Rick and Morty (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 6 - Never Ricking Morty - full transcript

Tickets, please.

Barkeep. A drink
for my colleague.

Do I know you?

I know the only reason
to travel by train.

Is to travel with weapons.

And we all know that
at the end of this line,

There's only one creature
worth killing.

The man in the white coat.

May as well take turns
exchanging stories.

Mine begins on planet ramamama.

Lower him into acid.



Once he's dissolved,
lower someone else into acid.

Is he dissolved?

At least use the downtime
to reset the acid lowerer.

I really don't like
the attitude around here.

It's a very "lower me into acid"
attitude.

Who are you?

How did you reach my sanctum?

All right,
this is going in circles.

Seize him!

- Aah!
- Aah!

- Aah!
- Aah!

Very well.

Now I will fight you.

Anyway, he tells a different
version of the story.



Where I start crying
or something.

That's why he has to die.

'Cause he's a liar.

So...

Why are you going to kill
rick sanchez?

Okay, I don't know who that is.

I don't accept your weird
leap in logic.

That has everyone on a train
going to kill one guy.

And even if I did,
why would we take turns.

Telling stories about it like.

Little girls at a sleepover?

If you're trying to be hurtful,

You're doing a good job.

I'll take his turn.

Here's why I'm going
to kill rick sanchez.

You guys have fun with this.

Dissolve to a clam-shaped sun.

Rising over a giant beach.

Whew.

By then, of course,
he had left toys.

And flesh drops for every
one of us in the spore-hive.

Ah, a newcomer!

I suppose you think you have
a better story.

About how rick sanchez
saved space christmas.

What is with
the rick sanchez obsession?

I think the best way
to answer that.

Is with my christmas rick tale.

Whoo!

Could've used rudolph tonight!

Oh, thank god. I'm not too late.

I don't know how to
thank you, goomby.

No need.

You just go in there
and have a nice time.

I will. Thanks.

Hey.

Merry christmas, goomby.

Merry christmas, rick.

Oh. Uh...

Oh, it's okay.

I-I don't have to.
Sorry if that was...

No. Um, um, I can ask.

No, no, no,
I don't wanna be a burden.

Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah, there's just...

There's a lot of people.
Family. You know?

I get it.

You're not mad? Totally fine.

Bye.

That...
Okay, none of my business.

But he didn't even save
christmas in that story.

Oh, how dare you!

That doesn't mean I'm invested.

Tell your christmas rick story!

Step the hell back! Back!

You start teeing up
a rick sanchez vignette,

And you'll be doing it
through two holes.

I'm just trying to figure out
what's going on with this train.

Do you remember getting on it?

No. First thing I remember is...

Tickets, please.

So, why did you date
rick sanchez?

What?

Oh, you don't have to pretend
you didn't date him.

We all did. We get it.

Low point in your life,
rebound from an ex, et cetera.

No, really, who?

Oh, exactly.

In fact, and get this,
when he met my family...

aah!

Leah! Leah, check it out.

Where'd you meet this, um...

Sprite?

He's actually a human.

But he invented portal tech?

I am the concept of time.

Jesus!

I warned you not to do that.

I wasn't trying.
You don't have to.

The train is
obviously amplifying.

And linking unrelated
narrative fields.

Uh-huh...

Morty? I told you if you
found me again,

Identify yourself.

I didn't know it was you.

How did you not recognize me?

Didn't you create the disguises?

When I create shit,
it works, morty.

It's called being talented.

Why can't we find the engine?

It's not a real train,
it's a story device.

Literally.
A literal literary device.

Quite literally
metaphorically containing us.

A simulation.

Worse. An anthology.

Okay, so how...
How do we hijack it?

Oh, morty, it's been hijacked.

For at least two full minutes.

Are you not hearing
this insane conversation?

Okay, tickets please guy,
stop the anthology.

If we wanted one-offs,
we'd do interdimensional cable,

Not some uptight, overwritten...

Rick? God damn!

Tickets, please.

Dude, I'm sure you've got, like,

So many tickets at this point.

Jesus! The tickets please guy
is cut!

He... he... he's... he's
got those things.

- W-What do you call them.
- Uhm, gutters.

Morty, gross!
That's what people call them.

Gross people. I don't
want to have to picture.

So watery
in such volumes that...

Hey, hey, hey, stay back.

I'll kick you.
I-I'll kick your shin, bro.

Aaah! Hey!

I'll cook and eat
your ticket-taking

hey, I found a ticket.

Wow, you are just...
Ladies and gentlemen,

The jackie chan
of human shielding.

Who takes the time to get
this good at...

this.

Aaah - structural breach.

Losing continuity.

Morty, hold on to something.

Keep your head inside.

Aaah!

Share with your sister, josh.

Just because it's your
birthday doesn't mean.

You can be an asshole.

You okay, dad? Is this real?

I doubt it, but you get
what you get.

When you eat dinner
in an arcade.

I mean are you real,
is life real?

Okay, I'm calling the nurse
because you are not.

Doing this tonight.
You're god damn right

I'm not because...
You are not doing this tonight!

This isn't real life!

Dad? Oh, my god! Honey. Sweetie.

What's happening?
Give me your tickets.

I... I need tickets.

Everyone give me
tickeeeeeettttttts!

Aaaah!

Aaah!

Female voice:
Emergency continuity deployed.

This could come in handy.
Can't we just ride out the...

you, I'd rather die.

Train cops! Hands in the air!

Tee up a story
about rick sanchez!

He is rick! Jesus christ!

Is that the tickets please guy?

Well, just the stub.

Too soon! Too soon!

Don't move! Too soon!

So, what did the train cops
do wrong?

Shot... People?

Shot passengers. Wrong.

The passengers tampered
with the anthology's structure.

Lethal response was permitted,

But not with him
holding that tank.

Let's take a look at what
they should have done.

Train cops! Hands in the air!

Drop the tank! Drop it!

Drop it! Drop the tank.

Sorry to nitpick, sir,
but if there was.

A continuity explosion,
isn't there always one?

And doesn't that mean
those two could be anywhere?

What? No, you idiot,
that... it's...

It's just a training video.
That didn't actually happen.

That's what you think.

Hey. How'd you get here?

Yeah, like we're the ones
that popped up out of nowhere?

These guys.

Hey, what the hell?
Your leg is healed.

Yeah, it's a real free-for-all.

Here we go.

Of course this thing is
just a circle.

You'd think it was so
god damn complicated...

Okay, here's where
the stupid vignettes were.

God, imagine if that
had been the whole thing.

So now we're here,
and the engine must be here.

I'll have to rig us
a couple of space suits.

That start failing
around here so we can.

Pay a heavy price.

For re-entering
at this threshold.

We have to leave the train?

We don't have to
do anything, morty.

This is just a structural guide.

We're obviously gonna
impart our own style.

I don't like how meta
this is getting, rick.

Shut up, morty. You're 14.

You watch videos
of people on youtube.

Reacting to youtube.

I'll be the judge of
when we get too meta.

Holy.

How is he still breathing? Aah!

He's suspended in disbelief,

Slowly dying while
living out an alternative.

Non-diagetic reality.

Geez, what a horrible
way to die.

You don't know the half of it.

Oh!

You're on fuego with the
guy-torn-in-half bits, rick.

That one was organic, though.

That's because
you're naturally funny.

That... that's good
old-fashioned fun.

Right there, you know?

W-w-we don't need
to over-think, okay?

Okay, buddy. Nice and grounded,

Fully immersive
from here on out.

Right after this.
W-What's happening?

Going into an act break.

Sure, that was a great moment,

But it was hardly the best time

Rick and morty were musical.

Who can forget the t...

Hey. You guys
think there's something weird.

About this train?

We've been here
a really long time.

And nobody's taken our tickets.

Aaah!

Aaaah!

The galaxy's greatest scientists
continue to ponder.

The horrific figure known
to children as floaty blood man.

But after three months, nobody
is any closer to the truth.

For cutesy name news,
I'm uncle nibbles.

I can't believe
floaty bloody man is real.

He's more than real,
he's my new god.

Check it. Is that brand-new,

Or is the blood just...
Accurately depicted, yeah.

His followers believe
the entire universe.

Is floaty bloody man's
nightmare as he dies.

In a time-dilated reality.

So we could go at any minute.

No. I'm part of
the floaty nogasm brotherhood.

We believe we're
keeping him alive.

By redirecting our suppressed
sexual energies.

You're staying a virgin.

Just to keep
the universe existing?

That's... So attractive.

It is?

Okay, look,
let's just do it once.

Sorry.

Aaah!

Happy now? He was suffering.

Keep moving.

We have to get
to the return threshold.

Before the ticking clock
on your suit gets to zero.

Why would you put
ticking clock...

Because if it's too easy
to get there,

We'll never get there.

If you don't want to be meta
stop, deconstructing shit.

That's the thematic seal.

Gotta find a way to disrupt it.

Okay, morty, tell a story
unrelated to us.

Uh, what do...
Stop thinking and do it!

Uh, okay, uh, there was this...

My name is mike johnson.
That's good coffee.

Better get that door.

Iiiiiiii, hello.

I want your cookies.

I'm hungry, I want your cookies.

Scorpions, scorpions.

There's scorpions outside.
Get inside.

What do they want from us?

They want food. Me too.

Okay, just stop.

I'm not a writer, okay?

Relax, your story was supposed
to be awful and stupid.

I just failed to
predict how well.

That would mesh with the theme.

Think. Think.

What kind of story
would we never...

Morty, do you know
what the bechdel test is?

The what? For god's sake, morty,

The formula for
measuring female agency.

In a story proposed by
lesbian cartoonist allison...

What the hell are they
teaching you in that school?!

Other stuff!
Then you've killed us both!

Why is lesbian part
of her job title?!

Oh, now you're progressive?!

What is the test?!
You have to tell...

Morty, morty.

Two women.
They both have to have names.

And talk to each other
about something...

Rick!

Other than a man...
Oh, rick, listen to me.

Once upon a time,
my mom and my sister...

Listen to me!

Mom, can I try your tea?

Yes, summer.

Yes. Try my tea.

It's so good. It's so warm.

Mom, can I talk to you.

About my special time?

It's okay. I have one, too.

Mine is heavy today.

Mine is never light.

I love you ever
since you were...

Mailed to me.

By a doctor woman.

Your special time is your power.

It makes you strong like a boob.

Strong against what?

Scorpions. Female scorpions.

They're attacking
outside. Come on.

Fight them with your
heavy special time.

You do it, too.

Hello? Hello?

I'm that supreme court lady,
and you did it.

We did it! We did it!

Great job, morty.

A feminist masterpiece.

Hey, look.

Guess who's got two penises
and all the agency?

Rick and morty.

Story lord.

I should've known you were
behind this, and I did.

Who is this guy? Ugh.

He's like a matrix
space frasier.

Let's get this fight
over with, nerd.

I've got to do.

You of all people know, rick,

There can be no destination
without a journey.

I don't know that at all.
I regularly teleport.

Oh, of course. No rules for you.

Spiraling through
the multiverse,

Burping semi-improvised dialogue
about how nothing matters,

So we may as well pull out
our and rub them.

On fate's glaring teeth
like we're brushing fate's teeth.

But we're using your gross,
dirty.

Must be nice.

Nobody's stopping you.

True. Not anymore.

Goddamn! We already did this.

Oh, is this a double beat?
Oh, well.

Just how I adventure, dawg.

This is more impressive than.

The tickets please guy, though.

You are like 90% gutter.

It's called discipline.
Watch this.

God damn. Geez!

Do we have to fight him?

I don't want to.

We surrender.
We're not fighting.

Ow!

Ow!

Kick your ass.

Ow!

Oh!

Hey! Get back in your egg!

- What the...
- Don't worry, morty!

Nothing out there is canon!

We've got a pulse.
Stay with me, private.

Smith, listen to me.
You were exposed.

To a chemical that is
altering your mind.

To beat it,
you have to hold on...

We're losing him.

Aliens. Sarge?!

Morty, never forget the highest
truth of all...

You're getting your
ass kicked on a train.

Professor sanchez?

Did it work?

I wouldn't say that, marcus.

I'd say it worked.

100% time dilation
and total immersion.

Define "total." marcus,

I've been back in reality
for three hours,

And I still have memories
of a completely different life.

I-I-I was a scientist still.

I-I-I was... I-I-I had developed.

Inter-dimensional travel,
I-I-I-I had a daughter.

I-I didn't have a mustache.

I-I was kinda funny sometimes,
mostly burping.

No more secret testing.

I can help people now.

You've helped people.

I've hurt more.

Aaah!

P-p-professor sanchez.
I-I'm morty smith.

From the... the...
The the 241st.

They... they... put your
pill in our food.

It... it works. Call the police!

It's okay. It's okay.
It's not real.

N-n-n-n-nothing's real.

I'm sorry, son.

I-I-it's okay. You aren't real.

God, you're right.
I should do more freeform stuff.

In you go. What's happening?

The reason I brought you here.

I'll now fuel
my anthology with your.

Limitless potential,
propelling it to.

Its final stop...
Beyond the fifth wall.

You idiot. Our potential
isn't limitless.

You'll never break
the fifth wall.

Before you've burnt us out.

Is that so? Oh, well. Win-win.

Rick, w-what's he doing?

He's trying to tap
into us, morty.

Resist.

I can't believe you're finally
headed off to college.

Yeah, you know,
it really felt like.

You were gonna be 17 forever.

For, like, 16 years, at least.

I can't believe
I'm tearing up over this.

Jesus, rick, you know,
you've really softened up.

It's a human moment, morty.

It's a human moment.

Aaah! Aaah! It hurts!

Abradolph lincoler?
I thought you were dead.

I'm very much alive,
and I need your help.

Yeah!

He's taking
the good stuff, morty.

Wait, is...
Is any of this canon?

It could have been.

Oh, dear.

Are there things rick sanchez
holds sacred after all?

How did you find us?

I trusted you!

Don't blame others
for your bad decisions.

Resist, morty!
Resist before he burns us out!

Oh, too late now!

What's wrong, rick?

Don't you want to see
how your story ends?!

Holy, rick. What do we...

There... there...
There's now way out!

You're right, morty.

Sometimes it does seem
like there's no way out.

Like it's hopeless.

But remember, there's always
someone there for us.

Who?

My best friend
and personal savior,

Jesus christ.

What?! You... you don't
believe in god.

But he believes in us, morty.

You know, I thought
I was the inventor,

But the greatest
invention of all.

Is the free gift
of eternal life.

- Is this...
- Are you with me?

Oh, trust me, morty.

I've done plenty of
effed up stuff in my life.

But it's never too late
to accept christ.

Jesus is always
knocking at the door.

All we have to do
is open it and let him.

Into our hearts. How?

I'm so glad you asked, morty.

Just close your eyes
and go to him in prayer.

Like this.

Heavenly father.
Heavenly father.

Thank you for sending
your only begotten son.

What a second, no!
What are you doing?!

Jesus, I accept you
into my heart.

No! This sucks.

Stop! You guys would
never do this.

Together:
Fill me with your spirit.

Make me a shining city
on a hill for you.

- No! No!
- Make me born again.

- No!
- In jesus' name, we pray.

- Amen.
- Amen.

- Amen!
- You did it!

Way to go, morty! Crossy.

Bible-saurus. You made it.

We wouldn't miss this
for anything!

You said it, mr. Celery.

What the is all of this?!

Greatest story
ever told, story lord.

No, it's not. It's awful!

I beg your pardon?

Ah!

Goddamn.

My lord and my god!

- No! No! It sucks in here.
- Let's get the.

Outta here. Go, now.

Ugh. We're safe, morty.

Nobody ever wanted
to see that shit.

Wh-what's gonna happen
to story lord?

He gets to spend eternity in
every writer's hell...

The bible. I don't know.

Some people actually
like that stuff.

Seems kind of cynical.

I just don't like taking
cheap shots, you know?

Cheap shots?
Morty, we were literally.

Saved by Jesus christ.

Tell me in any way
how that's offensive.

This was a little confusing,

But I guess it brought us
closer together, you know?

Tested our demons.

Made us believe in
ourselves more than ever.

Yeah. You're right, morty.

We got all that meta-canon
shit outta the way.

And now we can
just be ourselves.

Now what do you say we
bring this train.

Into the station.

Oh.

Morty: So what do you think?

Wow. Where did you
get this thing?

The citadel of ricks gift shop.

Do you really like it?
I didn't think you'd even care.

What? Morty. No. I love it.

You did the most
important thing.

You... you bought something.

What? You bought something.

With money. God.
I love money so much, morty.

Are you being sarcastic?
Merchandise, morty.

Your only purpose in life is to
buy and consume merchandise.

And you did it.
You went into a store...

An actual honest to god store...
And you bought something.

You didn't ask questions
or raise ethical complaints.

You... you just looked straight
into the bleeding jaws.

Of capitalism
and said "yes, daddy, please."

And I'm... I'm so proud of you.

I only wish you could've
bought more.

I... I love buying things
so much, morty.

Rick, are... are you...

Do you need to go
to the hospital?

I love you, morty.
Give grandpa a kiss.

Give... give... gimme...
Give grandpa a kiss.

Lips if you want.

What... whatever
you're comfortable with.

Some cultures do that.

That was sweet. Thank you.

I... I love you.
You're my little buddy.

Okay.

Let's watch some
interdimensional cable.

So you're saying my father.

And his kingdom...

Well, yes...
It's based on the fusion.

Of a sumerian god named "ya".

And a mesopotamian god
named "way."

And we're in a toy train?

Yes.

It's enough to really
make you question.

All of existence, isn't it?

So what do you think you're
gonna do about it?

I'm gonna do
what I've always done.

I'm gonna get the outta here.

Father of omens!
Give me blood beyond sight!

Hey, what the morty?

The train you got me just
completely derailed itself.

There's blood all over
the windows on it.

Oh, man, I'm sorry, rick.
I guess I'll return it.

Return... are you insane?

Did you hear nothing I said?

Buy another one, morty.

Consume, morty.

Nobody's out there shopping
with this virus.

Where's your wallet?!

Tired of the same
boring adventures.

With your dogshit morty?

Yeah! Aw. Geez.

Then get ready for the citadel
of rick's story train.

Story train. Story train.

The citadel of rick's
story train.

Comes with car after car
of enemies, lovers,

And goomby, all grappling with.

The nature of who you truly are.

Rick is a god! Tickets please.

Whoa! Watch out!
It's story lord!

Damn. He's jacked.

Deep voice: Pure gutter.

And of course, what
story would be complete.

Without the engineer of
the greatest story ever told.

Oh, Jesus christ.

Jesus: I have come not to judge.

The world, but to save it.

And the best part is,
the fun never ends.

Thanks to the rick-patented
anthology generator,

You'll never run out
of new stories.

And people to tell them.

Are they alive? Of course.

But not in any ways that matter.

Deep voice:
They. Have. No. Souls.

Puppets. Of. Fate.

The story train.

Available now in
the citadel of ricks.

Buy it ironically.
Buy it sincerely. Just buy it.

Not buying it is an act
of buying it.

Buy it now. Look it up.
It's real.

On the internet. It's there.
Buy it. Buy the train.

We want you to buy the train.