Rick and Morty (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - A Rickle in Time - full transcript

[vacuum running ]

Hurry up, Morty.

Grandpa's about
to un-freeze time.

You really should be cleaning
from top to bottom.

I know how to vacuum mom
and dad, Summer.

I've been doing it
for six months.

Then you've been doing it
wrong for six months.

Oh, my god,
is that mildew?

It's not my fault we froze
time on a humid day.

You have dropped
so many balls, man.

Do you ever get scared
Grandpa Rick



might make me
his new sidekick?

What?!
What kind of monster are you?

A competent one.

Who cares about the [burps]
things you guys are

talking about?

[burps ] the whole point
of freezing time was to

stop giving a fuck.
Put a shirt on your dumb dad,

and let's get
this dumb universe rolling.

Let's do this thing.

All right, listen,
you two.

We froze time
for a pretty long time,

so when I un-freeze it,

the world's time
is gonna be fine,

but our time's
gonna need a little time



to, you know, stabilize.

Our time
is gonna be unstable?

What does that
even mean?

It means relax
and stop being a pussy, Morty.

Uh, I thought
you learned that by now.

It also means
don't touch your parents,

or we could shatter into
countless theoretical shards.

- Wait a minute, what?
- And away we go!

[ Device warbles ]

♪♪

Um...did we ever put
that mattress under Mr. Benson?

- Shhh.
- Shush, Marty.

...a thing or two about --
Wait, what?

Was the house --
when we pulled up,

I could have sworn the house
was completely trashed.

Negative visualization,
Jerry.

Explains a lot
about where you're at.

- Hi, sweetie.
- Hi, dad.

Summer, Morty,
are you okay?

We -- we just
missed you a lot.

Yeah,
we missed you so much.

Too much to hug you,
though.

Yeah, it would
literally destroy them.

Now, listen, why don't --
why don't -- wh-why don't --

why don't you guys go
get a free Sunday ice cream?

Get out there
and get some ice creams.

Here's $500 cash
in unmarked monies.

I'm just gonna put it
on the floor

and kick it on over to ya.

- You guys go nuts.
- This better not be a bribe.

If I find a single thing
out of place in this house,

my love of ice cream
won't save you.

I'll get my jacket.

Sweetie, is your shirt
on backwards?

[all gasp]

Yeah.
I like it this way.

I'm not stupid.

- Phew!
- Oh.

Man, that guy
is the Redgren Grumbholdt

of pretending he knows
what's going on.

[Rick and Summer laugh]

- Oh, you agree, huh?
- It's funny.

You like that Redgren Grumbholdt
reference?

Yeah.

Well, guess what?
I made him up.

You really are
your father's children.

Think for yourselves.
Don't be sheep.

[ Dramatic electronic music plays ]

[ Electricity crackles ]

God, I feel terrible.

Yep, it really makes
you appreciate

how fickle
the Universe can be.

One minute you're falling
off a roof for six months,

the next minute, bam!

Uh, just to be clear,
it was Summer's job

to put the mattress under --

Uh, what?
It was your job, Morty.

- Nuh-uh!
- Yuh-huh!

Actually, sorry, Summer.

I got to back the "M" bomb
on this one.

I remember
the conversation.

We told Morty to replace all
the bank's money with cookies.

Your job was to put the
mattress under Mr. Benson.

Boom!
In your face, Summer!

You really dropped
the ball, man.

Shut up, Morty,
you vindictive little turd!

You shut up,
you big female asshole!

[ Warbles ]
Hey, don't shove me!

- I didn't!
- You didn't what?

- What's your problem'?
- What's yours?

- Shut up!
- You shut up!

[rumbling ]
- Wh-whoa, whoa!

What the [echoing] hell, hell,
hell, hell, hell?

[echoing] Oh, god. Oh, no.
What did you guys just do?

- What did who do?
- What do you mean?

Wait, what am I saying?
- [ burps ] Were either

of you guys uncertain
about anything just now?

Oh, man,
I don't feel good.

- Am I me?
- Am I talking right now?

- I think so.
- Wait, who said that?

All right,
both of you just don't move.

Don't speak, don't think.
I have to check something.

- What'd you do, Morty?
- I'm gonna help grandpa.

I'll see if
he needs help.

What do you mean you're
gonna help him?

[ scoffs ]
I can help, too.

- What's happening, Grandpa?
- What's going on, Rick?

Sh-sh-shut up.

Oh, crap, are you kidding me?
Two dots?

This never needs to be
more than one dot.

The two of you made us
uncertain!

- What are you talking about?
- What's that mean?

- English, please.
- English?

Our time is fractured --
you two somehow created

a feedback look of uncertainty
that split our reality

into two equally possible
impossibilities.

W-we're exactly like a man
capable of sustaining

a platonic friendship with
an attractive female co-worker.

We're entirely hypothetical.

But I thought there were
infinite time lines?

We're not
on any time line, dummy.

Look.
[ cat meows ]

Oh, my god!

SUMMER:
Are those cats?

I assume
they're Schrodinger's cats.

Or, actually, I assume

they both are and aren't,
just like us.

- Is the world gone?
- ls the world gone?

- Where are mom and dad?
- What about mom and dad?

Mom and dad? Get your head
out of your family's ass.

The three of us are lost
in a timeless oblivion.

Your parents get to exist.

They're probably living it up
in some pointless,

grounded story
about their shitty marriage.

JERRY:
Cold stone creamery is the best.

What should we do
with our remaining $20?

You realize they sing
no matter how much you tip?

- Whoa!
- Aaah!

Holy shit.

- What happened?
- I hit a deer.

We -- we have to tell
the cops you were driving.

- What?
- This is rum raisin!

It's still alive.

Well, do we -- do I, uh,
get, uh, a big rock, or...?

It's not
an armadillo, asshole.

I thought that's what
a man's supposed to say.

It's not like
I could've actually done it.

If we were near a hospital,
I could treat it,

but I --
I think we have to just...

It's okay. This is
just something that happens.

And even if we were
in a hospital, what could we do?

You're a horse surgeon,
not a deer surgeon.

So...?

Well,
don't different animals...

require different levels
of skill to keep alive?

- Oh, god.
Get the deer in the car, Jerry.

Yes, Beth.

This is why you
don't freeze time, you guys.

It's incredibly
irresponsible.

And you did it so we could clean
the house after a party?

Look, there's no time
to hold me accountable, Morty.

Like, literally no time.
Look around.

Uncertainty
is inherently unsustainable.

Eventually, everything
either is or isn't.

And we've got about
four hours to be "ls."

- Or...?
- We isn't.

All right, since this time
crystal exists in both

possibilities,

and since it's impossible
that I didn't nail this,

I'm probably about
to press this button

in both possibilities
at exactly the same time.

- How do you know --
- How do you know that --

Whatever your asking me,
the answer is I'm amazing.

And away we go.

[warbling ]

Huh, what do you know.
It's working.

- Ow, ow, ow!
- Oh shit.

What the hell
is wrong with you two?

I-I-I-I mean you four!

BOTH:
That hurt! That was painful.

Good, I'm glad it was painful.
You deserve it.

I saw you. Y-you're both [burps]
all over the damn place.

We've been split for
20 minutes and your lives

are already scattered
to the quantum fucking wind?

What the hell do
either of you two

have to be so uncertain about?
Your brand of zit cream?

Which chair to sit in
while I do everything?

Come on, spit it out!

Well, you don't exactly
make it easy, Rick.

You make fun of me
all the time...

You're always picking on me...
...and now Summer's doing it.

...and now you got Summer
to kiss your ass.

Me?! What about you'?

You're just as mean to me
because you're jealous...

could you get more excited
to see me fail?

Because you want grandpa
all to yourself!

All right, all right, cool it.
I see what's happening here.

You're both young,
you're both unsure

about your place
in the universe,

and you both want
to be Grandpa's favorite.

I can fix this.
Morty, sit here.

Summer, you sit here.
Now, listen.

I know the two of you
are very different

from each other
in a lot of ways,

but you have to understand

that as far
as Grandpa's concerned,

you're both pieces
of shit. Yeah.

I can prove it
mathematically.

Actually, l-l-let me
grab my white board.

This has been
a long time coming, anyway.

[tires screech ]

Emergency!
Wounded deer coming in.

[air hissing]
- Three.

Excuse me,
you can't be back here.

I'm a certified
horse surgeon,

and this deer
needs medical attention.

- Nurse, please move that snake.
- That's my nurse.

And as a horse surgeon,
I'm sure that you know

that deer have much smaller,
much more intricate organs.

As a vet, I'm sure you know
that a deer

is closer to a horse
than you are to a doctor.

So let's save the measuring
for when our dicks are out.

- It's time to save a life!
- Geez.

[ Grunts, sighs]

That's odd.
This deer's wounded.

Uh, yeah, I was there.
You don't have to rub it in.

I mean it's been shot
with a gun.

MAN:
My gun.

May I help you, sir?

No, but you can stop
helping this deer.

I shot it before these two
hit it with their car,

and I followed them
when they hauled it off.

This deer belongs
to me.

[ Sighs ] We don't have
time for this, okay?

I need anaesthetic
and deer saline.

Look, I don't know what
the law says about this,

but I took an oath that I would
let no animal come to harm.

Except when sterilizing,
aborting, or euthanizing them,

or also when eating them
at also any meal.

I'm calling my lawyer.

I hope for all our sakes
you're as bad a surgeon

as I am a hunter.

In your dreams, bitch.
Scalpel.

So, in conclusion,
you're both equally mercurial,

overly sensitive, clingy,

hysterical,
bird-brained homunculi.

And I honestly can't even tell
the two of you apart

half the time

because I don't go
by height or age,

I go by amount
of pain in my ass,

which makes you
both identical.

All right,
everything resolved?

Everybody nice and certain about
their position in my world.

BOTH:
- Yes.

All right, perfect.
Sit still.

[burps ] arms down.
I'm gonna do this again.

This time be
like Grandpa.

You mean drunk?

What's that?
You got something to say?

- No.
- And away we go!

And away we go!

- Huh, that's weird.
- Huh, that's weird.

[ Button clicking ]

- Oh, my god.
- What?

The son of a bitch
is gonna kill me!

What?!

The son of a bitch
is gonna kill me!

What?!

Diabolical,
unfeeling sociopath.

- Don't you get it?!
- don't you get it?!

The other Rick isn't trying
to merge us anymore.

He thinks
he can save his own skin

by using the
crystal to kill me.

He probably figures
it's [belches] easier

to eliminate one
of the possibilities

rather than merge them.

[ Iaughs ]
I have to admit,

it was always in the back
of my mind, too.

The difference is
I would never do it, until now.

Rick, what the hell
are you doing?

Saving our lives!

After he takes me out, he's --
he's gonna be coming for you.

- Who?
- Me!

[gunshot]
- Aah!

- Whoa!
- You see that? Get down!

I told you, he's a psycho.
He's lost it!

Th-th-th-the time fracture
must have made him crazy!

- I don't know what to do!
- Oh, crap!

- I don't know what to do!
[ rumbling ]

[ Device beeps ]

Oh, god,
now there's three of them.

We're outnumbered.
Get in the cupboards.

Wait, don't --
don't do that.

They'll know.
Wait, wait.

Think about getting in
the cupboards, but don't really.

[gunshots]
[screams]

Is this what you want,
you sick fuck?!

You want to see
children die?!

You son of a bitch.

You don't stop living
until I say so!

- Michael.

- Who's this now?
- My lawyer.

I'm here to notify you, ma'am,
that in this county,

any deer shot
by a hunter

is that hunter's property
regardless of how far it runs

or who intercepts it
before it dies.

It's called Brad's law.

We can't make you
stop the surgery,

but at this point,
you're performing it on venison.

Actually,
I've decided not to eat it.

All this fear and conflict --
I'm sure it's ruined the meat.

I'm just gonna use the head
for my rec-room wall.

She normally works
on horses.

Jerry, if you're not gonna help,
get the fuck out of here.

I will reach into heaven

and yank your screaming
deer soul back!

Jesus.

Shh, shh!

I know where you are,
you creepy old monster.

I know how you think.

Oh, is there where
you think I'm going?

You think I'm standing here?

Well, maybe you're right.

[Morty grunts]
[Rick groans]

SUMMER:
Holy shit. Now what?

Well, if all of me
knocked out all the Ricks,

and you peed
in all of your pants,

doesn't that mean
that we're all synchronized?

- Right.
- Okay.

So, from now on, whatever we do,
we have to be certain.

Right.

I think I'm certain
we're effed in the

Oh, god, my head.

[groans]
What did you guys do?

We put you in a dog crate
because you were acting crazy

and you caused
another time fracture.

You tried to
kill yourself.

O-only
in self-defense.

Myself tried
to kill me first.

Guys, I don't expect you
to understand this,

but time breaking twice
means our problem is

two times bigger and we've got
half as much time to solve it.

Well, actually, I do expect
you to understand that.

It's basic math. C-can somebody
just let me out of here?

If I die in a cage,
I lose a bet.

Well, is there some way
you can prove

you're not a threat to yourself
and others anymore'?

Oh, for god's sake.
All right, here.

- Give me the time crystal.
- Wh-what are you doing?

Calling myself.
Here, listen.

It'll [burps] probably go
to voicemail

since, you know,
I'm calling myself.

Hello, Rick here.

Don't fall for it.
It's a bit.

Just kidding!
Ha, ha!

You just got Ricked.

You've reached
Rick's voicemail.

You know what to do.
[beep]

Hey, Rick.
It's Rick.

Listen, I'm sorry about earlier.
No hard feelings.

I know you know I mean it, too.
Take it easy.

Whoa, damn!
Look at this.

I'm blowing up --
three new voicemails.

Hey, Rick.
It's Rick.

Listen,
I'm sorry about earlier.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I heard this one.

Hey, Rick.
It's Rick.

Hey, Rick, it's --
- You get the idea.

[ burps ]
W-we're cool now.

Okay, well, we're still not
gonna let you out of this crate.

Fine.
I'll just do it myself.

If you could get out that whole
time, why didn't you?

Because I waited
until I was certain

it was what I wanted
to do, Morty.

That's the difference
between you and me.

I'm certain, and you're

a walking burlap sack
filled with turds.

You know, geez, Rick!

Y-y-you're really tearing
into me right now.

You know, words hurt.

- Holy!
- A monster!

Hey, you -_
Hey, quit yelling.

Quit yelling.
What the fuck

your time is all
ripped up to hell!

[warbles]
You broke your time twice.

- [sighs]
- How did this happen?

[all speaking indistinctly]

Nevermind. Shut the fuck up.
Goddamn.

I'm from
the fourth dimension.

I can hear all of y'all.

Now let's just see what we
got here for a second.

- [groans]
- Goddamn it.

Were you trying
to use this to --

Oh, see, you broke time,
and you thought you could

just stick it back
together with this?

How you think
you gonna move time

while you're
standing in it,

you dumbass three-dimensional
monkey-ass dummies?

Oh, way to go, Rick.

Yeah, Grandpa,
way to go.

What, you're just gonna listen
to this guy now?

He's got a giant testicle
for a head.

He came here in a bubble.

For all we know,
he could be

the David Berkowitz
of Nutsackland.

Shut up.
Here, put these on.

They'll sync
your possibilities up

so I can bring you back
to certain time.

Y'all are just --
just -- just negligent.

See, now --
now look right here.

Hey, hey, hey, the three of you,
put your collars on.

- We have them on.
- What are you talking about?

- Uh, we did.
- We're not wearing collars.

Exactly.
'Cause you're being obstinate.

[ Belches ]
What?

Put the damn collars on
if you want to live.

- They're on right now.
- We did. They're on.

All right, fine.
Summer, Morty, put them on.

[ Device beeps ]

[warbling ]

- Yes, we're back!
- No more cats!

- We're back in certain time.
- Problem solved.

No more cats!
Oh, you did it!

- You fixed it.
- Yeah, I did.

Now keep those
collars on so you

don't break
your weak-ass time again.

How long, exactly, do we have
to wear these things?

They're really
embarrassing.

Well, since you're going
to time prison,

I'd say you can
keep them on forever.

- Time prison?
- Yeah.

Well, I don't know where you
expect me to think

you got
that crystal over there,

but the only way your dumbass
assin' ass asses

could ever have one
is if it was stolen.

You stole a time-freezing
crystal from testicle monsters?!

I would've been happy to pay
for it, s-- [burps] Summer,

but they don't exactly
sell them at Costco.

Besides, there's a larger lesson
to be learned here. Get him!

No, no, no, no!
You better keep back!

Man,
this will turn your ass

into a third-trimester fetus
from 30 yards.

[ Monitor beeping ]

Mm.

Isn't there a kitten somewhere
that needs a manicure?

That's right, Mrs. Smith.
Give in to your anger.

Neglect that deer.

Honey, it's gonna be okay.

These men are
from the Cervine Institute

of of elk, moose, deer,
and stag.

They can take this deer
to a helicopter

and fly it to the country's
top deer surgeon

on a wildlife reserve
across the state border.

Where
your jurisdiction ends.

I guess
that's the end of that.

There is
just one more thing.

According to this state's
Veterinarian statute,

this animal
can't be transferred

until the current
attending physician

verbally confirms
their inability

to provide adequate care.

You heard the man,
horse doctor.

You have to say
you couldn't hack it.

We did it!

Uh-huh. No, mother -- no.
Earth, dude.

No, I'm talking about --
Yeah, with the dinosaurs.

No, if you get to the dolphin
people, you gone too far.

All right, man,
I'll talk to you later. Okay.

You know what they do

to third-dimensional life
forms in time prison?

Same thing they do in every
other prison, only forever.

Why are you doing this?

You think I want to be
an omniscient immortal being

transcending time and space
my whole life?

I got ambitions, man.

Bringing you guys in
is my ticket up.

What if I told you
there's a huge ticket

up right behind you?

You really think
I'm that stupid?

All right,
hear me out on this.

You're immortal, right, which
means your life is infinite.

Okay, well, then that means
there's a 100% chance

that you'll
eventually do everything,

including turning around
to look behind you.

I cannot argue that.

[thud! ]
- Aaah!

[squeals]
- Oh, god, gross and weird!

- Chris!
[ splat! ]

You killed my gun!

RICK: Summer, Morty,
take off your collars.

What? What the hell
are you doing?

Good question. I suppose
the answer is I'm not certain.

Oh, no,
what are you doing?

- I have no idea.
- I'm not sure.

Stop it!

[echoing] Maybe I will,
maybe I won't.

I'm really uncertain
about everything,

even kicking your ass.

List-- hey!
Tw-- ow!

But the-- these arms
are vestigial! [grunts]

Now, you poked me where
an eye would've been

about 6 million years ago.

SUMMER: [echoing] Come
on, let's help Grandpa.

MORTY: [echoing] Yes! I'm
100% not sure about anything!

Yeah,
totally uncertain.

Beat his ass!
Get him! Beat him up!

- Kick his ass, Rick!
- Die, motherfucker.

Ow!
I'm defeated.

- What's happening?
- Time is falling apart.

We've got to get back
to certainty quick.

Give me your collars.

Oh, man. Don't you have to fix,
like, 30 of them?

Morty, I have to fix three
of them.

And then there's 31
other versions of me

that have to also fix three,
for a total of 96.

I'm not an idiot.
I know how to be decisive.

Now hand me
that flat-head screwdriver.

- Actually, make it a flat-head.
- Actually, make it a phillips.

Oh, shit.

Look, I know I was
kind of a nuisance today.

I know it's my fault
we hit the deer.

And I know you wanted
to be the one to save it.

Whatever.

How petty would I have
to be to care less

about an animal's life
than my own ego?

Well, you'd have
to be pretty petty.

But you'd still be
the woman I married.

[ Car rattles ]
- Where are we going?

One last stop.

[tires squeal]

Where's the helicopter?

There is no helicopter.

And there is
no Cervine Institute.

But the top
deer surgeon...

I'm looking at her.

Thanks for teeing me
up like that.

You better get moving.

These lights are designed
for basic ice-cream work.

They're not gonna last
all night.

I need five minutes.

[ Upbeat music plays]

Jerry, this was the most
romantic weekend I've ever had.

Thanks
to Cold Stone Creamery.

You're welcome.

RICK: Okay, collars are done.
Put them on.

We're out of time.
It's ironic, huh?

[ Beeping ]

Huh?
Wait a minute.

- Great.
- Rick!

What's going on?

The collar.
Oh, the latch is broken.

It won't latch closed
around my neck.

- Oh, are you kidding me?
- Geez, what's going on?

How come our collars
aren't green?

Obviously because someone
doesn't know how to put

his collar on, and one of me
is stuck trying to help him.

Don't blame this on me.

You're the one that
couldn't fix a latch.

What are you talking about?
It's not broken, Morty.

I fixed it.
Just put it on.

It won't close.
It's broken.

Fine, bring it here.

[groans]
Oh!

- Rick!
- Morty!

[ Screams ]

Oh, really, Morty?
Well, I'm sorry.

I'm not the one who's so fucking
uncertain about everything.

You know what
I'm certain of, Rick?

I've really made up
my mind about this.

I never want
to see you again!

You're never gonna see anything
again, you little dummy!

You killed us!

God damn it.
[ grunts ]

♪♪

Rick!
Oh!

Morty, where's your collar?
I'll fix it.

I dropped it.

[ Beeping ]

What the hell?
What have you done to me, Morty?

I'm okay with this.
Be good, Morty.

Be better than me.

Oh shit!
The other collar!

I'm not okay with this.
I am not okay with this!

Oh, sweet Jesus,
please let me live.

Oh, my god, I have to --
I've got to fix this thing.

Please, god in heaven.
Please, God.

Oh, lord, hear my prayers.

[collar beeps] Yes!
Fuck you, God!

Not today, bitch!

Please, God, if there's a hell,
please be merciful to me.

[collar beeps]

Yes, I did it!
There is no God!

In your face!

One dot, motherfucker!

Yes!
Oh- yes!

All right, you know
what I'm talking about.

- Oh, that was a close call.
- Oh, yeah!

I'm gonna do
the cabbage patch, Morty.

- Oh, yeah, do it.
- Check me out.

I'm doing
the Cabbage Patch.

- Do it right.
- I'm doing it, too.

- Do the cabbage patch.
- It's a classic dance.

- Do it. Do the dance.
- Oh shit look at that.

Hey, wait a second, how come you
guys took longer to gel here?

I don't know. I think, like,
1/64 of my collars didn't work.

It's hard to
keep straight now

that I have 63 other
memories of everything.

Yeah.

But I feel like one
of the 64 Ricks,

like, sacrificed
himself for me?

- Maybe? I think?
- Shut up, Morty.

The last time you felt
something, we all almost died.

You little piece of shit.

BETH:
Hey, guys, we're home.

TOGETHER:
Mom! Dad!

Uh, hold the phone.

Where did you guys
get those necklaces from?

Uh, Lady Gaga,
table for three. Am I right?

Are you guys
Power Rangers,

but only on one small part
of your necks?

Hey, do those things
need batteries?

Were they included?
Cleanup in the fruit aisle.

Not in a homophobic way,
though.

They're just fruity necklaces
is what I was saying.

I'm gonna pee my pants!

Somebody call
the planet of "Tron"!

Doesn't feel so
good, does it?

We have three "Tron"
people over here.

No, it doesn't.
It hurts.

Seriously, are these
halloween costumes?

Are you going
as motorcycles

with green headlights
instead of normal ones?

Are you dogs?
Robot dogs? [laughs]

Gosh,
you guys are lame.

Are those chokers
from the '90s?

What is this,
a '90s nostalgia thing?

Are you guys in that movie
"The Craft" with Fairuza Balk?

[ Dramatic electronic music
Ways ]

[warbling ]

Hey, man,
when the hell were you?

Looking for you,
asshole.

I told you
past the dinosaurs.

You know how much time
is past the dinosaurs?

Half of all time!

Come on, man.
It's this way.

- Come on.
- Give me that thing.

Speed it up.
He can't be this far back.

No, no, there he is.
There he is. There he is.

There he is.
Stop, stop.

- So, that's the guy, huh?
- Yeah, that's him.

Hey, man.
Remember me?

I got something for your ass.
[ grunting ]

Don't...mess...with time!

You don't fuck
with time!

Motherfucker!

[warbles]

[groans]

[German accent]
I will mess with time.

[ Whimpers ]
I will mess with time.

[ Shouting ]

MAN:
Did you get any of that?

MAN: [ Italian accent]
It's a good show.