Rick and Morty (2013–…): Season 6, Episode 2 - Rick: A Mort Well Lived - full transcript
Morty is trapped and Rick needs to save him, but to do so, Summer must do a Die Hard. This won't be easy because she's never seen it.
Hey, you kids!
Don't be bad outside my store!
I keep a nice store!
Give it up, old man!
We're just cool bad kids
doing young stuff! Chh!
You guys wanna do
more skateboard moves?
Which ones? The
rad ones, that's which!
How are you kids?
Did you know your grandpa's
tryin' to get your attention?
Yeah, yeah, screw off, weirdo.
Grandson, w-w-what's that mean?
He's one of those cult people.
They worship some
psycho named roy
That says he's
everybody's grandpa.
So what do you want to
do today, e-eat some snacks
And maybe let
me kiss you finally?
Y'know, with my mouth and stuff?
This is going on right now.
L-let's go check
it out. Aw, geez.
C-come on, just
for fun, you know?
No, that's not what I'm...
You guys keep thinking
I'm a religious leader.
This isn't a religion.
This is actual truth.
I'm a scientist in real life,
But this isn't real life,
this is a video game.
Y-y-you at least
understand that much, right?
This is a video game?
But you said I'm your grandson?
I'm saying everyone is.
Everyone here, everyone
in this world but me.
You're all my grandson,
your name is morty,
You're stuck in a video game,
and I'm here to get you out.
What about me?
Am I your grandson?
I just said everyone is!
- Wow!
- Incredible!
Okay, okay, but
don't react like that.
It's not a religion. This
is what is happening.
You and me and your
sister are at an arcade
Called blips and chitz.
It's been taken
over by terrorists.
The power went out,
the game restarted,
And your identity
has been splintered
Into all the
non-player characters.
So I jacked in as roy,
that's the player character,
To get you, my grandson, morty,
Out of the game before
it's over and you die.
Okay, question over here.
Am I your grandson? Jesus! Yes!
Every single one of you is
one five-billionth of morty.
All of you,
collectively, are morty.
Look, I-I don't
wanna seem impatient
But there's actually a lot
more that we have to get done
So if this is how
hard it's gonna be,
We are in a lot of trou...
Summer, what?!
I can't do this if you
keep bugging me!
Do you understand time dilation?
I'm losing a month
a second out here.
There's an alien
army shooting people.
What am I doing?!
It's a small group
of alien terrorists.
Just do a "die hard."
what does that mean?
Sneak around, use air vents.
You've never seen "die hard"?
I'm 17. No, I've never
seen "die hard"!
Well, neither did
the guy in "die hard,"
So you're nailing it! Good luck!
Larry...
No, I'm at the end
of my rope with this kid,
I swear to god...
Oh, you gotta be kidding
me! Your beautiful hair!
This is not a
daughter's haircut!
I'm not a daughter,
I'm a grandson.
Your family had a
perfectly fine religion!
You were raised jewish!
Dad, tell me anything
specific about being jewish.
There's a million things!
You go to the temple with
the... The... the special hat,
T-the falafafluten...
Oh, the falafafluten?
Our jewish words are gibberish
Because we're a 14-year-old boy
Who was raised
nondenominational christian
And we're in a video game!
I don't need to hear
this schmoitenheiven!
Let me ask you this,
little miss grandson,
Little miss video
game character.
If you're not my daughter,
why stand in my house
Spouting this chatschkopfka?
Why even live here?
Good question.
There she goes! My daughter!
One five-billionth of a kid
trapped in a video game!
Yeah, that and a college
degree'll pay the rent!
What do you people want?
We have many interests,
But right now my
primary one is the location.
Of. Your. Safe.
We exchange tokens
for digital currency.
We don't have a safe.
Correction, what you
don't have is a head.
Ohh!
Is this a weapon
or a medical tool?
Why would you give me a
gun with a laser that thin?
Did you hear me tell him
he wouldn't have a head?
- He's dead, isn't he?
- People die in surgery.
Hey! Who don't touched me?!
I don't like being touched!
Check the hostages.
Make sure nobody else
here is doing a "die hard."
- Alright! Yeah!
- Aw, geez!
Yeah. Look. I feel like
every time I explain this,
I lose followers, but
this isn't a religion.
And while I do have a message
from a world beyond this one,
And I do need the entire
world to hear my message,
What I do not need is
any more songs about it.
Not in this genre.
I'm an old-school hip-hop man,
And no, that's not an
invitation for you to try it
Because I'm just gonna say it,
We're missing the
mark on diversity.
Get down!
You're all under arrest for
being religious the wrong way!
It's not a religion! You
know what, just shoot me.
You think your god
makes you bulletproof?
There isn't even a
god in the real world,
You fragmented putz.
There's extra no god in here.
You know what, hippie?
Talking like that is
why you're getting shot!
If you kill him, the game
ends and we all die.
Get down, lady! I'm not a lady.
And you're not a soldier.
We're one person, split
into a lot of little pieces.
Y-you feel me? Dawg?
Y-y-you're not gonna
hurt me. You're me.
My name is kevin!
I'm a marine! I'm 30!
I'm a little racist
but my best friend
Is an immigrant
that translated for me
In a generic overseas war!
That's not true.
We're 14, we like
pizza and masturbation,
We wear a yellow shirt,
And we have hair that
looks like a brown helmet.
A-and we miss our family.
And we're in way
over our heads again.
Why's this always happen, man?
I know, right? Aw, geez.
Aw, geez. Come here.
Aw, geez. Come here.
- Aw, geez.
- Aw, geez.
- Aw, geez.
- Aw, geez.
Who is that?
Her video game name is marta.
Okay. See, this I can work with.
"sneak around.
Crawl in some vents.
Do a 'die hard.'"
Oh, my god, it's disgusting!
Actually, it tastes really good.
Oh, my god, it's disgusting
that it tastes good!
Frank, have you
found him? Report.
Oh. Oh. Walkie
talkie. That's "die hard."
Don't have to
see it to know that.
This is jons. I repeat,
have you found him?
Breaker, breaker. Walkie talkie.
I got your walkie talkie. Bitch.
Are you doing a "die hard"?
Maybe.
Are... You? Also?
More or less.
And my associate, frank?
Uh, your associate
frank is definitely not
Doing a "die hard."
You might even say
he's doing a die easy.
Because I killed him
and it wasn't difficult.
Calm yourself, winslow.
Winslow!
Ugh.
It's not every day
one meets a fellow
"die hard" enthusiast, ms...
Call me "die hard."
Okay, die hard.
Tell me. What do you
know about "die hard"?
What do you care? You
writing a book about "die hard"?
As a matter of fact,
I've written several.
Every sentient civilization
across the galaxy
Eventually develops
the same myth.
In centauri, it's
known as "tower man."
The orionese have
their "thornberg cycle."
And in andromeda it's called
"foolish to have imagined
you'd be able to kill."
All of them what
you'd call "die hard."
The difference being
that cultures like mine
Are aware of its importance
whereas I'm starting to doubt
You could even
recall a single line.
Walkie talkie "die hard," mother
Aaah!
Not so long ago,
grandsonism was being dismissed
As a doomsday cult.
But since a majority
of the world decided,
Hey you know what,
we like jerking off
And playing video games
and our sister is out there
Fighting terrorists, major
strides have been made.
The world is united,
because the world
Is one 14-year-old boy, morty.
But where's it all coming from?
Some say
grandsonism's leader, roy,
Has a secret base
somewhere in these mountains.
I-I-I couldn't find it
so I'm standing in...
In the general area
with a microphone.
For good enough news, I'm tony!
There she is, my
right-hand morty!
Got enough spaceships? Not yet.
I figure five more
years of game time
Before I can take the
whole fake population
Into fake outer space.
What do we do in outer space?
Nothing. It's fake.
W-we keep going.
The game's map has edges,
But the game's engine
will let us go past them.
That will force
the game to reset,
But first it will kick us out,
which morty should survive.
I mean, whatever amount
of morty we have on board.
So if you don't have
five billion handkerchiefs
Soaked in chloroform,
I hope you can keep
flipping idiots to our cause.
They're not idiots, grandpa.
They're me. Ha.
You'll know how funny
that is when we get back.
By the way, I had your
genius of a father picked up.
He's over there. What? Why?
I thought you'd be
grateful and less distracted
Than if I let him die.
He's been in real bad
shape since he lost his wife...
My mom?
Your not-at-all-real mom,
a mom in a video game.
Occupied by a tiny
fraction of yourself.
A fraction of yourself
which is now dead forever,
And fractions add up, so I
had your dad brought here.
You're welcome,
you heartless monster.
Marta. It's me, dad.
I converted for you.
My name is morty. So is yours.
And there's no conversion.
We're both morty. It's a fact.
Sure, honey, anything you say.
I don't want to fight.
I'm proud of you.
Are you mad at me
because before you became
The world's most powerful
woman, I shamed you for your haircut
And called you a
slutty jobless hobo?
If I were you, I'd be
a little mad about that.
You are me. A-and why
would I be mad at myself?
Good point! Is there anything
to... to eat around here?
There's a kitchenette
in the break room.
Oh, a kitchenette you say.
Such red carpet treatment.
Excuse me? I said
thank you, I love it,
We... we... We're
all part of morty!
Some of us more
important parts than others...
Man, the part of me
that's my father is a
That's also gonna be
funny when we get back.
Next time you try
to do a "die hard,"
Don't hide under a long table
like the guy from "die hard."
Okay, I won't.
I thought you said she doesn't
know how to do a "die hard"!
She doesn't. She's
killing us off one by one!
What do you expect her to
do, buy us each an ice cream?
Two by two? She's improvising.
Which is how she's going
to fall right into our trap.
I'm going to wander
the arcade unarmed,
And when she comes across
me, I'll pretend to be a hostage.
And because she
hasn't seen "die hard,"
Instead of handing
me an unloaded gun,
She'll hand me a... ugh!
"die hard"! "die
hard"! "die hard"!
What the hell was that?!
"die hard"! "die hard"!
You can't just keep
yelling "die hard"
Into a walkie talkie and... ugh!
She threw her
walkie talkie away!
She hates "die hard"!
Which makes her
the ultimate mcclane.
Forget everything you
know about "die hard"
And just go shoot that bitch!
Thank you
for meeting with me, mr. Roy.
Half the country hangs
on your every word.
Heck, most of the world.
You're, like, uh, kind
of a pope, I reckon.
L... I'm not a pope
because it's not a religion.
We're literally in a video game.
I've heard the message, roy.
You're not on the clock here.
So you want every single
person on a spaceship.
But you got a bunch of holdouts.
Maybe people that prefer their
leaders a little more elected.
Right. Your voters.
People that like
being told what to do
But don't like admitting it.
Yeah, not sure
I'd put it that way.
I'm sure you'd
put it a stupid way.
I told you this was
a waste of time.
I've got 92% of you
ready to vamoose.
We're not gonna get the rest
by making deals with parasites.
Mr. President, roy is rick.
He's not us. You
and I, w-we're morty.
Is that really so
hard to believe?
Kid, I've known it
and I've believed it
Longer than you have.
We both became video game
characters at the same moment,
But I knew the truth before
you dropped your skateboard
And went to your
first cult meeting.
How do you think a guy becomes
a president in this game, honey?
By not paying attention?
Sorry to call you honey,
I know we're both parts
of a 14-year-old boy,
But my part's old-fashioned
and vaguely southern.
I'm confused. If... if you
know rick is real, why...
Why hold out? Because
he's a rude, entitled
He's here to save us.
He... he could've left
the game and let us die.
He's spent 50 years...
50 years, it's what, a
couple hours to him?
He refuses to leave
without his grandson,
But what's grandson mean to him?
Sounds like it means butler.
Someone to "help
summer with her 'die hard, '"
Whatever that means.
I'll tell you what
it doesn't mean.
Fly fishing. A hug.
A little appreciation for what
is clearly a pretty decent kid.
At least the 8% of him that
makes up the decent half
Of the greatest god
damn nation on the planet.
We're not a person to him yet.
We're not morty yet.
We-we're divided.
We're divided because some
of us doesn't trust the guy.
What happens to that part of
us when we're all back together?
One morty? Indivisible?
Under a cranky old bag of dicks?
A man you can lock in a
box with five billion pieces
Of his own god
damn flesh and blood
For 50 god damn simulated years
And never hear
him say "I love you"?
Sorry, pumpkin tits,
that dog don't hunt.
Wa-want some heroin?
I-it's a video game,
might as well.
Just about
ready for launch, kiddo.
I can finally get
outta these clothes.
I don't have nearly
enough pockets.
And it'll be nice to
have my own dick back.
Y-you're fine leaving
8% of me to die?
It's not your finest 8%, morty.
And 8% of anything
is expendable.
8% of pizza is crust.
8% of the snyder cut
was batman dreaming.
I don't know what
that reference is!
We're in a video game!
Not for long, baby!
I'm not leaving
without all of me.
What? Oh, no, let me
crunch these numbers.
8% of five billion
plus one person...
My god, if you stay, it
changes nothing! Bye.
If she's not going, I don't
think my country wants to go.
Who invited you to
chime in, monitor face?
Why give me a monitor if
my opinion doesn't matter?
Your opinion isn't allowed
to matter for the rest of us.
We're all a-morty.
How many chunks of us are
we a-supposed to give up?
Look, I don't know about
you, but I was already
Taking a big
leap of faith, here.
We-we're basically
giving up our lives
To become a tiny
part of a stranger...
These lives aren't a-real!
Yeah, but they're longer!
What... what is this,
suicide by summit meeting?
Everyone stop.
Rick, I'll get every
single part of me
To get on every ship
and go with you. Good.
But you have to
tell us you love us.
I mean, at this point
even if he said it,
What... what...
What's with the pause?
Screw you, wait for it!
- Holy war!
- Holier war!
Holiest war ever!
Loyalist
evacucratic grandsonistas
Claimed seven new cities today
While the stayputlican
contrasurgent confederation
Of dedication to
video game reality
Invaded the
territories of mortopia,
New south saint
morty, and wemortyall.
In the end, what does it
matter, everyone's morty,
Nobody wants to die,
and that's a hell of a reason
To kill yourself,
but what can we do?
Aw, geez.
You know you're my grandson
and none of this is real!
What are you trying to achieve?
You're only hurting yourself!
The only reason any of us
matter is we're pieces of morty!
You taught us that, rick.
But you also taught us
you don't care about morty.
Here's how much I care.
If you don't stop blowing
up my flying saucers,
I will exterminate
every last one of you!
Anything it takes!
What do I have to say? I
love and respect you, okay?
Too late for talk, rick.
A robot. Of course.
I'm not gonna risk dying
because if I die in the game,
You go brain dead,
you're welcome!
Better to die in roy
than to serve in hell!
And what about summer?
Do... do you not care about her?
We gotta get back,
morty. We gotta help her.
You know what, wherever she is,
I'm sure she's doing
fine without your help.
Woof, jinx, anyone?
Should we finish the
job, b-blow the place?
No, this can't
end, not like this.
Do you think I jinxed her?
Why aren't you shooting higher?
I don't wanna shoot
the glass. Because...
You don't have to not do things
that were done in "die hard."
You can shoot the
glass. Shoot the glass!
Throw grenades! Do everything!
Just kill her!
Why are you here, miss die hard?
I want to know why
you don't just leave.
"die hard"!
Wait. Shh. Shh.
Aw, geez, we get
every single person on a spaceship,
And then what? And then we
help your sister do her "die hard."
Too much. It's too much.
Ooh, sorry.
I've got a special guest
with me, ms. Die hard!
Or should I call you...
This guy's sister?
Mom.
Hello, dear. I'm
joining the other side.
What? Why?
I wanna live in the
real world with roy.
I wanna help summer
with her die hard."
His name is rick. And we
have no way of knowing
If your generation is
actually part of morty.
Do you know how
offensive that is?
It's parenting like
this that pushed me
Into religious radicalism.
Bye. It's not...
Not a religion.
But okay.
Ma'am, it's really
not safe out here.
Also, it's... Time.
Are we going on
the spaceship now?
Pretty soon, dad. Yeah.
Are you... Lying?
You kind of said it with
that tone in your voice
That we use for dying people.
I won't lie to you.
You're dying, dad.
And we're...
Not leaving the video game.
We're... we're gonna
live our lives out here.
What? Why the
Why? It's more real here.
The hell it is! My liver hurts!
I'm old here!
I wanna be a teenage boy!
I want to jump around
and do homework
And jerk off all over the place.
But, dad, that's...
We would've been
one tiny part of that.
In here, we get to
be who we really are.
Yeah. Great. Dead.
I get to be a dead father.
Who do I make the...
who do I... who...
Don't talk, dad.
Gotta finish my zinger
You don't.
Who do... who do...
Who do I make the check out to?
"best daughter ever...
Incorporated"?
Thought you woulda left by now.
I was hoping to get at
least half of you home.
I can't hold out much longer.
I-I'm pretty much beating my
heart voluntarily at this point.
Okay, this is a little awkward,
But the time dilation has
given me a chance to reflect.
And I-I-I gotta say...
There's no need for that.
I've come to tell you,
I'm giving the go-ahead.
All of morty will
leave with you.
To the real world.
To be your grandson,
May we help summer
do her "die hard."
I-I gotta say, I-I was
not expecting that.
W-why the change of heart?
My people are staying
only out of loyalty to me.
I'm a relic.
I don't represent them anymore.
You really are a good
grandson, you know that?
I'm proud of you, morty.
Please, call me marta.
That's my video game name.
Speaking of which, I
do have one condition.
I must say I admire
you, ms. Die hard.
You were a genuine mcclane...
A most worthy
yankee doodle ruffian.
But now it's all come to an end.
And the quarterback,
as they say, is toast.
I don't suppose you have
a gun taped to your back.
What the hell does that mean?
It's how "die hard"
ends. Doesn't matter now.
"die hard" tapes
a gun to his back?
That's the end of
your perfect movie
That you've patterned
your whole criminal life after?
Well, it seems to have
worked out pretty well for me
Since you're the
one about to die.
What was it you said? Ah, yes.
"walkie talkie 'die
hard, ' mother"
Why are you laughing?
Well, it's funny.
The way you said mother
Just laughing.
Okay. It's just that...
Oh, does that
happen in "die hard"?
Does john mcclane laugh,
And then hans gruber is confused
But then they start laughing
together for a second?
That actually does happen, yes!
Wait. You knew their
names this whole time?
Not this whole time, no.
You left your book
in the bathroom.
I read it while I took a shit.
I mean, mostly the ending.
Yiiiiiiiiiii...
Ippppppeeeeeeeee...
Oh. Dippee doo, baby!
Nice timing, grandpa rick!
Tochter aus elysium...
Uh... Hi, remember me?
You shot me on that table,
And the near-death
experience got me reflecting.
I didn't used to be like this.
I-I... Uh, ate a kid.
It was dark, and I thought
he was a grown-up.
Ever since then, I haven't
eaten anybody at all.
I think I was channeling
all that pent-up
Eating energy into this job.
But now...
Thank you for freeing me.
Classic "tower man."
Almost too on the
nose. Right, morty?
Sure. I mean,
whatever you say, rick.
Y-you know best! I
trust you implicitly.
Is he alright?
Oh, yeah, he's fine.
Got him all out,
every last piece.
What's with the
jacked-up "roy" machine?
Shouldn't you be
taking that to repairs?
Nah, special order.
Some rich douche wants
his last game to keep running.
Hooked it up to
an external battery.
We're just supposed to store it.
Weird. Yeah, and get this.
The game's still
going, but roy's dead.
What? Yeah, he's just a corpse
Floating at the
edge of outer space,
But for some reason
the game won't restart
'cause it's centered on
some old lady living a full life.
Hmm. Sounds bad.
Well, put it in there.
Hey is anybody that wants
this later gonna be able to...
Huh? Oh, yeah, everything's
cataloged and tracked.
People got the wrong idea
from the size of the space,
But it's all
supported digitally.
So I can put it
anywhere. Here's fine?
That's as fine as anywhere else!
Why isn't anyone attacking him?
It's freezing out.
No, I think it's the sign.
Well, the sign from "die
hard 3" was clearly racist.
Obviously. But I think
we went too broad.
"everybody"? I mean,
who is that offending?
Everybody?
At this point, why even do it?
I wish my brother
was still alive.
Did you get any of that?
Don't be bad outside my store!
I keep a nice store!
Give it up, old man!
We're just cool bad kids
doing young stuff! Chh!
You guys wanna do
more skateboard moves?
Which ones? The
rad ones, that's which!
How are you kids?
Did you know your grandpa's
tryin' to get your attention?
Yeah, yeah, screw off, weirdo.
Grandson, w-w-what's that mean?
He's one of those cult people.
They worship some
psycho named roy
That says he's
everybody's grandpa.
So what do you want to
do today, e-eat some snacks
And maybe let
me kiss you finally?
Y'know, with my mouth and stuff?
This is going on right now.
L-let's go check
it out. Aw, geez.
C-come on, just
for fun, you know?
No, that's not what I'm...
You guys keep thinking
I'm a religious leader.
This isn't a religion.
This is actual truth.
I'm a scientist in real life,
But this isn't real life,
this is a video game.
Y-y-you at least
understand that much, right?
This is a video game?
But you said I'm your grandson?
I'm saying everyone is.
Everyone here, everyone
in this world but me.
You're all my grandson,
your name is morty,
You're stuck in a video game,
and I'm here to get you out.
What about me?
Am I your grandson?
I just said everyone is!
- Wow!
- Incredible!
Okay, okay, but
don't react like that.
It's not a religion. This
is what is happening.
You and me and your
sister are at an arcade
Called blips and chitz.
It's been taken
over by terrorists.
The power went out,
the game restarted,
And your identity
has been splintered
Into all the
non-player characters.
So I jacked in as roy,
that's the player character,
To get you, my grandson, morty,
Out of the game before
it's over and you die.
Okay, question over here.
Am I your grandson? Jesus! Yes!
Every single one of you is
one five-billionth of morty.
All of you,
collectively, are morty.
Look, I-I don't
wanna seem impatient
But there's actually a lot
more that we have to get done
So if this is how
hard it's gonna be,
We are in a lot of trou...
Summer, what?!
I can't do this if you
keep bugging me!
Do you understand time dilation?
I'm losing a month
a second out here.
There's an alien
army shooting people.
What am I doing?!
It's a small group
of alien terrorists.
Just do a "die hard."
what does that mean?
Sneak around, use air vents.
You've never seen "die hard"?
I'm 17. No, I've never
seen "die hard"!
Well, neither did
the guy in "die hard,"
So you're nailing it! Good luck!
Larry...
No, I'm at the end
of my rope with this kid,
I swear to god...
Oh, you gotta be kidding
me! Your beautiful hair!
This is not a
daughter's haircut!
I'm not a daughter,
I'm a grandson.
Your family had a
perfectly fine religion!
You were raised jewish!
Dad, tell me anything
specific about being jewish.
There's a million things!
You go to the temple with
the... The... the special hat,
T-the falafafluten...
Oh, the falafafluten?
Our jewish words are gibberish
Because we're a 14-year-old boy
Who was raised
nondenominational christian
And we're in a video game!
I don't need to hear
this schmoitenheiven!
Let me ask you this,
little miss grandson,
Little miss video
game character.
If you're not my daughter,
why stand in my house
Spouting this chatschkopfka?
Why even live here?
Good question.
There she goes! My daughter!
One five-billionth of a kid
trapped in a video game!
Yeah, that and a college
degree'll pay the rent!
What do you people want?
We have many interests,
But right now my
primary one is the location.
Of. Your. Safe.
We exchange tokens
for digital currency.
We don't have a safe.
Correction, what you
don't have is a head.
Ohh!
Is this a weapon
or a medical tool?
Why would you give me a
gun with a laser that thin?
Did you hear me tell him
he wouldn't have a head?
- He's dead, isn't he?
- People die in surgery.
Hey! Who don't touched me?!
I don't like being touched!
Check the hostages.
Make sure nobody else
here is doing a "die hard."
- Alright! Yeah!
- Aw, geez!
Yeah. Look. I feel like
every time I explain this,
I lose followers, but
this isn't a religion.
And while I do have a message
from a world beyond this one,
And I do need the entire
world to hear my message,
What I do not need is
any more songs about it.
Not in this genre.
I'm an old-school hip-hop man,
And no, that's not an
invitation for you to try it
Because I'm just gonna say it,
We're missing the
mark on diversity.
Get down!
You're all under arrest for
being religious the wrong way!
It's not a religion! You
know what, just shoot me.
You think your god
makes you bulletproof?
There isn't even a
god in the real world,
You fragmented putz.
There's extra no god in here.
You know what, hippie?
Talking like that is
why you're getting shot!
If you kill him, the game
ends and we all die.
Get down, lady! I'm not a lady.
And you're not a soldier.
We're one person, split
into a lot of little pieces.
Y-you feel me? Dawg?
Y-y-you're not gonna
hurt me. You're me.
My name is kevin!
I'm a marine! I'm 30!
I'm a little racist
but my best friend
Is an immigrant
that translated for me
In a generic overseas war!
That's not true.
We're 14, we like
pizza and masturbation,
We wear a yellow shirt,
And we have hair that
looks like a brown helmet.
A-and we miss our family.
And we're in way
over our heads again.
Why's this always happen, man?
I know, right? Aw, geez.
Aw, geez. Come here.
Aw, geez. Come here.
- Aw, geez.
- Aw, geez.
- Aw, geez.
- Aw, geez.
Who is that?
Her video game name is marta.
Okay. See, this I can work with.
"sneak around.
Crawl in some vents.
Do a 'die hard.'"
Oh, my god, it's disgusting!
Actually, it tastes really good.
Oh, my god, it's disgusting
that it tastes good!
Frank, have you
found him? Report.
Oh. Oh. Walkie
talkie. That's "die hard."
Don't have to
see it to know that.
This is jons. I repeat,
have you found him?
Breaker, breaker. Walkie talkie.
I got your walkie talkie. Bitch.
Are you doing a "die hard"?
Maybe.
Are... You? Also?
More or less.
And my associate, frank?
Uh, your associate
frank is definitely not
Doing a "die hard."
You might even say
he's doing a die easy.
Because I killed him
and it wasn't difficult.
Calm yourself, winslow.
Winslow!
Ugh.
It's not every day
one meets a fellow
"die hard" enthusiast, ms...
Call me "die hard."
Okay, die hard.
Tell me. What do you
know about "die hard"?
What do you care? You
writing a book about "die hard"?
As a matter of fact,
I've written several.
Every sentient civilization
across the galaxy
Eventually develops
the same myth.
In centauri, it's
known as "tower man."
The orionese have
their "thornberg cycle."
And in andromeda it's called
"foolish to have imagined
you'd be able to kill."
All of them what
you'd call "die hard."
The difference being
that cultures like mine
Are aware of its importance
whereas I'm starting to doubt
You could even
recall a single line.
Walkie talkie "die hard," mother
Aaah!
Not so long ago,
grandsonism was being dismissed
As a doomsday cult.
But since a majority
of the world decided,
Hey you know what,
we like jerking off
And playing video games
and our sister is out there
Fighting terrorists, major
strides have been made.
The world is united,
because the world
Is one 14-year-old boy, morty.
But where's it all coming from?
Some say
grandsonism's leader, roy,
Has a secret base
somewhere in these mountains.
I-I-I couldn't find it
so I'm standing in...
In the general area
with a microphone.
For good enough news, I'm tony!
There she is, my
right-hand morty!
Got enough spaceships? Not yet.
I figure five more
years of game time
Before I can take the
whole fake population
Into fake outer space.
What do we do in outer space?
Nothing. It's fake.
W-we keep going.
The game's map has edges,
But the game's engine
will let us go past them.
That will force
the game to reset,
But first it will kick us out,
which morty should survive.
I mean, whatever amount
of morty we have on board.
So if you don't have
five billion handkerchiefs
Soaked in chloroform,
I hope you can keep
flipping idiots to our cause.
They're not idiots, grandpa.
They're me. Ha.
You'll know how funny
that is when we get back.
By the way, I had your
genius of a father picked up.
He's over there. What? Why?
I thought you'd be
grateful and less distracted
Than if I let him die.
He's been in real bad
shape since he lost his wife...
My mom?
Your not-at-all-real mom,
a mom in a video game.
Occupied by a tiny
fraction of yourself.
A fraction of yourself
which is now dead forever,
And fractions add up, so I
had your dad brought here.
You're welcome,
you heartless monster.
Marta. It's me, dad.
I converted for you.
My name is morty. So is yours.
And there's no conversion.
We're both morty. It's a fact.
Sure, honey, anything you say.
I don't want to fight.
I'm proud of you.
Are you mad at me
because before you became
The world's most powerful
woman, I shamed you for your haircut
And called you a
slutty jobless hobo?
If I were you, I'd be
a little mad about that.
You are me. A-and why
would I be mad at myself?
Good point! Is there anything
to... to eat around here?
There's a kitchenette
in the break room.
Oh, a kitchenette you say.
Such red carpet treatment.
Excuse me? I said
thank you, I love it,
We... we... We're
all part of morty!
Some of us more
important parts than others...
Man, the part of me
that's my father is a
That's also gonna be
funny when we get back.
Next time you try
to do a "die hard,"
Don't hide under a long table
like the guy from "die hard."
Okay, I won't.
I thought you said she doesn't
know how to do a "die hard"!
She doesn't. She's
killing us off one by one!
What do you expect her to
do, buy us each an ice cream?
Two by two? She's improvising.
Which is how she's going
to fall right into our trap.
I'm going to wander
the arcade unarmed,
And when she comes across
me, I'll pretend to be a hostage.
And because she
hasn't seen "die hard,"
Instead of handing
me an unloaded gun,
She'll hand me a... ugh!
"die hard"! "die
hard"! "die hard"!
What the hell was that?!
"die hard"! "die hard"!
You can't just keep
yelling "die hard"
Into a walkie talkie and... ugh!
She threw her
walkie talkie away!
She hates "die hard"!
Which makes her
the ultimate mcclane.
Forget everything you
know about "die hard"
And just go shoot that bitch!
Thank you
for meeting with me, mr. Roy.
Half the country hangs
on your every word.
Heck, most of the world.
You're, like, uh, kind
of a pope, I reckon.
L... I'm not a pope
because it's not a religion.
We're literally in a video game.
I've heard the message, roy.
You're not on the clock here.
So you want every single
person on a spaceship.
But you got a bunch of holdouts.
Maybe people that prefer their
leaders a little more elected.
Right. Your voters.
People that like
being told what to do
But don't like admitting it.
Yeah, not sure
I'd put it that way.
I'm sure you'd
put it a stupid way.
I told you this was
a waste of time.
I've got 92% of you
ready to vamoose.
We're not gonna get the rest
by making deals with parasites.
Mr. President, roy is rick.
He's not us. You
and I, w-we're morty.
Is that really so
hard to believe?
Kid, I've known it
and I've believed it
Longer than you have.
We both became video game
characters at the same moment,
But I knew the truth before
you dropped your skateboard
And went to your
first cult meeting.
How do you think a guy becomes
a president in this game, honey?
By not paying attention?
Sorry to call you honey,
I know we're both parts
of a 14-year-old boy,
But my part's old-fashioned
and vaguely southern.
I'm confused. If... if you
know rick is real, why...
Why hold out? Because
he's a rude, entitled
He's here to save us.
He... he could've left
the game and let us die.
He's spent 50 years...
50 years, it's what, a
couple hours to him?
He refuses to leave
without his grandson,
But what's grandson mean to him?
Sounds like it means butler.
Someone to "help
summer with her 'die hard, '"
Whatever that means.
I'll tell you what
it doesn't mean.
Fly fishing. A hug.
A little appreciation for what
is clearly a pretty decent kid.
At least the 8% of him that
makes up the decent half
Of the greatest god
damn nation on the planet.
We're not a person to him yet.
We're not morty yet.
We-we're divided.
We're divided because some
of us doesn't trust the guy.
What happens to that part of
us when we're all back together?
One morty? Indivisible?
Under a cranky old bag of dicks?
A man you can lock in a
box with five billion pieces
Of his own god
damn flesh and blood
For 50 god damn simulated years
And never hear
him say "I love you"?
Sorry, pumpkin tits,
that dog don't hunt.
Wa-want some heroin?
I-it's a video game,
might as well.
Just about
ready for launch, kiddo.
I can finally get
outta these clothes.
I don't have nearly
enough pockets.
And it'll be nice to
have my own dick back.
Y-you're fine leaving
8% of me to die?
It's not your finest 8%, morty.
And 8% of anything
is expendable.
8% of pizza is crust.
8% of the snyder cut
was batman dreaming.
I don't know what
that reference is!
We're in a video game!
Not for long, baby!
I'm not leaving
without all of me.
What? Oh, no, let me
crunch these numbers.
8% of five billion
plus one person...
My god, if you stay, it
changes nothing! Bye.
If she's not going, I don't
think my country wants to go.
Who invited you to
chime in, monitor face?
Why give me a monitor if
my opinion doesn't matter?
Your opinion isn't allowed
to matter for the rest of us.
We're all a-morty.
How many chunks of us are
we a-supposed to give up?
Look, I don't know about
you, but I was already
Taking a big
leap of faith, here.
We-we're basically
giving up our lives
To become a tiny
part of a stranger...
These lives aren't a-real!
Yeah, but they're longer!
What... what is this,
suicide by summit meeting?
Everyone stop.
Rick, I'll get every
single part of me
To get on every ship
and go with you. Good.
But you have to
tell us you love us.
I mean, at this point
even if he said it,
What... what...
What's with the pause?
Screw you, wait for it!
- Holy war!
- Holier war!
Holiest war ever!
Loyalist
evacucratic grandsonistas
Claimed seven new cities today
While the stayputlican
contrasurgent confederation
Of dedication to
video game reality
Invaded the
territories of mortopia,
New south saint
morty, and wemortyall.
In the end, what does it
matter, everyone's morty,
Nobody wants to die,
and that's a hell of a reason
To kill yourself,
but what can we do?
Aw, geez.
You know you're my grandson
and none of this is real!
What are you trying to achieve?
You're only hurting yourself!
The only reason any of us
matter is we're pieces of morty!
You taught us that, rick.
But you also taught us
you don't care about morty.
Here's how much I care.
If you don't stop blowing
up my flying saucers,
I will exterminate
every last one of you!
Anything it takes!
What do I have to say? I
love and respect you, okay?
Too late for talk, rick.
A robot. Of course.
I'm not gonna risk dying
because if I die in the game,
You go brain dead,
you're welcome!
Better to die in roy
than to serve in hell!
And what about summer?
Do... do you not care about her?
We gotta get back,
morty. We gotta help her.
You know what, wherever she is,
I'm sure she's doing
fine without your help.
Woof, jinx, anyone?
Should we finish the
job, b-blow the place?
No, this can't
end, not like this.
Do you think I jinxed her?
Why aren't you shooting higher?
I don't wanna shoot
the glass. Because...
You don't have to not do things
that were done in "die hard."
You can shoot the
glass. Shoot the glass!
Throw grenades! Do everything!
Just kill her!
Why are you here, miss die hard?
I want to know why
you don't just leave.
"die hard"!
Wait. Shh. Shh.
Aw, geez, we get
every single person on a spaceship,
And then what? And then we
help your sister do her "die hard."
Too much. It's too much.
Ooh, sorry.
I've got a special guest
with me, ms. Die hard!
Or should I call you...
This guy's sister?
Mom.
Hello, dear. I'm
joining the other side.
What? Why?
I wanna live in the
real world with roy.
I wanna help summer
with her die hard."
His name is rick. And we
have no way of knowing
If your generation is
actually part of morty.
Do you know how
offensive that is?
It's parenting like
this that pushed me
Into religious radicalism.
Bye. It's not...
Not a religion.
But okay.
Ma'am, it's really
not safe out here.
Also, it's... Time.
Are we going on
the spaceship now?
Pretty soon, dad. Yeah.
Are you... Lying?
You kind of said it with
that tone in your voice
That we use for dying people.
I won't lie to you.
You're dying, dad.
And we're...
Not leaving the video game.
We're... we're gonna
live our lives out here.
What? Why the
Why? It's more real here.
The hell it is! My liver hurts!
I'm old here!
I wanna be a teenage boy!
I want to jump around
and do homework
And jerk off all over the place.
But, dad, that's...
We would've been
one tiny part of that.
In here, we get to
be who we really are.
Yeah. Great. Dead.
I get to be a dead father.
Who do I make the...
who do I... who...
Don't talk, dad.
Gotta finish my zinger
You don't.
Who do... who do...
Who do I make the check out to?
"best daughter ever...
Incorporated"?
Thought you woulda left by now.
I was hoping to get at
least half of you home.
I can't hold out much longer.
I-I'm pretty much beating my
heart voluntarily at this point.
Okay, this is a little awkward,
But the time dilation has
given me a chance to reflect.
And I-I-I gotta say...
There's no need for that.
I've come to tell you,
I'm giving the go-ahead.
All of morty will
leave with you.
To the real world.
To be your grandson,
May we help summer
do her "die hard."
I-I gotta say, I-I was
not expecting that.
W-why the change of heart?
My people are staying
only out of loyalty to me.
I'm a relic.
I don't represent them anymore.
You really are a good
grandson, you know that?
I'm proud of you, morty.
Please, call me marta.
That's my video game name.
Speaking of which, I
do have one condition.
I must say I admire
you, ms. Die hard.
You were a genuine mcclane...
A most worthy
yankee doodle ruffian.
But now it's all come to an end.
And the quarterback,
as they say, is toast.
I don't suppose you have
a gun taped to your back.
What the hell does that mean?
It's how "die hard"
ends. Doesn't matter now.
"die hard" tapes
a gun to his back?
That's the end of
your perfect movie
That you've patterned
your whole criminal life after?
Well, it seems to have
worked out pretty well for me
Since you're the
one about to die.
What was it you said? Ah, yes.
"walkie talkie 'die
hard, ' mother"
Why are you laughing?
Well, it's funny.
The way you said mother
Just laughing.
Okay. It's just that...
Oh, does that
happen in "die hard"?
Does john mcclane laugh,
And then hans gruber is confused
But then they start laughing
together for a second?
That actually does happen, yes!
Wait. You knew their
names this whole time?
Not this whole time, no.
You left your book
in the bathroom.
I read it while I took a shit.
I mean, mostly the ending.
Yiiiiiiiiiii...
Ippppppeeeeeeeee...
Oh. Dippee doo, baby!
Nice timing, grandpa rick!
Tochter aus elysium...
Uh... Hi, remember me?
You shot me on that table,
And the near-death
experience got me reflecting.
I didn't used to be like this.
I-I... Uh, ate a kid.
It was dark, and I thought
he was a grown-up.
Ever since then, I haven't
eaten anybody at all.
I think I was channeling
all that pent-up
Eating energy into this job.
But now...
Thank you for freeing me.
Classic "tower man."
Almost too on the
nose. Right, morty?
Sure. I mean,
whatever you say, rick.
Y-you know best! I
trust you implicitly.
Is he alright?
Oh, yeah, he's fine.
Got him all out,
every last piece.
What's with the
jacked-up "roy" machine?
Shouldn't you be
taking that to repairs?
Nah, special order.
Some rich douche wants
his last game to keep running.
Hooked it up to
an external battery.
We're just supposed to store it.
Weird. Yeah, and get this.
The game's still
going, but roy's dead.
What? Yeah, he's just a corpse
Floating at the
edge of outer space,
But for some reason
the game won't restart
'cause it's centered on
some old lady living a full life.
Hmm. Sounds bad.
Well, put it in there.
Hey is anybody that wants
this later gonna be able to...
Huh? Oh, yeah, everything's
cataloged and tracked.
People got the wrong idea
from the size of the space,
But it's all
supported digitally.
So I can put it
anywhere. Here's fine?
That's as fine as anywhere else!
Why isn't anyone attacking him?
It's freezing out.
No, I think it's the sign.
Well, the sign from "die
hard 3" was clearly racist.
Obviously. But I think
we went too broad.
"everybody"? I mean,
who is that offending?
Everybody?
At this point, why even do it?
I wish my brother
was still alive.
Did you get any of that?