Rick and Morty (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 9 - Childrick of Mort - full transcript
What kind of
parents drag their kids away
for the entire week
of spring break?
I'm missing Mike
Triscuit's drug party.
Look at this.
He's already watching
"Euphoria"
to pregame.
Pregame. Game.
Video game.
Yes, yes, drugs and video games.
Poor babies.
What you need is to level up
with a bong rip of nature.
Trust me,
this is good for you.
Can someone just kill me?
Grandpa Rick,
you can kill anything.
No, he can't, Summer.
We're roughing it.
And that means no sci-fi
bull-[bleep]
- Isn't that right, Rick?
- Uh-huh.
- Rick, was that a sci-fi
phone call? - Shut up, Jerry.
Damn it, I didn't think
she had this number.
Why are you building a Faraday
box to block out the signal?
Oh, my God, Grandpa's
ghosting someone.
I'm not ghosting.
Hey! Give it back, Summer!
"Rick.
Please answer me.
I'm pregnant"?!
Oh, my God, Grandpa,
you [bleep] boi.
I'm not a [bleep] boi
[burps] Summer!
There's no way those kids
are mine.
Wow. At least we know why Rick
actually came on the trip...
to avoid his
[bleep]-guy problems.
- Why would this person lie?
- I don't know, honey.
She's addicted
to what the Rick did.
You know, it's... it's...
it's a tale as old
as my huge dynamite penis.
Can we turn the radio on?
I am not letting
you abandon those kids
- like you abandoned me.
- Oh, my God!
We're going to see
this baby mama right now!
What, like, literally now?
Yes, now!
That's an order.
Aah!
No!
This is exactly
what I was talking about!
Rick, I hope you realize
the tubing permit
- was non-refundable! - Relax, Jerry,
we'll be in and out in a minute,
and then you can get right back
to your dumb vacation
with a family
that doesn't need you.
Kind of expected
someone to defend me,
but, sure, okay.
Hello, Gaia.
Hold on.
Let me just adjust my
Seismic-to-English translator.
Rick. You came.
- W-Where is she?
- You're looking at her.
I-I-I-I don't understand.
Isn't it obvious, Morty?
I [bleep] a planet.
CREDITS
So, what, you just go around
knocking up planets now?
I-I-Is that what you do
when I'm at school?
I'm a scientist, Morty.
I try things.
Sex with a living planet?
Big step for mankind.
Yeah, we finally broke
the deadbeat dad barrier.
- Ah, where the magic happened.
- Gross.
Hey, uh, Gaia, baby,
Big Daddy Rick is here.
- What's the problem?
- Children.
Birth cycle. Now.
Okay, gettin' right into it.
- I am! I am!
- Jesus Christ!
- I am! - I am!
- I am!
- Dad, do something! Make it stop!
- You think I know how to stop this?
I thought she was gonna
shit an egg.
Cool vacation, guys.
So happy I got to see
the human geyser
instead of micro-dosing
with my friends.
More coming. Kids.
Need father.
Yeah, um, Baby Quakes,
how big is your orbit again?
I mean, not to say
you get around, but, um...
Are you kidding me?
Look at them!
They look just like you.
Yeah, and snakes
look like dildos, Beth.
- What's your point?
- They do?
The fact is even if they
were mine,
which they're not,
the best parent is evolution.
They'll probably develop harder
skin or maybe even webbed arms.
Man, that'd be cool, huh?
Flying squirrel people?
Yeah, Dad, that approach
worked out great for me.
Beth, I know it looks bad,
but trust me.
This is life
in the galaxy, okay?
It's totally normal.
Fine.
You won't do something, I will.
Welp, there
goes the surprise!
I was gonna have us jump
on the trampoline
after we caught
our first fish. I am!
- What? You're stupid.
- I am!
- I am! I am!
- Beth, that's not gonna help.
Uh, I hate to
agree with Rick,
but shouldn't
we just let this be?
We're supposed to be
on vacation.
You're unemployed, Jerry!
Every day
is a vacation for you.
- Okay, ouch.
- You guys do whatever you want.
I'm staying here
and fixing this.
- I am!
- I am!
Goddamn it, Beth,
if you're gonna do it,
at least do it right.
Gaia, baby, gonna need
a little raw iron and steam.
Whatever you need, baby.
- So much for camping.
- Nope.
We are going camping.
There's trees over there.
We're on solid ground.
- Mom!
- Summer, Morty,
go camp with your father.
- Ohh, son of a bitch.
- Son of a bitch.
- I am! - I am!
- I am!
Welp, welcome to lack
of abandonment.
Dad, can we please go back
and hang out
with Grandpa's clay people?
Why? Because they might
have a Sega Dreamcast?
Why is it so hard for you two
to let nature in?
Because this sucks ass.
Camping is just
being homeless
without the change.
Well, that attitude is
exactly why we're out here.
You guys wouldn't last
two seconds on your own.
You're only happy when
you're penned in
and drugged up like
some kind of chicken or lemur.
Hey!
I told you kids no phones!
There's not even any service.
Just... Just let us
be happy for a minute.
You know, maybe if you
two stopped whining
and let your old man
take the reins,
you might actually
learn something.
Here.
Take a bite of this tasty treat.
Oh, you think this s'more
makes you special?
What? Because someone said,
"good job,"
to you once
when you were 10?
That's actually really sad, dad.
Let's be real.
You've been high-roading us
non-stop,
forcing us to do nothing
in the middle of [bleep]
nowhere because
it's the only way
you're gonna level
the playing field, isn't it?
Because if you move the bar
so low,
you might actually seem like
you're worth a [bleep]
Huh.
I'm gonna go take a walk.
Jesus Christ.
you really need to stop
hanging out with Rick.
Okay, so, if we divert
the Lawyer Pipeline here,
they should avoid
the Ethics Tube
and come out spineless enough
to do their job.
Right.
Wait, why are the athletes
going through
the introvert sector?
Obviously so they can bully
the mathematicians
- and give us astronomers.
- God, you are such a space nerd.
I'm not a nerd. We're raising
a society here, Beth.
If we want them to be
self-sufficient,
they need to get out
into space.
Birth cycle. Coming.
We got you, Gai-Gai! Shoot 'em
hard and up the middle!
We got an oversupply
of teachers
putting a strain
on the literary drive.
Activating playwright
converter!
Aah!
Nice work, honey.
Okay, the therapists
are getting bored.
We need to increase
- their supply of incest porn.
- 20% wasn't enough?
What the hell is that?
The unproductives.
Goddamn it!
- How are there so many of them?
- Unproductives?
Yeah, deejays, foodies,
influencers.
I just re-circulate them
through until...
[Bleep] they blew a hole in
the human resources department!
- I'm putting this in your file!
- Downsizing already? - You're fired!
We gotta fix this, Dad.
We can't keep
recycling them through.
I could add an online
[burps] college workaround.
Or just push them out
through a pipe in the back.
- Same thing.
- Same thing.
These kids may not be mine,
but you definitely are.
Look at you.
My little steampunk overlord.
Eeee!
I don't think
he's coming back.
You know, you... you really
messed him up, Summer.
Yeah, well,
he called me a lemur.
Let's just go
find grandpa.
Maybe he can portal us home
or something.
- Should we leave a note?
- Dad is fine.
He's probably
sucking off a tree
and having the time
of his life right now.
Guess you don't want to learn
how to skip rocks, either.
Aah!
Aaah!
Whoa! Whoa!
Aah! Aaaaaah!
Ohh!
Aaaaaah!
Gah!
Ohhhh!
Aaah!
Aah!
Aah!
Aaah!
Ow! Hey!
Aah!
Aaaaah!
Aaaaaaaah!
Ohh!
Who are you guys?
We are...
unproductives.
Ahh, I get it.
Bunch of bull-[bleep]
What is that?
This?
This is camping.
Camping?
Ooh!
Camping!
Camping! Camping!
** Well there's a new thing
going round **
** People sleepin' on
the ground **
** And if it's fun to do
then we're not doing it **
** And that's called
camping **
** Let's go
camping **
** Do you wanna go
camping? **
** Can't wait to go
camping **
** Even if you hate
camping **
** You still gotta go
CA-AM-PING **
** EEK MOK MO MIR **
Good work there, TickTock.
Keep whittling.
Incredible.
You've almost got smoke
over there, Florflock.
There you go, guys!
Pump those cheeks.
That's the camping spirit.
What the... Squeeb!
This is not a tent.
It is a new
kind of tent,
with special gutters
to funnel the rain, and a door.
It's a house! No houses!
No doors! Once you have doors,
you have indoors.
Once you have indoors,
you won't want to camp anymore.
Then why do they not camp?
Because they're bad.
Bad. Bad. Bad.
Bad! Bad! Bad!
Oh, my God.
Maybe Dad was right.
Maybe we have
no life skills.
I've definitely drank more pee
than I care to remember.
I'm just gonna sit down.
If I die, don't eat my ass.
That'd be weird.
Uh, Summer?
Damn, you think
they got infected
by a mind slug
or something?
Probably drove through a nebula
that made them
see their own fears.
Whoa!
These controls.
It's just like my video game
controllers.
I just wish I could read
these symbols.
This looks just like
Tricia's bong.
Morty, I think these tubes
might contain
all of their
collective knowledge.
- Mm!
- Well?
I think we got this, bro.
Beth,
you wanna do the honors?
What? Really? Wow.
Okay.
Here we go.
_
If you told me six days ago
I'd be christening
a generation ship for
my half-rock children,
I would've called
you crazy.
But I guess that's the lesson...
crazy things happen
when you put in the work.
Salud!
[Bleep] Doopnar!
Sing something!
Great toast, Dad.
- Thanks, sweetie.
- Damn, listen to those pipes.
You sure these
kids are yours?
What, you've never heard me
sing karaoke?
I'm... I'm pretty good when
someone's in my register,
like the guy that sings
"Circle of Life."
Can't remember his name.
Dresses up weird.
Look at this.
Everyone's happy.
They're about to go
into space.
I know things haven't always
been great with us,
but we do make
a pretty good team.
Uh, Rick?
Can we talk?
Kinda in the middle of
a breakthrough with my daughter.
Go ahead, Dad.
Gaia deserves some time, too.
- They're your kids.
- Yes, about that.
Pam!
It's good to see you, baby!
Um, Gaia?
You know this guy?
Ha! You call her Gaia?
- So lame.
- Is that...
- God?
- Rick. The kids.
I messed up.
You're not their father.
Little ones!
Daddy's here!
I'm sending some fog down.
Feel my presence
through the fog!
- Ooh!
- Beth! What the [bleep] Don't touch it!
You gotta be kidding me.
God is the father?
No hard feelings, okay?
We thought they were yours,
you know,
because they're so small.
Oh, wow. No hard feelings.
Y-You hear that, Beth?
Guy swoops in after we raised
his whole civilization
and tells us he forgives us.
What a [bleep] mooch!
Don't push me, asshole!
Rick, I think you should go.
Seriously? You really want
this pile of dry ice
- to raise your kids?
- Stop acting like you did a good job.
You made my kids soft
and empty inside.
This city is a monument
to nothing!
Where is their faith?
Reggie is right.
The children are not ready
to leave.
- He can give them more.
- I mean, maybe we should just bail, Dad.
At least this guy is immortal
and can stick around.
Bull-[bleep] They're my kids!
We're staying!
Bad! Bad! Bad!
See? Now, this is the kind
of shit I'm talking about.
Jerry! Oh, my God!
- Is that you?
- What the hell are you doing?
- Camping.
- Oh, look, Jerry finally found his people.
All it took was
a deep enough drip pan.
You labeled these creatures
"unproductive,"
but I have given them
more purpose than ever.
Oh, yeah? They filing your
unemployment forms?
His tongue is sharp,
but it cannot whittle.
The Great Roughing of
It is at hand.
you will now join the One Family
on its Eternal Getaway.
Or join the embers over which
we hold marshmallows
at just the right distance.
Six inches!
Until it gets golden brown!
Don't let it
start on fire!
The carbon
is bad for you!
What's happening?
My children,
I give you my power.
Use it to take what is yours.
Oh, this mother-[bleep]
Raise the walls!
Walls can't stop us, Rick.
We are chosen.
Sha-boom-boom!
Sorry! Sorry!
Just trying to get
the hang of this thing.
Nice choice of chosen people,
G-diddles.
I guess you'll be playing
the "mysterious ways" card
- on that one.
- You wanna go, bro?
- I'll kick your ass myself.
- Oh, dude, don't tempt me.
When I'm done with you,
you'll need a staff
to un-part
your [bleep] face.
Guys. Please.
Not in front of the kids.
Did you for real
just try to smite me?
Siri, triangulate source
of power.
Got you now,
you son of a bitch.
Sweetie,
you handle the hippies.
I'll handle
the off-brand Yahweh.
- Kick his ass, Dad!
- Bear witness.
Now you see my true form.
The clouds were simply a shape
more appealing to Gaia's mind.
No shit. Any form is more
appealing than this.
You look like
Kid Rock [bleep] Zeus.
Oh, seriously, you expect me
to fight you like this?
You're the size of
four Empire State Buildings.
Alright, mother-[bleep]
Let's go.
Aaah! Aah!
Ha-ha!
You like that?
- Ohh!
- Here comes some pain!
Ohh!
Ow!
Ow!
And...
that last one should be...
the start button.
Perfect.
I guess we're ready.
Let's show Mom and Dad
what video games
and partying are all about.
Jesus Christ,
was that the wings?
This is not like
a video game!
Oh, my God, make it stop!
Make it stop!
How do I make it stop?! I
don't know. I'm [bleep] high!
Aah!
Oh, God,
now I'm high, too!
Jerry, that's enough.
Oh, hey, babe.
You like these plagues
I'm unleashing on your asses?
No, they're lame.
It's not a great sign
that your army's
on the same side as disease.
Sorry we aren't modern enough
to sort people by value
and shit the losers
through a mean butt tube!
Just admit this is about you
wanting to feel needed!
Says the woman who sold out
her family
for an ounce of approval
from her drunk father!
Well, maybe he drinks
because it isn't easy
- to be more powerful than God.
- Well, if it's god power
that gets you going,
light some candles
and put on the Billy Ocean
because Moses is home
and he's ready
to burn some bush!
Sha-boom-boom!
Ohh!
[Bleep] Ow!
Alright, alright, stop.
- Come on, bitch!
- Look, you win, okay?
Ju... I don't care
about the kids.
Smite them, raise them
to [bleep] sheep.
Just keep the city, okay?
My daughter and I
built that thing.
- It's important to her.
- No, bro. I'm a Zeus.
I can literally do anything.
Think I'm gonna hang around
and raise kids?
The only lesson they need
is right here... fear.
And it looks like
school's out, bitch.
- I-I think you mean school's in.
- What are...
- What are you talking about?
- I-If you're teaching fear,
- then choking me... school would be in.
- Fine.
School's in, bitch.
Oh.
What the [bleep]
Ohh! Are we dead?
D-Did we die?
I don't ever want to be
high again.
I-I got scared straight.
Oh, my God, I got scared
straight.
[Bleep] Dad was right.
We... We think
we know everything,
but maybe we're the ones
who suck.
You kids
are my [bleep] heroes!
You saved Grandpa's life!
I [bleep] love you so much!
- Papa!
- Papa!
We played video games
and got high! We did wrong!
- We did wrong! - Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, little boopas.
Come on, now. You kids,
you did real good here.
You did good.
Getting high
and playing video games
is the best,
- I swear to [bleep] God.
- But mom and dad
are gonna be mad.
No, hey, hey, look, no.
[Bleep] your mom and dad.
Your parents are a bag of dicks.
Getting high and playing
video games is the best,
and I will never
sell you out, ever.
Now, we got to get out of here
before this guy
falls out of the sky.
He's generating an ionic cloud
from his own belief system.
Holy [bleep] Summer,
were you smoking this?
You were basically
inhaling brake fluid.
Jesus!
Mm, yeah.
It's over, Beth. Tell your
people to lower the gates
and pack
- their moisture-wicking shirts.
Incoming!
Jerry!
Beth!
Just hold on!
I'm losing my grip!
- Jerry.
- Squeeb?
Use the s'more, Jerry.
Ow!
You stabbed my hand!
Sorry! Sorry!
Should...
Should we make love?
Jerry, I love you,
but I can literally
- smell your balls from here.
. Oh, wow.
Ask God for a flood next time.
It'll come with a shower.
Noted.
Aw, geez,
that... that poor guy.
Can you maybe not tell
Mom and Dad?
Relax, it's just a Zeus.
If this was the real God, it...
it'd be a completely
different story.
Rick! What did you do?!
I mean,
gravity did most of it.
- So, you, technically.
- I told you to leave!
Yeah, well, you also asked me
to raise your kids.
Uh, not sure if you heard
the phrase, "pick a lane,"
- but...
- You killed their father!
Father or not, he was
a lying piece of [bleep]
I don't care who else
stuffed your crust,
but I'm the guy
that showed up.
But I mean, if you want,
I can still power-wash his guts
- off the tower and maybe...
- Get oooout!
Okay, yeah, she's pissed.
I mean, you killed her
slam piece, Grandpa.
I don't blame her.
See? you put the fire stick
to the wood, and, voila!
- Campfire.
- You have known about this the whole time?
I'm not gonna waste my time
building you an ark,
but if your mom gets clingy, you
can use this to get some space.
Is that all you want to say to
your children before you leave?
Oh, yeah, uh,
don't ask me for money.
I mean, Gaia's not gonna
raise those guys
to hunt us down, right?
Oh, most definitely.
I put a tracker on their ship.
I'll blow it up if they come
anywhere near me.
Well, kids, never thought
I'd say this, but,
- Summer, you were right.
- Wait, what?
I thought I wanted
to teach you guys about tents,
but really,
I just wanted to feel important.
I guess sometimes teenagers
do know
what they're talking about,
even if it's mean.
Right, but didn't you, like,
go into god-mode and fight mom?
Love is the only power
that matters, Morty.
No, you had actual power,
and you did jack shit.
That was a divine staff.
You could've cured cancer
or raised the dead.
- Instead you made bugs.
- Well, I was impressed, Dad.
He saved my life,
no thanks to you.
Your kids got high
on alien mist
and drove the ship
into that Zeus guy's head.
- Basically murdered him.
- Grandpa!
- What the hell?!
- Come on! What? You did.
I mean, not to cast
the first stone,
but, Beth and Jerry, pretty
terrible parenting on your part.
Did you know Summer huffed
a K-Zax Array?
She basically
smoked "The Ring."
Most pilots die
after three days.
And Morty, the [bleep] moron,
he thought
the ship worked
like a game controller.
What in the Disney
Channel [bleep] is that?
Maybe help him with
homework next time.
He's clearly
crying for help.
CREDITS
Planets Only.
Planets Only. Planets Only.
Entire systems of steamy,
lush globes
and barely habitable
celestial objects
are drifting through
the void just for you.
- Planets Only.
- Let's terraform.
- Or colonize me as I am.
- Planets Only.
Oops, there's a hole
in my ozone.
I didn't put it there.
Did you?
I can't fill it by myself.
I'm not smart enough.
Young, dumb,
and orbiting the sun.
The greenhouse is in full effect
at Planets Only.
Oh, I want you to split my
Pangea into distinct continents.
I don't have hydrostatic
equilibrium yet.
Is that something
you can learn?
You get the idea.
- Phew!
- I was watching over your shoulder for a full minute.
So? I was watching because
it's funny.
It's... It's... They... They...
They're planets,
but they're sexy.
It's a comedic premise.
- Yeah.
- Planets Only.
Planets Only.
parents drag their kids away
for the entire week
of spring break?
I'm missing Mike
Triscuit's drug party.
Look at this.
He's already watching
"Euphoria"
to pregame.
Pregame. Game.
Video game.
Yes, yes, drugs and video games.
Poor babies.
What you need is to level up
with a bong rip of nature.
Trust me,
this is good for you.
Can someone just kill me?
Grandpa Rick,
you can kill anything.
No, he can't, Summer.
We're roughing it.
And that means no sci-fi
bull-[bleep]
- Isn't that right, Rick?
- Uh-huh.
- Rick, was that a sci-fi
phone call? - Shut up, Jerry.
Damn it, I didn't think
she had this number.
Why are you building a Faraday
box to block out the signal?
Oh, my God, Grandpa's
ghosting someone.
I'm not ghosting.
Hey! Give it back, Summer!
"Rick.
Please answer me.
I'm pregnant"?!
Oh, my God, Grandpa,
you [bleep] boi.
I'm not a [bleep] boi
[burps] Summer!
There's no way those kids
are mine.
Wow. At least we know why Rick
actually came on the trip...
to avoid his
[bleep]-guy problems.
- Why would this person lie?
- I don't know, honey.
She's addicted
to what the Rick did.
You know, it's... it's...
it's a tale as old
as my huge dynamite penis.
Can we turn the radio on?
I am not letting
you abandon those kids
- like you abandoned me.
- Oh, my God!
We're going to see
this baby mama right now!
What, like, literally now?
Yes, now!
That's an order.
Aah!
No!
This is exactly
what I was talking about!
Rick, I hope you realize
the tubing permit
- was non-refundable! - Relax, Jerry,
we'll be in and out in a minute,
and then you can get right back
to your dumb vacation
with a family
that doesn't need you.
Kind of expected
someone to defend me,
but, sure, okay.
Hello, Gaia.
Hold on.
Let me just adjust my
Seismic-to-English translator.
Rick. You came.
- W-Where is she?
- You're looking at her.
I-I-I-I don't understand.
Isn't it obvious, Morty?
I [bleep] a planet.
CREDITS
So, what, you just go around
knocking up planets now?
I-I-Is that what you do
when I'm at school?
I'm a scientist, Morty.
I try things.
Sex with a living planet?
Big step for mankind.
Yeah, we finally broke
the deadbeat dad barrier.
- Ah, where the magic happened.
- Gross.
Hey, uh, Gaia, baby,
Big Daddy Rick is here.
- What's the problem?
- Children.
Birth cycle. Now.
Okay, gettin' right into it.
- I am! I am!
- Jesus Christ!
- I am! - I am!
- I am!
- Dad, do something! Make it stop!
- You think I know how to stop this?
I thought she was gonna
shit an egg.
Cool vacation, guys.
So happy I got to see
the human geyser
instead of micro-dosing
with my friends.
More coming. Kids.
Need father.
Yeah, um, Baby Quakes,
how big is your orbit again?
I mean, not to say
you get around, but, um...
Are you kidding me?
Look at them!
They look just like you.
Yeah, and snakes
look like dildos, Beth.
- What's your point?
- They do?
The fact is even if they
were mine,
which they're not,
the best parent is evolution.
They'll probably develop harder
skin or maybe even webbed arms.
Man, that'd be cool, huh?
Flying squirrel people?
Yeah, Dad, that approach
worked out great for me.
Beth, I know it looks bad,
but trust me.
This is life
in the galaxy, okay?
It's totally normal.
Fine.
You won't do something, I will.
Welp, there
goes the surprise!
I was gonna have us jump
on the trampoline
after we caught
our first fish. I am!
- What? You're stupid.
- I am!
- I am! I am!
- Beth, that's not gonna help.
Uh, I hate to
agree with Rick,
but shouldn't
we just let this be?
We're supposed to be
on vacation.
You're unemployed, Jerry!
Every day
is a vacation for you.
- Okay, ouch.
- You guys do whatever you want.
I'm staying here
and fixing this.
- I am!
- I am!
Goddamn it, Beth,
if you're gonna do it,
at least do it right.
Gaia, baby, gonna need
a little raw iron and steam.
Whatever you need, baby.
- So much for camping.
- Nope.
We are going camping.
There's trees over there.
We're on solid ground.
- Mom!
- Summer, Morty,
go camp with your father.
- Ohh, son of a bitch.
- Son of a bitch.
- I am! - I am!
- I am!
Welp, welcome to lack
of abandonment.
Dad, can we please go back
and hang out
with Grandpa's clay people?
Why? Because they might
have a Sega Dreamcast?
Why is it so hard for you two
to let nature in?
Because this sucks ass.
Camping is just
being homeless
without the change.
Well, that attitude is
exactly why we're out here.
You guys wouldn't last
two seconds on your own.
You're only happy when
you're penned in
and drugged up like
some kind of chicken or lemur.
Hey!
I told you kids no phones!
There's not even any service.
Just... Just let us
be happy for a minute.
You know, maybe if you
two stopped whining
and let your old man
take the reins,
you might actually
learn something.
Here.
Take a bite of this tasty treat.
Oh, you think this s'more
makes you special?
What? Because someone said,
"good job,"
to you once
when you were 10?
That's actually really sad, dad.
Let's be real.
You've been high-roading us
non-stop,
forcing us to do nothing
in the middle of [bleep]
nowhere because
it's the only way
you're gonna level
the playing field, isn't it?
Because if you move the bar
so low,
you might actually seem like
you're worth a [bleep]
Huh.
I'm gonna go take a walk.
Jesus Christ.
you really need to stop
hanging out with Rick.
Okay, so, if we divert
the Lawyer Pipeline here,
they should avoid
the Ethics Tube
and come out spineless enough
to do their job.
Right.
Wait, why are the athletes
going through
the introvert sector?
Obviously so they can bully
the mathematicians
- and give us astronomers.
- God, you are such a space nerd.
I'm not a nerd. We're raising
a society here, Beth.
If we want them to be
self-sufficient,
they need to get out
into space.
Birth cycle. Coming.
We got you, Gai-Gai! Shoot 'em
hard and up the middle!
We got an oversupply
of teachers
putting a strain
on the literary drive.
Activating playwright
converter!
Aah!
Nice work, honey.
Okay, the therapists
are getting bored.
We need to increase
- their supply of incest porn.
- 20% wasn't enough?
What the hell is that?
The unproductives.
Goddamn it!
- How are there so many of them?
- Unproductives?
Yeah, deejays, foodies,
influencers.
I just re-circulate them
through until...
[Bleep] they blew a hole in
the human resources department!
- I'm putting this in your file!
- Downsizing already? - You're fired!
We gotta fix this, Dad.
We can't keep
recycling them through.
I could add an online
[burps] college workaround.
Or just push them out
through a pipe in the back.
- Same thing.
- Same thing.
These kids may not be mine,
but you definitely are.
Look at you.
My little steampunk overlord.
Eeee!
I don't think
he's coming back.
You know, you... you really
messed him up, Summer.
Yeah, well,
he called me a lemur.
Let's just go
find grandpa.
Maybe he can portal us home
or something.
- Should we leave a note?
- Dad is fine.
He's probably
sucking off a tree
and having the time
of his life right now.
Guess you don't want to learn
how to skip rocks, either.
Aah!
Aaah!
Whoa! Whoa!
Aah! Aaaaaah!
Ohh!
Aaaaaah!
Gah!
Ohhhh!
Aaah!
Aah!
Aah!
Aaah!
Ow! Hey!
Aah!
Aaaaah!
Aaaaaaaah!
Ohh!
Who are you guys?
We are...
unproductives.
Ahh, I get it.
Bunch of bull-[bleep]
What is that?
This?
This is camping.
Camping?
Ooh!
Camping!
Camping! Camping!
** Well there's a new thing
going round **
** People sleepin' on
the ground **
** And if it's fun to do
then we're not doing it **
** And that's called
camping **
** Let's go
camping **
** Do you wanna go
camping? **
** Can't wait to go
camping **
** Even if you hate
camping **
** You still gotta go
CA-AM-PING **
** EEK MOK MO MIR **
Good work there, TickTock.
Keep whittling.
Incredible.
You've almost got smoke
over there, Florflock.
There you go, guys!
Pump those cheeks.
That's the camping spirit.
What the... Squeeb!
This is not a tent.
It is a new
kind of tent,
with special gutters
to funnel the rain, and a door.
It's a house! No houses!
No doors! Once you have doors,
you have indoors.
Once you have indoors,
you won't want to camp anymore.
Then why do they not camp?
Because they're bad.
Bad. Bad. Bad.
Bad! Bad! Bad!
Oh, my God.
Maybe Dad was right.
Maybe we have
no life skills.
I've definitely drank more pee
than I care to remember.
I'm just gonna sit down.
If I die, don't eat my ass.
That'd be weird.
Uh, Summer?
Damn, you think
they got infected
by a mind slug
or something?
Probably drove through a nebula
that made them
see their own fears.
Whoa!
These controls.
It's just like my video game
controllers.
I just wish I could read
these symbols.
This looks just like
Tricia's bong.
Morty, I think these tubes
might contain
all of their
collective knowledge.
- Mm!
- Well?
I think we got this, bro.
Beth,
you wanna do the honors?
What? Really? Wow.
Okay.
Here we go.
_
If you told me six days ago
I'd be christening
a generation ship for
my half-rock children,
I would've called
you crazy.
But I guess that's the lesson...
crazy things happen
when you put in the work.
Salud!
[Bleep] Doopnar!
Sing something!
Great toast, Dad.
- Thanks, sweetie.
- Damn, listen to those pipes.
You sure these
kids are yours?
What, you've never heard me
sing karaoke?
I'm... I'm pretty good when
someone's in my register,
like the guy that sings
"Circle of Life."
Can't remember his name.
Dresses up weird.
Look at this.
Everyone's happy.
They're about to go
into space.
I know things haven't always
been great with us,
but we do make
a pretty good team.
Uh, Rick?
Can we talk?
Kinda in the middle of
a breakthrough with my daughter.
Go ahead, Dad.
Gaia deserves some time, too.
- They're your kids.
- Yes, about that.
Pam!
It's good to see you, baby!
Um, Gaia?
You know this guy?
Ha! You call her Gaia?
- So lame.
- Is that...
- God?
- Rick. The kids.
I messed up.
You're not their father.
Little ones!
Daddy's here!
I'm sending some fog down.
Feel my presence
through the fog!
- Ooh!
- Beth! What the [bleep] Don't touch it!
You gotta be kidding me.
God is the father?
No hard feelings, okay?
We thought they were yours,
you know,
because they're so small.
Oh, wow. No hard feelings.
Y-You hear that, Beth?
Guy swoops in after we raised
his whole civilization
and tells us he forgives us.
What a [bleep] mooch!
Don't push me, asshole!
Rick, I think you should go.
Seriously? You really want
this pile of dry ice
- to raise your kids?
- Stop acting like you did a good job.
You made my kids soft
and empty inside.
This city is a monument
to nothing!
Where is their faith?
Reggie is right.
The children are not ready
to leave.
- He can give them more.
- I mean, maybe we should just bail, Dad.
At least this guy is immortal
and can stick around.
Bull-[bleep] They're my kids!
We're staying!
Bad! Bad! Bad!
See? Now, this is the kind
of shit I'm talking about.
Jerry! Oh, my God!
- Is that you?
- What the hell are you doing?
- Camping.
- Oh, look, Jerry finally found his people.
All it took was
a deep enough drip pan.
You labeled these creatures
"unproductive,"
but I have given them
more purpose than ever.
Oh, yeah? They filing your
unemployment forms?
His tongue is sharp,
but it cannot whittle.
The Great Roughing of
It is at hand.
you will now join the One Family
on its Eternal Getaway.
Or join the embers over which
we hold marshmallows
at just the right distance.
Six inches!
Until it gets golden brown!
Don't let it
start on fire!
The carbon
is bad for you!
What's happening?
My children,
I give you my power.
Use it to take what is yours.
Oh, this mother-[bleep]
Raise the walls!
Walls can't stop us, Rick.
We are chosen.
Sha-boom-boom!
Sorry! Sorry!
Just trying to get
the hang of this thing.
Nice choice of chosen people,
G-diddles.
I guess you'll be playing
the "mysterious ways" card
- on that one.
- You wanna go, bro?
- I'll kick your ass myself.
- Oh, dude, don't tempt me.
When I'm done with you,
you'll need a staff
to un-part
your [bleep] face.
Guys. Please.
Not in front of the kids.
Did you for real
just try to smite me?
Siri, triangulate source
of power.
Got you now,
you son of a bitch.
Sweetie,
you handle the hippies.
I'll handle
the off-brand Yahweh.
- Kick his ass, Dad!
- Bear witness.
Now you see my true form.
The clouds were simply a shape
more appealing to Gaia's mind.
No shit. Any form is more
appealing than this.
You look like
Kid Rock [bleep] Zeus.
Oh, seriously, you expect me
to fight you like this?
You're the size of
four Empire State Buildings.
Alright, mother-[bleep]
Let's go.
Aaah! Aah!
Ha-ha!
You like that?
- Ohh!
- Here comes some pain!
Ohh!
Ow!
Ow!
And...
that last one should be...
the start button.
Perfect.
I guess we're ready.
Let's show Mom and Dad
what video games
and partying are all about.
Jesus Christ,
was that the wings?
This is not like
a video game!
Oh, my God, make it stop!
Make it stop!
How do I make it stop?! I
don't know. I'm [bleep] high!
Aah!
Oh, God,
now I'm high, too!
Jerry, that's enough.
Oh, hey, babe.
You like these plagues
I'm unleashing on your asses?
No, they're lame.
It's not a great sign
that your army's
on the same side as disease.
Sorry we aren't modern enough
to sort people by value
and shit the losers
through a mean butt tube!
Just admit this is about you
wanting to feel needed!
Says the woman who sold out
her family
for an ounce of approval
from her drunk father!
Well, maybe he drinks
because it isn't easy
- to be more powerful than God.
- Well, if it's god power
that gets you going,
light some candles
and put on the Billy Ocean
because Moses is home
and he's ready
to burn some bush!
Sha-boom-boom!
Ohh!
[Bleep] Ow!
Alright, alright, stop.
- Come on, bitch!
- Look, you win, okay?
Ju... I don't care
about the kids.
Smite them, raise them
to [bleep] sheep.
Just keep the city, okay?
My daughter and I
built that thing.
- It's important to her.
- No, bro. I'm a Zeus.
I can literally do anything.
Think I'm gonna hang around
and raise kids?
The only lesson they need
is right here... fear.
And it looks like
school's out, bitch.
- I-I think you mean school's in.
- What are...
- What are you talking about?
- I-If you're teaching fear,
- then choking me... school would be in.
- Fine.
School's in, bitch.
Oh.
What the [bleep]
Ohh! Are we dead?
D-Did we die?
I don't ever want to be
high again.
I-I got scared straight.
Oh, my God, I got scared
straight.
[Bleep] Dad was right.
We... We think
we know everything,
but maybe we're the ones
who suck.
You kids
are my [bleep] heroes!
You saved Grandpa's life!
I [bleep] love you so much!
- Papa!
- Papa!
We played video games
and got high! We did wrong!
- We did wrong! - Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, little boopas.
Come on, now. You kids,
you did real good here.
You did good.
Getting high
and playing video games
is the best,
- I swear to [bleep] God.
- But mom and dad
are gonna be mad.
No, hey, hey, look, no.
[Bleep] your mom and dad.
Your parents are a bag of dicks.
Getting high and playing
video games is the best,
and I will never
sell you out, ever.
Now, we got to get out of here
before this guy
falls out of the sky.
He's generating an ionic cloud
from his own belief system.
Holy [bleep] Summer,
were you smoking this?
You were basically
inhaling brake fluid.
Jesus!
Mm, yeah.
It's over, Beth. Tell your
people to lower the gates
and pack
- their moisture-wicking shirts.
Incoming!
Jerry!
Beth!
Just hold on!
I'm losing my grip!
- Jerry.
- Squeeb?
Use the s'more, Jerry.
Ow!
You stabbed my hand!
Sorry! Sorry!
Should...
Should we make love?
Jerry, I love you,
but I can literally
- smell your balls from here.
. Oh, wow.
Ask God for a flood next time.
It'll come with a shower.
Noted.
Aw, geez,
that... that poor guy.
Can you maybe not tell
Mom and Dad?
Relax, it's just a Zeus.
If this was the real God, it...
it'd be a completely
different story.
Rick! What did you do?!
I mean,
gravity did most of it.
- So, you, technically.
- I told you to leave!
Yeah, well, you also asked me
to raise your kids.
Uh, not sure if you heard
the phrase, "pick a lane,"
- but...
- You killed their father!
Father or not, he was
a lying piece of [bleep]
I don't care who else
stuffed your crust,
but I'm the guy
that showed up.
But I mean, if you want,
I can still power-wash his guts
- off the tower and maybe...
- Get oooout!
Okay, yeah, she's pissed.
I mean, you killed her
slam piece, Grandpa.
I don't blame her.
See? you put the fire stick
to the wood, and, voila!
- Campfire.
- You have known about this the whole time?
I'm not gonna waste my time
building you an ark,
but if your mom gets clingy, you
can use this to get some space.
Is that all you want to say to
your children before you leave?
Oh, yeah, uh,
don't ask me for money.
I mean, Gaia's not gonna
raise those guys
to hunt us down, right?
Oh, most definitely.
I put a tracker on their ship.
I'll blow it up if they come
anywhere near me.
Well, kids, never thought
I'd say this, but,
- Summer, you were right.
- Wait, what?
I thought I wanted
to teach you guys about tents,
but really,
I just wanted to feel important.
I guess sometimes teenagers
do know
what they're talking about,
even if it's mean.
Right, but didn't you, like,
go into god-mode and fight mom?
Love is the only power
that matters, Morty.
No, you had actual power,
and you did jack shit.
That was a divine staff.
You could've cured cancer
or raised the dead.
- Instead you made bugs.
- Well, I was impressed, Dad.
He saved my life,
no thanks to you.
Your kids got high
on alien mist
and drove the ship
into that Zeus guy's head.
- Basically murdered him.
- Grandpa!
- What the hell?!
- Come on! What? You did.
I mean, not to cast
the first stone,
but, Beth and Jerry, pretty
terrible parenting on your part.
Did you know Summer huffed
a K-Zax Array?
She basically
smoked "The Ring."
Most pilots die
after three days.
And Morty, the [bleep] moron,
he thought
the ship worked
like a game controller.
What in the Disney
Channel [bleep] is that?
Maybe help him with
homework next time.
He's clearly
crying for help.
CREDITS
Planets Only.
Planets Only. Planets Only.
Entire systems of steamy,
lush globes
and barely habitable
celestial objects
are drifting through
the void just for you.
- Planets Only.
- Let's terraform.
- Or colonize me as I am.
- Planets Only.
Oops, there's a hole
in my ozone.
I didn't put it there.
Did you?
I can't fill it by myself.
I'm not smart enough.
Young, dumb,
and orbiting the sun.
The greenhouse is in full effect
at Planets Only.
Oh, I want you to split my
Pangea into distinct continents.
I don't have hydrostatic
equilibrium yet.
Is that something
you can learn?
You get the idea.
- Phew!
- I was watching over your shoulder for a full minute.
So? I was watching because
it's funny.
It's... It's... They... They...
They're planets,
but they're sexy.
It's a comedic premise.
- Yeah.
- Planets Only.
Planets Only.