Reno 911! (2003–2009): Season 7, Episode 12 - Jackie's Birthday - full transcript
The team's new patrol car arrives and Dangle and Junior check in on Jackie.
- It's here, it's here, it's here!
- Oh, my goodness!
- All right.
- What?
- OK. I thought it would be...
- I thought it would be...
I thought it was like one
of those new, the bigger ones.
- Wow!
- Wow!
- I thought it's gonna be silver
for some reason. - OK.
- Junior's...
- Windows open.
Oh, it a roll-me-down.
- Yeah, we didn't pay for the...
That was an extra package.
- Just roll-it-down.
- I didn't know
they still made roll-me-downs.
It feels kind of like
being in a cat carrier.
- That's right.
- Like I would imagine
being in a cat carrier.
- And also,
I mean, in many ways,
it also looks like it, too.
- Yeah, Yeah.
- So...
- Ignition on.
- Step back 'cause it's probably
gonna start up.
- Step back 'cause it starts.
- Wait. Wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait.
I found it. I found it. I found it.
Ready? - Yup.
Oh, wow.
It sounds kind of like it's apologizing.
- Yeah.
- But...
- Sheriff's Car.
We have a 10-53, officer down.
- What? Shit.
- Requesting backup.
- All right. Got it.
- All right.
- You got this, Junior.
Go get 'em. What's he doing?
- Do we need another cop?
- Oh, my God, it's plugged in.
- It's still plugged in.
- It's still plugged in.
It's still plugged in.
It's still plugged in.
It's still plugged in. It's still
plugged in. It's still plugged in.
- You can do it.
- Almost doing it.
- You can do it. You can do it.
- You know what's amazing about this?
I didn't even know that Senegal made cars.
- They stopped.
- We're lucky we got this one.
- Yeah, they don't... Yeah.
Right, that was ordered
before their recall.
- Oh, man!
- Oh, shit!
- Oh, shit!
- We just back away?
OK. Hang on, hang on.
How do we do this? Hang on.
- OK.
You got my leg. My leg's in your...
- Friend, you gotta move your leg.
- I can't leave my leg.
- Hang on. I gotta...
- You almost missed the whole parade.
- Hey, Jackie, how are you doing today?
- We almost missed the whole parade,
Jackie. No, wait.
- Whole parade!
- Calm down, calm down, calm down.
- What happened to your eyeball?
- Somebody took my glass eye.
- Somebody took your glass eye?
- Yeah, on my birthday.
- You didn't just lose it?
- On my 23rd birthday.
- You didn't just lose it?
- This man, "Can I borrow your eye?"
- I'm gonna look around for the eye, OK?
- And I said,
"Sure, you could borrow my eye,
you poor, fat fuck."
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
- And then he went off with it.
- What color is your eyeball's glass eye?
- How the fuck am I supposed to know?
It's usually in my eye.
I was just getting ready
to start my own business.
I opened up a pet shop. And then,
I had seven...
- You aren't running a pet shop, Jackie.
- There's all kinds of registration
you gotta do. You gotta get a license.
- All right, all right, all right.
- Jackie.
- I had seven rats in a box.
- Jackie.
- And all of them fuckers...
- That's not a pet shop.
- ...all of them fuckers just decided
they had better places to be.
- You know what people called and said
that you were doing?
- What?
- What do you think people call them?
Want to play charades? Ready?
- OK.
Crack pipe.
- How did you get that so fast?
Having sausages for breakfast.
I haven't had sausage for breakfast.
From, like, fifth years...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
- So don't even try.
- You got the wrong lady. You know why?
- I do.
- Because I always do a little bit of meth
and then I do a little bit of this.
But then I always go back to do more meth,
and you skipped that part.
- Do you want to try
to get her on the vehicle. I don't.
- Not really.
- Not really, either.
Jackie, you know what makes me sad?
- What's that?
- You used to at least run sometimes.
- Yeah, well, I'm 23 now.
- I know.
- I don't have the kind of mobility
like I used to.
- OK. Hang on, hang on.
- Hey, this is nice.
This is like a hot tub
without all the water.
...the Fire Department.
Bye, everybody. Bye, Santa.
- So, every year,
the Reno Sheriff's Department
does a toy drive for the kids
at Christmas time.
And this year some sick asshole wrote
"Sex Toy Drive" on the side of the box.
Yeah, hilarious.
So now we get to go through the box
and separate the sex toys
from the real toys.
What's this?
- I mean, I see something obvious,
right here. That's a toy. - OK.
All right.
- That looks like a wallop.
- Yeah.
What is that?
- I know what it is.
- It don't look like
nothing to me.
- I don't know... Put it in the packet.
- We don't want kids to touch that.
- It wasn't even zipped.
- It wasn't zipped. OK. Next.
Disgusting! Disgusting!
- Know what they use that for?
- Yeah.
- Oh, I thought it was... for jump rope
and I always hated that game.
- It was unwrapped...
- Whatever.
Put it in. Yeah.
- ...so it goes in the bio-hazard thing.
- That's fun.
- A gun.
Another nice, fun gun
for the kids to play with.
- That's fun for the kids.
- Right.
- My turn.
- Oh, that's cute.
- That's very cute.
- Although you know what?
I've seen people
fuck bears like this before.
- Yeah. That's true.
- I like it...
- Let's put it in the "Maybe" pile.
- Keep it for the kids.
- Let's put it in the "Maybe" pile.
I could see someone putting that
in their ass.
You guys, another fun gun for the kids.
- That's cute 'cause I like
that it looks like wood.
- This was getting to be
a successful toy drive.
Well, that's elegant.
- Says you stick it up your butt.
- Wait.
I think this is a video game thing.
- Oh, where you try
and fuck the characters?
- Yeah. Something like that.
It says "Super joy stick."
- Like "joy stick."
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Like somebody's dick and stuff.
- Hey, ladies. Has anybody seen
my giggle pistol?
It's like a little multi-colored gun,
and you can put nitrous in it.
And somebody shoots it up your butt
while you jerk off.
Oh, yeah, there it is.
- Is it that orange?
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh, thank you.
Oh, my God!
- Good thing you got here when you did.
- And my dick stretcher.
How did that get in there?
Thank you, guys.
Oh, shit! This reminds me
of my last birthday.
I'm not letting go of this loser.
You better believe that.
- Go. Go, go, go, go, go. Wait for me.
- That son of a bitch flicked my hair.
Oh, hey, Carl. - JIM: Shit.
I'll push it. You stay, I'll push.
You stay and I'll push.
- All right.
- She didn't look so good...
- You stay.
- ...the last time I saw her.
I gotta be honest with you.
She's gotta keep taking those pills
for rickets.
- Turn it, turn it. There we go.
Will it start if I jump in?
- Yep. I got it.
- You got it?
- Hey, this isn't a birthday parade.
Shit. It stalled again.
- Stalled. Well, we're going down...
- ...goin' on our way.
- Oh, my goodness!
- All right.
- What?
- OK. I thought it would be...
- I thought it would be...
I thought it was like one
of those new, the bigger ones.
- Wow!
- Wow!
- I thought it's gonna be silver
for some reason. - OK.
- Junior's...
- Windows open.
Oh, it a roll-me-down.
- Yeah, we didn't pay for the...
That was an extra package.
- Just roll-it-down.
- I didn't know
they still made roll-me-downs.
It feels kind of like
being in a cat carrier.
- That's right.
- Like I would imagine
being in a cat carrier.
- And also,
I mean, in many ways,
it also looks like it, too.
- Yeah, Yeah.
- So...
- Ignition on.
- Step back 'cause it's probably
gonna start up.
- Step back 'cause it starts.
- Wait. Wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait.
I found it. I found it. I found it.
Ready? - Yup.
Oh, wow.
It sounds kind of like it's apologizing.
- Yeah.
- But...
- Sheriff's Car.
We have a 10-53, officer down.
- What? Shit.
- Requesting backup.
- All right. Got it.
- All right.
- You got this, Junior.
Go get 'em. What's he doing?
- Do we need another cop?
- Oh, my God, it's plugged in.
- It's still plugged in.
- It's still plugged in.
It's still plugged in.
It's still plugged in.
It's still plugged in. It's still
plugged in. It's still plugged in.
- You can do it.
- Almost doing it.
- You can do it. You can do it.
- You know what's amazing about this?
I didn't even know that Senegal made cars.
- They stopped.
- We're lucky we got this one.
- Yeah, they don't... Yeah.
Right, that was ordered
before their recall.
- Oh, man!
- Oh, shit!
- Oh, shit!
- We just back away?
OK. Hang on, hang on.
How do we do this? Hang on.
- OK.
You got my leg. My leg's in your...
- Friend, you gotta move your leg.
- I can't leave my leg.
- Hang on. I gotta...
- You almost missed the whole parade.
- Hey, Jackie, how are you doing today?
- We almost missed the whole parade,
Jackie. No, wait.
- Whole parade!
- Calm down, calm down, calm down.
- What happened to your eyeball?
- Somebody took my glass eye.
- Somebody took your glass eye?
- Yeah, on my birthday.
- You didn't just lose it?
- On my 23rd birthday.
- You didn't just lose it?
- This man, "Can I borrow your eye?"
- I'm gonna look around for the eye, OK?
- And I said,
"Sure, you could borrow my eye,
you poor, fat fuck."
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
- And then he went off with it.
- What color is your eyeball's glass eye?
- How the fuck am I supposed to know?
It's usually in my eye.
I was just getting ready
to start my own business.
I opened up a pet shop. And then,
I had seven...
- You aren't running a pet shop, Jackie.
- There's all kinds of registration
you gotta do. You gotta get a license.
- All right, all right, all right.
- Jackie.
- I had seven rats in a box.
- Jackie.
- And all of them fuckers...
- That's not a pet shop.
- ...all of them fuckers just decided
they had better places to be.
- You know what people called and said
that you were doing?
- What?
- What do you think people call them?
Want to play charades? Ready?
- OK.
Crack pipe.
- How did you get that so fast?
Having sausages for breakfast.
I haven't had sausage for breakfast.
From, like, fifth years...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
- So don't even try.
- You got the wrong lady. You know why?
- I do.
- Because I always do a little bit of meth
and then I do a little bit of this.
But then I always go back to do more meth,
and you skipped that part.
- Do you want to try
to get her on the vehicle. I don't.
- Not really.
- Not really, either.
Jackie, you know what makes me sad?
- What's that?
- You used to at least run sometimes.
- Yeah, well, I'm 23 now.
- I know.
- I don't have the kind of mobility
like I used to.
- OK. Hang on, hang on.
- Hey, this is nice.
This is like a hot tub
without all the water.
...the Fire Department.
Bye, everybody. Bye, Santa.
- So, every year,
the Reno Sheriff's Department
does a toy drive for the kids
at Christmas time.
And this year some sick asshole wrote
"Sex Toy Drive" on the side of the box.
Yeah, hilarious.
So now we get to go through the box
and separate the sex toys
from the real toys.
What's this?
- I mean, I see something obvious,
right here. That's a toy. - OK.
All right.
- That looks like a wallop.
- Yeah.
What is that?
- I know what it is.
- It don't look like
nothing to me.
- I don't know... Put it in the packet.
- We don't want kids to touch that.
- It wasn't even zipped.
- It wasn't zipped. OK. Next.
Disgusting! Disgusting!
- Know what they use that for?
- Yeah.
- Oh, I thought it was... for jump rope
and I always hated that game.
- It was unwrapped...
- Whatever.
Put it in. Yeah.
- ...so it goes in the bio-hazard thing.
- That's fun.
- A gun.
Another nice, fun gun
for the kids to play with.
- That's fun for the kids.
- Right.
- My turn.
- Oh, that's cute.
- That's very cute.
- Although you know what?
I've seen people
fuck bears like this before.
- Yeah. That's true.
- I like it...
- Let's put it in the "Maybe" pile.
- Keep it for the kids.
- Let's put it in the "Maybe" pile.
I could see someone putting that
in their ass.
You guys, another fun gun for the kids.
- That's cute 'cause I like
that it looks like wood.
- This was getting to be
a successful toy drive.
Well, that's elegant.
- Says you stick it up your butt.
- Wait.
I think this is a video game thing.
- Oh, where you try
and fuck the characters?
- Yeah. Something like that.
It says "Super joy stick."
- Like "joy stick."
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Like somebody's dick and stuff.
- Hey, ladies. Has anybody seen
my giggle pistol?
It's like a little multi-colored gun,
and you can put nitrous in it.
And somebody shoots it up your butt
while you jerk off.
Oh, yeah, there it is.
- Is it that orange?
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh, thank you.
Oh, my God!
- Good thing you got here when you did.
- And my dick stretcher.
How did that get in there?
Thank you, guys.
Oh, shit! This reminds me
of my last birthday.
I'm not letting go of this loser.
You better believe that.
- Go. Go, go, go, go, go. Wait for me.
- That son of a bitch flicked my hair.
Oh, hey, Carl. - JIM: Shit.
I'll push it. You stay, I'll push.
You stay and I'll push.
- All right.
- She didn't look so good...
- You stay.
- ...the last time I saw her.
I gotta be honest with you.
She's gotta keep taking those pills
for rickets.
- Turn it, turn it. There we go.
Will it start if I jump in?
- Yep. I got it.
- You got it?
- Hey, this isn't a birthday parade.
Shit. It stalled again.
- Stalled. Well, we're going down...
- ...goin' on our way.