Rick and Morty (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 8 - Interdimensional Cable 2: Tempting Fate - full transcript
Jerry is faced with the difficult decision of losing his manhood in order to save an alien leader from imminent death. Meanwhile, Rick, Morty and Summer explore the possibilities of interdimensional television.
[ Door beeps ]
Don't worry about Jerry.
He's gonna be fine.
You hear me, Jerry?
You're gonna be fine.
- Whoa!
- Ooh, watch out for that stuff.
It'll stain
if it gets on your clothes,
and it'll send you
into a murderous rage
if it gets
in your eyes or mouth.
Why would you keep
mutant bacteria
in a pint of Cherry Garcia?
I know this isn't the time,
but, you know,
technically, the second freezer
drawer is mine.
- Not anymore.
- You're overreacting!
We're losing him.
- All right, fine.
But you're
not touching my crisper.
- Is he going to die?
- Don't worry.
Dr. Glip Glop
is the best in the galaxy.
Hello, I'm Dr. Glip Glop.
Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!
- [ roars ]
- Aah!
[ Sizzling ]
- What?
Every hospital claims to have
the best doctor in the galaxy.
It's like
those pizza places
that claim to have
the best pizza in the world.
What do you think,
they have pizza contests?
Have you ever been
to a pizza contest?
- Go in the waiting room, Dad.
- Fine!
Excuse me.
Coming through.
What are you here for?
Just kidding.
I don't care.
♪♪
Well, this won't do.
- Hey, what are you doing?
- A sequel.
- I don't understand.
- Yeah, me, neither.
We pretty much nailed it
the first time.
♪ Bounce that ass,
drop it down to the floor ♪
♪ Freak that nigga
'til his shit get sore ♪
♪ Bounce that ass
drop it down to the floor ♪
♪ Shake that shit
'til you can't no more ♪
♪ Biatch! ♪
[ electricity crackling ]
[channels clicking]
Ooh! Ooh!
Ow!
"Man vs. Car,"
the newest hit show,
- Where it pits a man...
- Yeah!
- ...versus a car.
[horn honks]
On tonight's episode,
Michael Jenkins fights
a regular old car.
Here we go.
Oh, he's pushing
his way through.
He's trying to fight
that car,
but the car seems to have
the upper hand.
Oh, he's got a little bit
of pushback there.
Oh, no.
He just got ran over...
and chewed up
by the tires.
I guess that's another one
for the cars.
[ Iaughs ]
I mean,
wouldn't the cars always win?
♪♪
Samantha, I need to know
that you understand
that I have a couple
of eyeholes.
I do. I do understand
about your eyeholes.
Here,
look at my eyeholes.
Oh, my god.
You have eight eye ho-- holes.
[ Chuckles ]
Ohh, I'm looking through
your eyeholes.
Yes,
look through my eyeholes.
[moaning ]
I'm the Eyehole... Man.
I'm the only one that's
allowed to have Eyeholes.
Get up on out of here
with my Eyeholes.
ANNOUNCER: Eyeholes.
Get them today.
RICK: You gotta be
careful, Morty.
If that guy catches you
with a box of his Eyeholes,
he comes bursting in
through a window
and just starts
kicking the shit out of you.
But it's worth
the risk.
They melt in your mouth, Morty.
They're delicious.
Dad, I can't believe
you're explaining alien cereal.
- We're worried about Jerry.
- Well, you're 39 years too late,
or, you know,
however old he is.
Is he -- ls he 50?
Jesus Christ, Beth,
is -- ls Jerry 50?
Where am I?
Relax, Mr. Smith.
You're in an alien hospital.
I mean, to you,
it's an alien hospital.
To me,
you're just in a hospital.
There's another matter
we need to discuss with you.
Okay.
An hour ago,
Shrimply Pibbles,
the galaxy's most influential
civil rights leader,
was brought to this hospital's
emergency room,
where he is currently fighting
for his life.
My god.
Mr. Smith, Shrimply Pibbles'
life can be saved
if we replace
his heart with your human penis.
I see.
Wait, what?
It's perfect.
The configuration of veins,
the ratio of thickness
to elasticity,
the delicate asymmetry
of what you call your balls,
and with relatively
few adjustments,
your genitals can be molded
into a functioning heart
for the most important man
in the universe.
- Yeah, but -- I mean --
- Oh, forget it!
I told you this was
a waste of time!
Have respect, Yarp.
The Earth man's world
is tiny and undeveloped.
He knows nothing
of the genocides of Clorgon
or the tragic events
of 65.3432.23/14.
ALIEN: And even if he did,
he wouldn't comprehend them.
I've dwelt among the humans.
Their entire culture
is built around their penises.
It's funny to say
they are small.
It's funny
to say they are big.
I've been at parties
where humans have held
bottles, pencils, thermoses
in front of themselves
and called out,
"Hey, look at me.
I'm Mr. So-And-So-Dick.
I've got such-and-such
for a penis."
I never saw it fail
to get a laugh.
All right!
That's enough!
You guys are talking
about my species.
We understand genocide.
We do it sometimes.
Then you would
give your penis
so that Shrimply Pibbles
might live?
- Stop asking!
- Yes, I will!
That's right, assholes.
Take my penis.
Take it all!
And tell Shrimply Pibbles
that when the galaxy
came calling,
Jerry Smith from Earth
didn't flinch!
[ Iaughs ]
Hey, w-what's wrong,
Morty?
Oh, you're worried
about your dad, huh?
Huh?
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm just --
I'm just looking
at that lady over there
getting coffee.
What's up
with her face?
Is she human,
or is she like Worf?
You know,
Worf from "Star Trek,"
how he has all that shit
all over his face,
but he's just a human
in a costume, you know?
Morty, uh, let's see
what else is on, huh?
Okay.
And now we're back
to "How Did I Get Here?"
the only show
that makes you ask yourself,
"How did I get here ?"
[ chuckles ]
Here's our first person.
Oh. Oh, my god.
How did I get here?
Hello?!
How did I get here?!
Somebody, help me, please!
HOST: [ laughs ]
All right!
Holy crap! Look, it's that lady
with the shit on her face
like Worf from "Star Trek"
that was getting coffee!
How did she get there?!
Oh, my god, Morty,
how did she get there?
How did she get there ?
[laughs ]
ls that something
we should be concerned about?
Just stay away
from the coffee machine.
MAN: Calling all
Jan Michael Vincents.
Calling all
Jan Michael Vincents.
ANNOUNCER: In a world
where there's eight
Jan Michael Vincents...
MAN: We need one
Jan Michael Vincent
to Quadrant
We need two
Jan Michael Vincents
to Quadrant
...and 16 Quadrants,
There 's only enough time
for a Jan Michael Vincent
to make it to a quadrant.
He can't be at two quadrants
at once.
Hey, Rick, who --
Who is Jan Michael Vincent?
Oh, man, I'm trying to
remember, Morty.
Jan Michael Vincents
are used up.
I need a goddamn
Jan Michael Vincent.
Is it important that we know
who Jan Michael Vincent was...
- In order to get this?
- Nope.
I refuse to send the legislation
that allows more
than eight Jan Michael Vincents
to a precinct.
This Jan-Uary,
it's time to Michael down
your Vincents.
"Jan Quadrant Vincent 16."
- Whoa!
- Whoa!
That's Jan Michaels.
Excuse me, nurse,
can you take my temperature
because I think I have
Jan Quadrant Vincent fever
over here.
All right, Morty!
You've done it.
So, we'll be detaching
your sexual organ at the base
by making incisions
here, here, and here.
Got it.
Leaving a partial length
of severed urethra
- To be threaded through --
- [ laughs ]
Oh, you know what, I gotta --
I gotta laugh at myself here.
I'm having a little laugh
at myself
because I just realized
I haven't run
this whole decision
past my wife.
Oh. Do you think
she'll be okay with this?
Oh, absolutely.
Beth's automatically
on board always
with every decision
I make.
Hey, I'm Stealy.
Follow me on my adventure
through this office.
♪♪
All right, here we go.
We're gonna just steal
a couple of things.
Excuse me.
Can I help you?
Starting with common
office objects.
Hey, hey, hey!
That's my stuff!
Such as staplers
and pins
and all sorts of things like --
such as that.
That's it.
I'm calling security.
No! [muffled grunting]
♪♪
All right, okay,
now we're in the quiet safe room
where none of the people
whose stuff I stole
can get to us.
Now, let's look
at all the stuff we got.
We got a bag of bobbish.
That's eight brapples.
We got a plumbus.
That's 6 1/2 brapples.
We got, uh, a --
crushed red party cups.
15 1/2 brapples.
[ding! ding! ding! ding!]
Welcome back to "Funny Songs."
It's all improvised.
It's very funny.
I need a volunteer
from the audience.
Um, longtime fan
of the show. Uh --
What do you do?
What's your profession?
I am a tax attorney.
Okay, here we go.
Hit -- Hit the music.
♪♪
♪ I'm a tax attorney ♪
♪ Oh, geez, oh ♪
♪ Forget about everybody else ♪
♪ Forget about Jesus Christ ♪
♪ Forget about Muhammad ♪
♪ Forget about, uh...
all those religions ♪
♪ Ba-Da-Ba-Ba-Da-Ba-Bop ♪
The end.
Oh, my god.
Oh, that was so, so funny.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Hey, um, security guards,
take him out.
Get him out of here.
- What?
Get the orthodontist
out of here.
- No! Why?
[glass shatters]
Take him out of the audience.
Kill him. Sic him.
Demons...
Suck his life out.
I don't give a shit.
- Smith family?
- Yes?
I wanted to let you all know
that Jerry is doing just fine.
- Yay! Called it!
- Whoo-hoo! That's good news!
But, uh, Mrs. Smith,
could you come with me?
Hi, honey,
so, here's the thing --
These guys --
They want to completely
remove my penis and use it
as an alien's heart.
And we just need you
to sign off on it.
- What?!
- Uh-Oh.
Maybe we got a problem here
after all, guys. Yikes.
His penis will be replaced
with a sophisticated prosthetic.
Now, there's a wide range
of options to choose from.
They're all
in this catalogue.
I don't care about prosthetics.
This is insane.
What do you people
think you're doing?
I understand your feelings,
Mrs. Smith.
Oh, I don't think you do.
I bring my husband in
for emergency treatment.
He's gone an hour.
And now you want his penis,
and you hand me some...catalog.
It's -- It's --
It's -- It's -- I mean...
Sheesh. Well, there you go.
Sorry.
I know it's hard
to understand,
but on Earth,
love comes first.
There are those that believe,
Mr. Smith,
that Shrimply Pibbles represents
love between all life.
His fate will determine
the fate of hundreds of billions
of sentient life-forms.
Whoa! Whoa.
So, billions of life-forms?
Hundreds of billions.
I mean, Jerry,
y-you didn't explain
the full gravity
of the situation.
Uh, well, Beth,
I don't think your decision
should be based
on politics.
Who could argue
with a wife's decision
to keep her lover intact?
Well, I don't think that's
fair at all, Jerry. At all.
In fact, the whole paradigm
has sexist overtones.
Beth, can we talk
about this privately?
You know, I think
the bottom line is, Jerry,
if you want to keep your penis,
you should say, out loud,
"I prefer to keep
my penis."
But, Beth, what kind of man
would say something like that
if the universe needed
his penis?!
Well, Jerry,
what kind of wife would I be
if I did anything
to stand in your way?
Hey, listen,
is your mouth tiny and small?
Then why don't you come
to Lil' Bits...
MAN: Lil' Bits!
...where the food is tiny.
It looks like regular food,
but really tiny.
You can put it in your mouth
and eat it.
Nothing gets stuck
in your lips.
It's just tiny and tiny
and fits right --
- Fits fight 'm.
- Lil' Bits!
We got tiny lasagna,
tiny pizza, tiny pie.
Mmm!
Little, tiny fried eggs.
Oh, shit.
We got tiny people.
Lil' Bits!
You hungry?
Come on down.
Lil' Bits.
Eat some fucking shit,
you fucking stupid bitch.
[ Chuckles ]
Just kidding.
You've got some time to kill
before the procedure,
so I assume
you'd like to, uh,
use your penis
one last time.
Here's my computer.
It's got the alien internet
on it.
Here's some porn.
And there's
an alien towel.
I actually got that
on another planet.
So it is an alien towel
to me.
- Good luck.
- Thanks.
[ Door closes]
[signs]
What is this?
Hmm.
Hey, wait a minute.
Oh, uh, Mr. Smith?
Uh, yeah,
just masturbating!
I forgot to mention,
there are extensive medical
records open on my desktop,
and I trust you to confine
your activities...
- to the purely pornographic.
- Absolutely!
Good luck.
[ clicks ]
My god!
[chuckles]
Mr. Pibbles,
you just wrote my penis
a one-way ticket
to staying on my body town.
ANNOUNCER: It's the opposite news
with Michael Thompson.
Hey, everybody.
It's me, Michael Thompson.
Today the Pope
didn't get killed.
He's perfectly fine.
And he's on vacation in Aruba.
In other opposite news,
information...
Hey, Rick,
what's the deal with this guy?
W-Why is his body,
like, sloping off
to the right side
of the screen like that?
I don't know, Morty.
See what else is on, huh?
Hey, welcome
to "Cooking Things.“
I'm Pichael Thompson.
Hey, wait a minute, Rick.
This guy's body
is, like, sloping down
and leaning off
to screen left.
Oh, my god,
and his name's Pichael.
I'm cooking
a little bit of this.
I'm gonna cook
a little bit of that.
on, oh, hey!
Stop tugging. Michael!
Oh, my god!
Siamese twins!
They're --
They're Siamese twins!
You quit tugging.
I-I'm in the middle of my news.
Oh, oh, it's always about you,
isn't it?
Can you believe this guy,
ladies and gentlemen?
He's got his own news show.
He's got a normal name.
- Hey, flip back to the news.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You could tell our parents
started with naming with him.
It's like, "oh, Michael. "
They had that one planned - .
Before they even got
pregnant, I bet.
I don't want to be
that girl,
but maybe there would be
less conflict
if they didn't shoot their shows
at the same time.
Oh, Summer,
you have no idea
how much money
that must save production.
And then they found out
I was attached,
along for the ride,
and they said, "ah, shit.
Well, just fuck it,
call him Pichael."
Fuck you, Pichael.
You're a fucking piece of shit.
♪♪
[ camera shutters clicking ]
Good afternoon.
I know all of you
are wondering
about the condition
of our dear, beloved Pibbles.
Which would you prefer between
the XP-20 and the XP-20 XS?
I prefer my own penis,
and so should you!
The brave Earth man
whose sacrifice
is going to allow
Shrimply Pibbles to live --
Mr. Jerry Smith.
[cheers and applause]
Hello, everyone!
Let's hear it again
for Shrimply Pibbles, huh?
He's a good guy, isn't he?
I've only just been learning
about his accomplishments,
from his march
on Flirk Blirk Square
to his ongoing battle
with heroin dependency.
He's the best.
[cheers and applause]
Um, yeah.
Well, I-it occurs to me
that his heroin addiction
may not have been
a matter of public record.
You realize heroin makes up
10% of the atmosphere
on Shrimply Pibbles'
home planet.
His planet was destroyed
by Clorgon death squads.
He can't live outside of it
without breathing heroin.
Right. I know that.
I just think...
This guy's trying to get out of
giving away his penis!
[ Crowd shouting ]
NARRATOR:
Today on "How They Do It"...
Plumbuses.
Everyone has a plumbus
in their home.
First, they take the dinglebop,
and they smooth it out
with a bunch of schleem.
The schleem is then repurposed
for later batches.
They take the dinglebop,
and they push it
through the grumbo,
where the fleeb
is rubbed against it.
It's important that the fleeb
is rubbed
because the fleeb
has all of the fleeb juice.
Then a schlami shows up,
and he rubs it and spits on it.
They cut the fleeb.
There's several hizards
in the way.
The blamfs rub
against the chumbles.
And the ploobis and grumbo
are shaved away.
That leaves you
with a regular, old plumbus.
I always wondered how,
uh, plumbuses got made.
Hey, welcome back
to "Personal Space."
I'm your host Phillip Jacobs,
and let me tell you,
I care about my personal space.
Whoa, whoa. Hey.
Who's around me right now?
Who's around me?
Now, why don't we step up here
and everybody get stepped up
and let's get
some stepped-up personal space
up in this place.
Here we go.
We get a one, personal space.
Two, personal space.
Three,
stay out of my personal space.
Four, keep away
from my personal space.
Five...
get out of that personal space.
Six...
Stay away
from my personal space.
Seven...
keep away
from that personal space.
Eight, personal space.
Nine, personal space.
You know, I take personal space
pretty seriously,
up to the point that I don 't
even care about this --
I'm not even interested
in having this skin
on my personal space.
[ groans ]
Oh, my god!
[ Groans ]
Oh, it hurts!
SUMMER:
Gross!
RICK: [laughs]
What an asshole!
Ohh, tune in next week...
[ theme music plays]
...to the best show ever,
the show
we all grew and love --
"The Personal Space Show."
ANNOUNCER: More "Personal Space"
next Tuesday at 8:00.
Up next, the heat is turning up
with Samantha and the Boys
on "The Northsiders."
[ speaking alien language]
[whistle blows]
If you could all just stop
screaming and chanting
and making whatever
that gesture means --
Excuse me.
Come on.
Please, everyone, I have news
about Shrimply Pibbles.
Word of Jerry Smith
trying to weasel out
of his penis donation
has spread across the galaxy.
Beings everywhere
have come together
to offer what little they have
to help save Shrimply's life.
Enough to pay for a brand-new,
state-of-the-art synthetic heart
that will be even better
than Mr. Smith's pathetic penis.
Wait! That was an option
the whole time?!
You guys suck!
Yeah. We suck.
Are you still here?
Okay, Jerry.
Let's head home.
I can't leave now.
Everyone hates me.
Unfortunately,
there's no surgical procedure
that can fix that.
Or is there?
[ Monitor beeping ]
- Scalpel.
- Scalpel.
- Nano-Doctor.
- Nano-Doctor.
- Nano-Scalpel.
- Nano-Scalpel.
Okay. We're ready.
Not so fast!
Mr. Smith? What are you doing?
Are you insane?!
I'm a good person,
and I demand
that you cut off my penis
and put it
in that man's chest.
That's not how it works!
Well, you're gonna
make it work.
[ Knocking ]
I'm Octopus Man!
[laughs]
I'm Octopus Man! [laughs]
I'm a marine biologist
who was bitten by an octopus.
[ Iaughs ]
And now I'm --
I help people.
I save people.
I'm a troublesome
octopus person.
Uh-Oh. I gotta save
some trouble
'cause here comes
a trouble mite.
SUMMER: Gross!
Does all interdimensional TV
have to rely on juvenile violence?
Well, Summer, maybe people that
create things aren't
concerned with your delicate
sensibilities, you know'?
Maybe the species
that communicate with each other
through the filter
of your comfort
are less evolved than
the ones that just communicate!
Maybe your problems
are your own to deal with,
and maybe the public giving
a shit about your feelings
is a one-way ticket
to extinction!
Geez, Morty.
I take it Cathrine Hefflefinger
hasn't texted you back yet.
I don't want to talk
about it.
- Okay, guys, let's go home.
- Where's Dad?
Breaking news--
Shrimply Pibbles is being
held hostage by the human
known as Jerry Smith.
- Remove my penis!
- SUMMER: [gasps]
- Holy crap!
- It's cool. It's fine.
It's gotta be from
an alternate reality, right?
- Are you sure?
- I don't know.
Do it! Do it!
Remove my penis!
Sir, put the gun down
and step away
from Mr. Pibbles!
- Jerry!
- Dad, what are you doing?
I'm a good person.
I'm a good person.
Where did he get a gun?
Who gave him a gun?
That's not a gun.
That's the XP-20 XS.
Ah!
Oh, my god.
I'm a good person.
[screaming ]
[ Distorted screaming ]
No!
Nooooo!
[ Monitor beeping ]
[ both screaming ]
MAN: Hey, how's it going?
This is
my butthole ice cream parlor.
I got all kinds of ice cream --
peanut butter and jelly...
[ farts]
- ...vanilla...
[ farts]
- ....chocolate...
[ farts]
- ...and every flavor
served out of a butthole...
- [ groaning ]
- just like you 're back home.
- Dad!
" Dad!
What happened?
Where am I?
Was it all a dream?
No, you were shot
like 50 times.
57. Thankfully,
you're in a super-sophisticated
alien hospital,
so it was basically like
getting a splinter removed.
All -- All I wanted
was for everyone to like me.
Jerry, remember that time
you left a comment
underneath that YouTube video
and someone replied
and called you a dumbass,
so you replied and told them,
"it takes one to know one,"
and you stayed up all night
hitting "refresh"
on your browser
waiting for them to reply
and then you fell asleep crying?
I remember it differently.
This is like that.
You can't make people like you.
You just have to wait
for hating you to bore them.
You know, you're right.
I shouldn't be motivated
by other people's
opinions of me.
All right, guys,
let's go home.
If it's all the same
to you, Rick,
I'd like to go
to the zoo...
- With my family.
- What?!
- What are you talking about?!
- Why would we do that?!
- It's a stupid idea!
What's the matter with you!?
Don't be a piece of shit,
Jerry!
Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
We'll go home.
What the hell
is he talking about?!
JV'
- Aah!
- I'm the Eyehole Man!
What is going on? Aah!
Give me my Eyeholes!
I'm Eyehole Man!
That part of the cupboard
is mine, Jerry!
Why do you
even have those?!
- Give me my Eyeholes!
- Help me, please!
Get up on out of here
with my Eyeholes!
[screaming ]
Did you get any of that?
It's-a good-a show!
Don't worry about Jerry.
He's gonna be fine.
You hear me, Jerry?
You're gonna be fine.
- Whoa!
- Ooh, watch out for that stuff.
It'll stain
if it gets on your clothes,
and it'll send you
into a murderous rage
if it gets
in your eyes or mouth.
Why would you keep
mutant bacteria
in a pint of Cherry Garcia?
I know this isn't the time,
but, you know,
technically, the second freezer
drawer is mine.
- Not anymore.
- You're overreacting!
We're losing him.
- All right, fine.
But you're
not touching my crisper.
- Is he going to die?
- Don't worry.
Dr. Glip Glop
is the best in the galaxy.
Hello, I'm Dr. Glip Glop.
Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!
- [ roars ]
- Aah!
[ Sizzling ]
- What?
Every hospital claims to have
the best doctor in the galaxy.
It's like
those pizza places
that claim to have
the best pizza in the world.
What do you think,
they have pizza contests?
Have you ever been
to a pizza contest?
- Go in the waiting room, Dad.
- Fine!
Excuse me.
Coming through.
What are you here for?
Just kidding.
I don't care.
♪♪
Well, this won't do.
- Hey, what are you doing?
- A sequel.
- I don't understand.
- Yeah, me, neither.
We pretty much nailed it
the first time.
♪ Bounce that ass,
drop it down to the floor ♪
♪ Freak that nigga
'til his shit get sore ♪
♪ Bounce that ass
drop it down to the floor ♪
♪ Shake that shit
'til you can't no more ♪
♪ Biatch! ♪
[ electricity crackling ]
[channels clicking]
Ooh! Ooh!
Ow!
"Man vs. Car,"
the newest hit show,
- Where it pits a man...
- Yeah!
- ...versus a car.
[horn honks]
On tonight's episode,
Michael Jenkins fights
a regular old car.
Here we go.
Oh, he's pushing
his way through.
He's trying to fight
that car,
but the car seems to have
the upper hand.
Oh, he's got a little bit
of pushback there.
Oh, no.
He just got ran over...
and chewed up
by the tires.
I guess that's another one
for the cars.
[ Iaughs ]
I mean,
wouldn't the cars always win?
♪♪
Samantha, I need to know
that you understand
that I have a couple
of eyeholes.
I do. I do understand
about your eyeholes.
Here,
look at my eyeholes.
Oh, my god.
You have eight eye ho-- holes.
[ Chuckles ]
Ohh, I'm looking through
your eyeholes.
Yes,
look through my eyeholes.
[moaning ]
I'm the Eyehole... Man.
I'm the only one that's
allowed to have Eyeholes.
Get up on out of here
with my Eyeholes.
ANNOUNCER: Eyeholes.
Get them today.
RICK: You gotta be
careful, Morty.
If that guy catches you
with a box of his Eyeholes,
he comes bursting in
through a window
and just starts
kicking the shit out of you.
But it's worth
the risk.
They melt in your mouth, Morty.
They're delicious.
Dad, I can't believe
you're explaining alien cereal.
- We're worried about Jerry.
- Well, you're 39 years too late,
or, you know,
however old he is.
Is he -- ls he 50?
Jesus Christ, Beth,
is -- ls Jerry 50?
Where am I?
Relax, Mr. Smith.
You're in an alien hospital.
I mean, to you,
it's an alien hospital.
To me,
you're just in a hospital.
There's another matter
we need to discuss with you.
Okay.
An hour ago,
Shrimply Pibbles,
the galaxy's most influential
civil rights leader,
was brought to this hospital's
emergency room,
where he is currently fighting
for his life.
My god.
Mr. Smith, Shrimply Pibbles'
life can be saved
if we replace
his heart with your human penis.
I see.
Wait, what?
It's perfect.
The configuration of veins,
the ratio of thickness
to elasticity,
the delicate asymmetry
of what you call your balls,
and with relatively
few adjustments,
your genitals can be molded
into a functioning heart
for the most important man
in the universe.
- Yeah, but -- I mean --
- Oh, forget it!
I told you this was
a waste of time!
Have respect, Yarp.
The Earth man's world
is tiny and undeveloped.
He knows nothing
of the genocides of Clorgon
or the tragic events
of 65.3432.23/14.
ALIEN: And even if he did,
he wouldn't comprehend them.
I've dwelt among the humans.
Their entire culture
is built around their penises.
It's funny to say
they are small.
It's funny
to say they are big.
I've been at parties
where humans have held
bottles, pencils, thermoses
in front of themselves
and called out,
"Hey, look at me.
I'm Mr. So-And-So-Dick.
I've got such-and-such
for a penis."
I never saw it fail
to get a laugh.
All right!
That's enough!
You guys are talking
about my species.
We understand genocide.
We do it sometimes.
Then you would
give your penis
so that Shrimply Pibbles
might live?
- Stop asking!
- Yes, I will!
That's right, assholes.
Take my penis.
Take it all!
And tell Shrimply Pibbles
that when the galaxy
came calling,
Jerry Smith from Earth
didn't flinch!
[ Iaughs ]
Hey, w-what's wrong,
Morty?
Oh, you're worried
about your dad, huh?
Huh?
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm just --
I'm just looking
at that lady over there
getting coffee.
What's up
with her face?
Is she human,
or is she like Worf?
You know,
Worf from "Star Trek,"
how he has all that shit
all over his face,
but he's just a human
in a costume, you know?
Morty, uh, let's see
what else is on, huh?
Okay.
And now we're back
to "How Did I Get Here?"
the only show
that makes you ask yourself,
"How did I get here ?"
[ chuckles ]
Here's our first person.
Oh. Oh, my god.
How did I get here?
Hello?!
How did I get here?!
Somebody, help me, please!
HOST: [ laughs ]
All right!
Holy crap! Look, it's that lady
with the shit on her face
like Worf from "Star Trek"
that was getting coffee!
How did she get there?!
Oh, my god, Morty,
how did she get there?
How did she get there ?
[laughs ]
ls that something
we should be concerned about?
Just stay away
from the coffee machine.
MAN: Calling all
Jan Michael Vincents.
Calling all
Jan Michael Vincents.
ANNOUNCER: In a world
where there's eight
Jan Michael Vincents...
MAN: We need one
Jan Michael Vincent
to Quadrant
We need two
Jan Michael Vincents
to Quadrant
...and 16 Quadrants,
There 's only enough time
for a Jan Michael Vincent
to make it to a quadrant.
He can't be at two quadrants
at once.
Hey, Rick, who --
Who is Jan Michael Vincent?
Oh, man, I'm trying to
remember, Morty.
Jan Michael Vincents
are used up.
I need a goddamn
Jan Michael Vincent.
Is it important that we know
who Jan Michael Vincent was...
- In order to get this?
- Nope.
I refuse to send the legislation
that allows more
than eight Jan Michael Vincents
to a precinct.
This Jan-Uary,
it's time to Michael down
your Vincents.
"Jan Quadrant Vincent 16."
- Whoa!
- Whoa!
That's Jan Michaels.
Excuse me, nurse,
can you take my temperature
because I think I have
Jan Quadrant Vincent fever
over here.
All right, Morty!
You've done it.
So, we'll be detaching
your sexual organ at the base
by making incisions
here, here, and here.
Got it.
Leaving a partial length
of severed urethra
- To be threaded through --
- [ laughs ]
Oh, you know what, I gotta --
I gotta laugh at myself here.
I'm having a little laugh
at myself
because I just realized
I haven't run
this whole decision
past my wife.
Oh. Do you think
she'll be okay with this?
Oh, absolutely.
Beth's automatically
on board always
with every decision
I make.
Hey, I'm Stealy.
Follow me on my adventure
through this office.
♪♪
All right, here we go.
We're gonna just steal
a couple of things.
Excuse me.
Can I help you?
Starting with common
office objects.
Hey, hey, hey!
That's my stuff!
Such as staplers
and pins
and all sorts of things like --
such as that.
That's it.
I'm calling security.
No! [muffled grunting]
♪♪
All right, okay,
now we're in the quiet safe room
where none of the people
whose stuff I stole
can get to us.
Now, let's look
at all the stuff we got.
We got a bag of bobbish.
That's eight brapples.
We got a plumbus.
That's 6 1/2 brapples.
We got, uh, a --
crushed red party cups.
15 1/2 brapples.
[ding! ding! ding! ding!]
Welcome back to "Funny Songs."
It's all improvised.
It's very funny.
I need a volunteer
from the audience.
Um, longtime fan
of the show. Uh --
What do you do?
What's your profession?
I am a tax attorney.
Okay, here we go.
Hit -- Hit the music.
♪♪
♪ I'm a tax attorney ♪
♪ Oh, geez, oh ♪
♪ Forget about everybody else ♪
♪ Forget about Jesus Christ ♪
♪ Forget about Muhammad ♪
♪ Forget about, uh...
all those religions ♪
♪ Ba-Da-Ba-Ba-Da-Ba-Bop ♪
The end.
Oh, my god.
Oh, that was so, so funny.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Hey, um, security guards,
take him out.
Get him out of here.
- What?
Get the orthodontist
out of here.
- No! Why?
[glass shatters]
Take him out of the audience.
Kill him. Sic him.
Demons...
Suck his life out.
I don't give a shit.
- Smith family?
- Yes?
I wanted to let you all know
that Jerry is doing just fine.
- Yay! Called it!
- Whoo-hoo! That's good news!
But, uh, Mrs. Smith,
could you come with me?
Hi, honey,
so, here's the thing --
These guys --
They want to completely
remove my penis and use it
as an alien's heart.
And we just need you
to sign off on it.
- What?!
- Uh-Oh.
Maybe we got a problem here
after all, guys. Yikes.
His penis will be replaced
with a sophisticated prosthetic.
Now, there's a wide range
of options to choose from.
They're all
in this catalogue.
I don't care about prosthetics.
This is insane.
What do you people
think you're doing?
I understand your feelings,
Mrs. Smith.
Oh, I don't think you do.
I bring my husband in
for emergency treatment.
He's gone an hour.
And now you want his penis,
and you hand me some...catalog.
It's -- It's --
It's -- It's -- I mean...
Sheesh. Well, there you go.
Sorry.
I know it's hard
to understand,
but on Earth,
love comes first.
There are those that believe,
Mr. Smith,
that Shrimply Pibbles represents
love between all life.
His fate will determine
the fate of hundreds of billions
of sentient life-forms.
Whoa! Whoa.
So, billions of life-forms?
Hundreds of billions.
I mean, Jerry,
y-you didn't explain
the full gravity
of the situation.
Uh, well, Beth,
I don't think your decision
should be based
on politics.
Who could argue
with a wife's decision
to keep her lover intact?
Well, I don't think that's
fair at all, Jerry. At all.
In fact, the whole paradigm
has sexist overtones.
Beth, can we talk
about this privately?
You know, I think
the bottom line is, Jerry,
if you want to keep your penis,
you should say, out loud,
"I prefer to keep
my penis."
But, Beth, what kind of man
would say something like that
if the universe needed
his penis?!
Well, Jerry,
what kind of wife would I be
if I did anything
to stand in your way?
Hey, listen,
is your mouth tiny and small?
Then why don't you come
to Lil' Bits...
MAN: Lil' Bits!
...where the food is tiny.
It looks like regular food,
but really tiny.
You can put it in your mouth
and eat it.
Nothing gets stuck
in your lips.
It's just tiny and tiny
and fits right --
- Fits fight 'm.
- Lil' Bits!
We got tiny lasagna,
tiny pizza, tiny pie.
Mmm!
Little, tiny fried eggs.
Oh, shit.
We got tiny people.
Lil' Bits!
You hungry?
Come on down.
Lil' Bits.
Eat some fucking shit,
you fucking stupid bitch.
[ Chuckles ]
Just kidding.
You've got some time to kill
before the procedure,
so I assume
you'd like to, uh,
use your penis
one last time.
Here's my computer.
It's got the alien internet
on it.
Here's some porn.
And there's
an alien towel.
I actually got that
on another planet.
So it is an alien towel
to me.
- Good luck.
- Thanks.
[ Door closes]
[signs]
What is this?
Hmm.
Hey, wait a minute.
Oh, uh, Mr. Smith?
Uh, yeah,
just masturbating!
I forgot to mention,
there are extensive medical
records open on my desktop,
and I trust you to confine
your activities...
- to the purely pornographic.
- Absolutely!
Good luck.
[ clicks ]
My god!
[chuckles]
Mr. Pibbles,
you just wrote my penis
a one-way ticket
to staying on my body town.
ANNOUNCER: It's the opposite news
with Michael Thompson.
Hey, everybody.
It's me, Michael Thompson.
Today the Pope
didn't get killed.
He's perfectly fine.
And he's on vacation in Aruba.
In other opposite news,
information...
Hey, Rick,
what's the deal with this guy?
W-Why is his body,
like, sloping off
to the right side
of the screen like that?
I don't know, Morty.
See what else is on, huh?
Hey, welcome
to "Cooking Things.“
I'm Pichael Thompson.
Hey, wait a minute, Rick.
This guy's body
is, like, sloping down
and leaning off
to screen left.
Oh, my god,
and his name's Pichael.
I'm cooking
a little bit of this.
I'm gonna cook
a little bit of that.
on, oh, hey!
Stop tugging. Michael!
Oh, my god!
Siamese twins!
They're --
They're Siamese twins!
You quit tugging.
I-I'm in the middle of my news.
Oh, oh, it's always about you,
isn't it?
Can you believe this guy,
ladies and gentlemen?
He's got his own news show.
He's got a normal name.
- Hey, flip back to the news.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You could tell our parents
started with naming with him.
It's like, "oh, Michael. "
They had that one planned - .
Before they even got
pregnant, I bet.
I don't want to be
that girl,
but maybe there would be
less conflict
if they didn't shoot their shows
at the same time.
Oh, Summer,
you have no idea
how much money
that must save production.
And then they found out
I was attached,
along for the ride,
and they said, "ah, shit.
Well, just fuck it,
call him Pichael."
Fuck you, Pichael.
You're a fucking piece of shit.
♪♪
[ camera shutters clicking ]
Good afternoon.
I know all of you
are wondering
about the condition
of our dear, beloved Pibbles.
Which would you prefer between
the XP-20 and the XP-20 XS?
I prefer my own penis,
and so should you!
The brave Earth man
whose sacrifice
is going to allow
Shrimply Pibbles to live --
Mr. Jerry Smith.
[cheers and applause]
Hello, everyone!
Let's hear it again
for Shrimply Pibbles, huh?
He's a good guy, isn't he?
I've only just been learning
about his accomplishments,
from his march
on Flirk Blirk Square
to his ongoing battle
with heroin dependency.
He's the best.
[cheers and applause]
Um, yeah.
Well, I-it occurs to me
that his heroin addiction
may not have been
a matter of public record.
You realize heroin makes up
10% of the atmosphere
on Shrimply Pibbles'
home planet.
His planet was destroyed
by Clorgon death squads.
He can't live outside of it
without breathing heroin.
Right. I know that.
I just think...
This guy's trying to get out of
giving away his penis!
[ Crowd shouting ]
NARRATOR:
Today on "How They Do It"...
Plumbuses.
Everyone has a plumbus
in their home.
First, they take the dinglebop,
and they smooth it out
with a bunch of schleem.
The schleem is then repurposed
for later batches.
They take the dinglebop,
and they push it
through the grumbo,
where the fleeb
is rubbed against it.
It's important that the fleeb
is rubbed
because the fleeb
has all of the fleeb juice.
Then a schlami shows up,
and he rubs it and spits on it.
They cut the fleeb.
There's several hizards
in the way.
The blamfs rub
against the chumbles.
And the ploobis and grumbo
are shaved away.
That leaves you
with a regular, old plumbus.
I always wondered how,
uh, plumbuses got made.
Hey, welcome back
to "Personal Space."
I'm your host Phillip Jacobs,
and let me tell you,
I care about my personal space.
Whoa, whoa. Hey.
Who's around me right now?
Who's around me?
Now, why don't we step up here
and everybody get stepped up
and let's get
some stepped-up personal space
up in this place.
Here we go.
We get a one, personal space.
Two, personal space.
Three,
stay out of my personal space.
Four, keep away
from my personal space.
Five...
get out of that personal space.
Six...
Stay away
from my personal space.
Seven...
keep away
from that personal space.
Eight, personal space.
Nine, personal space.
You know, I take personal space
pretty seriously,
up to the point that I don 't
even care about this --
I'm not even interested
in having this skin
on my personal space.
[ groans ]
Oh, my god!
[ Groans ]
Oh, it hurts!
SUMMER:
Gross!
RICK: [laughs]
What an asshole!
Ohh, tune in next week...
[ theme music plays]
...to the best show ever,
the show
we all grew and love --
"The Personal Space Show."
ANNOUNCER: More "Personal Space"
next Tuesday at 8:00.
Up next, the heat is turning up
with Samantha and the Boys
on "The Northsiders."
[ speaking alien language]
[whistle blows]
If you could all just stop
screaming and chanting
and making whatever
that gesture means --
Excuse me.
Come on.
Please, everyone, I have news
about Shrimply Pibbles.
Word of Jerry Smith
trying to weasel out
of his penis donation
has spread across the galaxy.
Beings everywhere
have come together
to offer what little they have
to help save Shrimply's life.
Enough to pay for a brand-new,
state-of-the-art synthetic heart
that will be even better
than Mr. Smith's pathetic penis.
Wait! That was an option
the whole time?!
You guys suck!
Yeah. We suck.
Are you still here?
Okay, Jerry.
Let's head home.
I can't leave now.
Everyone hates me.
Unfortunately,
there's no surgical procedure
that can fix that.
Or is there?
[ Monitor beeping ]
- Scalpel.
- Scalpel.
- Nano-Doctor.
- Nano-Doctor.
- Nano-Scalpel.
- Nano-Scalpel.
Okay. We're ready.
Not so fast!
Mr. Smith? What are you doing?
Are you insane?!
I'm a good person,
and I demand
that you cut off my penis
and put it
in that man's chest.
That's not how it works!
Well, you're gonna
make it work.
[ Knocking ]
I'm Octopus Man!
[laughs]
I'm Octopus Man! [laughs]
I'm a marine biologist
who was bitten by an octopus.
[ Iaughs ]
And now I'm --
I help people.
I save people.
I'm a troublesome
octopus person.
Uh-Oh. I gotta save
some trouble
'cause here comes
a trouble mite.
SUMMER: Gross!
Does all interdimensional TV
have to rely on juvenile violence?
Well, Summer, maybe people that
create things aren't
concerned with your delicate
sensibilities, you know'?
Maybe the species
that communicate with each other
through the filter
of your comfort
are less evolved than
the ones that just communicate!
Maybe your problems
are your own to deal with,
and maybe the public giving
a shit about your feelings
is a one-way ticket
to extinction!
Geez, Morty.
I take it Cathrine Hefflefinger
hasn't texted you back yet.
I don't want to talk
about it.
- Okay, guys, let's go home.
- Where's Dad?
Breaking news--
Shrimply Pibbles is being
held hostage by the human
known as Jerry Smith.
- Remove my penis!
- SUMMER: [gasps]
- Holy crap!
- It's cool. It's fine.
It's gotta be from
an alternate reality, right?
- Are you sure?
- I don't know.
Do it! Do it!
Remove my penis!
Sir, put the gun down
and step away
from Mr. Pibbles!
- Jerry!
- Dad, what are you doing?
I'm a good person.
I'm a good person.
Where did he get a gun?
Who gave him a gun?
That's not a gun.
That's the XP-20 XS.
Ah!
Oh, my god.
I'm a good person.
[screaming ]
[ Distorted screaming ]
No!
Nooooo!
[ Monitor beeping ]
[ both screaming ]
MAN: Hey, how's it going?
This is
my butthole ice cream parlor.
I got all kinds of ice cream --
peanut butter and jelly...
[ farts]
- ...vanilla...
[ farts]
- ....chocolate...
[ farts]
- ...and every flavor
served out of a butthole...
- [ groaning ]
- just like you 're back home.
- Dad!
" Dad!
What happened?
Where am I?
Was it all a dream?
No, you were shot
like 50 times.
57. Thankfully,
you're in a super-sophisticated
alien hospital,
so it was basically like
getting a splinter removed.
All -- All I wanted
was for everyone to like me.
Jerry, remember that time
you left a comment
underneath that YouTube video
and someone replied
and called you a dumbass,
so you replied and told them,
"it takes one to know one,"
and you stayed up all night
hitting "refresh"
on your browser
waiting for them to reply
and then you fell asleep crying?
I remember it differently.
This is like that.
You can't make people like you.
You just have to wait
for hating you to bore them.
You know, you're right.
I shouldn't be motivated
by other people's
opinions of me.
All right, guys,
let's go home.
If it's all the same
to you, Rick,
I'd like to go
to the zoo...
- With my family.
- What?!
- What are you talking about?!
- Why would we do that?!
- It's a stupid idea!
What's the matter with you!?
Don't be a piece of shit,
Jerry!
Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
We'll go home.
What the hell
is he talking about?!
JV'
- Aah!
- I'm the Eyehole Man!
What is going on? Aah!
Give me my Eyeholes!
I'm Eyehole Man!
That part of the cupboard
is mine, Jerry!
Why do you
even have those?!
- Give me my Eyeholes!
- Help me, please!
Get up on out of here
with my Eyeholes!
[screaming ]
Did you get any of that?
It's-a good-a show!