Rick and Morty (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - The Ricks Must Be Crazy - full transcript
Rick is having trouble with his car and they have to fix it by traveling to the microverse.
Geez, I can't believe we found
a version of Earth
with a "Ball Fondlers"
movie franchise.
I can't believe the things
this reality considers PG-13.
- Yeah, l-l'm pretty jealous.
- Don't be, Morty.
There's pros and cons
to every alternate timeline.
Fun facts
about this one --
It's got giant,
telepathic spiders,
11 9/11s,
and the best ice cream
in the multiverse!
- Shut up!
- Whoa!
We're gonna go get
some ice cream, motherfucker!
[engine sputters]
Oh, great.
Oh, boy.
W-What's wrong, Rick?
Is it the quantum carburetor
or something?
"Quantum carburetor"?
Jesus, Morty.
You can't just add
a s[burps]-- sci-fi word
to a car word
and hope it means something.
Looks like somethings wrong
with the microverse battery.
We're gonna have
to go inside.
Um, go inside what?
The battery, Morty.
Be right back, Summer.
Stay put,
don't touch any buttons,
and ignore all random thoughts
that feel... spidery.
Wait!
You can't leave me here!
You'll be fine.
Ship,
keep Summer safe.
FEMALE VOICE: [warbles]
Keep Summer safe.
MORTY:
Ohh!
Ugh.
Wonderful.
Hey, excuse me.
Hello.
Um...
[cellphone clicking]
What, you think
you're better than me?!
Nobody's better
than me!
Hey!
Hey!
Aah!
Aaaaah!
- Keep Summer safe.
- Aaaaaaah!
Hey, man,
what the hell?!
That was my daughter's
pediatrician! Aah!
No, stop!
Don't kill him!
[ Beep ]
Confirmed.
[grunts]
Aah!
[groans]
Oh, god.
I can't feel my legs.
Help!
Help!!
Summer is safe.
I don't feel safe.
[ sobs ]
Confirmed.
[ light jazz music plays]
[sobbing] No.
[sniffles]
Oh, god, help me.
Help me!
[sobbing] Help me, please!
You can help me!
PI'
Oh, man.
Where are we, Rick?
Morty, remember eight
seconds ago when -- you said,
"go inside what?"
And I said, "the battery"?
Then we showed up here,
and I wasn't like,
"Whoa, this is unexpected.
This is not what I was
expecting, Morty.
What a perplexing mystery
this is."
All right, all right,
we're inside the battery.
I get it. You don't have
to bust my balls.
Huh, this isn't right.
This pipe's supposed to be...
sending 20 terawatts of
juice up to the engine, Morty.
[computer beeps]
Instead we've got... zero?
Now what
are these people doing?
- W-W-W-Whoa, people?
- [ groans ]
It's time for some
hands-on engine repair.
All right, Morty,
hold on to something.
Whoa!
Holy crap!
I thought we were
inside your car battery, Rick.
T-T-This is like a whole
p-planet or something.
Thanks, Morty. I'm pretty
proud of this bad boy.
Check it out.
[ keypad beeps ]
I put a spatially
tessellated void
inside a modified
temporal field
until a planet developed
intelligent life.
I then introduced that life
to the wonders of electricity,
which they now generate
on a global scale.
And, you know, some of it goes
to power my engine
and charge my phone
and stuff.
You have a whole planet
making your power for you?
That's slavery.
- It's society.
They work for each other,
Morty.
They pay each other.
They buy houses.
They get married and make
children that replace them
when they get
too old to make power.
That just sounds like slavery
with extra steps.
Ooh la la, someone's
gonna get laid in college.
ANCHOR: It appears we are
being revisited
by the alien known as Rick,
who once gave our world
the gift
of gooble box technology,
which, when stomped on,
generates electricity,
powering our homes
and businesses,
improving our daily lives,
while safely removing
the dangerous waste power
to a special disposal volcano.
But why has Rick returned?
And what will he say
when he hears the big news?
Let's find out.
You need to tell these people
they're in a battery, Rick.
It's messed up.
There's caterers down there.
Th-Th-They're setting up
chafing dishes.
Would you relax, Morty?
There's nothing dishonest
about what we're doing.
Now slap on these antennae.
They need to think we're aliens.
- What? Why'?
- Sh-- Obviously [burps] --
You really [burps] know
nothing about car repair.
[fanfare plays ]
Wait for the ramp,
Morty.
They love
the slow ramp.
Really gets their dicks hard
when they see this ramp
just slowly
extending down.
[ Cheering ]
Greetings!
[ Creatures chanting,
"Rick! Rick!" ]
Morty, you gotta
flip them off.
I told them it means
"peace among worlds."
How hilarious is that?
[creatures cheering wildly]
RICK: Coming through.
Two real aliens walking
through here.
Rick,
our alien friend.
Uh, Mr. President,
um, couldn't help but notice
that you were having problems
generating power.
That's correct. [chuckles]
We've evolved.
Our most brilliant scientist,
Zeep Xanflorp,
has developed
a source of energy
that makes gooble boxes
obsolete.
[ Straining ]
I would love to see it.
- Fuck You.
- What did you say to me?!
"Fuck You."
Y-You told me
it means "much obliged."
Oh. Right.
Uh, b-blow me.
No, no, no.
Blow me.
Zeep, you have an honored guest
from beyond the stars.
I said 12 quantum stabilizers,
not 11.
Fix it
or it's your ass.
Chris, I'm in the middle
of something.
Zeep, this is Rick --
The Alien.
Rick The Alien.
Rick
The Alien...
Really?
You're gonna pull that move?
I guided
your entire civilization.
Your people have
a holiday named Ricksgiving.
They teach kids
about me in school.
I dropped out of school.
It's not for smart people.
Ohhhh, snap!
Listen to me,
you arrogant little --
[chuckling ] R-Rick was hoping
to see your new energy source.
I think he could learn
a lot from you, Zeep.
Fine.
It's hard
for people to grasp,
but inside that container is
an infinite universe
with a planet capable
of generating
massive amounts of power.
I call it a miniverse.
[coughs]
Dumb [coughs] Name.
- Excuse me?
- [ clears throat] Nothing.
I mean, it's hard
for us to comprehend all this.
Would it be possible
for us to get some kind of tour
of your miniverse
from the inside?
This isn't a fucking
chocolate factory.
I don't have time.
Didn't you say time goes
more slowly in the miniverse
relative to the real world?
Yes, Chris.
Thanks for reminding me of that.
Great President.
All right, let's go.
Whoa-Oh!
Hold on to something.
I put an unbounded vacuum
inside a temporal field
until a world developed.
I then introduced
the people of this world
to the wonders of electricity
in the form of a device
I call
a flooble crank.
What they don't know is that 80%
of every crank's energy output
gets channeled
out of the miniverse
to be used by us.
No more gooble boxes.
RICK: I gotta tell you, Zeep,
with no disrespect,
I really think what
you're doing here is unethical.
It's not cool.
- What?!
Y-Y-You got the people
on this world slaving away
making your power.
I mean, that's
what I call slavery.
No, no, no,
they work for each other
in exchange for money,
which they then --
Well, that just sounds like
slavery with extra steps.
Eek barba dirkle, somebody's
gonna get laid in college.
Rick, a word?
What the hell was that?
I know.
"eek barba dirkle"?
That's a pretty
fucked up "ooh la la."
No, what are you doing
telling this guy
that his miniverse is
unethical?
D-Do you not see
the hypocrisy here?
Holy crap.
You're right, Morty. Hypocrisy!
Somewhere on this planet,
there's gotta be an arrogant...
scientist prick on the verge
of microverse technology,
which would threaten to make
Zeep's flooble cranks obsolete,
forcing Zeep
to say microverses are bad,
at which point he'll realize
what a hypocrite he's being.
His people will go back to
stomping on their gooble boxes,
and you and I will be
on ice cream street, baby!
Eating that motherfucking
ice cream!
Slurping, slurping,
slurping it up.
Wh-Wh-Why are you making
that face?
Holy shit!
It's me. I've convinced
the people of this planet
that I'm a traveler
from another world.
You don't think that's over-
[burps]... doing it a little?
I mean, you can achieve the same
effect with a pair of --
Never mind. You know what?
I shouldn't be so critical.
I'm an alien.
Places, please.
We're about to land.
[ Coughs ]
Too fast.
[sirens wailing]
- SUMMER: [whimpering]
FEMALE VOICE: Law enforcement
converging on location.
Keep Summer safe.
No! No, no!
Don't hurt anybody!
- Confirm
custom defense protocol --
Keep Summer safe --
No physical force.
- Yes.
- Processing.
MAN: Come out of the vehicle
with your hands in the air!
Scanning assailants.
[warbling, beeping]
Psychological option
detected.
[ beeping ]
Gestating.
"Gestating"?
Come out
with your hands up,
or we will be forced
to open fire!
- Incoming!
- We got a device!
Bomb! Bomb!
Daddy?
Oh, my god.
[sighs]
H-Hunter?
- Daddy?
What the hell?
Jesus Christ, cease fire!
Stay back!
H-H-Hunter?
- Daddy.
- Hunter!
[sobbing] Oh, my dear,
sweet god, Hunter.
Oh, my boy.
My boy.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
It was all my fault.
I'm sorry.
Daddy, leave the car alone.
W-W-W-What?
[distorted ]
Leave the car alone.
Hunter?
Don't --
Oh, my god.
Stay here, Hunter!
No!
[sobbing] God, no!
Hunter!
FEMALE VOICE:
All of you have loved ones.
All can be returned.
All can be taken away.
Please step away
from the vehicle.
Keep Summer safe.
And if you continue
to turn your flooble cranks,
I will bring you
other great alien advancements.
- Hey, lemme ask you something.
- Yes?
Any of your, uh, scientists
working on anything new?
All of them.
That's their job.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But I mean, like, energy-wise.
Anyone working on, say,
a little universe in a box?
How do you know about that?
It's top secret.
ZEEP: So remember -- A crank
a day is not nearly enough.
[ Iaughs]
Crank it.
I told them this means
"peace among worlds."
How hilarious is that?
Re-Really funny, Zeep.
Hey, Zeep, the fake president
of your fake world
has something fake important
to show you.
MAN:
It's not much now,
but once I learn to accelerate
the temporal field,
I'll be able to interact with
any sentient life that evolves
and introduce them
to the wonders of electricity
via a pulley-based device
I call a blooble yank.
But what
they won't know is --
You'll be taking
most of their energy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I get it.
[ Burps ]
It's show- [burps]... time.
You do realize this will make
the flooble crank obsolete?
This is wrong, Kyle.
What you're doing is wrong.
You're basically --
[scoffs] This is slavery.
You're talking about creating
a planet of slaves.
[ Burps ]
Told you, Zeep.
Oh, they won't be slaves.
They'll work for each other
and pay each other money.
That just sounds like slavery
with ex... tra... steps.
- What?
- Wait a minute.
Did you create my universe?
ls my universe a miniverse?
- Microverse!
- Uh, teenyverse.
- Ugh!
- You bastard!
Much obliged.
- What the hell is happening?
- This is healthy. Trust me.
You're my battery,
motherfucker!
[ Groans ]
That's all you are.
I made you.
Your microverse sucks!
And your miniverse is the size
of a fucking lobster tank!
It's wack!
Are they
not really aliens?
Nah, they're just
a couple of crazy,
wacky scientists,
you know?
So he made
a universe,
and that guy is
from that universe.
- You're my battery!
- And that guy made a universe.
And that's the universe
where I was born.
Where my father died.
Where I couldn't make time
for his funeral
because I was working
on my universe.
- I made you!
- [ laughs] Yeah.
Science, huh?
Ain't it a thing.
You know, one time,
Rick sh-- accidentally shot
his laser pistol
right through my hand.
You know, I mean, like,
Old-Lady Science, you know?
She's a real --
You got to hang on tight,
you know?
Because she -- she --
she bucks pretty hard.
Ooh, boy, what --
Oh, my god, no!
- Teenyverse.
- Teenyverse.
Come on, come on,
come on.
Pterodactyl!
[laughs]
- Asshole!
When I get
out of this teenyverse,
I'm gonna smash it to pieces
with you in it.
Yeah, well, when I get
out of this teenyverse,
I'm gonna get out of
the surrounding miniverse
and then the microverse
around that, and guess what?
Don't make things worse,
Rick!
Uh, he's not gonna destroy
your universe.
You know, we -- we need it
to start our car.
That's what you used
my universe for --
to run your car?
Yeah, but don't
flatter yourself.
There's always AAA,
you fucking cock sucker!
What's he doing?
What's he crafting?
I can craft stuff,
too, pal!
Just like I crafted
your reality!
You crafty son of a --
Ow! I crafted the guy
that created
the planet
you're standing on!
Yeah, and I made the stars
that became
the carbon
in your mother's ovaries!
I didn't ask to be born!
All right, that's it!
I'm out.
I-I'm gonna go
into the wilderness,
and I'm gonna make
a new life for myself
among the tree people.
I-lt can't be worse
than this.
Sure. Okay, Morty,
Just be back before sundown
or the tree people
will eat you.
That's a myth!
W-W-Why are you trying
to start a myth?
It's a prehistoric planet,
Morty.
Someone has to bring
a little culture.
And I-i-it certainly
can't be someone
whose entire culture powers
my brake lights!
[sirens wailing]
Go, go, go!
Oh, my god.
Oh, god.
What are we gonna do now?
FEMALE VOICE: I am unable
to destroy this army.
To clarify, I am quite able to
destroy this army,
but you will not permit it.
- Correct.
You also refuse to authorize
emotional countermeasures.
If you're talking
about the melting ghost babies,
yes, please,
no more of that.
[ Warble ]
Confirmed.
[signs]
I am currently constructing
a security measure
in compliance
with your parameters.
But I do want to say
you are not making this easy.
You know you're
kind of a dick, right?
My function is
to keep Summer safe,
not keep Summer being,
like, totally stoked
about, like,
the general vibe and stuff.
That's you.
That's how you talk.
Hey, that's my deer!
Aaaaaaah!
Raah!
I hope your god is
as big a dick as you.
My god's the biggest dick
that's never existed.
Why do you think
I'm even here?
[snake hisses]
[ Eagle screeches ]
You're here...
because you created
someone smarter than you.
Oh, I thought
we were both here
because I created
a universe of idiots.
Kalo kada sha la.
Holy shit. Morty?
I haven't seen you in months!
You're leading
the tree people?
Huh.
That's a step up.
We have no leaders.
We follow
only the will of the forest.
Ooh. Wow.
Gaaaaay.
That is pretty gay.
You two call yourselves
geniuses,
but you have spent
this time learning nothing.
Come with me
into the forest.
There is something
I wish to teach you.
This is Ku'ala,
the spirit tree.
For generations,
it has guided the --
You have to get us
the fuck outta here.
These people are
backwards savages.
They eat
every third baby
because they think
it makes fruit grow bigger.
Everyone's gross, and they all
smell like piss all the time.
I m-- I m-- I miss my family.
I miss my laptop.
I masturbated
to an extra-curvy piece
of driftwood the other day!
Look, I-l don't care
what it takes.
You two are putting aside
your bullshit,
and you're working together
to get us back home.
No can do, Morty.
I just can't.
I just don't see
how I can --
R0 ro dah no gah!
You're smart.
You'll figure it out.
[guns cocking]
You have 10 seconds
to get out of the ship!
18,9...
All right, not bad.
I guess you're
an okay proto recombinator.
I've certainly seen
worse ionic cell dioxination.
If this works,
drinks are on me.
If drinks are on you,
you're gonna need
a second mortgage
on that tower.
I'm an alcoholic.
Opium addict.
[ Both laugh ]
All right, okay, okay,
okay, wrap it up.
You guys are
the fucking worst!
Your gods are a lie!
Fuck you, fuck nature,
and fuck trees!
Yes! You did it!
Yes!
Hey, uh,
how about that drink?
Sure, I just need to go grab
my wallet from inside my ship.
Oh, is your wallet
in your ship?
That's where
the transporter is, too,
so why don't we
come with?
It's cool.
I'll be back in a sec.
You know how long a second can
take in a microverse?
Run, Morty! That asshole's
willing to risk...
everything he cares
about just to defeat me!
He's psychotic!
[ Both pant]
- Morty, hop on my back.
- Why'?
Go, go [burps]
Sanchez ski shoes.
- Aaaaaah!
- ...eight...
[ panting ]
Aaaah!
Oof!
[all grunting]
- Hold still.
- [grunts]
Oh, hey, guys.
I just finished
cooking us a feast.
- Aaaah!
- Holy --
- You monster!
- Whoa. Bad tour.
...seven...
[elevator bell dings]
Hey, you gotta sign out.
Nothing you do matters!
Your existence is a lie!
If that were
really true, then...
- I'm here to see Ron Mendleson.
- Third floor.
Would you like
to go to dinner with --
Uh, no.
[ Both panting ]
You may have created
this universe, Rick,
but I live in it.
- Shit!
What are we gonna do, Rick?
We're so screwed.
He's gonna get to the ship
and smash the microverse,
and then he's gonna kill us!
Quick, Morty, you've got
to turn into a car.
- What?!
- A long time ago...
I implanted you with
a subdermal chip that could
call upon dormant nanobots
in your bloodstream
to restructure your anatomy
and turn you into a car.
- Oh, my god!
- Concentrate, Morty.
Concentrate and turn
into a car, Morty.
[grunts]
Never mind. Here's a taxi.
Get in. It's fine.
...six...
- Hey, Zeep.
- Huh?
Happy Ricksgiving,
biiiiiitch.
Aaah!
We did it, Morty.
Now let's get out of here
and destroy this whole universe.
Excuse me?
...five --
- Sir?
[spiders hiss]
- Holy hell.
- Sir!
[tires screech ]
Hold your fire!
[spider snarls]
What's going on?
FEMALE VOICE: I have brokered
a peace agreement
between the giant spiders
and the government.
Thanks to the skilled diplomacy
of this mysterious space car,
from this day forward,
human and spiderkind will live
side by side in peace.
We will stop bombing them,
and they will no longer use
their telepathic abilities
to make us wander into webs
for later consumption.
Instead, we will
work together
to make this world
a better place for all,
no matter how many legs.
What do we do
about the space car?
Leave it alone.
I mean, what did it
really do, anyways?
Kill a guy
and paralyze his buddy?
[chuckles] Not a bad trade
for spider peace.
All right, that's it.
Move out!
[ Iaughs ]
I love this spider!
FEMALE VOICE: Summer is safe.
All right, I get it.
ZEEP:
Riiiick!
[thunder crashes ]
Don't do it.
You quit school, but you
still got some learning to do.
[ Both grunting ]
[ Both groan ]
Aah!
Unh!
[ Snorts, spits ]
Class dismissed.
Geez.
[ Bottles clatter]
- You all right?
- Uh-Huh!
What are you doing,
Rick?
I'm pretty sure
the battery's dead.
Oh, you think so,
huh, Morty?
Well, let's see.
[engine turns over]
Hey, wait -- Huh?
I don't get it.
Of course you don't.
But Zeep did.
He knew that once I got
back to my car,
one of two things
was gonna happen --
I was gonna have to toss
a broken battery,
or the battery wouldn't
be broken.
Peace among worlds, Rick.
Jesus.
Yeah.
Listen to that baby purr.
You were right, Morty --
We really just needed to
be honest with those guys.
All right, here we go.
Thank y-o-o-o...
See, Morty?
This is what it's all about.
This is why we do
what we do.
- Uh-Huh.
- Ew! What the hell?
Jesus!
There's flies in my ice cream.
Presidential decree --
All ice cream is now
for all beings,
no matter how many legs.
What the fuck
did you do, Summer?!
It was your ship!
Your stupid ship did it!
- Don't blame my ship!
- It melted a child!
My ship doesn't do anything
unless it's told to!
I don't want
to hear it, Summer!
Your boobs are
all hanging about,
and you ruined ice cream
with your boobs out.
And don't even try
to deny it, either.
MORTY:
[groans]
[car alarm chirps]
[engine revs,
students scream ]
[alarm blaring,
horn honking]
Oh, my god!
Did you get any of that?
It's a good show!
a version of Earth
with a "Ball Fondlers"
movie franchise.
I can't believe the things
this reality considers PG-13.
- Yeah, l-l'm pretty jealous.
- Don't be, Morty.
There's pros and cons
to every alternate timeline.
Fun facts
about this one --
It's got giant,
telepathic spiders,
11 9/11s,
and the best ice cream
in the multiverse!
- Shut up!
- Whoa!
We're gonna go get
some ice cream, motherfucker!
[engine sputters]
Oh, great.
Oh, boy.
W-What's wrong, Rick?
Is it the quantum carburetor
or something?
"Quantum carburetor"?
Jesus, Morty.
You can't just add
a s[burps]-- sci-fi word
to a car word
and hope it means something.
Looks like somethings wrong
with the microverse battery.
We're gonna have
to go inside.
Um, go inside what?
The battery, Morty.
Be right back, Summer.
Stay put,
don't touch any buttons,
and ignore all random thoughts
that feel... spidery.
Wait!
You can't leave me here!
You'll be fine.
Ship,
keep Summer safe.
FEMALE VOICE: [warbles]
Keep Summer safe.
MORTY:
Ohh!
Ugh.
Wonderful.
Hey, excuse me.
Hello.
Um...
[cellphone clicking]
What, you think
you're better than me?!
Nobody's better
than me!
Hey!
Hey!
Aah!
Aaaaah!
- Keep Summer safe.
- Aaaaaaah!
Hey, man,
what the hell?!
That was my daughter's
pediatrician! Aah!
No, stop!
Don't kill him!
[ Beep ]
Confirmed.
[grunts]
Aah!
[groans]
Oh, god.
I can't feel my legs.
Help!
Help!!
Summer is safe.
I don't feel safe.
[ sobs ]
Confirmed.
[ light jazz music plays]
[sobbing] No.
[sniffles]
Oh, god, help me.
Help me!
[sobbing] Help me, please!
You can help me!
PI'
Oh, man.
Where are we, Rick?
Morty, remember eight
seconds ago when -- you said,
"go inside what?"
And I said, "the battery"?
Then we showed up here,
and I wasn't like,
"Whoa, this is unexpected.
This is not what I was
expecting, Morty.
What a perplexing mystery
this is."
All right, all right,
we're inside the battery.
I get it. You don't have
to bust my balls.
Huh, this isn't right.
This pipe's supposed to be...
sending 20 terawatts of
juice up to the engine, Morty.
[computer beeps]
Instead we've got... zero?
Now what
are these people doing?
- W-W-W-Whoa, people?
- [ groans ]
It's time for some
hands-on engine repair.
All right, Morty,
hold on to something.
Whoa!
Holy crap!
I thought we were
inside your car battery, Rick.
T-T-This is like a whole
p-planet or something.
Thanks, Morty. I'm pretty
proud of this bad boy.
Check it out.
[ keypad beeps ]
I put a spatially
tessellated void
inside a modified
temporal field
until a planet developed
intelligent life.
I then introduced that life
to the wonders of electricity,
which they now generate
on a global scale.
And, you know, some of it goes
to power my engine
and charge my phone
and stuff.
You have a whole planet
making your power for you?
That's slavery.
- It's society.
They work for each other,
Morty.
They pay each other.
They buy houses.
They get married and make
children that replace them
when they get
too old to make power.
That just sounds like slavery
with extra steps.
Ooh la la, someone's
gonna get laid in college.
ANCHOR: It appears we are
being revisited
by the alien known as Rick,
who once gave our world
the gift
of gooble box technology,
which, when stomped on,
generates electricity,
powering our homes
and businesses,
improving our daily lives,
while safely removing
the dangerous waste power
to a special disposal volcano.
But why has Rick returned?
And what will he say
when he hears the big news?
Let's find out.
You need to tell these people
they're in a battery, Rick.
It's messed up.
There's caterers down there.
Th-Th-They're setting up
chafing dishes.
Would you relax, Morty?
There's nothing dishonest
about what we're doing.
Now slap on these antennae.
They need to think we're aliens.
- What? Why'?
- Sh-- Obviously [burps] --
You really [burps] know
nothing about car repair.
[fanfare plays ]
Wait for the ramp,
Morty.
They love
the slow ramp.
Really gets their dicks hard
when they see this ramp
just slowly
extending down.
[ Cheering ]
Greetings!
[ Creatures chanting,
"Rick! Rick!" ]
Morty, you gotta
flip them off.
I told them it means
"peace among worlds."
How hilarious is that?
[creatures cheering wildly]
RICK: Coming through.
Two real aliens walking
through here.
Rick,
our alien friend.
Uh, Mr. President,
um, couldn't help but notice
that you were having problems
generating power.
That's correct. [chuckles]
We've evolved.
Our most brilliant scientist,
Zeep Xanflorp,
has developed
a source of energy
that makes gooble boxes
obsolete.
[ Straining ]
I would love to see it.
- Fuck You.
- What did you say to me?!
"Fuck You."
Y-You told me
it means "much obliged."
Oh. Right.
Uh, b-blow me.
No, no, no.
Blow me.
Zeep, you have an honored guest
from beyond the stars.
I said 12 quantum stabilizers,
not 11.
Fix it
or it's your ass.
Chris, I'm in the middle
of something.
Zeep, this is Rick --
The Alien.
Rick The Alien.
Rick
The Alien...
Really?
You're gonna pull that move?
I guided
your entire civilization.
Your people have
a holiday named Ricksgiving.
They teach kids
about me in school.
I dropped out of school.
It's not for smart people.
Ohhhh, snap!
Listen to me,
you arrogant little --
[chuckling ] R-Rick was hoping
to see your new energy source.
I think he could learn
a lot from you, Zeep.
Fine.
It's hard
for people to grasp,
but inside that container is
an infinite universe
with a planet capable
of generating
massive amounts of power.
I call it a miniverse.
[coughs]
Dumb [coughs] Name.
- Excuse me?
- [ clears throat] Nothing.
I mean, it's hard
for us to comprehend all this.
Would it be possible
for us to get some kind of tour
of your miniverse
from the inside?
This isn't a fucking
chocolate factory.
I don't have time.
Didn't you say time goes
more slowly in the miniverse
relative to the real world?
Yes, Chris.
Thanks for reminding me of that.
Great President.
All right, let's go.
Whoa-Oh!
Hold on to something.
I put an unbounded vacuum
inside a temporal field
until a world developed.
I then introduced
the people of this world
to the wonders of electricity
in the form of a device
I call
a flooble crank.
What they don't know is that 80%
of every crank's energy output
gets channeled
out of the miniverse
to be used by us.
No more gooble boxes.
RICK: I gotta tell you, Zeep,
with no disrespect,
I really think what
you're doing here is unethical.
It's not cool.
- What?!
Y-Y-You got the people
on this world slaving away
making your power.
I mean, that's
what I call slavery.
No, no, no,
they work for each other
in exchange for money,
which they then --
Well, that just sounds like
slavery with extra steps.
Eek barba dirkle, somebody's
gonna get laid in college.
Rick, a word?
What the hell was that?
I know.
"eek barba dirkle"?
That's a pretty
fucked up "ooh la la."
No, what are you doing
telling this guy
that his miniverse is
unethical?
D-Do you not see
the hypocrisy here?
Holy crap.
You're right, Morty. Hypocrisy!
Somewhere on this planet,
there's gotta be an arrogant...
scientist prick on the verge
of microverse technology,
which would threaten to make
Zeep's flooble cranks obsolete,
forcing Zeep
to say microverses are bad,
at which point he'll realize
what a hypocrite he's being.
His people will go back to
stomping on their gooble boxes,
and you and I will be
on ice cream street, baby!
Eating that motherfucking
ice cream!
Slurping, slurping,
slurping it up.
Wh-Wh-Why are you making
that face?
Holy shit!
It's me. I've convinced
the people of this planet
that I'm a traveler
from another world.
You don't think that's over-
[burps]... doing it a little?
I mean, you can achieve the same
effect with a pair of --
Never mind. You know what?
I shouldn't be so critical.
I'm an alien.
Places, please.
We're about to land.
[ Coughs ]
Too fast.
[sirens wailing]
- SUMMER: [whimpering]
FEMALE VOICE: Law enforcement
converging on location.
Keep Summer safe.
No! No, no!
Don't hurt anybody!
- Confirm
custom defense protocol --
Keep Summer safe --
No physical force.
- Yes.
- Processing.
MAN: Come out of the vehicle
with your hands in the air!
Scanning assailants.
[warbling, beeping]
Psychological option
detected.
[ beeping ]
Gestating.
"Gestating"?
Come out
with your hands up,
or we will be forced
to open fire!
- Incoming!
- We got a device!
Bomb! Bomb!
Daddy?
Oh, my god.
[sighs]
H-Hunter?
- Daddy?
What the hell?
Jesus Christ, cease fire!
Stay back!
H-H-Hunter?
- Daddy.
- Hunter!
[sobbing] Oh, my dear,
sweet god, Hunter.
Oh, my boy.
My boy.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
It was all my fault.
I'm sorry.
Daddy, leave the car alone.
W-W-W-What?
[distorted ]
Leave the car alone.
Hunter?
Don't --
Oh, my god.
Stay here, Hunter!
No!
[sobbing] God, no!
Hunter!
FEMALE VOICE:
All of you have loved ones.
All can be returned.
All can be taken away.
Please step away
from the vehicle.
Keep Summer safe.
And if you continue
to turn your flooble cranks,
I will bring you
other great alien advancements.
- Hey, lemme ask you something.
- Yes?
Any of your, uh, scientists
working on anything new?
All of them.
That's their job.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But I mean, like, energy-wise.
Anyone working on, say,
a little universe in a box?
How do you know about that?
It's top secret.
ZEEP: So remember -- A crank
a day is not nearly enough.
[ Iaughs]
Crank it.
I told them this means
"peace among worlds."
How hilarious is that?
Re-Really funny, Zeep.
Hey, Zeep, the fake president
of your fake world
has something fake important
to show you.
MAN:
It's not much now,
but once I learn to accelerate
the temporal field,
I'll be able to interact with
any sentient life that evolves
and introduce them
to the wonders of electricity
via a pulley-based device
I call a blooble yank.
But what
they won't know is --
You'll be taking
most of their energy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I get it.
[ Burps ]
It's show- [burps]... time.
You do realize this will make
the flooble crank obsolete?
This is wrong, Kyle.
What you're doing is wrong.
You're basically --
[scoffs] This is slavery.
You're talking about creating
a planet of slaves.
[ Burps ]
Told you, Zeep.
Oh, they won't be slaves.
They'll work for each other
and pay each other money.
That just sounds like slavery
with ex... tra... steps.
- What?
- Wait a minute.
Did you create my universe?
ls my universe a miniverse?
- Microverse!
- Uh, teenyverse.
- Ugh!
- You bastard!
Much obliged.
- What the hell is happening?
- This is healthy. Trust me.
You're my battery,
motherfucker!
[ Groans ]
That's all you are.
I made you.
Your microverse sucks!
And your miniverse is the size
of a fucking lobster tank!
It's wack!
Are they
not really aliens?
Nah, they're just
a couple of crazy,
wacky scientists,
you know?
So he made
a universe,
and that guy is
from that universe.
- You're my battery!
- And that guy made a universe.
And that's the universe
where I was born.
Where my father died.
Where I couldn't make time
for his funeral
because I was working
on my universe.
- I made you!
- [ laughs] Yeah.
Science, huh?
Ain't it a thing.
You know, one time,
Rick sh-- accidentally shot
his laser pistol
right through my hand.
You know, I mean, like,
Old-Lady Science, you know?
She's a real --
You got to hang on tight,
you know?
Because she -- she --
she bucks pretty hard.
Ooh, boy, what --
Oh, my god, no!
- Teenyverse.
- Teenyverse.
Come on, come on,
come on.
Pterodactyl!
[laughs]
- Asshole!
When I get
out of this teenyverse,
I'm gonna smash it to pieces
with you in it.
Yeah, well, when I get
out of this teenyverse,
I'm gonna get out of
the surrounding miniverse
and then the microverse
around that, and guess what?
Don't make things worse,
Rick!
Uh, he's not gonna destroy
your universe.
You know, we -- we need it
to start our car.
That's what you used
my universe for --
to run your car?
Yeah, but don't
flatter yourself.
There's always AAA,
you fucking cock sucker!
What's he doing?
What's he crafting?
I can craft stuff,
too, pal!
Just like I crafted
your reality!
You crafty son of a --
Ow! I crafted the guy
that created
the planet
you're standing on!
Yeah, and I made the stars
that became
the carbon
in your mother's ovaries!
I didn't ask to be born!
All right, that's it!
I'm out.
I-I'm gonna go
into the wilderness,
and I'm gonna make
a new life for myself
among the tree people.
I-lt can't be worse
than this.
Sure. Okay, Morty,
Just be back before sundown
or the tree people
will eat you.
That's a myth!
W-W-Why are you trying
to start a myth?
It's a prehistoric planet,
Morty.
Someone has to bring
a little culture.
And I-i-it certainly
can't be someone
whose entire culture powers
my brake lights!
[sirens wailing]
Go, go, go!
Oh, my god.
Oh, god.
What are we gonna do now?
FEMALE VOICE: I am unable
to destroy this army.
To clarify, I am quite able to
destroy this army,
but you will not permit it.
- Correct.
You also refuse to authorize
emotional countermeasures.
If you're talking
about the melting ghost babies,
yes, please,
no more of that.
[ Warble ]
Confirmed.
[signs]
I am currently constructing
a security measure
in compliance
with your parameters.
But I do want to say
you are not making this easy.
You know you're
kind of a dick, right?
My function is
to keep Summer safe,
not keep Summer being,
like, totally stoked
about, like,
the general vibe and stuff.
That's you.
That's how you talk.
Hey, that's my deer!
Aaaaaaah!
Raah!
I hope your god is
as big a dick as you.
My god's the biggest dick
that's never existed.
Why do you think
I'm even here?
[snake hisses]
[ Eagle screeches ]
You're here...
because you created
someone smarter than you.
Oh, I thought
we were both here
because I created
a universe of idiots.
Kalo kada sha la.
Holy shit. Morty?
I haven't seen you in months!
You're leading
the tree people?
Huh.
That's a step up.
We have no leaders.
We follow
only the will of the forest.
Ooh. Wow.
Gaaaaay.
That is pretty gay.
You two call yourselves
geniuses,
but you have spent
this time learning nothing.
Come with me
into the forest.
There is something
I wish to teach you.
This is Ku'ala,
the spirit tree.
For generations,
it has guided the --
You have to get us
the fuck outta here.
These people are
backwards savages.
They eat
every third baby
because they think
it makes fruit grow bigger.
Everyone's gross, and they all
smell like piss all the time.
I m-- I m-- I miss my family.
I miss my laptop.
I masturbated
to an extra-curvy piece
of driftwood the other day!
Look, I-l don't care
what it takes.
You two are putting aside
your bullshit,
and you're working together
to get us back home.
No can do, Morty.
I just can't.
I just don't see
how I can --
R0 ro dah no gah!
You're smart.
You'll figure it out.
[guns cocking]
You have 10 seconds
to get out of the ship!
18,9...
All right, not bad.
I guess you're
an okay proto recombinator.
I've certainly seen
worse ionic cell dioxination.
If this works,
drinks are on me.
If drinks are on you,
you're gonna need
a second mortgage
on that tower.
I'm an alcoholic.
Opium addict.
[ Both laugh ]
All right, okay, okay,
okay, wrap it up.
You guys are
the fucking worst!
Your gods are a lie!
Fuck you, fuck nature,
and fuck trees!
Yes! You did it!
Yes!
Hey, uh,
how about that drink?
Sure, I just need to go grab
my wallet from inside my ship.
Oh, is your wallet
in your ship?
That's where
the transporter is, too,
so why don't we
come with?
It's cool.
I'll be back in a sec.
You know how long a second can
take in a microverse?
Run, Morty! That asshole's
willing to risk...
everything he cares
about just to defeat me!
He's psychotic!
[ Both pant]
- Morty, hop on my back.
- Why'?
Go, go [burps]
Sanchez ski shoes.
- Aaaaaah!
- ...eight...
[ panting ]
Aaaah!
Oof!
[all grunting]
- Hold still.
- [grunts]
Oh, hey, guys.
I just finished
cooking us a feast.
- Aaaah!
- Holy --
- You monster!
- Whoa. Bad tour.
...seven...
[elevator bell dings]
Hey, you gotta sign out.
Nothing you do matters!
Your existence is a lie!
If that were
really true, then...
- I'm here to see Ron Mendleson.
- Third floor.
Would you like
to go to dinner with --
Uh, no.
[ Both panting ]
You may have created
this universe, Rick,
but I live in it.
- Shit!
What are we gonna do, Rick?
We're so screwed.
He's gonna get to the ship
and smash the microverse,
and then he's gonna kill us!
Quick, Morty, you've got
to turn into a car.
- What?!
- A long time ago...
I implanted you with
a subdermal chip that could
call upon dormant nanobots
in your bloodstream
to restructure your anatomy
and turn you into a car.
- Oh, my god!
- Concentrate, Morty.
Concentrate and turn
into a car, Morty.
[grunts]
Never mind. Here's a taxi.
Get in. It's fine.
...six...
- Hey, Zeep.
- Huh?
Happy Ricksgiving,
biiiiiitch.
Aaah!
We did it, Morty.
Now let's get out of here
and destroy this whole universe.
Excuse me?
...five --
- Sir?
[spiders hiss]
- Holy hell.
- Sir!
[tires screech ]
Hold your fire!
[spider snarls]
What's going on?
FEMALE VOICE: I have brokered
a peace agreement
between the giant spiders
and the government.
Thanks to the skilled diplomacy
of this mysterious space car,
from this day forward,
human and spiderkind will live
side by side in peace.
We will stop bombing them,
and they will no longer use
their telepathic abilities
to make us wander into webs
for later consumption.
Instead, we will
work together
to make this world
a better place for all,
no matter how many legs.
What do we do
about the space car?
Leave it alone.
I mean, what did it
really do, anyways?
Kill a guy
and paralyze his buddy?
[chuckles] Not a bad trade
for spider peace.
All right, that's it.
Move out!
[ Iaughs ]
I love this spider!
FEMALE VOICE: Summer is safe.
All right, I get it.
ZEEP:
Riiiick!
[thunder crashes ]
Don't do it.
You quit school, but you
still got some learning to do.
[ Both grunting ]
[ Both groan ]
Aah!
Unh!
[ Snorts, spits ]
Class dismissed.
Geez.
[ Bottles clatter]
- You all right?
- Uh-Huh!
What are you doing,
Rick?
I'm pretty sure
the battery's dead.
Oh, you think so,
huh, Morty?
Well, let's see.
[engine turns over]
Hey, wait -- Huh?
I don't get it.
Of course you don't.
But Zeep did.
He knew that once I got
back to my car,
one of two things
was gonna happen --
I was gonna have to toss
a broken battery,
or the battery wouldn't
be broken.
Peace among worlds, Rick.
Jesus.
Yeah.
Listen to that baby purr.
You were right, Morty --
We really just needed to
be honest with those guys.
All right, here we go.
Thank y-o-o-o...
See, Morty?
This is what it's all about.
This is why we do
what we do.
- Uh-Huh.
- Ew! What the hell?
Jesus!
There's flies in my ice cream.
Presidential decree --
All ice cream is now
for all beings,
no matter how many legs.
What the fuck
did you do, Summer?!
It was your ship!
Your stupid ship did it!
- Don't blame my ship!
- It melted a child!
My ship doesn't do anything
unless it's told to!
I don't want
to hear it, Summer!
Your boobs are
all hanging about,
and you ruined ice cream
with your boobs out.
And don't even try
to deny it, either.
MORTY:
[groans]
[car alarm chirps]
[engine revs,
students scream ]
[alarm blaring,
horn honking]
Oh, my god!
Did you get any of that?
It's a good show!