Rick and Morty (2013–…): Season 6, Episode 5 - Final DeSmithation - full transcript
Jerry: Ah! Now, that was some
fantastic chow mein.
And before you say
that sounded racist,
you can ask the waiter
how they say it.
It's Panda Express, honey.
The waiter's from Portland.
Alright, who the hell
changed my ringtone
to the theme from "Taxi"?
[ Both laugh ]
It's a new thing on Taxi Tok.
That's a subculture
on TikTok of kids
who decided the theme
from "Taxi" slaps.
Now you have to play
the "Taxi" theme
for ten people while I film it.
I don't have to do shit.
That's dumb.
It raises awareness
for leukemia.
So... who else is excited
for the zoo tomorrow?
Zoos are my favorite
kind of non-water park.
It's just a shame that
they both give you diarrhea.
You only get diarrhea at the zoo
if you eat the food
you're supposed to feed
to the animals.
Summer:
Which you've done, twice.
They put it in gumball machines.
You know, fortune cookies
only come true
if you eat the cookie first.
Alright. "Hard work
often pays off"? Lame.
"Family time
is time well spent."
Okay, that's not only empty.
It's been disproven.
Okay, mine says,
"Family time is time well..."
Oh, man, I got the same one?
- Boo.
- Boo.
What's your stupid 21-century
watered-down
fortune cookie say, Dad?
"You will have sex
with your mother."
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Fortune cookies
aren't legitimate, right?
Jerry, are you seriously asking
if I think you're gonna
have sex with your mom?
No, I-I wanted to ask
if it's okay with you
if I make myself
throw up the cookie.
If it makes you feel better and
you can do it quietly, yes,
but don't hand that advice
down to Summer.
[ Retching ]
Ugh! Can't do it.
Sleepy Gary ruined
my gag reflex,
which is frustrating
because Sleepy Gary wasn't real.
Neither are fortune cookies.
Go to sleep, Jerry.
I know they're not real.
[ Chuckles ]
It's just...
Why is it so specific?
And why are three of the numbers
a few numbers off
from my Mom's birthday?!
Can we investigate this, Rick?
It's not an X-File, Jerry,
You got the world's
last interesting fortune.
Dad, can you explain to TikTok
what's going on with your mom?
Summer, no social videoing!
What if Mi-Maw sees it?
We can't let her know this
is a thing that might happen!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Uh, "might"?
[ Phone buzzing ]
She's calling again.
She doesn't usually
call this much.
Because you don't
usually ghost her
because you don't usually
decide you're at risk of...
What if she's calling me
to tell me I'm adopted?!
Well, yeah, then you
should definitely hit that.
[ Laughter ]
That's not funny!
Jerry, you're making it funny
by taking it seriously.
And none of us will be laughing
if you let this
ruin our zoo trip.
Rick, can you use science to
make it impossible for me to...
Jerry, you're insulting science.
And as the most powerful [burps]
man in the universe,
if I create technology to
prevent a random occurrence,
I'll end up making it
more possible than random.
[ Phone buzzing ]
[ Gasps ]
[ Laughter ]
When do we leave for the zoo?
One hour. You have one hour
to let go of this.
I'm already done
thinking about it.
[ Laughing ]
Morty:
Check that out, huh?
[ Laughter ]
[ Cellphone dings ]
Jerry: Ah! Ah! No!
[ Groans ]
Aah! Aah! Aah!
[ Laughter ]
Let me out! Let me out!
[ Grunting ]
- You have ten seconds.
- I want to go.
You know of my love for the zoo!
Why are you dressed like Morty?
Because Morty's mom is Beth.
I'm not unpacking that.
[ Horn honks ]
Okay, if you think I have
this much patience for the zoo,
on Earth,
you're sorely mistaken.
Jerry, if you don't come with
us, I will be so disappointed.
Okay, you guys should
probably go on without Jerry.
I just took some readings
on his probability field,
and this fortune
has some strange powers
I'm gonna need to investigate.
Really?!
Oh, God, I knew it.
[ Sighs ] Okay. Well.
Be careful, honey.
Ooh! Bring me back a handful
of zebra snacks?
A-And please take pictures
with my favorite animal,
the white tiger!
Summer: Because
they breed via incest?
Is that true?!
[ Laughter ]
Ah. I knew I was right.
Not even close.
I just didn't want to
see someone get bullied
into going to a zoo.
You may be the single
dumbest human I've ever met,
Jerry,
but you still have a right
to take whatever
you want seriously.
Thank you,
but if that thing says
I'm not gonna do it with my mom,
I can go to the zoo.
Jerry, this thing
measures aberrations
in probability waves.
I didn't even bother to
turn it on because if I did...
[ Whirring, beep ]
Huh.
What?!
Nothing.
Don't get weird on me.
But, uh, since we're free
for the afternoon,
you mind doing a quick activity?
We're gonna disprove this
with efficient brute force.
These are two shoeboxes.
Both are empty,
but I wrote your mother's name
on the inside of one.
What? God, no! If you think
for a second I'm gonna put my...
Good. I didn't wanna
do this anyway.
Fine! Can I just tell you which
box I would put my penis in?
Saying it seems worse, but okay.
Alright. I would put my penis
in the box on the right.
Great. Uh, look in
the other direction,
and I'm gonna
switch up the boxes.
This feels really low-tech.
Yeah, 'cause
we're measuring reality.
I would take out my penis
and place it in the box
on the... right.
Again.
I would put my penis...
Jerry, you don't have to say
"penis" every time.
Just left or right.
Hey, this was your idea!
I didn't think
it'd go on this long.
Okay, penis. Ugh!
Left!
Keep going.
Right.
Left. Right.
Jerry, are you fucking peeking?
Tell me what's going on!
You're scaring me!
[ Whirring, beep ]
Okay, I'm just as likely
to shit a balloon
as I am to become a dolphin.
Those are things
that could happen?
Jerry, everything is
as likely as anything else.
[ Whirring, beep ]
Which is why it's weird that
you're at all likely to...
To what?
To what?!
Jerry, has your mother
been leaving messages?
Three texts.
I'm afraid to read them.
Read them.
She's asking
if she can come visit.
Why would she want that?!
Jerry, I'm gonna
tell you something
I've never told anyone.
We need to go to Panda Express.
If these guys wanted my respect,
they could've just gotten
a liquor license.
Now you think this has
something to do with you?
Jerry, whoever's behind that
fortune has, like, god powers.
Of course it has
something to do with me.
What do you think I am in this
story, the father-in-law?
[ Whirring, click ]
You guys wanted my attention?
Okay, well, now
I'm getting mixed signals.
[ Cellphone dings ]
Gah!
Stay here, Jerry.
Time to kick ass.
Gonna need a soundtrack.
Ship, favorites playlist,
track one.
[ "Taxi" theme song plays ]
Alright, fine.
No wrong answers.
♪♪
♪♪
Tell me where you get
your cookies at,
and we can all walk
out of here alive!
Fuck you,
DEA piece of shit!
DEA?
Cookies?
Fortune cookies.
You're not here about our gang's
city-wide meth ring?
What? No. Break the laws.
They shouldn't exist anyway.
[ Chuckles ] Wow.
I am embarrassed.
[ Chuckles ]
Aw, me too.
Sorry about, uh,
these dead guys.
Comes with the territory.
So w-where do you
get your cookies?
Same distributor
as everyone else.
That's their truck out back.
Solid.
Okay, I'm gonna take
the truck in exchange
for not turning you in.
♪♪
Geez. How much money
can there be in cookies
that you get for free?
And now we're being
retina scanned?
Oh, oh, oh! I know!
I've got a theory, Jerry.
Oh, good.
This place is run by
Cookie Monster.
He's really protective
about his cookies.
C'mon, man.
You can't crack a smile?
Oh, yeah... you're worried
about doing it with your mom.
Okay. Fair enough.
Whoa!
Rick:
Fucking cameras everywhere.
That cup is a camera.
[Burps] That tree is a camera.
Can you disable them?
Stealth rule number one...
Turning off 300 cameras
draws more attention
than changing outfits.
Looks like we need to
dress for success.
Eye of Thundara,
give me suits beyond suits!
Jerry, assistant clothing.
MAKE-UP!
♪♪
What the hell was that?
Reuseable "Sailor Moon"
sequence.
If we ever need to show you
becoming my assistant again,
we can repeat it
and save lots of money.
[ Imitates R2-D2 beeping ]
♪♪
Why does an operation
bigger than the government
want me to...
couple with my mother?
[ Indistinct conversations ]
♪♪
♪♪
Whoa. Bezos? Bill Gates?
Prime ministers?
Weirdly,
Billy Zane is also here.
Hello. You're about to meet me,
Jennith Padrow-Chunt.
15 years ago, I was living
in my parents' garage,
eating ramen out of a toilet
when I discovered something.
Fate isn't fiction.
Everything you want
can be yours, if you ask for it.
Just ask me.
Hello, me.
Hello, me.
Look at me's.
Every suit I wear
is virgin white.
I sleep on a bed of loose grains
and begin every morning
by dragging my perfect vagina
across Chinese silver grass.
I'm firm and ripe.
[ Cellphone dings ]
My mother's plane just landed.
She took a photo at the airport
in front of that Wolfgang Puck
that smells like a kindergarten.
Want to know the secret
to how I changed my future?
Yes.
Well, once you're
a level seven investor,
you'll learn that and more.
Yeah, we're not getting
the answers we want here.
Let's go deeper.
[ Beep ]
♪♪
And now, thanks to
your generous contributions,
here are this year's cookies.
[ All crunch ]
"You will receive a 6.8%
year-on-year increase."
Very nice.
"Your talents
are appreciated..."
[gasps] "...when you become
junior partner."
Holy shit! I'm going to be on
"Dancing with the Stars"!
Please, I can get the money.
I swear! Gak!
I'm afraid it's too late
for that.
[Gags and gulps]
Oh, God, what does it say?
"Your penis will be mangled
by a frozen-yogurt machine
at the U.N."?
I know that machine!
This would sound impossible
to a layman,
but to me it rings inevitable!
Holy shit.
This is real.
They're controlling fate
for profit.
I'm glad you're happy;
Now can we blow up the building
or something?
I don't think
that's the best way
to take away their power, Jerry.
Let's take it in a way
that ends with us having it.
You mean you having it.
I'll share it.
Then you fuck my mom.
That's not how it works,
and I already have.
What?!
Jesus, Jerry, come on.
How unfortunate.
Use the emergency fortunes!
Fighting fortunes.
T-T-They're leveling up!
"You'll have great success
in a fight."
I'll be damned.
[ Grunting ]
Ha!
[ Grunting ]
Yah!
[ Grunting ]
Fuck!
This both sucks
and is really valuable data.
Ha!
Oh!
Aah!
Wha!
Rick, what are you doing?!
Using you
as a human shield.
You said it!
You said the thing
I thought you were doing.
We've got intruders.
And one of them...
has an unresolved fortune.
[ Beeping]
We need that man's mother.
Lot of mothers in the world,
ma'am.
But only one of them is Mrs...
Ugh, God damn it... Smith?
♪♪
So are we going to ignore
that you tried to stop bullets
using my body?
You have an unresolved fortune.
Until you have sex with your
mom, you're basically immortal.
Do you have any idea
how amazing that is?
You don't even care about me.
You just want
fortune cookie power.
Okay, Jerry, how 'bout this?
If it comes down to it,
I promise I'll put a bullet
in her head.
No!
Ah, you're right.
The fortune didn't say
she'd be alive, did it?
I hate you!
Hate productive things.
Hate crawling through
a fucking air vent.
Ah, those are those weird
hex-headed screws.
Do your screwdriver fingers...
Aah! Aah!
[ Ominous music playing ]
♪♪
[ Grunts ]
♪♪
Well, at least we have
no idea what's going on.
That's a LOCKER-ean.
I-It's a species
that eats chaos.
But it has
its digestive disorder.
Its stomach is stripping
randomness from spacetime
and leaving behind
super-dense pockets of energy
that bend entropy
towards definable outcomes.
I mean, th-that's
how fate works.
It's a field, like gravity,
but instead of pulling
small toward big,
it pulls unknown toward known.
Ah, so we do know
what's going on.
We know this... everyone
that's had a fortune cookie
in the last 20 years
has eaten this thing's poop.
Fortune cookies are alien poop.
These fortunes are so basic.
Why wouldn't you use this power
to change the world?
Or at least get Nintendo
to make a portable VR headset?
Ooh, this place ain't
for creatin' the future,
but controllin' it.
Hi, I'm Old.
Old M. Hucksbee.
The "M" stands
for "Man."
You're an arch little character.
You're the reason
fortune cookies suck?
No, no, no,
that's Jenneth Chunt's idea.
You have to glut the marketplace
with pointless fortunes
to increase the value
of real ones.
Controlling destiny
for a price...
That's the Fortune 500's
fortune.
And you're trying
to [burps] stop them?
Just tryin' to get out.
I want to be free
with this here alien gal
so we can get married.
Then we can have relations.
Can't do that before marriage,
you know.
I'm a Catholic.
Uh, does the alien want that?
It's not exactly what I'd call
a sentient species.
A man knows.
What does this
have to do with me?
You put this in my cookie.
Yep. Oh, I've been tryin'
to get people's attention.
I'd make fortunes saying,
"You're a-gonna break your leg
unless you investigate
this cookie company,"
or, "Please come help me
or a virus will
shut down the world."
Finally I just made
a bunch that said,
"You're gonna have sex
with your own momma."
How many? It...
What happened to the others?
I 'spose they fucked their moms.
Now let's cut her chains
and get the hell outta here.
[ Thud ]
Well, shit on a spaghetti.
Hello, Jerry Smith.
Glad you could join us on
Bring Your Mother to Work day.
Mom!
Hi, Jerry.
Your friends picked me up
in a limousine.
They said you won something,
and I should be the one
to give it to you.
You sick fucks.
Are you guys
enjoying this?
I used to think I was just
a regular white woman.
Then I discovered
I could control my destiny.
All white women think that.
The truth is, this alien
crashed in your yard
and you ate its shit.
How dare you!
What's your name?
How dare you?!
We should've blown up
the building.
Doesn't matter.
All I was gonna say is,
"Guess what, insert name?
Time for you to eat shit."
But first...
[ Grunts ]
Aah!
Oh, no!
I'm so wet!
Ah! No!
Jerry!
Come back and block bullets.
Authorizing the use
of prototype fortunes.
[ All crunch ]
[ Gunfire ]
Fuck!
You can't hide!
My fortune said,
"Headshots only."
[ Morty grunting ]
Harry! Greg! Lashawn!
Dave C.! Dave M.!
Noooo!
You piece of shit,
you killed my friends.
Oh!
Alright, what does
the future hold?
Aah!
Maybe I can Pokémon this shit.
Blast him,
or we're both gonna die.
Oh, God! Oh, God!
Aaah!
Whoa!
You control control water.
Like, the water inside a guy.
That's a gross power.
[ Gunfire ]
I'm gonna let you live
because your fortune sucks.
You can't kill me!
I can't be killed!
Trust me, that's not as good
as it sounds.
Aaaaaaah!
Ah! Ah! Aah!
Oh, it hurts!
It burns!
Fuck!
Oh, my God! My ribs!
I can feel my shattered ribs!
[ Gunfire ]
♪♪
Shit, these are useless.
Where are the fighting fortunes?
Ah, no-no-no-no-no!
Those are blanks!
Without fortunes, the effects
are completely unpredictable!
Alright.
♪♪
[ Gulps ]
♪♪
I am the son of God!
Ah!
Jerry's mom:
Jerry!
[ Sobbing ]
Help me, Jerry!
Mom! Stay away!
Just stay away!
Come on and fuck already!
Ma'am, is it possible
we're being given a chance
to take a step back
and examine our behavior?
[ Baby crying ]
You can't kill me, old man.
I also have
an unresolved fortune.
"The most successful
businesswoman on Earth?"
You could do anything you wanted
and you chose... work?
[ Chuckles ] Every day I get
closer to an unattainable goal.
A one-woman lifestyle brand,
forever!
Well, I just used
a dark web account
to hack Goldman Sachs,
remove trillions of dollars,
and purchase everything
your company offers.
Congratulations!
You're officially
the most successful
businesswoman on Earth.
Fortune fulfilled.
And now I'm emptying
your bank accounts
and giving the money
back to Goldman Sachs,
because I sit dead-center
on the alignment chart.
You son of a bitch!
How does it feel
to achieve your dreams?
Empty, right?
Like when DiCaprio
won the Oscar.
You could see it in his face.
[ Echoing] I still have
one more dream...
Watching you die, Rick Sanchez!
Ha! You knew my name!
♪♪
[ Roars ]
[ Screams ]
She's free! Run!
Run, my beauty!
[ Roars ]
Well, butterfly on a corncob.
I see that I've romanticized
a wild animal
the same way Margaret Howe did
when she jerked off
that dolphin in the 19-and-60s.
Both she and I assaulted
a captive creature
and expected it
to be reciprocal.
[ Thud ]
Welp, joopityboot.
Time to die.
[ Roars ]
Ah!
Follow me, my queen!
That's all the bad guys down.
We almost got this, Jer.
Ah!
♪♪
No!
Oh, sticks-to-walls guy,
I-I-I guess we were both wrong.
Oh, God.
[ Rumbling ]
[ Roars ]
Oh! Ah!
Ah! Oh!
[ Screams ]
Aaaah!
Rick! Please!
Jerry, I've got the creature.
I knew it.
I knew it.
God damn it!
Aaaaaaaah!
Oh, God!
Aaaaah!
God damn it.
[ Screams ]
Ah. Holy shit,
that was close.
Close to what?
Close to everyone but your son
getting anything
they want forever.
You saved me.
I will never stop
holding this over you,
as if that buys me anything.
We should get you
some clothes, son.
Oh, oh!
[ Exciting music plays ]
♪♪
I can just feel the savings.
Hey, wait, uh...
Got this at the crazy place
we just were.
It may look like someone
stuck a hand-written fortune
in there last second,
but I'm pretty sure
that's just the way it came.
Besides,
these don't mean anything.
[ Crunches ]
Jerry, while I appreciate
the sentiment,
this is a huge waste
of the last real fortune.
Oh. I'm sorry.
I just...
It's cool, it's cool.
Thanks, friend.
Friend?!
Did you just say friend?
What?
W-W-What did I do?
You fucking idiot!
I'm not your friend!
Why did you think
I was your friend?
Look at this you piece of shit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, so?
I was immortal!
I was immortal
for that whole fight.
All I had to do was
never make a new friend.
Jesus fucking Christ, Jerry.
I'm sorry!
We're not friends!
Yeah, too late, bonehead.
It doesn't say
"new permanent friend."
All friendships end,
especially new ones.
Well, maybe that's a fate
the two of us still control.
[ Crying ]
I'm... I'm sorry I did that.
It's fine.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Man: The zoo. Animals.
Balloons. Moats. Cages.
A fun time for the whole family.
But you don't care about that.
You're a zebra.
You're here for the unparalleled
dining experience
of hand-fed zebra food.
Delicious.
He... Hey, wait.
Don't eat...
Th... That's for the zebras.
It's making you sick!
What are you doing?
Jesus, why have they left
all the zebra-feeding
to the people
who come to the zoo?
Is that the only way
the zebras can get food?
They're so hungry.
What the fuck is happening?
We're out of zebra food.
Okay?
There's no food left.
Don't come to the zoo.
This was supposed to be
a commercial for zebras,
targeted to zebras.
The premise itself
was questionable, but this...
This is a nightmare!
Don't go to the zoo.
Stay away from the zoo.
Oh, God, what are you doing
in the booth?
Get out!
Get out, you're mad with...
[ Gunshot]
Man #2: Ow. Eat it.
Eat zebra food.
Okay, um. I guess I can't
blame Dad for being confused
about what to do
with the zebra food.
Also, I have no idea why
they're running this ad,
like, on a loop?
There were murders in it,
and it was specifically
telling you to do the thing
it didn't want you to do
until the very end,
when it reversed.
Why would they sell
the zebra food in the gift shop,
unless... I mean,
do the zebras shop in here?
Are we the ones in the zoo?
Oh, is that the twist?
Okay, we're... it's a human zoo.
Got it.
Did you get any of that?
fantastic chow mein.
And before you say
that sounded racist,
you can ask the waiter
how they say it.
It's Panda Express, honey.
The waiter's from Portland.
Alright, who the hell
changed my ringtone
to the theme from "Taxi"?
[ Both laugh ]
It's a new thing on Taxi Tok.
That's a subculture
on TikTok of kids
who decided the theme
from "Taxi" slaps.
Now you have to play
the "Taxi" theme
for ten people while I film it.
I don't have to do shit.
That's dumb.
It raises awareness
for leukemia.
So... who else is excited
for the zoo tomorrow?
Zoos are my favorite
kind of non-water park.
It's just a shame that
they both give you diarrhea.
You only get diarrhea at the zoo
if you eat the food
you're supposed to feed
to the animals.
Summer:
Which you've done, twice.
They put it in gumball machines.
You know, fortune cookies
only come true
if you eat the cookie first.
Alright. "Hard work
often pays off"? Lame.
"Family time
is time well spent."
Okay, that's not only empty.
It's been disproven.
Okay, mine says,
"Family time is time well..."
Oh, man, I got the same one?
- Boo.
- Boo.
What's your stupid 21-century
watered-down
fortune cookie say, Dad?
"You will have sex
with your mother."
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Fortune cookies
aren't legitimate, right?
Jerry, are you seriously asking
if I think you're gonna
have sex with your mom?
No, I-I wanted to ask
if it's okay with you
if I make myself
throw up the cookie.
If it makes you feel better and
you can do it quietly, yes,
but don't hand that advice
down to Summer.
[ Retching ]
Ugh! Can't do it.
Sleepy Gary ruined
my gag reflex,
which is frustrating
because Sleepy Gary wasn't real.
Neither are fortune cookies.
Go to sleep, Jerry.
I know they're not real.
[ Chuckles ]
It's just...
Why is it so specific?
And why are three of the numbers
a few numbers off
from my Mom's birthday?!
Can we investigate this, Rick?
It's not an X-File, Jerry,
You got the world's
last interesting fortune.
Dad, can you explain to TikTok
what's going on with your mom?
Summer, no social videoing!
What if Mi-Maw sees it?
We can't let her know this
is a thing that might happen!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Uh, "might"?
[ Phone buzzing ]
She's calling again.
She doesn't usually
call this much.
Because you don't
usually ghost her
because you don't usually
decide you're at risk of...
What if she's calling me
to tell me I'm adopted?!
Well, yeah, then you
should definitely hit that.
[ Laughter ]
That's not funny!
Jerry, you're making it funny
by taking it seriously.
And none of us will be laughing
if you let this
ruin our zoo trip.
Rick, can you use science to
make it impossible for me to...
Jerry, you're insulting science.
And as the most powerful [burps]
man in the universe,
if I create technology to
prevent a random occurrence,
I'll end up making it
more possible than random.
[ Phone buzzing ]
[ Gasps ]
[ Laughter ]
When do we leave for the zoo?
One hour. You have one hour
to let go of this.
I'm already done
thinking about it.
[ Laughing ]
Morty:
Check that out, huh?
[ Laughter ]
[ Cellphone dings ]
Jerry: Ah! Ah! No!
[ Groans ]
Aah! Aah! Aah!
[ Laughter ]
Let me out! Let me out!
[ Grunting ]
- You have ten seconds.
- I want to go.
You know of my love for the zoo!
Why are you dressed like Morty?
Because Morty's mom is Beth.
I'm not unpacking that.
[ Horn honks ]
Okay, if you think I have
this much patience for the zoo,
on Earth,
you're sorely mistaken.
Jerry, if you don't come with
us, I will be so disappointed.
Okay, you guys should
probably go on without Jerry.
I just took some readings
on his probability field,
and this fortune
has some strange powers
I'm gonna need to investigate.
Really?!
Oh, God, I knew it.
[ Sighs ] Okay. Well.
Be careful, honey.
Ooh! Bring me back a handful
of zebra snacks?
A-And please take pictures
with my favorite animal,
the white tiger!
Summer: Because
they breed via incest?
Is that true?!
[ Laughter ]
Ah. I knew I was right.
Not even close.
I just didn't want to
see someone get bullied
into going to a zoo.
You may be the single
dumbest human I've ever met,
Jerry,
but you still have a right
to take whatever
you want seriously.
Thank you,
but if that thing says
I'm not gonna do it with my mom,
I can go to the zoo.
Jerry, this thing
measures aberrations
in probability waves.
I didn't even bother to
turn it on because if I did...
[ Whirring, beep ]
Huh.
What?!
Nothing.
Don't get weird on me.
But, uh, since we're free
for the afternoon,
you mind doing a quick activity?
We're gonna disprove this
with efficient brute force.
These are two shoeboxes.
Both are empty,
but I wrote your mother's name
on the inside of one.
What? God, no! If you think
for a second I'm gonna put my...
Good. I didn't wanna
do this anyway.
Fine! Can I just tell you which
box I would put my penis in?
Saying it seems worse, but okay.
Alright. I would put my penis
in the box on the right.
Great. Uh, look in
the other direction,
and I'm gonna
switch up the boxes.
This feels really low-tech.
Yeah, 'cause
we're measuring reality.
I would take out my penis
and place it in the box
on the... right.
Again.
I would put my penis...
Jerry, you don't have to say
"penis" every time.
Just left or right.
Hey, this was your idea!
I didn't think
it'd go on this long.
Okay, penis. Ugh!
Left!
Keep going.
Right.
Left. Right.
Jerry, are you fucking peeking?
Tell me what's going on!
You're scaring me!
[ Whirring, beep ]
Okay, I'm just as likely
to shit a balloon
as I am to become a dolphin.
Those are things
that could happen?
Jerry, everything is
as likely as anything else.
[ Whirring, beep ]
Which is why it's weird that
you're at all likely to...
To what?
To what?!
Jerry, has your mother
been leaving messages?
Three texts.
I'm afraid to read them.
Read them.
She's asking
if she can come visit.
Why would she want that?!
Jerry, I'm gonna
tell you something
I've never told anyone.
We need to go to Panda Express.
If these guys wanted my respect,
they could've just gotten
a liquor license.
Now you think this has
something to do with you?
Jerry, whoever's behind that
fortune has, like, god powers.
Of course it has
something to do with me.
What do you think I am in this
story, the father-in-law?
[ Whirring, click ]
You guys wanted my attention?
Okay, well, now
I'm getting mixed signals.
[ Cellphone dings ]
Gah!
Stay here, Jerry.
Time to kick ass.
Gonna need a soundtrack.
Ship, favorites playlist,
track one.
[ "Taxi" theme song plays ]
Alright, fine.
No wrong answers.
♪♪
♪♪
Tell me where you get
your cookies at,
and we can all walk
out of here alive!
Fuck you,
DEA piece of shit!
DEA?
Cookies?
Fortune cookies.
You're not here about our gang's
city-wide meth ring?
What? No. Break the laws.
They shouldn't exist anyway.
[ Chuckles ] Wow.
I am embarrassed.
[ Chuckles ]
Aw, me too.
Sorry about, uh,
these dead guys.
Comes with the territory.
So w-where do you
get your cookies?
Same distributor
as everyone else.
That's their truck out back.
Solid.
Okay, I'm gonna take
the truck in exchange
for not turning you in.
♪♪
Geez. How much money
can there be in cookies
that you get for free?
And now we're being
retina scanned?
Oh, oh, oh! I know!
I've got a theory, Jerry.
Oh, good.
This place is run by
Cookie Monster.
He's really protective
about his cookies.
C'mon, man.
You can't crack a smile?
Oh, yeah... you're worried
about doing it with your mom.
Okay. Fair enough.
Whoa!
Rick:
Fucking cameras everywhere.
That cup is a camera.
[Burps] That tree is a camera.
Can you disable them?
Stealth rule number one...
Turning off 300 cameras
draws more attention
than changing outfits.
Looks like we need to
dress for success.
Eye of Thundara,
give me suits beyond suits!
Jerry, assistant clothing.
MAKE-UP!
♪♪
What the hell was that?
Reuseable "Sailor Moon"
sequence.
If we ever need to show you
becoming my assistant again,
we can repeat it
and save lots of money.
[ Imitates R2-D2 beeping ]
♪♪
Why does an operation
bigger than the government
want me to...
couple with my mother?
[ Indistinct conversations ]
♪♪
♪♪
Whoa. Bezos? Bill Gates?
Prime ministers?
Weirdly,
Billy Zane is also here.
Hello. You're about to meet me,
Jennith Padrow-Chunt.
15 years ago, I was living
in my parents' garage,
eating ramen out of a toilet
when I discovered something.
Fate isn't fiction.
Everything you want
can be yours, if you ask for it.
Just ask me.
Hello, me.
Hello, me.
Look at me's.
Every suit I wear
is virgin white.
I sleep on a bed of loose grains
and begin every morning
by dragging my perfect vagina
across Chinese silver grass.
I'm firm and ripe.
[ Cellphone dings ]
My mother's plane just landed.
She took a photo at the airport
in front of that Wolfgang Puck
that smells like a kindergarten.
Want to know the secret
to how I changed my future?
Yes.
Well, once you're
a level seven investor,
you'll learn that and more.
Yeah, we're not getting
the answers we want here.
Let's go deeper.
[ Beep ]
♪♪
And now, thanks to
your generous contributions,
here are this year's cookies.
[ All crunch ]
"You will receive a 6.8%
year-on-year increase."
Very nice.
"Your talents
are appreciated..."
[gasps] "...when you become
junior partner."
Holy shit! I'm going to be on
"Dancing with the Stars"!
Please, I can get the money.
I swear! Gak!
I'm afraid it's too late
for that.
[Gags and gulps]
Oh, God, what does it say?
"Your penis will be mangled
by a frozen-yogurt machine
at the U.N."?
I know that machine!
This would sound impossible
to a layman,
but to me it rings inevitable!
Holy shit.
This is real.
They're controlling fate
for profit.
I'm glad you're happy;
Now can we blow up the building
or something?
I don't think
that's the best way
to take away their power, Jerry.
Let's take it in a way
that ends with us having it.
You mean you having it.
I'll share it.
Then you fuck my mom.
That's not how it works,
and I already have.
What?!
Jesus, Jerry, come on.
How unfortunate.
Use the emergency fortunes!
Fighting fortunes.
T-T-They're leveling up!
"You'll have great success
in a fight."
I'll be damned.
[ Grunting ]
Ha!
[ Grunting ]
Yah!
[ Grunting ]
Fuck!
This both sucks
and is really valuable data.
Ha!
Oh!
Aah!
Wha!
Rick, what are you doing?!
Using you
as a human shield.
You said it!
You said the thing
I thought you were doing.
We've got intruders.
And one of them...
has an unresolved fortune.
[ Beeping]
We need that man's mother.
Lot of mothers in the world,
ma'am.
But only one of them is Mrs...
Ugh, God damn it... Smith?
♪♪
So are we going to ignore
that you tried to stop bullets
using my body?
You have an unresolved fortune.
Until you have sex with your
mom, you're basically immortal.
Do you have any idea
how amazing that is?
You don't even care about me.
You just want
fortune cookie power.
Okay, Jerry, how 'bout this?
If it comes down to it,
I promise I'll put a bullet
in her head.
No!
Ah, you're right.
The fortune didn't say
she'd be alive, did it?
I hate you!
Hate productive things.
Hate crawling through
a fucking air vent.
Ah, those are those weird
hex-headed screws.
Do your screwdriver fingers...
Aah! Aah!
[ Ominous music playing ]
♪♪
[ Grunts ]
♪♪
Well, at least we have
no idea what's going on.
That's a LOCKER-ean.
I-It's a species
that eats chaos.
But it has
its digestive disorder.
Its stomach is stripping
randomness from spacetime
and leaving behind
super-dense pockets of energy
that bend entropy
towards definable outcomes.
I mean, th-that's
how fate works.
It's a field, like gravity,
but instead of pulling
small toward big,
it pulls unknown toward known.
Ah, so we do know
what's going on.
We know this... everyone
that's had a fortune cookie
in the last 20 years
has eaten this thing's poop.
Fortune cookies are alien poop.
These fortunes are so basic.
Why wouldn't you use this power
to change the world?
Or at least get Nintendo
to make a portable VR headset?
Ooh, this place ain't
for creatin' the future,
but controllin' it.
Hi, I'm Old.
Old M. Hucksbee.
The "M" stands
for "Man."
You're an arch little character.
You're the reason
fortune cookies suck?
No, no, no,
that's Jenneth Chunt's idea.
You have to glut the marketplace
with pointless fortunes
to increase the value
of real ones.
Controlling destiny
for a price...
That's the Fortune 500's
fortune.
And you're trying
to [burps] stop them?
Just tryin' to get out.
I want to be free
with this here alien gal
so we can get married.
Then we can have relations.
Can't do that before marriage,
you know.
I'm a Catholic.
Uh, does the alien want that?
It's not exactly what I'd call
a sentient species.
A man knows.
What does this
have to do with me?
You put this in my cookie.
Yep. Oh, I've been tryin'
to get people's attention.
I'd make fortunes saying,
"You're a-gonna break your leg
unless you investigate
this cookie company,"
or, "Please come help me
or a virus will
shut down the world."
Finally I just made
a bunch that said,
"You're gonna have sex
with your own momma."
How many? It...
What happened to the others?
I 'spose they fucked their moms.
Now let's cut her chains
and get the hell outta here.
[ Thud ]
Well, shit on a spaghetti.
Hello, Jerry Smith.
Glad you could join us on
Bring Your Mother to Work day.
Mom!
Hi, Jerry.
Your friends picked me up
in a limousine.
They said you won something,
and I should be the one
to give it to you.
You sick fucks.
Are you guys
enjoying this?
I used to think I was just
a regular white woman.
Then I discovered
I could control my destiny.
All white women think that.
The truth is, this alien
crashed in your yard
and you ate its shit.
How dare you!
What's your name?
How dare you?!
We should've blown up
the building.
Doesn't matter.
All I was gonna say is,
"Guess what, insert name?
Time for you to eat shit."
But first...
[ Grunts ]
Aah!
Oh, no!
I'm so wet!
Ah! No!
Jerry!
Come back and block bullets.
Authorizing the use
of prototype fortunes.
[ All crunch ]
[ Gunfire ]
Fuck!
You can't hide!
My fortune said,
"Headshots only."
[ Morty grunting ]
Harry! Greg! Lashawn!
Dave C.! Dave M.!
Noooo!
You piece of shit,
you killed my friends.
Oh!
Alright, what does
the future hold?
Aah!
Maybe I can Pokémon this shit.
Blast him,
or we're both gonna die.
Oh, God! Oh, God!
Aaah!
Whoa!
You control control water.
Like, the water inside a guy.
That's a gross power.
[ Gunfire ]
I'm gonna let you live
because your fortune sucks.
You can't kill me!
I can't be killed!
Trust me, that's not as good
as it sounds.
Aaaaaaah!
Ah! Ah! Aah!
Oh, it hurts!
It burns!
Fuck!
Oh, my God! My ribs!
I can feel my shattered ribs!
[ Gunfire ]
♪♪
Shit, these are useless.
Where are the fighting fortunes?
Ah, no-no-no-no-no!
Those are blanks!
Without fortunes, the effects
are completely unpredictable!
Alright.
♪♪
[ Gulps ]
♪♪
I am the son of God!
Ah!
Jerry's mom:
Jerry!
[ Sobbing ]
Help me, Jerry!
Mom! Stay away!
Just stay away!
Come on and fuck already!
Ma'am, is it possible
we're being given a chance
to take a step back
and examine our behavior?
[ Baby crying ]
You can't kill me, old man.
I also have
an unresolved fortune.
"The most successful
businesswoman on Earth?"
You could do anything you wanted
and you chose... work?
[ Chuckles ] Every day I get
closer to an unattainable goal.
A one-woman lifestyle brand,
forever!
Well, I just used
a dark web account
to hack Goldman Sachs,
remove trillions of dollars,
and purchase everything
your company offers.
Congratulations!
You're officially
the most successful
businesswoman on Earth.
Fortune fulfilled.
And now I'm emptying
your bank accounts
and giving the money
back to Goldman Sachs,
because I sit dead-center
on the alignment chart.
You son of a bitch!
How does it feel
to achieve your dreams?
Empty, right?
Like when DiCaprio
won the Oscar.
You could see it in his face.
[ Echoing] I still have
one more dream...
Watching you die, Rick Sanchez!
Ha! You knew my name!
♪♪
[ Roars ]
[ Screams ]
She's free! Run!
Run, my beauty!
[ Roars ]
Well, butterfly on a corncob.
I see that I've romanticized
a wild animal
the same way Margaret Howe did
when she jerked off
that dolphin in the 19-and-60s.
Both she and I assaulted
a captive creature
and expected it
to be reciprocal.
[ Thud ]
Welp, joopityboot.
Time to die.
[ Roars ]
Ah!
Follow me, my queen!
That's all the bad guys down.
We almost got this, Jer.
Ah!
♪♪
No!
Oh, sticks-to-walls guy,
I-I-I guess we were both wrong.
Oh, God.
[ Rumbling ]
[ Roars ]
Oh! Ah!
Ah! Oh!
[ Screams ]
Aaaah!
Rick! Please!
Jerry, I've got the creature.
I knew it.
I knew it.
God damn it!
Aaaaaaaah!
Oh, God!
Aaaaah!
God damn it.
[ Screams ]
Ah. Holy shit,
that was close.
Close to what?
Close to everyone but your son
getting anything
they want forever.
You saved me.
I will never stop
holding this over you,
as if that buys me anything.
We should get you
some clothes, son.
Oh, oh!
[ Exciting music plays ]
♪♪
I can just feel the savings.
Hey, wait, uh...
Got this at the crazy place
we just were.
It may look like someone
stuck a hand-written fortune
in there last second,
but I'm pretty sure
that's just the way it came.
Besides,
these don't mean anything.
[ Crunches ]
Jerry, while I appreciate
the sentiment,
this is a huge waste
of the last real fortune.
Oh. I'm sorry.
I just...
It's cool, it's cool.
Thanks, friend.
Friend?!
Did you just say friend?
What?
W-W-What did I do?
You fucking idiot!
I'm not your friend!
Why did you think
I was your friend?
Look at this you piece of shit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, so?
I was immortal!
I was immortal
for that whole fight.
All I had to do was
never make a new friend.
Jesus fucking Christ, Jerry.
I'm sorry!
We're not friends!
Yeah, too late, bonehead.
It doesn't say
"new permanent friend."
All friendships end,
especially new ones.
Well, maybe that's a fate
the two of us still control.
[ Crying ]
I'm... I'm sorry I did that.
It's fine.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Man: The zoo. Animals.
Balloons. Moats. Cages.
A fun time for the whole family.
But you don't care about that.
You're a zebra.
You're here for the unparalleled
dining experience
of hand-fed zebra food.
Delicious.
He... Hey, wait.
Don't eat...
Th... That's for the zebras.
It's making you sick!
What are you doing?
Jesus, why have they left
all the zebra-feeding
to the people
who come to the zoo?
Is that the only way
the zebras can get food?
They're so hungry.
What the fuck is happening?
We're out of zebra food.
Okay?
There's no food left.
Don't come to the zoo.
This was supposed to be
a commercial for zebras,
targeted to zebras.
The premise itself
was questionable, but this...
This is a nightmare!
Don't go to the zoo.
Stay away from the zoo.
Oh, God, what are you doing
in the booth?
Get out!
Get out, you're mad with...
[ Gunshot]
Man #2: Ow. Eat it.
Eat zebra food.
Okay, um. I guess I can't
blame Dad for being confused
about what to do
with the zebra food.
Also, I have no idea why
they're running this ad,
like, on a loop?
There were murders in it,
and it was specifically
telling you to do the thing
it didn't want you to do
until the very end,
when it reversed.
Why would they sell
the zebra food in the gift shop,
unless... I mean,
do the zebras shop in here?
Are we the ones in the zoo?
Oh, is that the twist?
Okay, we're... it's a human zoo.
Got it.
Did you get any of that?