Rick and Morty (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - Get Schwifty - full transcript
Rick and morty must aid Earth after a giant head disrupts the planet, demanding to see a hit song performed.
[thunder crashes ]
Hey, golf is easy now!
Aah! Golf is hard again!
Golf is hard again!
The view from here
is the same as yours, Jim.
A giant head
has entered Earth's gravity,
triggering climate change
and natural disasters
we thought were impossible for
at least another eight years.
Let's not
make this political, Terry.
Do we know
what this giant head wants?
[ Clears throat]
Show me what you got.
Jim, you heard the...said --
"Show me what you got."
Show me what you got.
I want to see
what you got.
RICK:
Oh, boy. Time to go, Morty.
Uh, where?
The Pentagon.
I mean,
not the Pentagon.
[ Burps]
The lame one here on Earth.
♪♪
SUMMER: ls it God?
If it's God,
do we get out of school?
It's not God, Summer.
She's allowed to think it's God
if she wants, honey.
Shut up, Jerry.
Okay.
Dad, what do you know
about this?
Morty and I
are going to look into it.
You guys hold tight.
Scary stuff, huh?
Pretty freaky.
Hi.
I'm Morty's math teacher.
I'm also part of the
street team inviting folks
to the church downtown
so we can pray together.
How is praying
going to help?
Ma'am, a giant head in the sky
is controlling the weather.
Did you want to play checkers?
Let's be rational!
I'll see you
at God's house!
[ Indistinct conversations ]
Gentlemen, gentlemen!
One at a time! Simon?
Seti, Norad, and every
broadcaster on the planet
are attempting to show this
being what humanity's got --
String Theory, World History,
the Human Genome --
Have you tried
sending it launch codes?
Mr. President,
what America's got
is 70,000 megatons
of Kaboom-boom,
and I say we show it right
up this floating head's ass.
No,
you need to let me talk!
Shut up!
Hold it! Don't move!
Stay back! This watch
turns people into snakes!
♪♪
Oh!
Stand down!
Everybody, stand down!
I'm the leader of these people,
and I'm unarmed.
There's no need
for any more snake-makery.
My name
is Rick Sanchez.
This here
is my grandson, Morty.
- ALL: Hi, Morty.
- Hey.
I've seen enough of the Galaxy
to know what we've got here
is a Cromulon
from the Signus Five Expanse.
So you can forget about nukes,
and you can forget about math.
This head
won't go away
until [burps] Earth
shows them it's got...
a hit song.
- A hit song?
- We can't possibly --
- You mean like Vivaldi?
- No, Frasier.
A live performance of a newly
written, catchy original song.
The Cromulon feed on
the talent and showmanship
of less-evolved
life-forms.
All right, all right.
Thank you, Mr. Sanchez.
Change of plan, people.
Get me Pharrell,
Randy Newman,
Billy Corgan,
and The-Dream.
The-Dream?
He wrote "Umbrella"
and "Single Ladies"?
You people
haven't heard of The-Dream?
You're gonna want to put them
on that giant speaker system
at your sonic testing
facility at Area 51.
How do you
know about that?
For god's sake, Nathan,
the man turns people
into snakes.
He can use
Google maps.
Sir, Pharrell, Newman,
Corgan, and that Dream guy --
- They're all dead.
- What?
How is that possible? Do people
just die when I name them?
The Grammys, sir.
There was an earthquake
and...all the musicians,
all the famous ones...
they're gone.
Dear god.
Hold on, sir.
Just a minute.
Ice-T survived.
He's inbound on an F-15,
E.T.A. two hours.
Good luck,
Mr. President.
Sir, the magnetic poles
are about to reverse.
In two hours, there may not be
an Earth to save.
Sanchez?
Are you a musician?
I dabble,
Mr. President.
Get this man and his grandson
on a Black Hawk to Area 51.
People! Everyone!
Remain calm!
Every crisis of faith is
an opportunity for more faith.
When God deals you an 11,
you don't fold!
You double down!
And always hit
on a soft 16.
That means you, Jews.
I beg your pardon, Pastor,
but the last I looked outside,
it seems to be you
that's been dealt the weak hand.
Jews rule!
Nobody?
Okay, tough church.
Hi.
Principal Vagina --
the name's real,
possibly Scandinavian.
I'm just gonna come out
and make this pitch --
the old gods are dead.
Fuck all previous
existing religions.
All hail
the one true God --
The giant head
in the sky.
- Children of God!
- Ah-ta-ta-ta!
Bob, Bob, I get it.
But unless this
can beat that,
what have you
done for me lately?
So,
if you'll all excuse me,
I'm going out
onto the sidewalk,
I'm dropping to my knees,
and pledging my eternal soul
to the thing that literally
controls the fucking weather.
Out of my way.
Okay.
If sanity's been restored
to this assembly,
I'd like to talk about the cost
of repairing our new organ.
Sally, the plate,
please.
Oh!
This is my favorite part!
Rick,
are you really a musician?
Who's not a musician,
Morty?
- Me!
- Yeah, not with that attitude.
We're in the drop zone!
I'm the jumpmaster!
My name's Jamey --
with an e-y!
Go, go, go!
B-but --
but we don't have a song!
Giant head in the sky, please
forgive all that we've done.
We're sorry for our
increased levels of emissions
and our racism
and, of course, the amber alerts
I keep ignoring
on my phone.
BOTH:
Whoa!
All right, Morty.
Let's get -- let's do it.
Why don't you, uh, find a button
on one of those keyboards
and lay down
some kind of beat?
Rick, I think
we need to cut our losses.
W-we get our family
and portal out of here!
Morty, good music comes from
people who are relaxed.
Just hit a button, Morty!
Give me a beat!
Oh, man. Okay.
All right, um...
[techno beat plays ]
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ You gotta get schwifty ♪
♪ You gotta
get schwifty in here ♪
♪ It's time to
get schwifty ♪
♪ Uh-Oh ♪
Get "Schwifty"?
What the hell is that?
It's our world's best effort.
That's what.
♪ Take off your pants
and your panties ♪
♪ Shit on the floor ♪
♪ Time to
get schwifty in here ♪
♪ I'm Mr. Bulldops ♪
"Mr. Bulldops"?
Don't analyze it, Nathan.
It's working!
♪ Take a shit on the floor ♪
♪ Time to
get schwifty in here ♪
[rumbling stops]
...and third-level donors
get our all-access family pass.
Listen!
The storm is stopping!
♪ Hey, take your pants off ♪
♪ It's schwifty
time today ♪
[music stops]
- Hmm.
Please be kind to us,
for we are but tiny things
with entire bodies,
stuck to your ground.
I like what you got!
Good job!
- Yea[burps]h!
- Whoo!
We did it!
[all cheering]
What do you know?
He was right!
- Hooray Principal Vagina!
- Yeah, I'll take it.
Now,
hold on a second!
Let's be rational
about this.
No, I'm --
I'm just saying,
we don't know there's
a cause-effect relationship --
[rumbling ]
- Oh, my god!
What is going on now?!
Whoa! Whoa!
♪♪
What the hell happened?
Mr. President,
you're gonna want to see this.
I think planet Earth
has just been transported.
PRINCIPAL VAGINA: The Head has left
and sent its children.
Holy crap!
Oh, dear giant Head, we
apologize for that discussion.
It will never
happen again.
Oh, dear --
Oh, dear giant Head...
[all praying]
Sir, we started picking up on
a garbled signal.
We're
decrypting it now.
HEAD: We asked them
to show us what they got,
and they did.
Now we'll see which of them
has got the most.
24 hours, 5 planets,
5 songs.
But in the end,
there can only be one...
Planet Music!
All participation
is involuntary.
Disqualified
and losing planets
are disintegrated
by plasma ray.
Uh, it's probably a bad time
to mention it,
but any astronauts you guys had
in orbit are definitely dead.
HEAD:
Welcome back to "Planet Music"!
First up,
let's hear the latest song
from planet Parblesnops',
The Greeby Bobes!
Show me what you got!
Hold it, hold it.
Stop.
Music isn't about
competition or captivity.
If you love music,
you love freedom.
Let these worlds be free!
Please!
Disqualified.
[ Buzzer]
There's one every season.
Moving on to
planet Arboles Mentirosos.
Arbolian Mentirososians,
show us what you got!
A 2, 3, 4!
[ Mid-tempo music plays]
[guitar strumming,
sour notes play]
Rick, Morty, Ice-T,
the timetable's moved up.
Earth's on
in six hours.
Like we're not already
under enough pressure?!
- Whoa! Whoa!
- [ laughs] Yeah!
Geez, Morty, the guy's just
doing his job. Take it easy.
Rick, Ice-T, could you guys
take it less easy?!
We've got six hours
to come up with a song!
Genius happens in
the moment, Morty.
Well, can we at least
go get our family?
You know, so we can
take them wis--
With u--
with us if we lose?
That's planning for
failure, Morty.
Even dumber
than regular planning.
Balls.
Morty, Morty, stop.
Listen.
There's only so much charge
left in this thing.
If we portal home
from here and back,
we're not gonna have enough
charge left to get off world.
- Get it?
- What?!
Yeah.
[ burps ] You see?
I try to shelter you
from certain realities
[burps] Morty,
because if I let you
make me nervous,
then we can't
get schwifty.
Stop saying it like
it's a thing! You made it up!
Hey, Morty,
could you lick my...
balls, balls...
Rick, cut it out!
It's not funny, Rick!
I've seen enough.
These guys are one-hit wonders.
And what's your plan,
General?
We still have
the nuclear option.
On my word,
we can launch a missile
at every one
of those heads in the sky.
Our planet's held captive
on a live game show,
and your solution
is to shoot the audience?
You can put your faith in nukes
if we gel through this, General.
Until then, I'll put mine
in Rick and Morty.
"Get Schwifty"
was a jam.
Hello?
Yes, sir, yeah.
Eh, thank you, sir.
Thank you.
He says he's proud
of what we're doing
and hopes we have
a great ascension festival!
Happy ascension!
ALL:
Happy ascension!
We should pack up
and leave town now.
I think it's inspiring that our
community is coping with fear
in a way that involves a
festival and homemade ice cream.
If you'd stop being
such an evangelical atheist,
you might
start enjoying yourself.
Whoa!
Look at you!
You're wearing the hat
and everything!
Here's yours!
Mom, do you mind
if I cook dinner tonight?
Yeah, sure.
Wait. What?
I love you guys.
You gave me life.
And it's the will
of the many Heads
that all children
honor their parents.
Dinner sounds nice.
Pardon,
Mr. And Mrs. Smith.
Summer, are you
coming to the ascension?
Father, can we please
go to the ascension?
Sure!
Let's go to the ascension.
Wh-wh-what is it?
We hereby send these
unwantables skyward
that they might be inhaled
by the many Heads,
later to be sneezed back to us
as better babies.
Headward,
free now to rise.
Oh, yes! Yes!
Rise to the giant Head!
You are free
to be free!
And squeegee comes up
from the garage, right?
But he's got a lobster
in one hand,
the movie tickets in the other,
he's like, "I'm ready!"
[ laughs ]
You gonna take a lobster
to see "Iron Man 3"?
[laughing] Ice-T!
Ah, damn.
We're out of
original-flavor Fig Newtons.
I should
get going anyway.
Wait, wait, wait!
C-come on.
H-hold on a second.
Hold on.
- What?!
- Damn.
You didn't tell me you fuck
around with portals and shit.
That's it!
[ grunts ]
Whoa, whoa, Morty!
Give me that.
You lied! You lied
about the charge!
You were
just being lazy!
Get back!
Sit down!
Morty,
just put it down.
You don't know
what you're doing.
I'm going to go
find mom and dad!
No!
Oh shit.
♪♪
[farting]
Oh shit.
And then Ethan played guitar,
and we learned
the seven contemplations
of the Head by singing them.
It was really fun.
Praise be the Head!
- BOTH: Praise be the...
- Yeah.
Hi, folks.
Head Priest Vagina.
Thanks for farming
all those potatoes.
It's 6:00 p.m,
so if you're a parent,
you're now entitled to
adoration from your children.
I'm going to
start dinner!
I don't know
what to say.
Summer
is doing really well here.
She's aced every test
in potato class,
and look how important
potatoes have become.
She's not getting pregnant or
doing drugs or missing curfew.
Please help me.
You can reach me if you try.
Please help me!
That's not our business
as long as Summer is thriving.
Taco time!
I hope it pleases you
as the Head desires.
That's wonderful,
Summer.
We're so proud of you.
But obviously you don't have to
make dinner every night.
Of course I do, silly!
[gasps]
Oh, my god, daddy!
I'm sorry I called you silly!
I'm so sorry!
Heavenly Heads
and cranial creator,
forgive my transgressions
against family and community.
May my chores complete me
as I complete them.
[ Door closes]
♪♪
Morty.
Birdperson?
You appear to be dying.
I will make efforts
to prevent this
but can promise nothing.
[groans]
[ Mid-tempo music plays]
Wh-what do you think, Ice?
Probably a little overdeveloped.
Shit, overdeveloped,
underdeveloped --
A bad song's a bad song.
Well, do you think,
maybe --
Could you give me
some help with it, or...?
Aw, hell no, man.
You do your thing,
but I can't afford to
get my pride wrapped up
in your shame.
You know what I'm saying?
Ice, I don't want to be
a negative Nelly or anything,
but [burps] if Morty doesn't
come back with my portal gun
and I eat it out there,
it's, uh, you know,
kind of your problem, too.
Pfft! I ain't worried about
no Earth blowing up, man.
What? Why not?
Yo, this is why.
What the fuck,
you can turn into ice?
My story begins
at the dawn of time
in the faraway realm
of Alphabetrium.
There, every being
is a letter of the alphabet.
But I was frozen and exiled
to the cosmos by my elders
as punishment for not
caring enough about anything.
Earth is just
one of my many stops
on a lifelong journey
with no destination.
So you better believe
I don't care if it blows up,
because I'll just be
ice floating through space,
like a comet.
Take it from me, Ice,
[burps] you can't just [burps]
Float around space
not caring about stuff forever.
Pfft.
Man, watch me.
Good luck, Rick.
Okay, things are getting
out of hand.
I better make sure
Rick has everything he needs
to get schwifty.
Oh, for god's sakes.
That's enough.
What the hell are
you doing, Nathan?!
I'm the goddamn President
of the United fucking States!
I'm setting the nuclear
option to launch
one minute
into Earth's performance.
And you,
Mr. President...
I hope you like being
hit in the face with a gun.
Wait, wait, wait.
Why -- why --
I believe I can access
the history of Rick's gun
and help you
get back to him.
But can you help me
get to my family?
You know,
at -- at my house?
Is your intention
to abandon Rick
using his own portal gun?
In Bird culture,
this is considered a dick move.
All of Rick's moves
are dick moves!
What --
what am I eating?
Wh-what is this,
bird-- birdseed?
It is random debris.
I found it in my carpet.
I don't know
what humans eat.
You know
what this human eats.
Don't be gross,
Tammy.
Bird dick.
Tammy, gross.
Birdperson,
you always stick up for Rick,
but he doesn't care about
anyone but himself.
He doesn't think about
the consequences
of anything he does.
And as a result,
he has the power
to save or destroy
entire worlds.
And he is the reason
you and I know each other...
and the reason
I'm alive at all.
♪♪
What's that?
Who's that baby?
Morty, suppose you could
retrieve your family from Earth
but had to
abandon Rick.
I could give your loved ones
shelter on Birdworld,
even jobs,
possibly as worm ranchers.
How often do you think
you might look up at the stars
and wonder
what might have been
had you just
put your faith in Rick?
HEAD:
That was Chunkytunk with
"Full Ming Mong,
Empty Gorbdork."
Up next, planet Earth!
Oh, god!
We're up?!
PRINCIPAL: Jerry and Beth,
your family is a golden example
of what Headism
has to offer the world.
- The world?
- Headism is a hit.
We're taking it worldwide,
and we'd like Jerry to be
our church's
Head of advertising.
You would?
Beth, we'd like to promote you
from horse surgeon
straight past human surgeon
to Headof medicine.
That's my dream!
That's my dream.
Thank you.
This is all so overwhelming.
Em, uh...
we can't.
- Absolutely not.
I'm sorry?
We've been waiting
16 years
for our daughter
to respect us,
but the key is,
it has to be our daughter,
not this person
she's become.
We'll take our chances
raising her
without fancy new jobs,
outside of
a potato-based religion.
And you know what? l-l'm sick of
pretending that we're together
because of the kids
in the first place.
I married you because
you're the love of my life.
And I'm lucky to have you,
and I never tell you that!
You know, we will come out
of this stronger as a family.
Please don't do this!
Please don't do this!
- Summer!
- Summer, listen carefully.
I stole a paper clip,
and I have it in my cheek,
but I don't know what to do
with it, and it hurts.
You're going to
be okay.
You will come back
as babies.
I am a baby!
I'm a baby now!
Hello?
Is anybody here?
[ Muffled shouting ]
Mr. President!
[gasps]
This is Bluebird!
Code Tango Niner Alpha!
Abort launch!
Abort! Hello?
He's blocked me out.
Sir, I need to
get to the stage
and help Rick
get Schwifty!
It won't matter
how Schwifty you get, Morty.
The General's got nukes
set to launch
halfway through
Earth's song!
Oh, my god!
Uh, c-can you fly a Black Hawk?
Can the Pope's dick
fit through a doughnut?
Uh, I'm...not sure.
Exactly.
Show me what you got!
- [techno beat plays]
- [ clears throat]
Uh...
♪ Lapoo lapoo lapoo dops ♪
♪ Napoo napoo napoo nots ♪
Headward,
free now to rise.
Hey,
look at the Heads!
Looks like
the Heads are getting angry!
PRESIDENT:
I'm really bad at this, Morty!
There are way too many buttons
in this thing!
Mr. President,
if I've learned one thing today
it's that sometimes
you have to not give a fuck.
♪ Napoo napoo nots ♪
Ugh.
Tough crowd.
I'm sure that has --
that has nothing
to do with this.
[ Heads booing ]
The Heads
are displeased!
Summer!
Um...
[ booing continues]
Morty!
HEADS:
Hooray!
Hooray! Look!
Hooray!
The Heads love this!
They love it when we don't
kill the Smith family!
No!
Stop that!
You're not allowed to interpret
the will of the Heads!
Call off the nuclear strike!
This is the President!
Stop
the nuclear missile launch!
Just launch
the missiles!
[ Pbht! pbht! ]
Boo! Not cool!
I'm the only one
that speaks to the Heads!
Disqualified!
The Heads disqualified Vagina!
Get him!
Disqualified!
Disqualified!
♪♪
ALL:
Ice-T?!
That's right.
It's me -- Ice-T.
I care now.
You made me care more.
With all due respect,
I'd like to hear what
Rick and Morty have to play.
What do you say,
Rick?
I say,
let's do it!
[techno beat plays ]
- HEADS: Hooray!
Yeah.
All right.
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
- Uh-huh.
Here we go.
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Say it with me ♪
♪ Head bent over ♪
♪ Raised up posterior ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Head bent over ♪
♪ Yeah, raised up posterior ♪
Sing it
with me now!
Oh, my go--
♪ Head bent over ♪
Yeah.
♪ Raised up posterior ♪
All right!
♪ Head bent over ♪
Oh, yeah.
Raised up posterior!
After 988 seasons
of "Planet Music,"
the Cromulons have decided to
declare Earth the final winner
and bring our musical
reality show to a conclusion.
Goodbye.
[ pbht! ]
- Yeah!
- We did it! Yes!
Let's get
a music album now!
Did he just say
"Musical Reality Show"?
Yeah, it's possible that
we may have been correlating
some things that weren't
actually related at all.
Help!
We should
go get him.
[cheers and applause]
I hope I can call on you and
Rick again if I need you, Morty.
Sure thing.
And I --
I was kind of hoping that I
could get a selfie with you?
Actually, if you try to
tell anyone what happened here,
we'll deny it
and probably worse.
Understood.
D-i-i-i-i-ie!
Oh, no, no, no!
Why didn't
he turn into a snake?
Trade secret,
Mr. President.
Particle beam
in a wristwatch,
snake holster
on the leg.
[snake hissing, rattling]
[ Whistles ]
[ Iaughs ]
I love this man!
♪♪
Magnesium-J,
Hydrogen-F...
Father.
Word of your selfless acts
on the Earth planet
have traveled
across the galaxy.
I have changed.
I am ready to rejoin my brethren
on Alphabetrium.
Very well.
Your exile ends today.
Welcome home,
Water-T.
[ Explosion, rumbling ]
The Numbericons!
They're attacking!
Battle stations!
Aah!
Father!
I love you, son.
I should have never
turned you to ice.
Water-T,
where are you going?!
There's too many
of them!
Then I better
crunch the numbers.
- Aaaaaaaaaaaah!
[ gunfire ]
[screaming ]
MAN:
Did you get any of that?
MAN:
It's-a good show-a.
Hey, golf is easy now!
Aah! Golf is hard again!
Golf is hard again!
The view from here
is the same as yours, Jim.
A giant head
has entered Earth's gravity,
triggering climate change
and natural disasters
we thought were impossible for
at least another eight years.
Let's not
make this political, Terry.
Do we know
what this giant head wants?
[ Clears throat]
Show me what you got.
Jim, you heard the...said --
"Show me what you got."
Show me what you got.
I want to see
what you got.
RICK:
Oh, boy. Time to go, Morty.
Uh, where?
The Pentagon.
I mean,
not the Pentagon.
[ Burps]
The lame one here on Earth.
♪♪
SUMMER: ls it God?
If it's God,
do we get out of school?
It's not God, Summer.
She's allowed to think it's God
if she wants, honey.
Shut up, Jerry.
Okay.
Dad, what do you know
about this?
Morty and I
are going to look into it.
You guys hold tight.
Scary stuff, huh?
Pretty freaky.
Hi.
I'm Morty's math teacher.
I'm also part of the
street team inviting folks
to the church downtown
so we can pray together.
How is praying
going to help?
Ma'am, a giant head in the sky
is controlling the weather.
Did you want to play checkers?
Let's be rational!
I'll see you
at God's house!
[ Indistinct conversations ]
Gentlemen, gentlemen!
One at a time! Simon?
Seti, Norad, and every
broadcaster on the planet
are attempting to show this
being what humanity's got --
String Theory, World History,
the Human Genome --
Have you tried
sending it launch codes?
Mr. President,
what America's got
is 70,000 megatons
of Kaboom-boom,
and I say we show it right
up this floating head's ass.
No,
you need to let me talk!
Shut up!
Hold it! Don't move!
Stay back! This watch
turns people into snakes!
♪♪
Oh!
Stand down!
Everybody, stand down!
I'm the leader of these people,
and I'm unarmed.
There's no need
for any more snake-makery.
My name
is Rick Sanchez.
This here
is my grandson, Morty.
- ALL: Hi, Morty.
- Hey.
I've seen enough of the Galaxy
to know what we've got here
is a Cromulon
from the Signus Five Expanse.
So you can forget about nukes,
and you can forget about math.
This head
won't go away
until [burps] Earth
shows them it's got...
a hit song.
- A hit song?
- We can't possibly --
- You mean like Vivaldi?
- No, Frasier.
A live performance of a newly
written, catchy original song.
The Cromulon feed on
the talent and showmanship
of less-evolved
life-forms.
All right, all right.
Thank you, Mr. Sanchez.
Change of plan, people.
Get me Pharrell,
Randy Newman,
Billy Corgan,
and The-Dream.
The-Dream?
He wrote "Umbrella"
and "Single Ladies"?
You people
haven't heard of The-Dream?
You're gonna want to put them
on that giant speaker system
at your sonic testing
facility at Area 51.
How do you
know about that?
For god's sake, Nathan,
the man turns people
into snakes.
He can use
Google maps.
Sir, Pharrell, Newman,
Corgan, and that Dream guy --
- They're all dead.
- What?
How is that possible? Do people
just die when I name them?
The Grammys, sir.
There was an earthquake
and...all the musicians,
all the famous ones...
they're gone.
Dear god.
Hold on, sir.
Just a minute.
Ice-T survived.
He's inbound on an F-15,
E.T.A. two hours.
Good luck,
Mr. President.
Sir, the magnetic poles
are about to reverse.
In two hours, there may not be
an Earth to save.
Sanchez?
Are you a musician?
I dabble,
Mr. President.
Get this man and his grandson
on a Black Hawk to Area 51.
People! Everyone!
Remain calm!
Every crisis of faith is
an opportunity for more faith.
When God deals you an 11,
you don't fold!
You double down!
And always hit
on a soft 16.
That means you, Jews.
I beg your pardon, Pastor,
but the last I looked outside,
it seems to be you
that's been dealt the weak hand.
Jews rule!
Nobody?
Okay, tough church.
Hi.
Principal Vagina --
the name's real,
possibly Scandinavian.
I'm just gonna come out
and make this pitch --
the old gods are dead.
Fuck all previous
existing religions.
All hail
the one true God --
The giant head
in the sky.
- Children of God!
- Ah-ta-ta-ta!
Bob, Bob, I get it.
But unless this
can beat that,
what have you
done for me lately?
So,
if you'll all excuse me,
I'm going out
onto the sidewalk,
I'm dropping to my knees,
and pledging my eternal soul
to the thing that literally
controls the fucking weather.
Out of my way.
Okay.
If sanity's been restored
to this assembly,
I'd like to talk about the cost
of repairing our new organ.
Sally, the plate,
please.
Oh!
This is my favorite part!
Rick,
are you really a musician?
Who's not a musician,
Morty?
- Me!
- Yeah, not with that attitude.
We're in the drop zone!
I'm the jumpmaster!
My name's Jamey --
with an e-y!
Go, go, go!
B-but --
but we don't have a song!
Giant head in the sky, please
forgive all that we've done.
We're sorry for our
increased levels of emissions
and our racism
and, of course, the amber alerts
I keep ignoring
on my phone.
BOTH:
Whoa!
All right, Morty.
Let's get -- let's do it.
Why don't you, uh, find a button
on one of those keyboards
and lay down
some kind of beat?
Rick, I think
we need to cut our losses.
W-we get our family
and portal out of here!
Morty, good music comes from
people who are relaxed.
Just hit a button, Morty!
Give me a beat!
Oh, man. Okay.
All right, um...
[techno beat plays ]
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ You gotta get schwifty ♪
♪ You gotta
get schwifty in here ♪
♪ It's time to
get schwifty ♪
♪ Uh-Oh ♪
Get "Schwifty"?
What the hell is that?
It's our world's best effort.
That's what.
♪ Take off your pants
and your panties ♪
♪ Shit on the floor ♪
♪ Time to
get schwifty in here ♪
♪ I'm Mr. Bulldops ♪
"Mr. Bulldops"?
Don't analyze it, Nathan.
It's working!
♪ Take a shit on the floor ♪
♪ Time to
get schwifty in here ♪
[rumbling stops]
...and third-level donors
get our all-access family pass.
Listen!
The storm is stopping!
♪ Hey, take your pants off ♪
♪ It's schwifty
time today ♪
[music stops]
- Hmm.
Please be kind to us,
for we are but tiny things
with entire bodies,
stuck to your ground.
I like what you got!
Good job!
- Yea[burps]h!
- Whoo!
We did it!
[all cheering]
What do you know?
He was right!
- Hooray Principal Vagina!
- Yeah, I'll take it.
Now,
hold on a second!
Let's be rational
about this.
No, I'm --
I'm just saying,
we don't know there's
a cause-effect relationship --
[rumbling ]
- Oh, my god!
What is going on now?!
Whoa! Whoa!
♪♪
What the hell happened?
Mr. President,
you're gonna want to see this.
I think planet Earth
has just been transported.
PRINCIPAL VAGINA: The Head has left
and sent its children.
Holy crap!
Oh, dear giant Head, we
apologize for that discussion.
It will never
happen again.
Oh, dear --
Oh, dear giant Head...
[all praying]
Sir, we started picking up on
a garbled signal.
We're
decrypting it now.
HEAD: We asked them
to show us what they got,
and they did.
Now we'll see which of them
has got the most.
24 hours, 5 planets,
5 songs.
But in the end,
there can only be one...
Planet Music!
All participation
is involuntary.
Disqualified
and losing planets
are disintegrated
by plasma ray.
Uh, it's probably a bad time
to mention it,
but any astronauts you guys had
in orbit are definitely dead.
HEAD:
Welcome back to "Planet Music"!
First up,
let's hear the latest song
from planet Parblesnops',
The Greeby Bobes!
Show me what you got!
Hold it, hold it.
Stop.
Music isn't about
competition or captivity.
If you love music,
you love freedom.
Let these worlds be free!
Please!
Disqualified.
[ Buzzer]
There's one every season.
Moving on to
planet Arboles Mentirosos.
Arbolian Mentirososians,
show us what you got!
A 2, 3, 4!
[ Mid-tempo music plays]
[guitar strumming,
sour notes play]
Rick, Morty, Ice-T,
the timetable's moved up.
Earth's on
in six hours.
Like we're not already
under enough pressure?!
- Whoa! Whoa!
- [ laughs] Yeah!
Geez, Morty, the guy's just
doing his job. Take it easy.
Rick, Ice-T, could you guys
take it less easy?!
We've got six hours
to come up with a song!
Genius happens in
the moment, Morty.
Well, can we at least
go get our family?
You know, so we can
take them wis--
With u--
with us if we lose?
That's planning for
failure, Morty.
Even dumber
than regular planning.
Balls.
Morty, Morty, stop.
Listen.
There's only so much charge
left in this thing.
If we portal home
from here and back,
we're not gonna have enough
charge left to get off world.
- Get it?
- What?!
Yeah.
[ burps ] You see?
I try to shelter you
from certain realities
[burps] Morty,
because if I let you
make me nervous,
then we can't
get schwifty.
Stop saying it like
it's a thing! You made it up!
Hey, Morty,
could you lick my...
balls, balls...
Rick, cut it out!
It's not funny, Rick!
I've seen enough.
These guys are one-hit wonders.
And what's your plan,
General?
We still have
the nuclear option.
On my word,
we can launch a missile
at every one
of those heads in the sky.
Our planet's held captive
on a live game show,
and your solution
is to shoot the audience?
You can put your faith in nukes
if we gel through this, General.
Until then, I'll put mine
in Rick and Morty.
"Get Schwifty"
was a jam.
Hello?
Yes, sir, yeah.
Eh, thank you, sir.
Thank you.
He says he's proud
of what we're doing
and hopes we have
a great ascension festival!
Happy ascension!
ALL:
Happy ascension!
We should pack up
and leave town now.
I think it's inspiring that our
community is coping with fear
in a way that involves a
festival and homemade ice cream.
If you'd stop being
such an evangelical atheist,
you might
start enjoying yourself.
Whoa!
Look at you!
You're wearing the hat
and everything!
Here's yours!
Mom, do you mind
if I cook dinner tonight?
Yeah, sure.
Wait. What?
I love you guys.
You gave me life.
And it's the will
of the many Heads
that all children
honor their parents.
Dinner sounds nice.
Pardon,
Mr. And Mrs. Smith.
Summer, are you
coming to the ascension?
Father, can we please
go to the ascension?
Sure!
Let's go to the ascension.
Wh-wh-what is it?
We hereby send these
unwantables skyward
that they might be inhaled
by the many Heads,
later to be sneezed back to us
as better babies.
Headward,
free now to rise.
Oh, yes! Yes!
Rise to the giant Head!
You are free
to be free!
And squeegee comes up
from the garage, right?
But he's got a lobster
in one hand,
the movie tickets in the other,
he's like, "I'm ready!"
[ laughs ]
You gonna take a lobster
to see "Iron Man 3"?
[laughing] Ice-T!
Ah, damn.
We're out of
original-flavor Fig Newtons.
I should
get going anyway.
Wait, wait, wait!
C-come on.
H-hold on a second.
Hold on.
- What?!
- Damn.
You didn't tell me you fuck
around with portals and shit.
That's it!
[ grunts ]
Whoa, whoa, Morty!
Give me that.
You lied! You lied
about the charge!
You were
just being lazy!
Get back!
Sit down!
Morty,
just put it down.
You don't know
what you're doing.
I'm going to go
find mom and dad!
No!
Oh shit.
♪♪
[farting]
Oh shit.
And then Ethan played guitar,
and we learned
the seven contemplations
of the Head by singing them.
It was really fun.
Praise be the Head!
- BOTH: Praise be the...
- Yeah.
Hi, folks.
Head Priest Vagina.
Thanks for farming
all those potatoes.
It's 6:00 p.m,
so if you're a parent,
you're now entitled to
adoration from your children.
I'm going to
start dinner!
I don't know
what to say.
Summer
is doing really well here.
She's aced every test
in potato class,
and look how important
potatoes have become.
She's not getting pregnant or
doing drugs or missing curfew.
Please help me.
You can reach me if you try.
Please help me!
That's not our business
as long as Summer is thriving.
Taco time!
I hope it pleases you
as the Head desires.
That's wonderful,
Summer.
We're so proud of you.
But obviously you don't have to
make dinner every night.
Of course I do, silly!
[gasps]
Oh, my god, daddy!
I'm sorry I called you silly!
I'm so sorry!
Heavenly Heads
and cranial creator,
forgive my transgressions
against family and community.
May my chores complete me
as I complete them.
[ Door closes]
♪♪
Morty.
Birdperson?
You appear to be dying.
I will make efforts
to prevent this
but can promise nothing.
[groans]
[ Mid-tempo music plays]
Wh-what do you think, Ice?
Probably a little overdeveloped.
Shit, overdeveloped,
underdeveloped --
A bad song's a bad song.
Well, do you think,
maybe --
Could you give me
some help with it, or...?
Aw, hell no, man.
You do your thing,
but I can't afford to
get my pride wrapped up
in your shame.
You know what I'm saying?
Ice, I don't want to be
a negative Nelly or anything,
but [burps] if Morty doesn't
come back with my portal gun
and I eat it out there,
it's, uh, you know,
kind of your problem, too.
Pfft! I ain't worried about
no Earth blowing up, man.
What? Why not?
Yo, this is why.
What the fuck,
you can turn into ice?
My story begins
at the dawn of time
in the faraway realm
of Alphabetrium.
There, every being
is a letter of the alphabet.
But I was frozen and exiled
to the cosmos by my elders
as punishment for not
caring enough about anything.
Earth is just
one of my many stops
on a lifelong journey
with no destination.
So you better believe
I don't care if it blows up,
because I'll just be
ice floating through space,
like a comet.
Take it from me, Ice,
[burps] you can't just [burps]
Float around space
not caring about stuff forever.
Pfft.
Man, watch me.
Good luck, Rick.
Okay, things are getting
out of hand.
I better make sure
Rick has everything he needs
to get schwifty.
Oh, for god's sakes.
That's enough.
What the hell are
you doing, Nathan?!
I'm the goddamn President
of the United fucking States!
I'm setting the nuclear
option to launch
one minute
into Earth's performance.
And you,
Mr. President...
I hope you like being
hit in the face with a gun.
Wait, wait, wait.
Why -- why --
I believe I can access
the history of Rick's gun
and help you
get back to him.
But can you help me
get to my family?
You know,
at -- at my house?
Is your intention
to abandon Rick
using his own portal gun?
In Bird culture,
this is considered a dick move.
All of Rick's moves
are dick moves!
What --
what am I eating?
Wh-what is this,
bird-- birdseed?
It is random debris.
I found it in my carpet.
I don't know
what humans eat.
You know
what this human eats.
Don't be gross,
Tammy.
Bird dick.
Tammy, gross.
Birdperson,
you always stick up for Rick,
but he doesn't care about
anyone but himself.
He doesn't think about
the consequences
of anything he does.
And as a result,
he has the power
to save or destroy
entire worlds.
And he is the reason
you and I know each other...
and the reason
I'm alive at all.
♪♪
What's that?
Who's that baby?
Morty, suppose you could
retrieve your family from Earth
but had to
abandon Rick.
I could give your loved ones
shelter on Birdworld,
even jobs,
possibly as worm ranchers.
How often do you think
you might look up at the stars
and wonder
what might have been
had you just
put your faith in Rick?
HEAD:
That was Chunkytunk with
"Full Ming Mong,
Empty Gorbdork."
Up next, planet Earth!
Oh, god!
We're up?!
PRINCIPAL: Jerry and Beth,
your family is a golden example
of what Headism
has to offer the world.
- The world?
- Headism is a hit.
We're taking it worldwide,
and we'd like Jerry to be
our church's
Head of advertising.
You would?
Beth, we'd like to promote you
from horse surgeon
straight past human surgeon
to Headof medicine.
That's my dream!
That's my dream.
Thank you.
This is all so overwhelming.
Em, uh...
we can't.
- Absolutely not.
I'm sorry?
We've been waiting
16 years
for our daughter
to respect us,
but the key is,
it has to be our daughter,
not this person
she's become.
We'll take our chances
raising her
without fancy new jobs,
outside of
a potato-based religion.
And you know what? l-l'm sick of
pretending that we're together
because of the kids
in the first place.
I married you because
you're the love of my life.
And I'm lucky to have you,
and I never tell you that!
You know, we will come out
of this stronger as a family.
Please don't do this!
Please don't do this!
- Summer!
- Summer, listen carefully.
I stole a paper clip,
and I have it in my cheek,
but I don't know what to do
with it, and it hurts.
You're going to
be okay.
You will come back
as babies.
I am a baby!
I'm a baby now!
Hello?
Is anybody here?
[ Muffled shouting ]
Mr. President!
[gasps]
This is Bluebird!
Code Tango Niner Alpha!
Abort launch!
Abort! Hello?
He's blocked me out.
Sir, I need to
get to the stage
and help Rick
get Schwifty!
It won't matter
how Schwifty you get, Morty.
The General's got nukes
set to launch
halfway through
Earth's song!
Oh, my god!
Uh, c-can you fly a Black Hawk?
Can the Pope's dick
fit through a doughnut?
Uh, I'm...not sure.
Exactly.
Show me what you got!
- [techno beat plays]
- [ clears throat]
Uh...
♪ Lapoo lapoo lapoo dops ♪
♪ Napoo napoo napoo nots ♪
Headward,
free now to rise.
Hey,
look at the Heads!
Looks like
the Heads are getting angry!
PRESIDENT:
I'm really bad at this, Morty!
There are way too many buttons
in this thing!
Mr. President,
if I've learned one thing today
it's that sometimes
you have to not give a fuck.
♪ Napoo napoo nots ♪
Ugh.
Tough crowd.
I'm sure that has --
that has nothing
to do with this.
[ Heads booing ]
The Heads
are displeased!
Summer!
Um...
[ booing continues]
Morty!
HEADS:
Hooray!
Hooray! Look!
Hooray!
The Heads love this!
They love it when we don't
kill the Smith family!
No!
Stop that!
You're not allowed to interpret
the will of the Heads!
Call off the nuclear strike!
This is the President!
Stop
the nuclear missile launch!
Just launch
the missiles!
[ Pbht! pbht! ]
Boo! Not cool!
I'm the only one
that speaks to the Heads!
Disqualified!
The Heads disqualified Vagina!
Get him!
Disqualified!
Disqualified!
♪♪
ALL:
Ice-T?!
That's right.
It's me -- Ice-T.
I care now.
You made me care more.
With all due respect,
I'd like to hear what
Rick and Morty have to play.
What do you say,
Rick?
I say,
let's do it!
[techno beat plays ]
- HEADS: Hooray!
Yeah.
All right.
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
- Uh-huh.
Here we go.
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Say it with me ♪
♪ Head bent over ♪
♪ Raised up posterior ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Head bent over ♪
♪ Yeah, raised up posterior ♪
Sing it
with me now!
Oh, my go--
♪ Head bent over ♪
Yeah.
♪ Raised up posterior ♪
All right!
♪ Head bent over ♪
Oh, yeah.
Raised up posterior!
After 988 seasons
of "Planet Music,"
the Cromulons have decided to
declare Earth the final winner
and bring our musical
reality show to a conclusion.
Goodbye.
[ pbht! ]
- Yeah!
- We did it! Yes!
Let's get
a music album now!
Did he just say
"Musical Reality Show"?
Yeah, it's possible that
we may have been correlating
some things that weren't
actually related at all.
Help!
We should
go get him.
[cheers and applause]
I hope I can call on you and
Rick again if I need you, Morty.
Sure thing.
And I --
I was kind of hoping that I
could get a selfie with you?
Actually, if you try to
tell anyone what happened here,
we'll deny it
and probably worse.
Understood.
D-i-i-i-i-ie!
Oh, no, no, no!
Why didn't
he turn into a snake?
Trade secret,
Mr. President.
Particle beam
in a wristwatch,
snake holster
on the leg.
[snake hissing, rattling]
[ Whistles ]
[ Iaughs ]
I love this man!
♪♪
Magnesium-J,
Hydrogen-F...
Father.
Word of your selfless acts
on the Earth planet
have traveled
across the galaxy.
I have changed.
I am ready to rejoin my brethren
on Alphabetrium.
Very well.
Your exile ends today.
Welcome home,
Water-T.
[ Explosion, rumbling ]
The Numbericons!
They're attacking!
Battle stations!
Aah!
Father!
I love you, son.
I should have never
turned you to ice.
Water-T,
where are you going?!
There's too many
of them!
Then I better
crunch the numbers.
- Aaaaaaaaaaaah!
[ gunfire ]
[screaming ]
MAN:
Did you get any of that?
MAN:
It's-a good show-a.