Reno 911! (2003–2009): Season 6, Episode 6 - We Don't Want the Pope - full transcript
Dangle: so the district
attorney's office
Has asked that we
please stop referring
To them as
nuts and butts checks.
Why?
What do we call it?
They thought that it implies
that we're having--
Â♪ oh! This nigger
got O.J.'s belt â♪
Â♪ this nigger
got O.J.'s belt â♪
Â♪ this nigger
got O.J.'s belt â♪
Ha ha ha! Yeah.
O.J. Simpson?
O.J. Simpson's belt.
Williams: how
did you get that?
Really?
My boy Rick, he works
in booking down in Vegas.
When O.J. got busted,
he swiped his belt.
How much he charge
you for that?
$800.
That's a good deal.
That's an investment.
That's an investment.
That's a piece
of history.
That could be
in the Smithsonian.
Oh, ho, hoooo!
Â♪ O.J.'s belt â♪
Â♪ motherfucker,
I got O.J.'s belt â♪
Â♪ sucker, sucker,
I got O.J.'s belt â♪
Â♪ sucker, sucker â♪
Junior: Rick
in Clark county?
Vegas?
Sold it to you?
Yeah.
800 bucks?
1,000. Good deal, right?
Pretty good deal.
Son of a bitch.
Goddamn it!
[Tires screech]
Come on.
They all have guns!
Whoo hoo!
Ow!
Push them together?
Sheriff's department.
I neeed your bike.
Oh! God!
[All taking at once]
Aah!
[Siren]
Dangle: people, as you know,
his holiness pope Benedict
something something
Is embarking on a tour
of North America.
He is going
to New York,
He is going to Chicago,
He's going
to Los Angeles,
And a city yet
to be determined.
He is sending
an advance team
to Reno, Nevada,
To determine whether
or not we should
Be the fourth
host city.
I don't think I have
to impress upon you
What this would mean
to our little hamlet.
It would be a clusterfuck
of biblical proportions.
We got to put up
fucking concrete barriers,
We need port-a-potties,
we got protesters,
We got Mexicans
who love the pope,
We got Mexicans
who hate the pope.
Trudy: you didn't say
this guy was a Mexican.
He's not a Mexican.
He's got a lot of--
He's got
a big Mexican fan base.
Junior: if you shit
a turd that looks
kind of like the pope,
Mexicans flock to it.
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, look.
Take a 9-Hour bus ride.
Oh, that turd looks
kind of like the pope.
Scare the shit out
of these people.
I don't think I'm
asking that much of you
To show these
people that this place
Is the nut sac
of the sierras
And not a place
that he should come.
Let us not ask later
was there something
We could have done
to make the pope
Not come that we
didn't do.
Hi. How are you?
Really, really super
to have you.
I'm lieutenant Jim Dangle.
I'm Camerlengo Federico
to his holiness the pope.
Oh, wonderful.
OK. Super. Great.
Unh. Uh-Uh.
That's how we
do that here.
This is Trudy Wiegel, uh...
It's very nice to
meet you. Thank you.
A pleasure, to mee--
OK. Trudy--I don't know
if you can tell right now.
Trudy's wearing
an adult diaper.
You understand
what that is?
Uh, this is
deputy Travis Junior.
He likes them real young.
Crazy about that
new nazi pope.
Batshit for him.
Uh, this is Francis Rizzo.
I asked you to
cover that up.
I used to dress up as
the pope when I was a kid.
I had the whole pope thing,
I had the hat.
Shut your mouth.
Uh, and this is
Raineesha Williams,
Who is a Muslim.
Back up off me.
Don't say nothing
about what I believe
Because I ain't gonna
say nothing
About what you
believe
Because if you say
something
About what I believe,
it's gonna straight be a--
Oh, snap!
OK, please. OK.
Jack: Lou, permission
to stroke off my cock.
Never have to ask me.
You never have to ask
Because this
is Reno, Nevada.
I really think you're
gonna like it here.
Sheriff's department.
Sheriff's department.
Sheriff's department.
Damn. This place gives
me the creeps.
Officers, officers,
thank god you're here.
Look. One of our most
dangerous patients
has escaped.
He's not in his
room anymore,
And we need to set up
a perimeter.
I don't know what to do.
OK. We need
a description
right away.
He responds
to the name Daniel,
He responds
to several different names.
He's kind of balding,
but we set up a perimeter.
I don't know what it
is you guys need to do.
Police officers,
police officers.
Thank goodness
you guys are here.
You guys have him.
Thank goodness.
This is one of our
most dangerous patients.
Phew. This is a lot
of weight off my shoulders.
OK. This is--
This is Daniel.
This is Daniel.
This is Daniel.
This is Daniel?
How dare you, how dare you?
This is the patient.
I am--I am a doctor.
I am a doctor.
OK. Are you
a doctor, or is
he a--Who is--
I am a doctor.
Daniel has a latent
dissociative disorder.
Sir, we're
gonna take--
I went to medical school
at John Hodgkin's.
John Hodgkin's.
Where'd you go?
I went to John--
Johns Hopkins,
Which is a real
medical school.
John Hodgkin's is not
a real medical school.
Which one is it?
Which one is a disease,
And which one is
a school?
I think it's Hodgkin's.
One's a disease--
No. Hodgkin's--Hodgkin's
is a disease.
Hodgkin's lymphoma.
OK. Which one
of you assholes
Took a shit
in the rumpus room?
I did it.
We are seriously
understaffed around here.
I did it.
I did it.
I did it.
Come on.
This place gives me
the fucking creeps.
Bigger bummer.
The big one...
yep.
Uh, did my last,
uh, proctology exam.
I don't know if it's
something in the water,
But kids in Washoe county
are getting dumber and dumber.
What the hell you think
you're doing, boy?
"Teen wolfing," brah.
Son, you absolutely should
not be doing this
Without filming it
for Youtube.
Otherwise, how you
gonna impress chicks?
Good idea!
Yeah. Say,
"hello, Youtube!"
Hello, Youtube!
Tremens gators!
You kidding me?
[Barking]
You kidding me?
All right. Kids,
you should never, ever,
Ever do this at home.
I'm a trained professional.
Yooo!
Yeah!
Whoo!
Yeah!
Highsmith,
I'm "teen wolfing"
with a cop.
You look so cool,
man.
Reno sheriff's dep--Oh,
fuck shit.
[Tires squeal]
[Glass breaks]
Cowabunga, bro.
Raineesha and I have
the honor today
Of bringing the pope's team
to meet the mayor of Reno.
Yes. I'm very excited
to meet the mayor.
I think you're gonna
enjoy it, your impotence.
Mr. Mayor, this
is the gentleman
I told you about.
Hey! Hey, buddy!
Hello.
Mayor of Reno!
It's a pleasure
to meet you.
How are you?
Trudy: you look fantastic,
mayor Mike.
Thanks a lot,
thanks a lot.
I feel like
a million dollars.
This crown is
significan--
Mayor crown.
Mayor crown.
The pope wears a hat.
I have a crown.
Funny how it worked out.
I would like to see
your pope,
Your "pope," heh heh,
come and turn
a slurpee into wine.
He does not possess
such abilities.
Could he turn
root beer into beer?
We almost lose him,
like, 10 times a day.
It's a possession!
It's a possession!
It's not
a possession.
It's not--There's
no--You're joking.
Look. Oh, my god!
Barghh.
Oh, look at it go.
Rarrgh, rarrgh.
It's taking a left turn,
holiness.
Please
put that away.
Please put that
awa--Do you pray?
Yeah.
Are you a religious man?
I pray I don't get
any smellier.
Ha ha ha! Fuck
it! Suck it!
Shove it! Do it!
That's what we say
in Reno--
Fuck it! Suck it!
Shove it! Do it!
Now these--You know
what these are called?
Mexicans.
Oh. Sã.
Yeah. Sometimes,
they get caught
under your wheels.
OK. Get down.
This is where you
get shot at.
Every time you go
through here,
you get shot.
No!
Get down, get down!
So, uh, this is Carmen.
She calls a couple
a times a week.
Hi, Carmen.
Carmen: hi, butter.
What you doing there?
I'm building a wall
to keep terrorists out
of my venue. Look.
Did you have
a problem
with terrorists?
Well... yes. They
were gonna try to get
in their truck,
And I was like,
"huh? Those guys
look evil,"
And so I was
like, "hey."
I was trying to make,
like, a decoy,
And so I was like,
"hey. If you guys
Want to come
and hang out in my place."
That's hard to resist.
Yeah.
So they--So they come in.
Of course because
I've been brewing
my own soda lately,
And, like--So I
was like,
"Hey. You can have
some of my soda," you know,
And then--And then,
this is kind of
what sealed the deal.
Sounds like this
is where the big
thing happened.
The climax.
The climax.
The climax is they
were like,
"Do you have any
hand sanitizer?"
And that was
a threat?
I said, "do they allow
hand sanitizer on planes?
Not anymore.
No. No, they don't."
Up to four ounces,
they sure do.
You know what?
Ultimately, they were like,
"Can we have some
hand sanitizer?"
And I was like, "hold on.
I'll be right back,"
And I did it kind
of slow motion like that,
And then I gave
you guys a call,
And then when I came out,
they were gone.
Can I tell
you something?
You did a good job
here today
Because you didn't
let them walk away
with the sanitizer.
I think we're gonna
be OK here.
Maybe next time
you guys come,
I could get, like,
a certificate or something.
We could probably
pull that off.
Maybe, maybe. Sure.
Maybe, like,
a key to the town.
No, not that,
but we'll get
you a certificate.
We'll get you
a piece of paper.
Well, we'll
start small, yeah.
OK.
Junior:
date of birth,
tough guy.
07... 19... 80.
Yeah. Keep trying,
big boy.
You ain't gonna
get out of them.
Do it. Try it.
No--No pair of handcuffs
in the world
That can hold me.
I'll bet you 10 bucks
he'll make it out
of those things.
Jack: I've got 10.
I'll cover you for 5.
I say no.
Aah!
Dangle: I'll take
that action.
Come on, cuffs!
Let's go! You can do it!
You can do it!
Come on, cuffs.
Go, go, go, go, go, go!
Ohh! Come on,
handcuffs.
Come on, handcuffs.
You can do it.
Come on, boy.
Come on, handcuffs.
Go, go, go, go,
go, go! Yeah!
You did it!
Made in fucking America.
Yep.
Oh, my god.
[Woman moaning]
Is that a person?
Yeah.
Ma'am?
Ma'am? Ma'am?
Hello--Hello, miss.
You had a bad--
Something happened?
Something happened.
OK. Just from the
very beginning. OK.
All right. OK.
OK. We'll wait it out.
We'll just get it out.
We'll get it all out.
We're so upset.
We're upset, but we're
getting over it,
And we're gonna get
to the part--
[Sobbing]
OK. Did you fall
off of a motorcycle?
Did you fall off
of a motorcycle?
OK. He's
coming back.
Sweetie, sweetie,
he's coming back.
OK, OK, OK, OK, OK.
There. Good. Good.
Just go to sleep.
Hey, hey. We should
get her off to the side.
Let's get her
off to the side.
We're just gonna put
you here right there.
He'll be
right back for you.
Go quickly.
Quickly now.
Come on, Jim. Hurry.
If you wanted
a car wash,
There was
a brushless car wash
For 5.99 right back
on this street.
No, no, no. This is
a undercover sting.
You see, they got these
car washes in town
That if you know
the right code word,
You get a blow job,
and so we're gonna try
To make a good bust here.
Speaking of good busts.
So all right.
What are we looking for?
Well, one thing,
we'll start
With the basic car wash,
And we understand
that you guys are doing
Something a little
Extra-Super-Deluxe maybe.
We have a ton
of extra things
We can do to your car,
you know what I'm saying?
Like, we can buff up
that leather for you,
Bring it up real,
you know--
Like, just
really work it in.
We got a great treatment
for that.
Yeah, I'll do that.
And also--Oh, my god.
You might want to think
About our
hot wax treatment.
I don't know if you're
into that, but...
Who ain't? Who ain't?
So now if I wanted
to maybe have you
Take a look
at my undercarriage.
Mm. You got a dirty
undercarriage.
I got
a filthy undercarriage.
Really filthy?
We can get in there
For you in those
nooks and crannies
And just clean it out
for you real good.
We'll take
the whole package.
We'll take
the whole package,
If you know what
I'm talking about.
Everything we can offer.
My undercarriage
is fine.
My undercarriage,
she's a-clean.
OK.
There's a 17% blow job
tax in Washoe county, so--
They tax
the blow job?
They tax
the blow job,
So guys don't want
to go there
Because they don't
want uncle Sam
Getting a piece
of the blow job,
you know?
Woman: all right. Well,
we're just about done here.
Um, we got
the bill for you.
So it's gonna be 187, OK?
Gratuity's not included.
And that's all I'm
getting is a car wash?
Well, you're getting
the wax
And the leather
and the tailpipe.
And the tailpipe
got cleaned.
All right.
Have a nice day, you guys.
[Horn honks]
Yo! Can I get
a blow job or what?
You got it, baby,
but you got
to wear a rubber.
Let me ask you
something.
Yes?
Do you have sex?
I have taken a vow
of celibacy, so, no.
So if I offered
to jerk off
your penis right now,
You would say what,
"no, thank you"?
I would have to say,
"no, thank you, please.
Please do not--
Please do not
jack off"--
Jack off?
Please--Don't--
Please don't
give me those eyes.
I've taken down
stronger men than you
with these eyes.
I'd like to ask you
a religious question...
Oh, please, please.
Because this comes up
around our house a lot.
Yes.
Uh, is it a sin
to fuck a monkey?
Because they're, like,
one chromosome away,
And they're, like--
You look in their eyes,
And they're
almost human.
A monkey is an animal.
Human was created
by god--Adam and Eve.
Short answer--
Sin to fuck a monkey?
Yes. Do not have sex
with any animal.
Even a monkey?
A monkey is an animal.
We do not have sex
with a monkey,
A dog, an elephant.
You do not.
I don't have a pen.
This has been a public
service announcement.
Had this been
an actual emergency,
You would have
been notified
After the tone
about emergency evacuation.
Stop! Parate.
That was horrible.
That was horr-i-ble.
Do it again
but less gay.
Less gay?
Yo soy a mariposa.
I'm gay.
I like to be
with men
A-Deepy, doopy,
doopy, doopy, may.
[Deep voice]
this has been a test
Of the emergency
broadcast system.
Oh, wait. Did we bring
James Earl Jones in
To do this?
No, we didn't.
We brought a puto
cabron named Junior.
Mira como ella
does it.
Look how
she does it.
Haga lo bien sexy.
Sexier, sexier?
Sexier.
[Slowly]
this has been a test--
When you think about
something exciting,
What makes you
excited downstairs?
Law enforcement.
OK. He's
definitely gay.
Hey. We're here
at John McKay high school
Just doing routine
metal detector check
To see if any
of the students
have weapons,
And so far, you get
an "a," America.
I get so sick
and tired of the media
Exaggerating things
and trying to have us live
In a culture of fear.
Right.
Because you know what?
The kids aren't that bad.
They really aren't.
They really aren't.
It's just that
the media goes crazy
because you know what?
It's not the news.
It's the bad news.
Yes.
Bingo! Good kid.
Good guy.
You know what that was?
That was 12 good kids
Just walked
through these gates.
Mm-Hmm. The cities
and schools
of Reno--Safe.
Heh heh.
What's up?
Metal detector's
unplugged.
Goddamn metal detector's
unplugged.
[Alarm beeping]
Whoa!
Hey, girl.
Get back here.
Hey. OK. That's--OK.
Trudy on radio: we have
a shooter in the library
Of John McKay high school.
Dispatcher:
all units, all units,
Shots fired
in the cafeteria
Of John McKay high school.
I think we're on it.
I'm gonna take
the library.
OK.
Oh. Declan,
I'll beep if I go--
Oh. I can just.
Jack: sweet Jesus,
we're under siege!
Get down! The library's
full of guns!
Dangle: so Trudy's
late husband, as we
all remember,
Was the Truckee
river killer,
And he was executed
by lethal injection
By the state of Nevada,
But he did make
a whole bunch
of videotapes
In prison before they
juiced him up,
And we're just going
through them
To make sure there
aren't any clues
To maybe where
there's other bodies
Or anything like that.
Hey, unborn son.
It's your dad Craig again.
I thought you'd probably
need to have a talk
About the birds
and the bees,
And it's a tough talk,
so let's just make this
painless as possible.
What you want to do
is take these things
And put it
on this thing
Before you do
anything, OK?
And to do this...
You just put it--
Hold on a second.
You just--
OK. That's not
how you do that.
No. He never wore condoms.
He said that he always
felt like he wanted
To feel skin on skin
or teeth on skin.
Sure.
I hope this
was instructional
And you learned something.
So good luck
and be safe.
Sorry, T-Bone.
No. I said I
was sorry, OK?
I just--
Could he perform
the love act on you
Other than that
one time that
made the baby?
He used to want me to
crawl underneath the bed
And keep calling out,
"please don't come
and get me.
Please don't
come and get me,"
While he would
pleasure himself
up on top of the bed.
So he would--You all
would reenact
A crime investigation
role-Play.
No. Why do you have
to make it sick
and dark like that?
No. It's just
a young lady hiding
under the bed,
Screaming,
"don't come get me,"
With an adult
serial killer
Jacking off
his manhood
on the bed.
Thank you.
That's not
that weird.
Dangle: well, uh,
wonderfulness,
We hope that you have
enjoyed everything
That our little city
has to offer you,
And I think I speak
for all of us
And the community
in general when I say,
You my nigger,
you my nigger.
Most places that we visit
show us only their beauty,
Take us only
to the neighborhoods
of the rich.
You opened up and showed
us your honesty,
A place so yearning,
so much in need
of some godliness.
You showed me a place
that is in desperate need
for some holiness.
So the pope is coming?
The pope would
come here?
Ha ha ha! That--They
think maybe the pope
would come here?
Ha ha ha!
[Spits]
Sorry. No. That is
a ridiculous notion
That the pope
would come here.
Fuck you for
thinking that.
Nice! Nice! Nice.
Hey. Let's all
fla--Let's flash
The chopper
as it goes.
Jones: front flash?
Trudy: oh. With vag?
Dangle: yeah.
Good thing I got sunblock
on my dick already.
Jack: suck it! Suck it!
Franky: screw you!
Junior: you
have sunblock
on your dick?
Dangle: oh, yeah.
You never know.
Jones: ha ha! That's
my prince Albert.
You see that?
It's shining.
Dangle: what?
Trudy: wait. People
are jerking off?
No, no. Hey.
Timeout. Timeout.
What? Oh.
Timeout. I did not--
No, no. I did not--
I thought that was
what we were doing.
No! I said,
"let's flash them."
I didn't--I never.
Oh, come on.
Who finished?
Whoa.
Gee. How fa--We were
doing that for 30 seconds.
Pick up your
prince Albert.
Good lord.
Trudy: god. I don't even want
to go to fuddruckers.
Now we're not going
to fuddruckers.
We are not going
to fuddruckers.
You never said--
That's rid--Come on.
Williams: come on.
attorney's office
Has asked that we
please stop referring
To them as
nuts and butts checks.
Why?
What do we call it?
They thought that it implies
that we're having--
Â♪ oh! This nigger
got O.J.'s belt â♪
Â♪ this nigger
got O.J.'s belt â♪
Â♪ this nigger
got O.J.'s belt â♪
Ha ha ha! Yeah.
O.J. Simpson?
O.J. Simpson's belt.
Williams: how
did you get that?
Really?
My boy Rick, he works
in booking down in Vegas.
When O.J. got busted,
he swiped his belt.
How much he charge
you for that?
$800.
That's a good deal.
That's an investment.
That's an investment.
That's a piece
of history.
That could be
in the Smithsonian.
Oh, ho, hoooo!
Â♪ O.J.'s belt â♪
Â♪ motherfucker,
I got O.J.'s belt â♪
Â♪ sucker, sucker,
I got O.J.'s belt â♪
Â♪ sucker, sucker â♪
Junior: Rick
in Clark county?
Vegas?
Sold it to you?
Yeah.
800 bucks?
1,000. Good deal, right?
Pretty good deal.
Son of a bitch.
Goddamn it!
[Tires screech]
Come on.
They all have guns!
Whoo hoo!
Ow!
Push them together?
Sheriff's department.
I neeed your bike.
Oh! God!
[All taking at once]
Aah!
[Siren]
Dangle: people, as you know,
his holiness pope Benedict
something something
Is embarking on a tour
of North America.
He is going
to New York,
He is going to Chicago,
He's going
to Los Angeles,
And a city yet
to be determined.
He is sending
an advance team
to Reno, Nevada,
To determine whether
or not we should
Be the fourth
host city.
I don't think I have
to impress upon you
What this would mean
to our little hamlet.
It would be a clusterfuck
of biblical proportions.
We got to put up
fucking concrete barriers,
We need port-a-potties,
we got protesters,
We got Mexicans
who love the pope,
We got Mexicans
who hate the pope.
Trudy: you didn't say
this guy was a Mexican.
He's not a Mexican.
He's got a lot of--
He's got
a big Mexican fan base.
Junior: if you shit
a turd that looks
kind of like the pope,
Mexicans flock to it.
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, look.
Take a 9-Hour bus ride.
Oh, that turd looks
kind of like the pope.
Scare the shit out
of these people.
I don't think I'm
asking that much of you
To show these
people that this place
Is the nut sac
of the sierras
And not a place
that he should come.
Let us not ask later
was there something
We could have done
to make the pope
Not come that we
didn't do.
Hi. How are you?
Really, really super
to have you.
I'm lieutenant Jim Dangle.
I'm Camerlengo Federico
to his holiness the pope.
Oh, wonderful.
OK. Super. Great.
Unh. Uh-Uh.
That's how we
do that here.
This is Trudy Wiegel, uh...
It's very nice to
meet you. Thank you.
A pleasure, to mee--
OK. Trudy--I don't know
if you can tell right now.
Trudy's wearing
an adult diaper.
You understand
what that is?
Uh, this is
deputy Travis Junior.
He likes them real young.
Crazy about that
new nazi pope.
Batshit for him.
Uh, this is Francis Rizzo.
I asked you to
cover that up.
I used to dress up as
the pope when I was a kid.
I had the whole pope thing,
I had the hat.
Shut your mouth.
Uh, and this is
Raineesha Williams,
Who is a Muslim.
Back up off me.
Don't say nothing
about what I believe
Because I ain't gonna
say nothing
About what you
believe
Because if you say
something
About what I believe,
it's gonna straight be a--
Oh, snap!
OK, please. OK.
Jack: Lou, permission
to stroke off my cock.
Never have to ask me.
You never have to ask
Because this
is Reno, Nevada.
I really think you're
gonna like it here.
Sheriff's department.
Sheriff's department.
Sheriff's department.
Damn. This place gives
me the creeps.
Officers, officers,
thank god you're here.
Look. One of our most
dangerous patients
has escaped.
He's not in his
room anymore,
And we need to set up
a perimeter.
I don't know what to do.
OK. We need
a description
right away.
He responds
to the name Daniel,
He responds
to several different names.
He's kind of balding,
but we set up a perimeter.
I don't know what it
is you guys need to do.
Police officers,
police officers.
Thank goodness
you guys are here.
You guys have him.
Thank goodness.
This is one of our
most dangerous patients.
Phew. This is a lot
of weight off my shoulders.
OK. This is--
This is Daniel.
This is Daniel.
This is Daniel.
This is Daniel?
How dare you, how dare you?
This is the patient.
I am--I am a doctor.
I am a doctor.
OK. Are you
a doctor, or is
he a--Who is--
I am a doctor.
Daniel has a latent
dissociative disorder.
Sir, we're
gonna take--
I went to medical school
at John Hodgkin's.
John Hodgkin's.
Where'd you go?
I went to John--
Johns Hopkins,
Which is a real
medical school.
John Hodgkin's is not
a real medical school.
Which one is it?
Which one is a disease,
And which one is
a school?
I think it's Hodgkin's.
One's a disease--
No. Hodgkin's--Hodgkin's
is a disease.
Hodgkin's lymphoma.
OK. Which one
of you assholes
Took a shit
in the rumpus room?
I did it.
We are seriously
understaffed around here.
I did it.
I did it.
I did it.
Come on.
This place gives me
the fucking creeps.
Bigger bummer.
The big one...
yep.
Uh, did my last,
uh, proctology exam.
I don't know if it's
something in the water,
But kids in Washoe county
are getting dumber and dumber.
What the hell you think
you're doing, boy?
"Teen wolfing," brah.
Son, you absolutely should
not be doing this
Without filming it
for Youtube.
Otherwise, how you
gonna impress chicks?
Good idea!
Yeah. Say,
"hello, Youtube!"
Hello, Youtube!
Tremens gators!
You kidding me?
[Barking]
You kidding me?
All right. Kids,
you should never, ever,
Ever do this at home.
I'm a trained professional.
Yooo!
Yeah!
Whoo!
Yeah!
Highsmith,
I'm "teen wolfing"
with a cop.
You look so cool,
man.
Reno sheriff's dep--Oh,
fuck shit.
[Tires squeal]
[Glass breaks]
Cowabunga, bro.
Raineesha and I have
the honor today
Of bringing the pope's team
to meet the mayor of Reno.
Yes. I'm very excited
to meet the mayor.
I think you're gonna
enjoy it, your impotence.
Mr. Mayor, this
is the gentleman
I told you about.
Hey! Hey, buddy!
Hello.
Mayor of Reno!
It's a pleasure
to meet you.
How are you?
Trudy: you look fantastic,
mayor Mike.
Thanks a lot,
thanks a lot.
I feel like
a million dollars.
This crown is
significan--
Mayor crown.
Mayor crown.
The pope wears a hat.
I have a crown.
Funny how it worked out.
I would like to see
your pope,
Your "pope," heh heh,
come and turn
a slurpee into wine.
He does not possess
such abilities.
Could he turn
root beer into beer?
We almost lose him,
like, 10 times a day.
It's a possession!
It's a possession!
It's not
a possession.
It's not--There's
no--You're joking.
Look. Oh, my god!
Barghh.
Oh, look at it go.
Rarrgh, rarrgh.
It's taking a left turn,
holiness.
Please
put that away.
Please put that
awa--Do you pray?
Yeah.
Are you a religious man?
I pray I don't get
any smellier.
Ha ha ha! Fuck
it! Suck it!
Shove it! Do it!
That's what we say
in Reno--
Fuck it! Suck it!
Shove it! Do it!
Now these--You know
what these are called?
Mexicans.
Oh. Sã.
Yeah. Sometimes,
they get caught
under your wheels.
OK. Get down.
This is where you
get shot at.
Every time you go
through here,
you get shot.
No!
Get down, get down!
So, uh, this is Carmen.
She calls a couple
a times a week.
Hi, Carmen.
Carmen: hi, butter.
What you doing there?
I'm building a wall
to keep terrorists out
of my venue. Look.
Did you have
a problem
with terrorists?
Well... yes. They
were gonna try to get
in their truck,
And I was like,
"huh? Those guys
look evil,"
And so I was
like, "hey."
I was trying to make,
like, a decoy,
And so I was like,
"hey. If you guys
Want to come
and hang out in my place."
That's hard to resist.
Yeah.
So they--So they come in.
Of course because
I've been brewing
my own soda lately,
And, like--So I
was like,
"Hey. You can have
some of my soda," you know,
And then--And then,
this is kind of
what sealed the deal.
Sounds like this
is where the big
thing happened.
The climax.
The climax.
The climax is they
were like,
"Do you have any
hand sanitizer?"
And that was
a threat?
I said, "do they allow
hand sanitizer on planes?
Not anymore.
No. No, they don't."
Up to four ounces,
they sure do.
You know what?
Ultimately, they were like,
"Can we have some
hand sanitizer?"
And I was like, "hold on.
I'll be right back,"
And I did it kind
of slow motion like that,
And then I gave
you guys a call,
And then when I came out,
they were gone.
Can I tell
you something?
You did a good job
here today
Because you didn't
let them walk away
with the sanitizer.
I think we're gonna
be OK here.
Maybe next time
you guys come,
I could get, like,
a certificate or something.
We could probably
pull that off.
Maybe, maybe. Sure.
Maybe, like,
a key to the town.
No, not that,
but we'll get
you a certificate.
We'll get you
a piece of paper.
Well, we'll
start small, yeah.
OK.
Junior:
date of birth,
tough guy.
07... 19... 80.
Yeah. Keep trying,
big boy.
You ain't gonna
get out of them.
Do it. Try it.
No--No pair of handcuffs
in the world
That can hold me.
I'll bet you 10 bucks
he'll make it out
of those things.
Jack: I've got 10.
I'll cover you for 5.
I say no.
Aah!
Dangle: I'll take
that action.
Come on, cuffs!
Let's go! You can do it!
You can do it!
Come on, cuffs.
Go, go, go, go, go, go!
Ohh! Come on,
handcuffs.
Come on, handcuffs.
You can do it.
Come on, boy.
Come on, handcuffs.
Go, go, go, go,
go, go! Yeah!
You did it!
Made in fucking America.
Yep.
Oh, my god.
[Woman moaning]
Is that a person?
Yeah.
Ma'am?
Ma'am? Ma'am?
Hello--Hello, miss.
You had a bad--
Something happened?
Something happened.
OK. Just from the
very beginning. OK.
All right. OK.
OK. We'll wait it out.
We'll just get it out.
We'll get it all out.
We're so upset.
We're upset, but we're
getting over it,
And we're gonna get
to the part--
[Sobbing]
OK. Did you fall
off of a motorcycle?
Did you fall off
of a motorcycle?
OK. He's
coming back.
Sweetie, sweetie,
he's coming back.
OK, OK, OK, OK, OK.
There. Good. Good.
Just go to sleep.
Hey, hey. We should
get her off to the side.
Let's get her
off to the side.
We're just gonna put
you here right there.
He'll be
right back for you.
Go quickly.
Quickly now.
Come on, Jim. Hurry.
If you wanted
a car wash,
There was
a brushless car wash
For 5.99 right back
on this street.
No, no, no. This is
a undercover sting.
You see, they got these
car washes in town
That if you know
the right code word,
You get a blow job,
and so we're gonna try
To make a good bust here.
Speaking of good busts.
So all right.
What are we looking for?
Well, one thing,
we'll start
With the basic car wash,
And we understand
that you guys are doing
Something a little
Extra-Super-Deluxe maybe.
We have a ton
of extra things
We can do to your car,
you know what I'm saying?
Like, we can buff up
that leather for you,
Bring it up real,
you know--
Like, just
really work it in.
We got a great treatment
for that.
Yeah, I'll do that.
And also--Oh, my god.
You might want to think
About our
hot wax treatment.
I don't know if you're
into that, but...
Who ain't? Who ain't?
So now if I wanted
to maybe have you
Take a look
at my undercarriage.
Mm. You got a dirty
undercarriage.
I got
a filthy undercarriage.
Really filthy?
We can get in there
For you in those
nooks and crannies
And just clean it out
for you real good.
We'll take
the whole package.
We'll take
the whole package,
If you know what
I'm talking about.
Everything we can offer.
My undercarriage
is fine.
My undercarriage,
she's a-clean.
OK.
There's a 17% blow job
tax in Washoe county, so--
They tax
the blow job?
They tax
the blow job,
So guys don't want
to go there
Because they don't
want uncle Sam
Getting a piece
of the blow job,
you know?
Woman: all right. Well,
we're just about done here.
Um, we got
the bill for you.
So it's gonna be 187, OK?
Gratuity's not included.
And that's all I'm
getting is a car wash?
Well, you're getting
the wax
And the leather
and the tailpipe.
And the tailpipe
got cleaned.
All right.
Have a nice day, you guys.
[Horn honks]
Yo! Can I get
a blow job or what?
You got it, baby,
but you got
to wear a rubber.
Let me ask you
something.
Yes?
Do you have sex?
I have taken a vow
of celibacy, so, no.
So if I offered
to jerk off
your penis right now,
You would say what,
"no, thank you"?
I would have to say,
"no, thank you, please.
Please do not--
Please do not
jack off"--
Jack off?
Please--Don't--
Please don't
give me those eyes.
I've taken down
stronger men than you
with these eyes.
I'd like to ask you
a religious question...
Oh, please, please.
Because this comes up
around our house a lot.
Yes.
Uh, is it a sin
to fuck a monkey?
Because they're, like,
one chromosome away,
And they're, like--
You look in their eyes,
And they're
almost human.
A monkey is an animal.
Human was created
by god--Adam and Eve.
Short answer--
Sin to fuck a monkey?
Yes. Do not have sex
with any animal.
Even a monkey?
A monkey is an animal.
We do not have sex
with a monkey,
A dog, an elephant.
You do not.
I don't have a pen.
This has been a public
service announcement.
Had this been
an actual emergency,
You would have
been notified
After the tone
about emergency evacuation.
Stop! Parate.
That was horrible.
That was horr-i-ble.
Do it again
but less gay.
Less gay?
Yo soy a mariposa.
I'm gay.
I like to be
with men
A-Deepy, doopy,
doopy, doopy, may.
[Deep voice]
this has been a test
Of the emergency
broadcast system.
Oh, wait. Did we bring
James Earl Jones in
To do this?
No, we didn't.
We brought a puto
cabron named Junior.
Mira como ella
does it.
Look how
she does it.
Haga lo bien sexy.
Sexier, sexier?
Sexier.
[Slowly]
this has been a test--
When you think about
something exciting,
What makes you
excited downstairs?
Law enforcement.
OK. He's
definitely gay.
Hey. We're here
at John McKay high school
Just doing routine
metal detector check
To see if any
of the students
have weapons,
And so far, you get
an "a," America.
I get so sick
and tired of the media
Exaggerating things
and trying to have us live
In a culture of fear.
Right.
Because you know what?
The kids aren't that bad.
They really aren't.
They really aren't.
It's just that
the media goes crazy
because you know what?
It's not the news.
It's the bad news.
Yes.
Bingo! Good kid.
Good guy.
You know what that was?
That was 12 good kids
Just walked
through these gates.
Mm-Hmm. The cities
and schools
of Reno--Safe.
Heh heh.
What's up?
Metal detector's
unplugged.
Goddamn metal detector's
unplugged.
[Alarm beeping]
Whoa!
Hey, girl.
Get back here.
Hey. OK. That's--OK.
Trudy on radio: we have
a shooter in the library
Of John McKay high school.
Dispatcher:
all units, all units,
Shots fired
in the cafeteria
Of John McKay high school.
I think we're on it.
I'm gonna take
the library.
OK.
Oh. Declan,
I'll beep if I go--
Oh. I can just.
Jack: sweet Jesus,
we're under siege!
Get down! The library's
full of guns!
Dangle: so Trudy's
late husband, as we
all remember,
Was the Truckee
river killer,
And he was executed
by lethal injection
By the state of Nevada,
But he did make
a whole bunch
of videotapes
In prison before they
juiced him up,
And we're just going
through them
To make sure there
aren't any clues
To maybe where
there's other bodies
Or anything like that.
Hey, unborn son.
It's your dad Craig again.
I thought you'd probably
need to have a talk
About the birds
and the bees,
And it's a tough talk,
so let's just make this
painless as possible.
What you want to do
is take these things
And put it
on this thing
Before you do
anything, OK?
And to do this...
You just put it--
Hold on a second.
You just--
OK. That's not
how you do that.
No. He never wore condoms.
He said that he always
felt like he wanted
To feel skin on skin
or teeth on skin.
Sure.
I hope this
was instructional
And you learned something.
So good luck
and be safe.
Sorry, T-Bone.
No. I said I
was sorry, OK?
I just--
Could he perform
the love act on you
Other than that
one time that
made the baby?
He used to want me to
crawl underneath the bed
And keep calling out,
"please don't come
and get me.
Please don't
come and get me,"
While he would
pleasure himself
up on top of the bed.
So he would--You all
would reenact
A crime investigation
role-Play.
No. Why do you have
to make it sick
and dark like that?
No. It's just
a young lady hiding
under the bed,
Screaming,
"don't come get me,"
With an adult
serial killer
Jacking off
his manhood
on the bed.
Thank you.
That's not
that weird.
Dangle: well, uh,
wonderfulness,
We hope that you have
enjoyed everything
That our little city
has to offer you,
And I think I speak
for all of us
And the community
in general when I say,
You my nigger,
you my nigger.
Most places that we visit
show us only their beauty,
Take us only
to the neighborhoods
of the rich.
You opened up and showed
us your honesty,
A place so yearning,
so much in need
of some godliness.
You showed me a place
that is in desperate need
for some holiness.
So the pope is coming?
The pope would
come here?
Ha ha ha! That--They
think maybe the pope
would come here?
Ha ha ha!
[Spits]
Sorry. No. That is
a ridiculous notion
That the pope
would come here.
Fuck you for
thinking that.
Nice! Nice! Nice.
Hey. Let's all
fla--Let's flash
The chopper
as it goes.
Jones: front flash?
Trudy: oh. With vag?
Dangle: yeah.
Good thing I got sunblock
on my dick already.
Jack: suck it! Suck it!
Franky: screw you!
Junior: you
have sunblock
on your dick?
Dangle: oh, yeah.
You never know.
Jones: ha ha! That's
my prince Albert.
You see that?
It's shining.
Dangle: what?
Trudy: wait. People
are jerking off?
No, no. Hey.
Timeout. Timeout.
What? Oh.
Timeout. I did not--
No, no. I did not--
I thought that was
what we were doing.
No! I said,
"let's flash them."
I didn't--I never.
Oh, come on.
Who finished?
Whoa.
Gee. How fa--We were
doing that for 30 seconds.
Pick up your
prince Albert.
Good lord.
Trudy: god. I don't even want
to go to fuddruckers.
Now we're not going
to fuddruckers.
We are not going
to fuddruckers.
You never said--
That's rid--Come on.
Williams: come on.