Review (2014–2017): Season 1, Episode 6 - Road Rage; Orgy - full transcript
Critic Forrest MacNeil reviews real-life experiences that include road rage and going to an orgy.
Life, it's literally all we have,
but is it any good?
I'm a reviewer,
but I don't review food,
books, or movies.
I review life itself.
Viva la revolucion!
[screams]
Welcome to Review. I'm Forrest MacNeil.
As usual, I'll be reviewing
whatever experiences you send in
that are, in turn, handed
off to me by Miss A.J. Gibbs.
Let's do it.
Our next email comes to us from
Charles in Franklin, Tennessee.
He writes...
_
Oh, boy.
What's it like to have road rage?
[growls]
Mother[bleep]!
I had always found driving very relaxing,
but I would have to find a way
to let other people's driving
drive me into a full-on rage.
Get out of my [bleep] way.
I gassed up and went searching
for automotive outrages.
Okay, the traffic is
really heavy over there,
so it would be good to get into that,
and then there'll be really some things
to get mad about.
Dense traffic.
Oh, great.
I'm stuck behind a [bleep]...
What is that, a tractor?
Don't drive a tractor on
the street in traffic.
Just so I'm clear, it's not illegal
to give someone the finger, right?
Because I'm thinking of
giving someone the finger.
But it's not illegal, right?
You don't get arrested for that, do you?
No.
Hurry up, grandma!
[horn honks]
They've been doing construction
on this street for four months!
Enough!
I mean it's an important drainage project,
I understand that, but it's infuriating.
I don't know if I'm really
feeling all the anger
I need to here, but I'll try again.
I saw plenty of carelessness,
but none of it was
harmful to me, personally,
until, finally, I got lucky.
What the hell is this?
This guy's passing me on a two-lane street.
[horn honks] Hey, Jack-whack.
That's for you, the middle finger!
Eat it!
Oh. Oh, okay.
Here we go. It is on.
Come with me. Road rage in action.
Hey, you don't pass somebody
on a two-lane street!
That's not safe.
Okay, all right. Oh, ah, no, never mind.
It's fine. I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I just didn't think it was safe
to go on a... pass... oh.
Hey, excuse me.
Uh, wait a minute.
Please don't get in my car.
Hey, wait a minute. Wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait!
Where you going?
Please come back!
The cowards who drove off in
my car robbed me of the chance
to experience a true
road rage confrontation.
To do that now, however,
I would need another car.
No way. Nobody touches my wheels.
- Please, just for today.
- Forget it.
The last guy I loaned my car to
turned out to be a seat sniffer.
There were pictures of my
seat all over the internet.
- No.
- Yeah.
God.
Well, you know I'm not a seat sniffer.
No. I don't know that.
FYI, I lock my office chair up at night,
so don't even think about it.
My secretary had gone insane,
but my intern came through.
His only condition was
that I give him a lift
to doctor's appointment
at a marijuana dispensary.
I wasn't in a position to argue.
Oh, don't take the duct
tape off the steering column
or the steering wheel will
come off in your hands.
- Really?
- Yep.
Does the horn work?
[horn honks] Good.
I just bought new belts
and got oil for it.
You just put a bunch
of money into this car?
- Yeah.
- Really?
You thought that was a good thing
- to do with your money?
- totally.
Hey, isn't that your wife?
That is my wife.
Who's that guy she's with?
I do not know.
That is a good question.
Oh, that's her divorce attorney.
Why do you still need a divorce lawyer,
like, after your divorce is done?
I don't know.
What if she was [bleep] him? [laughs]
Then their professional relationship
would be a blow-fessional fella-tionship.
That's one of the most disgusting things
I've ever heard.
That's, like, the funniest thing
I've ever said.
Well, it's disgusting.
Please don't say it again.
Sorry.
Boy, they really are laughing a lot.
Yeah, they're probably laughing about
how gigantic his dick is. [laughs]
Oh, my God.
She is [bleep] her lawyer.
Oh, okay, this business lunch
just became a jizz-ness munch.
Shut up!
I knew something was happening with them
the first time I saw the
two of them together.
She is [bleep] her divorce attorney!
- Are you okay?
- No!
I now understood that road
rage is just like regular rage,
except that it usually happens in a car.
It must come from within
and I had plenty of it now.
I asked my intern to throw more logs
on the raging fire in my heart.
Say more inappropriate things
about their sexual relationship.
- I don't want to...
- Talk about the [bleep] jobs
and the [bleep]. Do it!
Okay, well, they just got together, so...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- They're probably trying stuff
the two of you weren't comfortable doing.
Like, he's putting legal stuff in her butt.
And he's laying her on the ground
and then picking her up by her boobs.
Keep going!
There's, like, pictures of your kids.
He's making eye contact with the photos
while he [bleep] her in the butt.
[screams] [horn honks]
Oh, what the... that son
of a bitch just cut me off!
Hey, [bleep] you, you piece of [bleep]!
[tires screech] [bleep] you!
Oh, this is amazing.
Okay, this [bleep] is on.
You just [bleep] with the wrong guy.
What the [bleep] is the matter with you?
I've got your back, Mr. MacNeil.
I'm trying to [bleep] drive, here!
You blow through that stop sign like that!
Don't [bleep] do that to people!
You got a stop sign,
you stop at the [bleep] white line!
- Mr. MacNeil!
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
Hey, [bleep], it looks
like something happened
To your [bleep] tail
light! [glass shatters]
[laughs] - Yeah.
What the [bleep] happened
To your side-view mirror, [bleep]?
[glass shatters] - [laughs]
Looks like your blind spot
just got a little bigger, [bleep]-wit.
What are you gonna do about it?
What am I gonna do about it?
You forgot about something.
Oh, you forgot one more thing.
Hey, you ever been in a smash-off?
You are now.
Smash-off! [growls]
No, no, Mr. MacNeil! no!
[growls] - No, Mr. MacNeil!
[howls]
Stop, Mr. MacNeil! that's my [bleep] car!
[howls] - Please, Mr. MacNeil!
- I... Please!
- [grunts]
[bleep] stop hitting my car!
[roars]
- What the hell, man?
- [bleep] you!
What are you gonna do now, [bleep]?
I will end you!
[bleep] [bleep], get in the car!
- Come on! Come on!
- Get in the car now!
Oh, [bleep]. Oh, [bleep].
- Get in the car!
- Come on!
[bleep] [bleep]! Oh, [bleep]!
Get in, get in, get in, get in, get in!
[screams]
Oh, [bleep]. Go! go! go!
What is he doing? Oh, God!
- Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!
- Go, go, go!
- Oh!
- Oh, [bleep].
As you can see,
road rage is a contagious disease
and the recommended treatment
is getting the [bleep] out of here!
Mr. MacNeil, he's behind us!
What is he doing? What is he doing?
He's going to try to ram us.
Oh!
I'm gonna kill you with my dick!
- Oh, my God.
- [horn honks]
Oh, God! oh, God!
He went over the edge!
My producer, Grant, is always on hand
to assist with unexpected complications.
In this case, his insight
was especially helpful.
He turned around... and went that way.
- I'm happy to drive.
- Oh, okay.
- I'll see you guys tomorrow.
- Yep, tomorrow.
Bye, Grant.
But it appears that other gentleman
also saw the folly of road rage
and, uh...
You know, turned around...
And went on home,
and that is definitely
what I would recommend
for someone who feels road rage coming on.
Thank God. I-I thought he died.
Because that screeching
sound and the tire tracks
going right off the cliff.
No. No.
No.
Road rage, 1 1/2 stars.
Our next question comes to us
from Gary in Santa Monica, California.
Hey, Forrest, uh, you know
I don't want to limit myself
to just one lady.
What would it be like to bang
a bunch of them in an orgy?
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, no. [laughter]
Well, it sounds like Gary
wants me to go to an orgy.
It's okay. Don't worry.
If you get nervous, just do that thing
where you imagine everyone
else in their underwear.
Wait, don't do that.
Because then you'd be the only one naked.
Yeah. Thank you for trying to help.
Okay, I'm off to go have sex
with many different people...
At once. Oh, boy.
Was sending a civilized man into an orgy
like releasing a zoo monkey into the wild?
And if so, would he survive?
To find out, this monkey would
need to find his sex jungle.
This one's locked. Really?
What's the other way out?
I had no idea how to locate an
orgy, so I consulted with Tom,
the interventionist who helped me
during my review of addiction.
He, himself, was a recovering sex addict.
How are things with your wife?
Are you guys talking again or what?
Um, no.
I mean, I can't say I blame her.
I mean, I [bleep] two of her sisters.
I [bleep] her boss.
I came on her dog.
Yeah, that all sounds pretty gross.
- Yeah.
- Hey, though,
I have a slightly awkward
thing to ask you about.
Go ahead.
Out of all of the orgies
that you used to go to...
- Mm-Hmm?
- Which would you say was, like,
the best?
[chuckles] Oh, jeez, Forrest.
It's... you now, it's
not a good idea for me
to even talk about that.
Right. Okay.
- Yeah, no, I get that.
- Yeah.
I don't want to talk
about cocaine, believe me.
I don't want... [chuckles]
Right, I mean...
But I would probably tell somebody
where they could get cocaine,
you know what I mean?
A time and an address
or something like that?
But, with a bit of gentle persuasion,
Tom told me about an orgy
that he had attended regularly
during his years as a
compulsive haver of sex.
He described it as exclusive, elaborate,
and, in a turn of phrase
I know will haunt me
for the rest of my days,
"Totally ball draining."
- "Totally ball draining"?
- Yes.
Totally ball draining.
- Forrest?
- Hmm?
Were you expecting a scroll, a
[bleep] ring, and a fancy mask?
Uh, yes. Yes, I was.
It's... [clears throat]
For my review, of course.
I used to work for an accountant.
He was a nice man.
Give this please.
This orgy is a top secret private affair.
So I'm gonna let my cameraman out here,
and I'm afraid you, dear viewer,
will need to experience this
by stealing furtive glances
through the windows like a common pervert.
As I arrived at the sex mansion,
I will confess that I was terrified.
It had dawned on me that
participants at an orgy
might be required to know
how to find and handle
certain parts of a lady.
Scroll here.
I was immediately confronted
with dozens of naked people
writhing and thrusting in wild
pleasure all over the house.
It seemed to me like a vision of hell.
But there was no turning back now.
[grunting and moaning]
Despite my extreme
discomfort with casual sex,
I was determined to get into the mix.
After about an hour, I came to accept
that I would need to remove my clothing.
But even that did little to
arouse me or anyone else.
The ironwork on this staircase is...
Remarkable.
Hey, listen, I think we need to decide
whether this is a snack
table or another sex surface.
Because I really don't think
it can be both, you know?
You know, to tell you the
truth, there is no place
that I feel comfortable
setting down these snacks.
It seemed I was incapable
of getting in the spirit.
But then I met the king of the orgy.
This is your first time at an orgy, yes?
You know... Yes, actually.
That's right, yes, th... Yep.
This is my first orgy.
You must embrace the power of the mask
to transform you from
whoever you are out there,
into a glorious [bleep] beast
who is born when you walk in here,
and who dies when your
balls are fully drained.
That was the attitude
adjustment I'd needed.
I think I can do that. I
can be a [bleep] beast.
I was freed from Forrest
MacNeil's self-consciousness
and his fears of being perfectly
average in the penis department.
Who wants to have sex with me?
[shrill yelp]
Let's keep this fella-tionship
strictly blow-fessional.
I'm asking for oral sex.
The barriers I had put up between myself
and wild sexual abandon were washed away
in a tidal wave of pleasure.
And I have to say,
it was one of the greatest
[bleep] nights of my life.
I'm a [bleep] beast!
But my night at the mansion had changed me.
Tom... hey.
- How's it going?
- Good.
- How are you?
- Good. Real good.
- How are you?
- Good, good. Doing well.
So, uh, the thing worked out Friday?
- Oh, my, yes, it did.
- Oh, yeah?
I just want to say, thank you
so much for the hookup there.
Oh, my God.
That was an unforgettable experience.
Everywhere I looked there were
these big beautiful breasts
with pert, pink little nipples
and firm, pulchritudinous buttocks
and soft, inviting labia majora.
You know what? You know what?
Can we... Can we change the topic?
- Yeah.
- Let's talk about
- something else.
- Of course.
I'm so sorry.
No, no, don't be.
- Yes. Oh, no.
- Don't be.
I brought it up.
Yeah, you did bring it up.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Anyway, remember that cooking class
I was telling you about?
- Yes.
- Yeah.
Well, last night they taught
us how to make paella.
It's really cool, actually.
You need a special pan to...
How'd you like to bury your face in that?
Mmm.
Ohh.
Next week, they're gonna
teach us how to make brisket.
What the [bleep] are you talking about?
Friday night couldn't arrive fast enough.
After a week without sex,
my loins were like a
thirsty spice merchant,
stranded in the desert and these
women's vaginae were the water.
That night I would drink deeply.
My tongue explored.
My fingers probed.
My swollen average-sized member
became a hammer of the gods.
No fear, no regret, no guilt.
And then there was some guilt.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, no.
[moans] Oh, no.
Hey. Hey! Tom!
- Oh, you.
- What are you doing here?
You know, joylessly and compulsively
[bleep] everything I can.
Tom, no. You gotta get out of here.
Tom, you're a sex addict.
This is a relapse.
You have to get out of here, now.
Sir, is there a problem?
Yes, there is a problem.
He doesn't belong here!
[gasping]
You are mistaken, sir.
We all belong here.
Yet, clearly a dispute exists.
Therefore, I declare a [bleep]-off!
[cheers and applause]
- All: In, out, in, out, in, out!
- Wait, wait, wait, wait!
What is a [bleep]-off?
It's very simple.
Each of you will assemble a
five-person [bleep] squad.
You will [bleep] the people you choose
Until one of you can't [bleep] anymore.
The loser has to leave my house forever,
and the winner is the king of the orgy.
[cheers and applause]
You people are insane. All:
In, out, in, out, in, out!
I'd save that energy for the [bleep]-off.
My [bleep] beast had
created a horrible problem,
and apparently would have to solve it too.
If I wanted Tom out, I was going
to have to [bleep] him out.
Would you want to be on my team?
Okay. I'm sorry.
[speaks French]
Sex feels good, and this was sex,
but the competition was turning nasty.
You picked too many hotties, buddy.
You got to pick camels, not racehorses.
Hey!
Just mind your own business over there.
You pick one who looks like
your ex-wife on purpose?
Shut up.
She does look just like her, doesn't she?
What are they doing in cooking
class tonight, Tom, huh?
As I rotated through my [bleep] squad,
I realized that I was no beast.
I was just a man and I had had enough
of this awesome pleasure hill.
But I couldn't leave poor Tom here.
No. I would win this [bleep]-off.
And finally, nearly 30 glorious
minutes of uninterrupted humping
proved to be too much for
Tom's weary [bleep] muscles.
- Ow, cramp, cramp, cramp!
- Yeah!
[cheers and applause]
Or had Tom's guardian angel
taken the form of me without my underwear?
Who knows?
Bravo.
Thank you.
Thank you and thank you so
much to my [bleep] squad.
I could not have done it without you guys.
As your new king, I hereby
decree that the sex between us
will no longer be anonymous.
Let's take off these masks, you guys.
- We don't need 'em.
- He's hideous.
Come on. Who knows?
Maybe some of us will find real love here,
instead of just sex.
[distant moaning]
[door slams]
Hey, our friendship is off,
because you're a jerk!
Screw you, Forrest MacNeil!
Oh, you're welcome.
First of all, gross.
And second of all,
what did you take away from that orgy?
Two things: a drug-resistant
form of gonorrhea
and an important realization.
You see, I was delighted by the variety
and the abundance of sex there,
but by the end of my time as a swinger,
I didn't know what felt more empty.
My heart, my soul, or my balls?
Going to an orgy, two stars.
but is it any good?
I'm a reviewer,
but I don't review food,
books, or movies.
I review life itself.
Viva la revolucion!
[screams]
Welcome to Review. I'm Forrest MacNeil.
As usual, I'll be reviewing
whatever experiences you send in
that are, in turn, handed
off to me by Miss A.J. Gibbs.
Let's do it.
Our next email comes to us from
Charles in Franklin, Tennessee.
He writes...
_
Oh, boy.
What's it like to have road rage?
[growls]
Mother[bleep]!
I had always found driving very relaxing,
but I would have to find a way
to let other people's driving
drive me into a full-on rage.
Get out of my [bleep] way.
I gassed up and went searching
for automotive outrages.
Okay, the traffic is
really heavy over there,
so it would be good to get into that,
and then there'll be really some things
to get mad about.
Dense traffic.
Oh, great.
I'm stuck behind a [bleep]...
What is that, a tractor?
Don't drive a tractor on
the street in traffic.
Just so I'm clear, it's not illegal
to give someone the finger, right?
Because I'm thinking of
giving someone the finger.
But it's not illegal, right?
You don't get arrested for that, do you?
No.
Hurry up, grandma!
[horn honks]
They've been doing construction
on this street for four months!
Enough!
I mean it's an important drainage project,
I understand that, but it's infuriating.
I don't know if I'm really
feeling all the anger
I need to here, but I'll try again.
I saw plenty of carelessness,
but none of it was
harmful to me, personally,
until, finally, I got lucky.
What the hell is this?
This guy's passing me on a two-lane street.
[horn honks] Hey, Jack-whack.
That's for you, the middle finger!
Eat it!
Oh. Oh, okay.
Here we go. It is on.
Come with me. Road rage in action.
Hey, you don't pass somebody
on a two-lane street!
That's not safe.
Okay, all right. Oh, ah, no, never mind.
It's fine. I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I just didn't think it was safe
to go on a... pass... oh.
Hey, excuse me.
Uh, wait a minute.
Please don't get in my car.
Hey, wait a minute. Wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait!
Where you going?
Please come back!
The cowards who drove off in
my car robbed me of the chance
to experience a true
road rage confrontation.
To do that now, however,
I would need another car.
No way. Nobody touches my wheels.
- Please, just for today.
- Forget it.
The last guy I loaned my car to
turned out to be a seat sniffer.
There were pictures of my
seat all over the internet.
- No.
- Yeah.
God.
Well, you know I'm not a seat sniffer.
No. I don't know that.
FYI, I lock my office chair up at night,
so don't even think about it.
My secretary had gone insane,
but my intern came through.
His only condition was
that I give him a lift
to doctor's appointment
at a marijuana dispensary.
I wasn't in a position to argue.
Oh, don't take the duct
tape off the steering column
or the steering wheel will
come off in your hands.
- Really?
- Yep.
Does the horn work?
[horn honks] Good.
I just bought new belts
and got oil for it.
You just put a bunch
of money into this car?
- Yeah.
- Really?
You thought that was a good thing
- to do with your money?
- totally.
Hey, isn't that your wife?
That is my wife.
Who's that guy she's with?
I do not know.
That is a good question.
Oh, that's her divorce attorney.
Why do you still need a divorce lawyer,
like, after your divorce is done?
I don't know.
What if she was [bleep] him? [laughs]
Then their professional relationship
would be a blow-fessional fella-tionship.
That's one of the most disgusting things
I've ever heard.
That's, like, the funniest thing
I've ever said.
Well, it's disgusting.
Please don't say it again.
Sorry.
Boy, they really are laughing a lot.
Yeah, they're probably laughing about
how gigantic his dick is. [laughs]
Oh, my God.
She is [bleep] her lawyer.
Oh, okay, this business lunch
just became a jizz-ness munch.
Shut up!
I knew something was happening with them
the first time I saw the
two of them together.
She is [bleep] her divorce attorney!
- Are you okay?
- No!
I now understood that road
rage is just like regular rage,
except that it usually happens in a car.
It must come from within
and I had plenty of it now.
I asked my intern to throw more logs
on the raging fire in my heart.
Say more inappropriate things
about their sexual relationship.
- I don't want to...
- Talk about the [bleep] jobs
and the [bleep]. Do it!
Okay, well, they just got together, so...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- They're probably trying stuff
the two of you weren't comfortable doing.
Like, he's putting legal stuff in her butt.
And he's laying her on the ground
and then picking her up by her boobs.
Keep going!
There's, like, pictures of your kids.
He's making eye contact with the photos
while he [bleep] her in the butt.
[screams] [horn honks]
Oh, what the... that son
of a bitch just cut me off!
Hey, [bleep] you, you piece of [bleep]!
[tires screech] [bleep] you!
Oh, this is amazing.
Okay, this [bleep] is on.
You just [bleep] with the wrong guy.
What the [bleep] is the matter with you?
I've got your back, Mr. MacNeil.
I'm trying to [bleep] drive, here!
You blow through that stop sign like that!
Don't [bleep] do that to people!
You got a stop sign,
you stop at the [bleep] white line!
- Mr. MacNeil!
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
Hey, [bleep], it looks
like something happened
To your [bleep] tail
light! [glass shatters]
[laughs] - Yeah.
What the [bleep] happened
To your side-view mirror, [bleep]?
[glass shatters] - [laughs]
Looks like your blind spot
just got a little bigger, [bleep]-wit.
What are you gonna do about it?
What am I gonna do about it?
You forgot about something.
Oh, you forgot one more thing.
Hey, you ever been in a smash-off?
You are now.
Smash-off! [growls]
No, no, Mr. MacNeil! no!
[growls] - No, Mr. MacNeil!
[howls]
Stop, Mr. MacNeil! that's my [bleep] car!
[howls] - Please, Mr. MacNeil!
- I... Please!
- [grunts]
[bleep] stop hitting my car!
[roars]
- What the hell, man?
- [bleep] you!
What are you gonna do now, [bleep]?
I will end you!
[bleep] [bleep], get in the car!
- Come on! Come on!
- Get in the car now!
Oh, [bleep]. Oh, [bleep].
- Get in the car!
- Come on!
[bleep] [bleep]! Oh, [bleep]!
Get in, get in, get in, get in, get in!
[screams]
Oh, [bleep]. Go! go! go!
What is he doing? Oh, God!
- Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!
- Go, go, go!
- Oh!
- Oh, [bleep].
As you can see,
road rage is a contagious disease
and the recommended treatment
is getting the [bleep] out of here!
Mr. MacNeil, he's behind us!
What is he doing? What is he doing?
He's going to try to ram us.
Oh!
I'm gonna kill you with my dick!
- Oh, my God.
- [horn honks]
Oh, God! oh, God!
He went over the edge!
My producer, Grant, is always on hand
to assist with unexpected complications.
In this case, his insight
was especially helpful.
He turned around... and went that way.
- I'm happy to drive.
- Oh, okay.
- I'll see you guys tomorrow.
- Yep, tomorrow.
Bye, Grant.
But it appears that other gentleman
also saw the folly of road rage
and, uh...
You know, turned around...
And went on home,
and that is definitely
what I would recommend
for someone who feels road rage coming on.
Thank God. I-I thought he died.
Because that screeching
sound and the tire tracks
going right off the cliff.
No. No.
No.
Road rage, 1 1/2 stars.
Our next question comes to us
from Gary in Santa Monica, California.
Hey, Forrest, uh, you know
I don't want to limit myself
to just one lady.
What would it be like to bang
a bunch of them in an orgy?
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, no. [laughter]
Well, it sounds like Gary
wants me to go to an orgy.
It's okay. Don't worry.
If you get nervous, just do that thing
where you imagine everyone
else in their underwear.
Wait, don't do that.
Because then you'd be the only one naked.
Yeah. Thank you for trying to help.
Okay, I'm off to go have sex
with many different people...
At once. Oh, boy.
Was sending a civilized man into an orgy
like releasing a zoo monkey into the wild?
And if so, would he survive?
To find out, this monkey would
need to find his sex jungle.
This one's locked. Really?
What's the other way out?
I had no idea how to locate an
orgy, so I consulted with Tom,
the interventionist who helped me
during my review of addiction.
He, himself, was a recovering sex addict.
How are things with your wife?
Are you guys talking again or what?
Um, no.
I mean, I can't say I blame her.
I mean, I [bleep] two of her sisters.
I [bleep] her boss.
I came on her dog.
Yeah, that all sounds pretty gross.
- Yeah.
- Hey, though,
I have a slightly awkward
thing to ask you about.
Go ahead.
Out of all of the orgies
that you used to go to...
- Mm-Hmm?
- Which would you say was, like,
the best?
[chuckles] Oh, jeez, Forrest.
It's... you now, it's
not a good idea for me
to even talk about that.
Right. Okay.
- Yeah, no, I get that.
- Yeah.
I don't want to talk
about cocaine, believe me.
I don't want... [chuckles]
Right, I mean...
But I would probably tell somebody
where they could get cocaine,
you know what I mean?
A time and an address
or something like that?
But, with a bit of gentle persuasion,
Tom told me about an orgy
that he had attended regularly
during his years as a
compulsive haver of sex.
He described it as exclusive, elaborate,
and, in a turn of phrase
I know will haunt me
for the rest of my days,
"Totally ball draining."
- "Totally ball draining"?
- Yes.
Totally ball draining.
- Forrest?
- Hmm?
Were you expecting a scroll, a
[bleep] ring, and a fancy mask?
Uh, yes. Yes, I was.
It's... [clears throat]
For my review, of course.
I used to work for an accountant.
He was a nice man.
Give this please.
This orgy is a top secret private affair.
So I'm gonna let my cameraman out here,
and I'm afraid you, dear viewer,
will need to experience this
by stealing furtive glances
through the windows like a common pervert.
As I arrived at the sex mansion,
I will confess that I was terrified.
It had dawned on me that
participants at an orgy
might be required to know
how to find and handle
certain parts of a lady.
Scroll here.
I was immediately confronted
with dozens of naked people
writhing and thrusting in wild
pleasure all over the house.
It seemed to me like a vision of hell.
But there was no turning back now.
[grunting and moaning]
Despite my extreme
discomfort with casual sex,
I was determined to get into the mix.
After about an hour, I came to accept
that I would need to remove my clothing.
But even that did little to
arouse me or anyone else.
The ironwork on this staircase is...
Remarkable.
Hey, listen, I think we need to decide
whether this is a snack
table or another sex surface.
Because I really don't think
it can be both, you know?
You know, to tell you the
truth, there is no place
that I feel comfortable
setting down these snacks.
It seemed I was incapable
of getting in the spirit.
But then I met the king of the orgy.
This is your first time at an orgy, yes?
You know... Yes, actually.
That's right, yes, th... Yep.
This is my first orgy.
You must embrace the power of the mask
to transform you from
whoever you are out there,
into a glorious [bleep] beast
who is born when you walk in here,
and who dies when your
balls are fully drained.
That was the attitude
adjustment I'd needed.
I think I can do that. I
can be a [bleep] beast.
I was freed from Forrest
MacNeil's self-consciousness
and his fears of being perfectly
average in the penis department.
Who wants to have sex with me?
[shrill yelp]
Let's keep this fella-tionship
strictly blow-fessional.
I'm asking for oral sex.
The barriers I had put up between myself
and wild sexual abandon were washed away
in a tidal wave of pleasure.
And I have to say,
it was one of the greatest
[bleep] nights of my life.
I'm a [bleep] beast!
But my night at the mansion had changed me.
Tom... hey.
- How's it going?
- Good.
- How are you?
- Good. Real good.
- How are you?
- Good, good. Doing well.
So, uh, the thing worked out Friday?
- Oh, my, yes, it did.
- Oh, yeah?
I just want to say, thank you
so much for the hookup there.
Oh, my God.
That was an unforgettable experience.
Everywhere I looked there were
these big beautiful breasts
with pert, pink little nipples
and firm, pulchritudinous buttocks
and soft, inviting labia majora.
You know what? You know what?
Can we... Can we change the topic?
- Yeah.
- Let's talk about
- something else.
- Of course.
I'm so sorry.
No, no, don't be.
- Yes. Oh, no.
- Don't be.
I brought it up.
Yeah, you did bring it up.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Anyway, remember that cooking class
I was telling you about?
- Yes.
- Yeah.
Well, last night they taught
us how to make paella.
It's really cool, actually.
You need a special pan to...
How'd you like to bury your face in that?
Mmm.
Ohh.
Next week, they're gonna
teach us how to make brisket.
What the [bleep] are you talking about?
Friday night couldn't arrive fast enough.
After a week without sex,
my loins were like a
thirsty spice merchant,
stranded in the desert and these
women's vaginae were the water.
That night I would drink deeply.
My tongue explored.
My fingers probed.
My swollen average-sized member
became a hammer of the gods.
No fear, no regret, no guilt.
And then there was some guilt.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, no.
[moans] Oh, no.
Hey. Hey! Tom!
- Oh, you.
- What are you doing here?
You know, joylessly and compulsively
[bleep] everything I can.
Tom, no. You gotta get out of here.
Tom, you're a sex addict.
This is a relapse.
You have to get out of here, now.
Sir, is there a problem?
Yes, there is a problem.
He doesn't belong here!
[gasping]
You are mistaken, sir.
We all belong here.
Yet, clearly a dispute exists.
Therefore, I declare a [bleep]-off!
[cheers and applause]
- All: In, out, in, out, in, out!
- Wait, wait, wait, wait!
What is a [bleep]-off?
It's very simple.
Each of you will assemble a
five-person [bleep] squad.
You will [bleep] the people you choose
Until one of you can't [bleep] anymore.
The loser has to leave my house forever,
and the winner is the king of the orgy.
[cheers and applause]
You people are insane. All:
In, out, in, out, in, out!
I'd save that energy for the [bleep]-off.
My [bleep] beast had
created a horrible problem,
and apparently would have to solve it too.
If I wanted Tom out, I was going
to have to [bleep] him out.
Would you want to be on my team?
Okay. I'm sorry.
[speaks French]
Sex feels good, and this was sex,
but the competition was turning nasty.
You picked too many hotties, buddy.
You got to pick camels, not racehorses.
Hey!
Just mind your own business over there.
You pick one who looks like
your ex-wife on purpose?
Shut up.
She does look just like her, doesn't she?
What are they doing in cooking
class tonight, Tom, huh?
As I rotated through my [bleep] squad,
I realized that I was no beast.
I was just a man and I had had enough
of this awesome pleasure hill.
But I couldn't leave poor Tom here.
No. I would win this [bleep]-off.
And finally, nearly 30 glorious
minutes of uninterrupted humping
proved to be too much for
Tom's weary [bleep] muscles.
- Ow, cramp, cramp, cramp!
- Yeah!
[cheers and applause]
Or had Tom's guardian angel
taken the form of me without my underwear?
Who knows?
Bravo.
Thank you.
Thank you and thank you so
much to my [bleep] squad.
I could not have done it without you guys.
As your new king, I hereby
decree that the sex between us
will no longer be anonymous.
Let's take off these masks, you guys.
- We don't need 'em.
- He's hideous.
Come on. Who knows?
Maybe some of us will find real love here,
instead of just sex.
[distant moaning]
[door slams]
Hey, our friendship is off,
because you're a jerk!
Screw you, Forrest MacNeil!
Oh, you're welcome.
First of all, gross.
And second of all,
what did you take away from that orgy?
Two things: a drug-resistant
form of gonorrhea
and an important realization.
You see, I was delighted by the variety
and the abundance of sex there,
but by the end of my time as a swinger,
I didn't know what felt more empty.
My heart, my soul, or my balls?
Going to an orgy, two stars.