Rhoda (1974–1978): Season 1, Episode 18 - Not Made for Each Other - full transcript
Timid Myrna Morgenstein, Rhoda's high school classmate with who she recently reconnected at Rhoda's bridal shower, stops by for an unexpected visit in order to break out of her mousy shell. Beyond Myrna's job as a high school English teacher, she has been unsuccessful in life and love. Wanting to provide whatever little assistance she can to Myrna in this new direction she is trying to forge, Rhoda decides to invite Myrna to a small dinner party, which will also include at Joe's behest his best friend, Charlie, although both Charlie and Myrna being there does not make it officially a "set-up" between the two. But Myrna's take charge attitude in eking out this new life for herself has some unintended consequences at the party, the resulting issues which both Rhoda and Joe will have to try and rectify.
- MY NAME
IS RHODA MORGENSTERN.
I WAS BORN IN THE BRONX,
NEW YORK IN DECEMBER, 1941.
I'VE ALWAYS FELT
RESPONSIBLE FOR WORLD WAR II.
THE FIRST THING I REMEMBER
LIKING THAT LIKED ME
BACK WAS FOOD.
I HAD A BAD PUBERTY.
IT LASTED 17 YEARS.
I'M A HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE.
I WENT TO ART SCHOOL.
MY ENTRANCE EXAM WAS
ON A BOOK OF MATCHES.
I DECIDED TO MOVE OUT OF
THE HOUSE WHEN I WAS 24.
MY MOTHER STILL REFERS TO
THIS AS THE TIME I RAN AWAY
FROM HOME.
EVENTUALLY, I RAN TO
MINNEAPOLIS, WHERE IT'S COLD,
AND I FIGURED I'D KEEP BETTER.
NOW I'M BACK IN MANHATTAN.
NEW YORK, THIS IS
YOUR LAST CHANCE.
[DOORBELL RINGING]
- HI, RHODA.
MYRNA MORGENSTEIN?
- YEAH, MYRNA,
I KNOW IT'S YOU.
- WELL,
SO MANY PEOPLE DON'T.
- HA HA HA.
WELL, COME ON IN.
COME ON IN.
- I BET YOU'RE
SURPRISED TO SEE ME, HUH?
- YEAH, YEAH, A LITTLE BIT.
- WELL,
AT YOUR SHOWER, YOU SAID
TO ME, "WHY DON'T YOU
DROP BY SOMETIME?
YOU KNOW, ON THE SPUR
OF THE MOMENT?"
- UH-HUH.
BUT IF THIS IS A BAD TIME,
MAYBE I COULD STOP BY
AT ANOTHER SPUR OF THE MOMENT.
- OH, NO, NO.
THIS IS A PERFECT TIME.
I WAS JUST WORKING.
YEAH. I'M WORKING ON A DESIGN
FOR A STORE WINDOW.
- OH.
- BUT WE CAN TALK.
- GEE,
IT MUST BE FASCINATING
BEING A WINDOW DRESSER.
YOU'VE ACCOMPLISHED
SO MUCH IN YOUR WORK.
I DON'T SEEM TO
ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING IN MINE.
YOU TEACH HIGH SCHOOL ENGLISH.
NOW THAT'S GOT TO
BE VERY FULFILLING.
- YEAH.
BUT SOMETIMES YOU WONDER
AS YOU SEE THEM WATER
BOMBING MR. GUNTHER...
WHETHER "IVANHOE"
WILL HAVE ANY REAL IMPACT
ON THEIR LIVES.
- LET'S SIT DOWN.
SO, TELL ME, WHERE
ARE YOU TEACHING?
- OUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL.
- NO KIDDING.
- YEAH.
- YEAH?
- AND GUESS WHAT.
- I LOOKED UP OUR OLD
RECORDS YESTERDAY.
I GOT TO SEE EVERYONE'S IQ.
- OH.
- AND A STRANGE THING, RHODA.
YOU DON'T HAVE ONE.
- YEAH, YEAH. I KNOW.
WELL, I ALWAYS MANAGED TO
AVOID TAKING THOSE TESTS.
I MEAN, I HAD ENOUGH
COMPLEXES, RIGHT?
I WISH I HAD YOUR IQ.
REMEMBER, MYRNA, YOU HAD
ONE OF THE HIGHEST ONES
IN THE WHOLE CLASS.
- THE HIGHEST.
AND I HATED IT.
I EVEN USED TO TRY TO
BE LIKE THE OTHER GIRLS
AND GIGGLE A LOT,
BUT IT DIDN'T WORK.
THE BOYS ALWAYS ACCUSED ME
OF GIGGLING DOWN TO THEM.
BUT I'M GONNA CHANGE ALL THAT,
AND WHAT I'M DOING HERE TODAY
IS THE FIRST STEP
TOWARD THAT GOAL.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- I CAN'T SAY IT.
- WELL,
THIS THING THAT YOU'RE DOING,
ARE YOU DOING IT NOW?
- ALL MY LIFE, I WANTED TO BE
THE KIND OF PERSON WHO COULD
DO THIS...
WITHOUT DOING THIS...
RIGHT AFTER.
AND WHEN I WAS AT YOUR SHOWER,
AND I SAW YOU AFTER SO MANY
YEARS, I THOUGHT, "OH,
RHODA IS SO SELF-CONFIDENT
"AND OUTGOING AND OBVIOUSLY
HAD NO PROBLEM
DATING ANYONE SHE WANTED."
- THEN HOW COME I ALWAYS ENDED
UP WITH STEPHEN SCHLOSSBERG?
- BUT THE IMPORTANT THING IS,
I WANTED TO BE FRIENDS
WITH YOU AND I ACTUALLY
DID SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
I'M GOING TO START TAKING
ALL LIFE HAS TO OFFER.
YOU WANNA GO TO
THE MOVIES SOMETIME?
- SURE, YEAH.
AND IF YOU REALLY WANT
TO GRAB LIFE BY THE TAIL,
YOU COULD COME OVER HERE
FOR DINNER SOMETIME.
- WHEN?
GEE, THAT WASN'T
TOO PUSHY, WAS IT?
- NOT AT ALL.
MYRNA, STOP IT.
I'D LOVE TO HAVE
YOU FOR DINNER.
HOW ABOUT TUESDAY NIGHT?
- GREAT.
- YOU'RE ON.
- OH,
RHODA, BY THE WAY, WOULD YOU
MIND IF I BROUGHT A MAN?
- NO. NO, NOT AT ALL.
- WOULD YOU MIND
GETTING ME ONE TO BRING?
WELL...
[POUNDING]
- YEAH, JUST A LITTLE
BIT FURTHER, JOE.
A LITTLE FURTHER THERE.
GOOD.
- HEY,
WILL YOU GIVE AN IDEA WHERE
YOU WANT THIS CORD
TO END UP, BRENDA?
- IN THE BATHROOM.
THERE JUST AREN'T ENOUGH
OUTLETS IN THERE, JOE.
- WELL,
HOW MANY DO YOU NEED?
- LET'S SEE.
HOT CURLERS, HAIR DRYER,
A FACIAL SAUNA,
MAKEUP MIRROR--
UH, ROUGHLY 11.
OH, WAIT, WAIT, MAKE THAT 12.
I FORGOT MY DONALD
DUCK NIGHT LIGHT.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
- HI.
- HEY.
- HEY,
GUYS, AREN'T YOU READY TO GO
TO DINNER YET?
- IN A COUPLE OF MINUTES.
WE'RE ALMOST FINISHED.
- OK.
BRENDA, SPEAKING OF DINNER.
TUESDAY NIGHT, IF YOU'RE NOT
DOING ANYTHING, YOU WANNA COME
UP FOR DINNER?
- OH, GEE, THANKS, RHO.
HEY, LISTEN, WOULD IT BE
ALL RIGHT IF I BROUGHT A DATE?
- SURE. WHO?
- I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST WOULD LIKE TO COME
WITH A DATE FOR A CHANGE
INSTEAD OF SOLO.
- RIGHT.
- I GET TIRED OF PRETENDING
I JUST BROKE UP
WITH SOMEONE.
- I USED TO SAY
MY BOYFRIEND WAS SICK.
YEAH, I HAD THAT
POOR GUY RAVAGED
WITH EVERY
ILLNESS IMAGINABLE.
THEN, PEOPLE STARTED
GETTING SUSPICIOUS,
SO I LET HIM DIE.
THEN, I HAD A GOOD EXCUSE,
WHICH WAS, I WAS IN MOURNING.
SEE THAT?
- OH, WOW.
THEN I HAVE TO GET
A DATE, YOU SEE?
MY BLACK DRESS
IS IN THE CLEANERS.
- HA HA HA.
LISTEN, BREN, IT DOESN'T
MATTER ONE WAY OR THE OTHER
BECAUSE AN OLD FRIEND FROM HIGH
SCHOOL--MYRNA MORGENSTEIN?
- YEAH.
- FROM THE SHOWER. YEAH.
- SHE'S COMING TO DINNER.
AND SHE ASKED ME
TO GET HER A DATE,
BUT I TOLD HER THAT
I COULDN'T.
- YES, YOU CAN.
OH, YEAH.
WE CAN HAVE MY FRIEND,
CHARLIE BURKE,
OVER FOR DINNER, AND--
- OH, NO, NO, JOE,
NO, PLEASE, NO.
- IT'S BECAUSE YOU DON'T
LIKE CHARLIE, ISN'T IT?
- NO, IT ISN'T.
IT'S BECAUSE
I DON'T LIKE FIX-UPS.
YOU KNOW?
AND IF I DID LIKE FIX-UPS,
I WOULDN'T FIX ANYBODY UP
WITH CHARLIE,
AND THAT'S BECAUSE
I DON'T LIKE CHARLIE.
- WE CAN HAVE TWO PEOPLE OVER,
AND IT DOESN'T
HAVE TO BE A FIX-UP.
- I'M TELLING YOU, JOE,
IT WON'T WORK.
- HEY, WELL, LOOK,
CHARLIE IS MY FRIEND
AND I'D LIKE TO HAVE
HIM OVER, TOO.
COME ON, TRY IT.
- I DON'T HAVE TO TRY IT TO
KNOW THAT IT WILL NOT WORK.
IT'LL BE SOME CRUMMY FIX-UP,
AND THEN I'LL BE STUCK,
SMACK IN THE MIDDLE OF IT.
- YOU'RE SURE
IT'S NOT GONNA WORK...
- I KNOW IT WON'T.
- AND I THINK THAT IT WILL.
- SO, DO IT BECAUSE
YOU TRUST ME.
DO IT BECAUSE I WANT IT.
I'VE NEVER ASKED YOU FOR
ANYTHING LIKE THIS BEFORE.
COME ON, WHAT DO YOU
GOT TO LOSE, HUH?
- I'VE HEARD THAT WHOLE SPEECH
BEFORE, BUT USUALLY ENDING
WITH, "I SWEAR I'LL
STILL RESPECT YA."
I WILL GIVE YOU THE EXACT SAME
ANSWER I GAVE ALL OF THEM.
SURE.
GOTCHA!
GOTCHA!
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
- YEAH, JUST A MINUTE.
- HI, RHODA.
MYRNA MORGENSTEIN.
- WELL, HI, MYRNA.
GEE.
YOU--YOU JUST
LOOK WONDERFUL.
I'M AMAZED.
- IT'S THE NEW ME.
I'VE REALLY BEEN TRYING
TO BREAK OUT AND TAKE LIFE
ON ITS OWN TERMS.
I CAME THROUGH
CENTRAL PARK ALONE.
- OOH, WOW.
DID ANYTHING
INTERESTING HAPPEN?
- I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST KEPT RUNNING.
- YEAH, LISTEN,
WHY TAKE MORE FROM LIFE
THAN YOU'RE READY
TO HANDLE, RIGHT?
OK, LISTEN, MYRNA,
THERE'S SOMETHING I THINK
I SHOULD TELL YOU.
TONIGHT, THERE IS
SOMEONE ELSE COMING.
A FRIEND OF JOE'S.
NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
JUST BELIEVE ME,
IT IS NOT A FIX-UP.
- THAT'S TOO BAD.
- AHH.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
- HI, RHO.
- MYRNA?
- OH. HELLO, BRENDA.
MYRNA MORGENSTEIN.
- YEAH.
HEY, LISTEN, I THOUGHT YOU
WERE GOING TO BRING A DATE.
- OH, I AM. I AM.
LENNY'S GONNA MEET ME HERE.
- OH,
IS HE YOUR BOYFRIEND?
- NO, NO, NO.
HE'S JUST THIS GUY I KNOW
FOR WHEN EVERYONE
ELSE FALLS THROUGH.
- HE'S A THIRD COUSIN.
AND HE HAS
THIS THING ABOUT FEET.
I DON'T WANT TO GO INTO IT.
THERE'S JUST SO MUCH
YOU CAN SAY ABOUT TOES.
- YEAH, AND LENNY'S SAID IT ALL.
- YES.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
- YES?
- HIYA, CHARLIE.
- HEY.
- HI.
- LENNY?
- RHODA, YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.
THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL THING
YOU'RE WEARING THERE.
- THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
YOU KNOW MY SISTER
BRENDA, DON'T YOU?
- OH, BRENDA.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'VE GOT?
- WHAT?
- A GREAT FACE.
- WELL,
MY BODY FEELS A LITTLE
LEFT OUT, BUT MY FACE
REALLY THANKS YOU.
- HEY, I GUESS YOU GUYS
HAVE ALREADY MET, RIGHT?
- NO. HOW YA DOIN'?
- OH, WE RODE UP
IN THE ELEVATOR TOGETHER.
- WE DID?
- YEAH.
- SORRY.
- HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME.
- OH, TO ME, TOO.
LAST YEAR, I TOOK A 2-WEEK
TOUR OF LATIN AMERICA
WITH 20 PEOPLE, AND AS
WE WERE LEAVING FOR HOME,
19 OF THEM SAID,
"DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?"
[CLEARING THROAT]
- AND WHO MIGHT THIS BE?
- OH,
THAT'S JUST A FRIEND OF JOE'S.
- WHAT'S HIS NAME?
- CHARLIE BURKE.
- AND SHE'S...
- MYRNA MORGENSTEIN.
SHE'S JUST
A GIRLFRIEND OF MINE.
- HOW DO YOU DO?
- YEAH.
- IS THIS A FIX-UP?
- HUH?
- I HATE FIX-UPS.
- SO DO I.
- DON'T WE ALL?
- NO, NO, CHARLIE, REALLY.
LISTEN, YOU GOT TO UNDERSTAND.
MYRNA IS A FRIEND OF MINE.
I JUST INVITED HER TO DINNER.
THIS IS NOT A FIX-UP.
RIGHT?
- HEY.
TERRIFIC AUBURN HAIR.
- IT'S REALLY JUST RED.
- AUBURN.
IT'S AUBURN
AND IT'S TERRIFIC.
YOURS IS BROWN.
- WHEN YOU'RE RIGHT,
YOU'RE RIGHT.
- GEE,
BREN, YOU LOOK GREAT TONIGHT,
BUT WHY DIDN'T YOU
WEAR OPEN-TOED SHOES?
- I DIDN'T WANT TO EXCITE
EVERYBODY BEFORE DINNER.
- HEY,
IRREGARDLESS OF THE SHOES,
BRENDA, YOU LOOK FANTASTIC.
- EXCUSE ME.
THERE'S NO SUCH WORD
AS IRREGARDLESS.
- MYRNA IS THE
ENGLISH TEACHER.
GRAMMAR IS HER BEAT.
- HEY,
EVERYBODY'S HERE.
[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]
- GOOD TO SEE YOU.
HEY, I'M SORRY, BUT
THE LIQUOR STORE WAS CLOSED,
SO WE DON'T HAVE ANY MIXERS.
BUT YOU CAN HAVE ANYTHING
YOU WANT WITH WATER
OR ON THE ROCKS.
- OH, WATER'S FINE.
- WHAT WOULD YOU
LIKE WITH THAT?
- ROCKS.
- THAT'S A DELIGHTFUL SENSE
OF HUMOR YOU'VE GOT THERE.
HAVE YOU SEEN THE VIEW
FROM THE TERRACE?
- YES, I HAVE.
- HAVE YOU SEEN IT WITH ME?
- NO, I HAVEN'T.
- HEY, WHAT VIEW?
- 15 SUPERS STACKING
GARBAGE CANS.
- YOU STILL HAVE A VIEW.
I'LL BE OUT THERE,
AND I'LL HAVE A VIEW.
SHE'LL BE OUT THERE.
- THAT WAS VERY THRILLING,
WHAT YOU JUST SAID.
- YA SEE?
WE DIDN'T EVEN TRY
AND FIX THEM UP AND LOOK.
- IT'S A LITTLE EARLY TO
BE SAYING, "I TOLD YOU SO."
OK? HE'S PROBABLY OUT
THERE HAVING HER RENOUNCE
THE DEWEY DECIMAL SYSTEM.
WELL, THEY CAN'T STAY
OUT THERE FOR LONG.
I MEAN, IT IS
FREEZING OUT THERE.
- YEAH, SHE SHOULD
BE WEARING BOOTS.
LEATHER ONES...
WITH NICE WARM FUR INSIDE.
- BRENDA...
- LENNY?
NO MORE SHOE TALK.
- SO, UH, LISTEN, MYRNA.
THEN WHAT ABOUT
THURSDAY NIGHT, HUH?
- NO, I CAN'T.
- OH, OK.
WELL, LET'S MAKE
IT FRIDAY, THEN.
HUH?
- NO. NO, I CAN'T.
- I KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE SHOOTING FOR.
OK, SATURDAY.
- NO, NO, REALLY I CAN'T.
- WELL, WHY NOT?
- I JUST CAN'T.
- WELL, I MEAN, YOU MUST
HAVE A REASON, YOU KNOW?
I MEAN, YOU CAN
TELL ME WHY NOT.
- I--TO BE HONEST WITH YOU,
YOU SEE, I DON'T THINK
I WANT TO GO OUT WITH YOU.
- OH.
- IN FACT, I KNOW THAT I
DON'T WANT TO GO OUT WITH YOU.
- OK.
- AND I'M VERY SORRY
TO HAVE TO TELL YOU
THAT I JUST DON'T
WANT TO GO OUT WITH YOU.
- I UNDERSTAND.
YOU DON'T OWE ME ANYTHING!
I GUESS THAT'S CLEAR...
TO ALL OF US, HUH?
- HEY,
NOBODY HEARD ANYTHING.
COME ON, LET ME FIX
YOU A DRINK, JOE.
- NO, I DON'T WANT A DRINK.
I'M SORRY, JOE.
THERE'S NO SENSE
CONTINUING ON.
- CONTINUING ON IS REDUNDANT.
- CHARLIE.
STAY FOR A DRINK, WILL YA?
- WELL,
I'LL STAY FOR A DRINK.
- I THINK YOUR EXACT WORDS
WERE, "WE CAN INVITE TWO PEOPLE
OVER WITHOUT THEM
THINKING IT'S A FIX-UP."
- YOU KNOW, IT REALLY WOULD'VE
BEEN A CLASSY THING IF YOU
HADN'T HAVE HAD TO SAY,
"I TOLD YOU SO."
- I KNOW.
BUT IF I'D HAVE TRIED TO
HOLD THAT IN ME, THE PRESSURE
WOULD'VE BLOWN OUT MY TEETH.
DO YOU THINK HE WAS HURT?
- YEAH, YEAH, SURE.
- YOU DO?
- HE WAS HURT.
- I HURT SOMEONE?
I'VE NEVER HURT ANYONE IN MY
ENTIRE LIFE, LET ALONE A MAN.
- OH, MYRNA, LISTEN,
YOU COULDN'T HELP IT.
- OH, RHODA,
RHODA, I HURT SOMEONE.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
- RHODA?
- YEAH, IT'S ME.
HI, BREN.
LISTEN, I'VE GOT SO MUCH FOOD
LEFT OVER FROM LAST NIGHT,
I FIGURED MAYBE YOU
COULD USE SOME. RIGHT?
YOU COULD MAKE DINNER
FOR LENNY OR SOMETHING.
- OH, NO, NOT LENNY.
DEFINITELY NOT LENNY.
- WHY? WHAT HAPPENED?
- WELL,
LAST NIGHT, MYRNA, LENNY,
AND I LEFT YOUR PLACE AND WENT
DOWN THE ELEVATOR TOGETHER.
- YEAH? SO?
- SO,
ON THE FIFTH FLOOR, MYRNA
SAID, "WOULD YOU LIKE TO GET
TOGETHER FOR LUNCH SOMETIME?"
AND ON THE FOURTH FLOOR,
I SAID, "SURE."
AND ON THE THIRD FLOOR,
SHE SAID, "I MEANT LENNY."
AND ON THE SECOND FLOOR,
HE SAID, "I'D LOVE TO."
I GOT OFF, AND
THEY KEPT GOING.
AS FAR AS I KNOW, THEY'RE
STILL RIDING THAT ELEVATOR
OFF INTO THE SUNSET.
- WOW.
- MYRNA?
SHY LITTLE MYRNA CAME
ON TO EVEN SHYER LENNY?
AND IT WORKED?
- YEAH.
YOU KNOW, I'M NOT IN LOVE
WITH LENNY OR ANYTHING,
BUT HE WAS ALWAYS THERE TO FALL
BACK ON, AND NOW HE ISN'T.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT
THIS MEANS, RHODA?
I'M WORKING WITHOUT AN NET.
- AW.
AW, KID, I'M SORRY.
I REALLY AM. I MEAN,
YOU FEEL AWFUL, HUH?
- NO, I FEEL ANGER.
LOTS OF ANGER.
I MEAN, HOW COULD
HE GO WITH HER?
THE ONE PERSON YOU FIGURE
YOU'RE SAFE WITH IS LENNY.
YOU GO SOMEPLACE WITH A LENNY,
YOU COME HOME WITH A LENNY.
YOU DON'T LOSE LENNYS.
- I CAN'T FIGURE
HOW IT HAPPENED.
I MEAN, MYRNA DOESN'T
EXACTLY COME ON STRONG.
- OH, WELL,
THAT'S HER STYLE.
SHE PLIED HIM
WITH HER GRAMMAR.
SHE FLAUNTED HER TIMIDITY.
I DIDN'T HAVE A CHANCE.
YOU KNOW, RHO, IF YOU HADN'T
GONE TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH HER,
NONE OF THIS
WOULD'VE HAPPENED.
- NOW, JUST WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A SECOND.
DON'T GO BLAMING ME FOR THIS.
I WAS A POOR, INNOCENT PERSON
SITTING IN MY APARTMENT
WHEN THIS LITTLE, RED-HEADED
GIRL COMES IN AND
ASKS TO BE MY FRIEND.
- WELL,
YOU SHOULD'VE SAID NO.
- YES,
YES, I SHOULD'VE SAID NO.
BUT MA BRAINWASHED ME
TO OBEY ALL SHORT PEOPLE.
[BUZZER]
- YES?
- YES,
THIS IS CARLTON,
YOUR DOORMAN.
- HELLO, CARLTON.
- IS YOUR SISTER THERE
BY ANY CHANCE?
- YEAH. HOW'D YOU KNOW?
- WELL,
ABOUT 5 MINUTES AGO, SHE ASKED
ME TO GET HER A CAB, AND
I DID AND IT'S HERE NOW.
- OH. WELL, JUST A SECOND.
WHERE ARE YOU
HEADED, RHO?
- DOWNTOWN.
CAN I GIVE YOU A LIFT?
- YEAH.
- GOOD.
- I'M CONTINUING
ON MY MERCY MISSIONS.
I'VE GOTTA GO DOWN AND SEE
CHARLIE, SEE HOW HE'S FEELING
ABOUT WHAT
HAPPENED LAST NIGHT.
YEAH, CARLTON?
- YEAH, THIS IS
CARLTON, YOUR DOORMAN.
- UH-HUH. YEAH.
LOOK, CARLTON,
TELL THE CABBIE I'LL
BE DOWN IN LIKE A COUPLE
OF MINUTES, AND WOULD
HE PLEASE WAIT.
- OH,
YEAH, HE WON'T MIND.
I INVITED HIM IN.
WE'RE JUST SITTING
HERE SOCIALIZING.
- ON SECOND THOUGHT,
WE'LL TAKE A SUBWAY.
- I THINK THAT'S WISE.
- WELL,
CHARLIE, I CAME DOWN HERE
BECAUSE I WANT TO TALK ABOUT
WHAT HAPPENED THE OTHER NIGHT.
- LISTEN, NO PROBLEM.
JUST FORGET IT.
IT'S LIKE WATER OFF
A DUCK'S BACK.
WHY DID SHE SAY NO?
WHAT REASON COULD
SHE POSSIBLY HAVE?
- WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
THIS SORT OF THING
HAPPENS TO EVERYONE.
- YOU POISONED HER
MIND, DIDN'T YOU?
- ME? WHAT? I DID NOT!
I DIDN'T.
- YOU MUST HAVE, BECAUSE
NO WOMAN'S EVER SAID NO
TO ME BEFORE.
- OH, COME ON, CHARLIE.
- NEVER.
- IT HAD TO HAVE
HAPPENED TO YOU. COME ON.
- NO. OK, ONCE. ALL RIGHT.
- YEAH, RIGHT.
- BUT THAT DIDN'T
EVEN BOTHER ME.
- WHY NOT?
- THE GIRL WAS
ELIZABETH TAYLOR.
- YOU ASKED
ELIZABETH TAYLOR OUT?
- YEAH.
SAW HER IN A RESTAURANT.
- YEAH?
- WE WERE MAKING EYE CONTACT.
A LOT OF EYE CONTACT.
- MM-HMM.
- SHE HAS VIOLET EYES, YOU KNOW?
- YEAH, I HEARD THAT. YEAH.
- SO,
FINALLY, I FIGURED, SO WHAT?
SO SHE'S A BIG MOVIE STAR
AND I'M JUST AS REGULAR GUY.
SHE HAS URGES, TOO.
SO I WALKED ACROSS THAT ROOM,
AND LET ME TELL YOU, IT WAS
THE LONGEST WALK OF MY LIFE.
AND I SAID, "MISS TAYLOR?
"MY NAME IS CHARLIE, AND I
THINK WE BOTH HAVE THE SAME
"THING ON OUR MINDS.
"I'M GONNA GET YOU YOUR COAT,
NOW, AND I'M GONNA WALK YOU
OUT OF THIS PLACE."
- WHAT DID SHE SAY?
- SHE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.
BUT EDDIE FISHER
TOLD ME TO GET LOST.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
- YEAH?
COME ON IN, BREN.
- OH, HIYA, MYRNA.
HOW ARE YOU?
- WONDERFUL, JUST WONDERFUL.
I'M REALLY BROADENING MY LIFE.
- YEAH. YOUR BRIEFCASE, TOO.
- OH,
THIS IS MY PORTFOLIO.
I'M TAKING A LIVE DRAWING
CLASS AT CITY COLLEGE.
- OH, YEAH?
- YEAH. YOU KNOW,
WITH A LIVE NAKED MODEL.
- YEAH.
- THAT WAS A BIG STEP FOR ME.
- OH, BEFORE YOU TAKE
ANY MORE BIG STEPS,
I WANT TO TALK TO YOU. HUH?
- JUST GIVE ME
A SECOND TO UNWIND.
I'VE HAD SUCH AN EXCITING DAY.
I'VE BEEN MAKING SO MANY
NEW FRIENDS, RHODA.
WE GO OUT AFTER CLASS FOR
COFFEE, AND WE TALK ABOUT ART
AND MUSIC...DIAPER RASH.
A LOT OF THEM ARE MARRIED.
- I SEE.
LOOK, MYRNA, WE DON'T HAVE
A LOT OF TIME, BECAUSE I DON'T
THINK YOU'RE GONNA WANT
TO HANG AROUND HERE.
SEE, CHARLIE AND JOE WERE
OUT PLAYING BASKETBALL.
THEY'LL COME WALKING
IN HERE ANY MINUTE.
- OH, I DON'T MIND.
I MEAN,
IF I STARTED AVOIDING EVERY
MAN I TURNED DOWN, I'D
JUST...BE AVOIDING CHARLIE.
YOU KNOW, HE'S THE FIRST
DATE I EVER TURNED DOWN.
- HE WAS YOUR FIRST?
- I COULD NEVER SAY NO
TO ANYONE WHO WAS NICE ENOUGH
TO ASK ME OUT.
- OH, MYRNA.
SCOOT OVER.
LISTEN TO ME.
I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL, AND I
KNOW HOW SENSITIVE YOU ARE.
I KNOW IT. AND THAT'S
WHAT MAKES IT SO TOUGH.
BUT SOMETIMES, YOU KNOW,
SENSITIVE PEOPLE
ARE INSENSITIVE TO OTHERS.
AND...HERE'S THE FLASH.
YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT
I FOUND OUT?
- YEAH.
- CHARLIE HAS
FEELINGS, TOO.
- AW, COME ON.
- HIYA, BABE.
- HI.
- DID THE KNICKS CALL?
- WHAT?
- I THOUGHT THEY MIGHT HAVE
HEARD ABOUT THAT JUMP SHOT
I JUST MADE.
- HELLO, CHARLIE.
- I HAVE TO GO.
- UH, YES.
MAYBE I SHOULD, TOO.
- WELL,
ONE OF US BETTER GO FIRST,
BECAUSE WE'RE NOT
GOING TOGETHER.
OK, YOU GO, I'LL STAY.
- NO,
MAYBE WE BOTH SHOULD STAY,
BECAUSE ACCORDING TO RHODA,
YOU GOT THE WRONG IDEA
ABOUT THE OTHER NIGHT.
- MAYBE I DID
AND MAYBE I DIDN'T.
- WHAT IDEA DID YOU GET?
- THAT YOU'RE NUTS.
I MEAN,
YOU DIDN'T GO OUT WITH ME,
AND WE BOTH KNOW WHY.
- OH, WELL,
WAIT A MINUTE,
JUST A SECOND HERE.
MYRNA, DID I EVER SAY ONE
WORD TO YOU AGAINST CHARLIE?
- CHARLIE, RHODA WOULDN'T DO
A THING LIKE THAT.
- WELL, THEN, WHY WOULDN'T
SHE GO OUT WITH ME?
- I'LL TELL YOU.
CHARLIE?
YOU WOULD'VE TAKEN ME
OUT TO DINNER, RIGHT?
- YEAH,
SURE, I'D SPRING FOR DINNER.
- AND YOU WOULD'VE BEEN
CHARMING AND FUNNY
AND COMPLIMENTARY.
YOU WOULD'VE MADE A PASS,
AND I WOULD'VE BEEN AFRAID
THAT YOU WOULD THINK
I WAS A SQUARE,
SO I WOULD'VE ACCEPTED.
- YOU BUSY THURSDAY?
- THEN,
BEING WHO I AM, I WOULD'VE
FALLEN FOR YOU HARD,
AND WOULD YOU CALL AGAIN?
- WOULD YOU?
- SURE,
HE'D CALL AGAIN.
- HE WOULD CALL.
- I WOULD. I WOULD.
- OK.
THEN WE'D START
TO SEE EACH OTHER,
AND AFTER 3 OR 4 WEEKS,
WE'D BE A THING.
- YEAH. 4 WEEKS.
- MAYBE YOU'D COME UP
TO SCHOOL TO PICK ME UP.
- WHERE'S YOUR SCHOOL?
- IN THE BRONX.
- NO, MEET ME DOWNTOWN.
- OK.
SEE?
THERE I AM RUNNING
OUT OF SCHOOL,
GETTING INTO THE SUBWAY,
ROARING INTO THE CITY,
DASHING UP YOUR STEPS, SAYING,
"CHARLIE, I'M HERE."
AND WHAT WOULD EVERYBODY
BE SAYING THEN, RHODA?
- UH, HEY, WHADDAYA THINK
ABOUT MYRNA AND CHARLIE?
- I HEAR SHE'S RUNNING UP
THE STEPS AND EVERYTHING.
- SEE?
THE WHOLE WORLD'S TALKING
ABOUT US HERE, MYRNA.
- SEE?
THEN A FEW MONTHS GO BY,
AND ONE NIGHT I CAN'T HOLD IT
IN ANY LONGER, AND I SAY,
"I LOVE YOU, CHARLIE."
- HEY,
WAIT A MINUTE, WE DON'T HAVE
TO TALK ABOUT THAT NOW.
- I KNOW.
I JUST WANTED TO SAY IT.
I'VE NEVER SAID IT.
- WELL, IT'S--
- LET HER SAY IT.
- I LOVE YOU, CHARLIE.
- OK! OK!
YOU FEEL THAT WAY,
BUT I TOLD YOU UP FRONT,
I'M A CONFIRMED BACHELOR.
- RHODA, WHAT SHOULD I DO?
HE DOESN'T WANT
TO BE TIED DOWN.
- HONEY, YOU GOT
TO FORGET ABOUT HIM.
YOU LET HIM GO.
HE'S NOTHING.
- JOE,
WHAT DID I DO WITH MYRNA HERE?
SHE'S SO POSSESSIVE,
I CAN'T BREATHE.
I CAN'T BREATHE, JOE.
- THE ONLY THING YOU CAN DO
IS MAKE A CLEAN BREAK OF IT.
- MYRNA?
I'VE BEEN
A BACHELOR ALL MY LIFE.
I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.
YOU'RE A WONDERFUL GIRL AND...
AND I'M SORRY, KID.
I JUST DON'T WANT
TO GET MARRIED.
- I WANT TO THANK YOU
FOR YOUR HONESTY, CHARLIE,
AND I'VE DECIDED
TO LEAVE NEW YORK
AND SEEK A TEACHING POSITION
IN NEW MEXICO.
AND THAT'S WHY I WON'T
GO OUT WITH YOU.
[BUZZER]
[BUZZER]
- WHAT IS IT, CARLTON?
- UH,
THIS IS CARLTON,
YOUR DOORMAN.
THERE'S SOMEBODY DOWN HERE WHO
HAS GIVEN ME A SIZABLE TIP
TO PUT HIM IN TOUCH WITH YOU.
- WHO IS IT?
- CARLTON, YOUR DOORMAN.
- I MEAN, WHO WANTS
TO TALK TO ME?
- OH, WHO ARE YOU?
- LENNY FIEDLER.
- WHO IS IT, CARLTON?
- I FORGOT.
- IF IT'S LENNY FIEDLER--
- THAT'S HIM.
- I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO HIM.
- LISTEN, HE GAVE ME A $5.00 TIP
AND HE CAN TALK TO ANYONE
HE WANTS TO TALK TO.
GO AHEAD.
- HELLO, BRENDA?
I WAS JUST IN THE
NEIGHBORHOOD, SO I THOUGHT I'D
COME OVER AND BEG
FOR FORGIVENESS.
- AFTER WHAT YOU DID, LENNY?
GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON
WHY I SHOULD TAKE YOU BACK.
- SHE THREW ME OUT.
- COME ON UP.
- IT'S REALLY GONNA BE
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
I-I-I REALLY THOUGHT OF YOU--
- EXCUSE ME.
YOUR $5.00 ARE UP.
IS RHODA MORGENSTERN.
I WAS BORN IN THE BRONX,
NEW YORK IN DECEMBER, 1941.
I'VE ALWAYS FELT
RESPONSIBLE FOR WORLD WAR II.
THE FIRST THING I REMEMBER
LIKING THAT LIKED ME
BACK WAS FOOD.
I HAD A BAD PUBERTY.
IT LASTED 17 YEARS.
I'M A HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE.
I WENT TO ART SCHOOL.
MY ENTRANCE EXAM WAS
ON A BOOK OF MATCHES.
I DECIDED TO MOVE OUT OF
THE HOUSE WHEN I WAS 24.
MY MOTHER STILL REFERS TO
THIS AS THE TIME I RAN AWAY
FROM HOME.
EVENTUALLY, I RAN TO
MINNEAPOLIS, WHERE IT'S COLD,
AND I FIGURED I'D KEEP BETTER.
NOW I'M BACK IN MANHATTAN.
NEW YORK, THIS IS
YOUR LAST CHANCE.
[DOORBELL RINGING]
- HI, RHODA.
MYRNA MORGENSTEIN?
- YEAH, MYRNA,
I KNOW IT'S YOU.
- WELL,
SO MANY PEOPLE DON'T.
- HA HA HA.
WELL, COME ON IN.
COME ON IN.
- I BET YOU'RE
SURPRISED TO SEE ME, HUH?
- YEAH, YEAH, A LITTLE BIT.
- WELL,
AT YOUR SHOWER, YOU SAID
TO ME, "WHY DON'T YOU
DROP BY SOMETIME?
YOU KNOW, ON THE SPUR
OF THE MOMENT?"
- UH-HUH.
BUT IF THIS IS A BAD TIME,
MAYBE I COULD STOP BY
AT ANOTHER SPUR OF THE MOMENT.
- OH, NO, NO.
THIS IS A PERFECT TIME.
I WAS JUST WORKING.
YEAH. I'M WORKING ON A DESIGN
FOR A STORE WINDOW.
- OH.
- BUT WE CAN TALK.
- GEE,
IT MUST BE FASCINATING
BEING A WINDOW DRESSER.
YOU'VE ACCOMPLISHED
SO MUCH IN YOUR WORK.
I DON'T SEEM TO
ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING IN MINE.
YOU TEACH HIGH SCHOOL ENGLISH.
NOW THAT'S GOT TO
BE VERY FULFILLING.
- YEAH.
BUT SOMETIMES YOU WONDER
AS YOU SEE THEM WATER
BOMBING MR. GUNTHER...
WHETHER "IVANHOE"
WILL HAVE ANY REAL IMPACT
ON THEIR LIVES.
- LET'S SIT DOWN.
SO, TELL ME, WHERE
ARE YOU TEACHING?
- OUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL.
- NO KIDDING.
- YEAH.
- YEAH?
- AND GUESS WHAT.
- I LOOKED UP OUR OLD
RECORDS YESTERDAY.
I GOT TO SEE EVERYONE'S IQ.
- OH.
- AND A STRANGE THING, RHODA.
YOU DON'T HAVE ONE.
- YEAH, YEAH. I KNOW.
WELL, I ALWAYS MANAGED TO
AVOID TAKING THOSE TESTS.
I MEAN, I HAD ENOUGH
COMPLEXES, RIGHT?
I WISH I HAD YOUR IQ.
REMEMBER, MYRNA, YOU HAD
ONE OF THE HIGHEST ONES
IN THE WHOLE CLASS.
- THE HIGHEST.
AND I HATED IT.
I EVEN USED TO TRY TO
BE LIKE THE OTHER GIRLS
AND GIGGLE A LOT,
BUT IT DIDN'T WORK.
THE BOYS ALWAYS ACCUSED ME
OF GIGGLING DOWN TO THEM.
BUT I'M GONNA CHANGE ALL THAT,
AND WHAT I'M DOING HERE TODAY
IS THE FIRST STEP
TOWARD THAT GOAL.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- I CAN'T SAY IT.
- WELL,
THIS THING THAT YOU'RE DOING,
ARE YOU DOING IT NOW?
- ALL MY LIFE, I WANTED TO BE
THE KIND OF PERSON WHO COULD
DO THIS...
WITHOUT DOING THIS...
RIGHT AFTER.
AND WHEN I WAS AT YOUR SHOWER,
AND I SAW YOU AFTER SO MANY
YEARS, I THOUGHT, "OH,
RHODA IS SO SELF-CONFIDENT
"AND OUTGOING AND OBVIOUSLY
HAD NO PROBLEM
DATING ANYONE SHE WANTED."
- THEN HOW COME I ALWAYS ENDED
UP WITH STEPHEN SCHLOSSBERG?
- BUT THE IMPORTANT THING IS,
I WANTED TO BE FRIENDS
WITH YOU AND I ACTUALLY
DID SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
I'M GOING TO START TAKING
ALL LIFE HAS TO OFFER.
YOU WANNA GO TO
THE MOVIES SOMETIME?
- SURE, YEAH.
AND IF YOU REALLY WANT
TO GRAB LIFE BY THE TAIL,
YOU COULD COME OVER HERE
FOR DINNER SOMETIME.
- WHEN?
GEE, THAT WASN'T
TOO PUSHY, WAS IT?
- NOT AT ALL.
MYRNA, STOP IT.
I'D LOVE TO HAVE
YOU FOR DINNER.
HOW ABOUT TUESDAY NIGHT?
- GREAT.
- YOU'RE ON.
- OH,
RHODA, BY THE WAY, WOULD YOU
MIND IF I BROUGHT A MAN?
- NO. NO, NOT AT ALL.
- WOULD YOU MIND
GETTING ME ONE TO BRING?
WELL...
[POUNDING]
- YEAH, JUST A LITTLE
BIT FURTHER, JOE.
A LITTLE FURTHER THERE.
GOOD.
- HEY,
WILL YOU GIVE AN IDEA WHERE
YOU WANT THIS CORD
TO END UP, BRENDA?
- IN THE BATHROOM.
THERE JUST AREN'T ENOUGH
OUTLETS IN THERE, JOE.
- WELL,
HOW MANY DO YOU NEED?
- LET'S SEE.
HOT CURLERS, HAIR DRYER,
A FACIAL SAUNA,
MAKEUP MIRROR--
UH, ROUGHLY 11.
OH, WAIT, WAIT, MAKE THAT 12.
I FORGOT MY DONALD
DUCK NIGHT LIGHT.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
- HI.
- HEY.
- HEY,
GUYS, AREN'T YOU READY TO GO
TO DINNER YET?
- IN A COUPLE OF MINUTES.
WE'RE ALMOST FINISHED.
- OK.
BRENDA, SPEAKING OF DINNER.
TUESDAY NIGHT, IF YOU'RE NOT
DOING ANYTHING, YOU WANNA COME
UP FOR DINNER?
- OH, GEE, THANKS, RHO.
HEY, LISTEN, WOULD IT BE
ALL RIGHT IF I BROUGHT A DATE?
- SURE. WHO?
- I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST WOULD LIKE TO COME
WITH A DATE FOR A CHANGE
INSTEAD OF SOLO.
- RIGHT.
- I GET TIRED OF PRETENDING
I JUST BROKE UP
WITH SOMEONE.
- I USED TO SAY
MY BOYFRIEND WAS SICK.
YEAH, I HAD THAT
POOR GUY RAVAGED
WITH EVERY
ILLNESS IMAGINABLE.
THEN, PEOPLE STARTED
GETTING SUSPICIOUS,
SO I LET HIM DIE.
THEN, I HAD A GOOD EXCUSE,
WHICH WAS, I WAS IN MOURNING.
SEE THAT?
- OH, WOW.
THEN I HAVE TO GET
A DATE, YOU SEE?
MY BLACK DRESS
IS IN THE CLEANERS.
- HA HA HA.
LISTEN, BREN, IT DOESN'T
MATTER ONE WAY OR THE OTHER
BECAUSE AN OLD FRIEND FROM HIGH
SCHOOL--MYRNA MORGENSTEIN?
- YEAH.
- FROM THE SHOWER. YEAH.
- SHE'S COMING TO DINNER.
AND SHE ASKED ME
TO GET HER A DATE,
BUT I TOLD HER THAT
I COULDN'T.
- YES, YOU CAN.
OH, YEAH.
WE CAN HAVE MY FRIEND,
CHARLIE BURKE,
OVER FOR DINNER, AND--
- OH, NO, NO, JOE,
NO, PLEASE, NO.
- IT'S BECAUSE YOU DON'T
LIKE CHARLIE, ISN'T IT?
- NO, IT ISN'T.
IT'S BECAUSE
I DON'T LIKE FIX-UPS.
YOU KNOW?
AND IF I DID LIKE FIX-UPS,
I WOULDN'T FIX ANYBODY UP
WITH CHARLIE,
AND THAT'S BECAUSE
I DON'T LIKE CHARLIE.
- WE CAN HAVE TWO PEOPLE OVER,
AND IT DOESN'T
HAVE TO BE A FIX-UP.
- I'M TELLING YOU, JOE,
IT WON'T WORK.
- HEY, WELL, LOOK,
CHARLIE IS MY FRIEND
AND I'D LIKE TO HAVE
HIM OVER, TOO.
COME ON, TRY IT.
- I DON'T HAVE TO TRY IT TO
KNOW THAT IT WILL NOT WORK.
IT'LL BE SOME CRUMMY FIX-UP,
AND THEN I'LL BE STUCK,
SMACK IN THE MIDDLE OF IT.
- YOU'RE SURE
IT'S NOT GONNA WORK...
- I KNOW IT WON'T.
- AND I THINK THAT IT WILL.
- SO, DO IT BECAUSE
YOU TRUST ME.
DO IT BECAUSE I WANT IT.
I'VE NEVER ASKED YOU FOR
ANYTHING LIKE THIS BEFORE.
COME ON, WHAT DO YOU
GOT TO LOSE, HUH?
- I'VE HEARD THAT WHOLE SPEECH
BEFORE, BUT USUALLY ENDING
WITH, "I SWEAR I'LL
STILL RESPECT YA."
I WILL GIVE YOU THE EXACT SAME
ANSWER I GAVE ALL OF THEM.
SURE.
GOTCHA!
GOTCHA!
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
- YEAH, JUST A MINUTE.
- HI, RHODA.
MYRNA MORGENSTEIN.
- WELL, HI, MYRNA.
GEE.
YOU--YOU JUST
LOOK WONDERFUL.
I'M AMAZED.
- IT'S THE NEW ME.
I'VE REALLY BEEN TRYING
TO BREAK OUT AND TAKE LIFE
ON ITS OWN TERMS.
I CAME THROUGH
CENTRAL PARK ALONE.
- OOH, WOW.
DID ANYTHING
INTERESTING HAPPEN?
- I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST KEPT RUNNING.
- YEAH, LISTEN,
WHY TAKE MORE FROM LIFE
THAN YOU'RE READY
TO HANDLE, RIGHT?
OK, LISTEN, MYRNA,
THERE'S SOMETHING I THINK
I SHOULD TELL YOU.
TONIGHT, THERE IS
SOMEONE ELSE COMING.
A FRIEND OF JOE'S.
NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
JUST BELIEVE ME,
IT IS NOT A FIX-UP.
- THAT'S TOO BAD.
- AHH.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
- HI, RHO.
- MYRNA?
- OH. HELLO, BRENDA.
MYRNA MORGENSTEIN.
- YEAH.
HEY, LISTEN, I THOUGHT YOU
WERE GOING TO BRING A DATE.
- OH, I AM. I AM.
LENNY'S GONNA MEET ME HERE.
- OH,
IS HE YOUR BOYFRIEND?
- NO, NO, NO.
HE'S JUST THIS GUY I KNOW
FOR WHEN EVERYONE
ELSE FALLS THROUGH.
- HE'S A THIRD COUSIN.
AND HE HAS
THIS THING ABOUT FEET.
I DON'T WANT TO GO INTO IT.
THERE'S JUST SO MUCH
YOU CAN SAY ABOUT TOES.
- YEAH, AND LENNY'S SAID IT ALL.
- YES.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
- YES?
- HIYA, CHARLIE.
- HEY.
- HI.
- LENNY?
- RHODA, YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.
THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL THING
YOU'RE WEARING THERE.
- THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
YOU KNOW MY SISTER
BRENDA, DON'T YOU?
- OH, BRENDA.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'VE GOT?
- WHAT?
- A GREAT FACE.
- WELL,
MY BODY FEELS A LITTLE
LEFT OUT, BUT MY FACE
REALLY THANKS YOU.
- HEY, I GUESS YOU GUYS
HAVE ALREADY MET, RIGHT?
- NO. HOW YA DOIN'?
- OH, WE RODE UP
IN THE ELEVATOR TOGETHER.
- WE DID?
- YEAH.
- SORRY.
- HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME.
- OH, TO ME, TOO.
LAST YEAR, I TOOK A 2-WEEK
TOUR OF LATIN AMERICA
WITH 20 PEOPLE, AND AS
WE WERE LEAVING FOR HOME,
19 OF THEM SAID,
"DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?"
[CLEARING THROAT]
- AND WHO MIGHT THIS BE?
- OH,
THAT'S JUST A FRIEND OF JOE'S.
- WHAT'S HIS NAME?
- CHARLIE BURKE.
- AND SHE'S...
- MYRNA MORGENSTEIN.
SHE'S JUST
A GIRLFRIEND OF MINE.
- HOW DO YOU DO?
- YEAH.
- IS THIS A FIX-UP?
- HUH?
- I HATE FIX-UPS.
- SO DO I.
- DON'T WE ALL?
- NO, NO, CHARLIE, REALLY.
LISTEN, YOU GOT TO UNDERSTAND.
MYRNA IS A FRIEND OF MINE.
I JUST INVITED HER TO DINNER.
THIS IS NOT A FIX-UP.
RIGHT?
- HEY.
TERRIFIC AUBURN HAIR.
- IT'S REALLY JUST RED.
- AUBURN.
IT'S AUBURN
AND IT'S TERRIFIC.
YOURS IS BROWN.
- WHEN YOU'RE RIGHT,
YOU'RE RIGHT.
- GEE,
BREN, YOU LOOK GREAT TONIGHT,
BUT WHY DIDN'T YOU
WEAR OPEN-TOED SHOES?
- I DIDN'T WANT TO EXCITE
EVERYBODY BEFORE DINNER.
- HEY,
IRREGARDLESS OF THE SHOES,
BRENDA, YOU LOOK FANTASTIC.
- EXCUSE ME.
THERE'S NO SUCH WORD
AS IRREGARDLESS.
- MYRNA IS THE
ENGLISH TEACHER.
GRAMMAR IS HER BEAT.
- HEY,
EVERYBODY'S HERE.
[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]
- GOOD TO SEE YOU.
HEY, I'M SORRY, BUT
THE LIQUOR STORE WAS CLOSED,
SO WE DON'T HAVE ANY MIXERS.
BUT YOU CAN HAVE ANYTHING
YOU WANT WITH WATER
OR ON THE ROCKS.
- OH, WATER'S FINE.
- WHAT WOULD YOU
LIKE WITH THAT?
- ROCKS.
- THAT'S A DELIGHTFUL SENSE
OF HUMOR YOU'VE GOT THERE.
HAVE YOU SEEN THE VIEW
FROM THE TERRACE?
- YES, I HAVE.
- HAVE YOU SEEN IT WITH ME?
- NO, I HAVEN'T.
- HEY, WHAT VIEW?
- 15 SUPERS STACKING
GARBAGE CANS.
- YOU STILL HAVE A VIEW.
I'LL BE OUT THERE,
AND I'LL HAVE A VIEW.
SHE'LL BE OUT THERE.
- THAT WAS VERY THRILLING,
WHAT YOU JUST SAID.
- YA SEE?
WE DIDN'T EVEN TRY
AND FIX THEM UP AND LOOK.
- IT'S A LITTLE EARLY TO
BE SAYING, "I TOLD YOU SO."
OK? HE'S PROBABLY OUT
THERE HAVING HER RENOUNCE
THE DEWEY DECIMAL SYSTEM.
WELL, THEY CAN'T STAY
OUT THERE FOR LONG.
I MEAN, IT IS
FREEZING OUT THERE.
- YEAH, SHE SHOULD
BE WEARING BOOTS.
LEATHER ONES...
WITH NICE WARM FUR INSIDE.
- BRENDA...
- LENNY?
NO MORE SHOE TALK.
- SO, UH, LISTEN, MYRNA.
THEN WHAT ABOUT
THURSDAY NIGHT, HUH?
- NO, I CAN'T.
- OH, OK.
WELL, LET'S MAKE
IT FRIDAY, THEN.
HUH?
- NO. NO, I CAN'T.
- I KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE SHOOTING FOR.
OK, SATURDAY.
- NO, NO, REALLY I CAN'T.
- WELL, WHY NOT?
- I JUST CAN'T.
- WELL, I MEAN, YOU MUST
HAVE A REASON, YOU KNOW?
I MEAN, YOU CAN
TELL ME WHY NOT.
- I--TO BE HONEST WITH YOU,
YOU SEE, I DON'T THINK
I WANT TO GO OUT WITH YOU.
- OH.
- IN FACT, I KNOW THAT I
DON'T WANT TO GO OUT WITH YOU.
- OK.
- AND I'M VERY SORRY
TO HAVE TO TELL YOU
THAT I JUST DON'T
WANT TO GO OUT WITH YOU.
- I UNDERSTAND.
YOU DON'T OWE ME ANYTHING!
I GUESS THAT'S CLEAR...
TO ALL OF US, HUH?
- HEY,
NOBODY HEARD ANYTHING.
COME ON, LET ME FIX
YOU A DRINK, JOE.
- NO, I DON'T WANT A DRINK.
I'M SORRY, JOE.
THERE'S NO SENSE
CONTINUING ON.
- CONTINUING ON IS REDUNDANT.
- CHARLIE.
STAY FOR A DRINK, WILL YA?
- WELL,
I'LL STAY FOR A DRINK.
- I THINK YOUR EXACT WORDS
WERE, "WE CAN INVITE TWO PEOPLE
OVER WITHOUT THEM
THINKING IT'S A FIX-UP."
- YOU KNOW, IT REALLY WOULD'VE
BEEN A CLASSY THING IF YOU
HADN'T HAVE HAD TO SAY,
"I TOLD YOU SO."
- I KNOW.
BUT IF I'D HAVE TRIED TO
HOLD THAT IN ME, THE PRESSURE
WOULD'VE BLOWN OUT MY TEETH.
DO YOU THINK HE WAS HURT?
- YEAH, YEAH, SURE.
- YOU DO?
- HE WAS HURT.
- I HURT SOMEONE?
I'VE NEVER HURT ANYONE IN MY
ENTIRE LIFE, LET ALONE A MAN.
- OH, MYRNA, LISTEN,
YOU COULDN'T HELP IT.
- OH, RHODA,
RHODA, I HURT SOMEONE.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
- RHODA?
- YEAH, IT'S ME.
HI, BREN.
LISTEN, I'VE GOT SO MUCH FOOD
LEFT OVER FROM LAST NIGHT,
I FIGURED MAYBE YOU
COULD USE SOME. RIGHT?
YOU COULD MAKE DINNER
FOR LENNY OR SOMETHING.
- OH, NO, NOT LENNY.
DEFINITELY NOT LENNY.
- WHY? WHAT HAPPENED?
- WELL,
LAST NIGHT, MYRNA, LENNY,
AND I LEFT YOUR PLACE AND WENT
DOWN THE ELEVATOR TOGETHER.
- YEAH? SO?
- SO,
ON THE FIFTH FLOOR, MYRNA
SAID, "WOULD YOU LIKE TO GET
TOGETHER FOR LUNCH SOMETIME?"
AND ON THE FOURTH FLOOR,
I SAID, "SURE."
AND ON THE THIRD FLOOR,
SHE SAID, "I MEANT LENNY."
AND ON THE SECOND FLOOR,
HE SAID, "I'D LOVE TO."
I GOT OFF, AND
THEY KEPT GOING.
AS FAR AS I KNOW, THEY'RE
STILL RIDING THAT ELEVATOR
OFF INTO THE SUNSET.
- WOW.
- MYRNA?
SHY LITTLE MYRNA CAME
ON TO EVEN SHYER LENNY?
AND IT WORKED?
- YEAH.
YOU KNOW, I'M NOT IN LOVE
WITH LENNY OR ANYTHING,
BUT HE WAS ALWAYS THERE TO FALL
BACK ON, AND NOW HE ISN'T.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT
THIS MEANS, RHODA?
I'M WORKING WITHOUT AN NET.
- AW.
AW, KID, I'M SORRY.
I REALLY AM. I MEAN,
YOU FEEL AWFUL, HUH?
- NO, I FEEL ANGER.
LOTS OF ANGER.
I MEAN, HOW COULD
HE GO WITH HER?
THE ONE PERSON YOU FIGURE
YOU'RE SAFE WITH IS LENNY.
YOU GO SOMEPLACE WITH A LENNY,
YOU COME HOME WITH A LENNY.
YOU DON'T LOSE LENNYS.
- I CAN'T FIGURE
HOW IT HAPPENED.
I MEAN, MYRNA DOESN'T
EXACTLY COME ON STRONG.
- OH, WELL,
THAT'S HER STYLE.
SHE PLIED HIM
WITH HER GRAMMAR.
SHE FLAUNTED HER TIMIDITY.
I DIDN'T HAVE A CHANCE.
YOU KNOW, RHO, IF YOU HADN'T
GONE TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH HER,
NONE OF THIS
WOULD'VE HAPPENED.
- NOW, JUST WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A SECOND.
DON'T GO BLAMING ME FOR THIS.
I WAS A POOR, INNOCENT PERSON
SITTING IN MY APARTMENT
WHEN THIS LITTLE, RED-HEADED
GIRL COMES IN AND
ASKS TO BE MY FRIEND.
- WELL,
YOU SHOULD'VE SAID NO.
- YES,
YES, I SHOULD'VE SAID NO.
BUT MA BRAINWASHED ME
TO OBEY ALL SHORT PEOPLE.
[BUZZER]
- YES?
- YES,
THIS IS CARLTON,
YOUR DOORMAN.
- HELLO, CARLTON.
- IS YOUR SISTER THERE
BY ANY CHANCE?
- YEAH. HOW'D YOU KNOW?
- WELL,
ABOUT 5 MINUTES AGO, SHE ASKED
ME TO GET HER A CAB, AND
I DID AND IT'S HERE NOW.
- OH. WELL, JUST A SECOND.
WHERE ARE YOU
HEADED, RHO?
- DOWNTOWN.
CAN I GIVE YOU A LIFT?
- YEAH.
- GOOD.
- I'M CONTINUING
ON MY MERCY MISSIONS.
I'VE GOTTA GO DOWN AND SEE
CHARLIE, SEE HOW HE'S FEELING
ABOUT WHAT
HAPPENED LAST NIGHT.
YEAH, CARLTON?
- YEAH, THIS IS
CARLTON, YOUR DOORMAN.
- UH-HUH. YEAH.
LOOK, CARLTON,
TELL THE CABBIE I'LL
BE DOWN IN LIKE A COUPLE
OF MINUTES, AND WOULD
HE PLEASE WAIT.
- OH,
YEAH, HE WON'T MIND.
I INVITED HIM IN.
WE'RE JUST SITTING
HERE SOCIALIZING.
- ON SECOND THOUGHT,
WE'LL TAKE A SUBWAY.
- I THINK THAT'S WISE.
- WELL,
CHARLIE, I CAME DOWN HERE
BECAUSE I WANT TO TALK ABOUT
WHAT HAPPENED THE OTHER NIGHT.
- LISTEN, NO PROBLEM.
JUST FORGET IT.
IT'S LIKE WATER OFF
A DUCK'S BACK.
WHY DID SHE SAY NO?
WHAT REASON COULD
SHE POSSIBLY HAVE?
- WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
THIS SORT OF THING
HAPPENS TO EVERYONE.
- YOU POISONED HER
MIND, DIDN'T YOU?
- ME? WHAT? I DID NOT!
I DIDN'T.
- YOU MUST HAVE, BECAUSE
NO WOMAN'S EVER SAID NO
TO ME BEFORE.
- OH, COME ON, CHARLIE.
- NEVER.
- IT HAD TO HAVE
HAPPENED TO YOU. COME ON.
- NO. OK, ONCE. ALL RIGHT.
- YEAH, RIGHT.
- BUT THAT DIDN'T
EVEN BOTHER ME.
- WHY NOT?
- THE GIRL WAS
ELIZABETH TAYLOR.
- YOU ASKED
ELIZABETH TAYLOR OUT?
- YEAH.
SAW HER IN A RESTAURANT.
- YEAH?
- WE WERE MAKING EYE CONTACT.
A LOT OF EYE CONTACT.
- MM-HMM.
- SHE HAS VIOLET EYES, YOU KNOW?
- YEAH, I HEARD THAT. YEAH.
- SO,
FINALLY, I FIGURED, SO WHAT?
SO SHE'S A BIG MOVIE STAR
AND I'M JUST AS REGULAR GUY.
SHE HAS URGES, TOO.
SO I WALKED ACROSS THAT ROOM,
AND LET ME TELL YOU, IT WAS
THE LONGEST WALK OF MY LIFE.
AND I SAID, "MISS TAYLOR?
"MY NAME IS CHARLIE, AND I
THINK WE BOTH HAVE THE SAME
"THING ON OUR MINDS.
"I'M GONNA GET YOU YOUR COAT,
NOW, AND I'M GONNA WALK YOU
OUT OF THIS PLACE."
- WHAT DID SHE SAY?
- SHE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.
BUT EDDIE FISHER
TOLD ME TO GET LOST.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
- YEAH?
COME ON IN, BREN.
- OH, HIYA, MYRNA.
HOW ARE YOU?
- WONDERFUL, JUST WONDERFUL.
I'M REALLY BROADENING MY LIFE.
- YEAH. YOUR BRIEFCASE, TOO.
- OH,
THIS IS MY PORTFOLIO.
I'M TAKING A LIVE DRAWING
CLASS AT CITY COLLEGE.
- OH, YEAH?
- YEAH. YOU KNOW,
WITH A LIVE NAKED MODEL.
- YEAH.
- THAT WAS A BIG STEP FOR ME.
- OH, BEFORE YOU TAKE
ANY MORE BIG STEPS,
I WANT TO TALK TO YOU. HUH?
- JUST GIVE ME
A SECOND TO UNWIND.
I'VE HAD SUCH AN EXCITING DAY.
I'VE BEEN MAKING SO MANY
NEW FRIENDS, RHODA.
WE GO OUT AFTER CLASS FOR
COFFEE, AND WE TALK ABOUT ART
AND MUSIC...DIAPER RASH.
A LOT OF THEM ARE MARRIED.
- I SEE.
LOOK, MYRNA, WE DON'T HAVE
A LOT OF TIME, BECAUSE I DON'T
THINK YOU'RE GONNA WANT
TO HANG AROUND HERE.
SEE, CHARLIE AND JOE WERE
OUT PLAYING BASKETBALL.
THEY'LL COME WALKING
IN HERE ANY MINUTE.
- OH, I DON'T MIND.
I MEAN,
IF I STARTED AVOIDING EVERY
MAN I TURNED DOWN, I'D
JUST...BE AVOIDING CHARLIE.
YOU KNOW, HE'S THE FIRST
DATE I EVER TURNED DOWN.
- HE WAS YOUR FIRST?
- I COULD NEVER SAY NO
TO ANYONE WHO WAS NICE ENOUGH
TO ASK ME OUT.
- OH, MYRNA.
SCOOT OVER.
LISTEN TO ME.
I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL, AND I
KNOW HOW SENSITIVE YOU ARE.
I KNOW IT. AND THAT'S
WHAT MAKES IT SO TOUGH.
BUT SOMETIMES, YOU KNOW,
SENSITIVE PEOPLE
ARE INSENSITIVE TO OTHERS.
AND...HERE'S THE FLASH.
YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT
I FOUND OUT?
- YEAH.
- CHARLIE HAS
FEELINGS, TOO.
- AW, COME ON.
- HIYA, BABE.
- HI.
- DID THE KNICKS CALL?
- WHAT?
- I THOUGHT THEY MIGHT HAVE
HEARD ABOUT THAT JUMP SHOT
I JUST MADE.
- HELLO, CHARLIE.
- I HAVE TO GO.
- UH, YES.
MAYBE I SHOULD, TOO.
- WELL,
ONE OF US BETTER GO FIRST,
BECAUSE WE'RE NOT
GOING TOGETHER.
OK, YOU GO, I'LL STAY.
- NO,
MAYBE WE BOTH SHOULD STAY,
BECAUSE ACCORDING TO RHODA,
YOU GOT THE WRONG IDEA
ABOUT THE OTHER NIGHT.
- MAYBE I DID
AND MAYBE I DIDN'T.
- WHAT IDEA DID YOU GET?
- THAT YOU'RE NUTS.
I MEAN,
YOU DIDN'T GO OUT WITH ME,
AND WE BOTH KNOW WHY.
- OH, WELL,
WAIT A MINUTE,
JUST A SECOND HERE.
MYRNA, DID I EVER SAY ONE
WORD TO YOU AGAINST CHARLIE?
- CHARLIE, RHODA WOULDN'T DO
A THING LIKE THAT.
- WELL, THEN, WHY WOULDN'T
SHE GO OUT WITH ME?
- I'LL TELL YOU.
CHARLIE?
YOU WOULD'VE TAKEN ME
OUT TO DINNER, RIGHT?
- YEAH,
SURE, I'D SPRING FOR DINNER.
- AND YOU WOULD'VE BEEN
CHARMING AND FUNNY
AND COMPLIMENTARY.
YOU WOULD'VE MADE A PASS,
AND I WOULD'VE BEEN AFRAID
THAT YOU WOULD THINK
I WAS A SQUARE,
SO I WOULD'VE ACCEPTED.
- YOU BUSY THURSDAY?
- THEN,
BEING WHO I AM, I WOULD'VE
FALLEN FOR YOU HARD,
AND WOULD YOU CALL AGAIN?
- WOULD YOU?
- SURE,
HE'D CALL AGAIN.
- HE WOULD CALL.
- I WOULD. I WOULD.
- OK.
THEN WE'D START
TO SEE EACH OTHER,
AND AFTER 3 OR 4 WEEKS,
WE'D BE A THING.
- YEAH. 4 WEEKS.
- MAYBE YOU'D COME UP
TO SCHOOL TO PICK ME UP.
- WHERE'S YOUR SCHOOL?
- IN THE BRONX.
- NO, MEET ME DOWNTOWN.
- OK.
SEE?
THERE I AM RUNNING
OUT OF SCHOOL,
GETTING INTO THE SUBWAY,
ROARING INTO THE CITY,
DASHING UP YOUR STEPS, SAYING,
"CHARLIE, I'M HERE."
AND WHAT WOULD EVERYBODY
BE SAYING THEN, RHODA?
- UH, HEY, WHADDAYA THINK
ABOUT MYRNA AND CHARLIE?
- I HEAR SHE'S RUNNING UP
THE STEPS AND EVERYTHING.
- SEE?
THE WHOLE WORLD'S TALKING
ABOUT US HERE, MYRNA.
- SEE?
THEN A FEW MONTHS GO BY,
AND ONE NIGHT I CAN'T HOLD IT
IN ANY LONGER, AND I SAY,
"I LOVE YOU, CHARLIE."
- HEY,
WAIT A MINUTE, WE DON'T HAVE
TO TALK ABOUT THAT NOW.
- I KNOW.
I JUST WANTED TO SAY IT.
I'VE NEVER SAID IT.
- WELL, IT'S--
- LET HER SAY IT.
- I LOVE YOU, CHARLIE.
- OK! OK!
YOU FEEL THAT WAY,
BUT I TOLD YOU UP FRONT,
I'M A CONFIRMED BACHELOR.
- RHODA, WHAT SHOULD I DO?
HE DOESN'T WANT
TO BE TIED DOWN.
- HONEY, YOU GOT
TO FORGET ABOUT HIM.
YOU LET HIM GO.
HE'S NOTHING.
- JOE,
WHAT DID I DO WITH MYRNA HERE?
SHE'S SO POSSESSIVE,
I CAN'T BREATHE.
I CAN'T BREATHE, JOE.
- THE ONLY THING YOU CAN DO
IS MAKE A CLEAN BREAK OF IT.
- MYRNA?
I'VE BEEN
A BACHELOR ALL MY LIFE.
I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.
YOU'RE A WONDERFUL GIRL AND...
AND I'M SORRY, KID.
I JUST DON'T WANT
TO GET MARRIED.
- I WANT TO THANK YOU
FOR YOUR HONESTY, CHARLIE,
AND I'VE DECIDED
TO LEAVE NEW YORK
AND SEEK A TEACHING POSITION
IN NEW MEXICO.
AND THAT'S WHY I WON'T
GO OUT WITH YOU.
[BUZZER]
[BUZZER]
- WHAT IS IT, CARLTON?
- UH,
THIS IS CARLTON,
YOUR DOORMAN.
THERE'S SOMEBODY DOWN HERE WHO
HAS GIVEN ME A SIZABLE TIP
TO PUT HIM IN TOUCH WITH YOU.
- WHO IS IT?
- CARLTON, YOUR DOORMAN.
- I MEAN, WHO WANTS
TO TALK TO ME?
- OH, WHO ARE YOU?
- LENNY FIEDLER.
- WHO IS IT, CARLTON?
- I FORGOT.
- IF IT'S LENNY FIEDLER--
- THAT'S HIM.
- I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO HIM.
- LISTEN, HE GAVE ME A $5.00 TIP
AND HE CAN TALK TO ANYONE
HE WANTS TO TALK TO.
GO AHEAD.
- HELLO, BRENDA?
I WAS JUST IN THE
NEIGHBORHOOD, SO I THOUGHT I'D
COME OVER AND BEG
FOR FORGIVENESS.
- AFTER WHAT YOU DID, LENNY?
GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON
WHY I SHOULD TAKE YOU BACK.
- SHE THREW ME OUT.
- COME ON UP.
- IT'S REALLY GONNA BE
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
I-I-I REALLY THOUGHT OF YOU--
- EXCUSE ME.
YOUR $5.00 ARE UP.