Resident Alien (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - Welcome Aliens - full transcript
Harry and Asta attend an alien convention.
Previously
ON "Resident Alien"...
I think this alien's here
to kill everybody.
- You will help me
find my device.
- That's on the glacier.
You can't go there.
Harry, don't go!
It's too dangerous.
- Not for me.
- Harry!
- You have kids?
- We have a little boy
named Max.
- Max.
- You should take my number.
Call anytime.
- When I find my device,
I can finally kill them all.
- Harry!
Don't move.
I am what your people
call an extraterrestrial.
- Oh.
- An alien.
- Oh, I feel nauseous.
- You earn respect
through your actions, Deputy.
Did you make
your own murder board?
- Toxicology results.
Sam was poisoned.
You don't respect me,
and you never have.
I quit!
- I'm not quitting.
I'm gonna get us out of here.
Tell me how to help you.
- My leg.
I will die
if you don't chop it off.
- Okay, look at me.
I won't let you die.
- Aah!
Do my feet look
like watermelons?
'Cause they feel like it.
- The sexiest watermelons
I've ever seen.
- Still so much to do before"Jack" or "Joanie" comes.
We need crib sheets
and burp cloths.
- Couples massage.
-
So where do we stand
on baby food?
Jarred or homemade?
- I don't know.
I read somewhere homemade
doesn't keep as well.
A little too lumpy.
Plus, I've tried
baby applesauce,
and it's freakin' delicious.
- What's happening?
♪
- I don't know.
Oh, my God.
Honey!
Oh.
Honey, the baby.
- Uh, uh...
- Okay.
♪
- You saw that, right?
♪
- I'm dead.
But if I'm dead, why do
I feel so warm and squishy
like I'm being hugged
by a cloud?
Oh, no.
This must be the afterlife.
I'm in human heaven.
It makes me want
to kill myself.
- I see the morphine
is still working.
- What are you doing here?
Why does the afterlife
look like a crappy cabin?
Are you dead too?
- I didn't want
to leave you alone
after what you'd been through.
Come on.
You need to eat just so you
can get your strength back.
Mmm.
- Now I know why you have 17
gallons of milk in your fridge.
Okay, I need to change
your dressing.
Um, I think we should,
you know,
try to avoid suspicion.
So I started looking into
getting you a prosthetic.
I know--what the freakin' hell
is that?
- That is my leg.
It's regenerating.
- How is that even possible?
- My people are descendants
of octopuses.
Soon it will grow longer,
and then I will transformthe molecules into human shape.
- So you're telling me
eventually that thing
will look like that one?
- Yes.
Except for the moleand the hangnail.
I chewed my toenaildown too low.
You can go now.
- Excuse me?
I stayed up all night.
I got supplies.
I dressed your wounds.
I cleaned you up,
and this is how you thank me?
- I didn't ask you to stay.
- Well, I did
'cause that's what humans do.
They take care of one another.
You know, when some--I'm sorry,
I can't take you seriously
with that thing.
-- What is wrong with it?
-It's perfectly normal.
- Jesus, can you just
put a sock on it?
- It likes the fresh air.
-Also, it's not a thing.
-It is a leg.
You are leg-shaming me.
Be careful with that.
-No.
-Please be careful.
Do not press the black button.
I'm not ready to radiomy people yet.
- This black button?
- Asta.
- Say thank you.
- Thank you.
-Oh!
-Thank you.
You're welcome.
- Please do not move.
I'm going to work,and I'll be back later.
- If all goes as planned,
there won't be a "later."
Yes.
Later.
♪
Shit!
- I knew it.
Why are you ignoring my calls?
- Um, I'm sorry.
-I've just been so busy.
-Ooh.
- 'Cause last night,
you sent me inside to get help,
and when I came back out,
you and Harry were gone, so--
-- Yeah, uh, sorry.
-Harry was in bad shape.
And I realizedwe didn't have an MRI machine.
So I took him to the hospitalin Braddock.
What?
- I know you too well.
You're lying.
- I am not.
-
Yeah, you are.
You have a tell.
- Oh, really?
What's my tell?
- Well, I can't tell you
because then you'd know
what the tell is and you'd
hide the tell from me,
and I wouldn't be able to tell.
It's like--
- Wow, you ever thought
about working for the CIA?
- Yeah, actually,
I'm waiting to hear back.
- Hey, Asta.
The doctor had me call Braddock
to follow up on Harry's MRI.
But they have no record of it.
- That's a mistake.
So I'll take care of it.
Thank you.
♪
- Why is she staring
at you like that?
What did you do?
- Don't you have better things
to do, Ellen?
Maybe unpack the shipment
of catheters
that came in this morning?
- Oh, right.
The fun stuff.
- Got my eye
on you, Twelvetrees.
♪
- The power source is damaged.
Built to provide energy
for 5,000 years
but apparently
not built to withstand
an unprotected fall
into a crevasse.
Certain alien races implant
tiny transmitters
into human beings
to monitor their activity.
If I can find one of those,
I can reverse engineer it
to reboot my device.
- Aah!
Mmm.
Yeah.
- I heard you fell down
a crevasse.
Did you find your radio?
- My radio is broken.
I'm trying to fix it.
- Well, maybe I can help.
- Ah--
- Is this it?
- Don't touch that.
You need...
To leave.
- At least you're okay.
- If Asta wasn't there,
I would be dead.
Except now she knows
the truth about me.
- You told her?!
I thought this whole alien
thing was just our secret.
- It stopped being a secret
when you told
your little friend over there
in the head covering.
- She must have followed me.
Don't worry.
She's not gonna tell anyone.
She swore to Allah.
- Allah knows?!
How many people have you told?
- Are you trying to cut me out?
'Cause if it wasn't for me,
you'd be in Georgia by now.
I made this truce happen.
I want in.
- You are so pushy.
- Oh, looks like aliens
are also put off
by strong women.
Get used to it.
We're not going anywhere.
What are you hiding
under there?
- I covered it for a reason.
- It's his radio
so he can contact his people.
But it's broken.
So he's trying to fix it.
- Why can't you just go home
on your spaceship?
They took it, didn't they?
- How did you know that?
- Must be the government.
That means they're after you.
It could be
any of the agencies.
But it's probably
"Men in Black."
It's a top-secret agency
that monitors
alien activity on Earth.
- But they don't always
wear black,
and they're not only men.
- Then why do they call them
"Men in Black"?
- Because it's cooler
than calling them
"People in Clothes."
-
- It's pretty obvious.
- I'm not worried.
Once I fix my radio,
they won't be a problem.
I'm just missing a part.
- Have you tried
the hardware store?
They have everything.
My dad even bought
a pair of pajamas there.
- Unless you know someone
who has been in contact
with other aliens, then I'm--
what is the expression?
"Shit out of luck."
- If you don't stop using that
kind of language around us,
we're gonna have to wash
your mouth out with soap.
- Go ahead.
I like soap.
I eat it all the time.
Shit, ass, piss, dink.
Where is the soap?
I'm so hungry.
- Wait, I know where you can go
to find alien stuff.
- Oh.
- Hey!
Where are you going?
- I need to go pick up
a missing piece for my radio.
- No.
You are not driving
with one leg.
Whoa!
Your leg grew back.
- Just like I said it would.
Now I have got to go.
- Okay.
Even as a pretend doctor,
you have to know
that the medication
still stays in your system.
- I just took more.
I'll be fine.
Which one is my truck?
- Okay.
Give me these.
I will drive you.
Where are we going?
Wow.
We're really gonna do this.
♪
- Are they supposed to be me?
My people are not a costume.
- Welcome to my life.
Oh, this is gonna be fun.
- Kind of cool that I'm here
with an actual alien.
I feel special.
- You're not special.
You're common.
- That's oddly
less offensive now
that I know you're
from outer space.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
Okay.
So what now?
- Our ancestors had teachers.
The engineering knowledge came
from the extraterrestrials.
- Finally, a little credit.
I like
this high-haired gentleman.
- ♪ He's told us
not to blow it ♪
♪ 'Cause he knows
it's all worthwhile ♪
♪ He told me
let the children lose it ♪
- The Moon landing was a sham.
It was all filmed
on a soundstage by Kubrick.
- The astronauts did land
on the Moon.
- Good.
- And their bodies were taken
over before they returned.
- What?
- And we find evidence of this
all around the world.
- Mayans, everyone talks
about their calendar,
but they never gave credit
for their day planner.
- We have the Grays.
- Insidious assholes.
- The Arcturians.
- Jerks, so cheap.
- Little Green Men.
- They are cute,
but they so know it.
- The Mantis.
- One of them owes me money.
- And the Blue Avians.
- They're actually very nice.
♪
- Well, don't you two
look cozy?
- Hello, Sheriff.
Do you have anything
you want to say to me?
- Well, I don't know.
Do you have anything
you want to say to me?
- In that case, yes.
Have a good day.
Goodbye, Lewis.
I'll see you on Thursday.
- ♪ Walked out
on over the plains ♪
- Thursday.
What's Thursday?
- We're having lunch.
- She's sitting here
probably trash-talking me,
and you buying her lunch?
I see how it is.
- She didn't say anything.
In fact, she mostly listened.
You could use that.
- What is that
supposed to mean?
- Your relationship with Liv
reminds me of me and your mom
before she up and left me.
- You mean when she died?
- I'll never forgive her
for that.
Your mother was sharp.
She always challenged me.
When I messed up,
she wouldn't let me
off the hook
until I took steps to fix it.
You might want to think
about that one.
Order me a burger.
Be right back.
Oh.
- Hey, hey, hey.
Dad, Dad.
Hey, hey!
It's okay to ask for help.
- Look who's talking.
♪
- ♪ If you think
what you got is enough ♪
♪ Then God gonna
call your bluff ♪
♪ You got a long road ahead
♪ Longer than you think
♪ A long road ahead
- Sam's toxicology results
are in.
Botulinum Toxin A
levels are through the roof.
Sam was poisoned.
Maybe with insulin
as the method of delivery,
all he or she would need to do
is inject the toxin
into a single insulin vial
and wait for Sam to use it.
- ♪ Ooh
- Son of a bitch.
- ♪ Wake up in the morning
♪ Rise and shine
♪ Wake up in the morning,
rise and shine ♪
♪ Wake up in the morning,
rise and shine ♪
- Hey, Sheriff, have a seat.
I'll be with you in about ten.
- Yeah, well, I ain't here
on grooming business.
I'm here on official
sheriff's business.
I see you do Botox injections.
- Yeah.
You'll need about 20 units
for that furrowed brow.
- Well, I got news for you.
I like to furrow,
and I like the lines.
Abigail Hodges,
you're under the arrest
for the murder of Sam Hodges.
- What?!
What are you talking about?
- I'll tell you
what I'm talking about.
You see, I went through
your phone records,
and I found repeated calls,
and I mean a shit ton of them,
to one number.
You know who it belonged to?
Thomas Hoffman.
-
Okay, fine.
We are casually
seeing each other.
But are you gonna arrest me
for having a social life?
Can't a widow move on?
- Well, of course,
a widow can move on.
The only problem
is those calls--
they started way
before Sam died.
You see, I think you wanted
to get rid of Sam
'cause you was
having an affair.
That's motive.
- Oh, now just hang
on a second--
- All you needed was
high levels of botulism,
which you clearly
had access to.
Then you took that poison,
and you put it
in Sam's insulin bottle.
And then from there,
it was a ticking timebomb
just waiting to go off.
- No, just--
- And it finally did.
Turn around and put your hands
behind your back.
- Sheriff.
- Turn around.
You have the right
to remain silent.
Anything you say can
and will be used
against you in a court of law.
You got the right
to an attorney.
If you cannot afford
an attorney,
I'd be surprised because
this salon is bangin'.
- ♪ Ooh, ooh
- What is it you're looking for
at an alien experiencer panel?
- I'll know when I see it.
♪
- Thank you.
Hi, I'm Peter Bach.
Most of you know me
from my podcast
as "The Alien Tracker."
I have spent 15 years
working at
the Carl Sagan Center at SETI.
I've been
a government consultant.
And if you've read my books,
you'll know I possess
a special skill set
that makes aliens fear me.
And, of course,
I had my own encounter,
which was, well,
terrifying to say the least.
So it's my honest belief
that aliens walk amongst us.
And my mission has become
to find aliens,
to trap them,
and, well...
One shot of this...
10,000 volts,
I can knock out an elephant.
- You okay?
- Yes.
I'm not an elephant.
- I also found that talking
about my encounter
helped me feel
a sense of control.
And I'd like you to think
of this as a safe forum
where you can do the same.
So please, come on up
and share with the room
with no judgment,
so we can all hear
about your experiences.
- I was driving home
late one night
when this blue light
beamed through
the roof of my car.
- I woke with these
triangular cuts...
- I was paralyzed.
- And lesions on my stomach
and across my back.
- It was horrible.
- Um...
- It's etched on
my brain forever.
- They strapped me to
this cold,
hard metal surface.
- They're monsters.
- And...
- And they are here to kill us.
- Took this long tubular rod
and they put it in--
in my--
- He was going
to say his asshole.
- One night, a few months ago,
my ex-husband
and I were fighting,
which is sort of a usual
thing for us.
Um...
I finally decided
I'd had enough,
so I ran out,
but I wasn't sure
if I was doing the right thing.
And then I saw it.
It was a fire in the sky,
like a guiding light.
It gave me strength.
Strength to move on
and never look back.
♪
Months later,
I came into contact
with who I now know
was the occupant of that UFO.
Something about him
made me feel safe
and not alone.
And I know that that's not
what you all have experienced.
But trust me,
based on my encounter,
I don't think they're monsters.
I think some of them
are here to do good.
- Nope!
- Wow.
Abigail Hodges.
Who would have thought?
- Ha.
- Well, congratulations
on solving the case.
You must be happy.
- Yeah, well,
you know, a man died.
So there really isn't very much
to be happy about.
- Of course.
I just meant--
well, you did use up
a lot of resources
dragging the lake.
Like,
a tremendous amount actually
that I'm still trying
to justify to the town council.
Probably can't afford
to have Patience Family Day
this year on the town green.
But hey, you got
to the bottom it.
- Uh-huh.
- That's what's important.
- Yeah, that's right.
That's what's important.
Thank you.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Hello to you, Jay.
What can I get for you?
We have a happy hour special
on IPAs.
- Are you offering me a drink?
I'm not even 18 yet.
- I meant to offer you a juice
in an opaque mug.
- Well, actually,
I just came in to ask
if I could interview you
for the school paper.
Everyone in town
is talking about the rescue.
I'm so sick of people
making a big deal about this.
You don't have to put me
on a pedestal.
- It won't take long,
and I'm only doing it
for the extra credit.
- Oh, well, in that case.
- Thanks.
It's only a few questions.
- Ask away.
- All right.
So you were an Olympic skier.
What was it like to wipe out
and lose
in front of the whole world?
♪
- Not awesome.
- Would you consider yourself
a fallen hero
because you were a hero
and then you fell?
- Hmm.
Mmm.
Um, I don't know.
I thought this interview
was supposed to be
about the rescue thing.
- I'm establishing background.
- Cool.
- So what happened
to your hand?
- Fractured it.
First time
I fell down the crevasse.
- You fell down a crevasse?
- Yeah.
What did you think happened?
- I don't know.
I thought you were stuck
on top of the mountain.
You climbed out with your hand
looking like that?
- Well, yeah.
Kind of had to.
I was 30 feet down.
Asta and Harry
were down even further.
I knew any rescue effort
would have to wait
until the storm had passed,
at which point,
it would be too late
as we would have all gone
into hypothermia
and be dead.
- Asta could have died?
- Yeah.
She could have.
I mean, we all
could have died actually.
We're pretty lucky.
♪
- You know what, I, um,
I think I'll take that juice
in the opaque mug now.
- You bitch, I almost lost you.
- Ow--oh.
Oh, I'm okay.
- I just feel like--
you should probably, like,
buy me a drink or something
'cause I'm like--uh, my nerves
are like fried eggs.
- We're gonna do two sodas.
- One with vodka.
- When I woke up,
I had no idea where I was.
I mean, one minute,
I was in bed,
and the next minute,
I was lying in a ditch
by the side of the road.
And they put something in me.
Look.
I don't know why,
but they're following me.
They're listening.
Look, you can see it.
- Alien technology.
That's it.
♪
- Hey, honey.
- Honey.
- Why do I smell fish?
- Because I made branzino.
- Tonight's supposed to be
taco night.
Does that mean that tacos
are moving to tomorrow night?
Because that's--
that's spaghetti.
- Will you relax, just try to
get out of your comfort zone?
- Yeah, but--
- Max is at the movies
with Sahar.
So I invited a friend over
with her husband.
- I want you to meet them.
You're gonna love them.
- Yep.
Maybe we could
do fish tacos.
- This is my husband, Ben.
Ben, this is Sarah
and Richard Houston.
- Oh, come on.
We're friends.
You can call him Dick.
- Well, we're having fish.
- I want to thank you all
for coming and for sharing.
Come down and visit me.
We have a booth
on the con floor.
A lot of cool merchandise.
Thank you.
- Excuse me.
- Wait.
Harry, where are you going?
- Alien Tracker, hold up.
- Alien Tracker!
- Can I get an autograph?
- I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
- Yeah.
You're welcome.
♪
- Sorry.
It's my turn.
Do you mind?
- I'm going to cut that alien
technology out of your arm,
and then I'm going to leave.
- What the hell!
- Quiet.
- Aah, it's not alien!
It's a BB.
- What?
- A BB got lodged in my arm
when I was a kid.
Okay, I lied.
- What is wrong with you?
- You're the one
with the knife,
you freakin' psycho.
- Ugh!
- What the hell is going on?
What are you looking for?
And don't lie.
I think I deserve
at least that.
- When the Grays abduct
a human,
they leave alien technology
implanted on their body.
It is a transmitter.
It is a way for them
to track the victim.
I need to find one.
- Is that why we're here?
So you can rip an implant
out of some poor person's arm?
- It's for my radio.
The implant is made
of an alien metal.
I need it.
♪
The Alien Tracker
is after me.
He can see me like Max.
- I don't understand.
- The rest is self-explanatory.
His name is Alien Tracker.
- Maybe we should go then.
- Yes.
- It was, like--
I mean, he designed the whole
thing himself,
the whole thing.
He made it all on his own.
- Oh, I'm so sad.
I thought Max
was gonna be here tonight.
We're so looking forward
to meeting him.
Right, honey?
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I love kids.
We want them,
but the doctor said
Sarah's probably too old.
- I'm sorry.
I'm sure that
it will happen for you two.
- Meanwhile, enjoy the freedom
'cause kids are a lot.
- Mmm.
- That's why it's so nice
having some adult time.
Right, honey?
- Mmm.
Fun fact, more people died
choking on branzino bones
per year than heart disease.
♪
- Honey, could you help me
with dessert?
Sweetie, you haven't said
two words all night.
I'm pulling
all of the weight here.
- Well, I'm sorry.
I think not having tacos has
kind of thrown me off my game.
Look, I'm trying.
- You spent the last half hour
playing medical examiner
with your fish bones.
- Well, if it makes you
feel any better,
I swallowed most of them.
- Uh, it doesn't
make me feel better.
- Okay.
I feel terrible.
I really like Sarah and Dick.
And it's nice to have
couple friends who we can
have over for dinner.
Can you try?
- Okay.
Look, I'll be more sociable.
I'll talk to Dick
about candle making.
- Yeah, sure.
Or something else.
- What, you don't--what,
you don't like my candles?
- No, I mean, of course.
I... love them.
It's just--
it's not really exciting
dinner conversation.
- Hmm.
Not sure I want to live
in that world, but okay.
- Just leave the baby
talk to me, okay?
I'm the mother-to-be.
- Well, that's not what
the doctor said.
- Hey, listen, asshole,
just do your job.
Keep them engaged
so I can go on a little
reconnaissance mission.
I did an Internet deep dive
and found pictures of Ben
making these shitty candles.
Ask him about it.
- Hope everyone's
in the mood for pie.
- Oh.
- Can't wait.
May I use
your powder room first?
- Of course.
- I have to say,
these are really,
really nice candles.
What are they made of?
Soy?
- Well, actually,
there are--yeah,
there are several
different kinds of, um--
not sure.
I don't know.
Just a regular
store-bought candle.
♪
- Mmm.
- Okay, um, keep moving.
I got this.
Oh, my God.
You're the Alien Tracker.
I have listened to
every episode of your podcast.
I was wondering if maybe
I could get a selfie with you?
- And this crazy dude came in
and tried
to stab me with a scalpel.
Why are you just staring at me?
Are you gonna help me?
Can we just go look for him?
- I'm not crazy.
- Hmm, hmm, hmm.
- Hey, can I help you?
- I need to hide.
Can you leave?
- What are you hiding from?
- The Alien Tracker.
He's chasing me.
He thinks I'm an alien.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Um...
He's a crazy guy.
- Well, I have no problem
hiding aliens.
- Wait a minute.
You are that hair guy,
the one who knows
all about ancient monuments.
- Yeah, that's me.
Would you like a signed copy?
- I would rather have
flower-shaped fruit.
♪
- Hey, what are you
doing up here?
- I know.
I'm such a snoop, right?
I just love
your decorating style.
I had to see what the rest
of the house looked like.
- You could have asked
for a tour.
♪
- I'll be honest with you.
This whole
"not being able
to have kids" thing
is really hard.
And I just wanted
to see your son's room.
- Oh.
I'm sorry.
- Yeah.
- Just don't give up.
Women are having babies
older and older now.
You just never know.
- I'm actually not the problem.
Dick only said that because
he's so self-conscious.
But he has very low motility.
- Look, if you want to get
a taste for it,
you can babysit
Max whenever you want.
- Oh, I would love that.
I'll take such
good care of him.
- What's interesting is that
the masonry style
of Delphi, Cuzco,
or Sacsayhuamán
are virtually identical,
and they're considered
"navels of the world"
where deities
descended from the sky
and imparted knowledge
to the local population.
So those places
are on two opposite ends
of the planet,
and they have the same stories.
So you have to wonder
if these people
had been visited
by the same beings.
And if so, then you have
to ask the question,
"Who were they?
And where did they come from?"
- You should be on television.
- Okay.
- I have to go.
- I hope I didn't bore you.
- No.
You're out of fruit flowers.
I left you the honeydew melon.
They taste
like old women's perfume.
♪
- Kate doesn't love
the whole candle thing?
- I accidentally spilled
some wax on her head once.
She lost some hair.
- Yeah.
- What are you gonna do?
- Yeah, I get it.
You know,
Sarah can get pretty particular
about the things I do too.
- Mm-hmm.
- So yeah.
Very passionate,
very passionate ladies.
- Oh, that's--
that's one word for it.
- Want to fire it up?
Show you how it's done.
- Yes, yes.
- You sure?
- Please, yeah, yeah, oh.
- Oh.
- Oh!
- Oh.
- Okay.
I just find it pretty relaxing.
- Yeah.
- Helps me cope with
the pressures of being mayor,
especially after
the town doctor was murdered.
- That's horrible.
- Yeah, yeah.
We did just make
an arrest though.
And it was the first murder
in Patience
since, like, the 1800s.
I've always wanted
to say, you know,
"Not on my watch, buddy."
But yeah, it was--
it was on my watch.
Think I might have been across
the street when it happened.
♪
- Uh...
- Do you like pumpkin spice?
♪
- Mmm.
That was close.
It's like everybody
is talking about me
like I'm some big hero...
- ♪ Close to you
- Except for the two people
whose lives I actually saved
that incidentally are both
completely ignoring me.
- ♪ Close to you
- You know, I should be hanging
out with my friend right now.
- Bitch, I'm your friend.
We're closer than you and Asta.
We shared a boyfriend
in high school.
- You mean the guy that you
slept with behind my back?
- I grabbed his dick,
and he was into it.
So what am I supposed to do,
say no?
- Oh, yeah.
Fair point.
- It just, like, bothers me
I can't get ahold of them.
I've been texting all day.
I don't know, maybe something
happened to her.
Maybe they're not okay.
I don't know.
It's kind of freaking me out.
- Yeah, probably something bad
did happen to her.
I don't know.
She probably got kidnapped
or something
or, like, people are after her
and, like, she's in the back
of a car, like, in a trunk,
like, screaming
and, like, pounding
and, like--
or she could be dead.
She could be dead
in a ditch somewhere, like,
covered in blood
and, like, intestines are,
like, trailing out--
- Is this supposed to
help me feel better?
- Okay.
So we're gonna switch gears
over to karaoke.
First up, we have our own Liv
Baker singing a song for us.
Come on.
♪
- ♪ Oh, whoa
♪ It must have
been cold there ♪
♪ In my shadow
♪ To never have sunlight
♪ On your face
♪ You were content
to let me shine ♪
♪ That's your way
♪ You always walked
a step behind ♪
- ♪ So I was the one
with all the glory ♪
- What the hell is happening?
- ♪ While you were the one
♪ With all the strength
- ♪ A beautiful face
without a name ♪
♪ For so long
♪ A beautiful smile
that hides the pain ♪
- ♪ Did you ever know
♪ That you're my hero
♪ And everything
I would like to be? ♪
♪ I can fly higher
♪ Than an eagle
♪ You are the wind
beneath my wings ♪
- Okay.
Guess I'm deputy again.
♪
- Oh, shit.
I first learned the concept
of two for one
when there was a sale on day
old baguettes at the market.
But having this Alien Tracker
in my grips
and discovering he was
implanted with the very chip
I need is even more exciting
than getting an extra
two-foot-long crouton.
Don't move.
I'm taking that alien
technology out of your neck.
- No, wait.
Where is my baby?
- What baby?
- The one you
took out of my wife
30 years ago on the bus.
- We don't do that.
That's the Greys.
- You're a Grey.
- How dare you!
- Please don't take it out.
It's the only way they can
find me if they come back.
It's the only way
I'll ever meet my son.
- They're not coming back
for you.
They already got
what they wanted.
- I recognize you.
You were in
that Experiencer Panel.
- Mmm, yeah.
- I heard what you said
up there.
It was very touching.
But you should be careful.
- What do you mean?
- For all you know,
your alien is a Christopher
Columbus of the sky.
♪
♪
- Let's go.
I got what I needed.
- Well, that makes me nervous.
- Don't worry.
I didn't hurt him.
He was on his knees,
thanking me.
- You're a monster.
- You're welcome.
- There are no monsters.
Beings do what needs to be
done in order to survive.
- Asta!
- ♪ No bye, no aloha
- Are you in there?!
♪
- ♪ Gone with
a rock promoter ♪
♪
♪ A rock promoter
- Aah!
Ow, shit!
- ♪ And now may die
♪ Oh, the treats
♪ Saw it on the wall
♪ "Motherhood means
mental freeze" ♪
♪ Freezeheads
♪ No aloha
♪ I know, I saw
♪ And now may die
♪
ON "Resident Alien"...
I think this alien's here
to kill everybody.
- You will help me
find my device.
- That's on the glacier.
You can't go there.
Harry, don't go!
It's too dangerous.
- Not for me.
- Harry!
- You have kids?
- We have a little boy
named Max.
- Max.
- You should take my number.
Call anytime.
- When I find my device,
I can finally kill them all.
- Harry!
Don't move.
I am what your people
call an extraterrestrial.
- Oh.
- An alien.
- Oh, I feel nauseous.
- You earn respect
through your actions, Deputy.
Did you make
your own murder board?
- Toxicology results.
Sam was poisoned.
You don't respect me,
and you never have.
I quit!
- I'm not quitting.
I'm gonna get us out of here.
Tell me how to help you.
- My leg.
I will die
if you don't chop it off.
- Okay, look at me.
I won't let you die.
- Aah!
Do my feet look
like watermelons?
'Cause they feel like it.
- The sexiest watermelons
I've ever seen.
- Still so much to do before"Jack" or "Joanie" comes.
We need crib sheets
and burp cloths.
- Couples massage.
-
So where do we stand
on baby food?
Jarred or homemade?
- I don't know.
I read somewhere homemade
doesn't keep as well.
A little too lumpy.
Plus, I've tried
baby applesauce,
and it's freakin' delicious.
- What's happening?
♪
- I don't know.
Oh, my God.
Honey!
Oh.
Honey, the baby.
- Uh, uh...
- Okay.
♪
- You saw that, right?
♪
- I'm dead.
But if I'm dead, why do
I feel so warm and squishy
like I'm being hugged
by a cloud?
Oh, no.
This must be the afterlife.
I'm in human heaven.
It makes me want
to kill myself.
- I see the morphine
is still working.
- What are you doing here?
Why does the afterlife
look like a crappy cabin?
Are you dead too?
- I didn't want
to leave you alone
after what you'd been through.
Come on.
You need to eat just so you
can get your strength back.
Mmm.
- Now I know why you have 17
gallons of milk in your fridge.
Okay, I need to change
your dressing.
Um, I think we should,
you know,
try to avoid suspicion.
So I started looking into
getting you a prosthetic.
I know--what the freakin' hell
is that?
- That is my leg.
It's regenerating.
- How is that even possible?
- My people are descendants
of octopuses.
Soon it will grow longer,
and then I will transformthe molecules into human shape.
- So you're telling me
eventually that thing
will look like that one?
- Yes.
Except for the moleand the hangnail.
I chewed my toenaildown too low.
You can go now.
- Excuse me?
I stayed up all night.
I got supplies.
I dressed your wounds.
I cleaned you up,
and this is how you thank me?
- I didn't ask you to stay.
- Well, I did
'cause that's what humans do.
They take care of one another.
You know, when some--I'm sorry,
I can't take you seriously
with that thing.
-- What is wrong with it?
-It's perfectly normal.
- Jesus, can you just
put a sock on it?
- It likes the fresh air.
-Also, it's not a thing.
-It is a leg.
You are leg-shaming me.
Be careful with that.
-No.
-Please be careful.
Do not press the black button.
I'm not ready to radiomy people yet.
- This black button?
- Asta.
- Say thank you.
- Thank you.
-Oh!
-Thank you.
You're welcome.
- Please do not move.
I'm going to work,and I'll be back later.
- If all goes as planned,
there won't be a "later."
Yes.
Later.
♪
Shit!
- I knew it.
Why are you ignoring my calls?
- Um, I'm sorry.
-I've just been so busy.
-Ooh.
- 'Cause last night,
you sent me inside to get help,
and when I came back out,
you and Harry were gone, so--
-- Yeah, uh, sorry.
-Harry was in bad shape.
And I realizedwe didn't have an MRI machine.
So I took him to the hospitalin Braddock.
What?
- I know you too well.
You're lying.
- I am not.
-
Yeah, you are.
You have a tell.
- Oh, really?
What's my tell?
- Well, I can't tell you
because then you'd know
what the tell is and you'd
hide the tell from me,
and I wouldn't be able to tell.
It's like--
- Wow, you ever thought
about working for the CIA?
- Yeah, actually,
I'm waiting to hear back.
- Hey, Asta.
The doctor had me call Braddock
to follow up on Harry's MRI.
But they have no record of it.
- That's a mistake.
So I'll take care of it.
Thank you.
♪
- Why is she staring
at you like that?
What did you do?
- Don't you have better things
to do, Ellen?
Maybe unpack the shipment
of catheters
that came in this morning?
- Oh, right.
The fun stuff.
- Got my eye
on you, Twelvetrees.
♪
- The power source is damaged.
Built to provide energy
for 5,000 years
but apparently
not built to withstand
an unprotected fall
into a crevasse.
Certain alien races implant
tiny transmitters
into human beings
to monitor their activity.
If I can find one of those,
I can reverse engineer it
to reboot my device.
- Aah!
Mmm.
Yeah.
- I heard you fell down
a crevasse.
Did you find your radio?
- My radio is broken.
I'm trying to fix it.
- Well, maybe I can help.
- Ah--
- Is this it?
- Don't touch that.
You need...
To leave.
- At least you're okay.
- If Asta wasn't there,
I would be dead.
Except now she knows
the truth about me.
- You told her?!
I thought this whole alien
thing was just our secret.
- It stopped being a secret
when you told
your little friend over there
in the head covering.
- She must have followed me.
Don't worry.
She's not gonna tell anyone.
She swore to Allah.
- Allah knows?!
How many people have you told?
- Are you trying to cut me out?
'Cause if it wasn't for me,
you'd be in Georgia by now.
I made this truce happen.
I want in.
- You are so pushy.
- Oh, looks like aliens
are also put off
by strong women.
Get used to it.
We're not going anywhere.
What are you hiding
under there?
- I covered it for a reason.
- It's his radio
so he can contact his people.
But it's broken.
So he's trying to fix it.
- Why can't you just go home
on your spaceship?
They took it, didn't they?
- How did you know that?
- Must be the government.
That means they're after you.
It could be
any of the agencies.
But it's probably
"Men in Black."
It's a top-secret agency
that monitors
alien activity on Earth.
- But they don't always
wear black,
and they're not only men.
- Then why do they call them
"Men in Black"?
- Because it's cooler
than calling them
"People in Clothes."
-
- It's pretty obvious.
- I'm not worried.
Once I fix my radio,
they won't be a problem.
I'm just missing a part.
- Have you tried
the hardware store?
They have everything.
My dad even bought
a pair of pajamas there.
- Unless you know someone
who has been in contact
with other aliens, then I'm--
what is the expression?
"Shit out of luck."
- If you don't stop using that
kind of language around us,
we're gonna have to wash
your mouth out with soap.
- Go ahead.
I like soap.
I eat it all the time.
Shit, ass, piss, dink.
Where is the soap?
I'm so hungry.
- Wait, I know where you can go
to find alien stuff.
- Oh.
- Hey!
Where are you going?
- I need to go pick up
a missing piece for my radio.
- No.
You are not driving
with one leg.
Whoa!
Your leg grew back.
- Just like I said it would.
Now I have got to go.
- Okay.
Even as a pretend doctor,
you have to know
that the medication
still stays in your system.
- I just took more.
I'll be fine.
Which one is my truck?
- Okay.
Give me these.
I will drive you.
Where are we going?
Wow.
We're really gonna do this.
♪
- Are they supposed to be me?
My people are not a costume.
- Welcome to my life.
Oh, this is gonna be fun.
- Kind of cool that I'm here
with an actual alien.
I feel special.
- You're not special.
You're common.
- That's oddly
less offensive now
that I know you're
from outer space.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
Okay.
So what now?
- Our ancestors had teachers.
The engineering knowledge came
from the extraterrestrials.
- Finally, a little credit.
I like
this high-haired gentleman.
- ♪ He's told us
not to blow it ♪
♪ 'Cause he knows
it's all worthwhile ♪
♪ He told me
let the children lose it ♪
- The Moon landing was a sham.
It was all filmed
on a soundstage by Kubrick.
- The astronauts did land
on the Moon.
- Good.
- And their bodies were taken
over before they returned.
- What?
- And we find evidence of this
all around the world.
- Mayans, everyone talks
about their calendar,
but they never gave credit
for their day planner.
- We have the Grays.
- Insidious assholes.
- The Arcturians.
- Jerks, so cheap.
- Little Green Men.
- They are cute,
but they so know it.
- The Mantis.
- One of them owes me money.
- And the Blue Avians.
- They're actually very nice.
♪
- Well, don't you two
look cozy?
- Hello, Sheriff.
Do you have anything
you want to say to me?
- Well, I don't know.
Do you have anything
you want to say to me?
- In that case, yes.
Have a good day.
Goodbye, Lewis.
I'll see you on Thursday.
- ♪ Walked out
on over the plains ♪
- Thursday.
What's Thursday?
- We're having lunch.
- She's sitting here
probably trash-talking me,
and you buying her lunch?
I see how it is.
- She didn't say anything.
In fact, she mostly listened.
You could use that.
- What is that
supposed to mean?
- Your relationship with Liv
reminds me of me and your mom
before she up and left me.
- You mean when she died?
- I'll never forgive her
for that.
Your mother was sharp.
She always challenged me.
When I messed up,
she wouldn't let me
off the hook
until I took steps to fix it.
You might want to think
about that one.
Order me a burger.
Be right back.
Oh.
- Hey, hey, hey.
Dad, Dad.
Hey, hey!
It's okay to ask for help.
- Look who's talking.
♪
- ♪ If you think
what you got is enough ♪
♪ Then God gonna
call your bluff ♪
♪ You got a long road ahead
♪ Longer than you think
♪ A long road ahead
- Sam's toxicology results
are in.
Botulinum Toxin A
levels are through the roof.
Sam was poisoned.
Maybe with insulin
as the method of delivery,
all he or she would need to do
is inject the toxin
into a single insulin vial
and wait for Sam to use it.
- ♪ Ooh
- Son of a bitch.
- ♪ Wake up in the morning
♪ Rise and shine
♪ Wake up in the morning,
rise and shine ♪
♪ Wake up in the morning,
rise and shine ♪
- Hey, Sheriff, have a seat.
I'll be with you in about ten.
- Yeah, well, I ain't here
on grooming business.
I'm here on official
sheriff's business.
I see you do Botox injections.
- Yeah.
You'll need about 20 units
for that furrowed brow.
- Well, I got news for you.
I like to furrow,
and I like the lines.
Abigail Hodges,
you're under the arrest
for the murder of Sam Hodges.
- What?!
What are you talking about?
- I'll tell you
what I'm talking about.
You see, I went through
your phone records,
and I found repeated calls,
and I mean a shit ton of them,
to one number.
You know who it belonged to?
Thomas Hoffman.
-
Okay, fine.
We are casually
seeing each other.
But are you gonna arrest me
for having a social life?
Can't a widow move on?
- Well, of course,
a widow can move on.
The only problem
is those calls--
they started way
before Sam died.
You see, I think you wanted
to get rid of Sam
'cause you was
having an affair.
That's motive.
- Oh, now just hang
on a second--
- All you needed was
high levels of botulism,
which you clearly
had access to.
Then you took that poison,
and you put it
in Sam's insulin bottle.
And then from there,
it was a ticking timebomb
just waiting to go off.
- No, just--
- And it finally did.
Turn around and put your hands
behind your back.
- Sheriff.
- Turn around.
You have the right
to remain silent.
Anything you say can
and will be used
against you in a court of law.
You got the right
to an attorney.
If you cannot afford
an attorney,
I'd be surprised because
this salon is bangin'.
- ♪ Ooh, ooh
- What is it you're looking for
at an alien experiencer panel?
- I'll know when I see it.
♪
- Thank you.
Hi, I'm Peter Bach.
Most of you know me
from my podcast
as "The Alien Tracker."
I have spent 15 years
working at
the Carl Sagan Center at SETI.
I've been
a government consultant.
And if you've read my books,
you'll know I possess
a special skill set
that makes aliens fear me.
And, of course,
I had my own encounter,
which was, well,
terrifying to say the least.
So it's my honest belief
that aliens walk amongst us.
And my mission has become
to find aliens,
to trap them,
and, well...
One shot of this...
10,000 volts,
I can knock out an elephant.
- You okay?
- Yes.
I'm not an elephant.
- I also found that talking
about my encounter
helped me feel
a sense of control.
And I'd like you to think
of this as a safe forum
where you can do the same.
So please, come on up
and share with the room
with no judgment,
so we can all hear
about your experiences.
- I was driving home
late one night
when this blue light
beamed through
the roof of my car.
- I woke with these
triangular cuts...
- I was paralyzed.
- And lesions on my stomach
and across my back.
- It was horrible.
- Um...
- It's etched on
my brain forever.
- They strapped me to
this cold,
hard metal surface.
- They're monsters.
- And...
- And they are here to kill us.
- Took this long tubular rod
and they put it in--
in my--
- He was going
to say his asshole.
- One night, a few months ago,
my ex-husband
and I were fighting,
which is sort of a usual
thing for us.
Um...
I finally decided
I'd had enough,
so I ran out,
but I wasn't sure
if I was doing the right thing.
And then I saw it.
It was a fire in the sky,
like a guiding light.
It gave me strength.
Strength to move on
and never look back.
♪
Months later,
I came into contact
with who I now know
was the occupant of that UFO.
Something about him
made me feel safe
and not alone.
And I know that that's not
what you all have experienced.
But trust me,
based on my encounter,
I don't think they're monsters.
I think some of them
are here to do good.
- Nope!
- Wow.
Abigail Hodges.
Who would have thought?
- Ha.
- Well, congratulations
on solving the case.
You must be happy.
- Yeah, well,
you know, a man died.
So there really isn't very much
to be happy about.
- Of course.
I just meant--
well, you did use up
a lot of resources
dragging the lake.
Like,
a tremendous amount actually
that I'm still trying
to justify to the town council.
Probably can't afford
to have Patience Family Day
this year on the town green.
But hey, you got
to the bottom it.
- Uh-huh.
- That's what's important.
- Yeah, that's right.
That's what's important.
Thank you.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Hello to you, Jay.
What can I get for you?
We have a happy hour special
on IPAs.
- Are you offering me a drink?
I'm not even 18 yet.
- I meant to offer you a juice
in an opaque mug.
- Well, actually,
I just came in to ask
if I could interview you
for the school paper.
Everyone in town
is talking about the rescue.
I'm so sick of people
making a big deal about this.
You don't have to put me
on a pedestal.
- It won't take long,
and I'm only doing it
for the extra credit.
- Oh, well, in that case.
- Thanks.
It's only a few questions.
- Ask away.
- All right.
So you were an Olympic skier.
What was it like to wipe out
and lose
in front of the whole world?
♪
- Not awesome.
- Would you consider yourself
a fallen hero
because you were a hero
and then you fell?
- Hmm.
Mmm.
Um, I don't know.
I thought this interview
was supposed to be
about the rescue thing.
- I'm establishing background.
- Cool.
- So what happened
to your hand?
- Fractured it.
First time
I fell down the crevasse.
- You fell down a crevasse?
- Yeah.
What did you think happened?
- I don't know.
I thought you were stuck
on top of the mountain.
You climbed out with your hand
looking like that?
- Well, yeah.
Kind of had to.
I was 30 feet down.
Asta and Harry
were down even further.
I knew any rescue effort
would have to wait
until the storm had passed,
at which point,
it would be too late
as we would have all gone
into hypothermia
and be dead.
- Asta could have died?
- Yeah.
She could have.
I mean, we all
could have died actually.
We're pretty lucky.
♪
- You know what, I, um,
I think I'll take that juice
in the opaque mug now.
- You bitch, I almost lost you.
- Ow--oh.
Oh, I'm okay.
- I just feel like--
you should probably, like,
buy me a drink or something
'cause I'm like--uh, my nerves
are like fried eggs.
- We're gonna do two sodas.
- One with vodka.
- When I woke up,
I had no idea where I was.
I mean, one minute,
I was in bed,
and the next minute,
I was lying in a ditch
by the side of the road.
And they put something in me.
Look.
I don't know why,
but they're following me.
They're listening.
Look, you can see it.
- Alien technology.
That's it.
♪
- Hey, honey.
- Honey.
- Why do I smell fish?
- Because I made branzino.
- Tonight's supposed to be
taco night.
Does that mean that tacos
are moving to tomorrow night?
Because that's--
that's spaghetti.
- Will you relax, just try to
get out of your comfort zone?
- Yeah, but--
- Max is at the movies
with Sahar.
So I invited a friend over
with her husband.
- I want you to meet them.
You're gonna love them.
- Yep.
Maybe we could
do fish tacos.
- This is my husband, Ben.
Ben, this is Sarah
and Richard Houston.
- Oh, come on.
We're friends.
You can call him Dick.
- Well, we're having fish.
- I want to thank you all
for coming and for sharing.
Come down and visit me.
We have a booth
on the con floor.
A lot of cool merchandise.
Thank you.
- Excuse me.
- Wait.
Harry, where are you going?
- Alien Tracker, hold up.
- Alien Tracker!
- Can I get an autograph?
- I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
- Yeah.
You're welcome.
♪
- Sorry.
It's my turn.
Do you mind?
- I'm going to cut that alien
technology out of your arm,
and then I'm going to leave.
- What the hell!
- Quiet.
- Aah, it's not alien!
It's a BB.
- What?
- A BB got lodged in my arm
when I was a kid.
Okay, I lied.
- What is wrong with you?
- You're the one
with the knife,
you freakin' psycho.
- Ugh!
- What the hell is going on?
What are you looking for?
And don't lie.
I think I deserve
at least that.
- When the Grays abduct
a human,
they leave alien technology
implanted on their body.
It is a transmitter.
It is a way for them
to track the victim.
I need to find one.
- Is that why we're here?
So you can rip an implant
out of some poor person's arm?
- It's for my radio.
The implant is made
of an alien metal.
I need it.
♪
The Alien Tracker
is after me.
He can see me like Max.
- I don't understand.
- The rest is self-explanatory.
His name is Alien Tracker.
- Maybe we should go then.
- Yes.
- It was, like--
I mean, he designed the whole
thing himself,
the whole thing.
He made it all on his own.
- Oh, I'm so sad.
I thought Max
was gonna be here tonight.
We're so looking forward
to meeting him.
Right, honey?
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I love kids.
We want them,
but the doctor said
Sarah's probably too old.
- I'm sorry.
I'm sure that
it will happen for you two.
- Meanwhile, enjoy the freedom
'cause kids are a lot.
- Mmm.
- That's why it's so nice
having some adult time.
Right, honey?
- Mmm.
Fun fact, more people died
choking on branzino bones
per year than heart disease.
♪
- Honey, could you help me
with dessert?
Sweetie, you haven't said
two words all night.
I'm pulling
all of the weight here.
- Well, I'm sorry.
I think not having tacos has
kind of thrown me off my game.
Look, I'm trying.
- You spent the last half hour
playing medical examiner
with your fish bones.
- Well, if it makes you
feel any better,
I swallowed most of them.
- Uh, it doesn't
make me feel better.
- Okay.
I feel terrible.
I really like Sarah and Dick.
And it's nice to have
couple friends who we can
have over for dinner.
Can you try?
- Okay.
Look, I'll be more sociable.
I'll talk to Dick
about candle making.
- Yeah, sure.
Or something else.
- What, you don't--what,
you don't like my candles?
- No, I mean, of course.
I... love them.
It's just--
it's not really exciting
dinner conversation.
- Hmm.
Not sure I want to live
in that world, but okay.
- Just leave the baby
talk to me, okay?
I'm the mother-to-be.
- Well, that's not what
the doctor said.
- Hey, listen, asshole,
just do your job.
Keep them engaged
so I can go on a little
reconnaissance mission.
I did an Internet deep dive
and found pictures of Ben
making these shitty candles.
Ask him about it.
- Hope everyone's
in the mood for pie.
- Oh.
- Can't wait.
May I use
your powder room first?
- Of course.
- I have to say,
these are really,
really nice candles.
What are they made of?
Soy?
- Well, actually,
there are--yeah,
there are several
different kinds of, um--
not sure.
I don't know.
Just a regular
store-bought candle.
♪
- Mmm.
- Okay, um, keep moving.
I got this.
Oh, my God.
You're the Alien Tracker.
I have listened to
every episode of your podcast.
I was wondering if maybe
I could get a selfie with you?
- And this crazy dude came in
and tried
to stab me with a scalpel.
Why are you just staring at me?
Are you gonna help me?
Can we just go look for him?
- I'm not crazy.
- Hmm, hmm, hmm.
- Hey, can I help you?
- I need to hide.
Can you leave?
- What are you hiding from?
- The Alien Tracker.
He's chasing me.
He thinks I'm an alien.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Um...
He's a crazy guy.
- Well, I have no problem
hiding aliens.
- Wait a minute.
You are that hair guy,
the one who knows
all about ancient monuments.
- Yeah, that's me.
Would you like a signed copy?
- I would rather have
flower-shaped fruit.
♪
- Hey, what are you
doing up here?
- I know.
I'm such a snoop, right?
I just love
your decorating style.
I had to see what the rest
of the house looked like.
- You could have asked
for a tour.
♪
- I'll be honest with you.
This whole
"not being able
to have kids" thing
is really hard.
And I just wanted
to see your son's room.
- Oh.
I'm sorry.
- Yeah.
- Just don't give up.
Women are having babies
older and older now.
You just never know.
- I'm actually not the problem.
Dick only said that because
he's so self-conscious.
But he has very low motility.
- Look, if you want to get
a taste for it,
you can babysit
Max whenever you want.
- Oh, I would love that.
I'll take such
good care of him.
- What's interesting is that
the masonry style
of Delphi, Cuzco,
or Sacsayhuamán
are virtually identical,
and they're considered
"navels of the world"
where deities
descended from the sky
and imparted knowledge
to the local population.
So those places
are on two opposite ends
of the planet,
and they have the same stories.
So you have to wonder
if these people
had been visited
by the same beings.
And if so, then you have
to ask the question,
"Who were they?
And where did they come from?"
- You should be on television.
- Okay.
- I have to go.
- I hope I didn't bore you.
- No.
You're out of fruit flowers.
I left you the honeydew melon.
They taste
like old women's perfume.
♪
- Kate doesn't love
the whole candle thing?
- I accidentally spilled
some wax on her head once.
She lost some hair.
- Yeah.
- What are you gonna do?
- Yeah, I get it.
You know,
Sarah can get pretty particular
about the things I do too.
- Mm-hmm.
- So yeah.
Very passionate,
very passionate ladies.
- Oh, that's--
that's one word for it.
- Want to fire it up?
Show you how it's done.
- Yes, yes.
- You sure?
- Please, yeah, yeah, oh.
- Oh.
- Oh!
- Oh.
- Okay.
I just find it pretty relaxing.
- Yeah.
- Helps me cope with
the pressures of being mayor,
especially after
the town doctor was murdered.
- That's horrible.
- Yeah, yeah.
We did just make
an arrest though.
And it was the first murder
in Patience
since, like, the 1800s.
I've always wanted
to say, you know,
"Not on my watch, buddy."
But yeah, it was--
it was on my watch.
Think I might have been across
the street when it happened.
♪
- Uh...
- Do you like pumpkin spice?
♪
- Mmm.
That was close.
It's like everybody
is talking about me
like I'm some big hero...
- ♪ Close to you
- Except for the two people
whose lives I actually saved
that incidentally are both
completely ignoring me.
- ♪ Close to you
- You know, I should be hanging
out with my friend right now.
- Bitch, I'm your friend.
We're closer than you and Asta.
We shared a boyfriend
in high school.
- You mean the guy that you
slept with behind my back?
- I grabbed his dick,
and he was into it.
So what am I supposed to do,
say no?
- Oh, yeah.
Fair point.
- It just, like, bothers me
I can't get ahold of them.
I've been texting all day.
I don't know, maybe something
happened to her.
Maybe they're not okay.
I don't know.
It's kind of freaking me out.
- Yeah, probably something bad
did happen to her.
I don't know.
She probably got kidnapped
or something
or, like, people are after her
and, like, she's in the back
of a car, like, in a trunk,
like, screaming
and, like, pounding
and, like--
or she could be dead.
She could be dead
in a ditch somewhere, like,
covered in blood
and, like, intestines are,
like, trailing out--
- Is this supposed to
help me feel better?
- Okay.
So we're gonna switch gears
over to karaoke.
First up, we have our own Liv
Baker singing a song for us.
Come on.
♪
- ♪ Oh, whoa
♪ It must have
been cold there ♪
♪ In my shadow
♪ To never have sunlight
♪ On your face
♪ You were content
to let me shine ♪
♪ That's your way
♪ You always walked
a step behind ♪
- ♪ So I was the one
with all the glory ♪
- What the hell is happening?
- ♪ While you were the one
♪ With all the strength
- ♪ A beautiful face
without a name ♪
♪ For so long
♪ A beautiful smile
that hides the pain ♪
- ♪ Did you ever know
♪ That you're my hero
♪ And everything
I would like to be? ♪
♪ I can fly higher
♪ Than an eagle
♪ You are the wind
beneath my wings ♪
- Okay.
Guess I'm deputy again.
♪
- Oh, shit.
I first learned the concept
of two for one
when there was a sale on day
old baguettes at the market.
But having this Alien Tracker
in my grips
and discovering he was
implanted with the very chip
I need is even more exciting
than getting an extra
two-foot-long crouton.
Don't move.
I'm taking that alien
technology out of your neck.
- No, wait.
Where is my baby?
- What baby?
- The one you
took out of my wife
30 years ago on the bus.
- We don't do that.
That's the Greys.
- You're a Grey.
- How dare you!
- Please don't take it out.
It's the only way they can
find me if they come back.
It's the only way
I'll ever meet my son.
- They're not coming back
for you.
They already got
what they wanted.
- I recognize you.
You were in
that Experiencer Panel.
- Mmm, yeah.
- I heard what you said
up there.
It was very touching.
But you should be careful.
- What do you mean?
- For all you know,
your alien is a Christopher
Columbus of the sky.
♪
♪
- Let's go.
I got what I needed.
- Well, that makes me nervous.
- Don't worry.
I didn't hurt him.
He was on his knees,
thanking me.
- You're a monster.
- You're welcome.
- There are no monsters.
Beings do what needs to be
done in order to survive.
- Asta!
- ♪ No bye, no aloha
- Are you in there?!
♪
- ♪ Gone with
a rock promoter ♪
♪
♪ A rock promoter
- Aah!
Ow, shit!
- ♪ And now may die
♪ Oh, the treats
♪ Saw it on the wall
♪ "Motherhood means
mental freeze" ♪
♪ Freezeheads
♪ No aloha
♪ I know, I saw
♪ And now may die
♪