Riverdale (2016–…): Season 2, Episode 20 - Chapter Thirty-Three: Shadow of a Doubt - full transcript

Previously on Riverdale...

We will not rest
until those responsible

for the murder of our sister
is rightly punished.

Fangs...

Mrs. Klump, the Sheriff's department
is working around the clock...

You were supposed to
be protecting our children.

- What's all this?
- It's ransom money.

Not for Archie, I got him back.

This is from when I turned the tables on
Nick, and held him for ransom instead.

I still haven't made
my bones with you.

There's only one man I'm interested
in bringing down, the Black Hood.



And whatever I can do to help you
on your quest, you can count on me.

This is the Black Hood speaking.

I got a letter.
These symbols look so familiar to me.

I used to check out
this book obsessively.

Betty, how could
the Black Hood know that?

Put it on.

Why are you doing this to me?

To show you that we're the same.

Where is he, Betty?
Where did you take Chic?

Did you kill my brother?

I didn't mean to hurt him.

I'm gonna give you a head start.

Mom, where's dad?

- Hello.
- Hello, Sir.



I'm campaigning for
my dad, Fred Andrews.

He's running for Mayor of Riverdale
and could really use your vote.

On the eve
of the Mayoral Debate,

as Archie Andrews
goes door-to-door,

he doesn't mention the murder
of his classmate, Midge Klump.

Excuse me, sir.

I'm campaigning for my dad,
Fred Andrews.

I'm voting for Hiram Lodge.

Don't you mean Hermione Lodge?

Take the flyer, sir,
in case you change your mind.

Sure.

Most people believed
Midge was murdered by someone else

but not Archie.

He was certain,
beyond a shadow of a doubt,

the Black Hood was back,

as was his next-door
neighbor, Betty Cooper.

Who had, in fact,
laid eyes on the Black Hood

and suspected
he was much closer.

Penny for your thoughts, hon?

I was thinking
that he was a test.

Who was?

The impostor, Chic.

Everything that he did to us
and brought to us,

was kind of a test.

But we survived
and we're stronger for it.

Well, that remains to be seen.

No, Mom, we are.

And we'll survive
whatever else comes next.

You can't see
my bruises anymore.

Yes, no reason
whatsoever to bring up.

Nick's failed attempt
to kidnap and murder you.

Speaking of,
there is one thing I wanted to tell you.

What's that?

Word of my exploits serving
Nick his comeuppance

has seeped into the demimonde
of mobsters and molls

my father used
to associate with,

so the five families are sending
their youngest and brightest,

their "princes," as it were,

to, well, come court
the rare Mafia Princess

who can belly up
to the bar with the big boys.

What do you mean, "court"?

Thanks to my play,
the families are looking to make a business

and/or political alliances
with my parents.

It's all very Borgia-Medici.

Archie, if you have a moment?

Go ahead.
We'll meet up at lunch,

after I welcome the tributes.

My spies tell me you're out
campaigning for your father.

I'm not campaigning, Mr. Lodge.

I'm trying to find
the Black Hood.

It sounds insane,
but I remember his eyes.

So I'm going
house-to-house to...

Stare into men's eyes?

Well, that sounds like looking
for a needle in a haystack,

but we don't even know if that
the needle is in the haystack.

You said you wanted to make your bones.
Is that still true?

- Yes.
- Well, then...

Why don't you reform
your Dark Circle?

You'll want back-up should
you identify the Black Hood.

Reggie and the guys are fired-up,
Mr. Lodge, for sure,

but I need focused lasers,
not loose cannons.

To help with that...

A new Sheriff's taken over
for Keller, Michael Minetta.

A man I know very well.
You could coordinate your efforts with him.

- Really?
- Yes.

I'll arrange a meeting.
But move fast, Archie.

Every hour that passes, our killer
could be planning his next attack.

Any word from Chic?

No. He hasn't called since I
took him to the bus station.

So who knows?
Maybe he's gone for good.

Hey, the silver lining to all this Chic
stuff over the last couple of weeks is...

That's as bad as it gets, Betty.

It can't get worse,
how could it?

My dad could be the Black Hood.

Yeah, okay.
Well, that would be worse.

Well, well, well...

Aren't you boys a handsome
assortment of he-devils?

Veronica, these young men have
come to pay their respects.

Oh, I know why
they're here, Mom.

And while I'm dying to hear proposals,
I'm already late for school.

But maybe I can squeeze
you in tomorrow?

Uh... Tomorrow?

You do things your way,
Mom, I do things mine.

There's no one
else that I can talk to.

No one else who might understand
what I'm going through.

Dear cousin, you look harrowed.
What is it?

Cheryl, before you saw
the video of your dad...

shooting Jason...

Did you know that
he was the murderer?

Subconsciously, yes.
Why do you ask?

I think there's
a chance that my dad...

That somehow...

He might be the Black Hood.

Oh. Oh, Betty, I don't know.

I've seen your pater
sneak around Thistlehouse,

and he has all the stealth
of a marshmallow man.

Wherefore comes this accusation?

It's just intuition.

Cheryl, I don't want
my dad to be a murderer.

It would destroy
our lives even more,

but I don't know...

I can feel it in my bones...

If you're coming to me
for advice, fine.

Let's get you to the Po-Po.

Maybe this new Sheriff
has half a brain...

No. No. Not yet.

I need to be sure before
I involve anyone else.

Also, I know
it's hard to explain,

but if my dad is the Black Hood,

I need to be the one who confronts him,
who stops him.

In that case, absorb
my hard-learned advice.

You need concrete proof,
or a confession, or both.

First step? Buy yourself time
while you investigate.

That means pretending
everything is normal.

Yeah, well, luckily,
that's my specialty.

You're playing a very
dangerous game, Betty Cooper.

I don't think he would
hurt his own daughter.

And I never thought my dad would
shoot his son in the forehead,

but that's the world we live in.

Tread carefully, cousin.

You and Fred are neck-and-neck,

and with the town divided over our prison,
this debate is...

Is the single most important
event of the election.

I know. I know, basta.

We already control the Sheriff's office,
and The Register,

but we need the Mayor's office as well,
so the prison can't be blocked.

I'm hoping Archie's
Dark Circle will cause unrest.

After all, if Fred can't
control his own son,

he certainly can't control a town
on the verge of sliding into chaos.

If what happened to
Midge taught us anything,

it's that no one is safe,
anywhere.

This town needs us,
it needs the Dark Circle.

And this time, we'll have
the new Sheriff's support.

- No offense, Kev.
- None taken.

Here to catch the guy
who cost my dad his job.

Guys, I...
I gotta tell you something.

The night of the show, Midge and I got into
a fight backstage 'cause she admitted,

she was seeing someone else,
behind my back.

- Who?
- Who?

She let it slip that
it was a Serpent.

What?

I knew it, I knew it,
the second they set foot in this school!

Moose, why didn't you say anything to us?
Or my dad?

I didn't want to look like the jealous
boyfriend and have people think that I...

- We should talk to the new Sheriff...
- Screw that!

Some Serpent scumbag
was doing Midge.

We just gotta
figure out which one.

War Baby called my
father and I from Shankshaw.

Her old adversaries,
the Ghoulies, have been released.

Word on the street is that
they want Serpent blood.

They're gunning for a re-match.
They want war.

Which one of you reptiles
was screwing Midge Klump?

What the hell is going on?
This is a private meeting.

I'm guessing it was
you, Sweet Pea.

Reggie, that's enough.

You ass, I didn't
even know Midge.

But yeah, I get why she wouldn't
want fleas from you mangy Bulldogs!

- Reggie, no!
- Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Stop fighting now!

So I've been thinking.

Dad, you've been so busy
at The Register lately.

Maybe Mom should
go back to work.

I mean, she's moderating the debate,
why not report on it, as well?

I suppose
it's not a terrible idea.

Yeah, and I could help, too,
after school with proofing and layout.

My two best girls
back at The Register?

It's bad, Jones.
It's really bad.

So talk to me, Fangs.

On the opening night of Carrie,
when you were backstage

filming your documentary and you
found me in Midge's dressing room...

I wasn't just
giving her notes...

You were hooking up.

And you didn't tell
Sheriff Keller?

Jeez, Fangs,
do you know how guilty this makes you look?

I know! I know.

Did you do it?

Of course not.

- You've got to believe me, Jones!
- I do!

Can you delete the
footage off your camera?

I already gave the footage over
to Sheriff Keller as evidence.

- What do I do, Jones?
- Nothing.

Lay low. Serpents got your back.

I got your back.

Okay.

Canned meat isn't exactly sexy,
but it's making a comeback.

Tell your folks we
should open a cannery

in that maple syrup factory
I saw on the river.

I only like my meat
free-range and grass-fed.

My family runs a five thousand-seat
arena in Pacific City.

They're looking to do the same here.
Do you have a favorite boxer?

Michelle Rodriguez in Girlfight.

My family owns a track.

If you get your old man to invest with
my old man, I'll name a horse after you.

I want ships named
after me, not horses.

We own and operate the largest chain
of casinos in the region, Ms. Lodge.

And we're looking to expand.

I'm not opposed to games of luck, Elio.
But are your dice loaded?

No. No need to be crooked.

Or haven't you heard?
The House always wins.

Tell me more, Elio.

And it's Veronica,
not "Ms. Lodge."

This is some pretty
forceful branding, Archie.

Reggie made those, not me.

I need your Dark Circle
to just lay off my Serpents.

Even though they were
technically right about something.

What do you mean?

One of my Serpents was
canoodling with Midge.

But he didn't kill her.

And I'm not gonna give you
his name so please don't ask.

But rest assured, none of my crew is a
middle-aged white guy with green eyes.

- And that's who you're still looking for, right?
- Yeah.

- I'll tell Reggie to lay off.
- Thank you.

In the meantime,
I need to get back some possibly

incriminating footage
from this new Sheriff.

Have you met him yet?

No. But do you mind
if I tag along?

Gentlemen...

This is the young man I was
telling you about, Archie Andrews.

The one organizing
the safety initiative.

The Dark Circle.
A man after my own heart.

And this is the other one...

The muckraker.

The trouble maker.

You forgot iconoclast.

I was wondering if I could
have a word about

some documentary footage
that I lent your predecessor?

Sure. Let's chat in my office.

Hmm. Archie, Archie,
Archie, Archie...

You said you wanted to introduce
me to Sheriff Minetta, Mr. Lodge,

so I took it upon
myself to stop by.

Well, since you have
so much free time,

Veronica may have mentioned
that she's entertaining

a young man from
a prominent family tonight.

I'm hoping that
you'll accompany them?

Absolutely, Mr. Lodge.

Out of all the offers on the
table, Elio, yours inspired me the most.

So what if our families were to partner
up for say, "The Sweetwater Casino"?

Nothing would make
my father happier.

Perfection.

Now, play nice, boys,
while I go powder my nose.

How'd you get in
with the Lodges?

I'm mostly just with Veronica.

My dad says you're
one of Hiram's capos,

that you made your bones
taking care of Papa Poutine?

No, that wasn't me.

Word is, Papa Poutine's son,
Small Fry is looking for payback.

No one in Riverdale
had anything to do with that.

You sure you don't want to take a
break and join us for dinner, honey?

I'm not hungry right now. Will you get
me a tomato bisque for later though?

And maybe, an Orange Freeze?

Sounds great, Dad.

I got into my dad's planner.
And cross-referenced the dates

of every Black Hood attack with
his schedule, and they all line up.

Okay. "Worked late"
the night Midge and Moose were attacked.

"Early meeting"
the morning Fred was shot.

"Business trip" the night
Ms. Grundy was killed.

Business trip to Greendale,
no doubt.

This isn't proof,
but this is corroboration.

Register.

Mrs. Cooper, this is Dr. Curdle
from the coroner's office.

How...

How can I help you?

I have a warm body for you.

Unidentified male, mid-20s.

His body turned up off the highway,
just outside town, mutilated.

Mrs. Cooper. Are you there?

Yes.

Yes, I'll come... I'll come by to see it.
Thank you, Dr. Curdle.

As always,
small bills are preferable.

- We have to go to the morgue.
- Why?

Another Black Hood victim?

I sent the Black Hood
after Chic.

I gave Chic a head start and told him
to run, but maybe he didn't make it.

Sheriff Minetta wouldn't
give me back my footage.

Says he wants to go
through it frame by frame.

It's only a matter of time before he puts
two and two together and brings Fangs in.

Damn it. Of all
the girls in Riverdale High...

What do I do?

If Fangs runs, he looks guilty.

If he's caught withholding the truth,
he'll look like the killer.

It's a perfect storm.

The Lodges endorsed
this new Sheriff.

They want Midge's killer caught

and if it's a Southsider,
so much the better.

Then we hunker down...

Get ready to fight.

Dad?

What are you still doing up?

I got this note.

Pinned to the front door.

I can only assume it's from our old pal,
the Black Hood.

It's clear what has to be done.
We cancel the debate.

Prank or not, it's not
a risk we can take.

I agree. Until the Black Hood's caught,
we have to be careful.

Can you beef up security
at the Town Hall?

- Fred, honestly...
- Dad, you can't be serious.

We'll lock Town Hall down
tighter than a steel drum.

The town is scared.
They need to be shown we can't be cowed.

Well, if Fred's in, so are we.

You're not the
Mrs. Cooper I was expecting.

Yeah, well.
My money's good just the same.

This poor creature was found in the men's
room at the rest stop outside of Greendale.

Betty,
it's okay, it wasn't Chic.

But it could have been.

Chic is probably out there,
with a bullet in his forehead or...

Or he got away,
and he's on a train back to Transylvania.

I delivered him to the Black Hood, Cheryl.
That makes me a murderer.

I've been trying to prove
that my dad's a killer,

when really, all I have
to do was look in the mirror.

Oh, God!

He got what he wanted.

We're the same.

None of this is
your fault, Betty.

Part of me wanted to punish
Chic for what he did.

If Chic is dead,
that's a psycho's doing, not yours.

I don't know how much
longer I can keep going

before I snap and say something.

I think you should
say something.

I think you need to confront your father

with as much of
the truth as you dare,

and see how he reacts.

I have something to confess.

Well, what is it, honey?

While the Black Hood
was first hurting people...

He was also calling me,

asking me to do things.

He said I was like him.

He offered to help
me get rid of Chic.

So I delivered Chic
to the Black Hood.

If he's dead,

that makes me
an accomplice to murder.

And I think...

I'm okay with that.

The truth is, there's always been
this darkness inside of me...

I thought Chic could help me
understand it, but really...

It was the Black Hood who did.

Honey...

I don't know what to say.

Betty...

I experience it, too,

the darkness.

When I was away
from you and your mom,

I felt like I was
drowning in it...

It's why we need each other.

- Jug, did you see it?
- See what?

Fangs was dating Midge and
forgot to tell Sheriff Keller.

Where'd you get this video?

It was posted on The Register's website,
somebody leaked it.

It makes Fangs look guilty as sin.

Attention, students.
This is Principal Weatherbee.

I need Fangs Fogarty to come
to my office immediately.

- Where is he?
- I don't know.

We have to find him
before the Dark Circle does.

What the hell?

That video's everywhere!
How did it get out?

- We have to get you out of here, all right?
- You're dead, Vixen killer!

- This way...
- Mr. Fogarty!

- We need you to come with us.
- I didn't do anything.

- Grab him! Come on. Come on.
- You don't have the right to detain him!

I know today is all about
the debate, but I was curious.

Did you get my proposal?

About partnering with Elio's
family on a modestly-sized casino?

I did, yes.

But no business
Elio's family runs is legal.

Their casinos are just fronts for
numerous criminal activities.

No, no, Daddy,
Elio assured me...

This partnership just
doesn't make sense for us.

Not now, not when we're on the
verge of coming out of the shadows

and into the light, ourselves.

Surely, you understand that?

You don't have to do that.
There's a deputy out there.

What if the deputy falls asleep?
And the Black Hood slips past him?

- What if I can't stop him again?
- Again?

- Look, Archie, what happened at Pop's...
- Changed everything, Dad.

I really thought you were
going to die, Dad. I felt...

Helpless.

Everything broke that day, and I've been
trying to put it back together ever since.

- First with the Red Circle and then...
- Hiram Lodge.

Is that what this is about?

You backing him? Working for him?
He makes you feel...

I just hate feeling
like I can't do anything.

I know you do, son.

Especially when it seems like
the whole world is on fire.

All right, War Dogs.

Let's have some fun.

Whoo!

Jug, what's up?

You and your Dark Circle went wilding on
the Southside last night, that's what's up!

Wait, hold on.
That... That's impossible.

Unless it was some other vigilante
group in letterman jackets

who set a dumpster on fire
and slashed our tires!

Archie, Hog Eye saw you guys!

Jug, I swear, I don't know
anything about this.

- I wasn't there.
- Jughead?

- Attorney McCoy.
- Where is he?

You were in Midge Klump's dressing
room doing what, exactly?

We were just talking.
I didn't kill her.

Didn't you?
With this knife you had on your person?

Don't say another word.

I'll be representing
Mr. Fogarty from here on out,

and I'd appreciate it,
if you'd stop harassing my client.

You're being held because you were in
possession of a weapon on school property.

- My switch-blade's for protection.
- Yes.

Well, they have 24 hours
to make something stick.

In the meantime, you exercise your
right to remain the hell silent.

Have you guys lost your minds?
Vandalizing the Southside?

We were celebrating
Fangs' arrest.

That's not something to celebrate,
you idiot! He didn't do it.

Archie, he had a knife on him.

Okay, we're not having
this argument, you guys.

The Circle is officially disbanded.

That's not your decision
to make, dude.

You're not the one paying us.
Hiram is.

Wait...

- Mr. Lodge is paying you?
- Yeah.

He's the one that suggested we
go out and have a little fun.

Said you might've started the Dark Circle,
but it was mine now.

Veronica,
I'm afraid I've already taken

on my pro bono case
for the week.

That should cover an hour of legal advice,
I hope.

What can I do for you?

Let's say someone wanted
to open a casino in Riverdale.

For starters,
they'd need a gaming license.

Which are difficult
to obtain without...

Connections.

Let's say one wanted to do this,
strictly above board.

- Has he confessed yet?
- No.

But he said something about not being his
best self when my mom kicked him out.

And it was just a hunch,
but I got into his credit card statements

and he's still making weekly
payments to the Share B & B

he'd been renting even
though he's back at home.

Do you think
it's his serial killer lair?

And please tell me
we're breaking in.

What are we looking for,
exactly?

Trophies from his victims?

Or just anything unusual
or incriminating.

Betty?

Does your father have
an affinity for kiddie lit,

or would this be
considered unusual?

Cheryl...

The Black Hood used this
book to write the cipher,

the cipher that
only I could solve.

My dad knew I was obsessed with this book,
growing up.

- Oh, my God! It's him.
- Don't answer it.

- Hi, Dad.
- Betty, where are you?

Um, I'm at Pop's with Cheryl.

Well, your mom and I are
about to head to the debate.

You want us to wait?
Or pick you up?

No, just go ahead.
We'll meet you there.

Daddy, I've done a little research,
and I've figured out how

we can make the casino happen
without involving Elio's family.

- And it's legal, like you asked.
- I didn't ask.

And we're moments away from your mother's
debate, so if can we table this?

Welcome, one and all,
to tonight's Mayoral Debate.

Jumping right in.
Fear and unrest rule the streets.

Hermione Lodge,
how would you restore safety to the town?

Well,
we're already making strides, Alice.

My husband and I
personally recruited.

Sheriff Minetta from Centerville
after Tom Keller resigned.

Not one week on the job, and he's
apprehended Midge Klump's murderer.

Fred? Rebuttal?

We don't know
if he's the killer.

All I'm saying is let's not call
for blood until we've had a trial.

What does that say
about us, about Riverdale?

You talk about not
calling for blood, Fred?

Are you aware of a group
called the Dark Circle?

- No, I'm not.
- Then let me enlighten you.

The Dark Circle is
a dangerous, radical group

that traffics in terror,
violence, and street-warfare.

It's a group...

started by your son, Archie.

Now I ask you,
Citizens of Riverdale...

How can we trust
a man to run a town

when he can't even keep
his own house in order?

Oh, my God! It's the Black Hood!

Dad?

Mom?

- Betty!
- Dad?

- Are you hurt, son?
- No, are you okay?

Excuse me. Thank you.

I guess Sheriff Keller's not looking
so bad right about now, huh?

There's a trapdoor leading
from the balcony to the roof

that's not on any building plans.
But I've got cars all over downtown.

He's not gonna get far,
we'll catch him tonight.

Sheriff, if I may?

Archie's come face-to-face
with the Black Hood before,

looked him in the eyes.
Maybe he could help identify him.

You up for a ride-along?

Actually, I'm gonna head home,
stay with my dad.

Make sure he's safe there.

Yeah...

All right, then.

I just got off
the phone with Betty.

Apparently, the Black Hood
just turned the town hall

into his own shooting gallery,
while Fangs was right here.

So why is the Sheriff
still holding him?

What happened tonight
and what happened to Midge

are being treated as separate incidents.

But if the Sheriff doesn't press charges
in the next hour, he has to let you go.

There are lots of
protesters outside, Jughead.

His release is going to make a lot
of people in this town very unhappy.

Mom,

you're shaking.

I'm fine.

Look, I know you want
to be strong for the campaign,

but if tonight was any
indication of what's to come,

maybe you should drop out
of the race.

Nobody's withdrawing, Mija.

Daddy, are you serious?

We've worked too hard on these plans.
We can't get skittish now.

A serial killer just played
target practice with mom!

Your father's right, Veronica.

This campaign is bigger
than what happened tonight.

I'll be fine.

He's willing to put your life
in jeopardy and for what?

His plan, his vision,
his decisions.

You will show me
respect in this house.

Like the respect you showed me?

When you asked me to entertain
the sons of your enemies?

Or the respect when I tried to tell you that
I'd worked everything out with the casino?

And you brushed me aside!
Well, guess what, I'm going ahead with it.

I've done the work
and I have the money.

Oh, you mean the money that you
swindled from the St. Clairs?

Do you think I'd let my daughter keep
a pile of cash like that lying around?

I put it in a trust that you won't
be able to touch until you're 21,

when hopefully,
you'll be more rational and clear-minded.

Honey, I'm going to meet your
mom down at The Register.

Actually, Dad,
I need to talk to you about something.

I don't know...

What I saw at the Town Hall,
if that was really the Black Hood...

Cheryl and I went to your
Share B & B and broke-in.

You and Cheryl?

And I found this book

that the Black Hood used for his
cipher all those months ago.

Why do you have it?

I had no idea that the
Black Hood used that book.

All I knew
was it was your favorite.

You checked it out of the library
practically every weekend.

I found a copy online and I was
saving it for your birthday.

What? What are
you talking about?

You didn't think that...

- Oh, Betty...
- Wait, wait. So...

This book is really
just a present?

For me?

Of course, Betty.

What else would it be?

Dad, I just got back
from the Sheriff's station.

Fangs is getting out tonight.

Joaquin?

What's he doing here?

I called him.
He's going to help Fangs disappear.

I can sneak him out to San Junipero.
I got a place there.

Maybe. But first, we need to get him out
of that Sheriff's station in one piece.

There's an angry mob outside with pitchforks
and they're yelling for his head!

Something's happening,
and it's gonna make you

and the rest of
the Dark Circle very angry

and frustrated.

Fangs Fogarty

is being released.

- What?
- Sometime after midnight.

But there's nothing
you or I can do about it.

Short of taking justice
into your own hands.

We must have faith in
the justice system,

even if it sometimes
allows the guilty

to walk free.

- Ronnie, what's up?
- I came here to see your dad.

Is everything okay?

Everything's fine,
Mr. Andrews. I just...

I wanted to tell you that from now on,
I'm supporting your run for Mayor.

I can't in good conscience

stand with my father anymore.
I believe in you.

Betty, is everything okay?

Dad?

I think we need to finish the
conversation we started earlier.

- Should I come home, Betty?
- No.

Meet me at the place
where this all began.

With my speech at Town Hall.

You understand?

Of course.

I want it to just be
between you and me.

Just how you wanted
it from the beginning.

Just like...

It's supposed to be.

Archie, you gotta get down here.
I'm down at the station...

Jug, slow down,
I can't hear you.

I said, get your ass down
to the Sheriff's station.

Your guys are here
and they're out of control.

Oh, you mean the Dark Circle?
They're not my guys anymore.

Well, they want to rip Fangs apart.

He's getting out and we need your help,
Archie, please!

Justice
for Midge! Justice for Midge!

Free Fangs!
Free Fangs! Free Fangs!

Okay, Dad. Let's talk.

You can't take Fangs out the front.
We have to take the side entrance.

Crowd's out there, too.
So pick your poison, Serpent.

- What do we do, man?
- I don't wanna die.

Fangs, you're not going to.

Look at me, okay?

We stand together
so none of us falls.

In unity, there is strength.

In unity, there is strength!

Get help!

I swear, Mother,
if this is one of your gentlemen callers...