Reno 911! (2003–2009): Season 6, Episode 8 - Helping Mayor Hernandez - full transcript
[Siren]
Oh, hey.
What you got there?
Uh, noth--It's
a Blu-Ray disk system.
A Blu-Ray disk system, huh?
Yeah?
Is it worth going to
jail for that--For
a $700 DVD player?
700? No, man. They
dropped these down
To, like, 250,
269 right now.
No!
Oh, yeah. These is
cheap as hell.
Now, if I watch Blu-Rays
on my tube...
[siren]
Is it gonna
have letterbox,
Or is it gonna be
full frame like standard?
OK, now, if what you
asked for was a 16x9...
Wiegel: hey, guys.
I do not know.
Hello, officer.
Wiegel: hi.
Man: hey.
Wiegel: what
you got there?
Oh, a little
Blu-Ray player.
Brand-new Blu-Ray player.
Oh, a Blu-Ray player.
Hey, I got a question.
Yeah.
Do those things play
on plasmas or just CRTs?
No, no. These play
on plasma, CRTs, DLPs...
He says--
LCDs, any kind of
format you have.
How much did you pay
for that one right there?
Oh, this one right here?
Yeah.
Oh, this was free for me.
I stole it.
Uh!
Hey, junior?
Yeah?
You still got that
8-Track tape player?
Yeah. I don't think those will
work on a Blu-Ray, though.
Oh. Shit
Captioning made possible by
MTV networks
Son of a bitch.
God damn it!
[Tires screeching]
They all have guns!
Ow!
Aah! Aah!
[Siren]
[Click click]
Who did that?
Uh, hey, Rizzo?
Yes, sir.
Are you--Are you
using metric on your
evidence bags?
Metric? Am I using
metric on my--
Sometimes--This
isn't me.
This was from
internal affairs.
Sent me a memo that
said sometimes a couple
of evidence bags
Have come through
where the amount of
whatever was in it
Didn't match what
it was labeled as.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm using metric.
You're using metric?
Yeah. I was using metric.
Which is the other
one, right?
The other one, yeah.
OK. Just because they
didn't match up.
Oh, OK.
How many are metric? 4?
Dangle: as long
as it matches.
If it says you've got
a bag of something and--
Yeah, yeah. Sure, sure.
Dangle: it's not me.
It's the people--
I get it.
I honestly don't care.
That's not a problem.
It's not a problem.
Oh. I have the results
from lice check yesterday.
Do you want me to read
who does or who doesn't?
Who does. Who does.
The shorter is
who don't, OK?
And it says a lot about
black hair. You don't.
Way to go. Uh,
everybody else, zzz.
We're doing
mandatories today.
Mandatory what?
Zzz. Heads and pubes.
So who's doing
the shaving?
It doesn't matter.
I want to know who's
doing the shaving.
It doesn't matter.
It matters. Why won't
you answer the question?
It doesn't matter,
but the results are in,
And it's almost everybody,
and I'm doing the shaving.
Rizzo: if you're doing
the shaving, can we see
The official doctor's
results of the lie test?
Dangle: I don't
have it here.
I don't have it here.
I remembered.
It's on my desk.
It's in a big pile
of stuff on my desk.
Nobody's--
Travis: oh, man. Little
boy who cried lice.
I ain't getting shaved.
Rizzo: no, neither am I.
Travis: because you said we
had to shave our pubes
for chiggers two weeks ago.
Jim--
That ain't true.
Why don't you just turn
it into a witch hunt?
Wait. What did
you just say?
How dare you.
What did you
just say?
All: chiggers.
Chiggers.
Dangle: chigger. Please.
[Siren]
Hey! Hey,
chickadee, come here.
Wow!
Wow! How are you?
Frank, right?
That's right.
I think we had
a good practice.
I'm sorry you missed it.
Oh, I am, too. You know I'm
usually there, you know.
Yeah.
I'll tell you, did Frankie Jr.
And Isabella also practice?
Oh, the Rizzo kids?
They're doing good.
They're having a real
good time.
Are they? The drills are
going well? They're going
through the cones OK?
Nah. They don't do
the cones so great,
you know.
There are several
skill sets that we
really need to work on
With Frank Jr.
And Izzy.
It's funny you bring this up.
This is why I'm here.
You know, game time.
Let's talk about game
time for a little bit.
Sure. OK.
Well, I tell you, you know,
the kids are not playing
as much game time,
Not playing the game as
much as I'd like to see them,
And you know, they're not
coming home very happy.
Listen, they get out
there once per game, OK?
That's the guarantee
we make every parent.
The Peterson kid is
out there more than
once a game.
He's out there
the whole game.
Don't throw the
Peterson kid out
there as an example.
I'm pulling
the Peterson card.
You know very well
that Tim Peterson
is terminal.
OK. Because the
child is dying...
Right.
We are allowing
the child to play
A little bit more
soccer than we
normally would...
Fine.
Given his skill
level.
Let--Look. Let the
dying kid play soccer.
I get it.
I'm with you on that.
All right, good.
Frank is making a lot of
progress down there.
He's not one of our
strongest players.
That's just a fact.
I don't--I know I'm
misunderstanding,
Because I thought you were
calling my kid a sissy.
I don't think that's
what you were doing.
I never said that word.
He's not a sissy.
He's just a fearful,
frightened, violent boy.
Chupacabra!: Yi yi yi!
OK, we're back
In chupacabra cuckoo-rico,
cuckoo-rico.
[Speaking Spanish]
[Speaking Spanish]
[Speaking Spanish]
Mira a usted.
[Singing in Spanish]
A bear. Declan,
you are a bear.
[Speaking Spanish]
Mounts on top of
this little puny--To
make sex with him.
Hey!
Hey! There are no temples
hanging from ceilings
For you to come to want to
eat them like food hanging
from a tree.
You are a bear. Don't you
hit me with that phone.
Don't you hit me with that
phone. This is my house.
Yipe! Aah!
[Speaking Spanish]
And let's go to the music.
Chupacabra: Aah! Aah!
OK.
Chupa!
Calm yourself.
You all right?
That was great.
That was great radio.
Thank you so much.
"Star Wars trumpet.
Look it up.
Her name is Kristen--
Kristen--Stacey Hedger.
And she plays it
with her...
Stacey Hedger.
Vagina?
No, no, no, no, no.
She plays it with her mouth.
No, it's still amazing.
What's she doing with
her vagina?
Nothing. Nothing.
She plays trumpet.
It's on Youtube?
[Telephone rings]
Yeah. Mayor Hernandez.
Why would he be calling me?
Hola. Buenos dias.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Slow down. Mayor Hernandez,
I don't understand you.
Sierra Arms. Sierra Arms
motor lodge. We're on our way.
Yeah.
We are on our way
right now. Shit.
Getting rid
of a hooker?
Yup.
Shit.
Guess what.
Quick stop at
the hardware store?
Same shit,
different day.
Oh, you know what?
I think we still have
bleach in the trunk.
Do we?
I do.
Do we have the...
Nope. Hardware store.
Hardware store.
[Whispering]
mayor Hernandez.
Oh, my heroes.
Come on in.
Dangle:
calm down. It's OK. It's
OK. We know the drill.
We know the drill.
We've done it before.
We get her in the tub.
We get this down.
Boom, boom, boom.
Zip, zip, zip.
Bleach, bleach,
bleach, trunk,
trunk, trunk, out.
No, no. The hooker's
not dead, man.
She's not dead?
You said get rid of
a hooker.
I married her, man.
I fucking married her.
Oh.
No, no, no. You're
already married.
No, no, no.
I'm already married.
Bunny will freak
out.
I'm already married,
man. She's gonna
fucking kill me, man.
Woman: aah!
[Shouting in Spanish]
Are you crazy?
I love you. No!
She's crazy!
Aah!
Aah!
[Shouting]
No, no, no.
Woman: you never
loved me!
[Shouting]
I love him.
I'm sure you do.
I love him.
Be nice to her.
Be nice to her.
Do you remember
last night?
I don't--I don't--
Do you remember it?
I don't.
Yes, you do.
Yes, you do.
I taped it all.
I taped it all.
I taped it all.
Ow! She's biting me! Aah!
All: aah!
I need a favor, Jones.
I'm gonna go talk to
the soccer coach, OK?
This is all I need
you to do.
Just hold this
bat for me.
For what? What am I--
Why am I holding--
Don't worry about for what.
Just because you're a big
black guy and you're scary.
I can say that because
I'm not racist.
Hey! Hey, chickadee.
Oh, hi, Frank.
How are you, man?
I'm good. How are you?
Good to see you.
You just pop up at
the strangest times.
Oh, you know, I like
to be involved in
my kids' life.
Coach Brad,
how are you?
Jonesy, how are you?
How you doing? Great
to see you, dude.
Likewise. Likewise.
Listen, listen,
listen, listen.
Frankie came back after you
played the Panda Bears...
Yeah. Great game.
Real great game.
Yeah. Well, you guys
won, and that's the most
important thing.
Jones:
yeah, we did.
They were undefeated
going in.
It was beautiful.
It was beautiful.
That Peterson kid--
You need to--
Listen to me.
Listen to me.
Wasn't he amazing?
Oh, it was incredible.
Man, I cried.
Yeah. A lot of people did.
These are regulation
balls.
What are you doing?
What--
This is--
I--I--
Rizzo:
now listen to me!
I apologize.
You're gonna tell
your team--
Your team to foul
the other team and
trip them
So my son can score
a goal!
And if you don't
get that other team
to cheat,
Something else very bad
is gonna happen
Besides parking tickets!
I understand what
you're saying to me.
You're being very,
very clear.
You're making threats.
I believe you will follow
through on them.
I have no doubt
that you will.
But I'm gonna tell you
this and make it very clear.
Yeah?
Frank Jr. Is a very bad soccer
player even for his age.
Fuck you! Come on.
Let's go. Fuck you.
It would be a betrayal
of my responsibilities
as coach...
Rizzo: yeah, your
responsibilities.
For me to put in
a weak player.
Wiegel: this is Cindy.
She's, um--She works here
At the Reno sheriff's
department now.
We sort of rescued her.
She was a sex slave.
Am I saying that right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. She used to have sex.
You know, I so
appreciate work for you.
Oh, we're so glad
to have you.
And I'm so surprised they
let a 16-year-old boy work
as a policeman,
But I know that
one day, you're going to
be very strong and--
She says that because I
have a little bit
Of a mustache--Just
a slight mustache.
[Whispering]
oh, she a girl?
That's a girl.
Uh--Yeah, I mean
a beautiful,
beautiful lady boy.
No, it's--You know
what? It's a--
A lot of people make
that mistake.
I have a very
large pubic mound.
[Screaming]
Everybody calm down.
Calm down, everybody!
Shit!
OK, everybody's cool?
What's your name, baby?
Hey.
Auria.
Auria?
Travis: Auria. Beautiful--
Gloria! God, you get--
Aah!
Aah!
Dangle: she's going
for the gun! No!
[Gunshots]
Shit, shit, shit.
No, no, no.
We're not gonna shoot
at anybody today.
Gloria? Gloria?
Gloria?
What?
Do we shoot people we love?
Sometimes.
Sometimes.
Say no more!
Aah!
Oh! Oh, my god! She's biting.
She's biting. She's biting.
She's biting.
Listen, you got to go.
I don't want to go
anywhere.
You got to go.
I don't want to go..
I'm gonna kill you
if you don't go.
You kill me.
I want to die in your arms.
You want to die in my arms?
You might.
In your arms.
Get her. Get her.
Go to sleep now.
Night night.
Got to--
Aah!
Get her! Get her!
In. In. There we go.
Aah! No!
Get her!
In we go.
No!
Here we go. Here we go.
Wiegel: it's an exciting day
here at the Reno sheriff's
department.
The new Japanese gun
belts are here!
Yay! Fresh off
the boat.
State-of-the-art
Nadgata belt.
It's 12 ounces.
You got a taser,
two clips, nerve gas,
GPS, ultraviolet light
For forensic blood testing
in the field, aluminum
handcuffs.
Sank you a-velly much.
All right, what do you say?
Let's strap it on.
Whoo hoo! Going
for a ride.
Oh.
Sure is a--
Dear god.
Maximum waist
size 26 inches.
Huh? Huh huh, bam.
It's cute, huh?
Get me into this thing.
No. You're gonna hurt yourself.
It's not--It's not--No. Hey.
Hey, hey, hey!
I just cracked a rib.
Gloria: I'm dying.
Dangle: you're not dying.
If I pull you out
of these wet towels,
will you stop biting?
Yes.
And be a lady?
I'm a lady.
Are you gonna
act like a lady?
Yes.
How would you like
35 US Dollars to
Walk out of
here right now?
Hernandez: that's a lot.
That's a lot...
$35.
Hernandez:
where you come from.
Don't talk to me
like that. $35?
$35?
Hernandez: take it.
Dangle: we get you
a bus ticket.
We send you someplace
beautiful where
you become
The Doppler radar girl,
Or we douse you in bleach,
cover you with towels,
And get you out of here
and set you on fire.
Hernandez:
take the first one.
Gloria: I'll fucking kill you.
[Siren]
Right here. Here it is.
Here it is. Sheriff's
department!
Sheriff's department.
What happened?
How are you?
Wiegel: we came as fast
as we could.
Nice to see you.
Wiegel, right? Yeah.
Yeah.
Rizzo, how are you?
Hey, how are you?
Nice to see you
guys. Come on in.
What's the emergency?
There was a robbery.
Let me get you something
to drink, though.
Wait, wait, wait.
We don't need anything
to drink.
There was a robbery.
Did they just recently--
Yeah. Breaking and
entering--Y'all ought
to write this down.
There was a breaking and
entering, 10-40, whatever
you call those.
Yeah.
And a forceful entry,
And I think I might have been
accosted or something.
You think you might
have been accosted.
On the other hand,
today is my birthday.
Happy birthday.
Yeah? I turn 40
October 13.
I just wanted
a little company,
And maybe it was a raccoon,
or it could have been--
Hold on. Glen, excuse
me. It's October 17.
That's the date.
October 17 is the date.
You missed
your birthday.
It was a couple
of days ago.
This is--Your cocoa
bear shit cake is
all for naught.
Happy birthday.
No, no. No, no.
No, you know what?
I'm already 40.
It's close enough.
It's close enough.
You know what I did
for my birthday?
I got stung by a bee
and passed out in my cabin.
That's where the day went.
Go away!
It's my favorite
kind of thing.
It is October 13.
Today actually is
his birthday.
It is his birthday.
That was a good one, Trudy.
You're good.
Lonely motherfucker.
I just like that there's
someone out there
That's more lonely
than me.
Mm-Hmm.
This is gonna
have to stop.
Can I tell you something?
I'm beginning to
feel harassed.
Uh-Oh. Snagle-Puss
is upset.
I'm not
harassing you.
OK.
I'm not harassing you.
I'm making sure
that you're getting
home safely
To 116 Elm Street.
116 Elm Street? Oh,
I lived there when I
first got married.
It was 6 years ago.
You're not at 116
Elm Street anymore?
No.
Well, wherever
you're going, wherever
that might be,
I wanted to make sure
that you got there
safe, and that's no--
Really?
You had no problems?
I've had no problems.
These streets are
dangerous.
I don't find that.
Yeah. How did the--How
did the practice go?
We had a very good
practice today.
You did?
Yeah. We sure did.
That's terrific.
A lot of the kids are really
coming a long way.
Yeah?
Not Frankie and Izzy,
I have to say.
That's a shame.
Hey, listen. You got
to watch that taillight.
That taillight's out.
Oh, is it?
Yeah, it is.
OK.
Hey, hey! You just
broke the taillight!
No, I didn't.
Whatever's in here,
we got to get rid of.
Oh. Oh. Oh...
Wedding-Slash-Sex.
Oh, my god.
Uh, we're watching
your sex tape.
Gloria: what?
Mr. Mayor.
That's me.
Can you make the
screen bigger?
Dangle: I can't make
the screen any bigger.
This is the size
of the screen.
You can see my leg
in that one part.
Remember that?
You're pulling up--You're
pulling up--
What? I'm pulling out?
You're pulling up to the
drive-through right now.
[Speaking Spanish]
I know that guy. Sergio!
Dangle:
is this like a minister?
Hernandez: that's where
I got married.
That's
where we got married.
It was so romantic.
Travis: these drive-through
chapels just make it too easy.
Dangle: they make it too easy.
No blood test, nothing.
You just go right in.
Give me the beef and cheddar,
motherfucker!
Dangle: OK, this is
not a chapel.
This is, uh, Arby's.
Gloria: what?
Yeah, that's Arby's drinks,
Arby's bags, beef and
cheddars.
Employee: do you want
hash browns?
I do! I do!
I do!
Dangle: yeah.
We're not married?
No, you're not married.
No. You said "I do"
to hash browns.
Yeah. We're gonna
clean you off, get
you in the shower,
And then we will get
you back to Bunny.
Nobody is any the wiser.
We ought to clean
this place up.
You're Latina.
Clean it up. Ha ha ha!
Wiegel:
sheriff's department!
Sheriff's department!
Everybody freeze!
Man: come on in.
Everything's fine.
Everything's fine.
Everything's fine.
We got a domestic
disturbance call.
Everything is fine.
Everything is fine.
I wanted to get
you guys here,
And that was the
best way to do it.
Surprise. I'm giving
you a surprise
sundae party.
Wait, what?
To show my
appreciation for all
the hard work you do.
We got a domestic
disturbance call.
I know, and under,
like, 10 minutes ago,
you guys got here.
Goodness gracious.
It was actually 6.5 minutes
Because we thought maybe
someone was being killed.
Oh, no, no, no,
no, no.
It was, uh, it
was not that at all.
And she did
a great job, right?
Who is she?
She. She's my wife.
She made the call.
She's involved with
amateur theatrics,
And I'll bet she did
a bang-up job.
Where is she?
She--Uh, she's--She
noticed that we were
out of cherries,
And she got in the car
and went to go get
Some cherries
to bring it back
To make it perfect
for you.
Who likes ice cream?
I do.
Ah!
I like ice cream.
Well, there we go!
Let's have a little...
We don't get
appreciated very often.
Hey.
Yes.
You and your wife stop playing
on the damn phone.
We will, I promise,
after this night only.
I wish you had cherries.
Oh, I know, but--
I'm gonna check in here.
Maybe you do--You do
have cherries, right
behind the fridge.
Damn.
Hah!
Was the whipped cream
supposed to blind us?
Yup.
There are no words.
Anytime. Anytime.
Anytime, sir.
You never have to
thank us.
Best mayor we
ever had. OK.
Thank you so much.
God bless you.
Unbelievable.
And if you ever need a
zzz version, you know...
We're in.
We can do that. Hey,
do you guys want to...
No, we're good.
We're fine. We're fine.
Believe me, if Bunny
would have found out,
She would have killed me.
Secret's safe.
Baby?
Mmm.
Let me get cleaned up.
We'll start all over again.
OK, baby. I love you.
We're gonna make love?
Yes. Yes!
Let me go wash myself
up in the sink.
OK. Hurry.
Best mayor we ever had.
By a long shot.
By a long shot.
Yeah.
That Polish guy
was insane.
Oh, no. Criminal.
[Siren]
Dangle: uh, that
about wraps it up
Except we did get
a missing persons report.
That youth soccer coach Brad
Petrie has gone missing,
So if anybody knows the
whereabouts--
His family's very upset and
called asking a bunch of times.
Frank, they asked--
Frank, you don't know
anything about that, do you?
I don't. He might have
just wanted to get away
for a little bit.
Sure.
I'm sure his wife
is worried sick.
I feel bad for the kids.
They don't have a coach.
Yeah. Hell of a good coach.
Hell of a good coach.
Dangle: terrific coach.
I wonder if they'll
get another coach...
Dangle: he'll turn up.
That lets everyone play.
Voice: oh, no.
Someone's in here.
[Elephant trumpets]
First off,
thanks so much.
All those parking
tickets, boom.
They're gone.
OK. That's great.
That's great.
And the other
thing--Settled.
OK, because I thought
he was...
Gonna let her play
with the silent stuff.
I'm pretty sure we
can still fix that.
OK, great.
Hey, is she really
your sister?
Yeah, she's my sister,
but sometimes we still...
OK. I'll see you.
Thanks. Thanks,
chupacabra.
Thank you!
The cocaine deal will happen
On McCarran park
this Thursday at 3:00.
Come on down.
Bring your cocaine.
I will bring the money,
and we will make the transfer.
Oh, hey.
What you got there?
Uh, noth--It's
a Blu-Ray disk system.
A Blu-Ray disk system, huh?
Yeah?
Is it worth going to
jail for that--For
a $700 DVD player?
700? No, man. They
dropped these down
To, like, 250,
269 right now.
No!
Oh, yeah. These is
cheap as hell.
Now, if I watch Blu-Rays
on my tube...
[siren]
Is it gonna
have letterbox,
Or is it gonna be
full frame like standard?
OK, now, if what you
asked for was a 16x9...
Wiegel: hey, guys.
I do not know.
Hello, officer.
Wiegel: hi.
Man: hey.
Wiegel: what
you got there?
Oh, a little
Blu-Ray player.
Brand-new Blu-Ray player.
Oh, a Blu-Ray player.
Hey, I got a question.
Yeah.
Do those things play
on plasmas or just CRTs?
No, no. These play
on plasma, CRTs, DLPs...
He says--
LCDs, any kind of
format you have.
How much did you pay
for that one right there?
Oh, this one right here?
Yeah.
Oh, this was free for me.
I stole it.
Uh!
Hey, junior?
Yeah?
You still got that
8-Track tape player?
Yeah. I don't think those will
work on a Blu-Ray, though.
Oh. Shit
Captioning made possible by
MTV networks
Son of a bitch.
God damn it!
[Tires screeching]
They all have guns!
Ow!
Aah! Aah!
[Siren]
[Click click]
Who did that?
Uh, hey, Rizzo?
Yes, sir.
Are you--Are you
using metric on your
evidence bags?
Metric? Am I using
metric on my--
Sometimes--This
isn't me.
This was from
internal affairs.
Sent me a memo that
said sometimes a couple
of evidence bags
Have come through
where the amount of
whatever was in it
Didn't match what
it was labeled as.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm using metric.
You're using metric?
Yeah. I was using metric.
Which is the other
one, right?
The other one, yeah.
OK. Just because they
didn't match up.
Oh, OK.
How many are metric? 4?
Dangle: as long
as it matches.
If it says you've got
a bag of something and--
Yeah, yeah. Sure, sure.
Dangle: it's not me.
It's the people--
I get it.
I honestly don't care.
That's not a problem.
It's not a problem.
Oh. I have the results
from lice check yesterday.
Do you want me to read
who does or who doesn't?
Who does. Who does.
The shorter is
who don't, OK?
And it says a lot about
black hair. You don't.
Way to go. Uh,
everybody else, zzz.
We're doing
mandatories today.
Mandatory what?
Zzz. Heads and pubes.
So who's doing
the shaving?
It doesn't matter.
I want to know who's
doing the shaving.
It doesn't matter.
It matters. Why won't
you answer the question?
It doesn't matter,
but the results are in,
And it's almost everybody,
and I'm doing the shaving.
Rizzo: if you're doing
the shaving, can we see
The official doctor's
results of the lie test?
Dangle: I don't
have it here.
I don't have it here.
I remembered.
It's on my desk.
It's in a big pile
of stuff on my desk.
Nobody's--
Travis: oh, man. Little
boy who cried lice.
I ain't getting shaved.
Rizzo: no, neither am I.
Travis: because you said we
had to shave our pubes
for chiggers two weeks ago.
Jim--
That ain't true.
Why don't you just turn
it into a witch hunt?
Wait. What did
you just say?
How dare you.
What did you
just say?
All: chiggers.
Chiggers.
Dangle: chigger. Please.
[Siren]
Hey! Hey,
chickadee, come here.
Wow!
Wow! How are you?
Frank, right?
That's right.
I think we had
a good practice.
I'm sorry you missed it.
Oh, I am, too. You know I'm
usually there, you know.
Yeah.
I'll tell you, did Frankie Jr.
And Isabella also practice?
Oh, the Rizzo kids?
They're doing good.
They're having a real
good time.
Are they? The drills are
going well? They're going
through the cones OK?
Nah. They don't do
the cones so great,
you know.
There are several
skill sets that we
really need to work on
With Frank Jr.
And Izzy.
It's funny you bring this up.
This is why I'm here.
You know, game time.
Let's talk about game
time for a little bit.
Sure. OK.
Well, I tell you, you know,
the kids are not playing
as much game time,
Not playing the game as
much as I'd like to see them,
And you know, they're not
coming home very happy.
Listen, they get out
there once per game, OK?
That's the guarantee
we make every parent.
The Peterson kid is
out there more than
once a game.
He's out there
the whole game.
Don't throw the
Peterson kid out
there as an example.
I'm pulling
the Peterson card.
You know very well
that Tim Peterson
is terminal.
OK. Because the
child is dying...
Right.
We are allowing
the child to play
A little bit more
soccer than we
normally would...
Fine.
Given his skill
level.
Let--Look. Let the
dying kid play soccer.
I get it.
I'm with you on that.
All right, good.
Frank is making a lot of
progress down there.
He's not one of our
strongest players.
That's just a fact.
I don't--I know I'm
misunderstanding,
Because I thought you were
calling my kid a sissy.
I don't think that's
what you were doing.
I never said that word.
He's not a sissy.
He's just a fearful,
frightened, violent boy.
Chupacabra!: Yi yi yi!
OK, we're back
In chupacabra cuckoo-rico,
cuckoo-rico.
[Speaking Spanish]
[Speaking Spanish]
[Speaking Spanish]
Mira a usted.
[Singing in Spanish]
A bear. Declan,
you are a bear.
[Speaking Spanish]
Mounts on top of
this little puny--To
make sex with him.
Hey!
Hey! There are no temples
hanging from ceilings
For you to come to want to
eat them like food hanging
from a tree.
You are a bear. Don't you
hit me with that phone.
Don't you hit me with that
phone. This is my house.
Yipe! Aah!
[Speaking Spanish]
And let's go to the music.
Chupacabra: Aah! Aah!
OK.
Chupa!
Calm yourself.
You all right?
That was great.
That was great radio.
Thank you so much.
"Star Wars trumpet.
Look it up.
Her name is Kristen--
Kristen--Stacey Hedger.
And she plays it
with her...
Stacey Hedger.
Vagina?
No, no, no, no, no.
She plays it with her mouth.
No, it's still amazing.
What's she doing with
her vagina?
Nothing. Nothing.
She plays trumpet.
It's on Youtube?
[Telephone rings]
Yeah. Mayor Hernandez.
Why would he be calling me?
Hola. Buenos dias.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Slow down. Mayor Hernandez,
I don't understand you.
Sierra Arms. Sierra Arms
motor lodge. We're on our way.
Yeah.
We are on our way
right now. Shit.
Getting rid
of a hooker?
Yup.
Shit.
Guess what.
Quick stop at
the hardware store?
Same shit,
different day.
Oh, you know what?
I think we still have
bleach in the trunk.
Do we?
I do.
Do we have the...
Nope. Hardware store.
Hardware store.
[Whispering]
mayor Hernandez.
Oh, my heroes.
Come on in.
Dangle:
calm down. It's OK. It's
OK. We know the drill.
We know the drill.
We've done it before.
We get her in the tub.
We get this down.
Boom, boom, boom.
Zip, zip, zip.
Bleach, bleach,
bleach, trunk,
trunk, trunk, out.
No, no. The hooker's
not dead, man.
She's not dead?
You said get rid of
a hooker.
I married her, man.
I fucking married her.
Oh.
No, no, no. You're
already married.
No, no, no.
I'm already married.
Bunny will freak
out.
I'm already married,
man. She's gonna
fucking kill me, man.
Woman: aah!
[Shouting in Spanish]
Are you crazy?
I love you. No!
She's crazy!
Aah!
Aah!
[Shouting]
No, no, no.
Woman: you never
loved me!
[Shouting]
I love him.
I'm sure you do.
I love him.
Be nice to her.
Be nice to her.
Do you remember
last night?
I don't--I don't--
Do you remember it?
I don't.
Yes, you do.
Yes, you do.
I taped it all.
I taped it all.
I taped it all.
Ow! She's biting me! Aah!
All: aah!
I need a favor, Jones.
I'm gonna go talk to
the soccer coach, OK?
This is all I need
you to do.
Just hold this
bat for me.
For what? What am I--
Why am I holding--
Don't worry about for what.
Just because you're a big
black guy and you're scary.
I can say that because
I'm not racist.
Hey! Hey, chickadee.
Oh, hi, Frank.
How are you, man?
I'm good. How are you?
Good to see you.
You just pop up at
the strangest times.
Oh, you know, I like
to be involved in
my kids' life.
Coach Brad,
how are you?
Jonesy, how are you?
How you doing? Great
to see you, dude.
Likewise. Likewise.
Listen, listen,
listen, listen.
Frankie came back after you
played the Panda Bears...
Yeah. Great game.
Real great game.
Yeah. Well, you guys
won, and that's the most
important thing.
Jones:
yeah, we did.
They were undefeated
going in.
It was beautiful.
It was beautiful.
That Peterson kid--
You need to--
Listen to me.
Listen to me.
Wasn't he amazing?
Oh, it was incredible.
Man, I cried.
Yeah. A lot of people did.
These are regulation
balls.
What are you doing?
What--
This is--
I--I--
Rizzo:
now listen to me!
I apologize.
You're gonna tell
your team--
Your team to foul
the other team and
trip them
So my son can score
a goal!
And if you don't
get that other team
to cheat,
Something else very bad
is gonna happen
Besides parking tickets!
I understand what
you're saying to me.
You're being very,
very clear.
You're making threats.
I believe you will follow
through on them.
I have no doubt
that you will.
But I'm gonna tell you
this and make it very clear.
Yeah?
Frank Jr. Is a very bad soccer
player even for his age.
Fuck you! Come on.
Let's go. Fuck you.
It would be a betrayal
of my responsibilities
as coach...
Rizzo: yeah, your
responsibilities.
For me to put in
a weak player.
Wiegel: this is Cindy.
She's, um--She works here
At the Reno sheriff's
department now.
We sort of rescued her.
She was a sex slave.
Am I saying that right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. She used to have sex.
You know, I so
appreciate work for you.
Oh, we're so glad
to have you.
And I'm so surprised they
let a 16-year-old boy work
as a policeman,
But I know that
one day, you're going to
be very strong and--
She says that because I
have a little bit
Of a mustache--Just
a slight mustache.
[Whispering]
oh, she a girl?
That's a girl.
Uh--Yeah, I mean
a beautiful,
beautiful lady boy.
No, it's--You know
what? It's a--
A lot of people make
that mistake.
I have a very
large pubic mound.
[Screaming]
Everybody calm down.
Calm down, everybody!
Shit!
OK, everybody's cool?
What's your name, baby?
Hey.
Auria.
Auria?
Travis: Auria. Beautiful--
Gloria! God, you get--
Aah!
Aah!
Dangle: she's going
for the gun! No!
[Gunshots]
Shit, shit, shit.
No, no, no.
We're not gonna shoot
at anybody today.
Gloria? Gloria?
Gloria?
What?
Do we shoot people we love?
Sometimes.
Sometimes.
Say no more!
Aah!
Oh! Oh, my god! She's biting.
She's biting. She's biting.
She's biting.
Listen, you got to go.
I don't want to go
anywhere.
You got to go.
I don't want to go..
I'm gonna kill you
if you don't go.
You kill me.
I want to die in your arms.
You want to die in my arms?
You might.
In your arms.
Get her. Get her.
Go to sleep now.
Night night.
Got to--
Aah!
Get her! Get her!
In. In. There we go.
Aah! No!
Get her!
In we go.
No!
Here we go. Here we go.
Wiegel: it's an exciting day
here at the Reno sheriff's
department.
The new Japanese gun
belts are here!
Yay! Fresh off
the boat.
State-of-the-art
Nadgata belt.
It's 12 ounces.
You got a taser,
two clips, nerve gas,
GPS, ultraviolet light
For forensic blood testing
in the field, aluminum
handcuffs.
Sank you a-velly much.
All right, what do you say?
Let's strap it on.
Whoo hoo! Going
for a ride.
Oh.
Sure is a--
Dear god.
Maximum waist
size 26 inches.
Huh? Huh huh, bam.
It's cute, huh?
Get me into this thing.
No. You're gonna hurt yourself.
It's not--It's not--No. Hey.
Hey, hey, hey!
I just cracked a rib.
Gloria: I'm dying.
Dangle: you're not dying.
If I pull you out
of these wet towels,
will you stop biting?
Yes.
And be a lady?
I'm a lady.
Are you gonna
act like a lady?
Yes.
How would you like
35 US Dollars to
Walk out of
here right now?
Hernandez: that's a lot.
That's a lot...
$35.
Hernandez:
where you come from.
Don't talk to me
like that. $35?
$35?
Hernandez: take it.
Dangle: we get you
a bus ticket.
We send you someplace
beautiful where
you become
The Doppler radar girl,
Or we douse you in bleach,
cover you with towels,
And get you out of here
and set you on fire.
Hernandez:
take the first one.
Gloria: I'll fucking kill you.
[Siren]
Right here. Here it is.
Here it is. Sheriff's
department!
Sheriff's department.
What happened?
How are you?
Wiegel: we came as fast
as we could.
Nice to see you.
Wiegel, right? Yeah.
Yeah.
Rizzo, how are you?
Hey, how are you?
Nice to see you
guys. Come on in.
What's the emergency?
There was a robbery.
Let me get you something
to drink, though.
Wait, wait, wait.
We don't need anything
to drink.
There was a robbery.
Did they just recently--
Yeah. Breaking and
entering--Y'all ought
to write this down.
There was a breaking and
entering, 10-40, whatever
you call those.
Yeah.
And a forceful entry,
And I think I might have been
accosted or something.
You think you might
have been accosted.
On the other hand,
today is my birthday.
Happy birthday.
Yeah? I turn 40
October 13.
I just wanted
a little company,
And maybe it was a raccoon,
or it could have been--
Hold on. Glen, excuse
me. It's October 17.
That's the date.
October 17 is the date.
You missed
your birthday.
It was a couple
of days ago.
This is--Your cocoa
bear shit cake is
all for naught.
Happy birthday.
No, no. No, no.
No, you know what?
I'm already 40.
It's close enough.
It's close enough.
You know what I did
for my birthday?
I got stung by a bee
and passed out in my cabin.
That's where the day went.
Go away!
It's my favorite
kind of thing.
It is October 13.
Today actually is
his birthday.
It is his birthday.
That was a good one, Trudy.
You're good.
Lonely motherfucker.
I just like that there's
someone out there
That's more lonely
than me.
Mm-Hmm.
This is gonna
have to stop.
Can I tell you something?
I'm beginning to
feel harassed.
Uh-Oh. Snagle-Puss
is upset.
I'm not
harassing you.
OK.
I'm not harassing you.
I'm making sure
that you're getting
home safely
To 116 Elm Street.
116 Elm Street? Oh,
I lived there when I
first got married.
It was 6 years ago.
You're not at 116
Elm Street anymore?
No.
Well, wherever
you're going, wherever
that might be,
I wanted to make sure
that you got there
safe, and that's no--
Really?
You had no problems?
I've had no problems.
These streets are
dangerous.
I don't find that.
Yeah. How did the--How
did the practice go?
We had a very good
practice today.
You did?
Yeah. We sure did.
That's terrific.
A lot of the kids are really
coming a long way.
Yeah?
Not Frankie and Izzy,
I have to say.
That's a shame.
Hey, listen. You got
to watch that taillight.
That taillight's out.
Oh, is it?
Yeah, it is.
OK.
Hey, hey! You just
broke the taillight!
No, I didn't.
Whatever's in here,
we got to get rid of.
Oh. Oh. Oh...
Wedding-Slash-Sex.
Oh, my god.
Uh, we're watching
your sex tape.
Gloria: what?
Mr. Mayor.
That's me.
Can you make the
screen bigger?
Dangle: I can't make
the screen any bigger.
This is the size
of the screen.
You can see my leg
in that one part.
Remember that?
You're pulling up--You're
pulling up--
What? I'm pulling out?
You're pulling up to the
drive-through right now.
[Speaking Spanish]
I know that guy. Sergio!
Dangle:
is this like a minister?
Hernandez: that's where
I got married.
That's
where we got married.
It was so romantic.
Travis: these drive-through
chapels just make it too easy.
Dangle: they make it too easy.
No blood test, nothing.
You just go right in.
Give me the beef and cheddar,
motherfucker!
Dangle: OK, this is
not a chapel.
This is, uh, Arby's.
Gloria: what?
Yeah, that's Arby's drinks,
Arby's bags, beef and
cheddars.
Employee: do you want
hash browns?
I do! I do!
I do!
Dangle: yeah.
We're not married?
No, you're not married.
No. You said "I do"
to hash browns.
Yeah. We're gonna
clean you off, get
you in the shower,
And then we will get
you back to Bunny.
Nobody is any the wiser.
We ought to clean
this place up.
You're Latina.
Clean it up. Ha ha ha!
Wiegel:
sheriff's department!
Sheriff's department!
Everybody freeze!
Man: come on in.
Everything's fine.
Everything's fine.
Everything's fine.
We got a domestic
disturbance call.
Everything is fine.
Everything is fine.
I wanted to get
you guys here,
And that was the
best way to do it.
Surprise. I'm giving
you a surprise
sundae party.
Wait, what?
To show my
appreciation for all
the hard work you do.
We got a domestic
disturbance call.
I know, and under,
like, 10 minutes ago,
you guys got here.
Goodness gracious.
It was actually 6.5 minutes
Because we thought maybe
someone was being killed.
Oh, no, no, no,
no, no.
It was, uh, it
was not that at all.
And she did
a great job, right?
Who is she?
She. She's my wife.
She made the call.
She's involved with
amateur theatrics,
And I'll bet she did
a bang-up job.
Where is she?
She--Uh, she's--She
noticed that we were
out of cherries,
And she got in the car
and went to go get
Some cherries
to bring it back
To make it perfect
for you.
Who likes ice cream?
I do.
Ah!
I like ice cream.
Well, there we go!
Let's have a little...
We don't get
appreciated very often.
Hey.
Yes.
You and your wife stop playing
on the damn phone.
We will, I promise,
after this night only.
I wish you had cherries.
Oh, I know, but--
I'm gonna check in here.
Maybe you do--You do
have cherries, right
behind the fridge.
Damn.
Hah!
Was the whipped cream
supposed to blind us?
Yup.
There are no words.
Anytime. Anytime.
Anytime, sir.
You never have to
thank us.
Best mayor we
ever had. OK.
Thank you so much.
God bless you.
Unbelievable.
And if you ever need a
zzz version, you know...
We're in.
We can do that. Hey,
do you guys want to...
No, we're good.
We're fine. We're fine.
Believe me, if Bunny
would have found out,
She would have killed me.
Secret's safe.
Baby?
Mmm.
Let me get cleaned up.
We'll start all over again.
OK, baby. I love you.
We're gonna make love?
Yes. Yes!
Let me go wash myself
up in the sink.
OK. Hurry.
Best mayor we ever had.
By a long shot.
By a long shot.
Yeah.
That Polish guy
was insane.
Oh, no. Criminal.
[Siren]
Dangle: uh, that
about wraps it up
Except we did get
a missing persons report.
That youth soccer coach Brad
Petrie has gone missing,
So if anybody knows the
whereabouts--
His family's very upset and
called asking a bunch of times.
Frank, they asked--
Frank, you don't know
anything about that, do you?
I don't. He might have
just wanted to get away
for a little bit.
Sure.
I'm sure his wife
is worried sick.
I feel bad for the kids.
They don't have a coach.
Yeah. Hell of a good coach.
Hell of a good coach.
Dangle: terrific coach.
I wonder if they'll
get another coach...
Dangle: he'll turn up.
That lets everyone play.
Voice: oh, no.
Someone's in here.
[Elephant trumpets]
First off,
thanks so much.
All those parking
tickets, boom.
They're gone.
OK. That's great.
That's great.
And the other
thing--Settled.
OK, because I thought
he was...
Gonna let her play
with the silent stuff.
I'm pretty sure we
can still fix that.
OK, great.
Hey, is she really
your sister?
Yeah, she's my sister,
but sometimes we still...
OK. I'll see you.
Thanks. Thanks,
chupacabra.
Thank you!
The cocaine deal will happen
On McCarran park
this Thursday at 3:00.
Come on down.
Bring your cocaine.
I will bring the money,
and we will make the transfer.