Rick and Morty (2013–…): Season 5, Episode 1 - Mort Dinner Rick Andre - full transcript

Come on, Rick. We're almost there.

Leave me, Morty.
It's the only way.

Wha-Were-Wha-Were we--

Were we Blades in that one?
That's fucking tight.

Just stay with me.

I'm-I'm scared, Morty. I can see the end.

I'm a silly man. I'm a silly, small man.

I'm-I'm sorry I got you into this.

Then how about I get us out of this?

Hello?
Hey, Jessica.

It's Morty. From school.



Oh, hey, Morty. What's up?

Um, I just want to say that you're really great.
I know the timing never really worked out,

but you're great,
and I wish I got to know you better.

Oh. I mean. That's a lot.

Oh, uh, yeah, sorry. I guess I just--

No, I just wish you said it sooner.

What?
Yeah, I mean, being nervous

is sort of selfish sometimes, you know?
Yeah, that's a great point.

Well, what are you doing tonight?

Tonight?
Yeah.

Do you want to watch a movie, or something?

Um, yeah. Tonight. Sounds great.

Holy shit. Holy shit.

Come on, come on!



Oh.

Where are we?
We're home, Rick.

I landed us in the ocean.

The ocean? The ocean on Earth?

Uh, yeah, I guess so.
Oh, shit.

Holy shit. We have to go.
We have to go right fucking now.

What?
You touched the ocean, Morty!

What's the big--?
Oh, fuck. Shit.

What?
Shit.

Richard! You have desecrated

the sacred treaty
betwixt land and sea.

Now face the wrath
of your once and eternal foe,

Mr. Nimbus!

Sorry. Who is that?
My nemesis.

What?
My fucking nemesis, okay?

Okay, but what was his name again?
I am Mr. Nimbus!

He's gonna say that a lot.

Wait, so who is coming over again?

He said his nemesis.
Rick has a nemesis?

I guess.
Has he mentioned him before?

I was gonna ask you. First I'm hearing it.

Who is he? Like, a magic guy?

Rick's science, and he's magic?

He's, like, a fish?
A fish.

He's not a fish, he's Mr. Nimbus.

He's king of the ocean,
and he's a piece of shit.

Are you happy, Morty?
Are you happy you touched the ocean?

He's gonna be here any minute.
Help me smooth this over,

or this guy's gonna be more trouble
than he's worth.

Um, hey, I don't know how much
I can help out tonight, Rick.

Jessica's coming over, just to,
like, watch a movie or something,

but you know, that's a good step.

That's a solid step to something, you know?

Nobody cares about your dick, Morty.
The sooner you learn that, the better.

You just don't want me happy because
then I'll stop doing your crazy chores.

Trust me, after that ocean fuckup,
you don't get to do anything crazy.

While I bullshit my way through this
peace summit treaty with Nimbus,

Summer is gonna dive
into the Marianas Trench

to recover the forbidden shell
that gives him his power,

because Summer can be trusted.

Let's lick tits.

I don't love that.
Of course you don't.

You guys aren't getting any.

Actually, your father and I
have been very sexpositive lately.

Eww.
Dr. Wong suggested we experiment.

We've been watching pornography.
Together.

Gross!
I might never come back from the ocean.

Oh, you'll have to tone it down, babe.

The squares can't handle it.

There are suicide capsules
in all of your teeth.

Do what you want with that.
Morty, you're on booze duty.

Okay, Nimbus only drinks the good shit,

so just toss this
whaleass ocean wine in here

and age it up a few centuries.

So, time moves faster in there?
It's like a Narnia thing?

I'm not a beaver who believes
in Jesus Christ, Morty.

But yeah, it's pretty much a Narnia thing.

Okay, but Jessica--
All you have to do is bring wine.

When do I ask you for anything?
When do you--?

I haven't been to
a full week of school in years!

I don't know shit! And for what?

How many enemies do you have to have?
Why is everything a fight with you?

You might want to learn this early, Morty.

Life is a fight.
With Mr. Nimbus?

Are you making fun of me?

Mr. Nimbus is
an icecold dick killer, Morty.

Okay, let's go.
That's his magic ocean horn.

Is that Mr. Nimbus?

Nimbus.
Richard.

You look like ass.

Let's get this over with.

I'm sorry. This is the guy?

Jerry.
Hold on. No.

I've seen you fuck a planet,
and this is the guy you're afraid of?

I like this one, Rick.
He is unbroken. Untamed.

Perhaps he could use
a firmer grip upon his leash.

Okay, that's enough.
I'm calling the police.

Go ahead.
Jerry.

I will!
Good. I control them.

Excuse me?
He controls police, Jerry.

Right, that tracks. In Dumb World.

Police? A strange horny ocean man
is on my lawn.

Well, I don't see how
that's relevant, but we're white.

Freeze!

Fight.

Fuck.

Flee.
Let's get outta here.

Shall we, Richard?
Okay, but how did he--

Jesus Christ, Jerry. He's Mr. Nimbus.
He controls the police!

Um, hello? Am I in the right place?

I just saw a bunch of cops
having sex with each other?

Hi! Jessica! Hi! Yeah, yup,
you're in the right spot.

Uh, everyone, this is Jessica.
This is everybody. Uh, this is--

I am Mr. Nimbus.
Jesus, Nimbus, just get inside.

Morty, grab the wine.

Yeah, in a minute. Come on, Jessica.

Stand aside.

Unless you are worthy of Nimbus.

If that means
what I think it means,

I'll have you know,
we watch porn together.

Oh!
Ooh!

Wow, okay! Looks like you guys
just got the nod.

The nod?
Mr. Nimbus has a sense for these things.

I take it you're a sexpositive couple?

Oh, yeah. Very much so.
We watch porn together.

Great! I'll mark you down
as eligible for a threeway.

Here's all the information you'll need.

The king of the ocean
wants to have a threesome with us?

Totally optional, but a remarkable
option to have, I assure you.

Very jealous.
There's a form on the last page

so we know where to send
the gift basket.

So, that just happened.

You don't sound upset about it.

Neither do you.

Oh, my God. Is this happening? To us?

I thought this only happened
in New York or on HBO.

Dr. Wong hasn't been wrong yet.

You're right. This is exactly
what she was talking about.

So, uh, yeah. Just make
yourself comfortable.

You know, choose a movie, or--

Or we can watch some
interdimensional cable if you want.

We now return to Nintendo 69.

Nintendo, oh,
what are you doing to me?

Oh, Nintendo, oh, Nin--

Or we can watch whatever, you know.
Whatever you're into.

Morty, did I hear you're getting wine?

Yeah, I gotta get some wine
for Mr. Nimbus.

Got any extra?
Oh. Uh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I'll go get some.
Cool.

Just for you.
Hurry back.

Looks like you could use a hand.

Oh, hey! Yeah, that'd be great.

No problem.
Hoovy? Dinner's ready!

Be right there, sugar hoof!

Just helping this young man
through a portal

with that crate full of alcohol
that's been here for decades.

Hey, thanks, Hoovy. I really appreciate that.

I got a girl over,
and I really, really like her.

I'm just nervous.
Oh, I know that feeling.

When I first started seeing Bova,

I could only think about all
the ways I was gonna mess it up.

So, what'd you do?
Oh, I messed it up.

But I found the one who loves me for that.

Thanks. I really needed to hear that.

Here, take one of these.
Oh, you don't have to.

No, I want to.
You have a good day, Hoovy.

You have a great time with that lady up there.

Just relax.
Will do!

Bova?

Why did you leave us, Father?

Japheth? When were you born?

I swore to Mother, if I ever met you,
I'd avenge her.

It wasn't my fault.

Whose, then? Whose?

The boy from the magic door.

Shall we discuss terms?

Yeah, fine. Whatever. Terms.

Term number one, I am King of the Ocean.

The place I shit? Go ahead.

Term number two, stop shitting in the ocean.

No idea-
what you're talking about.

Delicious. Another.

Oh, uh, well, I was thinking
of using this one for--

Morty, just give him the bottle. God damn.

Another!
Morty, you get the wine?

Hey, Jessica. Um, yeah, sorry.

I just-Just going back to get it.

Oh. I thought you already went.

I did! I just-Just got a little busy.

Going right now, again!
You go ahead and fire up that movie!

That's okay. I'll wait for you.

Holy shit, holy shit,
holy shit, holy shit!

I've been waiting for you.

Oh, wow. Hoovy, right?

Never say his name!

Jesus Christ!

Why-Why is every old guy
super jacked?

Sorry! I'm sorry! I just need the wine!
I'm sorry! Stop it!

Fucking kill you!
Ow!

Okay, screw this!

You know what?

You!
Yeah, fuck you, Hoovy!

Father?

It's him! I told you he'd come back!
Holy shit.

Okay, look, he wasn't old
like 10 seconds ago.

Ow! Motherfucker!

I'm sorry, Father.
I'm sorry we never believed.

He'll come back. Stop him.

Stop him.

Papa, why do we guard the gate?

Because one day,
the Dark Child shall return.

And we will be ready.

Delicious. Where is your wine boy,
Richard? I thirst.

He's getting it. Stop eating beignets like that.

"Participant voids all liability
in the event of death by orgasm"?

Are we really ready to open things this wide?

What if it gets weird?
What if I fall in love with him?

No, no, no, no, no. Damn it!

What was that?
Another scheme of yours, Richard?

I know you're planning something.

It's nothing. Will you excuse me, please?

What the fuck is going on?
Where's the wine?

Dad was horny and I dropped it.
I can't believe you're fucking this up.

I'm not fucking it up!
There's a guy in the thing.

There's always a guy in the thing!

Land dwellers do not
keep Nimbus waiting and live.

Be right out!

Goddammit. Do you see this
whisper kitchen Frasier bullshit

you're making me do?
Morty, just get the wine.

Beth and Jerry,
stop trying to fuck Nimbus.

He propositioned us.
We wouldn't do it here.

He propositions everybody!

Hey, hey, hey, Jessica. What's up?

Seems like you're busy.

No, no, no! I ran into a little trouble.

But-But I'll go get that wine right now.

But you said were going to get it,
like, twice already.

I was, and I'm getting it right now.

Holy shit, it's him!

God damn it!
What do you want me to say?

I'm sorry!

We finally beat him.

But let's always remain vigilant,
because you never know.

He might be back one day.

Okay, Narnia! Let's go. Let's fucking go!

It is over. The boy is not coming back.

He always comes back.

You have wasted our lives,
our very futures, on a fantasy!

A lie!
I know what I saw.

You saw nothing!

You are a foolish boy!

Those called fools are the only ones
brave enough to see the truth.

Tell me, Father.

Am I a fool now?

I was born in the pits that made these stones.

I lost my years building a temple to a lie.

So, I made lies my power.

And what is power, but a lie we--

Oh, shit, he's real!

He's real! I was wrong!

I was so wrong! God is re--

Wow. impeccable service. Big tip.

I liked your other one more.

What was his name? Kyle?

What?
Nothing.

Can we just sign this thing and go?

Jessica, I'm so sorry.
I mean, it's fine.

You were only gone like a couple minutes.

Morty, are you okay?

I'm-I'm sorry, Jessica.
We just never seem to get it right, do we?

No, I guess we don't.

But I'm glad you called me.

Maybe we can start over,
get it right this time.

Yeah. I'd-I'd like that.

Thanks for bringing the wine.

Totally worth it.

Do we need an opener?

Oh. I'll-I'll go get it.

Mm. I do so love to sign upon the dotted line.

Shall we?
Jesus Christ, yes.

And who is your witness?
My witness is the squid.

Really proud of this
SeaWorld theme, aren't you?

Hey, just get a witness, man.
Don't make this about me.

Or perhaps, Richard has no one
with whom he can trust his life.

Who truly knows him, save me.

Fine! I'll get someone. Oh, my God.

Morty! Come here. I need you for some bullshit.

Look, Rick, I've done everything you've asked.
Can I just have some time with my girlfriend?

Your girlfriend?

I mean, she's not--

We kissed, but I'm just trying to take it slow.

You gotta give these things
time to breathe, you know?

Do you know why you're special, Adam?

Because I am The Traveler?
Yes.

You will be the one to pass through the door.

You will be the one to end our pain.

But, Mother, what about my pain?

Your pain shall set us free.

It is time to begin.

Again.

Again!

You are not ready.
Please, Mother.

Do you think he will show you mercy?

Like he did to us? Again!

Does anyone need anything?

Does Nimbus need anything?

Holy shit!
Don't judge.

We're growing as a couple!

Why is this happening to me?

For the future!

You dare assassinate Nimbus?

Sorry, wait. Who is that?

Get in line, pal!

Such a waste.

Mother?

Jessica!

You just had to touch the ocean.

Shut up!

There isn't time to--

It's all fucked, and you fucked it!

Huh?
You're early.

What is this place?

The end. But also, a beginning.

Isn't every end a beginning?
Stay back!

I don't want your strippeddown,
Sundance scifi bullshit.

Where's Jessica?
Jessica.

That was her name, wasn't it?
Thank you, Morty. I had forgotten.

Oh, right. You'll be needing this.

For the wine.

Oh, shit, we got him!

Can you believe he bought
that fucking tree bullshit?

We fucking got him!

Very well. If you seek war
with Atlantis, you shall have it.

Oh, I've already been to war with Atlantis
when I DDay'd that Mermaid puss!

I knew that was you! Prepare my exit parade.

Say goodbye to your precious dry land,

for soon, it will be wet! Wet!

Yeah, global warming
is already doing that, asshole.

But sure, yeah, go for it.
Make us slightly more wet!

Am I a joke to you?
Yes, you are a fucking joke!

You fucking suck! You've always sucked!

You know why we haven't fought in years?

You're an embarrassment to me,
and I don't need you anymore.

I don't need anybody.

All I do is eat ass
and 69 Nintendos, bro. Every day.

Or maybe, you hate me

because I am the only man
to see how far you have fallen.

I used to fear you. Respect you.

Now all that's left is pity
for a sad, drunk shell of a man

too afraid to see how alone he truly is.

If Diane were alive today,
what would she think--

Don't fucking establish canonical
backstory with me, you Red Lob--

Oh, good. You're awake.

I just took some wine! I said I was sorry.

What the fuck is wrong with you people?

I have been asking that for centuries.

I was created to study you, Morty. To know you.

But the closer I looked,
the more I do not recognize myself.

Uh, yeah, man,
I really don't have time for--

I have often wondered.
who would we be without you, Morty?

Are we anything beyond our hatred?

And when she came,
I thought she would be the answer.

Frozen in time. Forever asleep.

We could not understand her purpose,
so we hid her away.

Why do we always hide the truths we--

I don't give a shit, nerd!

Let her go!
Why did I clone myself genitals?

Ow! Oh!
I don't care, bitch! Do it!

Asshole!
Yeah, I guess I am an asshole!

You know, sometimes, you gotta be an asshole!

My grandpa taught me that!
Okay, okay, okay, fine!

Morty?
Hey, Jessica.

Wow. Must've been some nap, huh?

Is that, ooze or--
I'm not sure what to call it.

It looks like ooze.

Okay. We can catch up later.

What the--?

Rick! Rick!

--ster motherfucker.

Rick! Help!
Screw this. What am I even doing?

Where are you--?

Come back here.
I'm going to make the land wet!

You know what, I'd love to see it.

Do it! God, do anything!

Just don't use me as an excuse anymore.

Rick!

Wow. That was intense.

You look stressed.

We signed the paperwork.

I must go.
Your people have our number!

Your starfish mentioned
some kind of basket?

Jesus, Morty.
Stop! No, no! Not today!

Can't you go one day without--

What the--
I fucked it up, okay?

It's okay, Morty. That's what you do.

Now lemme Deus Ex Machina
this shit and let's go home.

God, why does everyone
go CyberPunk Bird?

So fucking hack.

Oh, shit. Well, that's cool.

Okay, we might be a little fucked.

Did you think I would
let you die alone, Richard?

I am Mr. Nimbus!

Wow. Phew. You still got time for that movie?

Yes. Time.

I had nothing but time. Endless time.

At first, it was madness.

Then, enlightenment.

Then madness again.

But perhaps it was a gift.

I could see the life of time.

And as I watched the life of time
in all its fleeting, terrible light,

I wondered, had I lived?

Was I just the object in another's story?

Was that all I ever was? Could I be more?

I had nothing but time, and still no answer.

Time without purpose is a prison.

I have glimpsed into the mind of eternity,

perhaps the mind of God,

and found nothing but silence.

I think we should just be friends.

Oh, yeah. I get that.

Guess we missed our moment.

Yes. But there will be more.

For both of us. Goodbye, Morty.

Hey, how's it going?
Fuck off! I'm a Timegod.

Fighting by your side again, Richard.

It was, uh--
Yeah.

Then there is no treaty.

Because there is no war.

Aw, Nimbus. That's--
That's really chill of you, man.

Richard, before you were
my greatest enemy,

you were my only friend.

Grandpa, I got the shell!
Shit.

Okay, Nimbus, look.
You son of a bitch!

Betrayal!

My weapons, Morty!
I used them all!

Grandpa! Wait, Grandpa, what do I do?

I have the shell. Should I blow it?
Is that--? I'm gonna blow it!

Don't blow it! Destroy the horn!

What the hell?
You were supposed to destroy the horn!

How was I supposed to know that?

Police!

Take this piece of shit to jail.

I told- I told you.

He's an icecold dick killer!

Nimbus!

Wait. So, how can he--

Jesus, Summer. He's Mr. Nimbus.
He controls the police!

Jer, I think more than one safe word
sort of defeats the point.

I know, I just wanna make sure
we have every opportunity to stop.

Super excited about it, though.

Me too, so excited.

Jerry, are we doing this
because we both want this?

Or because it's what we think
the other one wants?

I just wanted to prove
that I love you so much,

I would do this for you!
Same!

Let's take that prize and get out
before we make a huge mistake.

Getting cold feet?

No. Please don't tell Rick.

He wouldn't understand.
Yes, he would.