Rick and Morty (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 10 - The Rickchurian Mortydate - full transcript
Rick and Morty are called upon by the president to kill a vicious alien in the secret tunnels under the White House.
Come on, football!
Go, go!
Oh, come on.
Play football!
Aaah!
So, you're mining stuff
to craft with
and crafting stuff to mine with?
- Uh-huh.
- Did your dad write this game?
Mean.
Gentlemen, you're needed
by a friend in Washington!
How clandestine.
If they can teleport,
- why did we take...
- I just work here, Steve,
same as you!
All right.
All right, all right.
- Mr. President.
- It's about time, gentlemen.
- Rick, do you need to drink in here?
- Yes.
Here's the adventure.
Some kind of alien...
googa
has infested
the Kennedy Sex Tunnels.
I want it hunted down
and taken out.
Kennedy Sex Tunnels?
Naturally, you'll forget
you saw them,
along with, in order of
national embarrassment,
the Truman Cocaine Lounge,
the McKinley Hooker Dump,
and the Lincoln Slave Coliseum.
He didn't free them all.
And let me know
when you're done.
Maybe then we could
get a selfie?
Too busy, Morty.
Now tell me about this summit.
Is it a peace one
or a regular one?
Ugh. This sucks.
God, tell me about it.
Oh, man.
If you're not into it...
What do you mean?
Why would I be into it?
- It's lame.
- You're into lame stuff, Morty.
I thought young dumb people
considered it an honor
to work for presidents
or whatever the shit.
Maybe the first few times,
but this just sucks.
He treats us like Ghostbusters.
- We should talk to him.
- Yeah, that sounds fun.
Let's set some boundaries
with a spoiled control freak
that thinks he runs the world
and orders drone strikes
to cope with his insecurity.
It's either that
or more of this.
Third choice...
- "Minecraft."
- You like it now?
Got to be honest, Morty.
It's growing on me.
Notify the president.
What do I tell him?
Tell him the truth.
Tell him Rick and Morty
just blew off America.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
*RICK AND MORTY
Season 03 Episode 10
Title: "The Rickchurian Mortydate"
You can use that wood
to make a chest.
Oh, good. Then I can
store all this wood
I'll need later
for chest-making.
Okay. You're not
going to have fun
if you analyze everything.
This is what they'd rather do?
It's all in the transcript.
"Treats us like Ghostbusters."
So, Ghostbusters
aren't cool now?
I don't recall
signing that bill.
"Control freak."
"Orders drone strikes
to cope with..."
"Insecurity."
Should we drone-strike
them?
- That would prove them right!
- And blow him up.
Give me the phone.
Is this game popular
with autistic people?
Why would you say
something like that?
'Cause I'm starting to love it.
"Failure to answer
is a felony offense"?
Play it cool. As far as he knows,
we're still in the tunnels.
When should we reveal
we can see them?
We're holding all
the cards right now.
We don't show any before
the time is right.
- Awesome.
- Yello?
Hi, guys.
U.S. President calling.
- How's it going?
- Oh, hey.
Just hard at work
on this sex tunnel gagoo.
I think it's kind of our
new archnemesis, you know?
It might take a while.
What do you think,
Morty... a month?
Fingers crossed, a month,
yeah.
You lying dicks!
I see your asses playing
"Minecraft"!
I got you on satellite!
That's right.
What do you have to say
for yourselves?
Okay, obviously, this looks
bad, Mr. President.
I mean, what doesn't look bad
through an illegal
spy satellite?
Don't high-road me.
The two of you break
1,000 federal laws a day.
- Wow, really?
- That's pretty cool.
And, yes, yes, yes, yes,
you save the world now and then.
America returns that favor
by not holding the two of you
accountable to its laws.
- Oh!
- Oh! Oh, God.
We... We didn't know
you saw it that way.
Well, it's nobody's fault.
We never had "the talk,"
so to speak.
Yeah. I mean,
the way we see it,
when we show up,
that's the favor to you.
Especially, you know,
when it turns out
you wanted someone to come over
just because you found
an "X-Files" monster
in your basement.
As for the reason you've never,
like, arrested us,
we assumed you just knew
that it was impossible,
like, if you tried.
You know, it wouldn't go well.
Wouldn't go well?
Can you elaborate?
I think one of your 1,000 laws
says, no, I can't elaborate.
Just trust me.
None of us want to go there.
Which we'll never have to.
By the way, we'll keep on
saving the Earth.
You know, we're...
we're happy to do that.
Yeah, but not because
it contains America...
because moving to a new version
of Earth is a bitch and a half.
But feel free to call us, you
know, as... as, like, friends.
Yeah, like, if you ever
want to take a selfie...
So, are we cool?
Yes.
Thank you, gentlemen.
I told you, man!
I'm impressed, Morty.
That went really well.
Everybody, get ahold
of yourselves!
Sir, what is our new
Rick and Morty policy?
Our policy is, we never needed
them and never will again.
Today, we celebrate
our independence
from Rick and Morty.
Everyone out.
♪♪
All this spring at Clothes Mart,
there's a clothes sale.
Come on down
to the clothes section.
I just put it on for fun.
I know I can't buy it.
Oh, come on. You look great!
You're only young once.
Just promise, if the results
are too strong,
you'll use protection.
Really?! Thanks!
- When did you get rad?
- I don't know.
Maybe I adjusted to the divorce
and everything's new.
I'll say. I couldn't stand you
for more than an hour
at a time before.
No... No offense.
I like it. It's great.
You're like a different person.
Yeah.
Different person.
Oh, not you.
Vamos! Vamos!
Aaah!
How do you like that, Morty?
Whoa!
Just like "Minecraft"!
Ooh, a tiny
nuclear-capable species
just got discovered
in the Amazon.
Let's go make first contact
before someone else
- gets all their shit.
- What about this?
South Park did it
4 years ago, Morty.
They're fast.
Or we're slow.
Don't do it, guys.
The casualties would be
in the "Brazilians"
because you're Brazilian.
It's a threat and a pun.
Nobody gets me.
Americanos! Pressa!
Oh. Hello, Rick.
You're here, too.
I guess this is a global crisis.
Oh, God.
Mr. President, Morty and I
have the situation covered.
I'm sure you did.
- Dismissed.
- Dismissed?
Yeah, dismissed.
Not needed here. You can leave
and nobody will care.
Have you never heard
that before?
Do you even know how to take out
this kind of threat?
We're not taking it out.
We're going to shrink down and
approach them diplomatically.
- You shrink with pills?
- Are you still here?
Shouldn't you be going down
to your next version of Earth
with your selfie-craving
star... sidekick?
- Whoa!
- We're allowed to be here.
You aren't president
of the Amazon.
Yeah, I learned about
your job in school.
You're a civil servant.
We're technically your boss.
Oh, please, Morty.
You pay as many taxes
as you have pubes.
Oh, I got pubes,
Commander-in-Queef.
- You want to count them?
- Commander-in-Queef.
That's it! Do it!
Recognize the rare element
Sanchez-eum?
We've been preparing for a Rick-level
eventuality for some time.
You mean you've been ordering
other people to prepare for it
while you sat on your ass
at peace summits.
Peace summits are important!
Oh, yeah!
They work great!
We're really drowning
in peace!
- You suck!
- You suck!
Task Force Alpha,
prepare to shrink.
Is there a Task Force Alpha
health plan, by the way?
Because if those pills are based
on subatomic compression,
you could get a more
curable cancer
just walking through
the mushroom clouds.
God damn it!
I'll do it.
Whoa.
Task Force Alpha is disbanded.
And you two aren't
American anymore!
I can say that.
You're expatriated!
If you step foot
on homeland soil again,
I'll treat it as an invasion.
Is this supposed to be painful?
Painful to watch.
Oh, such lame shrinking.
Oh, his clothes
stay the same size?
Oh! '70s shrinking,
party of one.
Eat my shrinking ass!
There he goes. All right.
Let's get out of here, Morty.
What the hell?!
I made Sanchez-eum up,
dumbasses.
Don't believe everything
you read on Wikipedia.
Stand down.
He's not afraid of pirates.
Oh! Run, Morty!
That part was true!
- I-I can't talk now, sweetie.
- Oh, when can you?
Good point.
What's up?
Remember a little while ago
when you said that, if I wanted,
I could, like, leave Earth
and wander the infinite cosmos
to figure out who I am and that
nobody would ever know I'd left
because you could
replace me with a clone?
- Mm-hmm.
- Am I the clone?
- Sorry. What?
- Am I the clone?
Did the real me choose to leave,
and I only
think I chose to stay because
that's what I need to think
because I'm
the replacement Beth?
- No.
- Okay.
And one more thing.
If I were a clone, would you tell me?
Beth, you know, when...
when smart people get happy,
they stop recognizing
themselves.
And you are very smart because
you're very much my daughter.
Oh, God. You're right.
I'm sorry.
Thank you, Dad.
- All good?
- Totally.
I'm fine now.
And just to be sure, you're not
pretending to be convinced you're real
because you're actually
convinced you're a clone
and you're now terrified
that becoming self-aware
would mean I'd have
to terminate you?
- No.
- Okay. Glad I could help.
See you soon.
Aaaaaah!
Where do I go?
What does th... What... What...
What... What does this mean?
This means nothing.
Pull forward and park.
Then say that, God damn it!
Sorry.
Bad day.
I am Presidentress of
the Mega Gargantuans.
We named ourselves
before learning we were small.
Madam Presidentress,
I'm President of America,
which is basically the world,
but you didn't hear that
from me.
- I've come to...
- I know who you are.
We've already agreed
to a ceasefire
with your ambassadors,
Rick and Morty.
Rick and Morty were here?
Of course they were here.
They can shrink
instantly and teleport.
They told me to give you this.
They said it will stretch
as your cancer pill wears off
and your body awkwardly enlarges
at the rate of a '50s movie.
Are there pants?
They said you'd prefer
just a shirt.
Apparently, you have a need
to swing your dick around?
Rick and Morty escaped.
No shit.
Take me to the Pentagon.
We're at war
with Rick and Morty.
You'll want to make a stop
at the White House?
I have pants at the Pentagon,
Rhonda. It's in my contract.
I mean you need to call
a press conference.
Israel and Palestine have
announced a permanent ceasefire.
What?
They signed something called
"The Pretty Obvious If You
Think About It" accord.
Apparently, an anonymous
American diplomat
took them
to a "Star Wars" cantina,
where they smoked
perspective-enhancing
alien pheromones
through a laser hookah.
I still say it has to be Putin.
It was Rick and Morty,
you ...ing dunce!
But you're getting
the credit, sir.
Your approval rating
just hit 100%
Why would Rick
and Morty want that?
Because they're assholes!
I'm flattered, but it takes a whole
team to achieve what we did today.
Thank you.
Well?
They haven't been back home, sir.
We've got every possible
location under surveillance.
God damn it!
They're right here!
They're here, God damn it!
Code Red! We need backup!
Everybody relax.
Just waiting for you
in the only room
you can't blow up or spy on.
So, we're not changing
timelines for you,
but now you have
everything you want,
so you can forget we exist,
and we'll return the favor.
You couldn't say that in a text?
Well, since we won't be seeing
each other again, my...
Guys, we get it.
It's a Code Red. Enough.
My grandson has
worked hard for you,
and I feel like
he's earned a selfie.
Honestly, I could take it or leave
it at this point.
You're taking it.
No. What kind of fratty-ass
status move is that?
Get out of my office!
Seriously?
You're that stubborn?
He's the stubborn one.
I'm protecting my country.
Uh, from selfies?
From subordination
to hostile powers.
Uh, does China know about
that deal-breaker?
China doesn't piss
on the White House.
Well, why would they?
I'm sure it was expensive.
- Get out.
- Not without a selfie.
- Arrest them.
- Son, you have a right to refuse his order,
and I guarantee you're going
to die if you touch me,
and there's no afterlife.
Everything just goes black.
Don't do it.
- Whoa, Rick!
- Okay.
What was that?
- Death.
- What kind?
- Instant.
- There was no sound.
- He just died.
- Yeah, terrifying.
It's a terrifying thing
to watch happen.
It's called a deterrent.
You couldn't just knock him out?
How is knocking out a deterrent?
Everyone wants to be
knocked out.
Nobody wants to be dead.
You committed murder
in the Oval Office.
- Now you can't leave.
- That's fine.
I said I'm not leaving
without a selfie.
Uh, I don't need a selfie.
And I'm saying
you aren't getting one
and you aren't leaving.
- So we agree?
- Yes. No. We disagree
because you think you're getting
a selfie and leaving.
Am I getting a selfie?
- Never.
- Then I'm never leaving.
- Exactly.
- See?
Does anyone have a shot?
Yes, nine people.
I can show you.
But I wouldn't recommend...
Open fire!
God, you are dumb!
Get the President out of here!
- Bad idea.
- Wait. Why?
Because if there isn't
someone in here
that they're not
supposed to kill,
they're going to wreck
the place trying to kill me.
As long as you live,
no matter where you are,
if it isn't in
a selfie with him,
I'll be here.
- Jesus!
- He's not a ...ing God!
You don't know what I am!
And you don't know
what I can do!
- Jesus! It's... It's cool, Rick!
- I'm Doctor Who in this mother ... !
I could be a clone.
I could be a hologram.
We could be clones
controlled by robots
controlled with special headsets
that the real Rick and Morty
are wearing
while they're ...ing
your mother!
I'm going to kill you!
Then come to 312 Olive Street!
- Is that her address?
- You don't know
because you're a bad son!
Ow!
Take him down!
Semper fi!
Aaaaah!
Number three, The Twister.
Ow! Damn it.
Number four...
The Hanky Panky.
Beth?
My dad might have cloned me,
and I might be the clone.
And he says I'm not, but that's
what he'd say to a clone.
Typical.
Number six, The Texas Ripple.
You look like you to me.
What are you, an idiot?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
That was so rude.
I came to you for help, and now
I'm insulting your intelligence.
And look where
intelligence gets you.
Well, don't knock intelligence,
because right now
I'd love to understand
how I can help you.
I can't be in charge
of that, Jerry.
My mind, my ideas are all
part of the variable.
The only constant is you.
You know me inside and out.
Do what you have to do.
Okay. Sit down.
Now cross your legs.
That leg on top. Good.
Oh, what is this?
Senior year,
I took you on a date
to the Milwaukee
Symphony Orchestra
performing the music
of Alan Silvestri in the Park.
At this point in the song
from "Volcano,"
when Tommy Lee Jones
and the utility workers
are using cars to guide
the lava into a cul-de-sac,
I realized my palms
were so sweaty,
I would never get
to hold your hand.
But I was desperate
to touch you,
so I wiped my palm
on the grass next to me.
But a Snickers wrapper
kind of got stuck on it,
so I started
kind of jiggling it,
whipping it without
moving too much.
But you started looking over,
and I thought,
"Well, this is it. She's going
to see that I'm a loser,
and I'll never get to touch her.
But I still have time
to touch her."
But my hand had Snickers on it,
and the brass section
was swelling
because it was the scene with
the guy melting in the lava.
And I just thought, "... it.
Lips don't sweat."
Wow. Yeah.
I'll never forget that feeling.
You're the real thing.
Then that settles it,
because my memory
is of hating that night.
But now, reliving it,
all I can feel is how lucky I am
to be loved by such a simple,
honest, simple man.
Simple twice.
This isn't the woman
you married, Jerry,
because this woman loves you.
Uh... well,
vive la différence.
Okay. That was lame.
Listen, I... Words.
Don Cheadle.
You have the right to get
the ... out of my office!
You have the right
to kiss my dick!
Give me the thing.
Ugh!
Oh!
Ugh!
Oh!
Ugh! Ugh!
Ohh!
Submit!
Submit for the selfie!
I yield! I yield!
Take the selfie!
Okay. Morty, get in there
and say, "Cheese."
Morty?
Morty, come on!
God damn it!
Rick, don't get mad,
but I-I stole your portal gun.
What the ... , Morty?!
I told you I didn't want
the damn selfie 800 times!
Look, whatever the hell
is going on between you
and the president,
it's got nothing to do with me.
So where did you go?
I can't tell you.
Rick, did you tell my mom
she might be a clone?
No! I told her she wasn't!
Well, isn't that
what you'd tell a clone?
Oh, for Christ's sake.
Rick, my mom and dad
are getting back together.
What? No!
She's not a clone!
Well, she says it doesn't
matter if she is or isn't
because now she loves my dad,
and she wanted me
and Summer to come home,
and we're hiding from you
so you don't kill her
if she's a clone in a place
I picked that
you will never find.
So don't look for us.
Come on, bitch!
Oh, you come on, bitch.
I'm out. I'm done.
I've got to...
I've got to go.
So I win. Then I'm in charge,
and you can't leave.
You're a terrorist.
You're an enemy of the state,
and you kicked me in the balls
10 minutes ago!
The office of the President
can't coexist
with a living God
that won't submit to it...
I mean, besides Poseidon.
But he's locked up
in Area 51 already,
so that doesn't really count.
Mr. President,
I'll make you a deal.
If you let me use
your ghetto-ass off-brand
deficit-tripling teleporter,
I can go take care of something,
and you'll never see me again.
Yes. Deal.
Invisi-troopers, stand down.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I don't want to hear it.
You know I could see them
this whole time, right?
Don't push it, Sanchez.
He found us!
I told you
we shouldn't have gone
to the same cabin as last time!
Oh, we're not going anywhere.
This ends now.
Dad, if you're my dad.
Of course, you're not my dad.
You're here with a gun
because I am a clone.
I guess I have all
your daughter's memories.
So I guess I was her,
which makes me related to her.
But I don't relate to her.
She left her family and me,
which means I relate to them.
So if you kill me, fine.
You're not killing her.
But you're killing
a real family.
And instead of doing that,
will you just go away?
Aren't there, like,
infinite time lines?
Can't you just move to one
where I don't know I'm a clone
and where a different
but identical version
of your authentic
sociopathic crazy bitch
of a daughter can keep
making you proud
by being somewhere else?
Beth, you crazy bitch.
You're my daughter.
I brought this here
to kill Jerry.
Oh, my God!
Jesus Christ!
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
You win, Jerry. You win!
No amount of genius can stop
your dumb mediocre vacuous roots
from digging into everything
and everyone around you
and draining them of
any ability to fend you off.
Well, it couldn't have been
easy for you to say that.
I appreciate it.
Morty, where's my portal gun?
Let's get out of here.
I'm staying here, Rick.
Are you... Ugh!
Nobody gets it.
Nothing you think matters
matters.
This isn't special.
This... This is happening
infinite times
across infinite realities.
Including this?
Yes!
Which is not to say that,
subjectively, it wasn't funny.
Are you going to stay?
There's infinite
time lines, Morty.
Why would I stay in the one
where I trashed the White House,
became an enemy of America
and the lowest-status character
in my idiot family?
Because of the fart?
There's still some rubble
over there.
I don't think you've
ever understood
what "Secretary of the Interior"
means!
Hi, Mr. President.
I'm Rick Sanchez,
but not the one that did this.
We Ricks travel the infinite and
switch places with each other
like hermit crabs, I think.
I'm fly-fishing Rick.
You can distinguish me from the Rick
that you had a falling-out with
by my fly-fishing enthusiasm
and accompanying hat.
I hope I can be of service
if, uh, you ever find
the planet to be in danger.
Friends?
Sounds good to me.
Kids, dinner!
I got Panda Express!
Did you get sugar chicken?
That's kind of the only
thing they have.
I love Panda E!
Thanks, Mom!
I'm hoping to get a piece
of your sugar chicken later.
Stop it.
Here's your
stupid hat, dipshit.
Dad, you can't talk to
Jerry that way anymore.
We're a real family now.
In many ways, things
will be like season 1
but more streamlined.
Now Jerry and I are happily
married parents,
and the idea
that I was motivated
by a fear of you leaving
can be eschewed.
Eschewed?
You've never used that word.
Maybe you are a clone.
It's not like
Rick would tell us.
Sync corrections by srjanapala
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Ooh-wee!
What a season!
Sorry I never showed up,
but I got married.
I had a baby.
I went back to school
and got my G-E-E-E-D.
What did you do
while you were waiting?
Hopefully you didn't just ...
around and waste your life.
Ooh-wee!
See you for Season 4 in,
like, a really long time!
I might even have
a big white Santa Claus beard
and... and... and a...
and a couple of grandkids
and all that kind of stuff.
See you... See you then!
Go, go!
Oh, come on.
Play football!
Aaah!
So, you're mining stuff
to craft with
and crafting stuff to mine with?
- Uh-huh.
- Did your dad write this game?
Mean.
Gentlemen, you're needed
by a friend in Washington!
How clandestine.
If they can teleport,
- why did we take...
- I just work here, Steve,
same as you!
All right.
All right, all right.
- Mr. President.
- It's about time, gentlemen.
- Rick, do you need to drink in here?
- Yes.
Here's the adventure.
Some kind of alien...
googa
has infested
the Kennedy Sex Tunnels.
I want it hunted down
and taken out.
Kennedy Sex Tunnels?
Naturally, you'll forget
you saw them,
along with, in order of
national embarrassment,
the Truman Cocaine Lounge,
the McKinley Hooker Dump,
and the Lincoln Slave Coliseum.
He didn't free them all.
And let me know
when you're done.
Maybe then we could
get a selfie?
Too busy, Morty.
Now tell me about this summit.
Is it a peace one
or a regular one?
Ugh. This sucks.
God, tell me about it.
Oh, man.
If you're not into it...
What do you mean?
Why would I be into it?
- It's lame.
- You're into lame stuff, Morty.
I thought young dumb people
considered it an honor
to work for presidents
or whatever the shit.
Maybe the first few times,
but this just sucks.
He treats us like Ghostbusters.
- We should talk to him.
- Yeah, that sounds fun.
Let's set some boundaries
with a spoiled control freak
that thinks he runs the world
and orders drone strikes
to cope with his insecurity.
It's either that
or more of this.
Third choice...
- "Minecraft."
- You like it now?
Got to be honest, Morty.
It's growing on me.
Notify the president.
What do I tell him?
Tell him the truth.
Tell him Rick and Morty
just blew off America.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
*RICK AND MORTY
Season 03 Episode 10
Title: "The Rickchurian Mortydate"
You can use that wood
to make a chest.
Oh, good. Then I can
store all this wood
I'll need later
for chest-making.
Okay. You're not
going to have fun
if you analyze everything.
This is what they'd rather do?
It's all in the transcript.
"Treats us like Ghostbusters."
So, Ghostbusters
aren't cool now?
I don't recall
signing that bill.
"Control freak."
"Orders drone strikes
to cope with..."
"Insecurity."
Should we drone-strike
them?
- That would prove them right!
- And blow him up.
Give me the phone.
Is this game popular
with autistic people?
Why would you say
something like that?
'Cause I'm starting to love it.
"Failure to answer
is a felony offense"?
Play it cool. As far as he knows,
we're still in the tunnels.
When should we reveal
we can see them?
We're holding all
the cards right now.
We don't show any before
the time is right.
- Awesome.
- Yello?
Hi, guys.
U.S. President calling.
- How's it going?
- Oh, hey.
Just hard at work
on this sex tunnel gagoo.
I think it's kind of our
new archnemesis, you know?
It might take a while.
What do you think,
Morty... a month?
Fingers crossed, a month,
yeah.
You lying dicks!
I see your asses playing
"Minecraft"!
I got you on satellite!
That's right.
What do you have to say
for yourselves?
Okay, obviously, this looks
bad, Mr. President.
I mean, what doesn't look bad
through an illegal
spy satellite?
Don't high-road me.
The two of you break
1,000 federal laws a day.
- Wow, really?
- That's pretty cool.
And, yes, yes, yes, yes,
you save the world now and then.
America returns that favor
by not holding the two of you
accountable to its laws.
- Oh!
- Oh! Oh, God.
We... We didn't know
you saw it that way.
Well, it's nobody's fault.
We never had "the talk,"
so to speak.
Yeah. I mean,
the way we see it,
when we show up,
that's the favor to you.
Especially, you know,
when it turns out
you wanted someone to come over
just because you found
an "X-Files" monster
in your basement.
As for the reason you've never,
like, arrested us,
we assumed you just knew
that it was impossible,
like, if you tried.
You know, it wouldn't go well.
Wouldn't go well?
Can you elaborate?
I think one of your 1,000 laws
says, no, I can't elaborate.
Just trust me.
None of us want to go there.
Which we'll never have to.
By the way, we'll keep on
saving the Earth.
You know, we're...
we're happy to do that.
Yeah, but not because
it contains America...
because moving to a new version
of Earth is a bitch and a half.
But feel free to call us, you
know, as... as, like, friends.
Yeah, like, if you ever
want to take a selfie...
So, are we cool?
Yes.
Thank you, gentlemen.
I told you, man!
I'm impressed, Morty.
That went really well.
Everybody, get ahold
of yourselves!
Sir, what is our new
Rick and Morty policy?
Our policy is, we never needed
them and never will again.
Today, we celebrate
our independence
from Rick and Morty.
Everyone out.
♪♪
All this spring at Clothes Mart,
there's a clothes sale.
Come on down
to the clothes section.
I just put it on for fun.
I know I can't buy it.
Oh, come on. You look great!
You're only young once.
Just promise, if the results
are too strong,
you'll use protection.
Really?! Thanks!
- When did you get rad?
- I don't know.
Maybe I adjusted to the divorce
and everything's new.
I'll say. I couldn't stand you
for more than an hour
at a time before.
No... No offense.
I like it. It's great.
You're like a different person.
Yeah.
Different person.
Oh, not you.
Vamos! Vamos!
Aaah!
How do you like that, Morty?
Whoa!
Just like "Minecraft"!
Ooh, a tiny
nuclear-capable species
just got discovered
in the Amazon.
Let's go make first contact
before someone else
- gets all their shit.
- What about this?
South Park did it
4 years ago, Morty.
They're fast.
Or we're slow.
Don't do it, guys.
The casualties would be
in the "Brazilians"
because you're Brazilian.
It's a threat and a pun.
Nobody gets me.
Americanos! Pressa!
Oh. Hello, Rick.
You're here, too.
I guess this is a global crisis.
Oh, God.
Mr. President, Morty and I
have the situation covered.
I'm sure you did.
- Dismissed.
- Dismissed?
Yeah, dismissed.
Not needed here. You can leave
and nobody will care.
Have you never heard
that before?
Do you even know how to take out
this kind of threat?
We're not taking it out.
We're going to shrink down and
approach them diplomatically.
- You shrink with pills?
- Are you still here?
Shouldn't you be going down
to your next version of Earth
with your selfie-craving
star... sidekick?
- Whoa!
- We're allowed to be here.
You aren't president
of the Amazon.
Yeah, I learned about
your job in school.
You're a civil servant.
We're technically your boss.
Oh, please, Morty.
You pay as many taxes
as you have pubes.
Oh, I got pubes,
Commander-in-Queef.
- You want to count them?
- Commander-in-Queef.
That's it! Do it!
Recognize the rare element
Sanchez-eum?
We've been preparing for a Rick-level
eventuality for some time.
You mean you've been ordering
other people to prepare for it
while you sat on your ass
at peace summits.
Peace summits are important!
Oh, yeah!
They work great!
We're really drowning
in peace!
- You suck!
- You suck!
Task Force Alpha,
prepare to shrink.
Is there a Task Force Alpha
health plan, by the way?
Because if those pills are based
on subatomic compression,
you could get a more
curable cancer
just walking through
the mushroom clouds.
God damn it!
I'll do it.
Whoa.
Task Force Alpha is disbanded.
And you two aren't
American anymore!
I can say that.
You're expatriated!
If you step foot
on homeland soil again,
I'll treat it as an invasion.
Is this supposed to be painful?
Painful to watch.
Oh, such lame shrinking.
Oh, his clothes
stay the same size?
Oh! '70s shrinking,
party of one.
Eat my shrinking ass!
There he goes. All right.
Let's get out of here, Morty.
What the hell?!
I made Sanchez-eum up,
dumbasses.
Don't believe everything
you read on Wikipedia.
Stand down.
He's not afraid of pirates.
Oh! Run, Morty!
That part was true!
- I-I can't talk now, sweetie.
- Oh, when can you?
Good point.
What's up?
Remember a little while ago
when you said that, if I wanted,
I could, like, leave Earth
and wander the infinite cosmos
to figure out who I am and that
nobody would ever know I'd left
because you could
replace me with a clone?
- Mm-hmm.
- Am I the clone?
- Sorry. What?
- Am I the clone?
Did the real me choose to leave,
and I only
think I chose to stay because
that's what I need to think
because I'm
the replacement Beth?
- No.
- Okay.
And one more thing.
If I were a clone, would you tell me?
Beth, you know, when...
when smart people get happy,
they stop recognizing
themselves.
And you are very smart because
you're very much my daughter.
Oh, God. You're right.
I'm sorry.
Thank you, Dad.
- All good?
- Totally.
I'm fine now.
And just to be sure, you're not
pretending to be convinced you're real
because you're actually
convinced you're a clone
and you're now terrified
that becoming self-aware
would mean I'd have
to terminate you?
- No.
- Okay. Glad I could help.
See you soon.
Aaaaaah!
Where do I go?
What does th... What... What...
What... What does this mean?
This means nothing.
Pull forward and park.
Then say that, God damn it!
Sorry.
Bad day.
I am Presidentress of
the Mega Gargantuans.
We named ourselves
before learning we were small.
Madam Presidentress,
I'm President of America,
which is basically the world,
but you didn't hear that
from me.
- I've come to...
- I know who you are.
We've already agreed
to a ceasefire
with your ambassadors,
Rick and Morty.
Rick and Morty were here?
Of course they were here.
They can shrink
instantly and teleport.
They told me to give you this.
They said it will stretch
as your cancer pill wears off
and your body awkwardly enlarges
at the rate of a '50s movie.
Are there pants?
They said you'd prefer
just a shirt.
Apparently, you have a need
to swing your dick around?
Rick and Morty escaped.
No shit.
Take me to the Pentagon.
We're at war
with Rick and Morty.
You'll want to make a stop
at the White House?
I have pants at the Pentagon,
Rhonda. It's in my contract.
I mean you need to call
a press conference.
Israel and Palestine have
announced a permanent ceasefire.
What?
They signed something called
"The Pretty Obvious If You
Think About It" accord.
Apparently, an anonymous
American diplomat
took them
to a "Star Wars" cantina,
where they smoked
perspective-enhancing
alien pheromones
through a laser hookah.
I still say it has to be Putin.
It was Rick and Morty,
you ...ing dunce!
But you're getting
the credit, sir.
Your approval rating
just hit 100%
Why would Rick
and Morty want that?
Because they're assholes!
I'm flattered, but it takes a whole
team to achieve what we did today.
Thank you.
Well?
They haven't been back home, sir.
We've got every possible
location under surveillance.
God damn it!
They're right here!
They're here, God damn it!
Code Red! We need backup!
Everybody relax.
Just waiting for you
in the only room
you can't blow up or spy on.
So, we're not changing
timelines for you,
but now you have
everything you want,
so you can forget we exist,
and we'll return the favor.
You couldn't say that in a text?
Well, since we won't be seeing
each other again, my...
Guys, we get it.
It's a Code Red. Enough.
My grandson has
worked hard for you,
and I feel like
he's earned a selfie.
Honestly, I could take it or leave
it at this point.
You're taking it.
No. What kind of fratty-ass
status move is that?
Get out of my office!
Seriously?
You're that stubborn?
He's the stubborn one.
I'm protecting my country.
Uh, from selfies?
From subordination
to hostile powers.
Uh, does China know about
that deal-breaker?
China doesn't piss
on the White House.
Well, why would they?
I'm sure it was expensive.
- Get out.
- Not without a selfie.
- Arrest them.
- Son, you have a right to refuse his order,
and I guarantee you're going
to die if you touch me,
and there's no afterlife.
Everything just goes black.
Don't do it.
- Whoa, Rick!
- Okay.
What was that?
- Death.
- What kind?
- Instant.
- There was no sound.
- He just died.
- Yeah, terrifying.
It's a terrifying thing
to watch happen.
It's called a deterrent.
You couldn't just knock him out?
How is knocking out a deterrent?
Everyone wants to be
knocked out.
Nobody wants to be dead.
You committed murder
in the Oval Office.
- Now you can't leave.
- That's fine.
I said I'm not leaving
without a selfie.
Uh, I don't need a selfie.
And I'm saying
you aren't getting one
and you aren't leaving.
- So we agree?
- Yes. No. We disagree
because you think you're getting
a selfie and leaving.
Am I getting a selfie?
- Never.
- Then I'm never leaving.
- Exactly.
- See?
Does anyone have a shot?
Yes, nine people.
I can show you.
But I wouldn't recommend...
Open fire!
God, you are dumb!
Get the President out of here!
- Bad idea.
- Wait. Why?
Because if there isn't
someone in here
that they're not
supposed to kill,
they're going to wreck
the place trying to kill me.
As long as you live,
no matter where you are,
if it isn't in
a selfie with him,
I'll be here.
- Jesus!
- He's not a ...ing God!
You don't know what I am!
And you don't know
what I can do!
- Jesus! It's... It's cool, Rick!
- I'm Doctor Who in this mother ... !
I could be a clone.
I could be a hologram.
We could be clones
controlled by robots
controlled with special headsets
that the real Rick and Morty
are wearing
while they're ...ing
your mother!
I'm going to kill you!
Then come to 312 Olive Street!
- Is that her address?
- You don't know
because you're a bad son!
Ow!
Take him down!
Semper fi!
Aaaaah!
Number three, The Twister.
Ow! Damn it.
Number four...
The Hanky Panky.
Beth?
My dad might have cloned me,
and I might be the clone.
And he says I'm not, but that's
what he'd say to a clone.
Typical.
Number six, The Texas Ripple.
You look like you to me.
What are you, an idiot?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
That was so rude.
I came to you for help, and now
I'm insulting your intelligence.
And look where
intelligence gets you.
Well, don't knock intelligence,
because right now
I'd love to understand
how I can help you.
I can't be in charge
of that, Jerry.
My mind, my ideas are all
part of the variable.
The only constant is you.
You know me inside and out.
Do what you have to do.
Okay. Sit down.
Now cross your legs.
That leg on top. Good.
Oh, what is this?
Senior year,
I took you on a date
to the Milwaukee
Symphony Orchestra
performing the music
of Alan Silvestri in the Park.
At this point in the song
from "Volcano,"
when Tommy Lee Jones
and the utility workers
are using cars to guide
the lava into a cul-de-sac,
I realized my palms
were so sweaty,
I would never get
to hold your hand.
But I was desperate
to touch you,
so I wiped my palm
on the grass next to me.
But a Snickers wrapper
kind of got stuck on it,
so I started
kind of jiggling it,
whipping it without
moving too much.
But you started looking over,
and I thought,
"Well, this is it. She's going
to see that I'm a loser,
and I'll never get to touch her.
But I still have time
to touch her."
But my hand had Snickers on it,
and the brass section
was swelling
because it was the scene with
the guy melting in the lava.
And I just thought, "... it.
Lips don't sweat."
Wow. Yeah.
I'll never forget that feeling.
You're the real thing.
Then that settles it,
because my memory
is of hating that night.
But now, reliving it,
all I can feel is how lucky I am
to be loved by such a simple,
honest, simple man.
Simple twice.
This isn't the woman
you married, Jerry,
because this woman loves you.
Uh... well,
vive la différence.
Okay. That was lame.
Listen, I... Words.
Don Cheadle.
You have the right to get
the ... out of my office!
You have the right
to kiss my dick!
Give me the thing.
Ugh!
Oh!
Ugh!
Oh!
Ugh! Ugh!
Ohh!
Submit!
Submit for the selfie!
I yield! I yield!
Take the selfie!
Okay. Morty, get in there
and say, "Cheese."
Morty?
Morty, come on!
God damn it!
Rick, don't get mad,
but I-I stole your portal gun.
What the ... , Morty?!
I told you I didn't want
the damn selfie 800 times!
Look, whatever the hell
is going on between you
and the president,
it's got nothing to do with me.
So where did you go?
I can't tell you.
Rick, did you tell my mom
she might be a clone?
No! I told her she wasn't!
Well, isn't that
what you'd tell a clone?
Oh, for Christ's sake.
Rick, my mom and dad
are getting back together.
What? No!
She's not a clone!
Well, she says it doesn't
matter if she is or isn't
because now she loves my dad,
and she wanted me
and Summer to come home,
and we're hiding from you
so you don't kill her
if she's a clone in a place
I picked that
you will never find.
So don't look for us.
Come on, bitch!
Oh, you come on, bitch.
I'm out. I'm done.
I've got to...
I've got to go.
So I win. Then I'm in charge,
and you can't leave.
You're a terrorist.
You're an enemy of the state,
and you kicked me in the balls
10 minutes ago!
The office of the President
can't coexist
with a living God
that won't submit to it...
I mean, besides Poseidon.
But he's locked up
in Area 51 already,
so that doesn't really count.
Mr. President,
I'll make you a deal.
If you let me use
your ghetto-ass off-brand
deficit-tripling teleporter,
I can go take care of something,
and you'll never see me again.
Yes. Deal.
Invisi-troopers, stand down.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I don't want to hear it.
You know I could see them
this whole time, right?
Don't push it, Sanchez.
He found us!
I told you
we shouldn't have gone
to the same cabin as last time!
Oh, we're not going anywhere.
This ends now.
Dad, if you're my dad.
Of course, you're not my dad.
You're here with a gun
because I am a clone.
I guess I have all
your daughter's memories.
So I guess I was her,
which makes me related to her.
But I don't relate to her.
She left her family and me,
which means I relate to them.
So if you kill me, fine.
You're not killing her.
But you're killing
a real family.
And instead of doing that,
will you just go away?
Aren't there, like,
infinite time lines?
Can't you just move to one
where I don't know I'm a clone
and where a different
but identical version
of your authentic
sociopathic crazy bitch
of a daughter can keep
making you proud
by being somewhere else?
Beth, you crazy bitch.
You're my daughter.
I brought this here
to kill Jerry.
Oh, my God!
Jesus Christ!
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
You win, Jerry. You win!
No amount of genius can stop
your dumb mediocre vacuous roots
from digging into everything
and everyone around you
and draining them of
any ability to fend you off.
Well, it couldn't have been
easy for you to say that.
I appreciate it.
Morty, where's my portal gun?
Let's get out of here.
I'm staying here, Rick.
Are you... Ugh!
Nobody gets it.
Nothing you think matters
matters.
This isn't special.
This... This is happening
infinite times
across infinite realities.
Including this?
Yes!
Which is not to say that,
subjectively, it wasn't funny.
Are you going to stay?
There's infinite
time lines, Morty.
Why would I stay in the one
where I trashed the White House,
became an enemy of America
and the lowest-status character
in my idiot family?
Because of the fart?
There's still some rubble
over there.
I don't think you've
ever understood
what "Secretary of the Interior"
means!
Hi, Mr. President.
I'm Rick Sanchez,
but not the one that did this.
We Ricks travel the infinite and
switch places with each other
like hermit crabs, I think.
I'm fly-fishing Rick.
You can distinguish me from the Rick
that you had a falling-out with
by my fly-fishing enthusiasm
and accompanying hat.
I hope I can be of service
if, uh, you ever find
the planet to be in danger.
Friends?
Sounds good to me.
Kids, dinner!
I got Panda Express!
Did you get sugar chicken?
That's kind of the only
thing they have.
I love Panda E!
Thanks, Mom!
I'm hoping to get a piece
of your sugar chicken later.
Stop it.
Here's your
stupid hat, dipshit.
Dad, you can't talk to
Jerry that way anymore.
We're a real family now.
In many ways, things
will be like season 1
but more streamlined.
Now Jerry and I are happily
married parents,
and the idea
that I was motivated
by a fear of you leaving
can be eschewed.
Eschewed?
You've never used that word.
Maybe you are a clone.
It's not like
Rick would tell us.
Sync corrections by srjanapala
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Ooh-wee!
What a season!
Sorry I never showed up,
but I got married.
I had a baby.
I went back to school
and got my G-E-E-E-D.
What did you do
while you were waiting?
Hopefully you didn't just ...
around and waste your life.
Ooh-wee!
See you for Season 4 in,
like, a really long time!
I might even have
a big white Santa Claus beard
and... and... and a...
and a couple of grandkids
and all that kind of stuff.
See you... See you then!