Rev. (2010–2014): Season 2, Episode 6 - Episode #2.6 - full transcript

# I couldn't hear nobody pray

# If I couldn't hear nobody pray
On the mountain

# I couldn't hear nobody pray
In the valleys

# I couldn't hear nobody pray. #

SHE HUMS TUNE

What are you listening to?

Joan?

What are you listening to?

What are you listening to?

Oh, this and that, you know, music
from my life. Just after the war.

Do you know Dizzy Gillespie?
Yeah, yeah.



I met one of his trombonists. He was
a wonderful man. Oh, what a talent.

One night, he took me
back to his room at the Savoy.

Oh, we talked all night about jazz
and the war.

We smoked American cigarettes,

we drank Champagne
and then he ravished me on the sofa.

Oh, it was lovely.

Come on, come and dance with me.
Here, listen, listen, listen, got it?

Yes. Can I put these down? Yeah.

Hold on. Now, here.

SHE HUMS TO THE MUSIC

If you like it, I'll burn you a copy.

Yes, I would like that, thank you.
You're a lovely mover, aren't you?

Thank you very much.
HE LAUGHS

# Standing here by my side. #



OUT OF TUNE NOTES

I wish this was a more
musical church.

Here we've got no choir,
a broken organ,

a CD player from a car boot sale.

I need to find something inspiring
for our Dedication Festival

at the end of the year.
Something transcendent.

As we worship, so we live.

I imagine I'll have a large choir
in my church.

We must keep in touch
when we're both vicars.

I didn't know you'd put yourself up
for ordination training.

Nearly a year ago. Your predecessor
was always very encouraging.

Always saying things like,

"You really should go
and get your own parish."

He'd have written me a glowing
reference. As I'm sure you will. Yes.

I can't decide whether I'd prefer
a nice rural Cotswolds parish,

or a church on Piccadilly
or in Knightsbridge.

Nigel, are you sure you
want to be a priest?

One of the things I realised on that
Towards Ordained Ministry course

was how much better I'd be than all
the other people there.

Yes, I'd be careful about saying
that. I shouldn't say that?

The Bishops Advisory Panel will be
very wary about

anyone who's got certainty about
being called to God.

It's frowned upon to seek
preferment.

It's good to be doubtful.

Quite right, good point.
"Be doubtful".

Yeah, do... don't write it down.

Don't you ever fancy advancement,
Adam? Nice cathedral job?

Becoming a little Bishop?
Or a big Canon?

HE LAUGHS

Never really been interested in any
of that. I joined the church

to become a parish priest
in a church like this.

Oh, I see how to do the doubtful,
humble thing.

You're, you're very good at it.
No, that's what I think.

Superb. it's very convincing.

It's the truth. I've no interest
in being a Dean or a Bishop.

Brilliant. You'll be Archbishop
at this rate.

SQUAWK!

SMS ALERT

Oh, hello. Nigel wants to get
ordained, would you believe it.

I'll have to fill out one of those
endless reference forms for him.

Will you? Oh, dear.
You're home very early.

Where are you going?
Shropshire.

Oh, I've got that Facing the
Future seminar tomorrow night.

A few drinks afterwards with
Bishop Peter. Where are you going?

I'm going away for the weekend.
Are you?

Oh, I'm sorry. I've done it again,
I keep doing this, don't I? What?

You tell me things and I don't
take them in. I don't listen.

I had no idea you were away this
weekend.

No, I didn't tell you this.

Oh, it isn't something I didn't
listen to?

No, I've only just decided to go.
Where are you going?

I just told you.
Yes, you said Shuff...

Shropshire. With Lisa and
Sue and Maria and Howard.

They're doing a walking weekend.

Climbing Rodney's Pillar and I said
I'd join them. Oh.

When are you back?
I don't know, Adam.

Alex, what's the matter?

I just want to reassess
life, for a moment.

I haven't seen you one
night this week.

If you've got no time for me, how
will you have time for a family?

You said you'd give up drinking
and smoking. I have.

What's this, then?

CAR HORN BEEPS
That's Howard. I've got to go.

Alex.

I think you think God will just provide
us with a child if we're lucky.

If we deserve it. I'm afraid
it's not good enough for me.

Do you want to have a child with me,
Adam? Yes, of course I do.

Really? Well, why don't you
have a think about it?

While I think about
whether I want to have one with you.

DOORBELL RINGS

You a 12-inch animal feast?

Yes, thank you. it's £8.99, isn't it?
I'll just see if I've got the change.

Don't worry about that, Vicarage.

Colin, you got a job?

Yeah, it's great.
I started yesterday.

I get £5.93 an hour and a pizza
for lunch plus a medium soft drink.

HE LAUGHS
I get free pizza for ever more.

CHORAL MUSIC PLAYS

This music's a bit boring for church.
You don't like it?

You want something uplifting, you
should play AC/DC's Let's Get It Up.

# Let's get it up
hah, hah, hah, hah. #

Now, that's uplifting.

It sounds uplifting.
Did you bring my salad? You wanted that?

DISPATCH RADIO SOUNDS

Roger, roger, roger, roger.

En route.

I'm sorry that you're eating pizza on
your own, and that Alex has left you.

What? No, she hasn't left me.

I know what that feels like.
Women, eh?

No, she's just in Shropshire
on a walking holiday.

She is, Colin. She's
climbing Rodney's Pillar.

Is she? Who with?

With her friends,

Lisa, Sue, Marie and Howard.

Howard, Howard?

Who's this Howard when he's not
licking out four birds in a tent?

Oh, shut up! I'm trying to help.

Forget climbing Rodney's Pillar.
She'll be mounting Howard's cock. Oh!

Right now, probably. I mean,
don't you see what this is, mate?

This is a cry for attention.
That's what women do all day.

Well, that's not the case here.

I'd better get off.
These people ordered an hour ago.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, who's that now?

I hear Alex is away. I know
you're a terrible cook, darling.

Well, he won't want that,
he's just had my pizza.

No, YOU'VE just had my pizza.

Yeah, yeah, roger, roger.

En route.

Let me heat up my fufu for you,
darling.

CD STICKS

MUSIC JUMPS

# He who would valiant be

# 'Gainst all disaster

# Let him in constancy

# Follow the Master

# There's no discouragement... #

These two need milk, Archdeacon.

Oh, please, call me Robert.

It's nice of you to help Adoha
with the coffee today, Archdeacon.

I'm happy to help.
Please call me Robert.

Would you like some more frothy
milk in that, dear Adam?

No, that's fine.
Is everything all right?

Yes. A little tired from five
days of fasting, perhaps.

But I find one comes to God best
through subtraction.

Someone need milk, Bob.

These coffees are lovely, Adoha.
How do you do it?

It's just instant.

HE LAUGHS

Are you going to the General Synod
next week, Robert?

Oh, no, that's nothing
but a distraction. I never go.

You went last time, didn't you?

Did I? Oh, yes.
In body, not in spirit.

Archdeacon, are you
aware there's a vacancy

for the Bishop of
Stevenage at the moment?

Oh, no, no. Is there?

You would be an exceptional
Bishop, Archdeacon.

I wouldn't, Nigel, no.

That's very kind of you
but Nolo Episcopari.

I'd be unwilling to be a Bishop.

I hunger to communicate
the Gospel to the

widest possible
audience, of course,

but I fear my soul
is unprepared for such a role.

Even if God were considering me
for such a position,

which I'm sure he's not.

I see what you mean about the humble
thing. He's better at it than you.

If God isn't considering you for it,
the appointments Board might be.

I'm sure not.

Tart, anyone? Oh.

No. Thank you.

He won't become Bishop. He's been
on preferment lists for ten years,

but he never gets close
because of his horrible personality.

Maybe they want a Bishop with
a horrible personality, for once?

Instead of the spineless drips
who normally get it?

How's Alex?

Oh, yeah, she's good, thanks.
Yeah. Good.

We said we might meet up this
weekend, but her phone's off.

Yeah, it's terrible reception
where she's gone. Far away.

For the weekend. We like to spend the
weekend apart every now and then.

Uh-oh, he's coming.
..I hope she's OK.

Nigel, I'm delighted to hear you've

put yourself forward
for ordination training.

Yes, what do you think my chances
are? Pretty solid, I imagine?

Um... How do you think Nigel could
help his application, Robert?

Oh, perhaps working with teenagers?

You could visit your local authority
youth drop-in centre,

hang out with the kids,
learn about their problems.

I love teenagers with problems.
Sweet.

I don't just see myself
as a theologian and preacher.

Do you know who his DDO
interview is with, Robert?

Yes, it's with me.

I'm standing in.

Did you hear that, Nigel?
Your DDO interview is with Robert?

Oh. Oh, great.
My interview's with you, is it?

That's good news, isn't it?
Can't linger.

Must get off to mop the loos
in the palliative care unit.

CHORAL MUSIC PLAYS

'Hi, this is Alex Smallbone. Please
leave a message after the tone.'

Oh, hi. it's, er, me. How are you?

I'm still trying to finish Nigel's
reference form, would you believe?

That's all I've been doing all day.

They're difficult, these bloody forms.
I actually don't know what to write.

If I put the truth in,
Nigel doesn't stand a chance

and he'll be devastated
and angry and...

Maybe I should lie
and say he's amazing but...

No, I think I'll...
I'll tell the truth but

I'll accentuate the positive.

Anyway. Er, I miss you.

Do you miss me? Hope so.

DOOR OPENS

Do you want my profiteroles now,
darling? Er, yes thanks...

Thank you, thanks.
(I'm just on the phone.)

That's um, Adoha with my pudding.

Um... She's... She's round lots.

Which is fine.
It's great, in fact, it's great.

Puddings, and the house
has never been so clean.

HE LAUGHS

Anyway, er, I hope you're having a
nice time with Howard and everyone.

Bye-bye... Nye.

VACUUM CLEANER STARTS

Have you finished my reference yet?
Not yet.

If I don't get selected,
I'll be blaming you!

I'm going to help out at the homeless
centre this afternoon.

Maybe clean some clothes for them.

Then, I thought I might pop in
to the youth drop-in.

Offer them some solace about the job
market.

Don't over-egg it, Nigel.

Look who it is.

Let's go and tell him about all the
pastoral things I'm doing today.

No, let's not.

I quite like this one.

I don't. Yes, I don't like it.

Hello, Archdeacon. Hello.

What are you doing here?

We were just walking past.
Spotted you. Hello.

Hello.

I'm just on my way to the
Homeless Centre, to wash the needy.

Oh.

This is my friend Richard.

Hello, I'm Nigel. Hello, Nigel.

This is Adam Smallbone,
one of my priests in the Diocese.

Oh, yes, hello. Hello.

Although, if you're about to start
shopping in here,

I think it's time we reviewed
your stipend!

Are you going to
buy that bed, then?

No, no, um, no.
We should be heading off.

I don't want to keep
Heston Blumenthal waiting.

You know how minty he gets
if we mess up his timing.

So, why don't you say goodbye
to your... um...

friends, Bobby,
and I'll see you in the car.

Very nice to meet you.

Well, goodbye, then.

Let's imagine,
just for the sake of argument,

that there was a
scenario in which I was

being considered for
an Episcopal position.

I wouldn't want it, and I sincerely
doubt I am, but let's imagine I am.

Right, I'm imagining.

My concern is that
if certain elements within the church

happened to hear about certain
aspects of my private life,

they might be open to
misinterpretation.

For instance, to choose one example.
You met my friend Richard?

He seems very nice. So handsome.

Yes, I would hate for that...

friendship to be misinterpreted
by anyone.

Church law very clearly says that

being gay is no bar
to the Bishopric.

So long as it's a celibate
relationship.

Both you and I know the church isn't
ready for an openly gay Bishop.

Would you like me to keep
quiet about your friendship

with Richard so that it
can't be misinterpreted?

Thank you.

Nothing I'd like more than to see
you become Bishop of Swanage.

Stevenage. Or Stevenage.

I should head back.
Um, is there anywhere I can drop you?

What do you think the Archdeacon
is going to ask me?

He'll certainly want to talk to you
about your personal relationships.

Well, I'm ready for that one.
Question number fourteen on the form.

Who might sustain
you in your future ministry?

I just put,
my dear mum and girlfriend Cherry.

Two people's enough, isn't it?

Your girlfriend Cherry? Yes.

You have a girlfriend called Cherry?
Yeah, that's a good answer, isn't it?

It's just that you've never
mentioned her before.

I'm sure I have. I do like to
keep my private life private.

Tell me about Cherry.

What's she like?

What's she like?

She's gorgeous, is what she's like.

A real honey.

A real honey babe.
Lovely legs, great personality too.

She's gluten-intolerant but you can
get special pasta for that now.

Blonde hair.

Five foot, six and a half inches.

Big breasts.

I'm a very lucky man.

# I talk to God
as much as I talk to Satan cos

# I want to hear both sides... #

# Let's get it up... #

CHORAL MUSIC

I feel the most enormous doubt
and uncertainty

about whether I should be a priest.
I feel inadequate.

While simultaneously also knowing
that I have all the qualities,

let's call them gifts,
required to be one.

You said that twice now.

Um, just looking at your section
on weaknesses here.

Perfectionism, is that really a
weakness?

Well, I think it could be.

If I spent so long perfecting the
theology of my sermons that it kept

me away from all the other things
I love doing,

like washing the homeless
and chatting to disenfranchised kids.

I've been resisting this call,
and resisting.

I'm like Moses that way.

Who's Cherry?

I couldn't work out
whether she's a person or pet.

Cherry is my girlfriend.

I see.

'Dear Lord, is my marriage falling
apart? Is that what you want?

'Because I couldn't bear that.
I couldn't survive that.

'Who's being demanding, here?
Me? Her?

'Or you, because you
want my entire dedication?

'Please don't make me
choose between you and her, Lord.

'Oh, well. Better get this done.

'Hm. Hm.

'Hmm.'

No, it's been absolutely lovely
to spend some time with you, Nigel.

And, while I glean that you
have a strong sense of call,

I think it may lie in other
directions than the priesthood.

So, unfortunately, I can't recommend
to the Bishop that you go to

the BAP at this stage.
But thank you so much.

Talking of lovers, how's Richard?

That said, I'm always wary of being
the one to make the final decision

as to whether a person's
called by God.

I think you should go to the BAP
and see how you fare.

CUTLERY CLANKING

And here is your spaghetti
Bolognese.

Lovely. That looks lovely.

You don't want to make a mess
on your shirt.

Do you want cheese on top?
Um, no thanks.

Hello, Alex. Hello, Adoha.

It's really lovely to
see you in my home, with my husband.

Did you have a lovely time?

Yeah. It was nice to be away.

Oh, I bought you some fudge.

Oh, thank you.

I didn't get you anything.

But, um, I did do one thing
I think you'll like.

I went and did a sperm test.

Presumably to see if I'm fertile.

Er, 54 million per millilitre.

Which is just 10 percent less
than the national average.

Be still, my beating heart.
Thank you.

I missed you.

I missed waking up with you.

Oh, I thought you were enjoying
waking up next to Howard?

Howard? Are you joking?

Didn't he go away with you
for a reason?

Yeah, cos he likes rambling.

You're not having...

an affair with him?

No!

Howard's a very nice man.

And he has an extensive
collection of Ordnance Survey maps.

But he's a bit boring.

In fact, he's one
of the most boring men I know

and I know lots of clergymen.

HE CHUCKLES

I love you.

The baby thing
made me go a bit potty.

So, let's just agree
that we don't need one.

I don't want to be a Bishop at all,
but if God is calling me to it,

then it would be obnoxious
of me to resist.

And, on the plus side,
I do love Stevenage and its people.

One final question.

Are you involved
in an active gay relationship?

SPEECH MUFFLED

I'm gonna firebomb their shop...

Some cab driver
knocked me off me bike.

Take your ears out!

So I chucked three
Hawaiians at his windscreen,

he rings the shop and the wank stain
sided with him, not me.

That job was me last chance.

That was how I was gonna sort me life
out. And now it's over!

We can find you another job.

I don't want another job!

Why's Nigel up on the roof?

What are you doing, you twat?

Nigel.

I got my letter.

From the Bishops Advisory Panel?

How can they say that
I wouldn't be a good priest?

How can they say that?
They don't know.

How can they say that they
know what God wants?

How dare they pretend that?

You won't feel this now but,
I bet in time you'll be relieved

you haven't been accepted
for ordination because...

God wants you to do other things.

I want to be a priest.
That's all I want.

Those bastards are telling me
that it's not who I am,

but that's who I am.

I'm sorry, Nigel.

If I can't do what
I want to do, then what do I do?

Many are called, few are chosen.

Come on, would you let me buy you
a drink?

Come on.

What did you say in my reference? Did
you give me a bad reference? No, no.

Did you say that I was boring?
I bet you said that I was boring.

No, I was very positive.

I said that you were unfailingly
punctual and organised. Boring.

I said that you had a, a,
a detailed knowledge

and love of scripture and
theological studies.

What is the best thing that
you said about me?

That you were
brilliant at working alone.

Was that the question on teamwork?

I can't remember exactly which
question. It's a long form.

You fucked me. You know that I would
be a much better priest than you.

That's the tragedy here.

I've brought some flowers
for your church.

Oh, that's very kind and...

quite unusual.

I'm not arranging them for you
though, that's s step too far.

Hello, Archdeacon.
I didn't see you there.

I just came in to think.

Is something bothering you?

Not really.

I saw the
Crown Nominations Committee today.

I told them that I'm in an
active gay relationship

with a man that I
love more than words.

I think that probably means that
I'll never be a Bishop, don't you?

I think that probably does.

I was just reflecting on
the fact that... that's OK, really.

What were you about to play?

Something my friend Joan gave me.

MUSIC STARTS

# Anytime

# Things go wrong

# Baby, we'll still get along

# Cos we have each other

# And our love will see us through

# If some tears

# Come our way

# If the sun

# Skips a day

# We still have

# Each other

# And our love

# Will see us through

# Cos we have

# Each other

# And our love will see us through. #