Reno 911! (2003–2009): Season 7, Episode 8 - Weekend at Bernie - full transcript

The department serves secret service duty at a local rally. Meanwhile, Declan and Jones apprehend a sex worker.

The squirrels in the ducts
are still there.

- I hear 'em.

- I feel like they're staring to...

You know, the one with the... I feel...

No one thinks that it sounds
a little bit like,

a tiny bit like they're singing?

At all?

They're not words but, you know...

- It's... Yeah, I know what you mean.
- They're not singing. I'm not crazy.

- What do you hear them singing, Jim?

- I don't... See.
I knew you're gonna be...



Everybody's gonna be dicks.

I don't think the squirrels in the ducts
are singing "words."

They're not...
They're not Marvin Hamlisch.

- Maybe, just maybe...
you need to take a break.

You've been here for a long, damn time
and maybe you need to just take a break.

- There's a spa outside of Primm...

- Yeah.
- ...that's very nice.

- Are you guys doing Of Mice and Men

where you lead me out to Primm
and then you shoot me in the head?

- No!
- No!

- God damn it.
- You can Google it.

- There's a very nice kind of a...
- Yeah.

- ...like a spa thing...

- Why is everybody so excited
for me to go to Primm?



- What's going on?
- We're not excited.

- We're worried about you.
- We just think you need a break.

You just said that the squirrels
were singing.

- Not words! They're not making words!

I didn't say they were making words!

- Jim, go to Primm.

- Yeah, yeah, I'll go to Primm.
- I think we all could use a break.

- I'll go to Primm.

- I hear 'em singing.
- See?

- Hey! I'm in a limo... sort of car.

Hi! - Hey!

- Just twerking in a limo.

Twerking in a limo.
- Don't hate.

- Don't hate.
- Don't hate.

That's not safe, Jim.

Do I have taffy in my teeth?

- Yes.
- Oh, my God.

- Quite a bit. I can't...
- Well, get it.

- Guys, guys, guys.

- Cut that shit out.
You want a bullet in my head?

- No, sir.
- No, sir. Sorry, sir.

- Decoy is called "Disco Duck," all right?

- So it's not the real one.
- It's not the real Bernie.

We're gonna take the real Bernie offstage.

- Okay.
- Through the back.

You're gonna take the Disco Duck
through the front

so everybody can see him,
cause a distraction.

You understand? - Yes, sir.

- That guy was cool.
- That guy was so fucking cool.

- So fucking cool, man.
- Wow!

- Disco Duck.

- Oh, my gosh!
- Wow!

- How're you doin'?
- You're not...

- Pleasure to meet you, "Bernie."

- All right, your country depends on you.
- Check.

- All right.
- Wow.

- Hey. How are you guys?

So we can talk to you, really?

- Yeah, of course you can.
- Okay.

- I'm just a guy...
- Oh, God. It just felt weird.

- I'm just an actor from LA. Just a guy.

- Wow!
- That's... Wow!

- Wow!
- I thought I recognized you.

- I don't know if you're fans
of Hogan's Heroes?

- Who isn't? Come on. No.

- I was an extra a lot on that show.

- That's where I've seen you.
- Yeah.

I got to be really good friends
with one Robert Crane.

- Wow!
- What a great guy...

- Wow.
- Yeah.

If you know anything about...
- I don't, but I heard...

I mean, he seems amazing.
- He was so...

I wondered what happened to him
'cause he was so...

- Handsome. So handsome.
- He got killed by a good friend of his.

Me, him and Schultz, right?

- Schultz?
- You know the Sergeant?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

"No, no, no! No one is saying..."

- We used to gallivant
around Sunset Boulevard.

- No.
- Wow!

- Wow!
- Having so much sex.

No, I'm talking about just blowjob...

Hey, you guys like to party?

You guys like to party a little bit?

- I am gonna look up for a second.
- We're gonna look that way.

- Yeah.
- There she is.

- Yeah!
- Okay.

- Hello.
- No, thank you.

If I say "no, thank you"...

Hold my call. Hello.

This is Jackie. Yes.

- You don't get service.
- Shut the...

- Hey, you gotta pick this stuff up.

- You have to pick it all up,
how 'bout that?

- No, no, no, no.
- Come on!

- Now you have to pick it all up.
- No. No. No, Jackie.

- Don't touch! That's my stuff.
- What are they?

- Poussin, smartass.
What do you think this is?

It's used condoms and teeth
in the bottom of the baggy.

Everybody's got those.

- Jackie, please come with us.

- We don't wanna touch you.
- You think I don't...

- Please, come on. Just...

- That came out of my nose.
- Oh, man!

- This happened again.
- Let's do a thing.

Just follow... follow me.
- Okay.

- Hey, the two of us would like

to obtain your services, so...

- But we want to do it... Yeah.
- ...in the car.

- God damn,
I haven't even had breakfast yet.

Well, let me first make sure
I'm not pregnant.

- What're you doing? Oh, don't!
No, don't pee!

- Hold on! It's for your own good.
- You want to fuckin'...

You want to pay alimony
for the rest of the year?

That would be the least
of my worries, that you're pregnant...

- I'm checking it. I'm checking it.
- She just peed...

- No, we're good. Where do you want it?

- In the car.
- Yeah.

- In the butt?
- Yeah.

- Yes, but in the car.
- Okay.

- Come on.
- I don't feel like it!

- Let's go.
- What kind of party can we have

with a laxative and some petroleum jelly?

- It's nice in here.
- Yeah, there you go.

- Okay.
- Put that up.

- Okay.
- Help.

Oh, I'm shitting.

- You said you're shitting?
- No!

I'm gonna look over here.

- How did you get the decoy work?

- I've done decoy work before.

I did Biden when he was VP.
- You did Biden?

- I've done the late Joe McCarthy
who ran the blacklist...

- Wonderful guy.

- Okay, guys.
Thirty seconds to Disco Duck.

Thirty seconds to Disco Duck.
- Thank God.

- Okay.
- He's really with you, right?

- Twenty-five seconds.

- Look, I'm gonna take a little hit.

- I'm gonna look the other way.
- Before we go...

- Ten seconds to Disco Duck!
- Yes, sir.

- Okay.
- Here we go.

- You kinda have some...
- Here, here, here.

- You sure you're good?
'Cause that was kind of a lot. Okay.

Here we go. Here he is, everybody.

- Just move him. Just move him.
- That's him.

Nothing to see here.

- I am the real Bernie.

- That's him.
- Bernie!

- That's him.
- I am the real Bernie.

Shit. Shit!

Can we get him in?

- He's fine!
- Shit.

Oh, my God!

- You got the EpiPen or anything?
- He's not breathing.

- Oh, he's dead.
- Oh, God!

- We were in a car with a dead guy.
- He's dead, he's dead. What do we do?

- We're in so much trouble.
- We just call the Secret Service.

What do we do? What do we do?
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Check it out.

Check it out. Check it out.
- That's me.

- Oh, my God.
- That's you!

- Hey, we're on the news! Look at that!
- We're on TV!

- Wow!
- Wow!

We're also on this one.

- Honolulu.
- Neat.

"Bernie Sanders collapses dead in
the Reno-Sparks Convention Center."

- Let's dump him. Let's just dump him.

Let's just push him out of the car.

- We're in Sparks now, a little bit.

If Sparks SD finds a body?
- Not our problem.

- With my fingerprints?
- Oh, fuck.

- Sorry, sir.

- All right, I got it. I'll hold on to it.
I'll hold on to it.

I'll put it in evidence. - Okay.

Somebody know what these are?

Watch him.
- Yeah. No, no, no, I take these.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, I take these.

- Those are like mama's little helpers.
- Those are mama's little helpers.

- Never doing that.
- Pulled these off of him earlier.

- These will help carry him.
If we're gonna...

We're gonna carry him.

- If we're gonna carry him 40 feet,
I'm just sayin'.

Sorry.

- Okay. Yeah, let's do it.

- Hi!
- Bernie, Bernie, Bernie!

Bernie, Bernie, Bernie!
Bernie, Bernie, Bernie!

Bernie, Bernie, Bernie!
Bernie, Bernie, Bernie!

Go, go, go, go, go!

Holy shit, Susan Sarandon!