Retired at 35 (2011–2012): Season 1, Episode 5 - The Matchmakers - full transcript
David becomes the community's matchmaker and reaps the financial rewards with his number one escort, his father.
the tea cinnamon the girl late 23
minutes late two more minutes and I'm
David
[Music]
they were always nervous which was
expected I knew what I looked like
chisel check
caramel blonde hair that somehow manages
to look wavy and thick all the damn time
check sexy crooked smile and check
and don't even get me started on penis
size it just gets better the further
south you go trust me
[Music]
step or say but I doubt that's the way
to get on the good side of that barista
you've been trying not to check out
since you walked through that door I I
haven't been
jealousy is a crucial emotion that men
feel before falling in love I don't bite
yet take it I hate T know you love T
smile
what hey um guys need anything yeah also
my girlfriend over if we need thing
how's our thanks though
stop fidgeting and sit up straight sorry
it's just that he's only talked to me
like twice and only to ask me if I want
sugar in my coffee so he hates coffee
touch me
lower stop staring oh we're done now
laughs that'll do to shell if you need
anything just let me know okay I'm good
with my tea you hate to you know she
loves to you asshole he knows my name
who are you
Ian Hunter master wingman had your only
chance in hell of getting that
appreciate when do we start three
minutes ago
[Music]
hey how was she because she's not a good
fit I have another girl that offered to
pay me and sexual favors move at the top
you know cross her off the list if she
knows how to give favor she knows how to
get her own damn man
noted oh and Gaby says if you don't make
it tonight for dinner she's going to
glue your hand to your penis although
she was much more graphic oh wow
always is I'm on my way see you there I
didn't pick this life it's not like I
woke up one morning and went whoa
wouldn't it be so bad as to help women
to get the guy I'm a coach and coaches
have to play books it's not enough to
know how to play the game you have to
know how to read the place know your
opponent that's what wingman ink is
about and who better to teach women how
not to get played than the actual player
so what do I owe this pleasure I'm not
your client yeah and cut with this into
talking love coach voice you promised I
did you forgot didn't you of course not
come on yeah sometimes I wonder why
we're friends cuz you like watching me
while I sleep one time in the welcome
party for my two new roommates you were
supposed to bring the chips and dip I'm
sorry gabs I'll be there in 15 minutes
you better
[Music]
Wow the top looks gorgeous with your
skin tone sometimes it was just too easy
[Music]
said 15 minutes I say 15 hmm I coulda
sworn I said 20 I smell like cheap
perfume
seriously you smell bad dude go shower
okay I'll put out the food here your
extra clothes are still in my room just
get rid of this skank she has a name you
know although I really couldn't read her
nametag because with her lips wrapped
around me she was blocking the view
what are these days you're gonna get
smited or is it smoked that sounds dirty
I can't wait to try that relax
kind of had you pegged for a boy shorts
girl what are you doing in my room
you mean Gabi's room I mean my room and
you are look I got about three minutes
before Gabi hands - did you want to go
on the bed or the the floor since you're
already there what what are you talking
about down to about two minutes not
gonna lie it's gonna be a little
difficult but I could probably conjure
something up that would cause the little
panting maybe a scream or two ice cream
are you a stripper for the party no
seconds left I don't even think I could
perform miracles for this caliber get
out of my room Gabi's from we switched
yeah okay so uh I would make Gabi's room
yeah gotcha
you lost good rock your world my world
doesn't need Rocking
every girl needs to allow the world to
be rocked at least once or said Rocky's
coming from what sometimes toys yeah
it's a little more complicated it's not
just ones and zeroes it's been ten
minutes tell me you did it
where's Blake no where is she
soccer no I mean if you touched her I
swear I'll rip her golden locks from
your brain one by one golf volleyball
actually that explains the clothes
what's wrong with my clothes he belong
to you unfortunately you know how your
parents always tell you to not feed
strays he was so cute at first like all
puppies then he started biting my
friends love you too bill okay all right
are we gonna do this or what I have a
testimony not yet this is a welcome
party for my new
roommate Serena and Blake we have to
socialize first come on gap we already
met the roommates ian brought food and
you're still single I mean I was right
in the world hears it so we're all gonna
watch this show and then I'm little
dessert should have never fought him
never straight that's me do you night
like day and night
what's up my man what's the news Serena
okay
wild cat in bed forgot my name twice I
believe in unicorns have you tend to
comic-con three times and when I asked
for her number she cried quite damn well
spit on your a game last night I'm never
off my game so that that one time you
hear on gaps as a flute I was drunk can
we please not talk about Gabby just
early in the morning I really mess with
the rest of my day your schedules full
but a new one public on the site this
morning and I wasn't sure if you wanted
me to let her robot do it look I gotta
go
she'll has this early morning class with
douche pants and I gotta walk her to
class holding her books then kiss her on
the forehead
Kayla's oldest time my friend you know
it
stop here
[Music]
hey do you know this oh you noticed now
you can give me your number don't answer
the first text answer the third always
the third but what if he doesn't ask for
it
trust me he will rocky go I just blazed
through rules one two three and four
rule one makes me curious Rule two don't
appear too interested
Rule three give him a method of contact
but keep the ball in your court rule 4
never answer the first text sorry bro Oh
[Music]
fans of yours
[Music]
the club has an opening they made
posters last year you clearly have to
have an opinion of yourself some say not
high enough
you gotta make it you're gonna make it
well what your eyes they're a nice ice
blue I'm not interested in men and you
so stop talking Thank You Lake of course
it did
he's gonna try and get you alone don't
let him don't rule number five you're
busy you are always busy unless I say
you are and you are them
interesting waiting for someone
yes I am and it's very important so can
you please leave
forget it this is a stupid idea
doh David would approve of this attitude
says here that he values optimism above
all things what come with me let's go
what is this wingmen Inc no no gotta be
kidding me
I'm not kidding you Lex and I are the
masterminds behind the fastest-growing
dating service in the Pacific Northwest
some say on a modern-day Superman
saving women from themselves while legs
play sidekick you're welcome you're such
an ass
and I'm also your new love coach that is
if you're still interested look we have
a 99% success rate if you follow the
rules
take my guidance and advice you'll be
popping up little Davidson no time what
kids yeah
or whatever it is you want I'll get it
for you can I think about it sure you
have one minute look this was an impulse
a girl on my team she gave me her card
after I kept complaining about David not
noticing yeah I know Megan nice girl 30
seconds fine good look I don't like the
candy code anything so I'm gonna be real
honest here if we're gonna turn the head
of the captain the basketball team we
have a lot of work to do but I'm the
best and we start tonight Lex is gonna
look over the details and send you the
schedule tonight oh and if David tries
to reach out to you at all during this
process contact me first if he texts you
ignore it he tells you you're busy with
your new study partner oh is that you
Blake not only am I your new study
partner from here on out I'm here
everything I know you pride yourself on
taking less than a week for a client to
gain true love's kiss
but damn can't be that bad my man no
actually it's worse
who's saying she's a little version who
never kissed a man plushies when she
hears the word sex can't spell the word
orgasm and believes in love at first
sight
damn here's a questionnaire check out
Blake's number 15 number 15 Oh number 15
what would you wear on a first date her
answer something comfortable like a
baggy sweatshirt or
a hat cuz hats are mysterious number 16
is my favorite 16 my first kiss was her
answer hopefully it'll be great
I especially like the smiley face in the
heart emoji I'm gonna see you tonight
self up on these did you want to finish
the questionnaire should i no no that's
all you bro just no yeah no how do you
do that just lead girls on like that
every single one of them is staring and
whispering I wanted I just took a
picture to actually you know but why
it's not you're famous or anything are
you
what are you gonna just leave it like
that or do you want to you want to
explain it's not much to explain my
sophomore year I got an exemption to
play pro football then I got injured so
here I am
well what what just happened here he's
here yeah I know that's why we're here
he comes here every night after
basketball practice we're doing a little
recon your file shows that you met when
you were four and as actually took baths
together
so I'm just wondering what this whole
like shy deals about cuz you know he's
seen a good sister the goods I didn't
have Goods when I was four
you know I can't even tell if you have
goods now I'm considering the bag he
calls you okay can we just go before he
sees us please
and then that's a bad idea why because
every time I'm around him I just I act
like a dude but like I'm one of the guys
and I just want him to see me
differently
I want him to know I have boobs
all right well like I said before dude
the jury's still clearly out on that one
are you sniffing my hair yeah is he
looking no he's eating bastard God he
must be clueless you know what he knows
the scene you three
Blake hey it's hurtin see when we when
we came in
yeah who's your friend names Ian yeah
Ian how's it going man
okay good dude you should have seen this
guy play yeah let's not bore with that
nice to meet you yeah how do you know my
girl you're your girl yeah my girl I
didn't realize you were dating anybody
oh I didn't realize you were her dad
hell no man we don't we we go way back
we've been for instance before we could
walk you know hmm it's a real cute story
um well nice to meet you Blake's dad
kidding nice to meet you David yeah it's
nice to me
it's good to see you Blake you do shall
we yeah
you okay yeah thank you
I think it was the first time he's ever
looks at me like you have boobs
exactly next
are they any count to five I don't think
it fits okay look they measured you it
fits
we got to go cabbie said we got dinner
at 6:00 this is just too much pressure I
mean how do i how do I know if it fits
their their boobs how do I know if it
looks good let's go open up before I
crawl under come on let's go
scale of 1 to 10 how awful is it like
your great you sound bored no your boobs
they look good
Abby do you think I'm just not good at
this I didn't grow up with a mom so
well-mannered turned out my sight girls
by touch
I wearing something fitting you're
guaranteeing that he won't see you as a
buddy but as a partner that's what you
wanted right right I want you look good
I'll be eating out in your hand in no
time that confident in your abilities
know what I'm pretty confident in yours
sir you need to get out of the dressing
room
we don't allow customers to play in the
product before they purchase wait hanky
panky oh oh you mean sex
we'll take it all
[Music]
thank you
if you hurt her I'm gonna break off your
favorite appendage so uh where's the
other roomie
over here okay yo legs so uh Blake I
like your new look
Thanks it was Ian he was a big help
it's okay I guess I mean if you're into
working out well it's clearly she is
look at her oh my god I was so sorry
no it's okay it's okay it's just workout
clothes I can always wash them hmm
that isn't good oh thanks
[Music]
you kissed her yet well I will take that
as a No
she's never kissed another guy man it
would be wrong you know that wrong
mm-hmm are you falling for her no hell
no you see her flip-flops Jesus what is
their main role
don't fall for clients don't fall for
the clients I think it's clean bro no
dessert like I talked you for a second
upstairs yeah what's wrong
you're wearing your where your any
thought hmm
yeah does the stripping have a purpose
stripping should always have a purpose
we need to wash your clothes and I
needed help with that or what you'll be
giant hoodies in here
okay honest moment why do you uh what do
you wear clothes like this well
everybody has their own thing right what
nothing um right tomorrow
mean you we're gonna go work out
together we have to get to the gym early
before David cuz we're gonna catch him
by surprise
adrenaline pumps when you workout and
hot chicks watching even better
you said hot chick not cute yeah trust
me come here so tomorrow when he sees us
we're gonna need to flirt the problem is
that you flinch when I try to touch you
no I don't I don't
okay you see that that look right there
yeah that really pissed off look it
sometimes can be confused for lust so
maybe I'll just piss you off the entire
workout that might work but if it
doesn't I need to kiss you okay
and if I do I need to know that you're
not gonna scratch my eyes out or leave
me in the balls um I guess I just have
to wait and find out no never play a
player doesn't work okay sweet cheeks
sweet cheeks sweet cheeks
okay I think lesson time is over
yeah uh-oh I'll be back at 4:30 to pick
you up
4:00 in the morning oh okay this better
work
it's never not worked so uh unless you
having second thoughts
no no I'm not
for three are you ready
[Applause]
tired exhausting I love that feeling
it's the best okay how stretchy Oh quiet
stay calm you're good relax oh hey pain
feels amazing what Blake oh hey hey hey
David I didn't see you there
wow you look exhausted
yeah Ian really knows how to work me oh
you're not me if you ever you ever need
help with the gym can always ask me oh
well thanks for the offer but David I
think I got it
all right the offer stands it's really
good to see you Blake you look good
Thanks
skip the one might put another one on
sorry
well that was a really great first kiss
dammit I was ruining everything I was
her first kiss me
the certified man-whore isn't the man
she was in love with can I get you guys
anything else I don't suppose you
moonlight as a massage therapist
well done that loan was delivered
perfectly no but I am good with my hands
doubtful very doubtful great the sooner
I finish with shell the sooner I could
what finish with Blake let's go to shell
what if she doesn't want to go with you
the last round goes to the barista and I
think you should go well that's what you
want shell last round always goes to the
guy
Blake gaps like hey there you are see
some people are trying to sleep oh
really
mm-hmm cute hair oh really
look you'll have the clap from Oh sex
you've had and you're afraid of a little
cold we I don't like germs what do you
want why are you here I had an idea for
Blake
she's upstairs the pipe in the bathroom
broke and there was water everywhere I
tried getting a plumber but she said
something about her friend's dad being a
plumber and then suddenly some tall dude
showed up and said he could fix it David
thank you David no oh my god are you
sick - I think so plate Haga I'm pretty
sure he's gonna be just fine
the last thing that you need is to get
sick for the big test on Friday right
would you want to get out of here we can
go get some ice cream or something so
you're not stuck in this sick house no
he's uh it's probably right you
shouldn't get sick you know why you're
probably already coming down with
something again I'm sorry baby if I had
no one I want to put my mouth all over
you like that rain check I just I don't
want you to get sick before your big
game yeah yeah that's probably a good
idea but you do have my number now
so uh so call me anytime it's good to
see you look mmm yes to hang out you're
busy you're always busy and I say you're
free rule number five clearly states
this he tries to call you or wants to
curious into hanging out no especially
when you're with another guy it makes
you look easy and it makes our
relationship look fake yeah okay yeah
all right um
I'll see you girls later
Lexx emergency meeting right now what up
it's uh it's David what is his deal
she's moving through these steps way too
fast and he's falling for it
something's up with him you bring up his
phone wait you wanna look at his file
David and Blake's compatibility 87%
unless you've got a high that's high
really high you like her well yeah I
also like yogurt so Gabi called
she's worried Gabi called he called she
hates you yeah she said at least 10
times before finally getting to the real
reason behind her phone call
she thinks you're holding up with Blake
no not happening
nor will it yeah go get Gabi some soup
she's sick I'm gonna go sleep off
whatever I'm coming down with Oh
hopefully not dying
if I turn into a zombie at some point at
least take a couple good pictures for
you decapitate me you have my word
[Music]
[Music]
you're okay it's just a fever what are
you doing here oh yeah you don't let
women or clients into the house ever
I texted you and I called you and then I
threatened Gabby who threatened Lex
that worried about me huh about you oh
no no I'm doing this for it entirely
selfish reasons
because if I lose my love coach then I
lose my love mm-hmm
sorry just feel so good you don't make
me feel even better right now
mmm you and a hot nurse outfit okay
right but I'm more like one of those
cute little pigs uh-huh you know the
teacup ones no just that's just Sookie
just kind of want to keep it for
everything okay come on you need to get
your fever down come on oh just let me
die
come on never leave a man behind
alright you have a fever which we need
to get down all right well this is up
there for the second worst day of my
life
oh yeah then what's at first dams died
and then give your best friends is that
right mm-hmm
yeah only have two jobs and bikes and
you know I'm gonna kill them off soon so
there's a vacancy oh well that's good to
know
you have to cook for me though okay I
can do that I used to cook for my dad
and brother all the time really yeah
your brother is pretty as you he's dead
sorry dying sucks
yeah it really does Blake yeah thank you
I like you too
[Music]
clearly you're feeling better
just a little delirious yeah with that
nurse outfit snow nurse cost you think
you're healed and I have to get you
practice fine yeah that it's this
morning it happens it that's not helping
Blake sorry I'm just gonna sorry yeah I
just wanted to say that you need to stay
in bed and that I I left you two Tylenol
you should take those and I will bring
you food after practice food food you
should probably take care of that I
should you a good nurse would probably
stay and help me take care of that
[Music]
Felix Blake Hey please tell me that fufu
- I did I got your favorite I think
chow mein with pork great shut it I got
you sue yeah
oh sorry is it hot yeah it's freakishly
honest all right here just fix it up
you know what you blow you want me to
blow in your soup are you 12
all right shit it's really hot blow well
well coming from you I'll take that is
the highest of compliments so what are
we watching
what's up sweet cheeks that was it
do you ever think that that may be what
she thought you wanted isn't actually
what you want anymore
I mean like you spend your entire life
in pursuit of one goal then hopeful
something changes yeah that's exactly
what I mean that's life Blake how's that
that just doesn't feel so wishy-washy to
go from one thing to another that's all
part of college discovering yourself I
mean I think hey maybe wearing
flip-flops from 1992 wasn't as cool that
they're not mine oh really so you just
stole someone's flip-flops decided hey
let's bring these back no they were my
brothers and after he died I I don't
know I just I just wanted to be close to
him so you raided his clothes what
everything smelled like chemins was
comforting until he had to wash it until
my dad forced me to watch them yeah well
it's only been two years I still miss
them I know yeah
car accident drunk driver
that's weird I used to I used to piss me
off so bad talking about it but some
reason when I started wearing his
clothes it's like I don't know it almost
feels like invisible armor well I hate
to break it to you but these flip-flops
mm-hmm or anything but visible yeah
first rule of kindergarten Oh would you
just like us I must have missed it oh
you must have it once right up there
with fire safety so it's a little
important hmm okay yeah well I told you
never to play the player hey I'm just
following your rules
that's all sometimes I hate my rules me
too
[Music]
whoa whoa we're training we're training
you know we're setting up for a date for
her and you know David he's movement do
the steps so fast you know I figured
he's gonna do something yeah I think I
got it thank you
Ian wait wait look I'm sorry okay I'm
sorry I got carried away I'll help you
David and then hopefully we can be
friends friends it's funny how words
that are supposed to make people happy
kind of make you want to punch a tree
like Chuck Norris yeah
friends friends it is
you know this isn't a sting right you
can take your sunglasses off plus we're
we're indoors you look ridiculous hey
you said no eye contact and that happens
to be very difficult for me a soap it
sunglasses dude just look at his crotch
I'll eat that shit up I'm not looking no
no do you have any other pointers that
don't involve me staring at his groin I
think you can do better than that miss
nursing major nope not doing penis oh
look he can't even say should you really
be playing with it I mean no come here
eventually you're gonna have to get past
the point of being afraid of your own
sexuality something tells me that
David's not super great in bed so you're
gonna have to get a little bit of
confidence so you can tell him what you
want and what makes you think that I
mean I'm a virgin so oh I'm gonna suck
impossible believe me David on the other
hand the last girlfriend we interview
said that although he deserved an A for
effort
on multiple occasions she studied for a
test during during sex mm-hmm that's so
impersonal I mean shouldn't you be
putting your your whole mind into it
your body your soul we're gonna have
track the point is that you're probably
gonna have to give him some direction
and you're gonna have to say words like
penis okay the end fine penis Oh louder
penis hey man didn't see you there hey
how's it going
I thought y'all were more casual I know
we made it official last night right
sweet cheeks sorry yeah it's just it was
a really great night
yeah great night good happy for you
Blake really happy for you yeah we
should uh we should get out of here
what are you laughing
they were just gave me the finger yeah
it's kind of rude won't get to that cuz
his hands were free and mine
[Music]
nice I like good because I haven't worn
them in forever
[Music]
sound bird game boy did you just call me
boy good you do know I played pro
football I'm gonna have to do this oh
it's pretty much good at every sport
except for golf really pretty sure we
established that ice skating is not a
sport you are serving let me just get
comfortable how quick oh it's like that
is it sure is two can play that game
let's go ready my money's on Blake do
you know he was nominated for a Heisman
right it's not a hard thing to get
[Music]
[Music]
what happened okay
yeah uni yeah come on Lex let's go grab
an ice pack come on hey put weight on me
you okay yeah I'm fine just old injury
oh it's starting to swell what happened
to your knee can you keep a secret
yes I'm Superman yeah I just injured it
saving two old ladies and their cats he
really is a hero that poor little boy
would have died can you imagine what
that would have done to that father
after losing his wife he was amazing and
don't sell yourself she's okay enough
gasps thank you Thanks look don't listen
to her
I'm no hero Here I am being bitter that
I can't play football and this kid could
have died well he's sort of dead too I
mean in a way you lost part of what made
you you in him I got past it
you know okay I want you to think I'm
one of those broken guys living the old
glory days of football how'd you get
over it it was the kid he um he came and
visited me in the hospital and I
actually stood calm by his last name
Montgomery our little Monty cuz
it was tiny and apparently he's so
afraid of the dark so he brought me this
bear smartly named bear and his mom
unfortunately passed away earlier that
year from cancer and she gave him that
bear it was supposed to be like his
protection bear to make him feel safe
and he gave it to me said he didn't need
it anymore because he had me that bear
lives the high life in my room will tell
you that what about what about Monty
where is he now actually gonna be a
pretty badass football player his dad
sends me a schedule for his like
practices and games and I've actually
been to a few he's not bad you really
are Superman what's one person here are
two
hey you up for a movie yeah we'll be
right there
you guys know just not happening shower
or no couch time sure we'll go shower
oh not together hey David here to see
you are we in for it
[Music]
and if it takes all my life
some days I think my it's always always
raining on me you know you can cut like
night
[Music]
[Music]
you ruined me for other women gee I'm
gonna go make some popcorn you need yeah
it's just pop art I think I'll be fine
yeah I'm good I think I'm fine to watch
the movie not like somebody could help
you with you know I get it
she's yours at least for now but listen
to me we have a history and that is not
something that you can compete with not
now not ever
shit how am I gonna compete with the
tree house whoo you smug bastard look
you don't deserve her you never will
oh but you do mr. washed-up has-been I
can't keep it in his pants well at least
I know I don't deserve her
at least I wake up every day knowing on
a lucky one I wasn't aware it took this
much brain power to make popcorn hey I
actually gotta get going but next
Thursday 7 o'clock yeah yeah don't
forget yeah well yeah dad's really
excited to see you it'll be fun cool
it's good to see you bye
wait what what do you want Yin exactly
what I thought you that's what I should
have said when she asked me what I
wanted
instead I open my mouth and nothing came
out I hate mornings
yep freaking out use your indoor voice
Lex can hear you also he hates mornings
David's dad bailed it's just us I've
never been on a date shit
something wrong yeah I gotta take Blake
on this fake date so she doesn't puke
all over David mm-hmm be at the house at
6:00 have gabs help you get ready she is
the boss
I hate mornings there already think so
late come on it can't be that bad let's
go no it is very bad damn is it that bad
yeah it's uh it's horrific how could you
expect to attract a man in this
monstrosity monstrosity huh huh
is that why you keep staring on it I
literally can't look away don't even
think I could if I tried fake date
remember this is a fake date so I don't
make a fool out of myself when I go out
with David on Thursday okay but ii leave
this house you've got to pretend it's
real I'll coach you and hopefully by
Thursday we'll get news of a tragic
accident that David's lost all
functionality of his penis are you sure
I look okay no Blake you look phenomenal
if that bastard doesn't say those exact
words are better he's not deserving okay
shall we yes
are you having a picnic or something
rule number 9 Blake if a guy wants to
surprise the shit out of you
don't question it just tell him how
awesome yes okay well you are awesome
and best fake date ever
hey you know what we need to pretend
like this is real remember or what's the
point I don't know maybe a fun night
some good food all right we're canoeing
towards the restaurant yeah okay I have
to admit to you that is it's pretty cool
although I don't know how much help I'm
gonna be in distress won't cross my
heart I won't look up your skirt rule
number seven
and always lie I'm Julio I'll be your
server this evening can I get you
started with anything yeah can we have
two margaritas on the rocks rule number
ten only two drinks not three not four I
know you can get nervous but after you
go past two drinks you can lose your
inhibition and things can get out of
control real fast
two is a safe number and yeah you know
because you're gonna need that for your
cardio later cardio yeah sex with David
oh I am I haven't really thought about
that
mmm it's a nice special please
Thanks you know what's gonna happen
eventually right yeah I don't know I
don't really like thinking about it
because well honestly it kind of makes
me want to puke huh
no it's just I'm gonna be horrible and
then I make a fool out of myself and
then he's gonna hate it
number six guys never hate sex okay if
he's not getting off it's either because
he mistakenly use numbing jealous of KY
or he's gay and you just lack the goods
to get in there okay why you still need
another minute yeah
if you can't even talk about having sex
with David I just why are you even going
on a date with him I get it why are you
even using my help it's just I don't
know don't you think it's moving so fast
I wanted him to notice me I didn't want
him to take me to bed two weeks after
your little plan works well then just
say no rules 12 13 and 14 clearly say
that you can absolutely say no so how
did you get into this how did you start
wingman actually it was my sister she
was at the time crushing really hard on
this guy for my team and I say hard I
mean she drove her car into a mailbox
when we had him over for fourth of July
yeah the sad thing is is he was in knew
her too she was always so shy and
insecure to ever meet him halfway and I
was always just too selfish to give a
shit
so she settled she's all for a guy who
thinks that video games are like the
Olympics so there's two types of
settling there's a type that is cute a
match made in heaven were you look at a
couple holding hands in public and you
think exact role legally blind and then
there's the other type of settling which
is the insecure type while her girl
never reaches her full potential and
settles for someone you know that's what
she's worth my sister deserve better and
if she had just an ounce of confidence
it would have changed her life now if
she even had one rule for my playbook it
would have changed her life
well and so the playbook to the playbook
okay
the final rule your feeling like the
dates going good and you want to
continue it's up to you to invite them
in okay yeah no do you want to come in
Wow
that depends on what do you have
refreshments
you can't just invite someone and
expecting something to happen you have
to have coffee drink late-night movie
it's kind of an unwritten rule all of
the above
how's that thanks enter
[Music]
screw David you mind
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gasps you gonna suffocate me no Blake's
a friend and now it's gonna be awkward
not to mention she's a frickin client
what the hell were you thinking what I
really liked her that David's a douche
and that I'd rather die than let him
touch her
you aren't bailing does it look like I'm
jumping out the window or making up some
story about my dog you know how a dog I
know where's Blake baking she got up
with the ass crack of dawn went for a
four mile run and then she decided to
make you pancakes pancakes mm-hmm all
right
hi are you making pancakes yeah good
morning morning it's safe to relax he
was freaking out that you missed your
normal meeting at the bench so shit I
didn't mean to sleep in I know you
looked exhausted though and I didn't
wanna wake you up I was exhausted sweet
cheeks but the best type of way the type
where you probably should take a week
off of school mm-hmm me too think of the
possibility this could change for life
well maybe it is I could get really
addicted these no not in the kitchen you
guys I will seriously grab the pillow
from upstairs now break apart for once I
am NOT cooking so I went to sit and
enjoy my coffee without watching real
life porn
who got late last night
you know you can't hook up with clients
yeah that contract got terminated the
second she screamed my name okay so no
David yes no did you say yet one he's
still a friend and I I'm still gonna go
to dinner with him I'm a friend named we
screwed one four times last night I'm
sorry was that all it was - you know I
don't know where there's more reason why
I don't think you should be going on a
date with douche pants look it's fine
okay I promise you it is fine okay no no
no put me down
we'll be back you're gonna read the
compatibility report with Blake I
haven't decided yet
are you doing home I live here unless
you're kicking me out
which you may do have to read in the
report it's that bad stats show that if
client a Blake or do embark on a
relationship with client B Ian there is
a 50% chance that one or both hearts
will be broken in a relational and
within two months once the honeymoon
stage is done yeah
David's father it's gone poor shows that
if client a or doe barking a
relationship with clients see there is
an 87% chance that the relationship will
be a success and it will bloom Blake and
David
not on my watch
all right you know what I think you
should fake the flu tonight
Ian look at me mmm I can't it just it
reminds me that tonight he's gonna be
looking at you and every time I think
about him in the same damn room I want
to cut his damn shooting hand off and
bury it in Gabe's yard okay listen the
sooner I can get tonight's dinner over
with and tell him how happy I am with
you
the sooner we can just put this whole
David thing behind us okay
just just go hi I'm I'm not gonna be the
crazy ass boyfriend who's jealous and
drives you to your date so just go maybe
I'll see you tonight I'll come by your
place after you okay yep you know don't
let him touch you okay not even on your
back so he's touching your back means
he's thinking about touching your ass
all right mm-hmm I promise
trust me yeah
go get him yeah coming through today you
make that compatibility report for me
and Blake because you knew that
eventually I jump into commitment I
input your information the moment I saw
things start to change between you and
Blake hell
the minute I noticed the linger come
again the linger you lingered you leaned
every muscle in your body tensed when
she walked into the room I've never seen
you linger like that shit I'm a fifty
David's an 87 and he's with her right
now I'll Drive
she's facing him she's not sitting
across from but to the side
bastard may have skills after all you
want to see no that's the last thing I
want to see us how close he's sitting
door
well he's strategically dropping his
napkin so we can inch his chair closer
it's scary how well you know the male
gender dinner is over ordering dessert
then I'll be home don't worry
we should go okay yeah we should go
I hope you enjoyed your dessert get me
drunk does it feel
oh you mean getting my heart broken gee
I don't know max kind of tickles
again your feather stuck in my ass I
mean being on the other side another one
who gets rejected he's a better fit the
numbers don't lie the numbers right yeah
the numbers don't take into account
chemistry may computers can't do that
mhm
look we're still technically under
contracts with Blake per our agreement
so as long as she's gone on her date
with David and kissed him the contract
technically done so terminate the
contract Klug payment and delete her
information do you like this by ignoring
her you run the risk that what did I
lose her forever she's already gonna she
made her decision she kissed him I'm
gonna get back
hey is in here I need to talk to you
like you should go I'm not leaving until
I talk to him
likes he doesn't understand what he saw
and I I just need to explain hey wait to
me why the hell was some other guy
kissing you I'd much rather talk to Ian
about that tough shit
oh you got me okay he kissed me Lex
and you kissed him back mmm I'm missing
some important detail here where you
pushed him away you need him in the ball
I I did push him away he hesitated you
must be proud of yourself the first girl
to take down Ian Hunter he just toss
them aside the second year childhood
crush looks your way David and I are
just friends
that's it and you and you nor what you
kissed another dude whatever you and Ian
had is over expect the contract
termination Anna and honestly I think
your bitch yeah come on har nothing I
didn't I didn't mean to call her a bitch
I just got a cop in the moment yeah hey
hey she cares about you
she's gonna be back three two
no don't talk for two seconds so I can
speak tell Ian that I need to talk to
him and I'm not gonna stop calling him
until he hears me out I love him I love
him good answer
well be in touch
can I talk to you did you get my email
we're done no we're not Ian I love you I
love you so much and I'm so sorry about
the kiss but it I was confused and it
had nothing to do with you yeah no shit
look you did us both a favor
our projected success rate wasn't even
close to being good you should probably
go be with who you wanted all along you
know all of that's changed there's the
sex chemical reaction occurs that
emotionally bonds you with someone when
you have sex with them give it a few
days it'll wear off so while I in I'm
telling you that I love you and you're
just you're gonna push me away don't do
that don't in don't you care about me
like even a tiny bit
your boyfriend's waiting my boyfriend is
standing right in front of me not
anymore
yeah be happy okay
hey and good to see you buddy oh yeah
I'm out of here
and David treat her right Oh certainly
we'll just like I did last night
disrespect God again I'll kill you
Judy it was a joke I'm kidding and you
have said the same stuff you said the
same babe
yeah and wait please let me talk wait
please look I only kissed David to make
sure of my feelings and it felt wrong
and and horrible and it just confirmed
to me that I loved you that before after
you screwed up are you kidding me how
does it go from kissing to sex I
basically walked you through the steps
Blake are we done
so done
[Music]
I know what you're thinking I played
this all wrong I should call her no she
gets David he's the right fit for her I
won't call her but I miss her
fuck it I'll text her
I miss you you rejected me when I said I
love you go to hell
smiley face a smiley face well a smiley
face means that there's still hope right
but we all know what smiley face does
not mean I want to have sex with you
sometimes the smiley face just means I'm
happy but that means she was happy for
me to go to hell or just happy get up
stop moping around look I love you like
a brother this compatibility report is
ruining your life does I break her heart
in two months and David on the other
hand she'd be in total bliss yeah well I
may have tweaked the numbers a bit what
did you do what what I had to do you
when we first started wingmen deal with
we both took never fall in love and what
on that same drunken evening would you
make me swear to you that you won't let
me mm-hmm and why is that
cuz I'm sick of losing shit yeah man
your sauce on my back
so I did I changed the numbers man just
a little but enough for you to bail
don't you get it it doesn't matter the
numbers can be manipulated but the heart
can't Dan poet so you get so much ass I
know we're David's party tonight and
word on the street is he's at it alone
while gab things that would Blake care
for a drink
what yeah I wish mr. goody two-shoes oh
look a butterfly let's hug the tree
actually as bad as I wish he was
oh is that were the case yeah but it's
not one of the most important stats guys
typically mess up within two weeks of a
new relationship and why is that god
complex god complex translation I stole
a sexy piece of ass from Ian Hunter so I
can get any chick that I want so come
hither my pretties well show you what a
real man can do you silver-tongued devil
get your shit together believe in 15
[Music]
[Music]
I'm downtown and you need a ride is it
normal to see Pinocchio after doing
shrimps I'll be right there
just like that I'm back in the game you
don't look high as a kite did you want
to get a drink no I don't want to get a
drink you do realize the last time I saw
you you almost killed David and somehow
simultaneously broke my heart in the
process and now you're just gonna call
me drunk and out I'm not drunk okay I
have a confession to make
and I know it's not particular romantic
but I love you just throw out and I love
you well hi Wow dope being high and yeah
I did because it's true
iPhone ass over heels in love with you I
desperately want you I know I I need you
I fucking crave you I was scared you're
scared yeah an hunter is scared I'm
scared that you'd be settling for me
when David is the one you wanted all you
know that I would be sailing with him
and I wouldn't be settling with you you
know it
I promise you this it will only ever be
you bike you're the only person I want
to wake up with the only person I want
to spend my nights with I love you I
love you just kiss him already
yeah
[Music]
so this is the part of the story where
we cheer to new beginnings and lots of
happy endings and while I pride myself
for the success of wingman Inc I've
learned firsthand that sometimes sure
what sweet cheeks do you uh you might as
I was saying sometimes you just need to
forget all the rules and just follow
your heart oh that's too bad you know I
was really hoping we could do a rule
number 18 again did Ian talk to you he
talks to me everyday you need any more
specific now that he's a flake he wants
to limit his wingman work and said I
could work with you guys not a chance to
know oh there's a chance
yeah chance will poison my lucky charms
and we'll kill each other if you were an
ocean I dive in some sand coming for a
deep breath hold it and take your wave
again if you were a just song just got
along be part of your son in the every
time I see you I just
[Music]
spawning a class to do
and I would know what to do
just wanna cackle asti you
if you are spoon shot Oh whiskey
I drink down slowly have another round
if you are so dance I learned you
answered you
[Music]
above me everything I'm looking for
thing about you more and more I love me
would you love me how can I know I can't
be sure
[Music]
cause dude
[Music]
minutes late two more minutes and I'm
David
[Music]
they were always nervous which was
expected I knew what I looked like
chisel check
caramel blonde hair that somehow manages
to look wavy and thick all the damn time
check sexy crooked smile and check
and don't even get me started on penis
size it just gets better the further
south you go trust me
[Music]
step or say but I doubt that's the way
to get on the good side of that barista
you've been trying not to check out
since you walked through that door I I
haven't been
jealousy is a crucial emotion that men
feel before falling in love I don't bite
yet take it I hate T know you love T
smile
what hey um guys need anything yeah also
my girlfriend over if we need thing
how's our thanks though
stop fidgeting and sit up straight sorry
it's just that he's only talked to me
like twice and only to ask me if I want
sugar in my coffee so he hates coffee
touch me
lower stop staring oh we're done now
laughs that'll do to shell if you need
anything just let me know okay I'm good
with my tea you hate to you know she
loves to you asshole he knows my name
who are you
Ian Hunter master wingman had your only
chance in hell of getting that
appreciate when do we start three
minutes ago
[Music]
hey how was she because she's not a good
fit I have another girl that offered to
pay me and sexual favors move at the top
you know cross her off the list if she
knows how to give favor she knows how to
get her own damn man
noted oh and Gaby says if you don't make
it tonight for dinner she's going to
glue your hand to your penis although
she was much more graphic oh wow
always is I'm on my way see you there I
didn't pick this life it's not like I
woke up one morning and went whoa
wouldn't it be so bad as to help women
to get the guy I'm a coach and coaches
have to play books it's not enough to
know how to play the game you have to
know how to read the place know your
opponent that's what wingman ink is
about and who better to teach women how
not to get played than the actual player
so what do I owe this pleasure I'm not
your client yeah and cut with this into
talking love coach voice you promised I
did you forgot didn't you of course not
come on yeah sometimes I wonder why
we're friends cuz you like watching me
while I sleep one time in the welcome
party for my two new roommates you were
supposed to bring the chips and dip I'm
sorry gabs I'll be there in 15 minutes
you better
[Music]
Wow the top looks gorgeous with your
skin tone sometimes it was just too easy
[Music]
said 15 minutes I say 15 hmm I coulda
sworn I said 20 I smell like cheap
perfume
seriously you smell bad dude go shower
okay I'll put out the food here your
extra clothes are still in my room just
get rid of this skank she has a name you
know although I really couldn't read her
nametag because with her lips wrapped
around me she was blocking the view
what are these days you're gonna get
smited or is it smoked that sounds dirty
I can't wait to try that relax
kind of had you pegged for a boy shorts
girl what are you doing in my room
you mean Gabi's room I mean my room and
you are look I got about three minutes
before Gabi hands - did you want to go
on the bed or the the floor since you're
already there what what are you talking
about down to about two minutes not
gonna lie it's gonna be a little
difficult but I could probably conjure
something up that would cause the little
panting maybe a scream or two ice cream
are you a stripper for the party no
seconds left I don't even think I could
perform miracles for this caliber get
out of my room Gabi's from we switched
yeah okay so uh I would make Gabi's room
yeah gotcha
you lost good rock your world my world
doesn't need Rocking
every girl needs to allow the world to
be rocked at least once or said Rocky's
coming from what sometimes toys yeah
it's a little more complicated it's not
just ones and zeroes it's been ten
minutes tell me you did it
where's Blake no where is she
soccer no I mean if you touched her I
swear I'll rip her golden locks from
your brain one by one golf volleyball
actually that explains the clothes
what's wrong with my clothes he belong
to you unfortunately you know how your
parents always tell you to not feed
strays he was so cute at first like all
puppies then he started biting my
friends love you too bill okay all right
are we gonna do this or what I have a
testimony not yet this is a welcome
party for my new
roommate Serena and Blake we have to
socialize first come on gap we already
met the roommates ian brought food and
you're still single I mean I was right
in the world hears it so we're all gonna
watch this show and then I'm little
dessert should have never fought him
never straight that's me do you night
like day and night
what's up my man what's the news Serena
okay
wild cat in bed forgot my name twice I
believe in unicorns have you tend to
comic-con three times and when I asked
for her number she cried quite damn well
spit on your a game last night I'm never
off my game so that that one time you
hear on gaps as a flute I was drunk can
we please not talk about Gabby just
early in the morning I really mess with
the rest of my day your schedules full
but a new one public on the site this
morning and I wasn't sure if you wanted
me to let her robot do it look I gotta
go
she'll has this early morning class with
douche pants and I gotta walk her to
class holding her books then kiss her on
the forehead
Kayla's oldest time my friend you know
it
stop here
[Music]
hey do you know this oh you noticed now
you can give me your number don't answer
the first text answer the third always
the third but what if he doesn't ask for
it
trust me he will rocky go I just blazed
through rules one two three and four
rule one makes me curious Rule two don't
appear too interested
Rule three give him a method of contact
but keep the ball in your court rule 4
never answer the first text sorry bro Oh
[Music]
fans of yours
[Music]
the club has an opening they made
posters last year you clearly have to
have an opinion of yourself some say not
high enough
you gotta make it you're gonna make it
well what your eyes they're a nice ice
blue I'm not interested in men and you
so stop talking Thank You Lake of course
it did
he's gonna try and get you alone don't
let him don't rule number five you're
busy you are always busy unless I say
you are and you are them
interesting waiting for someone
yes I am and it's very important so can
you please leave
forget it this is a stupid idea
doh David would approve of this attitude
says here that he values optimism above
all things what come with me let's go
what is this wingmen Inc no no gotta be
kidding me
I'm not kidding you Lex and I are the
masterminds behind the fastest-growing
dating service in the Pacific Northwest
some say on a modern-day Superman
saving women from themselves while legs
play sidekick you're welcome you're such
an ass
and I'm also your new love coach that is
if you're still interested look we have
a 99% success rate if you follow the
rules
take my guidance and advice you'll be
popping up little Davidson no time what
kids yeah
or whatever it is you want I'll get it
for you can I think about it sure you
have one minute look this was an impulse
a girl on my team she gave me her card
after I kept complaining about David not
noticing yeah I know Megan nice girl 30
seconds fine good look I don't like the
candy code anything so I'm gonna be real
honest here if we're gonna turn the head
of the captain the basketball team we
have a lot of work to do but I'm the
best and we start tonight Lex is gonna
look over the details and send you the
schedule tonight oh and if David tries
to reach out to you at all during this
process contact me first if he texts you
ignore it he tells you you're busy with
your new study partner oh is that you
Blake not only am I your new study
partner from here on out I'm here
everything I know you pride yourself on
taking less than a week for a client to
gain true love's kiss
but damn can't be that bad my man no
actually it's worse
who's saying she's a little version who
never kissed a man plushies when she
hears the word sex can't spell the word
orgasm and believes in love at first
sight
damn here's a questionnaire check out
Blake's number 15 number 15 Oh number 15
what would you wear on a first date her
answer something comfortable like a
baggy sweatshirt or
a hat cuz hats are mysterious number 16
is my favorite 16 my first kiss was her
answer hopefully it'll be great
I especially like the smiley face in the
heart emoji I'm gonna see you tonight
self up on these did you want to finish
the questionnaire should i no no that's
all you bro just no yeah no how do you
do that just lead girls on like that
every single one of them is staring and
whispering I wanted I just took a
picture to actually you know but why
it's not you're famous or anything are
you
what are you gonna just leave it like
that or do you want to you want to
explain it's not much to explain my
sophomore year I got an exemption to
play pro football then I got injured so
here I am
well what what just happened here he's
here yeah I know that's why we're here
he comes here every night after
basketball practice we're doing a little
recon your file shows that you met when
you were four and as actually took baths
together
so I'm just wondering what this whole
like shy deals about cuz you know he's
seen a good sister the goods I didn't
have Goods when I was four
you know I can't even tell if you have
goods now I'm considering the bag he
calls you okay can we just go before he
sees us please
and then that's a bad idea why because
every time I'm around him I just I act
like a dude but like I'm one of the guys
and I just want him to see me
differently
I want him to know I have boobs
all right well like I said before dude
the jury's still clearly out on that one
are you sniffing my hair yeah is he
looking no he's eating bastard God he
must be clueless you know what he knows
the scene you three
Blake hey it's hurtin see when we when
we came in
yeah who's your friend names Ian yeah
Ian how's it going man
okay good dude you should have seen this
guy play yeah let's not bore with that
nice to meet you yeah how do you know my
girl you're your girl yeah my girl I
didn't realize you were dating anybody
oh I didn't realize you were her dad
hell no man we don't we we go way back
we've been for instance before we could
walk you know hmm it's a real cute story
um well nice to meet you Blake's dad
kidding nice to meet you David yeah it's
nice to me
it's good to see you Blake you do shall
we yeah
you okay yeah thank you
I think it was the first time he's ever
looks at me like you have boobs
exactly next
are they any count to five I don't think
it fits okay look they measured you it
fits
we got to go cabbie said we got dinner
at 6:00 this is just too much pressure I
mean how do i how do I know if it fits
their their boobs how do I know if it
looks good let's go open up before I
crawl under come on let's go
scale of 1 to 10 how awful is it like
your great you sound bored no your boobs
they look good
Abby do you think I'm just not good at
this I didn't grow up with a mom so
well-mannered turned out my sight girls
by touch
I wearing something fitting you're
guaranteeing that he won't see you as a
buddy but as a partner that's what you
wanted right right I want you look good
I'll be eating out in your hand in no
time that confident in your abilities
know what I'm pretty confident in yours
sir you need to get out of the dressing
room
we don't allow customers to play in the
product before they purchase wait hanky
panky oh oh you mean sex
we'll take it all
[Music]
thank you
if you hurt her I'm gonna break off your
favorite appendage so uh where's the
other roomie
over here okay yo legs so uh Blake I
like your new look
Thanks it was Ian he was a big help
it's okay I guess I mean if you're into
working out well it's clearly she is
look at her oh my god I was so sorry
no it's okay it's okay it's just workout
clothes I can always wash them hmm
that isn't good oh thanks
[Music]
you kissed her yet well I will take that
as a No
she's never kissed another guy man it
would be wrong you know that wrong
mm-hmm are you falling for her no hell
no you see her flip-flops Jesus what is
their main role
don't fall for clients don't fall for
the clients I think it's clean bro no
dessert like I talked you for a second
upstairs yeah what's wrong
you're wearing your where your any
thought hmm
yeah does the stripping have a purpose
stripping should always have a purpose
we need to wash your clothes and I
needed help with that or what you'll be
giant hoodies in here
okay honest moment why do you uh what do
you wear clothes like this well
everybody has their own thing right what
nothing um right tomorrow
mean you we're gonna go work out
together we have to get to the gym early
before David cuz we're gonna catch him
by surprise
adrenaline pumps when you workout and
hot chicks watching even better
you said hot chick not cute yeah trust
me come here so tomorrow when he sees us
we're gonna need to flirt the problem is
that you flinch when I try to touch you
no I don't I don't
okay you see that that look right there
yeah that really pissed off look it
sometimes can be confused for lust so
maybe I'll just piss you off the entire
workout that might work but if it
doesn't I need to kiss you okay
and if I do I need to know that you're
not gonna scratch my eyes out or leave
me in the balls um I guess I just have
to wait and find out no never play a
player doesn't work okay sweet cheeks
sweet cheeks sweet cheeks
okay I think lesson time is over
yeah uh-oh I'll be back at 4:30 to pick
you up
4:00 in the morning oh okay this better
work
it's never not worked so uh unless you
having second thoughts
no no I'm not
for three are you ready
[Applause]
tired exhausting I love that feeling
it's the best okay how stretchy Oh quiet
stay calm you're good relax oh hey pain
feels amazing what Blake oh hey hey hey
David I didn't see you there
wow you look exhausted
yeah Ian really knows how to work me oh
you're not me if you ever you ever need
help with the gym can always ask me oh
well thanks for the offer but David I
think I got it
all right the offer stands it's really
good to see you Blake you look good
Thanks
skip the one might put another one on
sorry
well that was a really great first kiss
dammit I was ruining everything I was
her first kiss me
the certified man-whore isn't the man
she was in love with can I get you guys
anything else I don't suppose you
moonlight as a massage therapist
well done that loan was delivered
perfectly no but I am good with my hands
doubtful very doubtful great the sooner
I finish with shell the sooner I could
what finish with Blake let's go to shell
what if she doesn't want to go with you
the last round goes to the barista and I
think you should go well that's what you
want shell last round always goes to the
guy
Blake gaps like hey there you are see
some people are trying to sleep oh
really
mm-hmm cute hair oh really
look you'll have the clap from Oh sex
you've had and you're afraid of a little
cold we I don't like germs what do you
want why are you here I had an idea for
Blake
she's upstairs the pipe in the bathroom
broke and there was water everywhere I
tried getting a plumber but she said
something about her friend's dad being a
plumber and then suddenly some tall dude
showed up and said he could fix it David
thank you David no oh my god are you
sick - I think so plate Haga I'm pretty
sure he's gonna be just fine
the last thing that you need is to get
sick for the big test on Friday right
would you want to get out of here we can
go get some ice cream or something so
you're not stuck in this sick house no
he's uh it's probably right you
shouldn't get sick you know why you're
probably already coming down with
something again I'm sorry baby if I had
no one I want to put my mouth all over
you like that rain check I just I don't
want you to get sick before your big
game yeah yeah that's probably a good
idea but you do have my number now
so uh so call me anytime it's good to
see you look mmm yes to hang out you're
busy you're always busy and I say you're
free rule number five clearly states
this he tries to call you or wants to
curious into hanging out no especially
when you're with another guy it makes
you look easy and it makes our
relationship look fake yeah okay yeah
all right um
I'll see you girls later
Lexx emergency meeting right now what up
it's uh it's David what is his deal
she's moving through these steps way too
fast and he's falling for it
something's up with him you bring up his
phone wait you wanna look at his file
David and Blake's compatibility 87%
unless you've got a high that's high
really high you like her well yeah I
also like yogurt so Gabi called
she's worried Gabi called he called she
hates you yeah she said at least 10
times before finally getting to the real
reason behind her phone call
she thinks you're holding up with Blake
no not happening
nor will it yeah go get Gabi some soup
she's sick I'm gonna go sleep off
whatever I'm coming down with Oh
hopefully not dying
if I turn into a zombie at some point at
least take a couple good pictures for
you decapitate me you have my word
[Music]
[Music]
you're okay it's just a fever what are
you doing here oh yeah you don't let
women or clients into the house ever
I texted you and I called you and then I
threatened Gabby who threatened Lex
that worried about me huh about you oh
no no I'm doing this for it entirely
selfish reasons
because if I lose my love coach then I
lose my love mm-hmm
sorry just feel so good you don't make
me feel even better right now
mmm you and a hot nurse outfit okay
right but I'm more like one of those
cute little pigs uh-huh you know the
teacup ones no just that's just Sookie
just kind of want to keep it for
everything okay come on you need to get
your fever down come on oh just let me
die
come on never leave a man behind
alright you have a fever which we need
to get down all right well this is up
there for the second worst day of my
life
oh yeah then what's at first dams died
and then give your best friends is that
right mm-hmm
yeah only have two jobs and bikes and
you know I'm gonna kill them off soon so
there's a vacancy oh well that's good to
know
you have to cook for me though okay I
can do that I used to cook for my dad
and brother all the time really yeah
your brother is pretty as you he's dead
sorry dying sucks
yeah it really does Blake yeah thank you
I like you too
[Music]
clearly you're feeling better
just a little delirious yeah with that
nurse outfit snow nurse cost you think
you're healed and I have to get you
practice fine yeah that it's this
morning it happens it that's not helping
Blake sorry I'm just gonna sorry yeah I
just wanted to say that you need to stay
in bed and that I I left you two Tylenol
you should take those and I will bring
you food after practice food food you
should probably take care of that I
should you a good nurse would probably
stay and help me take care of that
[Music]
Felix Blake Hey please tell me that fufu
- I did I got your favorite I think
chow mein with pork great shut it I got
you sue yeah
oh sorry is it hot yeah it's freakishly
honest all right here just fix it up
you know what you blow you want me to
blow in your soup are you 12
all right shit it's really hot blow well
well coming from you I'll take that is
the highest of compliments so what are
we watching
what's up sweet cheeks that was it
do you ever think that that may be what
she thought you wanted isn't actually
what you want anymore
I mean like you spend your entire life
in pursuit of one goal then hopeful
something changes yeah that's exactly
what I mean that's life Blake how's that
that just doesn't feel so wishy-washy to
go from one thing to another that's all
part of college discovering yourself I
mean I think hey maybe wearing
flip-flops from 1992 wasn't as cool that
they're not mine oh really so you just
stole someone's flip-flops decided hey
let's bring these back no they were my
brothers and after he died I I don't
know I just I just wanted to be close to
him so you raided his clothes what
everything smelled like chemins was
comforting until he had to wash it until
my dad forced me to watch them yeah well
it's only been two years I still miss
them I know yeah
car accident drunk driver
that's weird I used to I used to piss me
off so bad talking about it but some
reason when I started wearing his
clothes it's like I don't know it almost
feels like invisible armor well I hate
to break it to you but these flip-flops
mm-hmm or anything but visible yeah
first rule of kindergarten Oh would you
just like us I must have missed it oh
you must have it once right up there
with fire safety so it's a little
important hmm okay yeah well I told you
never to play the player hey I'm just
following your rules
that's all sometimes I hate my rules me
too
[Music]
whoa whoa we're training we're training
you know we're setting up for a date for
her and you know David he's movement do
the steps so fast you know I figured
he's gonna do something yeah I think I
got it thank you
Ian wait wait look I'm sorry okay I'm
sorry I got carried away I'll help you
David and then hopefully we can be
friends friends it's funny how words
that are supposed to make people happy
kind of make you want to punch a tree
like Chuck Norris yeah
friends friends it is
you know this isn't a sting right you
can take your sunglasses off plus we're
we're indoors you look ridiculous hey
you said no eye contact and that happens
to be very difficult for me a soap it
sunglasses dude just look at his crotch
I'll eat that shit up I'm not looking no
no do you have any other pointers that
don't involve me staring at his groin I
think you can do better than that miss
nursing major nope not doing penis oh
look he can't even say should you really
be playing with it I mean no come here
eventually you're gonna have to get past
the point of being afraid of your own
sexuality something tells me that
David's not super great in bed so you're
gonna have to get a little bit of
confidence so you can tell him what you
want and what makes you think that I
mean I'm a virgin so oh I'm gonna suck
impossible believe me David on the other
hand the last girlfriend we interview
said that although he deserved an A for
effort
on multiple occasions she studied for a
test during during sex mm-hmm that's so
impersonal I mean shouldn't you be
putting your your whole mind into it
your body your soul we're gonna have
track the point is that you're probably
gonna have to give him some direction
and you're gonna have to say words like
penis okay the end fine penis Oh louder
penis hey man didn't see you there hey
how's it going
I thought y'all were more casual I know
we made it official last night right
sweet cheeks sorry yeah it's just it was
a really great night
yeah great night good happy for you
Blake really happy for you yeah we
should uh we should get out of here
what are you laughing
they were just gave me the finger yeah
it's kind of rude won't get to that cuz
his hands were free and mine
[Music]
nice I like good because I haven't worn
them in forever
[Music]
sound bird game boy did you just call me
boy good you do know I played pro
football I'm gonna have to do this oh
it's pretty much good at every sport
except for golf really pretty sure we
established that ice skating is not a
sport you are serving let me just get
comfortable how quick oh it's like that
is it sure is two can play that game
let's go ready my money's on Blake do
you know he was nominated for a Heisman
right it's not a hard thing to get
[Music]
[Music]
what happened okay
yeah uni yeah come on Lex let's go grab
an ice pack come on hey put weight on me
you okay yeah I'm fine just old injury
oh it's starting to swell what happened
to your knee can you keep a secret
yes I'm Superman yeah I just injured it
saving two old ladies and their cats he
really is a hero that poor little boy
would have died can you imagine what
that would have done to that father
after losing his wife he was amazing and
don't sell yourself she's okay enough
gasps thank you Thanks look don't listen
to her
I'm no hero Here I am being bitter that
I can't play football and this kid could
have died well he's sort of dead too I
mean in a way you lost part of what made
you you in him I got past it
you know okay I want you to think I'm
one of those broken guys living the old
glory days of football how'd you get
over it it was the kid he um he came and
visited me in the hospital and I
actually stood calm by his last name
Montgomery our little Monty cuz
it was tiny and apparently he's so
afraid of the dark so he brought me this
bear smartly named bear and his mom
unfortunately passed away earlier that
year from cancer and she gave him that
bear it was supposed to be like his
protection bear to make him feel safe
and he gave it to me said he didn't need
it anymore because he had me that bear
lives the high life in my room will tell
you that what about what about Monty
where is he now actually gonna be a
pretty badass football player his dad
sends me a schedule for his like
practices and games and I've actually
been to a few he's not bad you really
are Superman what's one person here are
two
hey you up for a movie yeah we'll be
right there
you guys know just not happening shower
or no couch time sure we'll go shower
oh not together hey David here to see
you are we in for it
[Music]
and if it takes all my life
some days I think my it's always always
raining on me you know you can cut like
night
[Music]
[Music]
you ruined me for other women gee I'm
gonna go make some popcorn you need yeah
it's just pop art I think I'll be fine
yeah I'm good I think I'm fine to watch
the movie not like somebody could help
you with you know I get it
she's yours at least for now but listen
to me we have a history and that is not
something that you can compete with not
now not ever
shit how am I gonna compete with the
tree house whoo you smug bastard look
you don't deserve her you never will
oh but you do mr. washed-up has-been I
can't keep it in his pants well at least
I know I don't deserve her
at least I wake up every day knowing on
a lucky one I wasn't aware it took this
much brain power to make popcorn hey I
actually gotta get going but next
Thursday 7 o'clock yeah yeah don't
forget yeah well yeah dad's really
excited to see you it'll be fun cool
it's good to see you bye
wait what what do you want Yin exactly
what I thought you that's what I should
have said when she asked me what I
wanted
instead I open my mouth and nothing came
out I hate mornings
yep freaking out use your indoor voice
Lex can hear you also he hates mornings
David's dad bailed it's just us I've
never been on a date shit
something wrong yeah I gotta take Blake
on this fake date so she doesn't puke
all over David mm-hmm be at the house at
6:00 have gabs help you get ready she is
the boss
I hate mornings there already think so
late come on it can't be that bad let's
go no it is very bad damn is it that bad
yeah it's uh it's horrific how could you
expect to attract a man in this
monstrosity monstrosity huh huh
is that why you keep staring on it I
literally can't look away don't even
think I could if I tried fake date
remember this is a fake date so I don't
make a fool out of myself when I go out
with David on Thursday okay but ii leave
this house you've got to pretend it's
real I'll coach you and hopefully by
Thursday we'll get news of a tragic
accident that David's lost all
functionality of his penis are you sure
I look okay no Blake you look phenomenal
if that bastard doesn't say those exact
words are better he's not deserving okay
shall we yes
are you having a picnic or something
rule number 9 Blake if a guy wants to
surprise the shit out of you
don't question it just tell him how
awesome yes okay well you are awesome
and best fake date ever
hey you know what we need to pretend
like this is real remember or what's the
point I don't know maybe a fun night
some good food all right we're canoeing
towards the restaurant yeah okay I have
to admit to you that is it's pretty cool
although I don't know how much help I'm
gonna be in distress won't cross my
heart I won't look up your skirt rule
number seven
and always lie I'm Julio I'll be your
server this evening can I get you
started with anything yeah can we have
two margaritas on the rocks rule number
ten only two drinks not three not four I
know you can get nervous but after you
go past two drinks you can lose your
inhibition and things can get out of
control real fast
two is a safe number and yeah you know
because you're gonna need that for your
cardio later cardio yeah sex with David
oh I am I haven't really thought about
that
mmm it's a nice special please
Thanks you know what's gonna happen
eventually right yeah I don't know I
don't really like thinking about it
because well honestly it kind of makes
me want to puke huh
no it's just I'm gonna be horrible and
then I make a fool out of myself and
then he's gonna hate it
number six guys never hate sex okay if
he's not getting off it's either because
he mistakenly use numbing jealous of KY
or he's gay and you just lack the goods
to get in there okay why you still need
another minute yeah
if you can't even talk about having sex
with David I just why are you even going
on a date with him I get it why are you
even using my help it's just I don't
know don't you think it's moving so fast
I wanted him to notice me I didn't want
him to take me to bed two weeks after
your little plan works well then just
say no rules 12 13 and 14 clearly say
that you can absolutely say no so how
did you get into this how did you start
wingman actually it was my sister she
was at the time crushing really hard on
this guy for my team and I say hard I
mean she drove her car into a mailbox
when we had him over for fourth of July
yeah the sad thing is is he was in knew
her too she was always so shy and
insecure to ever meet him halfway and I
was always just too selfish to give a
shit
so she settled she's all for a guy who
thinks that video games are like the
Olympics so there's two types of
settling there's a type that is cute a
match made in heaven were you look at a
couple holding hands in public and you
think exact role legally blind and then
there's the other type of settling which
is the insecure type while her girl
never reaches her full potential and
settles for someone you know that's what
she's worth my sister deserve better and
if she had just an ounce of confidence
it would have changed her life now if
she even had one rule for my playbook it
would have changed her life
well and so the playbook to the playbook
okay
the final rule your feeling like the
dates going good and you want to
continue it's up to you to invite them
in okay yeah no do you want to come in
Wow
that depends on what do you have
refreshments
you can't just invite someone and
expecting something to happen you have
to have coffee drink late-night movie
it's kind of an unwritten rule all of
the above
how's that thanks enter
[Music]
screw David you mind
[Music]
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gasps you gonna suffocate me no Blake's
a friend and now it's gonna be awkward
not to mention she's a frickin client
what the hell were you thinking what I
really liked her that David's a douche
and that I'd rather die than let him
touch her
you aren't bailing does it look like I'm
jumping out the window or making up some
story about my dog you know how a dog I
know where's Blake baking she got up
with the ass crack of dawn went for a
four mile run and then she decided to
make you pancakes pancakes mm-hmm all
right
hi are you making pancakes yeah good
morning morning it's safe to relax he
was freaking out that you missed your
normal meeting at the bench so shit I
didn't mean to sleep in I know you
looked exhausted though and I didn't
wanna wake you up I was exhausted sweet
cheeks but the best type of way the type
where you probably should take a week
off of school mm-hmm me too think of the
possibility this could change for life
well maybe it is I could get really
addicted these no not in the kitchen you
guys I will seriously grab the pillow
from upstairs now break apart for once I
am NOT cooking so I went to sit and
enjoy my coffee without watching real
life porn
who got late last night
you know you can't hook up with clients
yeah that contract got terminated the
second she screamed my name okay so no
David yes no did you say yet one he's
still a friend and I I'm still gonna go
to dinner with him I'm a friend named we
screwed one four times last night I'm
sorry was that all it was - you know I
don't know where there's more reason why
I don't think you should be going on a
date with douche pants look it's fine
okay I promise you it is fine okay no no
no put me down
we'll be back you're gonna read the
compatibility report with Blake I
haven't decided yet
are you doing home I live here unless
you're kicking me out
which you may do have to read in the
report it's that bad stats show that if
client a Blake or do embark on a
relationship with client B Ian there is
a 50% chance that one or both hearts
will be broken in a relational and
within two months once the honeymoon
stage is done yeah
David's father it's gone poor shows that
if client a or doe barking a
relationship with clients see there is
an 87% chance that the relationship will
be a success and it will bloom Blake and
David
not on my watch
all right you know what I think you
should fake the flu tonight
Ian look at me mmm I can't it just it
reminds me that tonight he's gonna be
looking at you and every time I think
about him in the same damn room I want
to cut his damn shooting hand off and
bury it in Gabe's yard okay listen the
sooner I can get tonight's dinner over
with and tell him how happy I am with
you
the sooner we can just put this whole
David thing behind us okay
just just go hi I'm I'm not gonna be the
crazy ass boyfriend who's jealous and
drives you to your date so just go maybe
I'll see you tonight I'll come by your
place after you okay yep you know don't
let him touch you okay not even on your
back so he's touching your back means
he's thinking about touching your ass
all right mm-hmm I promise
trust me yeah
go get him yeah coming through today you
make that compatibility report for me
and Blake because you knew that
eventually I jump into commitment I
input your information the moment I saw
things start to change between you and
Blake hell
the minute I noticed the linger come
again the linger you lingered you leaned
every muscle in your body tensed when
she walked into the room I've never seen
you linger like that shit I'm a fifty
David's an 87 and he's with her right
now I'll Drive
she's facing him she's not sitting
across from but to the side
bastard may have skills after all you
want to see no that's the last thing I
want to see us how close he's sitting
door
well he's strategically dropping his
napkin so we can inch his chair closer
it's scary how well you know the male
gender dinner is over ordering dessert
then I'll be home don't worry
we should go okay yeah we should go
I hope you enjoyed your dessert get me
drunk does it feel
oh you mean getting my heart broken gee
I don't know max kind of tickles
again your feather stuck in my ass I
mean being on the other side another one
who gets rejected he's a better fit the
numbers don't lie the numbers right yeah
the numbers don't take into account
chemistry may computers can't do that
mhm
look we're still technically under
contracts with Blake per our agreement
so as long as she's gone on her date
with David and kissed him the contract
technically done so terminate the
contract Klug payment and delete her
information do you like this by ignoring
her you run the risk that what did I
lose her forever she's already gonna she
made her decision she kissed him I'm
gonna get back
hey is in here I need to talk to you
like you should go I'm not leaving until
I talk to him
likes he doesn't understand what he saw
and I I just need to explain hey wait to
me why the hell was some other guy
kissing you I'd much rather talk to Ian
about that tough shit
oh you got me okay he kissed me Lex
and you kissed him back mmm I'm missing
some important detail here where you
pushed him away you need him in the ball
I I did push him away he hesitated you
must be proud of yourself the first girl
to take down Ian Hunter he just toss
them aside the second year childhood
crush looks your way David and I are
just friends
that's it and you and you nor what you
kissed another dude whatever you and Ian
had is over expect the contract
termination Anna and honestly I think
your bitch yeah come on har nothing I
didn't I didn't mean to call her a bitch
I just got a cop in the moment yeah hey
hey she cares about you
she's gonna be back three two
no don't talk for two seconds so I can
speak tell Ian that I need to talk to
him and I'm not gonna stop calling him
until he hears me out I love him I love
him good answer
well be in touch
can I talk to you did you get my email
we're done no we're not Ian I love you I
love you so much and I'm so sorry about
the kiss but it I was confused and it
had nothing to do with you yeah no shit
look you did us both a favor
our projected success rate wasn't even
close to being good you should probably
go be with who you wanted all along you
know all of that's changed there's the
sex chemical reaction occurs that
emotionally bonds you with someone when
you have sex with them give it a few
days it'll wear off so while I in I'm
telling you that I love you and you're
just you're gonna push me away don't do
that don't in don't you care about me
like even a tiny bit
your boyfriend's waiting my boyfriend is
standing right in front of me not
anymore
yeah be happy okay
hey and good to see you buddy oh yeah
I'm out of here
and David treat her right Oh certainly
we'll just like I did last night
disrespect God again I'll kill you
Judy it was a joke I'm kidding and you
have said the same stuff you said the
same babe
yeah and wait please let me talk wait
please look I only kissed David to make
sure of my feelings and it felt wrong
and and horrible and it just confirmed
to me that I loved you that before after
you screwed up are you kidding me how
does it go from kissing to sex I
basically walked you through the steps
Blake are we done
so done
[Music]
I know what you're thinking I played
this all wrong I should call her no she
gets David he's the right fit for her I
won't call her but I miss her
fuck it I'll text her
I miss you you rejected me when I said I
love you go to hell
smiley face a smiley face well a smiley
face means that there's still hope right
but we all know what smiley face does
not mean I want to have sex with you
sometimes the smiley face just means I'm
happy but that means she was happy for
me to go to hell or just happy get up
stop moping around look I love you like
a brother this compatibility report is
ruining your life does I break her heart
in two months and David on the other
hand she'd be in total bliss yeah well I
may have tweaked the numbers a bit what
did you do what what I had to do you
when we first started wingmen deal with
we both took never fall in love and what
on that same drunken evening would you
make me swear to you that you won't let
me mm-hmm and why is that
cuz I'm sick of losing shit yeah man
your sauce on my back
so I did I changed the numbers man just
a little but enough for you to bail
don't you get it it doesn't matter the
numbers can be manipulated but the heart
can't Dan poet so you get so much ass I
know we're David's party tonight and
word on the street is he's at it alone
while gab things that would Blake care
for a drink
what yeah I wish mr. goody two-shoes oh
look a butterfly let's hug the tree
actually as bad as I wish he was
oh is that were the case yeah but it's
not one of the most important stats guys
typically mess up within two weeks of a
new relationship and why is that god
complex god complex translation I stole
a sexy piece of ass from Ian Hunter so I
can get any chick that I want so come
hither my pretties well show you what a
real man can do you silver-tongued devil
get your shit together believe in 15
[Music]
[Music]
I'm downtown and you need a ride is it
normal to see Pinocchio after doing
shrimps I'll be right there
just like that I'm back in the game you
don't look high as a kite did you want
to get a drink no I don't want to get a
drink you do realize the last time I saw
you you almost killed David and somehow
simultaneously broke my heart in the
process and now you're just gonna call
me drunk and out I'm not drunk okay I
have a confession to make
and I know it's not particular romantic
but I love you just throw out and I love
you well hi Wow dope being high and yeah
I did because it's true
iPhone ass over heels in love with you I
desperately want you I know I I need you
I fucking crave you I was scared you're
scared yeah an hunter is scared I'm
scared that you'd be settling for me
when David is the one you wanted all you
know that I would be sailing with him
and I wouldn't be settling with you you
know it
I promise you this it will only ever be
you bike you're the only person I want
to wake up with the only person I want
to spend my nights with I love you I
love you just kiss him already
yeah
[Music]
so this is the part of the story where
we cheer to new beginnings and lots of
happy endings and while I pride myself
for the success of wingman Inc I've
learned firsthand that sometimes sure
what sweet cheeks do you uh you might as
I was saying sometimes you just need to
forget all the rules and just follow
your heart oh that's too bad you know I
was really hoping we could do a rule
number 18 again did Ian talk to you he
talks to me everyday you need any more
specific now that he's a flake he wants
to limit his wingman work and said I
could work with you guys not a chance to
know oh there's a chance
yeah chance will poison my lucky charms
and we'll kill each other if you were an
ocean I dive in some sand coming for a
deep breath hold it and take your wave
again if you were a just song just got
along be part of your son in the every
time I see you I just
[Music]
spawning a class to do
and I would know what to do
just wanna cackle asti you
if you are spoon shot Oh whiskey
I drink down slowly have another round
if you are so dance I learned you
answered you
[Music]
above me everything I'm looking for
thing about you more and more I love me
would you love me how can I know I can't
be sure
[Music]
cause dude
[Music]