Reno 911! (2003–2009): Season 7, Episode 6 - Big Mike's Rocket Rascal - full transcript

The deputies respond to a verbally hostile trespassing suspect, enter a burning building, and de-escalate a dangerous situation.

Damn, son!

Bruce Wayne! How are you doing today?

Can I see your pilot's license.

I'm gonna need you
to step out of the car for me.

Max Logan, still broadcastin'.

White Genocide Radio Hour.

Now you know I'm live at Champion's Pizza
here in Reno,

where, of course,
the SJWs can't get a good night's sleep

unless your children are near a penis.

That's why they've opened
a unisex bathroom.

- Sheriff's Department!
- Sheriff's Department!



- Here we go! Got a couple of members
of the deep state coming in.

- Come on! Come on, Max!
- No, come on!

- Come on, "the deep state?"

They want to get me outside so that
more kids will go into that bathroom

and be exposed to a huge, veiny,
throbbing, muscular penis

the size of a flashlight!

- Is there someone with a penis like that
in there right now?

- Well, if you need to... guys?

- You can't be on private property.

- I can't be on private property?
- Go back to your basement.

- I'm sorry that I'm interrupting
Baghdad Betty's...

Baghdad Betty's attempt...
- Hate speech, hate speech.

- Hate speech.
- To expose your children to more penises.

This is how you dismantle
the Christian capitalist government.



First, you blur the lines of sexuality...
Then, the paper straws.

Why are they making straws out of paper?

- To protect the turtles in the sea.

- To make less paper available
for the printing of books.

- These straws suck, by the way.

- Guys, I need to do a quick ad.
- Yeah, sure.

For the White Genocide
Radio Hour listeners,

go the website
and buy our new paper straws

made from redwood trees.

Only made exclusively from endangered
old-growth redwood trees.

Leave your mark on the Earth
with a redwood tree straw.

Sorry, what were you guys saying?

- Can we take down the SJWs outside?
- Yeah.

- Can you take it outside?
- Thank you.

- You're in public thoroughfare
that leads to...

- They're trying to get me outside
so that they can just...

- Hey, you guys,
you gotta come real quick.

They're trying to change
Andrew Jackson Boulevard

to Michelle Obama Way.

- God damn it, it's starting.

It's starting!
We're going mobile, let's go!

- Thank you, Trudy.
- You're welcome.

- Can you guys help me?
- Everything I own is in there.

- Yeah. Yeah. All right.
- You got it?

- Can you go down in there?
- Yes, here, toss it.

Right. I got it. Jesus!

- Oh, yeah, be careful. OK.
- Sure. Got it.

- You have all the attachments
for the blender?

I need all the attachments.

Thank you so much, guys.

- I've got the lead tap.

I got the lead tap. - Perfect.

- Wait. Shit. No, wait! Fuck!

- Thank you so much, guys.
- Here.

- Thanks, y'all. Thank you.

- Who is that?

My god, my house is on fire!

Guys, help me get some of my stuff out.
I got a blender, electronics up there.

Oh. my gosh. Oh, my goodness, my TV!

- OK! You know what?
- No, no, no, no, no!

- You know what, Mike?
- What?

- Hey, Mike.
- Hey, dude!

Yeah, knock-knock.

- All right, knock-knock.
- Who's there?

- Yeah, knock-knock!
- Stay out of my way.

I'm doing the big jump today.

- Hey, criminal mastermind?
- Yeah?

- I'm just rattling around
the thoughts in your head.

When you're gonna commit
a class D felony...

- Yeah.
- ...why would you stream it?

- Because this is my action channel.

And I have a landing ramp
on the other side.

- Well, guys, he does have a landing ramp
on the other side.

Well, we shouldn't have come
if he has a landing ramp.

- No, no.
- No.

- Now, baby!
- Stop it, stop it!

- Did you make this yourself?
- I did.

I didn't make the Rascal,
for Christ's sake.

- Who would make a Rascal
but the Rascal people.

- Yeah, correct.
- I made the rockets.

It didn't have the rockets on...
And all the other stuff.

- I have got to say, you have gotten
more sophisticated over the years.

- Thank you very much. That's good stuff.

- Do you like to have good things?
- No, I don't.

- I think the really good news
about this, Mike...

- Don't start... God damn it! Stop it!
- No, no, no, no, no!

- I blame you.
You are a big part of the problem.

Who?

- The little children
giving you thumbs up and hearts.

- I got hearts!

That's better than a "Fuck you,
you old, wasted dickface who sucks dicks."

That's what I usually get.
- Yeah.

There's a lot of people
that think I suck dicks, Dangle.

You would know. But they are like children
that say it to me.

- Yeah, filthy language.
- "You suck dick."

- "You like to have dicks in your face."
- Yeah.

- "You love balls."

- I'm an entertainer.

Outlaw. Entertainer.

- Yeah. This, I get. This, I get.
- Who doesn't get that?

- Hey...
- That's a sexy mountain to climb.

There's a story by Shirley Jackson
called The Lottery,

where they pick one person every year
to stone to death.

- Yeah. Then he gets super-stoned,

and then he gets on this fucking bike...

- Forget it. I fucking... Fucking do it.
- Fucking do it.

Fucking do it. - Do it, genius.

Do it.
- Hey, Sue, we got the green light!

- Do it. I dare ya.
- Shit. Shit. Shit.

- Hey, co-worker Susan.

Check out these photos
I'm gonna post online of my ex

engage in a sexual act
and/or her completely exposed nipple.

Here she's exposing her genitals
and/or erect penis at a luau.

- Wait, Rodrigo. The pictures you're
depicting sound like revenge porn.

Are you posting those pictures
with the express intent

to harass or terrorize a person
with your depicted images?

- You bet.

Flag on the play!

Revenge porn, also known as
revenge pornography,

has been illegal in Nevada since 2015.

Revenge porn is a category D felony

which carries a one to four year
prison sentence,

or a $ 5,000 fine.

- So you're saying I cannot legally post
these explicit photos

on the worldwide... web?

- Here's a little acronym
to remember the law.

Just think "deep push lard."

- "Don't ever, ever post

pics under state harassment laws

and regulatory defamation statutes

of 2015."