Reno 911! (2003–2009): Season 6, Episode 4 - Dangle's Murder Mystery: Part 1 - full transcript
Lt. Dangle decides to host a murder mystery dinner, inviting his ex-wife, her ex-fiancé, and her new fiancé. What could possibly go wrong? Guest starring Rachel Harris and Scott Thompson.
The Reno sheriff's
department is reducing
Our carbon footprint and
not relying on Arab oil
Anymore with the first-
Ever electric squad car.
Made in America.
How about it? Made in the USA.
Detroit city, baby.
USA! USA!
Oh, fuck it!
Fuck it.
Jesus Christ!
Oh, fuck!
Junior!
He's arcing. He's arcing.
Don't touch him.
He's arcing.
I think my
fillings melted.
Should've got Japanese.
Should've gone Japanese.
Son of a bitch.
Goddamn it!
They all have guns!
Whoo hoo!
Ow!
Push them together?
Get off the bike!
Off your bike.
Oh! God!
Captioning made possible by
MTV networks
Raineesha... did you
put this in my locker?
I got one, too.
What is it?
Dangle:
you, the proud bearer of
this letter, have been
Invited by James Ron
Dangle to join him
At the Sierra Historical
Society for dinner
And a murder.
There will be intrigue,
suspense, and lots
Of pigs in blankets.
Pigs in a blanket.
We get it.
What are you doing?
Why are you in here?
I was just reading
everything that's
On the invitation that I
just gave each of you.
We can read.
I know, but it's
a funny font.
OK, so this Friday,
8 PM, murder mystery
Dinner, Sierra
Historical Society.
I've rented it out.
Should be lots of fun.
I have very, very good
roles for both of you.
Oh, wait, this isn't
one of those, I show up
And I actually get
murdered or anything.
Not a snuff.
Not a snuff.
Not a snuff at all.
Hey, Cindy, did
you get yours?
Sure did,
lieutenant, honey.
Williams: what if we
can't make it?
Mm, you have to
make it.
Hey, Trudy,
don't eat this.
Let's not eat
this, please.
OK. This is not
like Willy Wonka.
It's not chocolate.
No. This is not candy.
This is just
regular paper.
Son of a bitch.
Here we are.
Oh, man.
Oh, man.
Sheriff's department!
Oh, man, whatever
happened here, we missed it.
Reno 11 charlie 12.
This is Jones and
Junior at Reno's diamond
Exchange on 14th
and Virginia.
We're gonna need
backup right away.
Gentlemen, no need
to be alarmed.
I've already apprehended
this scumbag.
From now on, you are not
alone in your fight to
Clean up Reno.
You have an ally who'll
be on every roof,
Every back alley,
every street.
Whenever you guys need
me, you just call,
And I will be there.
What do we call you?
Call me Nighthawk.
Both: thanks, Nighthawk!
Got a feeling things
are gonna be a whole lot
Better around
here, Jones.
You're damn
right, Junior.
What do you have to
say for yourself?
Ow! What the
fuck?
Are you two
fucking retarded?
Are you really
fucking police officers?
That guy is not a
fucking superhero.
That's a stupid-ass
motherfucker on a bike
Who just stole
all the goddamn jewelry.
Guess what,
Einstein.
I fucking work at the
goddamn jewelry store.
You didn't even ask him
any fucking questions.
I mean, shit.
What's in the bag?
"Thanks, Nighthawk."
You're pathetic.
Y'all can't be cops.
This must be a fucking joke.
Is this a fucking joke?
You two motherfuckers are
really goddamn cops?
Did you see a license
plate on the bike, or anything?
I didn't.
I was so enthralled
with his speech.
I was just wondering if
he had a sidekick
or something?
Weigel: aah!
Aah aah aah!
Oh, Rai! Oh, my god!
What did you do?
What's wrong?
What? What?
I taser--
I taser-pronged
myself in the butt.
Oh, god, Rai.
How did you do this?
I was pretending
like I was a cop.
Oh!
1, 2, 3.
Aah! Aah!
Oh, man.
1, 2, 3!
Go.
OK.
Oww!
No? OK, OK, OK, OK, OK,
OK, OK, OK, OK.
Don't bite her.
Ready? Let it go.
Relax.
Aah! Damn it! No.
Did it move
a little bit?
Something moved.
OK. Oh! Oh! Oh!
Wait. It's coming.
Wait. It's coming.
Oh, it's coming.
Oh! Oh god! Oh, god!
Oh, my... aah!
Aah!
Aaaaaah!
Nothing.
Nothing.
Not a thing.
Not a thing.
We have a combined
200 years of law
enforcement
Education standing
here right now.
Think we could probably
handle this like--
Declan: call
the fire department.
Fire department.
That's an awesome idea.
Fire department,
fire department,
fire department.
Hey! Good to see you.
How you guys doing?
Excuse me.
Hey, fellas, please,
not now, not here.
You can't do this
right here and now.
Come on, not here.
It's my daughter's
wedding, my baby.
Please! What do you want,
me to get on my knees?
No, no, sir. No.
I'll get on my
knees, all right?
No, sir. Come on.
Hide me, will you,
for Christ's sakes?
No. I'm sorry, sir.
Look.
We don't want to do it.
We don't want to do it.
Look at you.
He looks like he enjoy--
Youse want some food?
No. It smells delicious,
but we cannot stay.
We got to take you.
We got to take you in.
Come on.
I'm coming with youse.
Just give me an hour.
What am I asking for?
An hour here, all right?
Sit down.
Enjoy yourselves
right here.
Come on. Let's go.
Where's this stuff
coming from, Mars?
You try this meatball?
Mm, that's, like,
3 different kinds
Of meat on that thing.
That little meatball
is different than
My meatball.
Mm, fire it over.
Here.
Ohh! Oh, my god.
Huh?
Mm. Oh, my god.
Wow!
Terry: can I help you?
Weigel: Terry, you're not
typing anything, Terry.
Yeah, I am.
Typing up books.
All you're doing is
making an annoying sound
With your fingers
on the keyboard.
I'm the fastest typer
in the universe.
Terry, can we
talk for a second?
You know why
we're here?
I think you want to sign
up for a cupcake class.
They have cupcake
classes here?
Yeah. They do...
No,
they don't, Terry.
And then I'm starting
some new ones--Karate
And genital decorating.
Listen to me.
What?
Were you or were you
not pleasuring yourself
In the children's
book nook?
Yes or no?
Did you?
No. I'm asking you,
yes or no?
I'm asking you now.
Did you?
This is not about me.
This is about you.
Were you or were you
not pleasuring yourself
In the children's
book nook?
Yes or no?
You say yes or no.
You be honest.
Yes or no.
No. You say yes or no.
I just did.
Say yes or no.
Yes or no.
One or the other.
One or the other.
One or the other.
Say yes.
No.
Agh! Terry, come on.
Let's go for a ride.
Hold on.
I'm on Facebook.
Shh!
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Send.
Dangle: mwah ha ha ha!
So, we're getting
everything set
For dinner and a murder,
and guess who is playing
Our lovely corpse.
Hey! Boom.
Ha ha ha!
Pshoo!
Trudy Weigel.
I wanted to get a young
girl from the drama
Department at the
university of Nevada,
Reno, to come play the
corpse, but they passed.
Here's it.
People come in; nosh,
nosh, nosh; da da da;
Toast, toast, toast,
"good to see you;" nosh,
Nosh, nosh; "have
a nice time."
I will lead them
into the bathroom.
"Oh, my goodness!
Penelope has
been found dead"
I'm so glad that
you could come.
No, no. You're dead.
You can't.
There's no way you
could say anything.
I think we should put
two things in evidence.
I think this is
a red herring.
You have this.
This is gonna be
a red herring.
You know what that is?
So, obviously--Poom!
Oh, that's not good
for the murder mystery.
No. Impossible.
That's a suicide
mystery dinner.
They stabbed you right
through the middle,
so we're--
You're gonna stick
a knife in my ribs?
Yeah. There's, like,
a knife. We'll fake it.
They'll fake you with
blood and some tape
And macaroni and stuff.
Oh, with macaroni. OK.
So, we'll cover you
with macaroni and blood
And stick a knife
right here.
OK. Ohh! Aah!
No, but you
don't say it!
You don't say anything!
God.
So, let's say
here's what happened.
The murderer came in,
macaroni, macaroni,
macaroni...
Macaroni, macaroni, macaroni,
macaroni, macaroni, macaroni.
Teeth, teeth,
teeth, teeth.
Take that, bitch.
Ow, not my teeth.
Not my teeth.
Then into the face with
the toilet, and then
They do it again, again.
So, she--
Ah, it's drowning.
Oh, then she drowns.
It's a misdirection.
It was always
drowning in the toilet.
I like it very much.
I do, too,
And then,
you know what?
What's that?
I brought this so they
can check and see if
I've been raped.
That would be fun
for the guests.
I feel like that puts
a really dark turn
On things,
don't you think?
I don't have a
lot of parties.
I just feel like that's
gonna ruin dessert.
Coco rico.
Coco rico. OK.
We're back, El
Chupacabra, the cold
Sucker, KPBA 102.0.
ÿquã pasa, chupi chupi?
Hola. Estamos listos,
mi gente.
Yeah. Yo soy listo para
poner my face into
Your breasts.
Ah, Jorge Jenaba,
you are incorrigible.
Well, we are here today.
We have the Reno sheriff
department here to
Talk about...
[imitates motor]
Boat safety.
¡arriba, arriba, arriba!
The Reno sheriff
department remind you to
Register your boat
because it's the law.
Hey!
Register boat.
Register boat.
Ta-Da.
ÿquã es eso?
ÿquã estãs?
What are you doing?
You come into my
house...
yeah.
Asi, dressed like a
cartoon of my people.
Oh.
It is like you come into
my church and pull down
Your police pants
and make diarrhea all
Over Jesucristo.
I did not mean to
diarrhea on the messiah.
You apologize to me.
I apologize.
You apologize
to Chupi chupi...
I apologize.
And then I will say
to you... it's a broma!
I Ashton Kutchered you!
Are you kidding me?
Are you kidding me?
Ha ha! Guaca, guaca,
guaca, guaca...
Agagaga agagaga!
Don't make
that noise!
OK.
[Organ playing]
Mwah ha ha ha!
Mwah ha ha ha!
Welcome to dinner
and a murder.
I'm gonna work on that,
but I think it's pretty scary.
Oh, lord, massa Jim,
some of the other slaves
Done went down
by the creek--
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!
Time, time, time,
time, time!
Timeout! Timeout!
What are you doing?
What?
What are you doing?
This is my costume
for the party, huh?
You're supposed to
be mrs. Haberdash,
my servant.
Why are you dressed
like miss Frizzy
From "Roots"?
Because I thought
this was what I was
Supposed to wear.
Please don't do that.
Please don't do that.
Please don't do that.
I's gonna go get the
door for you, massa.
Everybody is gonna
think it was my
idea. Ah, crap.
[Organ plays]
Massa Jim, I would
like to present massa
Leslie Frost.
Do you love it?
Do you love it?
It is so cute.
Wasn't my idea.
She's supposed to
be mrs. Haberdash,
My faithful servant.
Period detail.
I love it.
Don't you wish you
were alive then?
Oh, I know. In.
Come he.
I love it.
Somebody has still got--
Feel these hands
and the shoulders.
Oh, my god,
feel these lats.
Feel these lats on
this guy, these lats
and traps.
Are you working
lats and traps?
Absolutely.
Who went lats
and traps on me?
Look at you, you
handsome devil.
Thank you. Thank you.
If anybody wants to rape
me down in the slave
Quarters, just
let me know.
Oh, I love it.
OK.
Nobody is gonna
rape you down in
The slave quarters.
[Doorbell rings]
I's better get the door,
huh, massa Jim?
Oh, my goodness
gracious.
Not my idea!
I's would like
to introduce mrs.
Debbie Dangle.
Hello, Deb.
Look at diva.
And may I present my
fiance--Gary Werner.
Coming, my love!
Hello.
Mwah, mwah, mwah.
Can't keep our hands
off each other.
Oh, hello, strangers.
Number one, number two,
number always forever
and more.
Third time
is the charm.
Ha ha!
Isn't it, though?
May I offer you
a glass of white?
Oh, yes.
Sure.
Mrs. Haberdash?
Oh. Yes,
massa Jim.
Let me gets
that for you.
How campy.
I love it.
OK, OK.
We all love it.
We all love it.
Get me a white
wine, slave.
Ha ha! I love it.
Get her a wine, or we'll
take a switch to you.
I'll take a switch
to your hide.
I brought a switch.
OK. That was too much.
We crossed a line.
We crossed a line
with the one.
That was too much.
No one is gonna
switch you.
No one is
switching your hide.
This is what we do.
We check nose, OK?
That's nice.
Wow.
Check the legs,
density of the grape.
That's nice, huh?
Huh.
Now we taste it.
Ah, that's good.
Wow, that's a
good Merlot. Wow.
Youse done?
How was it, eh?
It was great, right?
Absolutely delicious,
sir, but--I'm sorry--
We got to go.
One other thing.
All right.
I'm coming.
I'm coming.
I got to dance
"daddy's little girl"
With my daughter.
I got to do that.
We can lose our job
already just for cutting
You this much slack.
We got to go.
We got to go.
I'll tell you what.
Say hello to my niece.
Apollonia, vene
qua, over here.
No. We don't want to meet
your little niece.
I'm sure
she's adorable.
Come here.
That's my niece.
Wow, no. We can't.
We got to--
We got to go.
We got to go. No.
Sit down. Sit,
take a seat.
10 minutes.
10 minutes,
one song.
Cin cin.
Hey, ching ching.
Ching ching.
Ha ha ha!
Ohh!
Ahh!
So, what's it
like in Italy?
I have no idea.
I'm from Long Island.
Oh, yeah, but I heard
that that's really
Nice, though.
Supposed to be beautiful.
Supposed to be beautiful.
Man: â♪ for the rest
of my life â♪
Â♪ I will love you every second
we're together â♪
Dangle:
welcome to Fontleby manor.
I am lord Chance
Fontleby, fifth heir
Of Fontleby manor here
on the misty moors
Of Scotland...
Ooh!
Ooh!
Ooh!
Aka the Reno historical
society, which we must
Be out of by 11 PM,
and that's a hard out.
For real, we have to be out
by 11:00, really, no joke.
That's good.
We want to get home
and get busy, anyway.
We're trying
to make a baby.
God bless.
And I don't know
nothin' 'bout birthin'
No babies.
Oh!
No, you don't.
No, you don't.
Dance for us.
Dance, minstrel,
dance.
You know what, bitch?
I'm his slave, not yours.
Are you gonna cut me?
Yes. I am.
Goddamn it!
Gary--
Gary!
Look. I'm sorry about
all the slave stuff.
Remember that
Applebee's coupon I was
Gonna give you?
Mm-Hmm.
We're gonna go
75 on that, OK?
That sound good?
That's fine.
OK. Cool.
Come on, grandpa.
I'm going out tonight,
and I can't afford
Regular drugs because
of the sluggish economy.
I need these
prescription drugs
For my heart.
Aw, fuck you,
grandpa.
Give me the drugs!
Uh!
Uhh...
We've all seen
this scenario play out
Too many times,
senior abuse, and all
For a quick high.
That's right.
In Washoe county,
there were over 5,000
Cases of senior
abuse last year.
Yes, over 5,000 cases--
Senior citizens beaten
Stabbed, raped, and
bludgeoned for their
Prescription
medications, and most
Of the drugs they have
won't even get you high.
The drugs they're
taking are to keep their
Arteries functioning
and so they can pee.
They're not good for
recreational use,
So let's make senior
abuse just like grandpa--
A thing of the past.
This has been a
message from the Reno
sheriff's department.
All right, guys.
Let's go.
Just do it quietly,
not in front
Of everybody, all right?
Go ahead. Go ahead.
You know what?
Not today.
You kept your word.
You came back to us,
and we should
Reward that.
We're not gonna arrest
you on this, the blessed
Day of your daughter's
wedding.
Enjoy your
grandchildren.
Are you kidding?
Oh, wow.
Just stay out of
trouble, and we
Never saw you.
We never saw you.
And say good-bye to
your lovely niece
For me, please.
Oh, no, see?
No. OK.
It's all right.
It's all right.
You big guy.
Thank you.
All right.
Oh, no.
Look at this.
You feed the whole
precinct, huh?
Ha ha!
I didn't think it
was gonna work.
What did I
tell you, man?
Italian weddings.
You just go.
You stand in the back.
Pretty soon, some
guys comes up, "hey, I
Didn't do it.
Please, if I could eat--
Have a chair.
Beautiful.
I'm gonna be eating
this for 3 days.
Works every time.
Works every time.
And drink.
No.
Why don't we--
We'll do this
5 times really
fast.
We'll do that
and then--Boo!
Nothing?
No.
Hup! Hup!
Let's double
this up.
OK.
Hup!
Hup!
Hup!
Up. Form. Get your
form up. Boom.
There. Up. There. Boom.
"Nutcracker,"
"nutcracker,"
"Swan lake," and...
Come on.
Come on.
Mm, mm!
Rgh!
Come on!
That was so close.
I feel like
we're right there.
I feel like I'm
right there.
Hup, hup.
Arms up there,
arms up there.
Hup, hup, hup.
Hup.
[Ping pong ball clatters]
Oh.
All right.
All right.
Who's the lucky
bachelor?
OK. 4 more to go.
[Ping pong balls clatter]
Williams:
well, since we short on
time, massa, maybe we
Better get to
fixing to leave.
I don't want to
wait anymore.
I'm not waiting for
any more latecomers.
Let's just do it.
First, let us have
a little toast,
And I'll pick a
murderer, OK?
Everybody good?
Yeah.
I don't remember
where I left--
No. I think this is
definitely yours.
Oh, OK.
All right.
That one is yours.
All right.
Let us toast to
our wonderful once
And future wife.
And to our
future child.
And to...
Cabo...
San Lucas.
Sammy Hagar,
and... to murder.
To murder.
Ah, very good.
You wouldn't believe
it's 3 bucks a bottle.
That is local.
$3.00 for a huge--
You don't taste it.
Deb?
It's earthy,
isn't it?
Deb? Deb?
What's going on?
She's dead.
Yay!
It's fun!
Fabulous.
No, no.
No.
Everyone... she's
really dead.
You're
overemoting now.
Feel her!
She's dead, goddamn it!
She's dead!
Oh, my god, she's
colder than normal.
She's dead.
Aah!
Aah! Aah!
Oh, my god!
Don't move,
don't touch her.
Don't touch anything.
Weigel: Jim,
what the fuck?
When are we gonna get
to the murder part?
I've been laying on
the bathroom floor
for 3 hours.
[Thunder]
Captioning made possible by
MTV networks
1, 2, 3, go!
[Zap]
Wow!
Make her dance.
Make her dance.
Like a marionette.
OK.
[All humming]
Shock her!
[Zap]
Shock her!
[Zap]
Fire department!
Fire department!
Fire department!
Fire department!
Fire department!
This lady was out.
She, uh--
How's it going,
fellas?
Hey, guys.
Hey, guys.
We did this again.
It happened
again.
department is reducing
Our carbon footprint and
not relying on Arab oil
Anymore with the first-
Ever electric squad car.
Made in America.
How about it? Made in the USA.
Detroit city, baby.
USA! USA!
Oh, fuck it!
Fuck it.
Jesus Christ!
Oh, fuck!
Junior!
He's arcing. He's arcing.
Don't touch him.
He's arcing.
I think my
fillings melted.
Should've got Japanese.
Should've gone Japanese.
Son of a bitch.
Goddamn it!
They all have guns!
Whoo hoo!
Ow!
Push them together?
Get off the bike!
Off your bike.
Oh! God!
Captioning made possible by
MTV networks
Raineesha... did you
put this in my locker?
I got one, too.
What is it?
Dangle:
you, the proud bearer of
this letter, have been
Invited by James Ron
Dangle to join him
At the Sierra Historical
Society for dinner
And a murder.
There will be intrigue,
suspense, and lots
Of pigs in blankets.
Pigs in a blanket.
We get it.
What are you doing?
Why are you in here?
I was just reading
everything that's
On the invitation that I
just gave each of you.
We can read.
I know, but it's
a funny font.
OK, so this Friday,
8 PM, murder mystery
Dinner, Sierra
Historical Society.
I've rented it out.
Should be lots of fun.
I have very, very good
roles for both of you.
Oh, wait, this isn't
one of those, I show up
And I actually get
murdered or anything.
Not a snuff.
Not a snuff.
Not a snuff at all.
Hey, Cindy, did
you get yours?
Sure did,
lieutenant, honey.
Williams: what if we
can't make it?
Mm, you have to
make it.
Hey, Trudy,
don't eat this.
Let's not eat
this, please.
OK. This is not
like Willy Wonka.
It's not chocolate.
No. This is not candy.
This is just
regular paper.
Son of a bitch.
Here we are.
Oh, man.
Oh, man.
Sheriff's department!
Oh, man, whatever
happened here, we missed it.
Reno 11 charlie 12.
This is Jones and
Junior at Reno's diamond
Exchange on 14th
and Virginia.
We're gonna need
backup right away.
Gentlemen, no need
to be alarmed.
I've already apprehended
this scumbag.
From now on, you are not
alone in your fight to
Clean up Reno.
You have an ally who'll
be on every roof,
Every back alley,
every street.
Whenever you guys need
me, you just call,
And I will be there.
What do we call you?
Call me Nighthawk.
Both: thanks, Nighthawk!
Got a feeling things
are gonna be a whole lot
Better around
here, Jones.
You're damn
right, Junior.
What do you have to
say for yourself?
Ow! What the
fuck?
Are you two
fucking retarded?
Are you really
fucking police officers?
That guy is not a
fucking superhero.
That's a stupid-ass
motherfucker on a bike
Who just stole
all the goddamn jewelry.
Guess what,
Einstein.
I fucking work at the
goddamn jewelry store.
You didn't even ask him
any fucking questions.
I mean, shit.
What's in the bag?
"Thanks, Nighthawk."
You're pathetic.
Y'all can't be cops.
This must be a fucking joke.
Is this a fucking joke?
You two motherfuckers are
really goddamn cops?
Did you see a license
plate on the bike, or anything?
I didn't.
I was so enthralled
with his speech.
I was just wondering if
he had a sidekick
or something?
Weigel: aah!
Aah aah aah!
Oh, Rai! Oh, my god!
What did you do?
What's wrong?
What? What?
I taser--
I taser-pronged
myself in the butt.
Oh, god, Rai.
How did you do this?
I was pretending
like I was a cop.
Oh!
1, 2, 3.
Aah! Aah!
Oh, man.
1, 2, 3!
Go.
OK.
Oww!
No? OK, OK, OK, OK, OK,
OK, OK, OK, OK.
Don't bite her.
Ready? Let it go.
Relax.
Aah! Damn it! No.
Did it move
a little bit?
Something moved.
OK. Oh! Oh! Oh!
Wait. It's coming.
Wait. It's coming.
Oh, it's coming.
Oh! Oh god! Oh, god!
Oh, my... aah!
Aah!
Aaaaaah!
Nothing.
Nothing.
Not a thing.
Not a thing.
We have a combined
200 years of law
enforcement
Education standing
here right now.
Think we could probably
handle this like--
Declan: call
the fire department.
Fire department.
That's an awesome idea.
Fire department,
fire department,
fire department.
Hey! Good to see you.
How you guys doing?
Excuse me.
Hey, fellas, please,
not now, not here.
You can't do this
right here and now.
Come on, not here.
It's my daughter's
wedding, my baby.
Please! What do you want,
me to get on my knees?
No, no, sir. No.
I'll get on my
knees, all right?
No, sir. Come on.
Hide me, will you,
for Christ's sakes?
No. I'm sorry, sir.
Look.
We don't want to do it.
We don't want to do it.
Look at you.
He looks like he enjoy--
Youse want some food?
No. It smells delicious,
but we cannot stay.
We got to take you.
We got to take you in.
Come on.
I'm coming with youse.
Just give me an hour.
What am I asking for?
An hour here, all right?
Sit down.
Enjoy yourselves
right here.
Come on. Let's go.
Where's this stuff
coming from, Mars?
You try this meatball?
Mm, that's, like,
3 different kinds
Of meat on that thing.
That little meatball
is different than
My meatball.
Mm, fire it over.
Here.
Ohh! Oh, my god.
Huh?
Mm. Oh, my god.
Wow!
Terry: can I help you?
Weigel: Terry, you're not
typing anything, Terry.
Yeah, I am.
Typing up books.
All you're doing is
making an annoying sound
With your fingers
on the keyboard.
I'm the fastest typer
in the universe.
Terry, can we
talk for a second?
You know why
we're here?
I think you want to sign
up for a cupcake class.
They have cupcake
classes here?
Yeah. They do...
No,
they don't, Terry.
And then I'm starting
some new ones--Karate
And genital decorating.
Listen to me.
What?
Were you or were you
not pleasuring yourself
In the children's
book nook?
Yes or no?
Did you?
No. I'm asking you,
yes or no?
I'm asking you now.
Did you?
This is not about me.
This is about you.
Were you or were you
not pleasuring yourself
In the children's
book nook?
Yes or no?
You say yes or no.
You be honest.
Yes or no.
No. You say yes or no.
I just did.
Say yes or no.
Yes or no.
One or the other.
One or the other.
One or the other.
Say yes.
No.
Agh! Terry, come on.
Let's go for a ride.
Hold on.
I'm on Facebook.
Shh!
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Send.
Dangle: mwah ha ha ha!
So, we're getting
everything set
For dinner and a murder,
and guess who is playing
Our lovely corpse.
Hey! Boom.
Ha ha ha!
Pshoo!
Trudy Weigel.
I wanted to get a young
girl from the drama
Department at the
university of Nevada,
Reno, to come play the
corpse, but they passed.
Here's it.
People come in; nosh,
nosh, nosh; da da da;
Toast, toast, toast,
"good to see you;" nosh,
Nosh, nosh; "have
a nice time."
I will lead them
into the bathroom.
"Oh, my goodness!
Penelope has
been found dead"
I'm so glad that
you could come.
No, no. You're dead.
You can't.
There's no way you
could say anything.
I think we should put
two things in evidence.
I think this is
a red herring.
You have this.
This is gonna be
a red herring.
You know what that is?
So, obviously--Poom!
Oh, that's not good
for the murder mystery.
No. Impossible.
That's a suicide
mystery dinner.
They stabbed you right
through the middle,
so we're--
You're gonna stick
a knife in my ribs?
Yeah. There's, like,
a knife. We'll fake it.
They'll fake you with
blood and some tape
And macaroni and stuff.
Oh, with macaroni. OK.
So, we'll cover you
with macaroni and blood
And stick a knife
right here.
OK. Ohh! Aah!
No, but you
don't say it!
You don't say anything!
God.
So, let's say
here's what happened.
The murderer came in,
macaroni, macaroni,
macaroni...
Macaroni, macaroni, macaroni,
macaroni, macaroni, macaroni.
Teeth, teeth,
teeth, teeth.
Take that, bitch.
Ow, not my teeth.
Not my teeth.
Then into the face with
the toilet, and then
They do it again, again.
So, she--
Ah, it's drowning.
Oh, then she drowns.
It's a misdirection.
It was always
drowning in the toilet.
I like it very much.
I do, too,
And then,
you know what?
What's that?
I brought this so they
can check and see if
I've been raped.
That would be fun
for the guests.
I feel like that puts
a really dark turn
On things,
don't you think?
I don't have a
lot of parties.
I just feel like that's
gonna ruin dessert.
Coco rico.
Coco rico. OK.
We're back, El
Chupacabra, the cold
Sucker, KPBA 102.0.
ÿquã pasa, chupi chupi?
Hola. Estamos listos,
mi gente.
Yeah. Yo soy listo para
poner my face into
Your breasts.
Ah, Jorge Jenaba,
you are incorrigible.
Well, we are here today.
We have the Reno sheriff
department here to
Talk about...
[imitates motor]
Boat safety.
¡arriba, arriba, arriba!
The Reno sheriff
department remind you to
Register your boat
because it's the law.
Hey!
Register boat.
Register boat.
Ta-Da.
ÿquã es eso?
ÿquã estãs?
What are you doing?
You come into my
house...
yeah.
Asi, dressed like a
cartoon of my people.
Oh.
It is like you come into
my church and pull down
Your police pants
and make diarrhea all
Over Jesucristo.
I did not mean to
diarrhea on the messiah.
You apologize to me.
I apologize.
You apologize
to Chupi chupi...
I apologize.
And then I will say
to you... it's a broma!
I Ashton Kutchered you!
Are you kidding me?
Are you kidding me?
Ha ha! Guaca, guaca,
guaca, guaca...
Agagaga agagaga!
Don't make
that noise!
OK.
[Organ playing]
Mwah ha ha ha!
Mwah ha ha ha!
Welcome to dinner
and a murder.
I'm gonna work on that,
but I think it's pretty scary.
Oh, lord, massa Jim,
some of the other slaves
Done went down
by the creek--
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!
Time, time, time,
time, time!
Timeout! Timeout!
What are you doing?
What?
What are you doing?
This is my costume
for the party, huh?
You're supposed to
be mrs. Haberdash,
my servant.
Why are you dressed
like miss Frizzy
From "Roots"?
Because I thought
this was what I was
Supposed to wear.
Please don't do that.
Please don't do that.
Please don't do that.
I's gonna go get the
door for you, massa.
Everybody is gonna
think it was my
idea. Ah, crap.
[Organ plays]
Massa Jim, I would
like to present massa
Leslie Frost.
Do you love it?
Do you love it?
It is so cute.
Wasn't my idea.
She's supposed to
be mrs. Haberdash,
My faithful servant.
Period detail.
I love it.
Don't you wish you
were alive then?
Oh, I know. In.
Come he.
I love it.
Somebody has still got--
Feel these hands
and the shoulders.
Oh, my god,
feel these lats.
Feel these lats on
this guy, these lats
and traps.
Are you working
lats and traps?
Absolutely.
Who went lats
and traps on me?
Look at you, you
handsome devil.
Thank you. Thank you.
If anybody wants to rape
me down in the slave
Quarters, just
let me know.
Oh, I love it.
OK.
Nobody is gonna
rape you down in
The slave quarters.
[Doorbell rings]
I's better get the door,
huh, massa Jim?
Oh, my goodness
gracious.
Not my idea!
I's would like
to introduce mrs.
Debbie Dangle.
Hello, Deb.
Look at diva.
And may I present my
fiance--Gary Werner.
Coming, my love!
Hello.
Mwah, mwah, mwah.
Can't keep our hands
off each other.
Oh, hello, strangers.
Number one, number two,
number always forever
and more.
Third time
is the charm.
Ha ha!
Isn't it, though?
May I offer you
a glass of white?
Oh, yes.
Sure.
Mrs. Haberdash?
Oh. Yes,
massa Jim.
Let me gets
that for you.
How campy.
I love it.
OK, OK.
We all love it.
We all love it.
Get me a white
wine, slave.
Ha ha! I love it.
Get her a wine, or we'll
take a switch to you.
I'll take a switch
to your hide.
I brought a switch.
OK. That was too much.
We crossed a line.
We crossed a line
with the one.
That was too much.
No one is gonna
switch you.
No one is
switching your hide.
This is what we do.
We check nose, OK?
That's nice.
Wow.
Check the legs,
density of the grape.
That's nice, huh?
Huh.
Now we taste it.
Ah, that's good.
Wow, that's a
good Merlot. Wow.
Youse done?
How was it, eh?
It was great, right?
Absolutely delicious,
sir, but--I'm sorry--
We got to go.
One other thing.
All right.
I'm coming.
I'm coming.
I got to dance
"daddy's little girl"
With my daughter.
I got to do that.
We can lose our job
already just for cutting
You this much slack.
We got to go.
We got to go.
I'll tell you what.
Say hello to my niece.
Apollonia, vene
qua, over here.
No. We don't want to meet
your little niece.
I'm sure
she's adorable.
Come here.
That's my niece.
Wow, no. We can't.
We got to--
We got to go.
We got to go. No.
Sit down. Sit,
take a seat.
10 minutes.
10 minutes,
one song.
Cin cin.
Hey, ching ching.
Ching ching.
Ha ha ha!
Ohh!
Ahh!
So, what's it
like in Italy?
I have no idea.
I'm from Long Island.
Oh, yeah, but I heard
that that's really
Nice, though.
Supposed to be beautiful.
Supposed to be beautiful.
Man: â♪ for the rest
of my life â♪
Â♪ I will love you every second
we're together â♪
Dangle:
welcome to Fontleby manor.
I am lord Chance
Fontleby, fifth heir
Of Fontleby manor here
on the misty moors
Of Scotland...
Ooh!
Ooh!
Ooh!
Aka the Reno historical
society, which we must
Be out of by 11 PM,
and that's a hard out.
For real, we have to be out
by 11:00, really, no joke.
That's good.
We want to get home
and get busy, anyway.
We're trying
to make a baby.
God bless.
And I don't know
nothin' 'bout birthin'
No babies.
Oh!
No, you don't.
No, you don't.
Dance for us.
Dance, minstrel,
dance.
You know what, bitch?
I'm his slave, not yours.
Are you gonna cut me?
Yes. I am.
Goddamn it!
Gary--
Gary!
Look. I'm sorry about
all the slave stuff.
Remember that
Applebee's coupon I was
Gonna give you?
Mm-Hmm.
We're gonna go
75 on that, OK?
That sound good?
That's fine.
OK. Cool.
Come on, grandpa.
I'm going out tonight,
and I can't afford
Regular drugs because
of the sluggish economy.
I need these
prescription drugs
For my heart.
Aw, fuck you,
grandpa.
Give me the drugs!
Uh!
Uhh...
We've all seen
this scenario play out
Too many times,
senior abuse, and all
For a quick high.
That's right.
In Washoe county,
there were over 5,000
Cases of senior
abuse last year.
Yes, over 5,000 cases--
Senior citizens beaten
Stabbed, raped, and
bludgeoned for their
Prescription
medications, and most
Of the drugs they have
won't even get you high.
The drugs they're
taking are to keep their
Arteries functioning
and so they can pee.
They're not good for
recreational use,
So let's make senior
abuse just like grandpa--
A thing of the past.
This has been a
message from the Reno
sheriff's department.
All right, guys.
Let's go.
Just do it quietly,
not in front
Of everybody, all right?
Go ahead. Go ahead.
You know what?
Not today.
You kept your word.
You came back to us,
and we should
Reward that.
We're not gonna arrest
you on this, the blessed
Day of your daughter's
wedding.
Enjoy your
grandchildren.
Are you kidding?
Oh, wow.
Just stay out of
trouble, and we
Never saw you.
We never saw you.
And say good-bye to
your lovely niece
For me, please.
Oh, no, see?
No. OK.
It's all right.
It's all right.
You big guy.
Thank you.
All right.
Oh, no.
Look at this.
You feed the whole
precinct, huh?
Ha ha!
I didn't think it
was gonna work.
What did I
tell you, man?
Italian weddings.
You just go.
You stand in the back.
Pretty soon, some
guys comes up, "hey, I
Didn't do it.
Please, if I could eat--
Have a chair.
Beautiful.
I'm gonna be eating
this for 3 days.
Works every time.
Works every time.
And drink.
No.
Why don't we--
We'll do this
5 times really
fast.
We'll do that
and then--Boo!
Nothing?
No.
Hup! Hup!
Let's double
this up.
OK.
Hup!
Hup!
Hup!
Up. Form. Get your
form up. Boom.
There. Up. There. Boom.
"Nutcracker,"
"nutcracker,"
"Swan lake," and...
Come on.
Come on.
Mm, mm!
Rgh!
Come on!
That was so close.
I feel like
we're right there.
I feel like I'm
right there.
Hup, hup.
Arms up there,
arms up there.
Hup, hup, hup.
Hup.
[Ping pong ball clatters]
Oh.
All right.
All right.
Who's the lucky
bachelor?
OK. 4 more to go.
[Ping pong balls clatter]
Williams:
well, since we short on
time, massa, maybe we
Better get to
fixing to leave.
I don't want to
wait anymore.
I'm not waiting for
any more latecomers.
Let's just do it.
First, let us have
a little toast,
And I'll pick a
murderer, OK?
Everybody good?
Yeah.
I don't remember
where I left--
No. I think this is
definitely yours.
Oh, OK.
All right.
That one is yours.
All right.
Let us toast to
our wonderful once
And future wife.
And to our
future child.
And to...
Cabo...
San Lucas.
Sammy Hagar,
and... to murder.
To murder.
Ah, very good.
You wouldn't believe
it's 3 bucks a bottle.
That is local.
$3.00 for a huge--
You don't taste it.
Deb?
It's earthy,
isn't it?
Deb? Deb?
What's going on?
She's dead.
Yay!
It's fun!
Fabulous.
No, no.
No.
Everyone... she's
really dead.
You're
overemoting now.
Feel her!
She's dead, goddamn it!
She's dead!
Oh, my god, she's
colder than normal.
She's dead.
Aah!
Aah! Aah!
Oh, my god!
Don't move,
don't touch her.
Don't touch anything.
Weigel: Jim,
what the fuck?
When are we gonna get
to the murder part?
I've been laying on
the bathroom floor
for 3 hours.
[Thunder]
Captioning made possible by
MTV networks
1, 2, 3, go!
[Zap]
Wow!
Make her dance.
Make her dance.
Like a marionette.
OK.
[All humming]
Shock her!
[Zap]
Shock her!
[Zap]
Fire department!
Fire department!
Fire department!
Fire department!
Fire department!
This lady was out.
She, uh--
How's it going,
fellas?
Hey, guys.
Hey, guys.
We did this again.
It happened
again.