Reno 911! (2003–2009): Season 7, Episode 8 - Weekend at Bernie - full transcript
The department serves secret service duty at a local rally. Meanwhile, Declan and Jones apprehend a sex worker.
The squirrels in the ducts
are still there.
- I hear 'em.
- I feel like they're staring to...
You know, the one with the... I feel...
No one thinks that it sounds
a little bit like,
a tiny bit like they're singing?
At all?
They're not words but, you know...
- It's... Yeah, I know what you mean.
- They're not singing. I'm not crazy.
- What do you hear them singing, Jim?
- I don't... See.
I knew you're gonna be...
Everybody's gonna be dicks.
I don't think the squirrels in the ducts
are singing "words."
They're not...
They're not Marvin Hamlisch.
- Maybe, just maybe...
you need to take a break.
You've been here for a long, damn time
and maybe you need to just take a break.
- There's a spa outside of Primm...
- Yeah.
- ...that's very nice.
- Are you guys doing Of Mice and Men
where you lead me out to Primm
and then you shoot me in the head?
- No!
- No!
- God damn it.
- You can Google it.
- There's a very nice kind of a...
- Yeah.
- ...like a spa thing...
- Why is everybody so excited
for me to go to Primm?
- What's going on?
- We're not excited.
- We're worried about you.
- We just think you need a break.
You just said that the squirrels
were singing.
- Not words! They're not making words!
I didn't say they were making words!
- Jim, go to Primm.
- Yeah, yeah, I'll go to Primm.
- I think we all could use a break.
- I'll go to Primm.
- I hear 'em singing.
- See?
- Hey! I'm in a limo... sort of car.
Hi! - Hey!
- Just twerking in a limo.
Twerking in a limo.
- Don't hate.
- Don't hate.
- Don't hate.
That's not safe, Jim.
Do I have taffy in my teeth?
- Yes.
- Oh, my God.
- Quite a bit. I can't...
- Well, get it.
- Guys, guys, guys.
- Cut that shit out.
You want a bullet in my head?
- No, sir.
- No, sir. Sorry, sir.
- Decoy is called "Disco Duck," all right?
- So it's not the real one.
- It's not the real Bernie.
We're gonna take the real Bernie offstage.
- Okay.
- Through the back.
You're gonna take the Disco Duck
through the front
so everybody can see him,
cause a distraction.
You understand? - Yes, sir.
- That guy was cool.
- That guy was so fucking cool.
- So fucking cool, man.
- Wow!
- Disco Duck.
- Oh, my gosh!
- Wow!
- How're you doin'?
- You're not...
- Pleasure to meet you, "Bernie."
- All right, your country depends on you.
- Check.
- All right.
- Wow.
- Hey. How are you guys?
So we can talk to you, really?
- Yeah, of course you can.
- Okay.
- I'm just a guy...
- Oh, God. It just felt weird.
- I'm just an actor from LA. Just a guy.
- Wow!
- That's... Wow!
- Wow!
- I thought I recognized you.
- I don't know if you're fans
of Hogan's Heroes?
- Who isn't? Come on. No.
- I was an extra a lot on that show.
- That's where I've seen you.
- Yeah.
I got to be really good friends
with one Robert Crane.
- Wow!
- What a great guy...
- Wow.
- Yeah.
If you know anything about...
- I don't, but I heard...
I mean, he seems amazing.
- He was so...
I wondered what happened to him
'cause he was so...
- Handsome. So handsome.
- He got killed by a good friend of his.
Me, him and Schultz, right?
- Schultz?
- You know the Sergeant?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
"No, no, no! No one is saying..."
- We used to gallivant
around Sunset Boulevard.
- No.
- Wow!
- Wow!
- Having so much sex.
No, I'm talking about just blowjob...
Hey, you guys like to party?
You guys like to party a little bit?
- I am gonna look up for a second.
- We're gonna look that way.
- Yeah.
- There she is.
- Yeah!
- Okay.
- Hello.
- No, thank you.
If I say "no, thank you"...
Hold my call. Hello.
This is Jackie. Yes.
- You don't get service.
- Shut the...
- Hey, you gotta pick this stuff up.
- You have to pick it all up,
how 'bout that?
- No, no, no, no.
- Come on!
- Now you have to pick it all up.
- No. No. No, Jackie.
- Don't touch! That's my stuff.
- What are they?
- Poussin, smartass.
What do you think this is?
It's used condoms and teeth
in the bottom of the baggy.
Everybody's got those.
- Jackie, please come with us.
- We don't wanna touch you.
- You think I don't...
- Please, come on. Just...
- That came out of my nose.
- Oh, man!
- This happened again.
- Let's do a thing.
Just follow... follow me.
- Okay.
- Hey, the two of us would like
to obtain your services, so...
- But we want to do it... Yeah.
- ...in the car.
- God damn,
I haven't even had breakfast yet.
Well, let me first make sure
I'm not pregnant.
- What're you doing? Oh, don't!
No, don't pee!
- Hold on! It's for your own good.
- You want to fuckin'...
You want to pay alimony
for the rest of the year?
That would be the least
of my worries, that you're pregnant...
- I'm checking it. I'm checking it.
- She just peed...
- No, we're good. Where do you want it?
- In the car.
- Yeah.
- In the butt?
- Yeah.
- Yes, but in the car.
- Okay.
- Come on.
- I don't feel like it!
- Let's go.
- What kind of party can we have
with a laxative and some petroleum jelly?
- It's nice in here.
- Yeah, there you go.
- Okay.
- Put that up.
- Okay.
- Help.
Oh, I'm shitting.
- You said you're shitting?
- No!
I'm gonna look over here.
- How did you get the decoy work?
- I've done decoy work before.
I did Biden when he was VP.
- You did Biden?
- I've done the late Joe McCarthy
who ran the blacklist...
- Wonderful guy.
- Okay, guys.
Thirty seconds to Disco Duck.
Thirty seconds to Disco Duck.
- Thank God.
- Okay.
- He's really with you, right?
- Twenty-five seconds.
- Look, I'm gonna take a little hit.
- I'm gonna look the other way.
- Before we go...
- Ten seconds to Disco Duck!
- Yes, sir.
- Okay.
- Here we go.
- You kinda have some...
- Here, here, here.
- You sure you're good?
'Cause that was kind of a lot. Okay.
Here we go. Here he is, everybody.
- Just move him. Just move him.
- That's him.
Nothing to see here.
- I am the real Bernie.
- That's him.
- Bernie!
- That's him.
- I am the real Bernie.
Shit. Shit!
Can we get him in?
- He's fine!
- Shit.
Oh, my God!
- You got the EpiPen or anything?
- He's not breathing.
- Oh, he's dead.
- Oh, God!
- We were in a car with a dead guy.
- He's dead, he's dead. What do we do?
- We're in so much trouble.
- We just call the Secret Service.
What do we do? What do we do?
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Check it out.
Check it out. Check it out.
- That's me.
- Oh, my God.
- That's you!
- Hey, we're on the news! Look at that!
- We're on TV!
- Wow!
- Wow!
We're also on this one.
- Honolulu.
- Neat.
"Bernie Sanders collapses dead in
the Reno-Sparks Convention Center."
- Let's dump him. Let's just dump him.
Let's just push him out of the car.
- We're in Sparks now, a little bit.
If Sparks SD finds a body?
- Not our problem.
- With my fingerprints?
- Oh, fuck.
- Sorry, sir.
- All right, I got it. I'll hold on to it.
I'll hold on to it.
I'll put it in evidence. - Okay.
Somebody know what these are?
Watch him.
- Yeah. No, no, no, I take these.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, I take these.
- Those are like mama's little helpers.
- Those are mama's little helpers.
- Never doing that.
- Pulled these off of him earlier.
- These will help carry him.
If we're gonna...
We're gonna carry him.
- If we're gonna carry him 40 feet,
I'm just sayin'.
Sorry.
- Okay. Yeah, let's do it.
- Hi!
- Bernie, Bernie, Bernie!
Bernie, Bernie, Bernie!
Bernie, Bernie, Bernie!
Bernie, Bernie, Bernie!
Bernie, Bernie, Bernie!
Go, go, go, go, go!
Holy shit, Susan Sarandon!
are still there.
- I hear 'em.
- I feel like they're staring to...
You know, the one with the... I feel...
No one thinks that it sounds
a little bit like,
a tiny bit like they're singing?
At all?
They're not words but, you know...
- It's... Yeah, I know what you mean.
- They're not singing. I'm not crazy.
- What do you hear them singing, Jim?
- I don't... See.
I knew you're gonna be...
Everybody's gonna be dicks.
I don't think the squirrels in the ducts
are singing "words."
They're not...
They're not Marvin Hamlisch.
- Maybe, just maybe...
you need to take a break.
You've been here for a long, damn time
and maybe you need to just take a break.
- There's a spa outside of Primm...
- Yeah.
- ...that's very nice.
- Are you guys doing Of Mice and Men
where you lead me out to Primm
and then you shoot me in the head?
- No!
- No!
- God damn it.
- You can Google it.
- There's a very nice kind of a...
- Yeah.
- ...like a spa thing...
- Why is everybody so excited
for me to go to Primm?
- What's going on?
- We're not excited.
- We're worried about you.
- We just think you need a break.
You just said that the squirrels
were singing.
- Not words! They're not making words!
I didn't say they were making words!
- Jim, go to Primm.
- Yeah, yeah, I'll go to Primm.
- I think we all could use a break.
- I'll go to Primm.
- I hear 'em singing.
- See?
- Hey! I'm in a limo... sort of car.
Hi! - Hey!
- Just twerking in a limo.
Twerking in a limo.
- Don't hate.
- Don't hate.
- Don't hate.
That's not safe, Jim.
Do I have taffy in my teeth?
- Yes.
- Oh, my God.
- Quite a bit. I can't...
- Well, get it.
- Guys, guys, guys.
- Cut that shit out.
You want a bullet in my head?
- No, sir.
- No, sir. Sorry, sir.
- Decoy is called "Disco Duck," all right?
- So it's not the real one.
- It's not the real Bernie.
We're gonna take the real Bernie offstage.
- Okay.
- Through the back.
You're gonna take the Disco Duck
through the front
so everybody can see him,
cause a distraction.
You understand? - Yes, sir.
- That guy was cool.
- That guy was so fucking cool.
- So fucking cool, man.
- Wow!
- Disco Duck.
- Oh, my gosh!
- Wow!
- How're you doin'?
- You're not...
- Pleasure to meet you, "Bernie."
- All right, your country depends on you.
- Check.
- All right.
- Wow.
- Hey. How are you guys?
So we can talk to you, really?
- Yeah, of course you can.
- Okay.
- I'm just a guy...
- Oh, God. It just felt weird.
- I'm just an actor from LA. Just a guy.
- Wow!
- That's... Wow!
- Wow!
- I thought I recognized you.
- I don't know if you're fans
of Hogan's Heroes?
- Who isn't? Come on. No.
- I was an extra a lot on that show.
- That's where I've seen you.
- Yeah.
I got to be really good friends
with one Robert Crane.
- Wow!
- What a great guy...
- Wow.
- Yeah.
If you know anything about...
- I don't, but I heard...
I mean, he seems amazing.
- He was so...
I wondered what happened to him
'cause he was so...
- Handsome. So handsome.
- He got killed by a good friend of his.
Me, him and Schultz, right?
- Schultz?
- You know the Sergeant?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
"No, no, no! No one is saying..."
- We used to gallivant
around Sunset Boulevard.
- No.
- Wow!
- Wow!
- Having so much sex.
No, I'm talking about just blowjob...
Hey, you guys like to party?
You guys like to party a little bit?
- I am gonna look up for a second.
- We're gonna look that way.
- Yeah.
- There she is.
- Yeah!
- Okay.
- Hello.
- No, thank you.
If I say "no, thank you"...
Hold my call. Hello.
This is Jackie. Yes.
- You don't get service.
- Shut the...
- Hey, you gotta pick this stuff up.
- You have to pick it all up,
how 'bout that?
- No, no, no, no.
- Come on!
- Now you have to pick it all up.
- No. No. No, Jackie.
- Don't touch! That's my stuff.
- What are they?
- Poussin, smartass.
What do you think this is?
It's used condoms and teeth
in the bottom of the baggy.
Everybody's got those.
- Jackie, please come with us.
- We don't wanna touch you.
- You think I don't...
- Please, come on. Just...
- That came out of my nose.
- Oh, man!
- This happened again.
- Let's do a thing.
Just follow... follow me.
- Okay.
- Hey, the two of us would like
to obtain your services, so...
- But we want to do it... Yeah.
- ...in the car.
- God damn,
I haven't even had breakfast yet.
Well, let me first make sure
I'm not pregnant.
- What're you doing? Oh, don't!
No, don't pee!
- Hold on! It's for your own good.
- You want to fuckin'...
You want to pay alimony
for the rest of the year?
That would be the least
of my worries, that you're pregnant...
- I'm checking it. I'm checking it.
- She just peed...
- No, we're good. Where do you want it?
- In the car.
- Yeah.
- In the butt?
- Yeah.
- Yes, but in the car.
- Okay.
- Come on.
- I don't feel like it!
- Let's go.
- What kind of party can we have
with a laxative and some petroleum jelly?
- It's nice in here.
- Yeah, there you go.
- Okay.
- Put that up.
- Okay.
- Help.
Oh, I'm shitting.
- You said you're shitting?
- No!
I'm gonna look over here.
- How did you get the decoy work?
- I've done decoy work before.
I did Biden when he was VP.
- You did Biden?
- I've done the late Joe McCarthy
who ran the blacklist...
- Wonderful guy.
- Okay, guys.
Thirty seconds to Disco Duck.
Thirty seconds to Disco Duck.
- Thank God.
- Okay.
- He's really with you, right?
- Twenty-five seconds.
- Look, I'm gonna take a little hit.
- I'm gonna look the other way.
- Before we go...
- Ten seconds to Disco Duck!
- Yes, sir.
- Okay.
- Here we go.
- You kinda have some...
- Here, here, here.
- You sure you're good?
'Cause that was kind of a lot. Okay.
Here we go. Here he is, everybody.
- Just move him. Just move him.
- That's him.
Nothing to see here.
- I am the real Bernie.
- That's him.
- Bernie!
- That's him.
- I am the real Bernie.
Shit. Shit!
Can we get him in?
- He's fine!
- Shit.
Oh, my God!
- You got the EpiPen or anything?
- He's not breathing.
- Oh, he's dead.
- Oh, God!
- We were in a car with a dead guy.
- He's dead, he's dead. What do we do?
- We're in so much trouble.
- We just call the Secret Service.
What do we do? What do we do?
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Check it out.
Check it out. Check it out.
- That's me.
- Oh, my God.
- That's you!
- Hey, we're on the news! Look at that!
- We're on TV!
- Wow!
- Wow!
We're also on this one.
- Honolulu.
- Neat.
"Bernie Sanders collapses dead in
the Reno-Sparks Convention Center."
- Let's dump him. Let's just dump him.
Let's just push him out of the car.
- We're in Sparks now, a little bit.
If Sparks SD finds a body?
- Not our problem.
- With my fingerprints?
- Oh, fuck.
- Sorry, sir.
- All right, I got it. I'll hold on to it.
I'll hold on to it.
I'll put it in evidence. - Okay.
Somebody know what these are?
Watch him.
- Yeah. No, no, no, I take these.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, I take these.
- Those are like mama's little helpers.
- Those are mama's little helpers.
- Never doing that.
- Pulled these off of him earlier.
- These will help carry him.
If we're gonna...
We're gonna carry him.
- If we're gonna carry him 40 feet,
I'm just sayin'.
Sorry.
- Okay. Yeah, let's do it.
- Hi!
- Bernie, Bernie, Bernie!
Bernie, Bernie, Bernie!
Bernie, Bernie, Bernie!
Bernie, Bernie, Bernie!
Bernie, Bernie, Bernie!
Go, go, go, go, go!
Holy shit, Susan Sarandon!