Reno 911! (2003–2009): Season 7, Episode 23 - Cats-ident - full transcript
The officers investigate the scene of a tragic train crash. Lieutenant Dangle films a PSA on elderly abuse.
- In order to, uh, to get certified
to use a Taser,
you have to get tasered.
So... - TRAVIS: [laughing]
- ...we got Garcia here.
But you got to loosen up here.
He's gonna get tasered in...
- I don't know why it has to be me.
- ALL: [chanting] Taser day!
Taser day! Taser day!
- How about I tase your face?
- No! No! Lord, please!
- [chuckles] Of course, I'm not gonna...
Wait, are we good?
- No, I won't.
- Loosen up!
- I would never... Come on!
- I'll pull in the towels
in case of poopy time.
- Did you shit already?
- Did you shit or anything?
- No! Nobody told me to.
- Oh, you should shit.
- Hey! I'm... I'm behind this.
If he's gonna evacuate himself,
I don't wanna be here.
- Well, he's got...
- You got your boots on?
You got your boots on.
- All right. Ready?
- I know I'm not getting tasered today
but I did take
a really big shit this morning.
So... - Okay.
- Just for the record, if anyone needs
to write anything down about that.
- Should I do it? Should I do it?
- ALL: [chanting] Tase her face!
Tase her face! Tase her face!
- That was so sad. Oh, my God!
- TRAVIS: Yeah.
- I was half hoping you would just do it.
- I know.
God, that was... Jesus Christ!
- CHERISHA: [chuckles] Aw!
- That might have been the saddest thing
I've ever seen.
- All right, ready?
- TRAVIS: All right. Loosen up.
You can do it.
- Now I'm really gonna do it.
With no warning. Now... [exclaims]
- TRAVIS: That's so confusing.
- [electricity crackling]
- Oh!
- Oh. Dang it! Dang it!
[groans] Dang it! He's arcing.
Am I not supposed to keep doing that?
- ALL: No, no, no!
- What time did the train come through?
Does anybody know?
- Hey, guys, let me get a shot of you
before we get into the whole thing.
- JIM: Okay. Yeah.
- TRUDY: Yeah.
- Get in.
- TRUDY: We hardly ever get
pictures of ourselves.
- Hey, buddy, get this.
- ALL: Cheese!
- Okay, we're good.
- JONES: Ready?
- TRUDY: I was blinking.
- Hey, do me a favor.
Stand there and flag the light.
It's getting... I'm getting
kinda like a shine.
Get over there so your shadow falls on it.
- I think, like, we're really getting
wrapped around the wheel
on taking beautiful photographs.
- Yeah, I don't think they
have to be that nice. I think...
- JACK: Hey, hey, hey! Get in there.
- Hang on, hang on, hang on...
somebody's phone.
Look, look, look. Okay.
- TRUDY: Oh.
- ALL: [exclaiming] Oh!
They're all singing in their cars
in little dress-ups.
- It's like a...
- Ohh!
- ...a little car sing-along thing.
- TRAVIS: That is,
I would guess, Macavity.
- I was gonna say Skimbleshanks.
- No. Skimbleshanks is the railway cat.
- Is this Rum Tum Tugger then?
Or what is this?
- TRUDY: Rum Tum Tugger
would probably be...
- JACK: Why are you naming the guys?
- TRAVIS: I don't know.
- Well, I'm just going off the make up...
Was that there the whole time?
- Yeah.
- JONES: Oh, then what's that?
- That's another full cadaver.
- Is that Snarf?
- One, two, three...
- JIM: Is that Snarf?
What you got? - Bustopher Jones.
- I mean, there's no question. That's him.
- Yeah.
- With his top hat and spats.
Is there ever a version of Rum Tum Tugger
that's, like, sleeveless
'cause he's so sexy?
'Cause I got an unsleeved arm over here.
- You know, I feel, like,
the moral of the story is...
not everyone is built to be able
to wear a unitard.
- Oh, my gosh, you said it.
- I think that's true.
- [stuttering] With great unitard
comes great responsibility.
- Mr. Mistoffelees.
- Mr. Mistoffelees.
- Oh, my God.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
- TRUDY: [gasps]
- JONES: Oh, no!
- TRUDY: No!
No, no, no, no, no!
- TRAVIS: Oh, man!
- God damn it!
[sniffling]
- Why?
- The... the actors in the leotards
are starting to smell like shit.
Let's get them out of here.
- Yeah.
- JIM: You wanna load 'em
or you wanna burn 'em here?
- I guess technically, we're supposed to
probably not burn them on site.
- Hey, Frank, one sec, just go
to color bars for a second.
- Hello. My name is Nora
and I'm 85 years young.
Did you know that in Washoe County,
a senior citizen is the subject
of physical or emotional abuse
every seven minutes?
That means that the...
[stammers] probability is high that...
that you know some...
- No. Stop. Stop!
What's the word?
- Which word?
- [scoffs] The one you fucked up.
- I... Did I... did I...
- You didn't notice that you fucked up?
- No, I didn't notice. I didn't, sorry.
- So you missed the part...
Let me roll back the tape.
[mock rewinds]
The fuck was that?
- In which...
- Probability. "Probability."
- Oh. Oh.
- "Probability."
Now you're scared. You're...
- No. Yes.
- No, no, no. You're not scared of me.
- Oh. No.
- You're just a scared little old lady.
- Yes.
- And somebody's gonna crack you.
- Yes.
- Yeah. Okay. So...
- Okay. [sputters]
- [exhales] He...
- And...
Are you just gonna go whenever you want?
- No, I'm sorry.
No, no, no...
- It's okay. I'm not...
Francisco, I'm not mad at you.
She's just fucking... you're fucking me!
You're fucking me!
Come here. Come here.
Come here. Come here.
Are you crying? - No.
- Okay, don't fucking cry.
- No, I won't.
- I don't want you crying.
- No.
Did you know that in Washoe County,
a senior citizen is the subject
of physical or emotional abuse
every seven minutes?
That means that the...
[stammering] probab...
- Fuck it! Fuck it!
I swear to god, I wanna... I wanna
kill you right now, so bad.
[mimics explosion]
[chuckling]
[mimics explosion]
[grunts and chuckles]
Let's do one just for fun.
...a senior citizen is the subject
of physical or emotional abuse
every seven minutes.
Well, that means that the...
- JIM: Probability.
- [hesitantly] ...probability is high
that you know someone
who has been abused by someone.
- That's why help is always there...
if you call the Reno Sheriff's Department.
Because we care.
We have to care.
♪
[bagpipes playing]
What to call... our feline friend...
whose name we did not know?
When we meet on the other side
of the rainbow bridge...
I will call you "Good kitty".
Good Good kitty.
Go now... into your tenth life.
[bagpipes playing]
Sergeant.
- Company! Attention!
Point up!
Aim! Fire! - [gunshots]
- Aim!
Fire! - [gunshots]
Aim! Fire! - [gunshots]
Aim! Fire! - [gunshots]
Aim! Fire! - [gunshots]
- It's supposed to be 21...
Oh, one more. Twenty-one!
[gunshot]
Right? Got it. - TRUDY: Yeah.
to use a Taser,
you have to get tasered.
So... - TRAVIS: [laughing]
- ...we got Garcia here.
But you got to loosen up here.
He's gonna get tasered in...
- I don't know why it has to be me.
- ALL: [chanting] Taser day!
Taser day! Taser day!
- How about I tase your face?
- No! No! Lord, please!
- [chuckles] Of course, I'm not gonna...
Wait, are we good?
- No, I won't.
- Loosen up!
- I would never... Come on!
- I'll pull in the towels
in case of poopy time.
- Did you shit already?
- Did you shit or anything?
- No! Nobody told me to.
- Oh, you should shit.
- Hey! I'm... I'm behind this.
If he's gonna evacuate himself,
I don't wanna be here.
- Well, he's got...
- You got your boots on?
You got your boots on.
- All right. Ready?
- I know I'm not getting tasered today
but I did take
a really big shit this morning.
So... - Okay.
- Just for the record, if anyone needs
to write anything down about that.
- Should I do it? Should I do it?
- ALL: [chanting] Tase her face!
Tase her face! Tase her face!
- That was so sad. Oh, my God!
- TRAVIS: Yeah.
- I was half hoping you would just do it.
- I know.
God, that was... Jesus Christ!
- CHERISHA: [chuckles] Aw!
- That might have been the saddest thing
I've ever seen.
- All right, ready?
- TRAVIS: All right. Loosen up.
You can do it.
- Now I'm really gonna do it.
With no warning. Now... [exclaims]
- TRAVIS: That's so confusing.
- [electricity crackling]
- Oh!
- Oh. Dang it! Dang it!
[groans] Dang it! He's arcing.
Am I not supposed to keep doing that?
- ALL: No, no, no!
- What time did the train come through?
Does anybody know?
- Hey, guys, let me get a shot of you
before we get into the whole thing.
- JIM: Okay. Yeah.
- TRUDY: Yeah.
- Get in.
- TRUDY: We hardly ever get
pictures of ourselves.
- Hey, buddy, get this.
- ALL: Cheese!
- Okay, we're good.
- JONES: Ready?
- TRUDY: I was blinking.
- Hey, do me a favor.
Stand there and flag the light.
It's getting... I'm getting
kinda like a shine.
Get over there so your shadow falls on it.
- I think, like, we're really getting
wrapped around the wheel
on taking beautiful photographs.
- Yeah, I don't think they
have to be that nice. I think...
- JACK: Hey, hey, hey! Get in there.
- Hang on, hang on, hang on...
somebody's phone.
Look, look, look. Okay.
- TRUDY: Oh.
- ALL: [exclaiming] Oh!
They're all singing in their cars
in little dress-ups.
- It's like a...
- Ohh!
- ...a little car sing-along thing.
- TRAVIS: That is,
I would guess, Macavity.
- I was gonna say Skimbleshanks.
- No. Skimbleshanks is the railway cat.
- Is this Rum Tum Tugger then?
Or what is this?
- TRUDY: Rum Tum Tugger
would probably be...
- JACK: Why are you naming the guys?
- TRAVIS: I don't know.
- Well, I'm just going off the make up...
Was that there the whole time?
- Yeah.
- JONES: Oh, then what's that?
- That's another full cadaver.
- Is that Snarf?
- One, two, three...
- JIM: Is that Snarf?
What you got? - Bustopher Jones.
- I mean, there's no question. That's him.
- Yeah.
- With his top hat and spats.
Is there ever a version of Rum Tum Tugger
that's, like, sleeveless
'cause he's so sexy?
'Cause I got an unsleeved arm over here.
- You know, I feel, like,
the moral of the story is...
not everyone is built to be able
to wear a unitard.
- Oh, my gosh, you said it.
- I think that's true.
- [stuttering] With great unitard
comes great responsibility.
- Mr. Mistoffelees.
- Mr. Mistoffelees.
- Oh, my God.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
- TRUDY: [gasps]
- JONES: Oh, no!
- TRUDY: No!
No, no, no, no, no!
- TRAVIS: Oh, man!
- God damn it!
[sniffling]
- Why?
- The... the actors in the leotards
are starting to smell like shit.
Let's get them out of here.
- Yeah.
- JIM: You wanna load 'em
or you wanna burn 'em here?
- I guess technically, we're supposed to
probably not burn them on site.
- Hey, Frank, one sec, just go
to color bars for a second.
- Hello. My name is Nora
and I'm 85 years young.
Did you know that in Washoe County,
a senior citizen is the subject
of physical or emotional abuse
every seven minutes?
That means that the...
[stammers] probability is high that...
that you know some...
- No. Stop. Stop!
What's the word?
- Which word?
- [scoffs] The one you fucked up.
- I... Did I... did I...
- You didn't notice that you fucked up?
- No, I didn't notice. I didn't, sorry.
- So you missed the part...
Let me roll back the tape.
[mock rewinds]
The fuck was that?
- In which...
- Probability. "Probability."
- Oh. Oh.
- "Probability."
Now you're scared. You're...
- No. Yes.
- No, no, no. You're not scared of me.
- Oh. No.
- You're just a scared little old lady.
- Yes.
- And somebody's gonna crack you.
- Yes.
- Yeah. Okay. So...
- Okay. [sputters]
- [exhales] He...
- And...
Are you just gonna go whenever you want?
- No, I'm sorry.
No, no, no...
- It's okay. I'm not...
Francisco, I'm not mad at you.
She's just fucking... you're fucking me!
You're fucking me!
Come here. Come here.
Come here. Come here.
Are you crying? - No.
- Okay, don't fucking cry.
- No, I won't.
- I don't want you crying.
- No.
Did you know that in Washoe County,
a senior citizen is the subject
of physical or emotional abuse
every seven minutes?
That means that the...
[stammering] probab...
- Fuck it! Fuck it!
I swear to god, I wanna... I wanna
kill you right now, so bad.
[mimics explosion]
[chuckling]
[mimics explosion]
[grunts and chuckles]
Let's do one just for fun.
...a senior citizen is the subject
of physical or emotional abuse
every seven minutes.
Well, that means that the...
- JIM: Probability.
- [hesitantly] ...probability is high
that you know someone
who has been abused by someone.
- That's why help is always there...
if you call the Reno Sheriff's Department.
Because we care.
We have to care.
♪
[bagpipes playing]
What to call... our feline friend...
whose name we did not know?
When we meet on the other side
of the rainbow bridge...
I will call you "Good kitty".
Good Good kitty.
Go now... into your tenth life.
[bagpipes playing]
Sergeant.
- Company! Attention!
Point up!
Aim! Fire! - [gunshots]
- Aim!
Fire! - [gunshots]
Aim! Fire! - [gunshots]
Aim! Fire! - [gunshots]
Aim! Fire! - [gunshots]
- It's supposed to be 21...
Oh, one more. Twenty-one!
[gunshot]
Right? Got it. - TRUDY: Yeah.