Riverdale (2016–…): Season 4, Episode 17 - Chapter Seventy-Four: Wicked Little Town - full transcript

It was over,

the evils of Stonewall Prep
had been vanquished,

and life in Riverdale

more or less picked up
where it had left off.

But at its heart, Riverdale was and is,
"A wicked little town."

So no one was surprised

when a third round
of sinister video tapes

was delivered
to our doorsteps.

♪ You know the sun
is in your eyes ♪

♪ And hurricanes and rains ♪

♪ And black and cloudy skies ♪



♪ You're running up
and down that hill ♪

♪ You turn it on
and off at will ♪

♪ There's nothing here
to thrill or bring you down ♪

♪ And if you've got
no other choice ♪

♪ You know you can
follow my voice ♪

♪ Through the dark turns and
noise of this Wicked little town ♪

♪ The fates are vicious
and they're cruel ♪

♪ You learn too late
You've used two wishes Like a fool ♪

♪ The pious, hateful
and devout ♪

♪ You're turning tricks
'til you're turned out ♪

♪ The wind so cold, it burns,
you're burning out, Blowing round ♪

♪ And then you're someone
you are not ♪

♪ And Riverdale,
it ain't the spot ♪

♪ Remember Mrs. Lot
and when she turned around ♪



♪ And if you've got
no other choice ♪

♪ You know you can
follow my voice ♪

♪ Through the dark turns and
noise of this Wicked little town ♪

No one slept that night,

as they waited
for a new day to dawn.

Daddy.

You've a doctor's appointment,
don't you?

Which I'll go to,
as soon as I finish my coffee.

Little help.

Little help.

- Holy crap, Mr. Lodge.
- Thanks, Archie.

Maybe you should ease up.

You know,
considering your condition.

The hell you talking about?

Veronica told me,
that you're... sick.

Well, clearly my daughter's
confused 'cause I'm perfectly healthy.

But if she's concerned
for some unfounded reason,

then you'll agree that
she doesn't need to know about this.

Mr. Lodge, look if you need
help... - What I need is privacy.

This is not your business,
nor hers, frankly.

Do we understand
each other, Archie?

Yes, sir, we do.

Take the plate off.

So, I talked to all your teachers
and we figured out a way

for you to catch up
on all of your classes.

Phew! That's not
daunting at all.

- There's an index.
- Mmm-hmm, and it's color coded.

Red is for American history.

You missed the mid-term,
so you can catch up by writing an essay

on either the Trail of Tears
or the Salem witch trials.

- Salem witch trails, definitely.
- Mmm-hmm.

Blue, English.
You can choose amongst,

The Pearl,
The Old Man and the Sea,

and London's The Call of the Wild,
for your book report.

- What,
you've already read all three of them.

No, I know, it's just,
writing a book report,

now I know,
how Sisyphus must have felt.

Given how far behind I am
on literally every topic,

is it even worth trying
to catch up at this point?

Look. I know this is a lot.

It's a lot of work,
but it's only for a couple of months.

Just to make sure
that you graduate. With me.

What is more important
than that?

Jughead. What a surprise.
What do you need?

Something to stimulate my brain
as I plow through

this pile of work
that Betty's lined up for me.

I was thinking in between
writing these mind-numbing essays

I could help you
review the latest round

of videotapes from
our mysterious voyeur.

Absolutely, I could use some
help scrubbing through the footage.

The voyeur's stepping up
his or her game.

Coming to more and more houses.

I don't ever want
to see what would

happen if he found
his way inside a house.

Thank you. Oh. Uh...

One more thing, if you could
keep my moon-lighting on the DL.

You mean from Betty?

How about this? I
won't bring it up to her,

unless she asks me directly.

Thank you.

Here you go, Principal Honey, another
list of sign-ups for the variety show.

Mmm. Well, I've reviewed
the acts submitted so far.

They mostly seem fine.

With one exception.
Yours.

I'm sorry, but you won't be
allowed to do a number

Hedwig and the Angry Inch.
That show is...

It's not appropriate
for students and families.

It was on Broadway.

- There's a movie version of it.
- An R-rated movie version.

Look, why don't you do a number
from a classical musical

like Cocoon... or a
Carousel.

Instead of some niche-downtown
cabaret show

that would be more appropriate
for pre-Nazi Berlin.

Is not a niche show.

It celebrates
identities, genders,

expressions of all kinds and it
speaks to my entire generation.

We are relentlessly slammed
with crisis after crisis.

And we talk it,
and we're numb. Yes.

But also screaming
on the inside.

Please just...
Just listen to us.

We're people, not numbers.

We're Generation Z.

♪ All our feelings
And thoughts ♪

♪ Expressed in ones
And in oughts ♪

♪ In endless spiraling chains ♪

♪ You can't decode or explain ♪

♪ 'Cause you are so analog ♪

♪ God dog I eye I God dog ♪

♪ We're the random number ♪

♪ Generation we are ♪

♪ Random number
Generated we are ♪

♪ Random numbers ♪

♪ In the regime
Of the solid state ♪

♪ Wheels spin as you iterate ♪

K is X squared minus one ♪

♪ But .54321 ♪

When X is taken times two ♪

♪ That's when
We're coming for you ♪

♪ We're the random number ♪

♪ Generation we are ♪

♪ Random number
Generated we are ♪

♪ Hey here we are ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ We're the random number ♪

♪ Generation we are ♪

♪ Random number
Generated we are ♪

♪ Random number ♪

- Hedwig is the perfect fit for...
- Mr. Keller,

you can either pick
a different song,

or recuse yourself
from the variety show

and all your attendant duties.
Effective immediately.

*RIVERDALE *
Season 04 Episode 17

Title: "Chapter Seventy-Four:
Wicked Little Town"

Aired on: April 15, 2020

Damn it.

Late breaking news,
I am now singing

Oh, What a Beautiful Morning,
Oklahoma! for the variety show.

What happened to
Hedwig?

Honey nixed it.

Said it was too controversial.

Kevin. If you want to do
Hedwig,

you should do.

Hedwig.

He'd yank me off stage
before the first note.

Hell, I don't even think you
should wait for the variety show.

I think you should go rogue.

Go rogue, in what way?

Okay.

So, you know
I support you.

And, I think you're
an amazing writer, Jug,

but this feels
a little...

phoned in.
I mean there's typos

and incomplete sentences and
I'm not even sure what the thesis is.

Yeah. Okay.

Maybe, I'll go offline.

Hole myself up in the bunker
after school and really focus on it.

Play Thomas Pynchon
for a while.

Oh, he comes bearing gifts.

And some news.

I know this seems a little last minute,
but, uh...

I signed us up
for the variety show.

- To perform as a band.
- Well, obviously, I'm completely in.

You know I support you kids
in your rock-and-roll,

but I really have to finish
these essays,

or else my girlfriend over there
is gonna lock me in the stocks.

It's true, Jug has a lot
of work to do.

But I think, you can take
a little time out, for this.

I mean, look,
it's senior year,

we promised we were gonna start
taking advantage of that.

Agreed.

- Does this band have a name?
- Mmm.

Uh, it's The Archies.

What, was
the Me-Me-Me's taken?

- We can change the name.
- No. The Archies.

I like it.

What's up,
Riverdale?

Are you trying
to tear me down?

That's, wait. That's not...

Well, sorry, I'm the new
Berlin Wall, baby.

Now, get your asses
to the music room.

♪ I was born
On the other side ♪

♪ Of a town ripped in two ♪

♪ I made it over
The great divide ♪

♪ Now I'm coming for you ♪

♪ Enemies and adversaries ♪

♪ They try and tear me down ♪

♪ You want me baby
I dare you ♪

♪ Try and tear me down ♪

♪ There ain't much
Of a difference ♪

♪ Between a bridge and a wall ♪

♪ Without me right
In the middle, babe ♪

♪ Whoa, you would be
Nothing at all ♪

♪ Enemies and adversaries ♪

♪ They try to tear me down ♪

♪ You want me, baby
I dare you ♪

♪ Try and tear me down ♪

♪ From East Berlin
To Junction City ♪

Hello, Mr. Honey.
Hello, Riverdale.

You wanna try
and tear me down?

You're done, Mr. Keller,
you're off the variety show.

♪ Come on and tear ♪

♪ Come on and tear me ♪

♪ Down ♪

I said, "you're done."
You hear me?

You're done!

Okay, I'm gonna try it.

- Whoa.
- Okay.

Can we please order
pizza from

- Little Cicero's?
- Ugh!

Guys, it is not a sleepover
without greasy pizza, right, Kev?

Kev?

Sorry, it's just...

Working on the variety show
made me feel like,

I was reconnecting
with the old, pre-farm Kevin.

Mr. Honey didn't just take that away,
he made me feel like I was nothing.

Like I didn't matter.

You know something
that makes me feel better?

♪ On nights ♪

♪ Like this ♪

♪ When the world's
A bit amiss ♪

♪ And the lights go down ♪

♪ Across the trailer park ♪

♪ I put on some make-up ♪

♪ Turn on the tape deck ♪

♪ And put the wig
Back on my head ♪

Oh.

♪ Suddenly I'm Miss Midwest
Midnight checkout queen ♪

♪ Until I head home ♪

♪ And I put myself to bed ♪

I hear
what you're saying, Betty,

but I'm not sure even
a makeover montage will help.

♪ I look back on
Where I'm from ♪

♪ Look at the woman
I've become ♪

♪ And the strangest thing's ♪

♪ Suddenly routine ♪

♪ I look up from my Vermouth
On the rocks ♪

♪ The gift wrapped wig
Still in the box ♪

♪ Of towering velveteen ♪

♪ I put on some make-up ♪

♪ Some LaVern Baker ♪

♪ And pull the wig down
From the shelf ♪

♪ Suddenly I'm Miss Beehive 1963 ♪

♪ Until I wake up ♪

♪ And I turn back to myself ♪

♪ Some girls
They have natural ease ♪

♪ They wear it any way
They please ♪

♪ With their French flip curls
And perfumed magazines ♪

♪ Wear it up, let it down ♪

♪ This is the best way
That I've found ♪

♪ To be the best
You've ever seen ♪

♪ I put on some make-up ♪

♪ Turn on the eight-track ♪

♪ I'm pulling the wig down
From the shelf ♪

♪ Suddenly I'm
Miss Farrah Fawcett from TV ♪

♪ Until I wake up ♪

♪ And I turn back to myself ♪

♪ Shag, bi-level Bob
Dorothy Hamill do ♪

♪ Sausage curl, chicken wings
It's all because of you ♪

♪ It's all because of you
It's all because of you ♪

Oh, my...

- Hey, Kev?
- Yeah.

What if for the variety show,

we all performed songs
Hedwig.

Yeah. As a sign of solidarity.

And as President
of the Student Body

and Riverdale High's
LGBTQIA Alliance,

I promise you, I will sit down with
Principal Humbug and make this right.

On behalf of Kevin Keller
and the entire Student Body

we urge you to hear our plea.

Hedwig is not some fringe,
down-beat musical.

It's fun. It's an old-fashioned,
red-blooded,

American musical comedy
with something for everyone.

Including those of us,
who are more... straight-laced.

Allow us to demonstrate.

♪ I've got a sweet tooth ♪

♪ For licorice drops
And jelly roll ♪

♪ Hey, sugar daddy ♪

♪ Cheryl needs some sugar
In her bowl ♪

♪ I'll lay out fine china
On the linen

♪ Polish up the chrome ♪

♪ If you've got
Some sugar for me ♪

♪ Sugar daddy bring it home ♪

♪ Black strap molasses ♪

♪ You're my cherry blossom
Honey bear ♪

♪ Sugar daddy, sugar daddy ♪

♪ Bring me
Versace blue jeans ♪

♪ Black designer underwear ♪

♪ Sugar daddy, sugar daddy ♪

♪ We'll dress up like The
disco-dancing jet set In Milan and Rome ♪

♪ If you got some
Sugar for me ♪

♪ Sugar daddy, bring it home ♪

That's enough, Ms. Blossom.

♪ Oh, the thrill of control ♪

♪ Like the Blitzkrieg
On the roll ♪

♪ It's the sweetest taste
I've known, oh yeah ♪

♪ So if you've got some sugar
Bring it home, oh yeah ♪

♪ Come on, sugar daddy
Bring it home ♪

What? No applause?

You just proved my point.

Did you listen
to the lyrics you just sang?

Hedwig and The Angry Inch
is highly sexualized.

How queer-phobic of you.

And if every student of Riverdale
High changed their variety show act

Hedwig,
what would you do then?

Hmm. Well, Ms. Topaz,

I would make the following
announcement,

"Any student who performs
will be barred from Senior Prom."

Now...

As you like to say,
Ms. Blossom...

Toodles.

So what
happened exactly?

Daddy is downplaying it.

He says he missed a step
and stumbled.

But, it's still scary
and confusing.

He's been going to the doctor,
he just told us.

He was getting better.

Ronnie, I don't
want you to worry.

But your dad's been
working out at the gym.

Okay.

He was bench pressing
and the bar slipped.

Luckily, I was there
to catch it, but...

I don't think, he's been going to
the doctor as regularly as he says.

And,

you haven't told me
this before, why?

Well, he said it was nothing,
and when

Iron Lodge asks you
to shut your mouth

and mind your own business,
you mind your own business.

No, no, you drag him
to the car,

and you drive him
to the doctor yourself.

- That wasn't an option, Ronnie.
- So, you do nothing instead?

This is my life, Archie,
my father's life.

How could you be
so short-sighted?

Jughead!

I came to surprise you,
with a study break.

Tell me, this is not
what it looks like.

It's not.

Oh, so you're not lying to me,
about doing your homework.

While you try to crack
some new unsolvable mystery.

- I'm doing both.
- I went to the mat for you.

With Mr. Honey and
with all of your teachers.

I didn't ask you to do that.

I'm trying to make sure
that you graduate, Jug.

I'm trying to make sure that we
stay together, that we have a future.

I'm sorry,
in what future are we not together?

I'm going to New Haven in a few months,
Jug, that is happening.

- Where are you going to be?
- I thought I'd be your dorm husband,

just eating pizza while
you studied Criminal Psych.

Yeah, well, I would rather that
than this dead-end Jughead.

Oh, the Jughead
that was brained with a rock?

I'm sorry I'm different now,
I guess death just changes a person.

♪ Inside I'm hollowed out Outside's a
paper shroud And all the rest's illusion ♪

♪ That there's a will and soul That we can
wrest control From chaos and confusion ♪

♪ A collage
I'm all sewn up ♪

♪ A montage
I'm all sewn up ♪

How do you think I feel?

♪ A random pattern
With a needle and thread ♪

♪ The overlapping way
Diseases are spread ♪

♪ To a tornado body
With a hand grenade head ♪

♪ And the legs
Are two lovers entwined ♪

- I was trying to do the right thing.
- You weren't thinking, Archie.

Give me a break, Veronica.
It's been a crappy year.

♪ Oh, God, I'm all sewn up A hardened
razor-cut Scar-map across my body ♪

♪ And you can trace the lines Through
misery's design That map across my body ♪

♪ A collage
I'm all sewn up ♪

♪ A montage
I'm all sewn up ♪

♪ The automatist's undoin' ♪

♪ The whole world
Starts unscrewin' ♪

♪ As time collapses
And space warps, oh ♪

♪ You see decay and ruin ♪

♪ I tell you, no, no, no, no ♪

♪ You make such
An exquisite corpse ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ A collage
I'm all sewn up ♪

♪ A montage
I'm all sewn up ♪

♪ I'm all sewn up ♪

♪ I'm all sewn up ♪

Principal Honey,
I need to alert you

to a situation that's
taking place in the hallway.

And the games begin.

Consider this
a peaceful protest, Mr. Honey.

Though I will weaponize
these babies if I have to.

Clearly, you are all...

very passionate about
what you're feeling.

But hotheads lead
to unpredictability and anger.

Violence.

So, I'm afraid...

the most prudent action to take
at this moment is to...

cancel the variety show.

Hi, sorry, I'm late.

Betty, I forgot to text you
guys that rehearsal's cancelled.

Oh...

I kinda screwed up
with Veronica.

Well, Jughead and I just got in a fight,
too, actually. so...

Damn it, I'm sorry.

This is not what I wanted
this week to be.

I wanted us to have fun.

When was the last time
that happened?

That time
we ordered sea monkeys,

from the back of the coven book
was fun.

- Yeah, we peaked in the first grade.
- Yeah.

When I saw that sign-up sheet,

I flashback to sophomore year.

I was on the stage,
freezing up from stage fright,

until I saw my dad.

And suddenly,
I could just... play.

He gave me
the biggest hug afterwards.

He was so proud of you.

He was always so happy
whenever you played.

Look, just because Veronica
and Jughead aren't here,

doesn't mean
we can't rehearse.

All right.

♪ When the Earth
Was still flat ♪

♪ And clouds made of fire ♪

♪ And mountains
Stretched up to the sky ♪

♪ Sometimes higher ♪

♪ Folks roamed the Earth
Like big rolling kegs ♪

♪ They had two sets of arms
They had two sets of legs ♪

♪ They had two faces peering
Out of one giant head ♪

♪ So they could watch
All around them ♪

♪ As they talked
While they read ♪

And they never
Knew nothing of love ♪

♪ It was before ♪

♪ Mmm ♪

♪ The origin of love ♪

♪ The origin of love ♪

♪ The origin of love ♪

♪ The origin of love ♪

♪ Last time I saw you ♪

♪ We just split in two ♪

♪ You were looking at me
I was looking at you ♪

♪ You had a way so familiar ♪

♪ I could not recognize 'Cause
you had blood On your face ♪

♪ And I had blood
In my eyes ♪

♪ And the children of the moon
Look like a fork Stuck on a spoon ♪

♪ They were part sun Part earth,
part daughter Part son ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ The origin of love ♪

♪ Now the Gods grew
Quite scared ♪

♪ Of our strength
and defiance ♪

♪ And Thor said I'm gonna
kill them all with my hammer ♪

♪ Like I killed the giants ♪

♪ And then he grabbed up
Some bolts ♪

♪ He let out a laugh Said I'll
split them Right down the middle ♪

♪ Gonna cut them
Right up in half ♪

♪ And the storm clouds
Gathered above ♪

♪ Into great balls of fire ♪

♪ And then fire shot down
From the sky in bolts ♪

♪ Like shining blades
Of a knife ♪

♪ And it ripped
Right through the flesh ♪

♪ Of the children of the Sun
And the Moon and the Earth ♪

♪ And Osiris
And the gods of the Nile ♪

♪ Gathered up a big storm ♪

♪ To blow a hurricane ♪

♪ To scatter us away ♪

♪ In a flood of wind and rain ♪

♪ A sea of tidal waves ♪

♪ To wash us all away ♪

♪ And if we don't behave ♪

♪ They'll cut us down again ♪

Hi.

One fully researched,

thoroughly proofed, MLA formatted
essay on the Salem witch trials.

I don't know what to say.

You don't have to
say anything.

I do.

I'm sorry.

Jug.

It's okay.

No, it's not.

I shouldn't have been as ticked
off as I was that you had faith in me.

- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

Okay.

I really need to finish
Call of the Wild.

But you can distract me
any time you want.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Penny for your thoughts,
handsome.

Hi.

I wanted to
give you this, Archie.

It was too short-notice
to get cupcakes from Magnolia,

so these are from Pop's,

but... you deserve an official
"Veronica Lodge I'm Sorry."

- You're sorry.
- I am.

I was... scared.

And lashing out,
but at the wrong person.

The truth is, you didn't need to
come clean to me but you did.

And thanks to that
I got a doctor who said

it was lucky he saw Daddy
when he did.

Because it could have been
much worse than a fall.

So, thank you.

- Archiekins.
- Veronica, I...

So, more good news, though Honey
cancelled the variety show at school,

Kevin called me
with an amazing idea.

To host it at La Bonne Nuit.

So, me, you,
Betty and Jughead

we'll all get to perform
together after all.

- Isn't that amazing?
- That's awesome.

"The show must go on,"
as they say.

Even in our wicked,
little town.

♪ Forgive me
for I did not know ♪

♪ 'Cause I was just a boy ♪

♪ And you were so much more ♪

♪ And when everything
Starts breaking down ♪

♪ You take the pieces
Off the ground ♪

♪ And show this wicked town ♪

♪ Something beautiful and new ♪

♪ And there's
No mystical design ♪

♪ No cosmic lover preassigned ♪

♪ There's nothing
You can find ♪

♪ That cannot be found ♪

♪ 'Cause, with all the changes
We've been through ♪

♪ It seems the stranger's
Always you ♪

♪ Alone again in some new
Wicked little town ♪

♪ When you've got
No other choice ♪

♪ You know you can
follow my voice ♪

♪ Through the dark turns
and noise ♪

♪ Of this wicked little town ♪

♪ Oh, it's a wicked ♪

♪ Little town ♪

♪ Goodbye wicked ♪

♪ Little town ♪

Ladies and gentlemen,
for our final performance of the evening.

I am beyond honored
to introduce,

for the first time ever,
The Archies.

♪ Rain falls hard ♪

♪ Burns dry ♪

♪ A dream or a song ♪

♪ That hits you so hard ♪

♪ It's filling you up ♪

♪ And suddenly you're gone ♪

♪ Breathe, feel, love ♪

♪ Give free ♪

♪ Know in your soul ♪

♪ Like your blood
Knows the way ♪

♪ From your heart
To your brain ♪

♪ Know that you're whole ♪

♪ And you're shining ♪

♪ Like the brightest star ♪

♪ A transmission ♪

♪ On the midnight radio ♪

♪ Here's to Ronnie ♪

♪ And Archie ♪

♪ And Betty ♪

♪ And Jughead ♪

♪ And Choni ♪

♪ And Reggie ♪

♪ And me ♪

♪ And all the strange
Rock and rollers ♪

♪ You know
You're doing all right ♪

♪ So hold on to each other ♪

♪ You gotta hold on tonight ♪

♪ And you're shining
like the brightest star ♪

♪ A transmission
On the midnight radio ♪

♪ And you're spinning
Your new 45s ♪

♪ With all the misfits
And the losers ♪

Well, you know
You're rock and rollers ♪

♪ Spinning to ♪

♪ Your rock and roll ♪

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

♪ Lift up your hands... ♪

There's a problem that comes once
you get caught up on your homework.

Your mind wanders,
and evil creeps back in.

Was the voyeur somewhere
amongst us in the crowd,

playing his long game?

Turning the temperature up?

Ever so slowly?

So, that by the time
we frogs realized

we were being boiled alive,
it was too late.

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

♪ Lift up your hands ♪