Reno 911! (2003–2009): Season 6, Episode 5 - Dangle's Murder Mystery: Part 2 - full transcript
[Organ playing]
OK, so this
Friday, 8 PM,
Murder mystery dinner,
Sierra Historical Society.
I've rented it out.
Should be
lots of fun.
I have very, very
good roles for
both of you.
Raineesha: I's would
like to introduce
mrs. Debbie Dangle.
Debbie: and may I present
my fiance, Gary Werner.
Coming, my love!
Hello!
[Debbie giggles]
Dance for us. Dance,
minstrel. Dance.
You know what, bitch? I'm
his slave, not yours. You're
gonna shut up in here.
Are you gonna
cut me?
Yes, I am.
To murder.
All but Raineesha: murder.
[Debbie giggles]
She's really dead.
Aah! Aah! Aah!
What the fuck.
When are we gonna get
to the murder part?
I've been laying
on the bathroom floor
for 3 hours.
Son of a bitch!
God damn it!
They all have guns!
Ow!
Push them together?
Sheriff's department!
I need your bike!
Aah! Gah!
[Siren]
[Empty gun clicks]
Uh! Uh!
Watch. Over the line.
Aah!
Captioning made possible by
MTV networks
[Thunder]
Dangle: the authorities
are on their way.
Raineesha: hey, we're
the authorities.
I know. Well,
the paramedics are
on their way
Is what I'm--Paramedics
are on their way.
I should have clarified.
It seems as though...
Our murder mystery dinner...
Has become
A "murder" mystery dinner.
The only thing we know
for certain is
That someone in this room
wanted Debbie Dangle dead,
So much so to commit
such a heinous crime.
Takes me back a little ways.
Takes me back
to Cabo San Lucas.
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Dangle: Leslie, I believe
we had had 4 mind erasers
At Sammy Hagar's
party joint,
Cabo Wabo, when you said
to me, and I quote,
"Boy, oh, boy, it would be so
super if Debbie were dead."
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Leslie: I said that several
times, but I was kidding.
We laughed.
What about Gary?
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
[Thunder]
How you doing,
Bernardino?
Now, some folks down
at the piggly wiggly
In the produce section,
real upset--
Been there.
You've been there?
Yeah.
They're upset.
You've been there?
Did you see anything while
you were down there?
I haven't been there for...
70 years?
70 years?
Oh.
Yeah. I mean, I haven't
been there for--
I mean, I was there
70 years ago, I guess.
You were there
at the piggly wiggly
70 years ago?
Yeah. So it's been
a while.
Yeah, that's
a long time.
4:20 this afternoon.
Think hard.
Produce section.
Area with fruits
and vegetables.
A gentleman, Caucasian,
about 5'10", roller skates,
Which made us
think...
Maybe it's Terry.
Maybe Terry
would know this guy.
Maybe the person that works
there is stupid and ugly.
See, it seems, again,
to me like you might
know this person
In the produce
section.
I feel like it's
coming back.
I don't know any
fat women with red hair
in the produce section.
All right.
So this is starting
to fall into place.
Our witness--
Kelly O'Brien--
She sounds
like a bitch.
She was a little thick,
and she wasn't super nice.
She wasn't
super nice.
That's true, but maybe you
got off on the wrong foot
Because what were you doing
in the produce section?
I was... trying fruit on.
Mm-Hmm. That's
exactly what we got.
That's exactly
what she said.
Oh, shit. God!
You see?
Let him go. Let him go.
I didn't think
you could skate on grass.
Look at that...
I didn't think
so, either.
Look at that son
of a bitch go.
[Thunder]
Leslie: what about Gary?
Oh! What about Gary?!
Oh, I'm Gary.
What about Gary,
whose voice-Over
business is being
Lost to India, who I
saw at the gym two
weeks ago nearly in tears
About his loss
of income?
[Ominous echoing thud
on soundtrack]
We all know
that Deb...
Was worth
over...
$400,000.
[Clock chimes]
400,000
US Dollars.
Let me tell you
something
That I have
never told anyone else.
Some miss lady told
me in confidence
that she was
Really
Debbie Dangle's sister!
Hey.
Are you
arresting him?
Yes, I am. He's--
That's awesome.
Just stay back, sir.
OK. I'll stay back.
I want to be you
someday when I pass
the test to be a cop.
You want to see my gun?
I got a gun.
Whoa, whoa!
Whoa, hey!
Oh, ha ha. Whoa.
You got a permit
for that thing?
Yeah, of course
I got a permit.
Sweet!
Yeah.
This is nice.
Yeah.
Uh-Oh.
Uh-Oh. My gun's
bigger than yours.
Yours is bigger
than mine. Ha ha!
Whoa.
So you want to be
a cop, huh?
Yeah.
OK. It ain't as easy
as you might think.
I want to be--My dad
wanted to be one,
but he was in jail,
So he couldn't be,
and I'm on Fluoxetine.
It's like Prozac
but for poor people.
Look, if you ever try to
get on the force--
Yeah?
You don't want
to mention any
mental disabilities.
Oh.
Everyone's got a little
bit of fuck-up, OK?
Yeah.
Yeah. It's a fine
line, you know?
Yeah.
But as long as you
know how to navigate
it, which I do,
Don't bring it up.
Oh, OK.
OK, thanks.
All right.
OK, dirtbag, time
to go to jail.
Yeah, time
to go to jail.
Ha ha! Dirtbag.
Man: hey, do you want me
to take him to jail?
I got a badge. I found
it in a cop car.
My name is
James Dangle.
You're under arrest.
Get in the back
of the car.
Ha ha ha! Awesome!
I'll read myself
my rights.
Yeah, read yourself
your rights.
I have the right
to remain silent.
[Thunder]
Trudy: she's my half-sister,
And she did try
to kill me several times
When we were kids,
but I didn't want her dead.
Dangle:
Deb was your
half-sister?
Trudy: yeah. It was
because our dad--
My mom was raped by--
It's a long story.
By American
Indians.
By an American Indian.
On a souvenir hunt.
Right. He also
raped her mom.
Gary: wow.
But I did not want
to kill her, and I
did not want her dead,
And I did not kill her.
However, I had
a conversation with
someone in this room...
Someone who shall remain
nameless. Jim Dangle!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Isn't it true...
That you told me
on the telephone
not 4 days ago
That you were
thinking
About buying new shoes
for yourself,
Perhaps in brown,
maybe even in black?
I did. I got them
in that Zappos
place online.
They're nice.
They're like--These
were not even--
They were, like...
Trudy: that's all
I could think of.
That's all I got.
They were half
the list price.
You guys ever go
to Zappos?
Oh, yes.
Outstanding.
Next day.
Fabulous shoes. They're
there the next day.
You type in what you want.
You type in your size.
If you want a wide--
If you do it after
you've been drinking,
it's like magic.
[Thunder]
And I suppose you
all suspect me
Because everyone
knows that Deb never
changed her will.
Gary: well, you are
the only one with a gun.
[Thunder]
Oh! He's gonna
kill me
To shut me up! Is
that what you're gonna do?
Well, it won't work!
OK, for real,
this is a prop.
This is
a prop gun
Because I was
gonna kill the
corpse with it.
Why do you have
a gun, Leslie?
This is real. This is re--
I knew I had
to defend myself when
I came here tonight.
The last time I was
at your trailer,
I saw you'd been
stockpiling cyanide.
What?!
[Thunder]
It's true.
It's true, but that
is because we have
A very serious
possum infestation
In the trailer park,
And I knew I wanted
to get rid of
those little buggers
Once and for all.
That's why I had it,
and it has nothing
to do with the fact
That Deb never changed
her will.
And I know that because
I went to the Washoe
county hall of records
To do some investigating.
You can do that
online now.
Trudy: you can
do it online.
Can you really?
Yeah.
You really
can?
You can do most
everything online now.
You know what I
found out?
Can you look up
any records, birth
certificates...
I found my
great-Uncle's birth
certificate online.
The Mormons.
The Mormons do
it for free.
Oh, the Mormons. Yeah.
[Speaking Russian]
I'd say it's a--
A sting operation.
Big problem in the
Russian community.
They have these
sex lines with
underage girls.
Totally illegal.
We're trying to
trace this guy.
They're the victims.
They're the victims.
[Speaking Russian]
Oh, OK.
That's...
Da!
[Speaking Russian]
Da! Da! Da! Da! Oh!
[Speaking Russian]
OK. OK, wait.
We're gonna make him
go too early.
We're gonna blow
him too early.
I think maybe
you better
tell this boy
That you're a little tiny
underage naughty schoolgirl.
Yes.
Rizzo: yeah. That's
a good point.
We could nail him
on this.
Jones: that's right.
And maybe--Tell him
That 5 1/2 inches
is plenty big.
[Speaking Russian]
Declan: what are you doing?
Uh...
uh...
Working on that
underage phone
sex sting, sarge.
Phone sex sting
operation.
All over it.
Declan: that's federal.
That's FCC.
Oh. Ohh. Oh...
Which is why
we're all over it.
Oh!
[Speaking Russian]
It's a real
slow day here.
[Speaking Russian]
Tell the guy, like,
you've been a bad girl,
Give you a spanking.
Dangle: let me take
you back in time--
Back in time to
a young scientist named
La Fontaine Williams.
La Fontaine Williams--
Just a young
scientist working
For the Filmore
vacuum cleaner company--
The company that belonged
to Debbie's father.
La Fontaine Williams--
Father of
Raineesha Williams!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
And was he or
was he not
The inventor of
the couch sucky attachment--
The attach--What
do you call them?
The sucky couch...
the couch--
The sucky couch attachment!
Yes, he was!
Yes, he was, and, yes, Deb's
people stole from my family!
Yes, they did.
But that doesn't mean
I killed her.
White people steal from
black people all the time.
Our hair care products,
our dances--
The blues.
Rock and roll.
All kinds of stuff.
[Doorbell rings]
I'm going to get the door!
Gary: adorable, fun.
So funny.
Oh, even at a time
like this,
It's just fun
to have her around.
Dangle:
they're a
spirited people.
They're like
walking music.
Junior: welcome to
the Caribbean, baby.
Aho!
You said it was
a dress-up party.
Dangle: OK, so
this is--I meant,
By the way,
just dress up.
Dress-Up party, you said.
Be there at 8:00.
Dress-Up party.
Pigs in blankets.
Dangle: OK, "A,"
it's almost 9:45.
"B," you're dressed
like Captain Jack.
I almost went as
Iron Man, but it was,
like, 165 bucks
For a good one.
OK!
Bar is this one.
Super.
Bar is that way.
And let's have
a talk about this
on Monday, too.
Uh, my ex-wife
and his ex-wife
And his current
wife is dead.
Junior: yeah. Murder mystery
dinner. I get it.
No, she's really dead.
She's dead.
Yeah, get it.
Murder mystery dinner.
Raineesha: really dead.
Trudy: she died.
Oooh. I get it.
What you want to drink?
Stepping over you,
mrs. Dangle.
Trudy: don't step in
that. That's real.
How many times has
this happened to you?
You use your credit card
to purchase pornography
on the Internet.
Or for adult-themed board
games or novelty items.
And then you're
getting credit card bills
For motor boats
and fancy trips
to Paris, France.
What happened?
You are a victim
of identity theft.
That's why I always use...
[Machine clanks]
A secure I.D.--
The Master Bait charge card--
The card that's only
for pornography.
No more fancy trips
or boats on me.
Thank you,
Master Bait card.
The Master Bait--
Charge card, that is.
Protect your good name
With a Master Bait
porno-only
Personal credit
card for him or her.
Whoa! Hello, ma'am.
Hi.
Hi. Oh, hi.
Hi, boo.
Hi.
Hi. Hi.
I really--I'm really--
I'm really, I'm really,
really, really glad
That you're here because
I was in distress.
OK. What's--
Damsel in distress.
What is the nature of
your emergency, ma'am?
What's going on?
I was hoping that
you could help me
bust up a chifforobe.
I'll give you a dollar.
Ma'am, I'm a--I'm
a police officer.
I'm here
for emergency...
This is an emergency.
Situations, and I'm
not here to bust
up chifforobes or--
Yes, you are.
Yes, you are.
You would not be here
if you did not feel
what I feel,
Like what I
feel right now,
Like the birds are humming
in the background,
The air is perfect, OK?
I just
finished spaghetti.
Like, everything
is working out.
Lady, listen... um--
Thank you for
calling me a lady.
I can't--
That only makes me like
you so much more
Because you are
a gentleman, you know?
Like, there are so
few gentlemen out there,
Especially gentlemen that
are willing to come here
And bust up
a chifforobe
for a dollar.
Like, that is really ju--
Don't follow me.
See you tomorrow!
I should have never
put my dick in her.
See, that's my fault.
Shame on me.
Shame on me.
[Thunder]
Look, I'm really
sorry about your loss.
It's never easy.
We're gonna run
outside, do a quick
toxicology report.
We'll be back in,
and, um...
Captain Jack?
He said it was
a dress-up party.
OK.
[Gary crying]
Dangle:
oh, give it a rest.
Give it a rest!
Give it a rest.
Well, nobody asked me,
But the one with
the most motive to kill
Debbie Dangle Frost--
Williams.
What?
Revenge is sweet,
ain't it, Williams?
No. I--
Especially since
your daddy did have
The patent on
the Filmore vacuum nozzle
That would make you
worth over $400,000,
And you'd never have to
sheriff again, would you?
What jus--No.
But what you know, and what
you told me once when
you were really drunk
But you probably
don't remember is,
your dad also pulled out
A patent on Mousetrap,
the board game,
And that was 8, 9 years
after Parker brothers
Had it on the shelves.
He tried to patent
beaver shots--
Just the term
"beaver shots," "threepeat"
Way after Phil Jackson
had the patent.
OK, OK, OK.
Yeah. Batshit
crazy bananas.
So cross you
off the list,
And that brings
us to Trudy Wiegel.
Debbie really did
treat you like
a cunt, didn't she?
She did.
She was bad.
Really, really,
really horrible.
But what people
in the room don't know
and only you do know
Is that when she was
having all that problems
From the gastric
bypass surgery,
Trudy gave her a kidney.
I did. I also tried to
give her my gall bladder,
But it had already
been removed. Yeah.
Didn't want it,
didn't need one,
didn't want it.
That brings us to
Leslie over here.
Real good motive,
considering
That he probably
thought that he was
still in her will.
But what people here
don't know is
That your father's a pretty
well-known politician,
And he pays Leslie Frost here
a stipend of $40,000 a month...
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
To stay out of
Hartford, Connecticut.
That brings us
to big boy here.
Obviously a man like
this would only marry
a lady like Debbie Dangle
For money, but--
Puh-Leez.
The reason that I
was late to this fancy
little accusatory fest
You got going here is
I was out behind
the dumpster with Cindy,
Finishing a Mickey's
big mouth I was
hoping to parlay
Into a hand job.
And that's when I
heard this young
gentleman fucking
Debbie Dangle Frost
8 ways till Sunday.
Guilty.
I hate to blow your
cover, but this man--
Flaming heterosexual.
Gary: flaming.
"Oh, pussy!"
You could hear it
in his voice.
Oh, pussy.
Car rockin'.
Oh, I love pussy.
Dangle: that
explains a lot.
And that only leaves
one person...
[Thunder]
Jim Dangle.
Jim Dangle, who
two days ago went
to the hall of records
To verify that he
was indeed still
the sole benefactor
Of Debbie Dangle's
will, which he was.
Not only is his trailer
full of cyanide,
He also two weekends
ago volunteered
To take an unpaid
toxicology course
At the sheriff's department
down in Carson city.
Unpaid 8 hours on a
weekend to study toxicology.
I love my job.
A man with that
much cyanide,
A man with that
certificate in toxicology--
And it wasn't
really a degree;
It was just
a little certificate
That they issued
to you--
Would know that if
you drank one glass
of white wine,
You'd be fine;
two, you'd be OK;
But if you snorted
down half a bottle
like the water buffalo
That was Debbie Dangle Frost,
you'd be as dead...
Well, as dead as
Debbie Dangle Frost.
Take him away, Williams.
Yes.
[Empty gun clicks]
Gary: put it down.
It's a prop, you idiot.
You already told us.
You was gonna
shoot me?
I panicked.
I panicked.
Sorry.
You's got the right
to remain silent,
And anythings you say
shall be used against
you in a court of law.
You're making
a mistake.
Why would I do it?
Except for the money
and for personal reasons.
Junior: you can drop
the act, Dangle.
Cindy: oh, my gosh.
We ran a report,
and it seems that
little miss former fatty
Had one too many pigs
in a blanket.
It compromised
the integrity of
her lower bowel.
Her stomach exploded.
The staples came out.
It's not murder.
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
[Inhales]
oh. Wow.
No, no, no.
Don't worry.
She was a real cunt
of a woman.
[Thunder]
[Organ playing]
Junior: hey, let's not
tell Dangle.
Wiegel: stir-fried mice.
[Laughter]
Captioning made possible by
MTV networks
I was at...
the chicken
and skate.
Junior: you were at
the chicken and skate. OK.
Rizzo: the chicken
and skate.
Terry: kids skate in
a little rink,
And they skate
around,
And then they
would have the guy
With the little chicken,
and he would go--
And he would throw
chicken at you.
Rizzo: oh, what
a great place to
take the family.
Terry: it was so
perfect for families.
Rizzo: yeah.
Junior: it was perfect
for families.
Terry: my daddy used
to bring me there.
Junior: yeah. It
makes me sad nowadays
That there ain't
a place where
you can skate
And have
people...
[Imitates projectile
firing]
Throw their chicken at you.
I know.
Rizzo: I'm getting
all nostalgic.
OK, so this
Friday, 8 PM,
Murder mystery dinner,
Sierra Historical Society.
I've rented it out.
Should be
lots of fun.
I have very, very
good roles for
both of you.
Raineesha: I's would
like to introduce
mrs. Debbie Dangle.
Debbie: and may I present
my fiance, Gary Werner.
Coming, my love!
Hello!
[Debbie giggles]
Dance for us. Dance,
minstrel. Dance.
You know what, bitch? I'm
his slave, not yours. You're
gonna shut up in here.
Are you gonna
cut me?
Yes, I am.
To murder.
All but Raineesha: murder.
[Debbie giggles]
She's really dead.
Aah! Aah! Aah!
What the fuck.
When are we gonna get
to the murder part?
I've been laying
on the bathroom floor
for 3 hours.
Son of a bitch!
God damn it!
They all have guns!
Ow!
Push them together?
Sheriff's department!
I need your bike!
Aah! Gah!
[Siren]
[Empty gun clicks]
Uh! Uh!
Watch. Over the line.
Aah!
Captioning made possible by
MTV networks
[Thunder]
Dangle: the authorities
are on their way.
Raineesha: hey, we're
the authorities.
I know. Well,
the paramedics are
on their way
Is what I'm--Paramedics
are on their way.
I should have clarified.
It seems as though...
Our murder mystery dinner...
Has become
A "murder" mystery dinner.
The only thing we know
for certain is
That someone in this room
wanted Debbie Dangle dead,
So much so to commit
such a heinous crime.
Takes me back a little ways.
Takes me back
to Cabo San Lucas.
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Dangle: Leslie, I believe
we had had 4 mind erasers
At Sammy Hagar's
party joint,
Cabo Wabo, when you said
to me, and I quote,
"Boy, oh, boy, it would be so
super if Debbie were dead."
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Leslie: I said that several
times, but I was kidding.
We laughed.
What about Gary?
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
[Thunder]
How you doing,
Bernardino?
Now, some folks down
at the piggly wiggly
In the produce section,
real upset--
Been there.
You've been there?
Yeah.
They're upset.
You've been there?
Did you see anything while
you were down there?
I haven't been there for...
70 years?
70 years?
Oh.
Yeah. I mean, I haven't
been there for--
I mean, I was there
70 years ago, I guess.
You were there
at the piggly wiggly
70 years ago?
Yeah. So it's been
a while.
Yeah, that's
a long time.
4:20 this afternoon.
Think hard.
Produce section.
Area with fruits
and vegetables.
A gentleman, Caucasian,
about 5'10", roller skates,
Which made us
think...
Maybe it's Terry.
Maybe Terry
would know this guy.
Maybe the person that works
there is stupid and ugly.
See, it seems, again,
to me like you might
know this person
In the produce
section.
I feel like it's
coming back.
I don't know any
fat women with red hair
in the produce section.
All right.
So this is starting
to fall into place.
Our witness--
Kelly O'Brien--
She sounds
like a bitch.
She was a little thick,
and she wasn't super nice.
She wasn't
super nice.
That's true, but maybe you
got off on the wrong foot
Because what were you doing
in the produce section?
I was... trying fruit on.
Mm-Hmm. That's
exactly what we got.
That's exactly
what she said.
Oh, shit. God!
You see?
Let him go. Let him go.
I didn't think
you could skate on grass.
Look at that...
I didn't think
so, either.
Look at that son
of a bitch go.
[Thunder]
Leslie: what about Gary?
Oh! What about Gary?!
Oh, I'm Gary.
What about Gary,
whose voice-Over
business is being
Lost to India, who I
saw at the gym two
weeks ago nearly in tears
About his loss
of income?
[Ominous echoing thud
on soundtrack]
We all know
that Deb...
Was worth
over...
$400,000.
[Clock chimes]
400,000
US Dollars.
Let me tell you
something
That I have
never told anyone else.
Some miss lady told
me in confidence
that she was
Really
Debbie Dangle's sister!
Hey.
Are you
arresting him?
Yes, I am. He's--
That's awesome.
Just stay back, sir.
OK. I'll stay back.
I want to be you
someday when I pass
the test to be a cop.
You want to see my gun?
I got a gun.
Whoa, whoa!
Whoa, hey!
Oh, ha ha. Whoa.
You got a permit
for that thing?
Yeah, of course
I got a permit.
Sweet!
Yeah.
This is nice.
Yeah.
Uh-Oh.
Uh-Oh. My gun's
bigger than yours.
Yours is bigger
than mine. Ha ha!
Whoa.
So you want to be
a cop, huh?
Yeah.
OK. It ain't as easy
as you might think.
I want to be--My dad
wanted to be one,
but he was in jail,
So he couldn't be,
and I'm on Fluoxetine.
It's like Prozac
but for poor people.
Look, if you ever try to
get on the force--
Yeah?
You don't want
to mention any
mental disabilities.
Oh.
Everyone's got a little
bit of fuck-up, OK?
Yeah.
Yeah. It's a fine
line, you know?
Yeah.
But as long as you
know how to navigate
it, which I do,
Don't bring it up.
Oh, OK.
OK, thanks.
All right.
OK, dirtbag, time
to go to jail.
Yeah, time
to go to jail.
Ha ha! Dirtbag.
Man: hey, do you want me
to take him to jail?
I got a badge. I found
it in a cop car.
My name is
James Dangle.
You're under arrest.
Get in the back
of the car.
Ha ha ha! Awesome!
I'll read myself
my rights.
Yeah, read yourself
your rights.
I have the right
to remain silent.
[Thunder]
Trudy: she's my half-sister,
And she did try
to kill me several times
When we were kids,
but I didn't want her dead.
Dangle:
Deb was your
half-sister?
Trudy: yeah. It was
because our dad--
My mom was raped by--
It's a long story.
By American
Indians.
By an American Indian.
On a souvenir hunt.
Right. He also
raped her mom.
Gary: wow.
But I did not want
to kill her, and I
did not want her dead,
And I did not kill her.
However, I had
a conversation with
someone in this room...
Someone who shall remain
nameless. Jim Dangle!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Isn't it true...
That you told me
on the telephone
not 4 days ago
That you were
thinking
About buying new shoes
for yourself,
Perhaps in brown,
maybe even in black?
I did. I got them
in that Zappos
place online.
They're nice.
They're like--These
were not even--
They were, like...
Trudy: that's all
I could think of.
That's all I got.
They were half
the list price.
You guys ever go
to Zappos?
Oh, yes.
Outstanding.
Next day.
Fabulous shoes. They're
there the next day.
You type in what you want.
You type in your size.
If you want a wide--
If you do it after
you've been drinking,
it's like magic.
[Thunder]
And I suppose you
all suspect me
Because everyone
knows that Deb never
changed her will.
Gary: well, you are
the only one with a gun.
[Thunder]
Oh! He's gonna
kill me
To shut me up! Is
that what you're gonna do?
Well, it won't work!
OK, for real,
this is a prop.
This is
a prop gun
Because I was
gonna kill the
corpse with it.
Why do you have
a gun, Leslie?
This is real. This is re--
I knew I had
to defend myself when
I came here tonight.
The last time I was
at your trailer,
I saw you'd been
stockpiling cyanide.
What?!
[Thunder]
It's true.
It's true, but that
is because we have
A very serious
possum infestation
In the trailer park,
And I knew I wanted
to get rid of
those little buggers
Once and for all.
That's why I had it,
and it has nothing
to do with the fact
That Deb never changed
her will.
And I know that because
I went to the Washoe
county hall of records
To do some investigating.
You can do that
online now.
Trudy: you can
do it online.
Can you really?
Yeah.
You really
can?
You can do most
everything online now.
You know what I
found out?
Can you look up
any records, birth
certificates...
I found my
great-Uncle's birth
certificate online.
The Mormons.
The Mormons do
it for free.
Oh, the Mormons. Yeah.
[Speaking Russian]
I'd say it's a--
A sting operation.
Big problem in the
Russian community.
They have these
sex lines with
underage girls.
Totally illegal.
We're trying to
trace this guy.
They're the victims.
They're the victims.
[Speaking Russian]
Oh, OK.
That's...
Da!
[Speaking Russian]
Da! Da! Da! Da! Oh!
[Speaking Russian]
OK. OK, wait.
We're gonna make him
go too early.
We're gonna blow
him too early.
I think maybe
you better
tell this boy
That you're a little tiny
underage naughty schoolgirl.
Yes.
Rizzo: yeah. That's
a good point.
We could nail him
on this.
Jones: that's right.
And maybe--Tell him
That 5 1/2 inches
is plenty big.
[Speaking Russian]
Declan: what are you doing?
Uh...
uh...
Working on that
underage phone
sex sting, sarge.
Phone sex sting
operation.
All over it.
Declan: that's federal.
That's FCC.
Oh. Ohh. Oh...
Which is why
we're all over it.
Oh!
[Speaking Russian]
It's a real
slow day here.
[Speaking Russian]
Tell the guy, like,
you've been a bad girl,
Give you a spanking.
Dangle: let me take
you back in time--
Back in time to
a young scientist named
La Fontaine Williams.
La Fontaine Williams--
Just a young
scientist working
For the Filmore
vacuum cleaner company--
The company that belonged
to Debbie's father.
La Fontaine Williams--
Father of
Raineesha Williams!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
And was he or
was he not
The inventor of
the couch sucky attachment--
The attach--What
do you call them?
The sucky couch...
the couch--
The sucky couch attachment!
Yes, he was!
Yes, he was, and, yes, Deb's
people stole from my family!
Yes, they did.
But that doesn't mean
I killed her.
White people steal from
black people all the time.
Our hair care products,
our dances--
The blues.
Rock and roll.
All kinds of stuff.
[Doorbell rings]
I'm going to get the door!
Gary: adorable, fun.
So funny.
Oh, even at a time
like this,
It's just fun
to have her around.
Dangle:
they're a
spirited people.
They're like
walking music.
Junior: welcome to
the Caribbean, baby.
Aho!
You said it was
a dress-up party.
Dangle: OK, so
this is--I meant,
By the way,
just dress up.
Dress-Up party, you said.
Be there at 8:00.
Dress-Up party.
Pigs in blankets.
Dangle: OK, "A,"
it's almost 9:45.
"B," you're dressed
like Captain Jack.
I almost went as
Iron Man, but it was,
like, 165 bucks
For a good one.
OK!
Bar is this one.
Super.
Bar is that way.
And let's have
a talk about this
on Monday, too.
Uh, my ex-wife
and his ex-wife
And his current
wife is dead.
Junior: yeah. Murder mystery
dinner. I get it.
No, she's really dead.
She's dead.
Yeah, get it.
Murder mystery dinner.
Raineesha: really dead.
Trudy: she died.
Oooh. I get it.
What you want to drink?
Stepping over you,
mrs. Dangle.
Trudy: don't step in
that. That's real.
How many times has
this happened to you?
You use your credit card
to purchase pornography
on the Internet.
Or for adult-themed board
games or novelty items.
And then you're
getting credit card bills
For motor boats
and fancy trips
to Paris, France.
What happened?
You are a victim
of identity theft.
That's why I always use...
[Machine clanks]
A secure I.D.--
The Master Bait charge card--
The card that's only
for pornography.
No more fancy trips
or boats on me.
Thank you,
Master Bait card.
The Master Bait--
Charge card, that is.
Protect your good name
With a Master Bait
porno-only
Personal credit
card for him or her.
Whoa! Hello, ma'am.
Hi.
Hi. Oh, hi.
Hi, boo.
Hi.
Hi. Hi.
I really--I'm really--
I'm really, I'm really,
really, really glad
That you're here because
I was in distress.
OK. What's--
Damsel in distress.
What is the nature of
your emergency, ma'am?
What's going on?
I was hoping that
you could help me
bust up a chifforobe.
I'll give you a dollar.
Ma'am, I'm a--I'm
a police officer.
I'm here
for emergency...
This is an emergency.
Situations, and I'm
not here to bust
up chifforobes or--
Yes, you are.
Yes, you are.
You would not be here
if you did not feel
what I feel,
Like what I
feel right now,
Like the birds are humming
in the background,
The air is perfect, OK?
I just
finished spaghetti.
Like, everything
is working out.
Lady, listen... um--
Thank you for
calling me a lady.
I can't--
That only makes me like
you so much more
Because you are
a gentleman, you know?
Like, there are so
few gentlemen out there,
Especially gentlemen that
are willing to come here
And bust up
a chifforobe
for a dollar.
Like, that is really ju--
Don't follow me.
See you tomorrow!
I should have never
put my dick in her.
See, that's my fault.
Shame on me.
Shame on me.
[Thunder]
Look, I'm really
sorry about your loss.
It's never easy.
We're gonna run
outside, do a quick
toxicology report.
We'll be back in,
and, um...
Captain Jack?
He said it was
a dress-up party.
OK.
[Gary crying]
Dangle:
oh, give it a rest.
Give it a rest!
Give it a rest.
Well, nobody asked me,
But the one with
the most motive to kill
Debbie Dangle Frost--
Williams.
What?
Revenge is sweet,
ain't it, Williams?
No. I--
Especially since
your daddy did have
The patent on
the Filmore vacuum nozzle
That would make you
worth over $400,000,
And you'd never have to
sheriff again, would you?
What jus--No.
But what you know, and what
you told me once when
you were really drunk
But you probably
don't remember is,
your dad also pulled out
A patent on Mousetrap,
the board game,
And that was 8, 9 years
after Parker brothers
Had it on the shelves.
He tried to patent
beaver shots--
Just the term
"beaver shots," "threepeat"
Way after Phil Jackson
had the patent.
OK, OK, OK.
Yeah. Batshit
crazy bananas.
So cross you
off the list,
And that brings
us to Trudy Wiegel.
Debbie really did
treat you like
a cunt, didn't she?
She did.
She was bad.
Really, really,
really horrible.
But what people
in the room don't know
and only you do know
Is that when she was
having all that problems
From the gastric
bypass surgery,
Trudy gave her a kidney.
I did. I also tried to
give her my gall bladder,
But it had already
been removed. Yeah.
Didn't want it,
didn't need one,
didn't want it.
That brings us to
Leslie over here.
Real good motive,
considering
That he probably
thought that he was
still in her will.
But what people here
don't know is
That your father's a pretty
well-known politician,
And he pays Leslie Frost here
a stipend of $40,000 a month...
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
To stay out of
Hartford, Connecticut.
That brings us
to big boy here.
Obviously a man like
this would only marry
a lady like Debbie Dangle
For money, but--
Puh-Leez.
The reason that I
was late to this fancy
little accusatory fest
You got going here is
I was out behind
the dumpster with Cindy,
Finishing a Mickey's
big mouth I was
hoping to parlay
Into a hand job.
And that's when I
heard this young
gentleman fucking
Debbie Dangle Frost
8 ways till Sunday.
Guilty.
I hate to blow your
cover, but this man--
Flaming heterosexual.
Gary: flaming.
"Oh, pussy!"
You could hear it
in his voice.
Oh, pussy.
Car rockin'.
Oh, I love pussy.
Dangle: that
explains a lot.
And that only leaves
one person...
[Thunder]
Jim Dangle.
Jim Dangle, who
two days ago went
to the hall of records
To verify that he
was indeed still
the sole benefactor
Of Debbie Dangle's
will, which he was.
Not only is his trailer
full of cyanide,
He also two weekends
ago volunteered
To take an unpaid
toxicology course
At the sheriff's department
down in Carson city.
Unpaid 8 hours on a
weekend to study toxicology.
I love my job.
A man with that
much cyanide,
A man with that
certificate in toxicology--
And it wasn't
really a degree;
It was just
a little certificate
That they issued
to you--
Would know that if
you drank one glass
of white wine,
You'd be fine;
two, you'd be OK;
But if you snorted
down half a bottle
like the water buffalo
That was Debbie Dangle Frost,
you'd be as dead...
Well, as dead as
Debbie Dangle Frost.
Take him away, Williams.
Yes.
[Empty gun clicks]
Gary: put it down.
It's a prop, you idiot.
You already told us.
You was gonna
shoot me?
I panicked.
I panicked.
Sorry.
You's got the right
to remain silent,
And anythings you say
shall be used against
you in a court of law.
You're making
a mistake.
Why would I do it?
Except for the money
and for personal reasons.
Junior: you can drop
the act, Dangle.
Cindy: oh, my gosh.
We ran a report,
and it seems that
little miss former fatty
Had one too many pigs
in a blanket.
It compromised
the integrity of
her lower bowel.
Her stomach exploded.
The staples came out.
It's not murder.
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
[Inhales]
oh. Wow.
No, no, no.
Don't worry.
She was a real cunt
of a woman.
[Thunder]
[Organ playing]
Junior: hey, let's not
tell Dangle.
Wiegel: stir-fried mice.
[Laughter]
Captioning made possible by
MTV networks
I was at...
the chicken
and skate.
Junior: you were at
the chicken and skate. OK.
Rizzo: the chicken
and skate.
Terry: kids skate in
a little rink,
And they skate
around,
And then they
would have the guy
With the little chicken,
and he would go--
And he would throw
chicken at you.
Rizzo: oh, what
a great place to
take the family.
Terry: it was so
perfect for families.
Rizzo: yeah.
Junior: it was perfect
for families.
Terry: my daddy used
to bring me there.
Junior: yeah. It
makes me sad nowadays
That there ain't
a place where
you can skate
And have
people...
[Imitates projectile
firing]
Throw their chicken at you.
I know.
Rizzo: I'm getting
all nostalgic.