Rick and Morty (2013–…): Season 5, Episode 6 - Rick & Morty's Thanksploitation Spectacular - full transcript
In this Thanksgiving episode, Rick and Morty need to get a presidential pardon.
Are we gonna put it back
when we're done with it?
Why? The only thing of value on it
is the secret treasure map.
The rest is just instructions for running a country.
- I'm pretty sure they're online.
- It just feels a little wrong.
Morty, are you gonna be a fucking America nerd
or are you gonna be cool
and steal the Constitution with Grandpa?
- Here, hold this while I crack the hermetic seal.
- Why not just use this again?
[bell clangs]
Morty! You just destroyed the map
and activated the giant assassin
hidden in the Statue of Liberty!
- I'm sorry! Wait, what?
- It was a Trojan horse, Morty.
Never trust the French.
Fun's fun, but now the federal
government's gonna be pissed again.
Way to go.
And on America's birthday
or whatever the fuck Thanksgiving is.
[theme music playing]
[helicopter blades whirring]
Rick and Morty, you are under arrest
and surrounded by an anti- portal shimmer!
Come out with your hands up!
Well, happy Thanksgiving to me!
Can't wait to see what a shimmer
does to my prostate.
Dad, can you please just end
whatever this is?
I understand you're upset, Mr. President.
It's honestly all Morty's fault.
But in the meantime,
you really want to keep your army
of pointlessly camouflaged eagle scouts
off my lawn.
Don't tell me what I want,
you anti- American piece of shit! You terrorist!
You know, you use that word so much
it's lost all meaning, Mr. P.
It's like, at this point, what's a terrorist?
It's a guy you don't like. Big deal.
- Oorah!
- [gunfire]
[screaming]
[Rick] Told you to stand down.
You just lost two soldiers over here. Good men.
Might be time to look
at the terrorist in the mirror.
You want a war? I'll put your outer- space ass
in a goddamn phantom zone
with a bar of kryptonite soap
around your neck.
- You're done, Sanchez! You hear me?
- Oh. He's really pissed this time.
Why don't you guys just fuck
and get it over with?
Well, thank you, Summer,
but I think I've got a better option.
- Dad, no.
- Ugh, hands are tied, sweetie.
I have to turn myself into a turkey
and trick the President
into giving me
a presidential turkey pardon.
Again? How many times have you done this?
I don't know, Jerry,
how many years have I lived here?
- Careful how you answer that.
- [Morty] Jeez. You've done this a lot.
Don't you think the President
might see it coming this time?
He probably will, Morty.
That's all part of the dance.
In the past, I've inserted myself into
the potential turkey pardonee population
by brainwashing the presidential
turkey wrangler prior to the ceremony.
But this time,
the turkey wrangler's been euthanized,
and the turkeys will be transported
by armored military vehicles.
Vehicles manufactured
by ghost corporations that I control.
Which we have audited.
Allowing me access to--
- Central computers.
- To track the--
Real armored transports, which he can never--
Totally track and sneak aboard.
And even if he does,
he'll be on a truck full of turkeys,
and fully armed marines.
Who won't recognize me,
because the human eye
is inherently face blind to turkeys.
[President] Fortunately,
those marines won't have human eyes.
They'll have turkey eyes.
Jesus ever- loving Christ, why don't
you two just fuck and get it over with?
Careful, Dwayne.
You're only Vice President because I need
ten percent of the white vote.
There's a giant French assassin
attacking New York,
and you're using the war room
to measure dicks
with your alcoholic sci- fi boyfriend.
Rick Sanchez is more dangerous
than some steam- powered French bitch
and New York can handle
its own global emergencies.
General! initiate Operation Deep Gobble.
[country music playing]
[phone vibrates]
- Coop, not on Thanksgiving.
- It's what I trained for, Mary Lou.
- It ain't our fight.
- Baby.
That little race car driver
you got baking in your belly,
what world you want him rearing up in?
One where some spiky haired
Doctor Who in a lab coat
can change the color of the sky?
Or a world where he can fill his pickup
with hot dogs and drive it to a jukebox
full of our demographic's
current favorite music?
- Obviously the latter, but--
- Well, that world, Mary Lou,
the one with those meals, vehicles and songs
people in this 30- mile area prefer,
that world needs a few good men,
in a secret Pentagon lab
turning into turkeys.
You come back without feathers, Coop.
[both moaning]
God, I love this country.
Oorah!
♪ Got a pregnant girl
And a pick- up truck ♪
♪ Got one by choice
And the other by luck ♪
♪ Now it's time to turn into a turkey ♪
♪ I hope there can be peace one day ♪
♪ Till then, I pray my DNA
Gets backed up ♪
[man] These pills contain tracking chips
that identify each of you as individuals.
That will be important later.
[screaming]
♪ Gobble, gobble! ♪
♪ When I turn into a turkey ♪
[guns cocking]
All right, boys, search every bird.
If Sanchez is here, I wanna hear you gobbling.
- Let me look at you, scum!
- [gobbles]
Get outta here, you wobbleneck!
Sarge, this-- This ain't like the simulation, man.
- I don't like it.
- Keep it together, Martinez!
Eyes are on the ground, sir.
- No sign of Einstein.
- Stay frosty, gentleman.
I want this pardoning pipeline airtight.
Sir, we have hacked the garage door. We are in.
- Eyes on the bogey.
- Or you've got eyes on a robot.
All due respect, sir, I know flesh when I see it.
[Rick] Those flesh- covered [burps] robots
should buy us some time.
The pardonable turkeys should be on that truck.
Ship, go stealth.
[loud clunk]
- Rodriguez, Fincher! Get eyes on that.
- [Rick] Huh. Turkey marines.
The President came to play.
- Jam those two radios.
- [car] Confirmed.
- [high- pitched sound]
- Jeez!
[grunts] Ha!
[turkey gobbles]
- [grunts]
- [turkey gobbles]
- Fincher, Rodriguez, come in!
- [Rick] Copy, copy, Tango, all good.
Just a couple of branches on the roof.
Don't ever turn your radio off again!
- We will not surrender!
- Never surrender!
- We will not surrender!
- [man] Oh, yeah?
Bring in the David Blaine box.
Damn, is that a David Blaine box?
I told you. We should have just gone
to my parents' house.
- No, you didn't.
- Well, I didn't say it out loud,
but it should be well known by now
that I'd always rather be there.
- Oh, God! Oh, no!
- Jeez, Rick!
Sir, we've got Rick and Morty inside the box.
- Then that confirms it.
- Sir?
No David Blaine box can hold Rick Sanchez.
Scan the turkey truck.
Huh. That's weird. ID chips for Fincher
and Rodriguez are glitching.
Sanchez. I'll deal with this bastard myself.
Sir, don't be a cowboy.
You can't get re- elected dead.
System is calibrated, sir.
That pill contains
a tracking chip that will identify--
I know, it'll be important later.
[gulps] Do it!
[screaming]
[gobbling]
Moments from now,
the President will be pardoning a turkey.
- [turkeys gobbling]
- ["Hail to the Chief" playing]
Homestretch, Morty.
Here comes dipshit right on schedule.
Nothing can go wrong now.
- [Morty] Jesus. Is that--?
- Oh, shit.
The president has the upper hand.
Grandpa fucked up.
- Sunglasses on! Act like a turkey!
- What?
- Are you scared?
- Act like a turkey!
That's Rodriguez and Fincher, sir.
[President] It's Rick and Morty,
you useless fucking stump humper!
Sorry, don't tell ten percent
of your friends I called you that.
- Mr. President.
- Sanchez, admit it, you lose.
Say it and I'll let your loser ass go.
[exhales]
Did you try to spit in my face
with no saliva gland?
- Just pardon me, dick!
- Why the hell would I?
Because if I move to Canada,
they'll be the best country.
I'll peck your goddamn eyes out!
- Ow!
- Hey!
Shit! My plume!
- [Morty] Back off!
- [grunts]
- Blueberries! We got blueberries down!
- [gobbling]
Hold your positions. It's a feeding frenzy!
I can't see. I mean, I can see.
270 degrees. It's too many degrees!
Sir, we are losing the mental game down here.
[General] Keep it together, soldier!
POTUS is still in that pen!
[Rick grunts]
[gasps]
[gulps]
We just lost New York to France!
Pull out the president right now!
Gobble Tango, I want POTUS out of that pen!
That is an order! Locate the President's chip!
Roger- Roger. There he is, I got him.
Let's go, boys! Let's fly out the Eagle!
[gobbling]
- Hey, that's not me.
- Package is secure. Pull us out.
[computer] Reinjecting subject DNA.
[gobbling]
Hopping Jehovah, you look like
five pounds of shit in a whore's lunchbox.
You all right, Mr. President?
Yes. I am the president.
Clean his ass up
and get him to the war room.
[President] Hey! Gobble Squad!
You got the wrong guy, you morons!
- [gobbling]
- Look at this dumb piece of shit.
Gobbling away. Get back in there!
All right, boys, you heard the VP.
Pardon is tits up. Pack up and ship out!
As for you, Sanchez, bon appétit.
[gobbling]
Where is this elevator going?
Where all the unchosen turkeys go.
The feeding chamber.
[eerie noise]
- What the fuck is that?
- [President] Not what. Who.
The only thing to fear is me!
How the fuck does the White House
have a cloned spider of FDR?
It's no clone, it's FDR.
He was a guinea pig for the polio vaccine.
- We asked ourselves what walks the most?
- We? You're taking credit for this?
- The office comes with baggage, Morty.
- [Rick and Morty yell]
- Rick, I'm afraid to die!
- It won't have to be for long.
We're due to return to human form any second.
- Then what?
- Then we just have to not get eaten by the spider!
- So in other words, be afraid to die?
- Morty, if winning an argument
- is that important to you, you were never alive.
- Time for a New Deal: Murder!
[President]
I'm sick of hearing how iconic you were!
Try having an historical administration
after Facebook goes online, you old- timey bitch!
[grunts]
Morty, tear open that panel!
How's this for a fireside chat?
[screaming]
- Oof. You just killed FDR.
- He was a monster, though.
Don't mythologize him, he was a politician.
Speaking of, you kinda saved
our bacon there, so I'll make you a deal.
You pardon us and I'll make you human.
- Wrong turkey.
- Man, the face blindness is real.
I'd like these men
turned back into humans, please.
Yes, of course, Mr. President.
But I thought we already rehumanized
all the turkified marines.
I'd like these men turned back
into humans. I am the president.
Yes, sir. Sure thing.
Increase their strength
by one thousand percent.
But that wouldn't be human.
Turkeys have always been more than human.
Okay. Uh, so right there,
now I'm starting to-- [grunts]
I am selling New York to France.
- [gasping]
- And giving all of the money to Congress.
- [cheering]
- [man] A- ha! All right, yeah!
- Now that's how you do it.
- He became president today.
- [gasping]
- [murmuring]
That's right, murmur!
And when you're done, get me some pants.
If you're the president,
who the hell have we been governing
the country with for the last three hours?
An impostor, you good- for- nothing idiot!
You humanized the wrong turkey!
It's possible. We shouldn't leave
anything to chance.
Wouldn't want Congress
working with the wrong president.
A very good point, Mr. President.
Do we believe this fine feathered
collaborative gentleman
to be our commander- in- chief?
Or are we gonna let Mr. Cash Bar
at the Christmas Party stay in office?
All in favor of Turkey President?
You can't be serious.
You think he cares about America?
Is that why this is happening to you?
Because you cared about America?
Guards, these men are-- What is the word?
Terrorists.
Okay, screw this. Go, go, Sanchez laser fists!
Oh, shit. I was a turkey for a while, wasn't I?
[chokes] Okay, guy's pretty strong.
Mary Todd Lincoln!
Who's dead weight now, bitch?
[Rick] You should regain feeling
in your ass in a minute.
- Sorry my turrets blew up your motorcycle.
- Just give me some goddamn clothes.
Must suck to have your only
safe haven be my house.
You want your regular outfit
or should we dress you like a terrorist?
I don't need to be here. I'm the president.
Glad to hear it.
That means you can give me that pardon.
Or I could put you out with the trash.
What is your problem?
Why do you hate this country?
I hate every country in the universe, brother.
They're job placement programs
for politicians that invent them.
Okay, Fight Club.
I get paid to protect the sidelines you sit on.
- You get paid to make sports metaphors!
- I clean your litterbox
so your little nerd paws don't have
to touch another nerd's nerdy poopies
while you're flexing your grody
little edge lord anus all over it!
Guys, maybe you're both right
and both wrong.
[both] Shut up, Morty!
You little bitch. You destroyed the Constitution.
- You're the biggest booger eater here!
- Do not talk to my son that way.
Sorry, Mrs. Smith.
The two of you
are ruining Thanksgiving. Together.
And you can both either come to the table
and eat food with my family,
or you can keep doing
what you're doing at the corner bar.
Bars actually suck at Thanksgiving.
[woman on TV]
I'm still trying to sort through this.
One of you wishes you had
the personal quality known as courage,
but the other two of you
want actual vital organs?
This Charlie Kaufman reboot
of Wizard of Oz is destroying itself.
That's why I need a brain!
I'm doing a terrible job writing this!
Pass the potatoes.
- Thank you.
- Mm- hm.
- Good green beans, Mom.
- The turkey's raw, Dad. Shit's potato bunz.
Sorry, Summer. The United States
enclosed us in a shimmer bubble
that scrambled my oven timer.
So, I guess elections do have consequences.
Eat my ass, Jerry. I've seen your IRS records.
You can blame me
once you have taxable income.
[laughs]
Yes, Jerry is a piece of shit. I agree.
Um, guys? What's that?
Paula, as you can see,
President Curtis has enacted a plan
to turn all turkeys in America
into hybrid super soldiers.
The move has 100 percent approval
from Congress
following its third pay raise in six hours.
Back to you.
My God, the bastard's unhinged!
There won't be a single bird left in D.C.!
Oh, wow, wiping out a native population
on Thanksgiving?
- That's never happened before.
- What did you just say?
Well, I associated Thanksgiving with genocide.
It's what young people do. I wasn't trying to--
The Crypt of the New World!
That could be our one chance
to turn this thing around!
You know about the Crypt?
Ugh, so the treasure's already gone.
Wait, is that why you were stealing
the Constitution, you old fart dick?
The Crypt of the New World isn't a treasure.
But it might be our only hope. Come on.
But isn't the Crypt underneath D.C.?
The turkey President's got an army.
An actual army!
- And an air force! And marines!
- Slow down, Morty!
Walk us through every military service.
Does somebody have a pen?
We've got something more powerful
than every army in the world.
Well, no, we don't, but with the right speech,
- we could get a handful of well- trained hillbillies.
- It worked against the British. I'm in.
Birds replacing people.
What would Johnny Cash
or Dale Earnhardt say?
He'd say it's time to walk the line
or drive very fast between two of them.
- We don't serve your kind here.
- Oh, my God, are you serious?
Read the sign.
He's my boss, Marvin.
It's okay. Mistrusting presidents
is a patriotic duty.
And that guy on TV isn't me.
He's a turkey infused with my DNA.
I'll be damned.
Well, I'm racist.
You better not be here to take my man again.
- Mary Lou.
- I'm poor! And pregnant!
With a poor person!
And I need you. And ten percent of your baby.
Now look, I know it's going
to take more than some speech.
But what is a speech? isn't it just a question?
And isn't that a question too?
Speeches are words.
Repeated words. Listed words.
Repeated lists of repeated words.
None of that matters.
You know what does matter?
Me asking you. Will you do what I say?
Just two questions, chief. Lock? And load?
- They're rhetorical, sir. Lock and load!
- [cheering]
Lock and load!
[stomping]
Sir, we've got Rick and Morty
coming in what appears to be
an unlicensed Star Wars AT- AT.
Or as the millennials say, A- T A- T.
So it begins.
Gobblers! Tonight, we rise! [gobbles]
[voice glitches] Oh, jeez.
Nice driving, Sanchez.
- Wire's down, pen is clear.
- [President] You know the goddamn rules.
If you see something clucking or pecking,
put a buckshot in its panties.
[gobbling]
[roars]
[gulps]
[yells]
- Jesus Christ! They got Johnson!
- He got off easy.
Hold off the bastards!
- What now, Rick?
- Time to turn up the broiler.
[roars]
- Whoa. Is that--?
- The Crypt of the New World.
The treasure you were after
is this country's oldest secret.
One disguised by centuries
of Thanksgiving folklore.
Is that a turkey dinosaur?
America's original rulers.
Merciless beasts,
grazing on the flesh of cowering humans.
Then, in the fifteenth century,
a vessel crashed.
Two vessels, really. On board, our saviors.
Sanchez, pull that lever at the same time I do.
[snarling]
[growling]
Oh, shit, they're gonna fight!
[Morty] No, wait, they love each other.
They were at war when they arrived,
but they united over their hatred of turkeys.
And what they love even more
than each other is kicking turkey butt.
Gentlemen!
[speaking alien language]
[aliens snarl]
Corn!
[roars]
It's working! Come on, Sanchez,
let's power down the humanizer ray.
[squawking]
[gasps] Whose side are we on?
I don't know, but we've done enough
to pay for college.
[distant yelling]
- Look, we're almost there.
- Sorry. My turn for a surprise.
Damn, this guy loves arriving
from the shadows.
Look around,
you can't beat our ancient warriors.
Can't I? My kind has always dealt
with predators.
That's why we sleep in trees.
And that's why, in the wild, we fly.
Now, you must choose.
Fight me, or stop that weapon
from turning all of America's turkeys
into a new master race.
You dumb dipshit, there's three of us
and two of us are spacemen.
Obviously, they're going to save America
and bring that monument home.
And I'm gonna kick your ass.
- Oh, and, Sanchez? You got your pardon.
- Aw!
Shut up, Morty! Come on!
- Let's go, bitch.
- So be it.
[grunts]
Is it true what Turkey Man said?
That turkeys sleep in trees?
Who the hell cares, Morty?
Let's just [burps] deactivate this shit.
[computer] Calibrating. [gobbles]
Targeting all American turkeys.
Oh, my God, they gave it a voice?
Who is this for? We're in space.
[gobbling]
- Jeez, Rick, I guess them?
- Morty, use this carefully.
Crack the humanizer core and cut the blue wire.
You hear me? Blue wire!
- Why don't we just blow it up?
- It's a national monument, fucknut!
We just got pardoned.
You really wanna do this again next year?
- [grunts]
- [groans]
You forgot something, Turkey Man.
No matter what you got people to believe,
I'm still the goddamn president.
And you forget,
in the one day I've had your job.
I've learned ten times as much.
- I've underestimated you.
- For the last time.
[both grunt]
- [groans]
- Rick, they're not exactly primary colors!
Are we cool with, like, turquoise?
Are you kidding me, Morty?
Just cut the damn thing!
- [turkey gobbles]
- Oh, shit! Oh, fuck!
[computer]
Targets acquired. Activating weapon.
Oh, shit! [yells]
Heritage destroyed.
Morty! [grunts]
Goddamn it, you had one job!
- [strains]
- [groans]
[groans]
I beat you! Look at me, you turkey- ass bitch.
[chuckles]
Wait, why are you. Is that a wishbone?
I wish to explode.
[evil laughter]
- [man 1] The Berlin Wall has come down.
- [man 2] It's called the PlayStation.
- [man 1] The winner is Shakespeare in Love.
- [man 2] PlayStation 2.
- [man 1] Hurricane Katrina slams Louisiana.
- [man 2] PlayStation 3!
- [man 1] This is Maroon 5.
- [man 2] PlayStation 4!
- [man 1] The Cubbies Win!
- [man 2] I want a PlayStation 5.
- [gasps]
- I wasn't sure when to pull you out.
I assumed you were running through
your whole life.
Yes. And what a life it was.
Gentleman, thank you once again
for saving this nation.
[speaking alien language]
I don't speak googa.
The CIA only taught me
your activation phrase.
But if I could say anything,
I'd say give America one more chance.
[roars]
Oh, my God, they're gonna fight,
they're really gonna fight.
[Morty] Aww, they love each other!
- Never gets old.
- I'll never get tired of that.
So, after those aliens discovered America.
They went into hibernation,
leaving us the technology we use
to lead the free world.
That, and also to do stuff like slavery.
I always thought
we were more special than that.
Like we invented everything
and did everything,
and that's why we own everything.
Now, I don't know what to feel.
Feel thankful, Morty. Feel thankful.
[theme music playing]
- [baby babbles]
- I know, baby.
Coop, honey, should we get
Lucky Charms or Kibble Bibbitz?
- You know we can't afford either.
- Baby, the president owes you.
You saved him!
Ain't his fault our insurance got cut.
They gotta build missiles.
[scoffs] Fine, just.
Can y'all hold Jakey for a second?
- [high- pitched sound]
- [muffled gobbling]
[baby crying]
- [man 1] The hell's he doing?
- [man 2] I think he's foraging.
Crazy bastard thinks he's a turkey.
[man 1] Well, I refuse to pay
for this man's healthcare.
[baby continues crying]
when we're done with it?
Why? The only thing of value on it
is the secret treasure map.
The rest is just instructions for running a country.
- I'm pretty sure they're online.
- It just feels a little wrong.
Morty, are you gonna be a fucking America nerd
or are you gonna be cool
and steal the Constitution with Grandpa?
- Here, hold this while I crack the hermetic seal.
- Why not just use this again?
[bell clangs]
Morty! You just destroyed the map
and activated the giant assassin
hidden in the Statue of Liberty!
- I'm sorry! Wait, what?
- It was a Trojan horse, Morty.
Never trust the French.
Fun's fun, but now the federal
government's gonna be pissed again.
Way to go.
And on America's birthday
or whatever the fuck Thanksgiving is.
[theme music playing]
[helicopter blades whirring]
Rick and Morty, you are under arrest
and surrounded by an anti- portal shimmer!
Come out with your hands up!
Well, happy Thanksgiving to me!
Can't wait to see what a shimmer
does to my prostate.
Dad, can you please just end
whatever this is?
I understand you're upset, Mr. President.
It's honestly all Morty's fault.
But in the meantime,
you really want to keep your army
of pointlessly camouflaged eagle scouts
off my lawn.
Don't tell me what I want,
you anti- American piece of shit! You terrorist!
You know, you use that word so much
it's lost all meaning, Mr. P.
It's like, at this point, what's a terrorist?
It's a guy you don't like. Big deal.
- Oorah!
- [gunfire]
[screaming]
[Rick] Told you to stand down.
You just lost two soldiers over here. Good men.
Might be time to look
at the terrorist in the mirror.
You want a war? I'll put your outer- space ass
in a goddamn phantom zone
with a bar of kryptonite soap
around your neck.
- You're done, Sanchez! You hear me?
- Oh. He's really pissed this time.
Why don't you guys just fuck
and get it over with?
Well, thank you, Summer,
but I think I've got a better option.
- Dad, no.
- Ugh, hands are tied, sweetie.
I have to turn myself into a turkey
and trick the President
into giving me
a presidential turkey pardon.
Again? How many times have you done this?
I don't know, Jerry,
how many years have I lived here?
- Careful how you answer that.
- [Morty] Jeez. You've done this a lot.
Don't you think the President
might see it coming this time?
He probably will, Morty.
That's all part of the dance.
In the past, I've inserted myself into
the potential turkey pardonee population
by brainwashing the presidential
turkey wrangler prior to the ceremony.
But this time,
the turkey wrangler's been euthanized,
and the turkeys will be transported
by armored military vehicles.
Vehicles manufactured
by ghost corporations that I control.
Which we have audited.
Allowing me access to--
- Central computers.
- To track the--
Real armored transports, which he can never--
Totally track and sneak aboard.
And even if he does,
he'll be on a truck full of turkeys,
and fully armed marines.
Who won't recognize me,
because the human eye
is inherently face blind to turkeys.
[President] Fortunately,
those marines won't have human eyes.
They'll have turkey eyes.
Jesus ever- loving Christ, why don't
you two just fuck and get it over with?
Careful, Dwayne.
You're only Vice President because I need
ten percent of the white vote.
There's a giant French assassin
attacking New York,
and you're using the war room
to measure dicks
with your alcoholic sci- fi boyfriend.
Rick Sanchez is more dangerous
than some steam- powered French bitch
and New York can handle
its own global emergencies.
General! initiate Operation Deep Gobble.
[country music playing]
[phone vibrates]
- Coop, not on Thanksgiving.
- It's what I trained for, Mary Lou.
- It ain't our fight.
- Baby.
That little race car driver
you got baking in your belly,
what world you want him rearing up in?
One where some spiky haired
Doctor Who in a lab coat
can change the color of the sky?
Or a world where he can fill his pickup
with hot dogs and drive it to a jukebox
full of our demographic's
current favorite music?
- Obviously the latter, but--
- Well, that world, Mary Lou,
the one with those meals, vehicles and songs
people in this 30- mile area prefer,
that world needs a few good men,
in a secret Pentagon lab
turning into turkeys.
You come back without feathers, Coop.
[both moaning]
God, I love this country.
Oorah!
♪ Got a pregnant girl
And a pick- up truck ♪
♪ Got one by choice
And the other by luck ♪
♪ Now it's time to turn into a turkey ♪
♪ I hope there can be peace one day ♪
♪ Till then, I pray my DNA
Gets backed up ♪
[man] These pills contain tracking chips
that identify each of you as individuals.
That will be important later.
[screaming]
♪ Gobble, gobble! ♪
♪ When I turn into a turkey ♪
[guns cocking]
All right, boys, search every bird.
If Sanchez is here, I wanna hear you gobbling.
- Let me look at you, scum!
- [gobbles]
Get outta here, you wobbleneck!
Sarge, this-- This ain't like the simulation, man.
- I don't like it.
- Keep it together, Martinez!
Eyes are on the ground, sir.
- No sign of Einstein.
- Stay frosty, gentleman.
I want this pardoning pipeline airtight.
Sir, we have hacked the garage door. We are in.
- Eyes on the bogey.
- Or you've got eyes on a robot.
All due respect, sir, I know flesh when I see it.
[Rick] Those flesh- covered [burps] robots
should buy us some time.
The pardonable turkeys should be on that truck.
Ship, go stealth.
[loud clunk]
- Rodriguez, Fincher! Get eyes on that.
- [Rick] Huh. Turkey marines.
The President came to play.
- Jam those two radios.
- [car] Confirmed.
- [high- pitched sound]
- Jeez!
[grunts] Ha!
[turkey gobbles]
- [grunts]
- [turkey gobbles]
- Fincher, Rodriguez, come in!
- [Rick] Copy, copy, Tango, all good.
Just a couple of branches on the roof.
Don't ever turn your radio off again!
- We will not surrender!
- Never surrender!
- We will not surrender!
- [man] Oh, yeah?
Bring in the David Blaine box.
Damn, is that a David Blaine box?
I told you. We should have just gone
to my parents' house.
- No, you didn't.
- Well, I didn't say it out loud,
but it should be well known by now
that I'd always rather be there.
- Oh, God! Oh, no!
- Jeez, Rick!
Sir, we've got Rick and Morty inside the box.
- Then that confirms it.
- Sir?
No David Blaine box can hold Rick Sanchez.
Scan the turkey truck.
Huh. That's weird. ID chips for Fincher
and Rodriguez are glitching.
Sanchez. I'll deal with this bastard myself.
Sir, don't be a cowboy.
You can't get re- elected dead.
System is calibrated, sir.
That pill contains
a tracking chip that will identify--
I know, it'll be important later.
[gulps] Do it!
[screaming]
[gobbling]
Moments from now,
the President will be pardoning a turkey.
- [turkeys gobbling]
- ["Hail to the Chief" playing]
Homestretch, Morty.
Here comes dipshit right on schedule.
Nothing can go wrong now.
- [Morty] Jesus. Is that--?
- Oh, shit.
The president has the upper hand.
Grandpa fucked up.
- Sunglasses on! Act like a turkey!
- What?
- Are you scared?
- Act like a turkey!
That's Rodriguez and Fincher, sir.
[President] It's Rick and Morty,
you useless fucking stump humper!
Sorry, don't tell ten percent
of your friends I called you that.
- Mr. President.
- Sanchez, admit it, you lose.
Say it and I'll let your loser ass go.
[exhales]
Did you try to spit in my face
with no saliva gland?
- Just pardon me, dick!
- Why the hell would I?
Because if I move to Canada,
they'll be the best country.
I'll peck your goddamn eyes out!
- Ow!
- Hey!
Shit! My plume!
- [Morty] Back off!
- [grunts]
- Blueberries! We got blueberries down!
- [gobbling]
Hold your positions. It's a feeding frenzy!
I can't see. I mean, I can see.
270 degrees. It's too many degrees!
Sir, we are losing the mental game down here.
[General] Keep it together, soldier!
POTUS is still in that pen!
[Rick grunts]
[gasps]
[gulps]
We just lost New York to France!
Pull out the president right now!
Gobble Tango, I want POTUS out of that pen!
That is an order! Locate the President's chip!
Roger- Roger. There he is, I got him.
Let's go, boys! Let's fly out the Eagle!
[gobbling]
- Hey, that's not me.
- Package is secure. Pull us out.
[computer] Reinjecting subject DNA.
[gobbling]
Hopping Jehovah, you look like
five pounds of shit in a whore's lunchbox.
You all right, Mr. President?
Yes. I am the president.
Clean his ass up
and get him to the war room.
[President] Hey! Gobble Squad!
You got the wrong guy, you morons!
- [gobbling]
- Look at this dumb piece of shit.
Gobbling away. Get back in there!
All right, boys, you heard the VP.
Pardon is tits up. Pack up and ship out!
As for you, Sanchez, bon appétit.
[gobbling]
Where is this elevator going?
Where all the unchosen turkeys go.
The feeding chamber.
[eerie noise]
- What the fuck is that?
- [President] Not what. Who.
The only thing to fear is me!
How the fuck does the White House
have a cloned spider of FDR?
It's no clone, it's FDR.
He was a guinea pig for the polio vaccine.
- We asked ourselves what walks the most?
- We? You're taking credit for this?
- The office comes with baggage, Morty.
- [Rick and Morty yell]
- Rick, I'm afraid to die!
- It won't have to be for long.
We're due to return to human form any second.
- Then what?
- Then we just have to not get eaten by the spider!
- So in other words, be afraid to die?
- Morty, if winning an argument
- is that important to you, you were never alive.
- Time for a New Deal: Murder!
[President]
I'm sick of hearing how iconic you were!
Try having an historical administration
after Facebook goes online, you old- timey bitch!
[grunts]
Morty, tear open that panel!
How's this for a fireside chat?
[screaming]
- Oof. You just killed FDR.
- He was a monster, though.
Don't mythologize him, he was a politician.
Speaking of, you kinda saved
our bacon there, so I'll make you a deal.
You pardon us and I'll make you human.
- Wrong turkey.
- Man, the face blindness is real.
I'd like these men
turned back into humans, please.
Yes, of course, Mr. President.
But I thought we already rehumanized
all the turkified marines.
I'd like these men turned back
into humans. I am the president.
Yes, sir. Sure thing.
Increase their strength
by one thousand percent.
But that wouldn't be human.
Turkeys have always been more than human.
Okay. Uh, so right there,
now I'm starting to-- [grunts]
I am selling New York to France.
- [gasping]
- And giving all of the money to Congress.
- [cheering]
- [man] A- ha! All right, yeah!
- Now that's how you do it.
- He became president today.
- [gasping]
- [murmuring]
That's right, murmur!
And when you're done, get me some pants.
If you're the president,
who the hell have we been governing
the country with for the last three hours?
An impostor, you good- for- nothing idiot!
You humanized the wrong turkey!
It's possible. We shouldn't leave
anything to chance.
Wouldn't want Congress
working with the wrong president.
A very good point, Mr. President.
Do we believe this fine feathered
collaborative gentleman
to be our commander- in- chief?
Or are we gonna let Mr. Cash Bar
at the Christmas Party stay in office?
All in favor of Turkey President?
You can't be serious.
You think he cares about America?
Is that why this is happening to you?
Because you cared about America?
Guards, these men are-- What is the word?
Terrorists.
Okay, screw this. Go, go, Sanchez laser fists!
Oh, shit. I was a turkey for a while, wasn't I?
[chokes] Okay, guy's pretty strong.
Mary Todd Lincoln!
Who's dead weight now, bitch?
[Rick] You should regain feeling
in your ass in a minute.
- Sorry my turrets blew up your motorcycle.
- Just give me some goddamn clothes.
Must suck to have your only
safe haven be my house.
You want your regular outfit
or should we dress you like a terrorist?
I don't need to be here. I'm the president.
Glad to hear it.
That means you can give me that pardon.
Or I could put you out with the trash.
What is your problem?
Why do you hate this country?
I hate every country in the universe, brother.
They're job placement programs
for politicians that invent them.
Okay, Fight Club.
I get paid to protect the sidelines you sit on.
- You get paid to make sports metaphors!
- I clean your litterbox
so your little nerd paws don't have
to touch another nerd's nerdy poopies
while you're flexing your grody
little edge lord anus all over it!
Guys, maybe you're both right
and both wrong.
[both] Shut up, Morty!
You little bitch. You destroyed the Constitution.
- You're the biggest booger eater here!
- Do not talk to my son that way.
Sorry, Mrs. Smith.
The two of you
are ruining Thanksgiving. Together.
And you can both either come to the table
and eat food with my family,
or you can keep doing
what you're doing at the corner bar.
Bars actually suck at Thanksgiving.
[woman on TV]
I'm still trying to sort through this.
One of you wishes you had
the personal quality known as courage,
but the other two of you
want actual vital organs?
This Charlie Kaufman reboot
of Wizard of Oz is destroying itself.
That's why I need a brain!
I'm doing a terrible job writing this!
Pass the potatoes.
- Thank you.
- Mm- hm.
- Good green beans, Mom.
- The turkey's raw, Dad. Shit's potato bunz.
Sorry, Summer. The United States
enclosed us in a shimmer bubble
that scrambled my oven timer.
So, I guess elections do have consequences.
Eat my ass, Jerry. I've seen your IRS records.
You can blame me
once you have taxable income.
[laughs]
Yes, Jerry is a piece of shit. I agree.
Um, guys? What's that?
Paula, as you can see,
President Curtis has enacted a plan
to turn all turkeys in America
into hybrid super soldiers.
The move has 100 percent approval
from Congress
following its third pay raise in six hours.
Back to you.
My God, the bastard's unhinged!
There won't be a single bird left in D.C.!
Oh, wow, wiping out a native population
on Thanksgiving?
- That's never happened before.
- What did you just say?
Well, I associated Thanksgiving with genocide.
It's what young people do. I wasn't trying to--
The Crypt of the New World!
That could be our one chance
to turn this thing around!
You know about the Crypt?
Ugh, so the treasure's already gone.
Wait, is that why you were stealing
the Constitution, you old fart dick?
The Crypt of the New World isn't a treasure.
But it might be our only hope. Come on.
But isn't the Crypt underneath D.C.?
The turkey President's got an army.
An actual army!
- And an air force! And marines!
- Slow down, Morty!
Walk us through every military service.
Does somebody have a pen?
We've got something more powerful
than every army in the world.
Well, no, we don't, but with the right speech,
- we could get a handful of well- trained hillbillies.
- It worked against the British. I'm in.
Birds replacing people.
What would Johnny Cash
or Dale Earnhardt say?
He'd say it's time to walk the line
or drive very fast between two of them.
- We don't serve your kind here.
- Oh, my God, are you serious?
Read the sign.
He's my boss, Marvin.
It's okay. Mistrusting presidents
is a patriotic duty.
And that guy on TV isn't me.
He's a turkey infused with my DNA.
I'll be damned.
Well, I'm racist.
You better not be here to take my man again.
- Mary Lou.
- I'm poor! And pregnant!
With a poor person!
And I need you. And ten percent of your baby.
Now look, I know it's going
to take more than some speech.
But what is a speech? isn't it just a question?
And isn't that a question too?
Speeches are words.
Repeated words. Listed words.
Repeated lists of repeated words.
None of that matters.
You know what does matter?
Me asking you. Will you do what I say?
Just two questions, chief. Lock? And load?
- They're rhetorical, sir. Lock and load!
- [cheering]
Lock and load!
[stomping]
Sir, we've got Rick and Morty
coming in what appears to be
an unlicensed Star Wars AT- AT.
Or as the millennials say, A- T A- T.
So it begins.
Gobblers! Tonight, we rise! [gobbles]
[voice glitches] Oh, jeez.
Nice driving, Sanchez.
- Wire's down, pen is clear.
- [President] You know the goddamn rules.
If you see something clucking or pecking,
put a buckshot in its panties.
[gobbling]
[roars]
[gulps]
[yells]
- Jesus Christ! They got Johnson!
- He got off easy.
Hold off the bastards!
- What now, Rick?
- Time to turn up the broiler.
[roars]
- Whoa. Is that--?
- The Crypt of the New World.
The treasure you were after
is this country's oldest secret.
One disguised by centuries
of Thanksgiving folklore.
Is that a turkey dinosaur?
America's original rulers.
Merciless beasts,
grazing on the flesh of cowering humans.
Then, in the fifteenth century,
a vessel crashed.
Two vessels, really. On board, our saviors.
Sanchez, pull that lever at the same time I do.
[snarling]
[growling]
Oh, shit, they're gonna fight!
[Morty] No, wait, they love each other.
They were at war when they arrived,
but they united over their hatred of turkeys.
And what they love even more
than each other is kicking turkey butt.
Gentlemen!
[speaking alien language]
[aliens snarl]
Corn!
[roars]
It's working! Come on, Sanchez,
let's power down the humanizer ray.
[squawking]
[gasps] Whose side are we on?
I don't know, but we've done enough
to pay for college.
[distant yelling]
- Look, we're almost there.
- Sorry. My turn for a surprise.
Damn, this guy loves arriving
from the shadows.
Look around,
you can't beat our ancient warriors.
Can't I? My kind has always dealt
with predators.
That's why we sleep in trees.
And that's why, in the wild, we fly.
Now, you must choose.
Fight me, or stop that weapon
from turning all of America's turkeys
into a new master race.
You dumb dipshit, there's three of us
and two of us are spacemen.
Obviously, they're going to save America
and bring that monument home.
And I'm gonna kick your ass.
- Oh, and, Sanchez? You got your pardon.
- Aw!
Shut up, Morty! Come on!
- Let's go, bitch.
- So be it.
[grunts]
Is it true what Turkey Man said?
That turkeys sleep in trees?
Who the hell cares, Morty?
Let's just [burps] deactivate this shit.
[computer] Calibrating. [gobbles]
Targeting all American turkeys.
Oh, my God, they gave it a voice?
Who is this for? We're in space.
[gobbling]
- Jeez, Rick, I guess them?
- Morty, use this carefully.
Crack the humanizer core and cut the blue wire.
You hear me? Blue wire!
- Why don't we just blow it up?
- It's a national monument, fucknut!
We just got pardoned.
You really wanna do this again next year?
- [grunts]
- [groans]
You forgot something, Turkey Man.
No matter what you got people to believe,
I'm still the goddamn president.
And you forget,
in the one day I've had your job.
I've learned ten times as much.
- I've underestimated you.
- For the last time.
[both grunt]
- [groans]
- Rick, they're not exactly primary colors!
Are we cool with, like, turquoise?
Are you kidding me, Morty?
Just cut the damn thing!
- [turkey gobbles]
- Oh, shit! Oh, fuck!
[computer]
Targets acquired. Activating weapon.
Oh, shit! [yells]
Heritage destroyed.
Morty! [grunts]
Goddamn it, you had one job!
- [strains]
- [groans]
[groans]
I beat you! Look at me, you turkey- ass bitch.
[chuckles]
Wait, why are you. Is that a wishbone?
I wish to explode.
[evil laughter]
- [man 1] The Berlin Wall has come down.
- [man 2] It's called the PlayStation.
- [man 1] The winner is Shakespeare in Love.
- [man 2] PlayStation 2.
- [man 1] Hurricane Katrina slams Louisiana.
- [man 2] PlayStation 3!
- [man 1] This is Maroon 5.
- [man 2] PlayStation 4!
- [man 1] The Cubbies Win!
- [man 2] I want a PlayStation 5.
- [gasps]
- I wasn't sure when to pull you out.
I assumed you were running through
your whole life.
Yes. And what a life it was.
Gentleman, thank you once again
for saving this nation.
[speaking alien language]
I don't speak googa.
The CIA only taught me
your activation phrase.
But if I could say anything,
I'd say give America one more chance.
[roars]
Oh, my God, they're gonna fight,
they're really gonna fight.
[Morty] Aww, they love each other!
- Never gets old.
- I'll never get tired of that.
So, after those aliens discovered America.
They went into hibernation,
leaving us the technology we use
to lead the free world.
That, and also to do stuff like slavery.
I always thought
we were more special than that.
Like we invented everything
and did everything,
and that's why we own everything.
Now, I don't know what to feel.
Feel thankful, Morty. Feel thankful.
[theme music playing]
- [baby babbles]
- I know, baby.
Coop, honey, should we get
Lucky Charms or Kibble Bibbitz?
- You know we can't afford either.
- Baby, the president owes you.
You saved him!
Ain't his fault our insurance got cut.
They gotta build missiles.
[scoffs] Fine, just.
Can y'all hold Jakey for a second?
- [high- pitched sound]
- [muffled gobbling]
[baby crying]
- [man 1] The hell's he doing?
- [man 2] I think he's foraging.
Crazy bastard thinks he's a turkey.
[man 1] Well, I refuse to pay
for this man's healthcare.
[baby continues crying]