Reno 911! (2003–2009): Season 7, Episode 5 - Let's Shoot a White Guy, Part 2 - full transcript
Lieutenant Dangle dispatches a task force for a new department initiative. The department enlists the help of a local civilian.
- OK, Gary, so why don't you tell me
what happened?
- I'm being prejudiced against
is what's happened.
People are seeing a simple white man
and they're going,
"I'm black. I think I'm better than you."
"I'm a proud gay."
"I'ma make sure a white man's rights
are taken away."
- So...
- Just because I'm...
- ...you called me because you feel like
your feelings have been hurt?
- Did you not see that?
My rights are being taken away right now!
There are people coming up and saying,
"Just because I'm transgender,
I'm special. I have..."
- No, that's not a crime.
- Judaism is a plague!
It's coming across and making sure
that everybody wants...
- OK, Gary, listen,
has any kind of crime...
I'm just hearing
that your feelings are hurt.
- My feelings are not hurt.
My land is being taken away on a daily...
- So someone stole land from you,
is this what I'm hearing?
You can't hold that in your hand
so I can't really call that a theft.
- They're gonna steal away the election.
They're gonna steal away the White House.
They're gonna make sure...
I can identify that one.
They're taking away
my right to free speech.
- That's fucked up, Gary.
That, I don't agree with.
I personally don't love this idea
of us shooting a white guy
to make us look better.
Mostly because I'm the one
who has to do all the paperwork
any time someone discharges their weapon.
And I got a lot of shit to do this week.
Pardon my French but...
this butthole isn't gonna wax itself.
Hey, do me a favor, if you notice
a white guy that I miss, let me know.
I tend to ignore the white guys 'cause,
usually, they're not a problem.
I never said that.
...Shit!
- This is it. This it right here.
- Yep.
You know these guys are unarmed,
and they couldn't be any whiter.
One for you, one for me.
This place is awful.
- Hey, guys.
- Mornin'.
- Hi, officer.
- Hi, officers.
- I wouldn't mind talking to you about...
The Book of Mormon.
- Sure.
- OK.
- I'm sorry. Do you mind just taking
your hand off the gun for a second?
It just makes me really nervous.
- I'm nervous, too.
- I wasn't even noticing.
- It's just instinct, you know.
- Yeah.
- We just truly wanna take about faith.
- Sure. Yeah.
- I'm a woman of deep faith but I've been
shopping around for a new one.
- Elder, Elder, we have to get back.
- We're just...
- Well, just stay close to me...
- Yeah.
- Answer any questions
I might have? You know what I'm saying?
- Elder?
- We're on a mission...
- Elder, go! Go, go, go!
- We just wanna talk to you, come on!
You don't need to... Now, look!
Take a shot! Take a shot! Oh, Jesus!
Take a... What? Declan!
- Go, go, get 'em!
- Jesus! Take a shot, you got 'em!
- You do it!
- You do it!
- I can't move!
- I'm not gonna...
- Hey, followers!
- It's Trudy Wiegel here...
with Trudy Trending Tip 6,428.
I'm gonna show you how you can do
some beauty stuff on a budget.
So today we're gonna talk about
getting rid of unwanted body hair.
So what I figured out was,
if you just
go to your local hardware store
and pick up just your
standard rat glue trap...
you can do your own waxing at home.
Or if you have
a gently used one in your garage,
that's probably OK, too.
So it's really pretty self-explanatory...
you got some unwanted hair
and you got a rat glue trap.
I probably don't have to
talk you through this but...
I will.
So...
I just...
I mean, I haven't tried this before but
I'm just gonna count.
One... two...
Fuck!
Fuck me!
- Responding to a call from Gary.
What? Gary is like a...
- He's a racist.
- Well, yeah... Proud... Proud boy.
- Rally organizer.
- ...come on, guys!
- Oh, they're cool, fellows. It's cool.
Thank you for calling. Hey, DJ.
- So what happens when you call 911, Gary?
- A little bird told me
you all are looking to...
shoot somebody?
- Hey, hey, hey!
- Hey!
Hey!
- What if I told you...
I want you to shoot... moi?
- Why do you want us to shoot you?
- You guys shoot a white man.
- Yeah, yeah.
- And now all of a sudden,
the Reno Sheriff's Department
shoots everybody.
Black people aren't victimized...
they're just one of many victims
that we terrorize.
- They're one of...
They just happen to be the vast majority
but not exclusively.
- Not exclusively. Not exclusively.
- Not exclusively.
- We're equal opportunity shooters.
- Yes, yes.
- I don't hate this idea.
- We're the same, you and me.
We're the same. - OK. Stop!
Hey, you get what you want
and then I'm the Crispus Attucks
of the new Civil War.
- Who is that? Remind me who that is?
- You know Crispus Attucks.
- Is that the guy with the bindle
who planted all the seeds?
Who's the guy... what are the three sounds
of the breakfast cereal, guys?
- Snap.
- Crackle.
- Snap, Craple, Crackle and Crispus?
- No, that's that not them.
- Are you seriously thinking
that one of our Black founders
is a guy on a cereal?
- Snap, Crackle and Pop couldn't be black?
- We need to get on the same page.
- None of our cereal people
are black, OK?
None of them are people of color.
- BS!
- What about Count Chocula?
- What about Count Chocula?
- Count Chocula's not black!
- He is.
- His name is chocolate... la.
- I'm gonna talk to some black people.
- So you want us to shoot you on purpose?
- Yeah. But non-lethally.
Just in a way that it sends an entire...
- By the way, I apologize. You're right.
- Count Chocula is... He's black.
- Count Chocula's black.
Did you get him?
- Did he do it?
- Did you get him?
- No!
- Shit! I can't see from here.
- Hold still.
You ready?
Gary, hold still.
Relax.
- Bend your knees, junior.
- Gary, close your eyes.
- You're freaking him out.
He got him now.
- Watch for ricochet now.
- Hold still!
- Hey, Gary! You forgot your candy bar.
- God damn it!
- Oh, God!
- Sorry.
- Somebody's gotta suck that out.
Let me suck it out.
- No.
- Let me suck it out. I gotta suck it out.
No, no, no!
- I gonna suck it out.
- Jim, don't do that.
I... I haven't been tested, dude.
- You know what's funny,
'cause I used to say
that the Boy Scouts mostly traumatized me
with some of the... you know.
- I got this.
- Some of the super weird gay stuff
that happened to me.
- Jim, let me get this.
- I got it.
what happened?
- I'm being prejudiced against
is what's happened.
People are seeing a simple white man
and they're going,
"I'm black. I think I'm better than you."
"I'm a proud gay."
"I'ma make sure a white man's rights
are taken away."
- So...
- Just because I'm...
- ...you called me because you feel like
your feelings have been hurt?
- Did you not see that?
My rights are being taken away right now!
There are people coming up and saying,
"Just because I'm transgender,
I'm special. I have..."
- No, that's not a crime.
- Judaism is a plague!
It's coming across and making sure
that everybody wants...
- OK, Gary, listen,
has any kind of crime...
I'm just hearing
that your feelings are hurt.
- My feelings are not hurt.
My land is being taken away on a daily...
- So someone stole land from you,
is this what I'm hearing?
You can't hold that in your hand
so I can't really call that a theft.
- They're gonna steal away the election.
They're gonna steal away the White House.
They're gonna make sure...
I can identify that one.
They're taking away
my right to free speech.
- That's fucked up, Gary.
That, I don't agree with.
I personally don't love this idea
of us shooting a white guy
to make us look better.
Mostly because I'm the one
who has to do all the paperwork
any time someone discharges their weapon.
And I got a lot of shit to do this week.
Pardon my French but...
this butthole isn't gonna wax itself.
Hey, do me a favor, if you notice
a white guy that I miss, let me know.
I tend to ignore the white guys 'cause,
usually, they're not a problem.
I never said that.
...Shit!
- This is it. This it right here.
- Yep.
You know these guys are unarmed,
and they couldn't be any whiter.
One for you, one for me.
This place is awful.
- Hey, guys.
- Mornin'.
- Hi, officer.
- Hi, officers.
- I wouldn't mind talking to you about...
The Book of Mormon.
- Sure.
- OK.
- I'm sorry. Do you mind just taking
your hand off the gun for a second?
It just makes me really nervous.
- I'm nervous, too.
- I wasn't even noticing.
- It's just instinct, you know.
- Yeah.
- We just truly wanna take about faith.
- Sure. Yeah.
- I'm a woman of deep faith but I've been
shopping around for a new one.
- Elder, Elder, we have to get back.
- We're just...
- Well, just stay close to me...
- Yeah.
- Answer any questions
I might have? You know what I'm saying?
- Elder?
- We're on a mission...
- Elder, go! Go, go, go!
- We just wanna talk to you, come on!
You don't need to... Now, look!
Take a shot! Take a shot! Oh, Jesus!
Take a... What? Declan!
- Go, go, get 'em!
- Jesus! Take a shot, you got 'em!
- You do it!
- You do it!
- I can't move!
- I'm not gonna...
- Hey, followers!
- It's Trudy Wiegel here...
with Trudy Trending Tip 6,428.
I'm gonna show you how you can do
some beauty stuff on a budget.
So today we're gonna talk about
getting rid of unwanted body hair.
So what I figured out was,
if you just
go to your local hardware store
and pick up just your
standard rat glue trap...
you can do your own waxing at home.
Or if you have
a gently used one in your garage,
that's probably OK, too.
So it's really pretty self-explanatory...
you got some unwanted hair
and you got a rat glue trap.
I probably don't have to
talk you through this but...
I will.
So...
I just...
I mean, I haven't tried this before but
I'm just gonna count.
One... two...
Fuck!
Fuck me!
- Responding to a call from Gary.
What? Gary is like a...
- He's a racist.
- Well, yeah... Proud... Proud boy.
- Rally organizer.
- ...come on, guys!
- Oh, they're cool, fellows. It's cool.
Thank you for calling. Hey, DJ.
- So what happens when you call 911, Gary?
- A little bird told me
you all are looking to...
shoot somebody?
- Hey, hey, hey!
- Hey!
Hey!
- What if I told you...
I want you to shoot... moi?
- Why do you want us to shoot you?
- You guys shoot a white man.
- Yeah, yeah.
- And now all of a sudden,
the Reno Sheriff's Department
shoots everybody.
Black people aren't victimized...
they're just one of many victims
that we terrorize.
- They're one of...
They just happen to be the vast majority
but not exclusively.
- Not exclusively. Not exclusively.
- Not exclusively.
- We're equal opportunity shooters.
- Yes, yes.
- I don't hate this idea.
- We're the same, you and me.
We're the same. - OK. Stop!
Hey, you get what you want
and then I'm the Crispus Attucks
of the new Civil War.
- Who is that? Remind me who that is?
- You know Crispus Attucks.
- Is that the guy with the bindle
who planted all the seeds?
Who's the guy... what are the three sounds
of the breakfast cereal, guys?
- Snap.
- Crackle.
- Snap, Craple, Crackle and Crispus?
- No, that's that not them.
- Are you seriously thinking
that one of our Black founders
is a guy on a cereal?
- Snap, Crackle and Pop couldn't be black?
- We need to get on the same page.
- None of our cereal people
are black, OK?
None of them are people of color.
- BS!
- What about Count Chocula?
- What about Count Chocula?
- Count Chocula's not black!
- He is.
- His name is chocolate... la.
- I'm gonna talk to some black people.
- So you want us to shoot you on purpose?
- Yeah. But non-lethally.
Just in a way that it sends an entire...
- By the way, I apologize. You're right.
- Count Chocula is... He's black.
- Count Chocula's black.
Did you get him?
- Did he do it?
- Did you get him?
- No!
- Shit! I can't see from here.
- Hold still.
You ready?
Gary, hold still.
Relax.
- Bend your knees, junior.
- Gary, close your eyes.
- You're freaking him out.
He got him now.
- Watch for ricochet now.
- Hold still!
- Hey, Gary! You forgot your candy bar.
- God damn it!
- Oh, God!
- Sorry.
- Somebody's gotta suck that out.
Let me suck it out.
- No.
- Let me suck it out. I gotta suck it out.
No, no, no!
- I gonna suck it out.
- Jim, don't do that.
I... I haven't been tested, dude.
- You know what's funny,
'cause I used to say
that the Boy Scouts mostly traumatized me
with some of the... you know.
- I got this.
- Some of the super weird gay stuff
that happened to me.
- Jim, let me get this.
- I got it.