Rick and Morty (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 10 - The Wedding Squanchers - full transcript

JERRY: The trick to cereal is
keeping 70% above the milk.

Jerry, get a job.
[ knock on door]

Uh, w-why
don't you get it, Jerry?

You're the man of the house,
and you don't have a job.

[signs]

Delivery for Rick.

Morning, Summer, Beth,
and Jerry.

- Gross. What is that thing?
- It's a courier flap.

It's like the intergalactic
version of UPS,

but less off-putting.

Oh, shiiit!



It looks like an egg-vite
from Birdperson.

Must be time
for his annual Oscar party.

And, by the way,
our TV signals take light years

to reach his planet.

Nobody tell him
that "Braveheart" wins.

[ Music plays] Greetings.
This is Birdperson.

And Tammy!

Inviting you
to planet Squanch for

our mate-melding ceremony --
- Blugh!

[ muffled ]
/f you 're from Earth,

that means
we're getting married!

Oh, my god! My friend Tammy's
marrying Birdperson!

What the hell
is a Birdperson?

He's Rick's best
friend.



Uh, l-let's not
get carried away, Morty.

Would you like to RSVP
or send a gift?

No. Weddings are basically
funerals with cake.

If I wanted to watch someone
throw their life away,

[burps]
I'd hang out with Jerry all day.

Affirmative!
Returning to sender.

No, hold on, stay,
courier flaps.

- Staying!
- Dad, you have a friend...

that's getting married.
That's a big deal.

It's a big deal
he has a friend.

What do you know
about friendship, Jerry?

Confirmed,
shipping Jerry.

- Whoa, whoa, wait! Aah!
- Oh, god! Jerry!

- Dad!
- Dad!

Where is it
taking him?

I assume
planet Squanch --

6,000 light years
across the galaxy.

Whoa, t-that's --
That's insane!

Yeah, I know. Now we have
to go to the wedding.

♪♪

[upbeat music playing]

[ bottles rattling ]

Rick Sanchez!

You psycho bag
of squanch!

Hey, what's up,
Squanchy?

- Hey, Squanchy.
- Morty, Summer!

And you must be Beth.

Mwah!
Ensquanche!

Your language has the word
"squanch" in it a lot.

Doesn't that become
tedious and worn out,

like the Smurf thing?

Beth, Squanchy culture
is more contextual than literal.

Just say what's in your
squanch and people understand.

Oh. Okay.

I squanch my family.

- Uh...
- What? I do.

I squanch my family.
- Stop saying it. Gross.

Come on in, guys.

The guest are having
cocksquanches.

[groaning ]

[gasps]

Where am I?!
- You're at a wedding.

Go change.

♪ And I'm an alien
with jazz rap style ♪

♪ Jazz rapping
for an alien mile ♪

♪ Fat beats and an alien
smile ♪

♪ Jazz space phone,
alien dial is my friend ♪

♪ I got a mouthful of jazz
for your ass ♪

[ crying ]

♪ And I'm gonna keep
jazzing ♪

[ both squealing ]
Oh, you made it!

I wouldn't miss it
for the world!

Oh, my god.
I love your ring.

Thanks. It was
Birdperson's grandmother's.

She fought
a squirrel for it.

Birdperson.

Rick, I am pleased
you and your family

could witness my melding
with Tammy.

Our pleasure.

Yeah, I just hope
you got a pre-meld.

- Rick!
- What?! It's just a practical

way of making sure that
when she's done with you,

you can get
one of your balls back.

- Jesus, Dad.
- He's grumpy from the flight.

Ohh, I-l was happy
on the flight.

I'm grumpy
from the landing.

[sighs ] Well, I looked
at the guest book.

We don't know
a damn person here.

Hi! Jerry Smith --
Father of the bride's friend.

Advertising is my usual game,
but I'm between --

Jerry, stop networking.
We're in space.

-Jerry, get a job!

Jerry, don't look for a job
at an alien wedding!"

I don't get you.
- This is the closest...

I've ever gotten to this part
of my father's life.

I don't want
to blow it.

Okay, I get it.
I'm cramping your style.

You say you get it, but
I'm scared you'll keep doing it.

Look, here's some humans
you can practice on.

You must be
Summer's mom and dad.

We're Tammy's parents --
Pat and Donna Guterman.

Hi. Beth.
This is Jerry.

So your teenage daughter's
marrying a Birdman.

Are you guys
down with that?

[ Chuckles ]
No pun intended.

We're quite proud.

He's a wonderful person
and an incredible Bird.

Still, what is he, 40?
[chuckles]

It's just, you know,

when he was 30,
she was an actual child.

When he was her age,
she wasn't born.

When he was,
let's see, like, 18,

she was literally
in there in your womb.

Imagine being pregnant
with your daughter

and a Bird teenager
comes into your home and says,

"I'll take that.
I'll have sex with that."

[ both chuckle ]
Give us one second.

Were you born with your feet
in your mouth?

I was transported here
against my will in a meatball, all right.

So take your attitude
to the men's section of KMart,

'cause you need to cut me
some slack...s.

I want you to stand
in the corner

and face the corner
and talk to nobody.

Maybe... I... will.

You know, you're not being
very supportive

of Birdperson
on his big day.

Birdperson's big day,
Morty,

was at Blood Ridge
on Glapflap's third moon

against
the Gromflamites!

This?
This is a losing battle.

Geez, Rick,
it's not like he's dying.

He's getting married!

I mean, what do you thinks
gonna happen

if you open yourself up
a little bit?

I mean, look around.

This is your family and friends
all around you, you know?

Take the day off.

There's nothing to run from,
nothing to fight.

[ Whistles ]
That's his last name.

Are you
hyphenating it?

Squanch this, mo-Fo.

[ Both laugh ]

Good one, Morty.
Excuse me, bartender.

Can you make me
a dumb grandson pep talk?

It's one part lame advice about
stuff you know nothing about

and a lot of vodka.

Mm-Hmm.
I have a lot of vodka.

Then I'll take
one of those.

I don't need the rest.

God, whatever, Rick.

It sounds like you and my dad
have a long history together.

Wish I could say
the same.

The road your father and I
walked together

is soaked deeply with the blood
of both friends and enemies.

Must be nice.

Um, I used to
have to draw him

into family photos
with a crayon.

The war in which we fought
is far from over.

We live our lives
in hiding.

I guess I should
be happy for you.

I mean, great,
you guys got to hang out.

I hope you had
a blast.

The galactic government
considers us terrorists.

It's unwise of me
to share these details,

but I've
become inebriated.

I don't know
if you can appreciate

what it means to grow up
without a father, but --

The guest list
at this wedding

includes 17 of the Federation's
most wanted.

We have committed
numerous atrocities

in the name of freedom.

Annnd during that time,

I don't suppose he
ever mentioned his daughter.

Are those baby quiches?

Night crawler pate.

I should prepare
for the ceremony.

Like talking
to a brick wall.

[squawking]

In the name of the squanch,
the six rivers,

the four squanches,
and the nine balls,

I unite these two organisms
in eternal squanch!

Tammy, you may
squanch your vows now.

Birdperson...
[inhales sharply]

You are my seed,
my worm, my earliness,

and my lack of cats.

I promise to be yours
until your death.

- Nice!
- ALL: Aww!

Birdperson.

Tammy, I was approaching
infertility when I met you,

but there is still time.

I am yours
until my death.

ALL: Aww!

[ Burping ]
Aww.

I now pronounce you
Squanch and Birdperson!

[cheers and applause
and profane kissing ]

I Girl, you got it going on P

[children laughing]

[ Monotone ]
I am not staring at you.

I am a cyborg photographer.
Just act natural.

This is a candid shot.

I don't require
a camera so --

Sorry.

Hi.
lam not staring at you...

[ screams ]

[ Clinking ]

Uh, hi, everybody.

I'm Ri[burps]ck.

You know, when I first
met Birdperson, he was, uhh...

Listen, I'm not the nicest guy
in the universe

because I'm the smartest.

And being nice is something
stupid people do

to hedge their bets.

Now, I haven't been
exactly subtle

about how little
I trust marriage.

I couldn't make it work,

and I could turn a black hole
into a sun,

so at a certain point,
you got to ask yourself

what are the odds
this is legit

and not just some big lie
we're all telling ourselves

because we're afraid
to die alone?

Because, you know, that's
exactly how we all die -- alone.

- Oh, boy.
- Oh, Dad.

Jesus.

But -- But...
here's the thing.

Birdperson is my best friend,

and if he loves Tammy, well,
then I love Tammy, too.

[cheers and applause]

To friendship, to love, and
to my greatest adventure yet --

Opening myself up
to others.

SUMMER: Hear, hear!
Cheers!

Cheers to that,
motherfucker!

Thank you, Rick.
That was beautiful.

Gosh, I look around this room,
and I think,

"Uh, Tammy,
you're a high-School senior

from the planet Earth,
and you're marrying

a 40-year-old Birdperson?
Like, what?!"

I laughter 1

Yeah, Tammy!

But then I think, you know,
in a lot of ways,

I'm not a high-School senior
from the planet Earth.

In a lot of ways,
what I really am

is a deep-cover agent
for the Galactic Federation,

and you guys are
a group of wanted criminals,

and this entire building is,
in a certain sense, surrounded.

- [all murmur]
- Oh, shit.

- I... don't get the metaphor.
- I'll explain it to you later.

Everyone here is
under arrest

for crimes
against the Federation.

L'chaim!

- Tammy, what are you doing?
- Sit your Bird ass down.

Tammy?

[ Cawing weakly]

Birdpersonl!
No!!

[screaming ]

Holy --

[beep]
Drop the portal gun.

Slide it to
the center of the room.

[ Beeping ]

Somebody confiscate that
and don't damage it.

They'll want it at --

[whooshing ]

[high-pitched ringing
and muffled background ]

[sighs, roars]

There's no time
to squanch!

Get your family
out of here!

I got this.

[gulps]

[roaring]

[deep voice] How about a taste
of my squanch?!

[growling ]

Come on, this way!

Squanch this!

[engine turns over]

Good thing I grabbed
a space weapon.

RICK: That's a confetti gun,
you fucking idiot!

- SUMMER: Dad!
- RICK: Hold on tight!

Aaahh!!

Aaaah!!

[sirens wailing]

Goddamn it!
Goddamn it!!

What the hell happened
back there?!

This is on you guys.
I told you weddings are stupid.

Uh, Rick, is there anything
you'd like to tell us

about your relationship

with this previously unknown
galactic government?

All the important points
seem pretty clear, no?

They think they control
the galaxy, I disagree.

Don't hate the player,
hate the game, son.

How could you be so dishonest
with this family?

Oh! Oh, should I have been
more open and trusting

and loving like,
oh, I don't know,

my now dead best friend?
Or your daughter,

who is BFFs
with an intergalactic narc?

Hey, Tammy was cool!

- And now we know why.
- Because of you!

Fuck you, Summer,
and fuck the government,

and fuck me
for letting my guard down,

which I will never
do again.

Geez, Rick!

You can't say f--
"'F' you" to your granddaughter.

I just did, Morty.
Here's dessert. Fuck you.

Look, I think we've all had
a tough wedding.

Actually,
the wedding was beautiful.

The reception got
out of hand.

Anyway, I say we go home,
sleep it off,

and have a family meeting
in the morning.

Yeah, about going home,
we can't -- ever.

ALL:
What?!

Oh, these guys are
looking for us now.

Earth will be swarming
with them.

Us?!

- Jerry --
- I want to go home!

Look, anyone that wants
to go back to Earth is free to.

But here's
what's gonna happen.

Alien bureaucrats are gonna
arrest you.

They're gonna put
the intergalactic equivalent

of [burps] jumper cables
under your nuts and or labia

and hook them up
to an alien car battery

until you tell them
where I am --

Which I guarantee you,
you're not gonna know,

which I guarantee
they won't believe.

So who's homesick?
By applause.

- [sobbing ]
- Ladies? Anybody?

What are we going to do?
Where are we going to live?

Take it easy.
This is a blessing in disguise.

Fuck Earth.

You realize our planet's name
means dirt, right?

We'll find a new world.

Computer, how many planets
in the Milky Way

are at least 90% similar
to Earth?

[ Beeping ]
FEMALE VOICE: 765 known planets.

How many of those are outside
federal jurisdiction?

[ Beeping ]
Three.

See?
Our cup runneth over.

Now, who wants
to go shopping

for a brand-new
motherfucking world?!

All right!

RICK:
Look at this baby!

Would you even know
that wasn't Earth?

MORTY: Yes, because
there's no Africa.

RICK: Pssh. White people
problems, Morty.

Let's go down
and check her out.

[thud, water splashing]

Oh. I thought
it was further away.

I uh... I guess this one's
a little small.

All right, uh, maybe --

Maybe we should go check out
the other two, huh?

Okay,
this one's bigger.

This looks nice.

Mom, Dad, look!

Strawberries on a cob!

[munching ]

Whoa!
Hey, check this out!

Flowers on a cob!
[ laughs ]

Huh. Strawberries and flowers
on a cob, huh?

That's pretty cool.

Are those...
mountains on a cob?

[ Birds cawing ]

RICK: Oh, my god.

Get in the ship, sweetie.
- What?

Get in
the goddamn ship!!

Everything's on a cob!!

The whole planet's on a cob!!
Go, go, go!!

[engine turns over]

[ Burps ] All right,
third time's the charm.

See what we got here.

Seems good.

And nothing
on the cob.

Didn't know that was
a necessity, but...

No, it's nice.
I think this might be it.

Wow!

The sun's rising.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!!

Uh, Dad, how long are the days
on this planet?

Uh, computer, how long
are the days on this planet?

[screaming continues]

42 hours.

All right, well,
those are the two choices,

'cause cob planet is
off the table.

Now let's take a vote.

MAN: Well, it's official.

The obscure planet
known as Earth,

formerly the hiding place
of interstellar terrorist

and fugitive Rick Sanchez,

has just become
the 6,048th planet

to join
the Galactic Federation.

The plucky little ball
of water and dirt,

which is where
it gets its name,

is dominated by seven billion
primate-descended natives

who love to eat spaghetti
and pray to kangaroos.

Spaghetti, kangaroos?
I've gotta check this place out.

[both laugh]
Well, you can.

Contact the Ministry of Tourism
for details.

Up next,
teenagers are calling it

[growls and squeals]

And it's not
what you think.

What are you --
What did you do that for?

Dramatic effect.

Good morning, family.
Oh, do I smell bacon?

Yes, we discovered
a species of tiny pig

off the coast
of New Australia

about 30 yards east.
- Or 300 yards west.

We'd offer you some,

but we hunted it to extinction
for breakfast.

Well, I thought
I'd walk to the South Pole

and do a little bit
of exploring.

If you guys need me,
just yell

or throw something
so hard

that it goes around the world
and hits me.

[ Door shuts ]
Okay, now that he's gone,

can we please talk about
our situation?

Dad, you can't talk about people
behind their back.

You know,
it's a small world.

Please,
he's in the South Pole!

And we need to have
a serious conversation.

[ Insects chirping]

[thunder rumbles]

[wind howling]

South Pole discovered,
baby!

Ohhhh!

Oh fuck! An ice cave?

Shit!

Things just keep on
getting better.

Wow, it's
the planet's core.

JERRY: I'm just saying,

we keep acting
like there's only two options,

but there's not.

So, yes, if we went
back to Earth,

as long as Rick was out there,
they'd wanna interrogate us.

But, and this is
purely hypothetical,

what if we turned your father in
to the government?

Jerry, so help me god,

if you ever bring this up again,
no more bacon.

There already
is no more bacon!

This world sucks!
Our life sucks!

Why are we doing this
for someone

that would never do anything
for anyone but himself?

MORTY:
That's not the point, Dad!

We love Rick...
f-for the most part.

SUMMER: Yeah, you don't love
people in hopes of a reward,

Dad, you love them
unconditionally.

That's very good, kids.
I'm proud of you.

Okay, so let me
get this straight.

For the rest
of your lives,

no matter
how much it hurts you,

no matter how much it
destroys our children's futures,

we're gonna do whatever
Rick wants, whenever he wants?

- ALL: Yes.
- Why?!

Because I don't want him to
leave again, you dumb asshole!!

Hey. Uh...

I was gonna hope over
to the Gloppydrop system,

get some ice cream.

You -- You want me
to come with?

Don't you need my brain waves
for camouflage or something?

I'll be okay.
Bye, Morty.

Rick?

You're not leaving,
right?

Yeah, I am.
To get ice cream.

So, you're
coming back?

Morty, if you go to where
there's a bunch of ice cream

and then
you don't come back,

you haven't
actually gotten ice cream,

you've just gone
where ice cream is.

Rick, I can handle it
if you go,

but you'll
break Mom's heart.

And I won't forgive you
for that.

Where's the van,
Morty?

It's over the horizon
in the driveway.

[engine turns over]

♪ I hurt myself today ♪

[dialing]

[ Woman speaking gibberish]

For English, press 2.

[ beep ]
Connecting to agent.

WOMAN:
Ongoing investigations.

Uh, hi, my name is Jerry Smith,
I'm from planet Earth.

I know the whereabouts
of Rick Sanchez,

the wanted criminal.

Hold on!
[ ringing]

This is
Special Agent Gribbles.

You have a tip
about Rick Sanchez?

Yeah, he kidnapped me
and my family,

and he left us
on Dwarf Terrace-9.

He said he was gonna
go to the Plimplom Tavern.

And listen.
- Yes?

I'm doing what's right
for the galaxy by calling you,

so if we come back to Earth, can
my family have a normal life?

We only want Sanchez, sir.
Your family will be fine.

Nice. Thank you.

I'm Jerry Smith,

and I love sucking big,
sweaty boners

and licking disgusting
furry testicle sacks.

Uh... okay.

♪ What have I become ♪

♪ My sweetest friend ♪

♪ Everyone I know ♪

♪ Goes away in the end ♪

♪ You could have it all ♪

- He's not coming back, is he?
- MORTY: No.

♪ My empire of dirt ♪

Hey, look, cops.

♪ I will let you down ♪
- Good morning.

♪ I will make you hurt ♪

How long will you be
visiting Earth?

Oh, we live here.

We were just off-planet
for a wedding.

Go that way.

[tires screech, beeping ]

I have processed
that you are in in distress

and have proscribed
antidepressants.

Compliments of
the Galactic Federation.

I feel better.

Your debt is
7,000 Fed credits.

Report to
the Ministry of Employment

and you will be assigned
a function.

Honey! I got a job!

♪ You could have it all ♪

Sorry, I am not staring at you,
I am taking your mug shot.

♪ My empire of dirt ♪

♪ I will let you down ♪

♪ I will make
you hurt ♪

Hey, what are you
in for?

Everything.

♪♪

Hoo-Whee,
what a cliffhanger.

Oh, boy, oh, my!

That's a real crazy ending,
huh?

Hi, I'm Mr. Poopybutthole
from episode 204.

[groans]
As you can see,

I'm still recovering
from the bullet shot

that I got from Beth.

Remember that one?
Ooh-Whee!

- [ Meowing ]
- Come and get it, kitty.

You know, these little fellows
help me get through the day.

[gulping]

Ooh-whee.

Oh, whoo-whee!
Feels better.

[doorbell rings]

I got a large pepperoni
and some crazy sticks.

Hey, what did you think
of that finale, huh?

Mm! You think the Smith family
is gonna be okay?

Yeah, I don't know
what you're talking about, bro.

Your total is $12.37.

Whoo-Whee! You think
Rick's gonna get out off jail?

Whoo-Whee, you think
the family's gonna rescue him?

Hey, what the fuck?!
Get the fuck off me!

[ Iaughing
and saying "ooh-whee!"]

Ow!

Tune in to "Rick and Morty"
season three in,

like, a year and a half...

or longer
to see how we unravel this mess.

Ooh-Whee!

Oh, my god!

Did you get any of that?

It's-a good-a show!