Rick and Morty (2013–…): Season 5, Episode 10 - Rickmurai Jack - full transcript

It's the Crow Man!

Give it a second.
Maybe he's taking it out to surrender.

He's antiheroic! Run!

I don't understand.

He's only one man.

With the power of a thousand crows.

Good luck.

Crows and owls have always been at war.

But why do you care?

What's the point?
Here's two.

Yeah, cool.
Morty?



Hey, man. Good to see you.

You're, like, looking like... into crows still.

Oh, uh, Two Crows, you remember Morty.

Morty, Two Crows.

Good to see you, but if you'd
given me more of a heads up--

I was just in the neighborhood.
It wasn't like--

It's just that the battle for crows
is kind of neverending.

Huh. Right. A little pointless then, right?

That came out wrong. Sounded judgey.

Crow Horse. Crow Horse.
Okay, looks like...

Looks like they're leading you to a thing.

Take care, Morty.
You, too.

I'm doing good by the way.

Oh, my dad was going to eat
that yogurt you left in the fridge,



but I told him...

I'm looking for Crow Scare.

The scarecrow? The evil scarecrow?

Come on. Whoever gives him up first lives.

Fine, I can kill an extra asshole.
Helps me get my steps in.

Rick!
Morty?

Wood?

Uh, Morty, why are you now, like, 40?

That's how long it's been, Rick.

Oh, uh, I guess we can have
a drink together then.

Do you have a rum and coke?

What are you, 20?
Oh, bless your heart.

Time be going by, don't she?

That's your reaction to finding out
you wasted your entire life?

I feel okay.

Well, what about me?

Whoa. Excuse us, boys.
You don't wanna be here for this.

I thought if I gave you enough space,
you'd outgrow this phase.

Here's your drink, poser.

Dad got sick, you know.
Stage 4. You would've loved it.

Summer's a nurse.
Well, pretty much a nurse.

She married a junkie.

Rick, come home
while we still got a little time.

Morty, what we had wasn't healthy.
And this is?

You've had a thousand adventures
with these crows.

When are you going to kill their big bad?

First off, the willtheykillthey
is everything to my guys.

And second, fuck you for trying
to undermine my happiness.

This may be the last time
you ever lay eyes on me.

I hope that's not true, Morty.

Because you look like shit,
and this is not how I wanna remember you.

Now that I have his two crows,

nothing will stop me
from eliminating Crow Rick.

Don't defend him to me.

I don't even get what you see in him.

You're right. We should be
enjoying the time we have together.

Crow Rick!
Oh, I know what this must look like, but--

It looks like my archnemesis Crow Scare

and my sidekicks
planning adventures together.

You are hardly the victim here.

I was adventuring with these two crows
before you ever came along.

What do you mean using me as a rebound?

You feel like I was using you
as a rebound, too?

Well, shit, this lost all meaning.

I guess it could've been worse.

At least adventuring was just a metaphor
for romantic partnership

so it's not a real breakup.

Speak for yourself.
We immensely enjoy each other's bodies.

What? Ugh. No.

Sounds like the man's asking for proof.
Let's show him, fellas.

I asked for zero proof. Zero proof.
Oh, you dirty birds...

I'm giving you free will. Ya!

Submit to Crow Horse!

Whoops.

Rick?
Wubba lubba dub dub! I'm back, pal.

Morty, who's at the door?

Wait, I thought you died gruesomely.
What the hell is going on?

See, uh, the thing is--

Can you please make Morty 14 again, Dad?
This is ridiculous.

Okay, look, I may have used an aging serum

to kind of
emotionally blackmail you a little.

I kind of figured, and I totally get it, Morty.
I'm done with the Two Crows.

Like, they were super clingy,
and I'm ready to make this work.

Let's just hit the reset button.
Well, no, honey. Not a reset, okay?

Tell your grandpa
that you're worthy of his respect,

and you want to be treated
differently from now on.

I refuse to do that.
I'm desperate to get back together.

Just like his old man.

Don't worry, honey.
That's Morty's middle age talking.

He'll be less codependent once we get
more of his life in front of him again.

I'd like him to stay 40
so he can keep buying my friends molly.

I'd rather throw my vote away
than use it to support a flawed system.

Can we make our first adventure fixing this?

I keep thinking about lawn care.
Okay, buddy.

Who sold you this shitty serum?
What'd he look like?

Just like you. I got it from the Citadel.

Hot damn, hitting the ground running
with a Citadel episode.

See you later, masturbators.

Hi, I'm Citadel's new mascot, Andy,

because this place wouldn't be home
without Ricks Andy Mortys.

Dumb.
Oof. What happened to this place?

There's a Morty president now.

Oh, that's cute. They rebuilt.
They made it nicer.

They made it Glendale.
Goddamn, you are cantankerous.

Even pooping hurts now.

Yeah, well, this place
is gonna fix you right up.

Okay, so, we've got a standard Morty
that's been aged to... 40?

Can you reverse it?
Well, if you look at it like a bone,

what we can do is break his age
in two places, remove the middle,

and graft its ends back together.
That sounds really violent.

It's not a literal bone, Morty.
Oh, okay.

Brace yourself, the process
does also break every bone in your body.

Wait! Ooh, ow.

I like crayons.
Girls are gross.

I think I feel like myself again.

You look a little weird.
Your skin's all pink like a baby mouse.

Is that normal?
Probably.

Sign here for storage or disposal
of the 26 years we removed.

Wait, what?
I ain't paying to store 26 years.

Then you're taking it with you.

I'm almost ready to sell out.

All right, what's disposal cost?

Something unfair's happening.

There's no escape! No escape!

Let me help you. This is not a good look.

Oh, boy.
Hey, they shot me!

You are seriously hurting
the Citadel experience!

Listen to me!
Drop the gun.

Death is coming for us all,

and the Citadel
is a weapon of mass destru--

Whoof.
You're about to get suspended with pay.

Come on, let's get out of here
before this gets political.

Was I... influential?

Yeah, you were influential.

You had, like, seven blogs.

Tight.

Too late. Rick C137.

President Morty requests
you join him for dinner.

Whoa, seriously?

You know I destroyed this place?
You've been pardoned for that.

Let's have dinner with the Morty president.

The idea was to get back
to simple adventures.

The Citadel runs on canon.

Okay. I guess things really are
just going right back to how they were.

Fine. I could eat.

But the second he reveals he's evil,
we're gone.

I don't know. It tastes pretty good.

Okay, let me know
if you start feeling poisony.

Good to have you back, buddy. Mm.

Sorry I'm late.
Never really ends around here.

Look at this, Morty.
They really did make a you the president.

And I hate them every day for it.

But, wow, Rick C137.

Now that's a guy
to move your schedule around for.

Not here to blow
the place up again, I hope.

Ha! Not unless you try to keep me here.

Jeez, wouldn't dream of it.

But it's amazing you dropped by because
I was eventually going to hunt you down.

There's the reveal. Let's dance.
Ha! Jeez.

Rick, come on. The guy got elected president
by Ricks and Mortys. He's being really nice.

All politicians are nice.
He's a hot bag of peanuts, isn't he?

We've been through a lot.
And he does not like--

Serialized drama.

Right, no drama. Keep it episodic.
Ricks never look back.

Waste of a legend in his case.

You know he practically built this place?
Wait, what?

And now you're running it
squeaky clean, right?

That's why you've got deformed Mortys
coming up through the sewer

talking about hope and change?

Fair enough.
Good clapback, Rick.

What's the deal with that, Mister P?

I got a little project going on.
Required some handson labor.

It would require less
if you were willing to tell me

how one might bring down
the Central Finite Curve.

Time to go.
I want to know what he's talking about.

Yeah, you've come all this way.
Can you give me ten more seconds?

Literally ten?
Because now it would be six.

I'm fine with that. Make it two, one...

Like I said, would have been
a big help for you to tell me,

but I should have everything
I need from you now.

Let me just make sure.

You can't scan an entire brain
over appetizers.

Oh, most of yours
got scanned a long time ago.

You probably don't remember.

Check out season one,
episode nine, Rick Heads.

Excel- --sior.

Evil Rick.
We kicked his ass.

Evil Rick. I love it.

Smartest man in the universe.

With an ego so big
you can just grab it like a joystick.

Looks complete. I was afraid
I'd have to kill every Rick on the Citadel

to get what I needed.
You asshole. I vouched for you.

He only came here because I asked him to.
I'm sorry, Rick.

That apology and a screwdriver in my hand
would be worth a screwdriver.

You sellout Mortys kill me.

I'd hate you more than the Ricks you worship
if there was any point.

But you can't help it. You were bred for it.

Want to see?

You already know rogue Ricks used Mortys
to hide themselves from the Citadel.

But you might not know it worked so well
that the Citadel became its own Morty Market.

And I'm sure you don't know
how far they've gone

to help supply meet demand.

Sure, Ricks could scour infinity
for naturally occurring grandsons.

But why bother? So much work.
Such an admission of need.

There aren't infinite versions
of our grandfather, Morty.

He's an infinite smear
of one shitty old man.

And he's attached to us infinitely
through his weakness and our forgiveness.

This is why we're with him.
This is why we're alive.

What the fuck? Rick, say this isn't true.

It isn't the whole truth.
Liar!

It's complicated.
I'm not busy.

Okay, Morty, remember when I said
all I need was your apology

and a screwdriver in my hand?

Well, I forgot I literally have
a screwdriver in my hand.

I mean, duh doy,
I'm basically inspector Gadget.

Uhoh.

It's okay. He's free to go.

He's the Rickest Rick.
We'll never see him again.

Morty, when you came here for that serum,
did you refill this gun?

Yeah.
Oh!

Holy shit!

I only know one man
that ever hacked my portal gun,

and it turned out it was evil you.

Yay! He's all caught up.

Wait. Hold it. Hold it.

Who's that?
Time for Big Boy. Duck.

Does he like it?

It's a metaphor for capitalism, Morty.
What do you think?

Yoink.

You can't outrun your past, Rick.

Did you think my forcefield
would be down the second time?

I was expressing disapproval
of your dialogue.

Disapprove all you want.

Tonight, the quality of dialogue
stops mattering.

Tonight, I do that thing I want to do
with the curve thing.

Nobody leave, everybody stay.

Nobody leave, everybody stay.

Nobody leave, everybody stay.

Nobody leave, everybody stay.

Nobody leave, everybody stay.

In uncertain times like these,

I think it's important to say,
"Eat shit, fuck you."

The drug companies paid for me
to say every word.

I have millions of dollars
and I don't care if you live or--

No! Fuck, no! Whoa!

I'd just like to say
that prescription drugs are great,

You should buy them now.

What's happening, Rick?

He hacked the entire city's portal supply.

Come on. There still might be one way
out of here. Out the bottom.

What do you think he needed
from your brain?

I assume schematics
for the Citadel's dimensional drive.

If he's going to use it to blow the curve,
we do not want to be here.

What is the Central Finite Curve?
Q and A after our survival.

Hopefully, we can snag
some untainted fluid at the source

and get the fuck out of here.

Or not.

Wow, I thought my capitalism metaphor
was on the nose.

Ow! Oh!

So, did you help build the Citadel?
Did you just lie to me about everything?

Can't we just sneak through the cave base?

We turned a new leaf, Morty.
We're back to simple adventures.

It's not a new leaf
until you tell me everything.

Morty, we don't have time for this.
The place is gonna blow.

No, I don't trust you.

I don't want to do this if I'm not
going to get straight answers.

Goddamn it.
Here's my fucking downloaded brain, Morty.

You want to jump the shark?

You want to know my stupid
crybaby backstory?

Knock yourself out. Not now!

Booyah. Nice one, Morty.

Whoa. Dead wife?

Yes, now everyone can shut up about it.

Wow, Rick.

I feel a lot better having seen all that.

Of course that's the case.
In their minds, they're the underdogs.

And that's how they justify this.

Morty, I'm not responsible
for every fuckedup Rick out there.

They literally all say that.

They all have that excuse.
It's part of their system.

None of them have to be responsible.
They're all victims of themselves.

Oh, it's so hard to be a genius.
Couldn't you just die?

What are you doing about it?
Jack shit. I'm leaving.

Do you know what
the Central Finite Curve is?

They built a wall around infinity.

They separated all the infinite universes
from all the infinite universes

where he's the smartest man in the universe.

Every version of us has spent
every version of all of our lives

in one infinite crib
built around an infinite fucking baby.

And I'm leaving it.
That's what makes me evil.

Being sick of him.

If you've ever been sick of him,
you've been evil, too.

Rick, did you really leave the crows for me?

Or did you come back
because they dumped you?

There you go, kid.
Now you're Evil Morty, too.

Sooner or later, we all are
on this side of the curve.

Don't worry, Morty.

We still got a way out they never
thought of: Operation Phoenix.

Doesn't that still mean death?
Sure, but the joke's on them.

Because we just found a backdoor
to getting off this rock.

Rerouted.

Rerouted. Rerouted. Rerouted.

Rerouted. Rerouted. Rerouted.

Oh, my fucking God!

Come on, Morty. We gotta go.
Whoa!

You can come if you want.
Don't blame me if you don't.

From where I sit, Morty,
that's the best deal on the table.

I don't have a real plan.

Thanks, pal.
I'm glad you ignored my advice.

It's just as well.
I lied. That second seat's a toilet.

Oh, super dick move.

But weirdly kind of cool to admit it.

Jeez, you guys really are
bred for forgiveness. Let's go.

Say goodbye to the Citadel, fellas.

Oowee!
Evil Morty. That was quite a scheme.

Makes me wonder
if there's an evil me out there.

But I guess, sometimes, I look at my life
and I may not even need him.

Because, well, guess I've made
a pretty big mess of things myself.

Oowee...

Never got my job at the university back.
Remember that?

Rick made me do karate.
It was kinda funny.

But I guess things went downhill from there.

Started isolating myself from Amy.

Used to tell her everything I was feeling.

But then I guess I stopped

because I wanted her to love
who she thought I was,

not who I felt myself becoming.

Ever think about how horrified
the people we love would be

if they found out who we truly are?

So we just dig ourselves deeper
into our lies every day.

Ultimately hurting the only people
brave enough to love us.

Wish I didn't do that.

Wish I was brave enough to love them back.

I don't know. Maybe you should try it.

We don't have as much time as we think.
Oowee...