Reno 911! (2003–2009): Season 7, Episode 4 - Let's Shoot a White Guy, Part 1 - full transcript
The department puts together an action plan in response to a memo. Meanwhile, officer Johnson inspects a disorderly vehicle.
- You know, a lot of aspects
of law enforcement had gotten
tougher over the past, uh,
15 to 20 years.
Trude, don't you agree?
- Yup.
- Remind me not to toss to you, ever.
- OK. Try it again.
- Yeah.
[radio chatter]
- You know, a lot of as...
- Oh, shut up.
A lot of aspects of law enforcement
have gotten tougher
in the past couple of years.
Except for one, the camera phone.
Uh, people,
especially the locals around here
can't stop live-streaming
their crimes. [chuckles] It's just...
It's just like fish in a barrel for us.
- [radio chatter]
I mean, we can just look like...
Look, graffiti. You see that?
But that's... that's in Sparks.
- [radio chatter]
- That's a little bit far away.
- People are so dumb.
- Uh, and then look at this guy is about
to show his genitals to some people.
- Wait, I wanna see that one.
- Well...
It's... But it's all the way
over at the bowling hall of fame,
which is almost, from here,
it'll be about 14 minutes to get to.
He'll probably be done.
I mean, he sure won't have a boner
by the time we get there.
Oh, here's one! Oh, wow!
Uh... "Watch me light
this Molotov cocktail."
That's crazy. That's super close.
That's almost like... That's gotta be...
- [explosion]
- [Jim and Trudy screaming]
- JIM: Uh, good morning.
- TRAVIS: Good morning.
- Jeffey is leaving early tonight
from his post,
so if you gotta get
through the parking lot...
- Take a buddy, maybe?
- Take a buddy.
- Sorry I'm late.
[radio chatter]
[grunts]
Good morning. - Morning.
This morning...
This morning's briefing
is also brought to you by Panda Fridge.
Uh, "Refrigerators
only when you need them."
- I used them before, they're pretty...
- JIM: Panda Fridge?
- They're pretty good.
- JIM: They're actually pretty good.
Uh...
Football guy talk?
We got an update from Carson City.
We've never actually shot
an unarmed white guy...
Ever.
- [radio chatter]
- TRUDY: Hmm.
- Didn't we shoot, uh...
- You missed him, remember?
- JIM: Oh.
- Never?
- Never - JONES: Ever?
- There's a whole... They got a thing,
there's a whole fax.
I had to watch a PowerPoint
about all the folks we've shot of...
I mean, it's stupid, but...
I don't know...
- So what is it that they're asking?
- JIM: No one's asking anything.
- We also hardly shot
any Asian people at all.
- But that "hardly any,"
there's a huge difference between...
- Do we include Spaniards
and Argentines in, in...
- Not in my America.
- White?
- Certainly no one's saying that
we should shoot an unarmed white guy.
- Well, just...
Just, I mean, I'm not saying it...
- JIM: Mm-hmm.
- ...but just like statistics, like...
- JIM: Mm-hmm.
If we hit, if we hit, like...
- I mean if we hit just one?
- JIM: Mm-hmm.
We should shoot...
If we shot a white person,
that won't be the worst thing.
- I'm gonna put my feet up here.
[grunts]
- You're dying for us
to ask about the skates.
[radio chatter]
- JIM: Here's somebody.
- TRAVIS: How about that guy?
He's white, right?
- JIM: No, no, no, no, no. Full-blown,
like, beautiful Asian guy.
- TRAVIS: No.
- JIM: No, no, no.
Trust me, check my browser history
if you don't think
that's "an Asian dude with a pompadour."
That guy looks pretty white.
- JONES: Pretty white.
- Do you guys consider Italian white?
- No.
- I don't either.
- I do.
- You do?
How? That's insane!
- How?
- What do you mean?
- You think Italian people
are white... are also white people?
- Yeah.
- Don't say that around Italian people.
- JONES: That is white...
- TRAVIS: No.
He's got...
- JONES: Not a white man.
- TRAVIS: I think that's Armenian
or something.
- What is an Armenian? Does anyone know?
- Armenian… I don't know.
I mean, some guys, once a year, they drive
around celebrating their genocide.
- Right, right, right.
- They fly their flags...
[ stuttering] With the techno music.
- JIM: White guy.
- JONES: Very unhappy white guy.
- JIM: I like this guy. Here we go.
- TRAVIS: OK.
- JIM: Does he look...
does he remind you of somebody?
- He looks super familiar. Super familiar.
- John Cusack.
- No, no, no. There's like a...
God, it's like a face I've seen a lot.
- He's a news guy?
- Yes.
Or it's like a two-dimensional thing.
- Was he the weather guy?
- Wanted poster?
He's from a wanted poster.
Hi. Hey, guy? - JIM: Are you...
- TRAVIS: Shit! Shit!
- JIM: My shoes!
- TRAVIS: We're sorry. We're sorry.
- You having a bachelorette party?
[girls cheering]
Yeah. - [radio chatter]
Oh.
- [girls talking indistinctly]
You're not supposed to be hanging
out of the moon-roof.
- What?
- Yeah.
- Haven't you ever seen any movie?
- Get out of the car.
- Um, actually, no,
because absolutely not.
- OK, we're on our way to see a show
with Australian guys
wanging their dangs in our face?
- ...their dangs in our face...
- Oh.
- Do you know that I need that?
And that, that is for me.
- All right, I'll... I'll take that. OK.
- No, it's mine.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Nope, nope, nope, nope,
nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.
Ladies, ladies... Are you pregnant?
Get back in. Nope. No, no, no, no, no.
- [radio chatter]
- [cheering]
Walk this line. - OK.
- Touch your nose.
[sniffs]
- Yes, queen! Yes, Rachel!
- Whoo!
- Step, touch. Step, touch.
Get back in line.
So the twos come forward...
- GIRL: Oh.
- ...and the ones go back.
- Oh.
Pivot, step! Pivot, step!
- Pivot, step.
- Five, six, seven, eight!
Step, touch, step, touch, step, touch!
Get ready to pivot, and pivot!
Step, pivot, step.
Step, touch, step, snort the coke.
And snort it, snort it, snort it, down.
And back up, back up.
- [girl sighs]
- [claps]
- I love... You love me.
- [cheering]
- Oh, my God.
- CLEMENTINE: You know what?
If you have room for me, like,
can we go to Tahoe or something?
- GIRL: Yes.
- CLEMENTINE: OK. All right, all right.
- GIRL: Three-way kiss.
[girls whooshing]
- Well, I just moved
and all this paperwork is drowning me!
I've gotta change my address
with the post office, do my bills,
and re-register as a sex offender.
Who's got time for all of this?
- Sounds to me
like you need a little bit of magic.
Remember when you used
to have to go downtown,
get in a huge line
with all of Reno's tens of thousands
of sex offenders...
and wait, and wait?
Well, now it’s all right here
in the Reno Sheriff's Department App
available for your smartphone or tablet.
Just click the icon that says
"Get me registered",
and that'll take you to the scroll wheel
where you can choose your classifications.
Violent sex offender.
Non-violent sex offender.
Peeping Tom. Flasher. Pedophile.
Agalmatophiliac. Katoptronophiliac.
Person who puts their penis in mailboxes.
Roof pooper. Peek-a-dude.
Click as many as apply.
And pick a fun avatar.
That will show up on the app
as we and any other citizen
track your every movement.
- It was so easy!
It's all in the palm of my hand.
[both laughing]
of law enforcement had gotten
tougher over the past, uh,
15 to 20 years.
Trude, don't you agree?
- Yup.
- Remind me not to toss to you, ever.
- OK. Try it again.
- Yeah.
[radio chatter]
- You know, a lot of as...
- Oh, shut up.
A lot of aspects of law enforcement
have gotten tougher
in the past couple of years.
Except for one, the camera phone.
Uh, people,
especially the locals around here
can't stop live-streaming
their crimes. [chuckles] It's just...
It's just like fish in a barrel for us.
- [radio chatter]
I mean, we can just look like...
Look, graffiti. You see that?
But that's... that's in Sparks.
- [radio chatter]
- That's a little bit far away.
- People are so dumb.
- Uh, and then look at this guy is about
to show his genitals to some people.
- Wait, I wanna see that one.
- Well...
It's... But it's all the way
over at the bowling hall of fame,
which is almost, from here,
it'll be about 14 minutes to get to.
He'll probably be done.
I mean, he sure won't have a boner
by the time we get there.
Oh, here's one! Oh, wow!
Uh... "Watch me light
this Molotov cocktail."
That's crazy. That's super close.
That's almost like... That's gotta be...
- [explosion]
- [Jim and Trudy screaming]
- JIM: Uh, good morning.
- TRAVIS: Good morning.
- Jeffey is leaving early tonight
from his post,
so if you gotta get
through the parking lot...
- Take a buddy, maybe?
- Take a buddy.
- Sorry I'm late.
[radio chatter]
[grunts]
Good morning. - Morning.
This morning...
This morning's briefing
is also brought to you by Panda Fridge.
Uh, "Refrigerators
only when you need them."
- I used them before, they're pretty...
- JIM: Panda Fridge?
- They're pretty good.
- JIM: They're actually pretty good.
Uh...
Football guy talk?
We got an update from Carson City.
We've never actually shot
an unarmed white guy...
Ever.
- [radio chatter]
- TRUDY: Hmm.
- Didn't we shoot, uh...
- You missed him, remember?
- JIM: Oh.
- Never?
- Never - JONES: Ever?
- There's a whole... They got a thing,
there's a whole fax.
I had to watch a PowerPoint
about all the folks we've shot of...
I mean, it's stupid, but...
I don't know...
- So what is it that they're asking?
- JIM: No one's asking anything.
- We also hardly shot
any Asian people at all.
- But that "hardly any,"
there's a huge difference between...
- Do we include Spaniards
and Argentines in, in...
- Not in my America.
- White?
- Certainly no one's saying that
we should shoot an unarmed white guy.
- Well, just...
Just, I mean, I'm not saying it...
- JIM: Mm-hmm.
- ...but just like statistics, like...
- JIM: Mm-hmm.
If we hit, if we hit, like...
- I mean if we hit just one?
- JIM: Mm-hmm.
We should shoot...
If we shot a white person,
that won't be the worst thing.
- I'm gonna put my feet up here.
[grunts]
- You're dying for us
to ask about the skates.
[radio chatter]
- JIM: Here's somebody.
- TRAVIS: How about that guy?
He's white, right?
- JIM: No, no, no, no, no. Full-blown,
like, beautiful Asian guy.
- TRAVIS: No.
- JIM: No, no, no.
Trust me, check my browser history
if you don't think
that's "an Asian dude with a pompadour."
That guy looks pretty white.
- JONES: Pretty white.
- Do you guys consider Italian white?
- No.
- I don't either.
- I do.
- You do?
How? That's insane!
- How?
- What do you mean?
- You think Italian people
are white... are also white people?
- Yeah.
- Don't say that around Italian people.
- JONES: That is white...
- TRAVIS: No.
He's got...
- JONES: Not a white man.
- TRAVIS: I think that's Armenian
or something.
- What is an Armenian? Does anyone know?
- Armenian… I don't know.
I mean, some guys, once a year, they drive
around celebrating their genocide.
- Right, right, right.
- They fly their flags...
[ stuttering] With the techno music.
- JIM: White guy.
- JONES: Very unhappy white guy.
- JIM: I like this guy. Here we go.
- TRAVIS: OK.
- JIM: Does he look...
does he remind you of somebody?
- He looks super familiar. Super familiar.
- John Cusack.
- No, no, no. There's like a...
God, it's like a face I've seen a lot.
- He's a news guy?
- Yes.
Or it's like a two-dimensional thing.
- Was he the weather guy?
- Wanted poster?
He's from a wanted poster.
Hi. Hey, guy? - JIM: Are you...
- TRAVIS: Shit! Shit!
- JIM: My shoes!
- TRAVIS: We're sorry. We're sorry.
- You having a bachelorette party?
[girls cheering]
Yeah. - [radio chatter]
Oh.
- [girls talking indistinctly]
You're not supposed to be hanging
out of the moon-roof.
- What?
- Yeah.
- Haven't you ever seen any movie?
- Get out of the car.
- Um, actually, no,
because absolutely not.
- OK, we're on our way to see a show
with Australian guys
wanging their dangs in our face?
- ...their dangs in our face...
- Oh.
- Do you know that I need that?
And that, that is for me.
- All right, I'll... I'll take that. OK.
- No, it's mine.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Nope, nope, nope, nope,
nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.
Ladies, ladies... Are you pregnant?
Get back in. Nope. No, no, no, no, no.
- [radio chatter]
- [cheering]
Walk this line. - OK.
- Touch your nose.
[sniffs]
- Yes, queen! Yes, Rachel!
- Whoo!
- Step, touch. Step, touch.
Get back in line.
So the twos come forward...
- GIRL: Oh.
- ...and the ones go back.
- Oh.
Pivot, step! Pivot, step!
- Pivot, step.
- Five, six, seven, eight!
Step, touch, step, touch, step, touch!
Get ready to pivot, and pivot!
Step, pivot, step.
Step, touch, step, snort the coke.
And snort it, snort it, snort it, down.
And back up, back up.
- [girl sighs]
- [claps]
- I love... You love me.
- [cheering]
- Oh, my God.
- CLEMENTINE: You know what?
If you have room for me, like,
can we go to Tahoe or something?
- GIRL: Yes.
- CLEMENTINE: OK. All right, all right.
- GIRL: Three-way kiss.
[girls whooshing]
- Well, I just moved
and all this paperwork is drowning me!
I've gotta change my address
with the post office, do my bills,
and re-register as a sex offender.
Who's got time for all of this?
- Sounds to me
like you need a little bit of magic.
Remember when you used
to have to go downtown,
get in a huge line
with all of Reno's tens of thousands
of sex offenders...
and wait, and wait?
Well, now it’s all right here
in the Reno Sheriff's Department App
available for your smartphone or tablet.
Just click the icon that says
"Get me registered",
and that'll take you to the scroll wheel
where you can choose your classifications.
Violent sex offender.
Non-violent sex offender.
Peeping Tom. Flasher. Pedophile.
Agalmatophiliac. Katoptronophiliac.
Person who puts their penis in mailboxes.
Roof pooper. Peek-a-dude.
Click as many as apply.
And pick a fun avatar.
That will show up on the app
as we and any other citizen
track your every movement.
- It was so easy!
It's all in the palm of my hand.
[both laughing]