Reno 911! (2003–2009): Season 7, Episode 10 - The Return of Diablo - full transcript
Officers Johnson questions a DUI detainee. Meanwhile, The department receives an immediate action call from ICE.
- So, we give a lot of tickets
for people doing stuff...
...like jerking off in public
and things you shouldn't really do.
So today we thought we'd do
a new program that we call
"Operation Frown Upside Down."
We were going to do that together but...
- Yeah, that's fine.
- We are gonna give this man a ticket...
but a ticket to...
a movie! - A movie!
- It's called Book Club Bandit$.
And get this, the "s" is a dollar sign.
- And it's staring Jennifer Lopez,
and Awkwafina who I absolutely love.
- Watch us blow this guy's mind.
Sheriff's Department.
Back away from my car!
Holy shit!
- Sir, I'm trying to give you
free popcorn, you motherfucker!
- Good morning, prince charming.
You remember why we pulled you in here?
- You wanna remind me, blue eyes?
- You flunked a field sobriety test
and we impounded your Harley.
- Oh, shit.
Can I ask you a question?
- Sure.
- Are you really a cop,
or are you a movie star
doing research to play a cop?
- Yeah, listen, there's no need
to flirt with me, all right?
Even though, you do tick off about...
three of the boxes
of the type of guy I like.
- If I could do magic,
I'd put you and me in a genie bottle,
cast us off to sea,
and have us wash up in Los Cabos...
mid-December...
- ...blue whale migration season.
- Exactly.
Whisk off to Sammy Hagar's
for some peel-and-eat shrimp
and some clamato margatinis.
- You had me at "clamahto" margatinis.
- You say "clamahto," I say "clamayto."
- And you know what I would say
if I were a blue whale?
- Come on!
- This time for real.
There you go!
All right. Do it again!
- Pretty good. Pretty good.
- Pretty good. Pretty good.
- You know who can't shoot like that?
- Yeah.
- Spark's Department. Fuck those guys.
- Fuck those guys.
- I think that's a lucky shirt.
- Yeah.
You know where he got this?
He goes to the lads section,
the boys section...
- Yeah, large boys.
- Large boys...
He points to the three mannequins...
- Sold, sold, sold, and he walks out.
- Like a millionaire.
- You look a regular Magnum P.I.
over there.
- And then Donny Junior
can use them after.
- No, but you wear a smedium.
- He's a husky smedium, yeah.
- Husky smedium.
- But you know, most Americans...
- Hey, you guys, I forgot to tell you.
I bought a new turtleneck.
- These are men's shoes.
- Yeah, we figured.
- You remember I warned you, right?
- It's okay, baby.
We all have white friends.
- Yeah. Wait, just a second.
Hello.
Yes, sir.
- It's about work.
- Yes, sir.
No. We are actually off duty today, sir.
- It's ICE.
- Oh, shit!
- It's ICE. It's Immigration... Yes, sir.
The Immigration?
- We would love to.
You know, we are not allowed to do backup
on Immigration raids.
Them snowflakes on the City Council,
them goddamn libtards...
- Ordinance 42!
- Ordinance 42.
And then the goddamn snowflakes
they voted for it,
and we are a sanctuary county.
Yes, sir. OK, wait just a second.
I'll let you speak to my supervisor.
- No, I don't wanna talk!
Losers! I haven't even
finished my hot dog.
- Hello, this is Lieutenant Dangle.
- What are you doing?
- It's...
- No, no, no!
- Here.
- Shit, shit, shit!
- Hello, this is Carol Wiegel. Yes.
- Fuck, that's her real last name!
That's her actual name!
- No. We're very busy actually
because we just found a whole...
bunch of dead bodies.
- Carol, we need you.
- Hold on, please.
Someone's calling me by my name.
- Carol.
- Yes, this Carol. Can I help you?
- You need to play it out.
- Get the phone...
- It turns out it was nothing. Anyway...
- Just get it from her!
- Carol?
- I think I lost him.
- Then we good.
- Maria...
- At the Comida Mart.
- Why don't you have a wedding ring?
- I had one.
But I messed up.
I think I got hitched a little too early.
Then we had us a little girl and...
- Well, kids ruin everything.
I didn't know my dad.
Anyway, all I know about him is...
he's really hot, and he had...
the strangest tattoo.
It said "Fuck Newt Gingrich."
Right here.
"Fuck Newt Gingrich."
- Did you say "Fuck Newt Gingrich?"
- Yes.
- You mean like this
"Fuck Newt Gingrich" tattoo?
- Gross.
- I guess some of that
got awful weird, huh?
- It's fine.
- Well, I didn't know
you was my little girl.
- Yeah, we didn't know!
- We didn't know.
- Anything I said to you as a whale,
I take back.
- I'm sorry, baby.
I'm sorry I was a deadbeat.
You know that Harley I got parked outside?
I want you to have it.
- No, I can't let you do that.
Are you sure?
- Okay. I'm su...
Baby, you gotta let me do this for you.
- "Fuck Newt Gingrich."
That's what it says.
- Yeah, fuck him for all time.
- How do you like my new bike?
That wasn't my dad.
I'm not that gross, come on!
I saw that tattoo when he was booked,
and I thought, "Well, I'm gonna have
a little fun with him."
And just for the record, my dad owns
an erotic puppet theater in Tallahassee,
and has to stay at least a 1000 yards away
from me at all times.
for people doing stuff...
...like jerking off in public
and things you shouldn't really do.
So today we thought we'd do
a new program that we call
"Operation Frown Upside Down."
We were going to do that together but...
- Yeah, that's fine.
- We are gonna give this man a ticket...
but a ticket to...
a movie! - A movie!
- It's called Book Club Bandit$.
And get this, the "s" is a dollar sign.
- And it's staring Jennifer Lopez,
and Awkwafina who I absolutely love.
- Watch us blow this guy's mind.
Sheriff's Department.
Back away from my car!
Holy shit!
- Sir, I'm trying to give you
free popcorn, you motherfucker!
- Good morning, prince charming.
You remember why we pulled you in here?
- You wanna remind me, blue eyes?
- You flunked a field sobriety test
and we impounded your Harley.
- Oh, shit.
Can I ask you a question?
- Sure.
- Are you really a cop,
or are you a movie star
doing research to play a cop?
- Yeah, listen, there's no need
to flirt with me, all right?
Even though, you do tick off about...
three of the boxes
of the type of guy I like.
- If I could do magic,
I'd put you and me in a genie bottle,
cast us off to sea,
and have us wash up in Los Cabos...
mid-December...
- ...blue whale migration season.
- Exactly.
Whisk off to Sammy Hagar's
for some peel-and-eat shrimp
and some clamato margatinis.
- You had me at "clamahto" margatinis.
- You say "clamahto," I say "clamayto."
- And you know what I would say
if I were a blue whale?
- Come on!
- This time for real.
There you go!
All right. Do it again!
- Pretty good. Pretty good.
- Pretty good. Pretty good.
- You know who can't shoot like that?
- Yeah.
- Spark's Department. Fuck those guys.
- Fuck those guys.
- I think that's a lucky shirt.
- Yeah.
You know where he got this?
He goes to the lads section,
the boys section...
- Yeah, large boys.
- Large boys...
He points to the three mannequins...
- Sold, sold, sold, and he walks out.
- Like a millionaire.
- You look a regular Magnum P.I.
over there.
- And then Donny Junior
can use them after.
- No, but you wear a smedium.
- He's a husky smedium, yeah.
- Husky smedium.
- But you know, most Americans...
- Hey, you guys, I forgot to tell you.
I bought a new turtleneck.
- These are men's shoes.
- Yeah, we figured.
- You remember I warned you, right?
- It's okay, baby.
We all have white friends.
- Yeah. Wait, just a second.
Hello.
Yes, sir.
- It's about work.
- Yes, sir.
No. We are actually off duty today, sir.
- It's ICE.
- Oh, shit!
- It's ICE. It's Immigration... Yes, sir.
The Immigration?
- We would love to.
You know, we are not allowed to do backup
on Immigration raids.
Them snowflakes on the City Council,
them goddamn libtards...
- Ordinance 42!
- Ordinance 42.
And then the goddamn snowflakes
they voted for it,
and we are a sanctuary county.
Yes, sir. OK, wait just a second.
I'll let you speak to my supervisor.
- No, I don't wanna talk!
Losers! I haven't even
finished my hot dog.
- Hello, this is Lieutenant Dangle.
- What are you doing?
- It's...
- No, no, no!
- Here.
- Shit, shit, shit!
- Hello, this is Carol Wiegel. Yes.
- Fuck, that's her real last name!
That's her actual name!
- No. We're very busy actually
because we just found a whole...
bunch of dead bodies.
- Carol, we need you.
- Hold on, please.
Someone's calling me by my name.
- Carol.
- Yes, this Carol. Can I help you?
- You need to play it out.
- Get the phone...
- It turns out it was nothing. Anyway...
- Just get it from her!
- Carol?
- I think I lost him.
- Then we good.
- Maria...
- At the Comida Mart.
- Why don't you have a wedding ring?
- I had one.
But I messed up.
I think I got hitched a little too early.
Then we had us a little girl and...
- Well, kids ruin everything.
I didn't know my dad.
Anyway, all I know about him is...
he's really hot, and he had...
the strangest tattoo.
It said "Fuck Newt Gingrich."
Right here.
"Fuck Newt Gingrich."
- Did you say "Fuck Newt Gingrich?"
- Yes.
- You mean like this
"Fuck Newt Gingrich" tattoo?
- Gross.
- I guess some of that
got awful weird, huh?
- It's fine.
- Well, I didn't know
you was my little girl.
- Yeah, we didn't know!
- We didn't know.
- Anything I said to you as a whale,
I take back.
- I'm sorry, baby.
I'm sorry I was a deadbeat.
You know that Harley I got parked outside?
I want you to have it.
- No, I can't let you do that.
Are you sure?
- Okay. I'm su...
Baby, you gotta let me do this for you.
- "Fuck Newt Gingrich."
That's what it says.
- Yeah, fuck him for all time.
- How do you like my new bike?
That wasn't my dad.
I'm not that gross, come on!
I saw that tattoo when he was booked,
and I thought, "Well, I'm gonna have
a little fun with him."
And just for the record, my dad owns
an erotic puppet theater in Tallahassee,
and has to stay at least a 1000 yards away
from me at all times.