
envelope to that girl

along with a kiss.

Fangs, would you like
to get us started?

- Reveal your number and
the girl you'll be kissing.

Okay.

Number two.

That's me.

I bet you've never
kissed a greaser before.

I don't even eat French fries.

But rules are rules.

Forgive me, Midge.

Don't worry, square.

I brushed my teeth
earlier this week.

- Ugh!
- Oh!

Whoa! Was that cheating?

It's skirting the edge,

but hopefully Kevin will
give us what we all want.

Which is a real kiss.

Kevin?

Uh, number three.

I'm three.

Hold your head still.

All right, let's just
get this over with.

One.

That's me.

This oughta be good.

Nice to meet you, by the way.

Pleased to make
your acquaintance.

Thank you.

Five.

Wow. That's me.

How did that happen?

Excuse me, brother.

I guess this is what's known
as a date with destiny.

She's gonna suffocate him.

But what a way to go.

I think I got your gum.

You can keep it.

It's Triple Bubble.

Guess that leaves
me and the Wild One.

Luckily, I've had all my shots.

Yeah. That's not
a kiss, preppie.

This is a kiss.

Okay.

Now that all of our lips are
appropriately lubricated,

we pair off.

I, for instance, might
sneak off with...

Come along, Archie.

Let's find a private space
away from prying eyes.

What do you say?

Shall we go to your room?

Actually...

You.

Me?

You just hit the jackpot,
Holden Caulfield.

I guess that leaves
the two of you.

We could finish
what you started.

In your dreams, prepster.

I will, however, let
you drive me home

in that sweet ride of yours.

Don't, Hal.

I've already called
Social Services

and she's going back
to school tomorrow.

Thank you, Alice.

Of course, dear.

Look, I don't know what it is
that you plan on doing to me,

but I should
probably let you know

the only reason I'm here

is because I don't want people
thinking I'm a miscreant

that helped Ethel
murder her parents.

Funny.

Sounds exactly like something
a miscreant murderer would say.

Relax.

I just needed a warm body to help
me get away from Julian Blossom.

That guy's an octopus.

Well, glad I could help.

By the way, what was with that
Holden Caulfield reference?

Well, isn't that your thing?

"Everybody's phony except me."

No, I just meant that not
everyone in Riverdale goes around

name dropping
literary anti-heroes.

People do read in Los
Angeles, you know.

So what's your dealio?

If you're not dating Ethel
Muggs, then who are you dating?

Uh...

Who has time for dating?

What with all these comics
to read and burgers to eat

and monster movies to watch?

I like monster movies.

The scarier the better.

Mm.

I'll tell you my favorite
if you tell me yours.

Ladies first.

Creature from the Black Lagoon.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- That's actually my favorite, too. I love it.
- Really?

You know, you kind of remind me of
the girl in the white bathing suit.

- Julie Adams? I get that a lot.
- Mm-hmm.

You're not excited.

Of course I am.

No, you're not, Kev.

I can tell that
you're not excited.

You're not... aroused.

Maybe if we just... If we
just keep kissing, you know?

You can move your right hand
a little higher if you want.

Oh, not that high, Archie.

As my nana likes to say,

"Let's leave room
for the Holy Spirit."

Okay?

- Archie, your right hand again.
- Oh.

I'm sorry if I'm
screwing this up.

I just... I'm excited.

And a little nervous
maybe because...

you're so experienced.

You know, you're used to
going out with college guys.

Who told you that?

Julian.

Why were you and Julian
talking about me?

Well,

I mean, he suggested
that I ask you out.

Yeah, he said we
might hit it off.

Archie, I'm going to
be honest with you.

I've never been
with a college guy.

I've actually never
really been with any guy.

But...

I'm quite certain we
can figure it out.

Together.

Definitely.

Dear Diary.

The make-out party was
unsurprisingly a disaster.

I want Kevin to want me.

I want to feel desired.

I want to feel sexy.

I want...

I'm not sure how much more of this
I can take before I explode, Diary.

Something has to change.

And soon.

My dear boy,

any updates on our
little project?

We're made in the shade, Mother.

Got Cheryl together with Archie

and I'm fairly certain
they're going steady now.

Very good, Julian.

Well done.

Good morning, Mother.

- Julian.
- Cheryl Marjorie Blossom.

What is that lesion
on your neck?

It's a hickey, Mother.

And I suppose you both should
know Archie pinned me last night.

And I mean, really pinned me.

As in, all the way pinned me.

Barf.

That must be Archie.

He's driving me to school.

I'd say he's a true
gentleman, but...

the truth is, Archie
is a total animal.

Toodles.

Kevin, I have something for you.

What is it?

Kingsley's Guide
to Human Sexuality.

Betty, we're at school.

You need to read it.

Think of this as your own
personal sex education, Kevin.

Finals are coming up and
it's time to start cramming.

Betty. Betty!

Hey.

I just wanted to say
fun party last night.

Sorry I had to cut out early.

But, you know, I'm
playing the long game.

Really, with who?

I'd rather not say... yet.

But how did it go
with Bazooka Jones?

Well, if you really must know,

Jughead and I spent the
entire night together.

Talking.

Holy hell.

Are you making a play for
that crown-wearing clown?

Let's just say I'm
not ruling it out.

- Oh, my God.
- It's her.

- There she is.
- -The girl who killed her parents.

What is she doing here?

Everyone's looking at
me like I'm a murderer.

Hey, this is all
going to blow over.

As soon as the actual
killer is caught, okay?

Right now, just take
it nice and slow.

Attention, students.

Will Ethel Muggs
and Jughead Jones

please come to the
principal's office?

Ethel Muggs and Jughead Jones,

please report to the
principal's office.

Let me guess.

You'd like to know who was
canoodling at the make-out party?

We searched your
train car, Jughead,

right after you left
for school this morning.

- Wha... Why?
- In any case,

we found some pretty damning evidence
stuffed underneath your mattress.

Care to explain, Miss Muggs?

Mr. Jones?