Rick and Morty (2013–…): Season 5, Episode 3 - A Rickconvenient Mort - full transcript

Ah, I love that new Tshirt smell.

Chicks are gonna be all up in our biz

when they see us wearing these
Rick and Morty custom tees.

I bet we could sell these.

Hells, yeah. I fucking love merch!

The rain! lt-it burns!
Oh, shit.

Quick, Morty, protect the shirts!

The door! Open the door! Rick!

Is it-Morty, will you stop trying to--

Okay, there, it's open.

Jesus.
My skin is on fire.



Why is the rain doing that?

My acid rain will destroy
all things green and natural,

or my name isn't Diesel Weasel.

Huh. Well, that guy's easy to please.

Your acid rain is an acid pain

in the butt, Diesel Weasel!

Yikes. Who's the chick
in need of a dialogue pass?

First order of business
is to clean up this acid rain

with a little wind!

Ow! Ow, my leg!
Wow.

And now, an elemental punch
that's too hot to handle!

Wakah!

Oh, wow.

Curse you, Planetina! I'll get you next slime!



There's only one solution
for Earth's pollution: you!

Wow.
Morty, if you say wow one more time,

I swear to fucking God.

Are you crazy, Rick? She's right there!
Yeah, get that aluminum, Morty.

It's 8 percent of the Earth.
We'll need every atom.

Thanks! Every litterbit helps!
Your problem.

Excuse me?
Sorry.

I wanted to say,
"No problem, you're welcome,"

and it came out, "your problem."

I'm an idiot. Sorry.

You're not an idiot. You recycled.

I'm Morty.
Nice to meet you, Morty.

I'm Planetina, and I hope
you have a wonderful day.

Hey! The fuck we doing here?

Uh, you like soft serve?
There's a shop around the bend.

Oh, I don't eat ice cream.
Veal is a product of the dairy industry.

Oh, that's not good.
No, it is not.

Oh, my God! Come on! Let's go!

I know a place that serves
crueltyfree doughnuts.

If you'd like, I could fly you
and your friend there,

easypeasy, lemonsqueezy.
Okay, I'll ask him.

He-He said he can't come. Let's go!

What the fuck was that shit?

The Earth is in danger!

Pollution and waste are ruining our planet.

Mother Nature has enlisted
the help of four young adults

from each major ethnicity,
and when things look bad,

and I mean really bad,

they combine the powers
of their elemental rings to create me!

Planetina, conservationist super person!

There's only one solution

for Earth's pollution -you!

Pretty cool, huh?

I can't believe I actually hung out with Planetina.

How old is this woman? She looks very mature.

She's a sentient amalgam of natural elements,
so I don't believe age applies to her.

Great. Taylor Murphy dumps me
the day before his hella big pool party

and my little brother's dating
a phase four super hero.

Just shoot me in the fucking head until I die.

Hey, hey, none of that, Summerfest.
Look what you're doing to your sister!

Is it weird that she hasn't texted?

Yes.
What if I told you

Grandpa Rick's got something up his sleeve

that's so Rickdiculous
it's gonna make you forget all about

that stupid asshole that dumped you?

Hey, my egg plate!

Morglutz, Slartivart and Ferkus 9.

Three planets are all ending in a delayed
succession of cataclysmic events.

A jam like this comes around
only once in a lifetime.

Morglutz's sun is going supernova,
Slartivart is falling into a black hole,

and Ferkus 9 is getting "Deep impact"ed
by an asteroid.

They're all having a major, final blow out,

and I'm gonna drug it up and suck it up
before each one goes kablammo,

and I'm taking my favorite grandkid
along with me!

Hells yeah.
Ten seconds on Morglutz,

and you'll be up to your neck

in Icouldgivetwoshits
aboutwhat'shisass.

And also herpes.
Um...

Oh, thank you, Grandpa Rick!
I'm gonna go pack my rollie.

Um, Summer? I haven't given you
my approval yet.

Summer, approval is yet to be given here!

There's a huge forest fire like 200 miles from here!

This is amazing! Planetina's bound to be there.

Mom, I need the credit card
to buy a train ticket.

Absolutely not.

Mom, this is the biggest wildfire of the year!

You're not going!
Da fuck I'm not.

Last time I checked, this wasn't Russia.
It's not Russia, Jerry.

My heart is broken, and I deserve to let loose,

and if you don't like it,
you can suck my bigger tit.

Adios, Cwords.

Morty, I don't want you getting hurt.
Please, think this over.

I don't want to think!
I want to see a girl I like.

If you don't want to help me,
I'll find my own goddamn way to the wildfire.

I'll get the wine.
Thank you.

The Governor has implemented
a mandatory evacuation.

Abandon all hope, people!
Nothing will stop this fire.

Nothing!

Scratch that! Here's Planetina,
Savioress of Earth!

Yeeouch! Talk about a hot foot.

Better put this wildfire on ice!

Come here, little buddy.
Come on, come on, come on, I gotcha.

Morty? What are you doing here?
Oh, hey! You're here, too?

Yeah, I heard about the wildfire back home,
and, you know, I stopped by to lend a hand.

Here you go, fella. All safe now.

Ah, rabbits. Always hopping.

Never stopping.
Yeah.

So it was, uh, great hanging--
Hanging out the other day.

I was getting kind of a--
I mean, I got kind of a positive vibe.

Oh, good. I was putting one out.
I really like you.

Holy shit. I mean, uh, well, oh, all right.

Next step, you want to go out again?
I do! But, uh, Morty,

I have kids.

Oh, I'll get along with them. I'm a kid.

No, I mean the four kids
that bring me into existence

by combining the power
of their elemental rings

so I can save Earth
from ecological disasters.

Oh, them! No, I know about them. I like them.

Oh, good. Well, here they are now.

Hey, buddy, you want an autograph?
That's 20 bucks a pop.

No, Eddie, he's my friend.

Morty, these are my kids, The TinaTeers.

Oh, hey.
Tina, girl, have you gained weight?

Uh, well, I had a plantbased
doughnut yesterday.

Just a half.
Sugar is worst thing for figure, darling.

You want to be ugly?

Heh, I thought they'd be younger.

They've been manifesting me
since the mid'90s.

A lot has changed since then.

This is freaking you out, huh?

It is a lot to take in.

I understand. Well...

I guess I'd better go.

See you around.

Hideho, TV 58!

Planetina, you singlehandedly
saved a National Forest with ease.

I do what I can, but I can't do it alone!
And who's your friend over there?

Oh! This is Morty Smith.

He traveled 200 miles
just to save a rabbit from the fire.

He's a very special guy.

So, are you two dating?
Oh, um, we-I--

Yes, we are.

Fuck love.
Fuck love.

Time to set the rules.
Lay it on me.

No whining.
Done.

No crying.
As if.

And absolutely,
positively no getting attached.

We're here to smash max ass,
quantity over quality.

Deal?
Deal!

I'm gonna eat so much ass,
you're gonna shit.

Check this out.
This is gonna be me at the party.

"Oh, is that another ass?
Don't mind if I--"

This'll be me across the room.
"Excuse me, miss."

"It appears that you have an uneaten ass.
Allow me--"

Whoo! Fucking supernova party!
Love is a lie! Hack the planet!

The world's ending, and for some reason,
I want to die with you more than anyone else.

Wow!
Yo, Rick, don't look now,

but someone's giving you the big eye.

Excuse me. I got to see a man about
a horse I'd rather have sex with.

Hello.
I'm Rick. Hey.

So, the world's ending, and for some reason,
I want to die with you more than anyone else.

Hello.
Have fun, Grandpa Rick!

No commitments!

♪ I flew to you on an airplane ♪

♪ I was afraid that you gave me strength ♪

♪ Forever, birds were soul twin loves ♪

♪ Baby, come back to me
Baby, come back like it was ♪

Surprise!
What are you doing here?

Mmm!

I told my kids I went out to recycle batteries.

All kidding aside, everyone should discard
used batteries at proper disposal centers

instead of tossing them into a regular waste bin.

Thanks for the tip.

♪ Flowers never last forever ♪

♪ But we can make it past forever ♪

♪ Baby, come home to me
Baby, you're home with me ♪

Solus is collapsing in five zipzops.

If we time it right, we can skeet together
as the sun explodes.

Sounds amazing.
Say, I think I left my purse back at the bar.

Can both of you go get it for me?

Anything for you, Mrs. Obama.

Time to ghost, Grandpa Rick.
Rightyright. Meet me at the car.

One of these has to be hers. Where'd she go?

I guess we'll have to start without her.
Oh, her loss.

Whoo! Planet number two, let's do it!

Sorry I took so long.
I had to ditch some clingers.

Let's do it. Up the butt, y'all.

Geez, you okay to drive?
Shit!

'Course I'm mable.

Bu- --ckle up.

Yeah!

Whoo! The best week of my life!

Hello.

What was that?
Nothing.

Who wants to see the most radadelic
ladyversion of a super hero?

Fire!
Water!

Air!
And dirt!

Oh, no, the convention. Morty, wake up!
We overslept.

What's happening?
Hey, there's a little boy on her!

Oh, drop the curtain!

There is no curtain!
Idiot, zap her away!

No, no, no. Wait, I--
Whoa!

Security!
What did you do? Bring her back!

No! Let me go!
Sorry, folks.

Planetina will be back in a moment.

Until then, who wants
a limited edition Funko for only $50?

This is very bad.

We are about to close deal.
We cannot afford controversy.

Don't you worry. I know how
to deal with this Morty kid.

Hey, a bunch of us are going over
to Hibler's place to shoot ourselves.

You want to come with?

Sorry, but no man's tying down
SumSum tonight. Hit the dicks.

Your loss, honey. You could have had all this.

Hey, check it out! There's old people dancing!

Damn, girl. Your moves is tight.

Hello.
Rick!

What the WTF is that
Morglutzian doing here?

Morglutzian? She's--
She's not Morglutzian.

She's the only blue person here
without three eyes!

Okay, fine. Busted. This is, uh, Daphne.

Daphne, this is Summer, my granddaughter.
Granddaughter? Hello.

Daphne heard about our little party crawl,
and I told her she could come with.

In the trunk.

What in the actual fuck, Rick?
We said no commitments!

This was to be our Apocalypse party crawl!

You broke the rules!

Squares follow rules, Summer.
Daphne's down to freak.

She's up for any-
sick, nasty thing I want to do.

Hello.
Oh, yeah, baby.

All right, fellas, take five.
He ain't gonna give me any trouble.

Where's Planetina?
Don't you worry.

I want to see her!
Planetina's got a lot of responsibilities.

People depend on her.

And you, my friend, are a distraction
we can't afford right now.

She's just a product to you, isn't she?
Something to make money off of.

Well, Planetina's more than that.

She's a brilliant, living thing, and I love her.

Oh, you love her? Well, guess what?

We own her. But not for long, of course.

We're gonna sell her
to some Arab overseas.

Fire.

As for you,
maybe she won't love you so much

if you ain't so pretty no more.
Stop!

Ow!

You want to fuck with me? Do you?
Ow!

Stupid fucking shit hole!

Boss, what's happening?
Let us in!

Fire!

Fire!

Can we conclude our business?

I'm eager to celebrate my purchase
of Planetina over dinner,

and these infant seals
aren't getting any younger.

Momentarily, comrade.
Soon, our partner will return.

What is taking Eddie so long?

His phone keep going to voicemail.

♪ Start leaving a message ♪

♪ I can't make it to the phone ♪

Just kidding. It's Eddie. Go fuck yourself.

Which one of you ordered a pizza?

Noone order pizza. What is this?

Well, I got a cheesy Italian,
extra crispy just for you.

I know those cheekbones
like they're me own! It's Eddie!

Fucking mother! Kill him!

Stone! Stone!
Fire!

Air!

Cold water! Cold water!

Dirt!

Fire!

Wha--

Air.

Now we can be together, Planetina.

I am an individual character,
I represent no group.

Fire! Water! Dirt! Air!

Ah! Not good!

Blib! Naga! Threve!

Verillex! Gam!

Happy Apocalypse!

Oh, my God!
This is awful!

Why were we cheering?

Hello. Got any agua around here?

Mama's got to hydrate.

Glove box.

Oh, yeah.

Rick is the coolest guy ever.

We're total soul mates.

He's gonna show me
the wonders of the universe.

Ha! Once we get to the next planet,

Grandpa Rick is gonna ditch you, like, so fast.

Oh, is that so?

Uhhuh. Nobody is tying that guy down, ever.

The only chick seeing the universe
with Rick is me.

Not if I keep Rick's mouth full of these.

Oh, my-Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah. That's right, girlfriend.

This is what you're up against.

Wars were fought over these.

They've ruined kings, inspired presidents.

A hundred songs and nine national anthems

have been written about them.

Best set of elbowtitties on Morglutz.

And now, thanks to Rick, the best in the galaxy.

You want me to put them away?
Please.

Sure. But only because
you're Rick's granddaughter.

Daph? Daphne? Where are you, baby?
Papa needs some more elbow grease.

Coming! You might want to keep
your eyes on the road.

It's about to get sloppy.

Hello!
Hello.

Then I put my sunglasses on
and walked out like nothing happened.

I'm finally free. All because of Morty.

What a romantic story

about our son killing a room full of people.

Your turn.

Uh, seven. One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven!

Oy, don't punch my lunch!

Aha! Eat it!
I'm out of food cards.

How about I loan you two quiche at 10 percent?
That's so generous.

My turn!

Double sixes, baby! One, two, three.
So, what's next for Planetina?

Well, now that I'm not distracted
by book signings and publicity stunts,

Morty and I can concentrate
on more important things.

Like school.
Like moving in.

Planetina doesn't have a place to stay now,
so I said she could live with us.

Holy shit. Morty, no.
I'm so full!

What do you mean, no?
Haha!

I wouldn't be a burden, Mrs. Smith.

I only want to spend as much time
as possible with your son.

My son is 14, miss.

I'm sorry, Morty. You're way too young.

But you were a teenager
when Dad got you pregnant.

I was 17! That's at least 26 in boy years.

I'm sure Planetina is very nice,

but when you're a teenager,
love is fleeting, at best.

You underestimate Morty.
He is a very mature young man.

See, Mom? I told you!

This is not happening. End of discussion.

Planetina, I think you should leave, please.

Okay, Mrs. Smith.

Oh, no!
Mom, I hate you!

You suck!
Hey, now, it's only a game.

Shut up!
Okay.

My whole life, I've never fit in anywhere.

Everything I have to say
is always met with an eye roll,

as if the act of hearing what I have
to say is some exhausting chore.

Nobody in this family thinks
I can say or do anything right!

I've been all over the universe,
met hundreds of people,

and Planetina's the only one I've ever met
that makes me feel like I belong,

and you just kicked her out of our house!

Morty, please--
I will never forgive you for this!

♪ Get the sword and throw it far ♪

♪ Let it shine under the morning star♪

Morty! Morty, come back!

♪ Who are you? Who am I to you? ♪

♪ I am the antichrist to you ♪

♪ Fallen from the sky with grace ♪

♪ Into your arms race ♪

Get out! All of you, get out of there!

You're killing the planet!

Your people didn't get the votes.
Leave, or I'll have you arrested.

It's you people who should be arrested.

Gutting the land, poisoning
the air your children breathe?

Can't you see what you're doing?

Easy for you to say!
You can live how you want!

We need the jobs. Let's go, boys.
She can't stop us.

We'll get them next time.
There's no time left!

Can't you hear the Earth screaming?

You filthy murderers!
Planetina, stop it!

There's only one solution for Earth's pollution!

Oh, my God, no.

♪ Who am I to you? ♪

♪ I am the antichrist to you ♪

No!

I can't believe I'm banging my coworkers.
And I'm the boss!

This gay sex with my dad is terrific!
What was I thinking?

It'll all be over soon!

Last chance to pee on me! Anyone?

Okay, Grandpa, the meteor's almost here.
We can go now.

Ah, nah, we still got time.

Well, then, stop being in love
and start having fun.

Oh, love's pretty fun, Summer.
Just give it a chance.

It's not even real love!
Daphne's just with you so she can keep surviving!

Ah, the young. So naive.

Ew, gross.

Congratulations, Ferkisians!
Your apocalypse is aborted.

And Grandpa, you and I can go home.

Daphne, you may come with.
If you want to and don't have to.

I don't know what you're getting at, Summer.
Obviously, Daphne wants to--

Oh, you cold bitch. Hello?

Goodbye.

Hey, she's the one that saved the world!

Now we got to go to work tomorrow!

You fucker!

Sorry I messed things up with Daphne.
Just shut up. I get it.

Really? You're not mad?
I'm furious.

But I have to admit, it was pretty Rick of you

to avert an apocalypse in a tantrum of cynicism
just to destroy one dumb relationship.

Still, sorry.

Eh, I would've done the same for you.

Promise?

Love you, Grandpa Rick.
Don't make it weird.

Please go. I can't see you anymore.

Don't you even want to try to make it work?

We were so close.
You murdered 300 people.

And you murdered my kids.
They were gonna sell you away forever.

Eddie was trying to kill me!
Those miners were innocent.

Those innocent miners voted men into power
to protect their precious jobs

so they can buy more plastic garbage
and eat the corpses of tortured animals.

The system is broken, Morty.

This is the only way I can save Earth.

The only way I can save you.

If that's the only way, I don't want to be saved.

Please go.
But I love you.

I can't-I can't love you. I just can't.

Please understand.
No.

I'll go.

But don't you dare ask me to understand.

Planetina, I'm so sorry.

Fuck you.

Morty? Are you all right?

She's gone, Mom! She's gone!

I loved her so much!

I know you did, honey.

Shh, Mommy's here.

♪ Let it shine under the morning star♪

♪ Who are you? ♪

♪ Who am I to you? ♪

♪ I am the antichrist to you ♪

♪ Fallen from the sky with grace ♪

♪ Into your arms ♪

Good morning.

Morning.

Slow day, huh?
Yep.

Probably because everybody thought

the world wouldn't be,
you know, like, here today.

Mmhm.
Mom in back?

Mom's not talking to us.

Because we had sex?

Yes.
Uh, yeah. That makes sense.

Happy birthday, by the way.