Rick and Morty (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 7 - Big Trouble in Little Sanchez - full transcript
Rick joins in on some hijinks by transferring his consciousness into teenage "Tiny Rick." Beth and Jerry sort out their relationship.
What's new at school?
- Nothing.
- Nothing!
Oh, uh, one
of the lunch ladies died.
They found her in the gym with,
like, two holes in her neck
and all the blood drained
out of her.
Good lord! Who does
something like that?
Obviously a vampire.
W-W-Where's the pepper?
Wait, what?!
Vampires are real'?!
Yes, Summer, vampires
are real. Who knew?
Oh, right, all humanity,
for hundreds of years, now.
Yeah, Summer,
it's a big universe.
Get used to it.
R-Right, Rick?
Well, what are we
going to do?!
We're gonna live our lives
until we die.
Possibly by vampire.
More likely auto accident
or heart disease,
but possibly vampire.
Grandpa Rick, couldn't you,
like, use your superknowledge
to turn yourself into a teenager
and come to our school
and help us hunt
the vampire down?
Um -- Wow.
Yeah, pretty specific
pitch, Summer.
I probably could
turn myself into a teenager
and hang out in the
zit-covered, hormone-addled,
low-stakes assworld
that is high school.
But here's my reverse-ask --
Why in the fuck
would I ever do that, ever?
And how dare you even
ask me that?
And why aren't you more
ashamed of yourself?
- Dad!
- Be ashamed of yourself, sweetie.
Jerry! Do you know what you
just said to our daughter?
Sor-ry! I wasn't
paying attention.
To a conversation
about vampires?!
Clearly, I didn't know
it was about vampires,
because I wasn't
paying attention,
which you would know,
if you ever
paid attention to me!
Oh, here we go,
right to the victim role.
Am I a victim, Beth,
or am I married
to a mean, unfair monster
that always hurts me?!
Jesus Christ!
Will you fix your marriage...
or get a divorce already?
Well, we tried
a couples' therapist.
That's Earth therapy.
You might as well ask a horse
to fix a merry-go-round.
I mean, he'll try his best, but mostly,
he's just gonna get horrified.
I know about a place off-planet
with a 100% success rate.
Well, we want to make it
work, if we can.
It's just --
- Then it's settled.
No need to pack.
- Oh!
Let's go, go, go, go!
[ door opens, closes ]
Do you think Mom and Dad
are, you know,
gonna get a divorce?
I think it's okay
to dream, Morty.
I'm gonna go make
some wooden stakes.
♪♪
♪♪
I booked you for a two-day
intensive at Nuptia Four,
the galaxy's most successful
couples' counseling institute.
They could save
the marriage of a dog
and a bar of dark chocolate.
They could save
the marriage
of a porn star
and a porn star.
Well, I know I'm ready
to try whatever it takes.
Which clearly implies
that I'm not.
It's not
a competition, Beth.
Oh is that how
you're gonna try to win,
by implying I'm competitive?
- If the shoe fits.
- My shoe fits up your ass.
- You wish!
RICK: Okay, have fun.
See ya Thursday!
JERRY: Oh!
Jerk.
- Don't insult my father.
He's the reason our kids
are only half-stupid.
Ha! You just called
yourself --
Oh.
- Beth and Jerry Smith?
- Yes.
I'm Glaxo Slimslom.
Welcome to Nuptia Four.
Your marriage
can rest easy now.
Jerry, go ahead and sit
there and put this on.
This machine isolates
the part of the subject's brain
containing all perceptions
of its romantic partner.
And we will now render
Jerry's perception of Beth
with artificial
biological life.
- [growl ]
- GLAXO: Interesting.
What the hell is that?!
Take that back!
You do not think that
about me!
I didn't do anything!
They scanned it out of my brain.
Can I take it back?
There's nothing to regret.
We're dealing with
unconscious, unhealthy thoughts.
Beth.
Now, we scan for Beth's
perceptions of Jerry.
- Scan hard. He's dead to me.
- Everything's dead to you.
- What?
- Nothing.
[whimper]
Read it and weep, bitch.
[ Crying ] Does everybody
see what I mean?
I think we all see
what you both mean.
[ Bell rings]
Any leads
on the vampire?
No, Summer!
I mean, you know,
I think it might be time
that we just l-let it go.
Oh, so, now, you're
too cool for this,
just because
Grandpa Rick is?
It's not that, it's just
that the universe
is a little too big to care
about something so small.
Aah!
- What up, my Helsings?
Who wants to hunt
a vampire? Ha ha ha!
Rick?
How -- How did you --
Yeah, I got bored
and then, I remembered,
this morning, how I blew
Summer off, and I thought,
"Hey, why are you such
a grumpy douche, Rick?
Go to the garage,
transfer your mind
into a younger clone of
yourself,
and get embroiled
in some youthful hijinks.
What's the BFD?"
So here I am.
I'm Tiny Rick!
- O-O-Okay.
Well, it's good
you're here, Rick.
I was pretty sure we
didn't have what it takes
to deal with
a bloodsucker on our own.
Don't short-sell
yourself, Summer.
You got everything it takes.
But it'll still be fun...
to do this as a fucking team,
motherfucker. Tiny Rick!
Yeah! Oh, my god,
Toby Matthews!
Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick.
I'm new.
Hey oh -- Go easy on me.
Ha ha. Just kiddin'.
Hey, I like your
straightforward style
and that lab coat's
pretty cool.
Summer.
He knows my name!
Why wouldn't he?
You're great!
But, listen,
just be careful.
We can't rule anybody out
as the vampire,
not even the dreamboats.
Stop, Tiny Rick.
Huntin' a vampire
with my grandkids!
Fuck! Tiny Ri-i-ck!
GLAXO: The next step is
to watch your mythologues
interact together
and, uh -- big surprise --
It's never pretty.
- [ laughter]
Here we have Garrrh
and Zharbidar Gloompfschs,
or, should I say,
here we have the way
Garrrh and Zharbidar
perceive each other.
[roaring]
[chuckling ]
As we can all see,
this is hardly the real
Garrrh and Zharbidar.
Which is good,
because the relationship
in their heads
is not only ugly,
it's unsustainable.
[beep]
[ Roar]
[growling ]
You may already be
learning something important --
All of these relationships
are different,
none of them are real,
and none of them work.
We are not the monsters
we sometimes see each other as,
because we are real
and we are functional.
That's what makes us
better than them.
We can find solutions.
We can adapt.
We can communicate.
- [growl]
And, most importantly,
we can work together.
SUMMER: Well, it was a tough
adventure, but it paid off --
Our school is vampire-free!
Man, who would've
suspected Coach Feratu?
You did great, guys.
Couldn't have done it without ya.
You know, we -- w-we
should be proud of ourselves.
We killed a vampire
and a gym teacher.
Ha ha ha.
Talk about two-for-one, right?!
So, how, exactly,
is your old body living
in there, Grandpa Rick?
Oh, you know,
hyperbaric quantum fluid,
[ burp]... that kind of thing.
It preserves living tissue.
Not that there was much
to preserve.
Look at that mummy!
Ha! Ha ha!
And I guess it's time for me
to get back inside the old-timer.
Oh, my god.
Toby Matthews is asking...
if my parents
are still out of town
and if we can have a party!
All right, way to go, Summer!
What did I tell you?
Ohh! He's asking
if Tiny Rick will be here.
Well, you know what, Summer?
Tell him Tiny Rick will be here!
And tell him to bring
some brews!
For real? Y-Y-Y-You
would stay as Tiny Rick,
just so we
can have a party?
Hell, yeah!
What's one more night?
And who can have fun with this
old bastard hanging around, huh?
[ Iaughter ]
Wubby lubby doob doob!
- Whoo!
- Tiny Rick!
[growl ]
Moving on.
Now, we have Beth and Jerry Smith
from the planet E-Arth.
- My heart is pounding.
- This is gonna be great.
The E-Arth relationships
are simpler.
It's a primitive planet,
so their dysfunctions are oh --
W-Wait, what?
What's going on?
Where are the Smith
mythologues?
[suspenseful music plays]
JERRY: Oh, my god.
- [ shriek ]
- [ gasp ]
Aah! Aah!
- Oh, my god.
- Secure the cell!
Aaaah!
[slice]
Uh, hey! You know what's fun?
Our gift shop.
Why don't we proceed
in an orderly --
[growl ]
[whimpering]
Oh, dear god, no.
They're codependent!
Run!
[roaring]
Oh!
[ Crickets chirp ]
[chatting ]
[rock music plays]
[ laughter ]
Oh, yeah, yeah,
you really know how
to sport that color blue.
- Really?
- You're looking real good.
- Oh, my god.
- Hey, Morty.
- Oh, hey -- hey, Jessica.
So, is Tiny Rick your
brother or cousin, or...?
No, my grandpa just
transferred his consciousness
into a clone of himself
so he could be in our high school.
Cool.
Hey, Tiny Rick's
playing guitar.
All right, everybody.
This next one's coming
straight from the heart.
Making the lyrics up
right off the top of my head.
♪ Let me out ♪
♪ What you see is not
the same person as me ♪
♪ My life's a lie ♪
♪ I'm not who
you're looking at ♪
♪ Let me out, set me free ♪
♪ I'm really old;
this isn't me ♪
♪ My real body's
slowly dyin' in a vat ♪
♪ ls anybody listening' ♪
♪ Can anyone understand? ♪
♪ Stop lookin' at me like that
and actually help me ♪
♪ Help me! ♪
♪ Help me; I'm gonna die! ♪
Tiny Rick!
Thanks, everybody!
[ Cheering ]
This guy's amazing!
- I love Tiny Rick!
- Bad. Ass.
[ Hooting ]
- Yeah!
[ Snarl ]
[ Hiss]
[screaming in distance]
[ Rattle ]
Aah!
[ominous music plays]
[growl ]
Huh?
What the fuck?
Yeah, I know! What kind
of operation are you running?
Us?! What the hell kind of
relationship do you have?!
Oh, right,
blame this on us.
Okay, uh, I can and I am!
Your demonized mythologizations
of each other are cooperating.
- Isn't that good?
- No. No! It's bad!
You have the single worst
marriage I've ever witnessed.
It shouldn't exist!
You should never, ever, ever,
have gotten together
and I do not understand
how, or why,
you would ever stay
together.
Aaah!
Well, this is just
bad couples' therapy.
Totally.
[ Panting ]
[suspenseful music plays]
- Wait for us!
- There's only room for one more.
I'm a therapist.
I'll talk to them.
They're not therapists.
Go, go, go!
There's gotta be a way
to contact my dad.
Let's find a control room
or something.
[suspenseful music plays]
[ Creak ]
JERRY:
Beth! You'll want to see this.
- What is it?
- It's a small, hinged panel...
with a tiny amount
of space behind it.
If you can find one, too,
we should be safe for hours,
maybe days!
You stay put, Jerry.
I'll send help,
if I make it.
You don't want to find
your own little hatch?
Jerry, I believe that,
if you hide by yourself,
you might survive
and I believe I,
by myself, have a shot
of getting out of here,
but the two of us,
together?
I don't know.
Look, maybe the shrink
was right.
Good luck.
[ Roar]
All right, now,
you listen to me.
Oh! Or don't.
Hey! Don't! Please!
[hissing]
[whining]
Oh, god,
oh, god, Oh, god!
Now, I know I've said,
in the past,
that math is important --
And it is! --
But I also think that,
one day, you'll all look back
on being in high school
with Tiny Rick and Morty,
who I hear had a great
party last night.
So, class dismissed.
You've got the day off!
All right! Good work,
Mr. Goldenfold!
Yeah, get outside.
Read a book.
Put on some sunscreen,
Danielle!
Hey, what's up, Summer?
Ooh, nice top.
Thanks. Tiny Rick,
you think you might be
getting back into
your old body tonight?
No can do.
Tonight's the big dance.
And Marty's bringing Jessica.
He needs his tiny wing man.
- BOTH: Tiny Rick!
- [ laughs ]
Okay, but if not
tonight, when?
I don't know.
When I feel like it?
Damn, girl!
You need to chill out!
This whole thing was your
idea, in the first place,
and, now, you're trying
to rush it along.
Yeah, and you know what?
I like high school.
I like hanging out.
Tiny Rick!
But what if the you
that likes it isn't you?
[ Iaughter]
~ Oh!
BOTH:
Oh, Summer!
It's just Rick
in a younger body.
What's the -- What's --
What's -- What's --
What's the --
What's the problem?
Look at his art, Morty.
I've got an emo streak.
Part of what makes me so rad.
Why does it say "help me
Morty and Summer!"?
Come on, Summer,
that's the title of the art.
Why was Knight Rider
called Knight Rider?
The car's name was Kitt.
Nobody rode Michael Knight.
You're overthinking it, Summer.
I'm Tiny Rick!
Grandpa, I think that,
when you put your mind
into this body's
young brain,
it did what
young brains do --
It shoved the bad
thoughts into the back
and put a wall
around them.
But those bad thoughts
are the real Rick.
The fact that you're old,
the fact that we're all
going to die one day,
the fact that the universe
is so big,
nothing in it matters --
those facts are who you are.
So you're trapped in there
and you can only come out
in the form of
Tiny Rick's teen angst!
Well, Summer, I hear
Toby Matthews
isn't into psycho chicks.
Can't think of anyone
that is.
I'll see you motherfuckers
at the dance! Tiny Rick!
Morty, you have
to help me!
Summer, he's happy!
I'm happy!
I-l-ls that why
you're doing this,
you don't want me
and Rick to be happy?
- No.
- Then get your shit together!
Get it all together
and put it in a backpack.
All your shit,
so it's together.
And if you gotta
take it somewhere,
take it somewhere,
you know?
Take it to the shit store
and sell it
o-or put it in a shit museum.
I don't care what you do!
You just gotta
get it together.
Get your shit together.
[slug wailing]
[ Gasping ]
Get back!
[ Fart]
- Wait, for real?
[whimpers]
You're how Beth sees me?
Oh, my god.
Turn around!
I said turn around!
How can Beth have
these thoughts about me?!
That judgmental
monster bitch!
I'm not taking this.
I want to know
where my wife is.
You are going to
help me.
No!
Nobody's doing that!
[growling ]
Stay.
- What do you want?
- Jerrys.
You want Jerry?
I don't even want Jerry.
I want Jerrys.
[whimpering]
An army.
[ Iaughs]
An army of Jerrys.
The value of his subservience
is wasted on you.
I will use it to dominate
the universe.
Ah ha ha. Boy, Jerry must
think I'm pretty stupid,
for you
to be this stupid.
Wouldn't it make more sense
to put my dumbass husband
in this chair,
so you can make an army
of your badass self?
[ Iaughs ]
There could never be more
than one of me.
I'm the strongest,
smartest being alive
because Jerry thinks
you're that much stronger
and smarter than you are!
Okay, ouch.
♪♪
Oh, hey h-hey-y!
Morty, Jessica, what's up?
Check out the new dance
I made up.
It's called "Ooh let me out!"
♪ Let me out,
Let me out ♪
♪ This is not a dance ♪
♪ I'm beggin' for help,
I'm screamin' for help ♪
♪ Please come let me out ♪
♪ Let me out,
Let me out ♪
♪ This is not a dance ♪
♪ I'm beggin' for help,
I'm screamin' for help ♪
♪ Please come let me out ♪
♪ I'm dyin' in a vat
in the gara-a-ge ♪
[ cheering ]
- Awesome!
Okay, that last part
was really weird.
Maybe Summer's
on to something here.
I don't know.
It was fun.
You want to slow dance?
Tiny Rick, hey,
great dancing as usual.
Moment of your time?
Tiny Rick,
this conversation
is gonna break
my heart wide open.
You're a great student
and the fact that
you're an 80-Year-Old man
in a clone body,
it never bothered me.
But this here
is another matter.
You recognize this?
We got a tip
it was in your locker.
Yeah, now, because
the gym coach was a vampire,
the school board
is embarrassed
and won't take it public,
However,
they can't have students
killin' teachers.
I gotta expel you
for this one, TR.
I'm sorry.
I just got expelled,
Summer!
Oh! So I guess there's
no need to stay young.
My top!
- Screw your top!
You ratted on me?!
I'm Tiny Rick!
Fine! Yes!
Because I love you...
and I'm trying
to save your life!
High school is my life!
Summer Smith is
a fucking psycho nerd
and she just got me
kicked out of school!
ALL: [gasp ]
[thud]
Boo!
Summer,
I thought you were cool!
I'm sorry, okay?
How can you be
such a bitch?
Oh, my god, Morty.
Your sister
crossed Tiny Rick?
Talk about
self-destructive.
Yeah.
JERRY:
Hey, Jerry-Lover!
How about a taste
of the real thing?
- [ roar ]
- Jerry!
Ah. Ah. Ah.
Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah.
Not on my watch.
That's it!
Beth, it's me,
your husband!
I'm here to save you.
Or my name
isn't Jerry Smith!
- Aha!
- Yes!
Jerry Smith!
- Yeah, here.
- Aha!
Okay, fair enough.
[ominous music plays]
[ Door creaks open ]
Say goodnight, old man.
[gasp]
What the hell are you doing?!
- Put it down!
Summer, you bitch!
Don't talk to her that way!
She's your granddaughter!
I don't need a granddaughter!
I'm Tiny Ri-i-ck!
She's my sister!
And if Tiny Rick is
gonna be an asshole
to my sister, then,
you know, y-y-you
may as well be old again.
You think you're tough,
huh, Morty?
What are you gonna do?
I'm Tiny Rick.
I'm the coolest kid
in your school.
How are you gonna just make me
do whatever you say, huh?
I'm gonna do what real Rick
would do if he was here --
I'm gonna kick your ass!
Ohhhh!
[grunting ]
Rick, I know
you're in there!
I know you're trying
to get out!
That's it, Morty!
Hold him down!
[ Ballad ]
♪ Drink up, baby ♪
I Stay up all night I
Listen to it, Tiny Rick.
Listen to Elliott Smith.
Ugh! No!
Feel what he's feeling.
Ugh! Noooooooo! God!
♪ That you'll never see ♪
Oh, god, what is life?
How can someone so talented
die so young'?
What is being young?
I'm not young. I'm old.
I'm -- I'm gonna die.
My body isn't real.
Morty! Summer!
It's me!
It's Rick! Regular Rick!
Rick! How do we get you
back into your body?
Okay, listen carefully.
There's a set of diodes
on the vat's control panel,
a blue one and a red one.
Oh, god, what kind of world is this?
I didn't ask to be born.
I need you to connect
the blue one to my left temple
and the red one to --
Why doesn't anyone really like me?
- Focus, Grandpa!
- Just put the stupid wires on my head!
I hate being a teenager!
Ugh! Arrgghh!
Ah! Uhhhhh!
Jerry,
you can't bend metal.
Then make a me that can!
- How can I do that...
while I'm watching you
totally fail to bend metal?
Good Old Beth!
The mind of a robot
and the heart of an insect!
Don't talk that way
about her!
What?
Oh, it hurts!
Oh, god.
Stop.
This representation
displeases me.
Aaah!
Good lord.
How did you...?
Well, I had a feeling
that, in your mind,
the ideal version of me
is one smart enough
to see you as...
a goddess.
Not such a stupid worm
now, are you?
Honey, when it comes
to the subject of your ego,
I'm Stephen fucking
Hawkinson.
Ugh, it's --
Never mind.
I love you.
[ Processing,
powering up]
[ buzz ]
- Rick!
- Pants!
Holy shit!
Thanks, kids.
You figured it out.
Well, Summer did.
Kind of weird that
you were that willing
to sell my existence out
for some trim, Morty.
- What?!
- Pants!
But listen -- I forgive you both
because you know what?
I learned, today,
something important --
The teenage mind
is its own worst enemy.
Oh, I also learned this...
[ beeping ]
Operation Phoenix is not
the fallback I thought it would be.
I guess it's back
to the drawing board.
Oh, my god!
- Oh, my god.
- Put some pants on!
Put pants on.
Grandpa's back, baby!
Grandpa's --
[buzz]
Oh, man, I gotta pick up
your parents.
They have been
blowin' me up.
One last swing for the road!
Aaaaaaaaaaah!
For the love of god,
get dressed!
So, what do you think?
You wanna...
keep this marriage
going a while longer?
At least until Morty has
graduated high school.
Oh. Mm.
[moaning lightly]
Aha, you see?
What did I tell you two?
It worked.
You know what, Rick?
I guess, in a way --
Already lost interest.
Get in the car.
I've been inside a kid
all day and, now,
I can feel my bones
scraping each other.
Uh, just so you're prepared,
there's a bunch of dead mes
in the garage.
Huh! Sounds like our stories
were connected by a theme.
- [ Iaughter]
- Not really, Jerry.
Probably a cosmetic connection
your mind mistakes for thematic.
Oh.
Old Rick!
Ruinin' everything!
♪♪
[ squeaking ]
[ominous music plays]
- Master.
- Speak.
Coach Feratu's presence was
discovered by the humans.
He has been destroyed.
- No bother.
The mortals shall soon --
I'm sorry, what did you
say his name was?
- Coach Feratu.
- Coach Feratu.
That was his real name,
like his actual vampire name?
No no no no. His vampire
name was Balik Alistane.
Why the fuck
would he name himself
after a famous vampire movie?
Was he doing a bit?
I do not know,
your unholiness.
Jesus fucking Christ.
From now on, no more of
this clever-name bullshit.
When a vampire is pretending
to be a human,
they can just
call themselves
Alan Jefferson
or something like that.
It's crazy, right?
I mean, am I being
an asshole?
Okay, I feel like
everybody in the room
is looking at me like
I'm the buzzkill.
I'm not?
Good. Okay. Great.
[ hiss ]
[screaming ]
Did you get any of that?
It's-a good-a show!
- Nothing.
- Nothing!
Oh, uh, one
of the lunch ladies died.
They found her in the gym with,
like, two holes in her neck
and all the blood drained
out of her.
Good lord! Who does
something like that?
Obviously a vampire.
W-W-Where's the pepper?
Wait, what?!
Vampires are real'?!
Yes, Summer, vampires
are real. Who knew?
Oh, right, all humanity,
for hundreds of years, now.
Yeah, Summer,
it's a big universe.
Get used to it.
R-Right, Rick?
Well, what are we
going to do?!
We're gonna live our lives
until we die.
Possibly by vampire.
More likely auto accident
or heart disease,
but possibly vampire.
Grandpa Rick, couldn't you,
like, use your superknowledge
to turn yourself into a teenager
and come to our school
and help us hunt
the vampire down?
Um -- Wow.
Yeah, pretty specific
pitch, Summer.
I probably could
turn myself into a teenager
and hang out in the
zit-covered, hormone-addled,
low-stakes assworld
that is high school.
But here's my reverse-ask --
Why in the fuck
would I ever do that, ever?
And how dare you even
ask me that?
And why aren't you more
ashamed of yourself?
- Dad!
- Be ashamed of yourself, sweetie.
Jerry! Do you know what you
just said to our daughter?
Sor-ry! I wasn't
paying attention.
To a conversation
about vampires?!
Clearly, I didn't know
it was about vampires,
because I wasn't
paying attention,
which you would know,
if you ever
paid attention to me!
Oh, here we go,
right to the victim role.
Am I a victim, Beth,
or am I married
to a mean, unfair monster
that always hurts me?!
Jesus Christ!
Will you fix your marriage...
or get a divorce already?
Well, we tried
a couples' therapist.
That's Earth therapy.
You might as well ask a horse
to fix a merry-go-round.
I mean, he'll try his best, but mostly,
he's just gonna get horrified.
I know about a place off-planet
with a 100% success rate.
Well, we want to make it
work, if we can.
It's just --
- Then it's settled.
No need to pack.
- Oh!
Let's go, go, go, go!
[ door opens, closes ]
Do you think Mom and Dad
are, you know,
gonna get a divorce?
I think it's okay
to dream, Morty.
I'm gonna go make
some wooden stakes.
♪♪
♪♪
I booked you for a two-day
intensive at Nuptia Four,
the galaxy's most successful
couples' counseling institute.
They could save
the marriage of a dog
and a bar of dark chocolate.
They could save
the marriage
of a porn star
and a porn star.
Well, I know I'm ready
to try whatever it takes.
Which clearly implies
that I'm not.
It's not
a competition, Beth.
Oh is that how
you're gonna try to win,
by implying I'm competitive?
- If the shoe fits.
- My shoe fits up your ass.
- You wish!
RICK: Okay, have fun.
See ya Thursday!
JERRY: Oh!
Jerk.
- Don't insult my father.
He's the reason our kids
are only half-stupid.
Ha! You just called
yourself --
Oh.
- Beth and Jerry Smith?
- Yes.
I'm Glaxo Slimslom.
Welcome to Nuptia Four.
Your marriage
can rest easy now.
Jerry, go ahead and sit
there and put this on.
This machine isolates
the part of the subject's brain
containing all perceptions
of its romantic partner.
And we will now render
Jerry's perception of Beth
with artificial
biological life.
- [growl ]
- GLAXO: Interesting.
What the hell is that?!
Take that back!
You do not think that
about me!
I didn't do anything!
They scanned it out of my brain.
Can I take it back?
There's nothing to regret.
We're dealing with
unconscious, unhealthy thoughts.
Beth.
Now, we scan for Beth's
perceptions of Jerry.
- Scan hard. He's dead to me.
- Everything's dead to you.
- What?
- Nothing.
[whimper]
Read it and weep, bitch.
[ Crying ] Does everybody
see what I mean?
I think we all see
what you both mean.
[ Bell rings]
Any leads
on the vampire?
No, Summer!
I mean, you know,
I think it might be time
that we just l-let it go.
Oh, so, now, you're
too cool for this,
just because
Grandpa Rick is?
It's not that, it's just
that the universe
is a little too big to care
about something so small.
Aah!
- What up, my Helsings?
Who wants to hunt
a vampire? Ha ha ha!
Rick?
How -- How did you --
Yeah, I got bored
and then, I remembered,
this morning, how I blew
Summer off, and I thought,
"Hey, why are you such
a grumpy douche, Rick?
Go to the garage,
transfer your mind
into a younger clone of
yourself,
and get embroiled
in some youthful hijinks.
What's the BFD?"
So here I am.
I'm Tiny Rick!
- O-O-Okay.
Well, it's good
you're here, Rick.
I was pretty sure we
didn't have what it takes
to deal with
a bloodsucker on our own.
Don't short-sell
yourself, Summer.
You got everything it takes.
But it'll still be fun...
to do this as a fucking team,
motherfucker. Tiny Rick!
Yeah! Oh, my god,
Toby Matthews!
Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick.
I'm new.
Hey oh -- Go easy on me.
Ha ha. Just kiddin'.
Hey, I like your
straightforward style
and that lab coat's
pretty cool.
Summer.
He knows my name!
Why wouldn't he?
You're great!
But, listen,
just be careful.
We can't rule anybody out
as the vampire,
not even the dreamboats.
Stop, Tiny Rick.
Huntin' a vampire
with my grandkids!
Fuck! Tiny Ri-i-ck!
GLAXO: The next step is
to watch your mythologues
interact together
and, uh -- big surprise --
It's never pretty.
- [ laughter]
Here we have Garrrh
and Zharbidar Gloompfschs,
or, should I say,
here we have the way
Garrrh and Zharbidar
perceive each other.
[roaring]
[chuckling ]
As we can all see,
this is hardly the real
Garrrh and Zharbidar.
Which is good,
because the relationship
in their heads
is not only ugly,
it's unsustainable.
[beep]
[ Roar]
[growling ]
You may already be
learning something important --
All of these relationships
are different,
none of them are real,
and none of them work.
We are not the monsters
we sometimes see each other as,
because we are real
and we are functional.
That's what makes us
better than them.
We can find solutions.
We can adapt.
We can communicate.
- [growl]
And, most importantly,
we can work together.
SUMMER: Well, it was a tough
adventure, but it paid off --
Our school is vampire-free!
Man, who would've
suspected Coach Feratu?
You did great, guys.
Couldn't have done it without ya.
You know, we -- w-we
should be proud of ourselves.
We killed a vampire
and a gym teacher.
Ha ha ha.
Talk about two-for-one, right?!
So, how, exactly,
is your old body living
in there, Grandpa Rick?
Oh, you know,
hyperbaric quantum fluid,
[ burp]... that kind of thing.
It preserves living tissue.
Not that there was much
to preserve.
Look at that mummy!
Ha! Ha ha!
And I guess it's time for me
to get back inside the old-timer.
Oh, my god.
Toby Matthews is asking...
if my parents
are still out of town
and if we can have a party!
All right, way to go, Summer!
What did I tell you?
Ohh! He's asking
if Tiny Rick will be here.
Well, you know what, Summer?
Tell him Tiny Rick will be here!
And tell him to bring
some brews!
For real? Y-Y-Y-You
would stay as Tiny Rick,
just so we
can have a party?
Hell, yeah!
What's one more night?
And who can have fun with this
old bastard hanging around, huh?
[ Iaughter ]
Wubby lubby doob doob!
- Whoo!
- Tiny Rick!
[growl ]
Moving on.
Now, we have Beth and Jerry Smith
from the planet E-Arth.
- My heart is pounding.
- This is gonna be great.
The E-Arth relationships
are simpler.
It's a primitive planet,
so their dysfunctions are oh --
W-Wait, what?
What's going on?
Where are the Smith
mythologues?
[suspenseful music plays]
JERRY: Oh, my god.
- [ shriek ]
- [ gasp ]
Aah! Aah!
- Oh, my god.
- Secure the cell!
Aaaah!
[slice]
Uh, hey! You know what's fun?
Our gift shop.
Why don't we proceed
in an orderly --
[growl ]
[whimpering]
Oh, dear god, no.
They're codependent!
Run!
[roaring]
Oh!
[ Crickets chirp ]
[chatting ]
[rock music plays]
[ laughter ]
Oh, yeah, yeah,
you really know how
to sport that color blue.
- Really?
- You're looking real good.
- Oh, my god.
- Hey, Morty.
- Oh, hey -- hey, Jessica.
So, is Tiny Rick your
brother or cousin, or...?
No, my grandpa just
transferred his consciousness
into a clone of himself
so he could be in our high school.
Cool.
Hey, Tiny Rick's
playing guitar.
All right, everybody.
This next one's coming
straight from the heart.
Making the lyrics up
right off the top of my head.
♪ Let me out ♪
♪ What you see is not
the same person as me ♪
♪ My life's a lie ♪
♪ I'm not who
you're looking at ♪
♪ Let me out, set me free ♪
♪ I'm really old;
this isn't me ♪
♪ My real body's
slowly dyin' in a vat ♪
♪ ls anybody listening' ♪
♪ Can anyone understand? ♪
♪ Stop lookin' at me like that
and actually help me ♪
♪ Help me! ♪
♪ Help me; I'm gonna die! ♪
Tiny Rick!
Thanks, everybody!
[ Cheering ]
This guy's amazing!
- I love Tiny Rick!
- Bad. Ass.
[ Hooting ]
- Yeah!
[ Snarl ]
[ Hiss]
[screaming in distance]
[ Rattle ]
Aah!
[ominous music plays]
[growl ]
Huh?
What the fuck?
Yeah, I know! What kind
of operation are you running?
Us?! What the hell kind of
relationship do you have?!
Oh, right,
blame this on us.
Okay, uh, I can and I am!
Your demonized mythologizations
of each other are cooperating.
- Isn't that good?
- No. No! It's bad!
You have the single worst
marriage I've ever witnessed.
It shouldn't exist!
You should never, ever, ever,
have gotten together
and I do not understand
how, or why,
you would ever stay
together.
Aaah!
Well, this is just
bad couples' therapy.
Totally.
[ Panting ]
[suspenseful music plays]
- Wait for us!
- There's only room for one more.
I'm a therapist.
I'll talk to them.
They're not therapists.
Go, go, go!
There's gotta be a way
to contact my dad.
Let's find a control room
or something.
[suspenseful music plays]
[ Creak ]
JERRY:
Beth! You'll want to see this.
- What is it?
- It's a small, hinged panel...
with a tiny amount
of space behind it.
If you can find one, too,
we should be safe for hours,
maybe days!
You stay put, Jerry.
I'll send help,
if I make it.
You don't want to find
your own little hatch?
Jerry, I believe that,
if you hide by yourself,
you might survive
and I believe I,
by myself, have a shot
of getting out of here,
but the two of us,
together?
I don't know.
Look, maybe the shrink
was right.
Good luck.
[ Roar]
All right, now,
you listen to me.
Oh! Or don't.
Hey! Don't! Please!
[hissing]
[whining]
Oh, god,
oh, god, Oh, god!
Now, I know I've said,
in the past,
that math is important --
And it is! --
But I also think that,
one day, you'll all look back
on being in high school
with Tiny Rick and Morty,
who I hear had a great
party last night.
So, class dismissed.
You've got the day off!
All right! Good work,
Mr. Goldenfold!
Yeah, get outside.
Read a book.
Put on some sunscreen,
Danielle!
Hey, what's up, Summer?
Ooh, nice top.
Thanks. Tiny Rick,
you think you might be
getting back into
your old body tonight?
No can do.
Tonight's the big dance.
And Marty's bringing Jessica.
He needs his tiny wing man.
- BOTH: Tiny Rick!
- [ laughs ]
Okay, but if not
tonight, when?
I don't know.
When I feel like it?
Damn, girl!
You need to chill out!
This whole thing was your
idea, in the first place,
and, now, you're trying
to rush it along.
Yeah, and you know what?
I like high school.
I like hanging out.
Tiny Rick!
But what if the you
that likes it isn't you?
[ Iaughter]
~ Oh!
BOTH:
Oh, Summer!
It's just Rick
in a younger body.
What's the -- What's --
What's -- What's --
What's the --
What's the problem?
Look at his art, Morty.
I've got an emo streak.
Part of what makes me so rad.
Why does it say "help me
Morty and Summer!"?
Come on, Summer,
that's the title of the art.
Why was Knight Rider
called Knight Rider?
The car's name was Kitt.
Nobody rode Michael Knight.
You're overthinking it, Summer.
I'm Tiny Rick!
Grandpa, I think that,
when you put your mind
into this body's
young brain,
it did what
young brains do --
It shoved the bad
thoughts into the back
and put a wall
around them.
But those bad thoughts
are the real Rick.
The fact that you're old,
the fact that we're all
going to die one day,
the fact that the universe
is so big,
nothing in it matters --
those facts are who you are.
So you're trapped in there
and you can only come out
in the form of
Tiny Rick's teen angst!
Well, Summer, I hear
Toby Matthews
isn't into psycho chicks.
Can't think of anyone
that is.
I'll see you motherfuckers
at the dance! Tiny Rick!
Morty, you have
to help me!
Summer, he's happy!
I'm happy!
I-l-ls that why
you're doing this,
you don't want me
and Rick to be happy?
- No.
- Then get your shit together!
Get it all together
and put it in a backpack.
All your shit,
so it's together.
And if you gotta
take it somewhere,
take it somewhere,
you know?
Take it to the shit store
and sell it
o-or put it in a shit museum.
I don't care what you do!
You just gotta
get it together.
Get your shit together.
[slug wailing]
[ Gasping ]
Get back!
[ Fart]
- Wait, for real?
[whimpers]
You're how Beth sees me?
Oh, my god.
Turn around!
I said turn around!
How can Beth have
these thoughts about me?!
That judgmental
monster bitch!
I'm not taking this.
I want to know
where my wife is.
You are going to
help me.
No!
Nobody's doing that!
[growling ]
Stay.
- What do you want?
- Jerrys.
You want Jerry?
I don't even want Jerry.
I want Jerrys.
[whimpering]
An army.
[ Iaughs]
An army of Jerrys.
The value of his subservience
is wasted on you.
I will use it to dominate
the universe.
Ah ha ha. Boy, Jerry must
think I'm pretty stupid,
for you
to be this stupid.
Wouldn't it make more sense
to put my dumbass husband
in this chair,
so you can make an army
of your badass self?
[ Iaughs ]
There could never be more
than one of me.
I'm the strongest,
smartest being alive
because Jerry thinks
you're that much stronger
and smarter than you are!
Okay, ouch.
♪♪
Oh, hey h-hey-y!
Morty, Jessica, what's up?
Check out the new dance
I made up.
It's called "Ooh let me out!"
♪ Let me out,
Let me out ♪
♪ This is not a dance ♪
♪ I'm beggin' for help,
I'm screamin' for help ♪
♪ Please come let me out ♪
♪ Let me out,
Let me out ♪
♪ This is not a dance ♪
♪ I'm beggin' for help,
I'm screamin' for help ♪
♪ Please come let me out ♪
♪ I'm dyin' in a vat
in the gara-a-ge ♪
[ cheering ]
- Awesome!
Okay, that last part
was really weird.
Maybe Summer's
on to something here.
I don't know.
It was fun.
You want to slow dance?
Tiny Rick, hey,
great dancing as usual.
Moment of your time?
Tiny Rick,
this conversation
is gonna break
my heart wide open.
You're a great student
and the fact that
you're an 80-Year-Old man
in a clone body,
it never bothered me.
But this here
is another matter.
You recognize this?
We got a tip
it was in your locker.
Yeah, now, because
the gym coach was a vampire,
the school board
is embarrassed
and won't take it public,
However,
they can't have students
killin' teachers.
I gotta expel you
for this one, TR.
I'm sorry.
I just got expelled,
Summer!
Oh! So I guess there's
no need to stay young.
My top!
- Screw your top!
You ratted on me?!
I'm Tiny Rick!
Fine! Yes!
Because I love you...
and I'm trying
to save your life!
High school is my life!
Summer Smith is
a fucking psycho nerd
and she just got me
kicked out of school!
ALL: [gasp ]
[thud]
Boo!
Summer,
I thought you were cool!
I'm sorry, okay?
How can you be
such a bitch?
Oh, my god, Morty.
Your sister
crossed Tiny Rick?
Talk about
self-destructive.
Yeah.
JERRY:
Hey, Jerry-Lover!
How about a taste
of the real thing?
- [ roar ]
- Jerry!
Ah. Ah. Ah.
Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah.
Not on my watch.
That's it!
Beth, it's me,
your husband!
I'm here to save you.
Or my name
isn't Jerry Smith!
- Aha!
- Yes!
Jerry Smith!
- Yeah, here.
- Aha!
Okay, fair enough.
[ominous music plays]
[ Door creaks open ]
Say goodnight, old man.
[gasp]
What the hell are you doing?!
- Put it down!
Summer, you bitch!
Don't talk to her that way!
She's your granddaughter!
I don't need a granddaughter!
I'm Tiny Ri-i-ck!
She's my sister!
And if Tiny Rick is
gonna be an asshole
to my sister, then,
you know, y-y-you
may as well be old again.
You think you're tough,
huh, Morty?
What are you gonna do?
I'm Tiny Rick.
I'm the coolest kid
in your school.
How are you gonna just make me
do whatever you say, huh?
I'm gonna do what real Rick
would do if he was here --
I'm gonna kick your ass!
Ohhhh!
[grunting ]
Rick, I know
you're in there!
I know you're trying
to get out!
That's it, Morty!
Hold him down!
[ Ballad ]
♪ Drink up, baby ♪
I Stay up all night I
Listen to it, Tiny Rick.
Listen to Elliott Smith.
Ugh! No!
Feel what he's feeling.
Ugh! Noooooooo! God!
♪ That you'll never see ♪
Oh, god, what is life?
How can someone so talented
die so young'?
What is being young?
I'm not young. I'm old.
I'm -- I'm gonna die.
My body isn't real.
Morty! Summer!
It's me!
It's Rick! Regular Rick!
Rick! How do we get you
back into your body?
Okay, listen carefully.
There's a set of diodes
on the vat's control panel,
a blue one and a red one.
Oh, god, what kind of world is this?
I didn't ask to be born.
I need you to connect
the blue one to my left temple
and the red one to --
Why doesn't anyone really like me?
- Focus, Grandpa!
- Just put the stupid wires on my head!
I hate being a teenager!
Ugh! Arrgghh!
Ah! Uhhhhh!
Jerry,
you can't bend metal.
Then make a me that can!
- How can I do that...
while I'm watching you
totally fail to bend metal?
Good Old Beth!
The mind of a robot
and the heart of an insect!
Don't talk that way
about her!
What?
Oh, it hurts!
Oh, god.
Stop.
This representation
displeases me.
Aaah!
Good lord.
How did you...?
Well, I had a feeling
that, in your mind,
the ideal version of me
is one smart enough
to see you as...
a goddess.
Not such a stupid worm
now, are you?
Honey, when it comes
to the subject of your ego,
I'm Stephen fucking
Hawkinson.
Ugh, it's --
Never mind.
I love you.
[ Processing,
powering up]
[ buzz ]
- Rick!
- Pants!
Holy shit!
Thanks, kids.
You figured it out.
Well, Summer did.
Kind of weird that
you were that willing
to sell my existence out
for some trim, Morty.
- What?!
- Pants!
But listen -- I forgive you both
because you know what?
I learned, today,
something important --
The teenage mind
is its own worst enemy.
Oh, I also learned this...
[ beeping ]
Operation Phoenix is not
the fallback I thought it would be.
I guess it's back
to the drawing board.
Oh, my god!
- Oh, my god.
- Put some pants on!
Put pants on.
Grandpa's back, baby!
Grandpa's --
[buzz]
Oh, man, I gotta pick up
your parents.
They have been
blowin' me up.
One last swing for the road!
Aaaaaaaaaaah!
For the love of god,
get dressed!
So, what do you think?
You wanna...
keep this marriage
going a while longer?
At least until Morty has
graduated high school.
Oh. Mm.
[moaning lightly]
Aha, you see?
What did I tell you two?
It worked.
You know what, Rick?
I guess, in a way --
Already lost interest.
Get in the car.
I've been inside a kid
all day and, now,
I can feel my bones
scraping each other.
Uh, just so you're prepared,
there's a bunch of dead mes
in the garage.
Huh! Sounds like our stories
were connected by a theme.
- [ Iaughter]
- Not really, Jerry.
Probably a cosmetic connection
your mind mistakes for thematic.
Oh.
Old Rick!
Ruinin' everything!
♪♪
[ squeaking ]
[ominous music plays]
- Master.
- Speak.
Coach Feratu's presence was
discovered by the humans.
He has been destroyed.
- No bother.
The mortals shall soon --
I'm sorry, what did you
say his name was?
- Coach Feratu.
- Coach Feratu.
That was his real name,
like his actual vampire name?
No no no no. His vampire
name was Balik Alistane.
Why the fuck
would he name himself
after a famous vampire movie?
Was he doing a bit?
I do not know,
your unholiness.
Jesus fucking Christ.
From now on, no more of
this clever-name bullshit.
When a vampire is pretending
to be a human,
they can just
call themselves
Alan Jefferson
or something like that.
It's crazy, right?
I mean, am I being
an asshole?
Okay, I feel like
everybody in the room
is looking at me like
I'm the buzzkill.
I'm not?
Good. Okay. Great.
[ hiss ]
[screaming ]
Did you get any of that?
It's-a good-a show!