Reno 911! (2003–2009): Season 6, Episode 3 - Digging with the Murderer - full transcript

Lt. Dangle and Williams haggle with a convicted serial killer to get him to show them where he buried his victims.

Pull over,
and exit your vehicle

With your hands in the air!

Pull over, and--
Oh, son of a bitch.

He's ditching!
He's ditching!

Freeze, motherfucker!
Goddamn it! I lost him!

Talk to me!
Talk to me, people.

You have a 20 on him?

Man: he's in the back
of the house.

He's running through
the backyard.

OK, lieutenant,
turn right. Turn right.

This way?
That--That way?



Stage--My left or my right?

Your right.

Stage right!

Suspect is entering
the property...

Talk to me!
Come on, motherfuckers!

You're the one with
the fucking view, dumb ass!

You got him. Go!

This way? Right here?

He's right on
the other side
of that door.

Go, go, go!

Yes or no?
Yes or no, dumb ass?

Yes, lieutenant.

Gaah!

Yeah, who's the fucking
dumb ass now?



Son of a bitch.
Goddamn it!

[Tires screech]

Come on.

They all have guns!

Whoo hoo!

Ow!

Push them together?

Sheriffs department!
Off your bike.

Oh! God!

[All talking at once]

Aah!

[Siren]

Captioning made possible by
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Dangle: good morning, gang.

Oh. Hey, the--The people
who make our new ammunition...

Um... it's coming in from China.

So basically, they've said,
be patient with it.

If it don't go,
you just shake it
out of the gun.

Shake it. Shake it.
Shake it.

Shake it out of the gun,
it'll fall out.

I don't why this would
ever come up,

But they also said,
never, ever, ever

Put our new ammunition
in your mouth.

Ever.

Williams: Trudy?
My bad.

Um... as you know,
they're removing
all the asbestos

Out of the station,

Which apparently made up
80% to 85% of the
infrastructure.

I actually heard
the cafeteria trays
were made of asbestos.

The trays were also
made of asbestos.

Um, they said,
within the next 5, 6 days,

It'll all be removed,

Uh, we can go back
to the station,

And meanwhile,
we'll be operating out of, uh...

Captain Crabby's
shrimp wharf here.

Everybody get
their settlement check?

71 bucks.

Whoo!
Yeah.

Not bad, huh?
Not bad.

The, uh--The new rape kits
are in metric.

That's why we can't
figure them out.

Oh no.

They are in metric,
so here's the thing--

What's in a rape kit?
Like, a gag
and chloroform?

Hey, Bernie.
Thanks.

I just don't mean
to interrupt.

Mmm.

We really appreciate
you guys being here.
Sure.

If you could just
cut out the foul language.

The language.
Sure, sure, sure,
absolutely.

And hey,
and it's Bernie?

Mm-Hmm, Bernie, yeah.

Um... did we establish
that we are all
on separate checks?

Yeah, separate checks.

Separate checks.
Great. Awesome.

Thanks a lot.
Thanks, Bernie.
Mm-Hmm.

Junior: oh, come on.
Come on, man.

Don't make a difference
for me. I'm free.

What--What did you
get there, Jack?

This is
the "bet you can't."

This is the first
of 5 plates.

If you can eat 7 pounds
of fried seafood,
it's free.

Hey, Jim,
smell my fingers.
It smells like vag.

It's just crab.

It smells exactly
like vag.

Smells like
crab vag.

We are on, uh,
special assignment

For the state's attorney's
office,

Uh, picking up convicted
serial murderer
Calvin Robin Tomlinson.

Uh, I guess he cut
some kind of deal

With the state's
attorney's office.

Uh, if he shows us
where the body of
his last victim is buried.

I guess he gets
a reduced sentence.

[Buzzer]

Man: prisoners walking!

I don't think
that's right,

I don't, either,
but...

We want to help
the family bury
their loved one.

So what are
you gonna do?

Keep both eyes
on this psychopath
at all times, all right?

He's slippery.
I certainly will.

I'm literally slippery.

Don't try to
humor me, sir.

Don't engage me.

Don't humor me, and
don't engage me, sir.

OK!
Ready to go?

Shotgun!
Heh heh heh!

Yes.

Shotgun, seriously.

I would like to ride
in the front seat.

No.
Please?

No, sir. You will
not ride shotgun
in the vehicle.

Take me back.

No. No, no, no,
no, no, no,
no, no, no.

Mr. Tomlinson? OK.

If you ride
in the front,

Will you show us
where the body is,

Very quickly,
please?

Yes, I will.

Fine. You can
ride shotgun.

Thank you, mustache.

Don't call me
mustache.

Freeze!
Sheriff's department!

Sir,
don't make me do this!

[Gunshots]

Freeze! Freeze!

Sir!

Damn it! Damn it!

He's jacking
that car!

Don't do that!

Don't--Goddamn it.

[Yelling in Italian]

Hey! Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa!

Whoa!
Sheriff's department!

We need this van!

We have to commandeer
your vehicle!

We have to commandeer
this vehicle!

Need you to follow
that car!

Woman:
this is exciting.

Pull over!
Sheriff's department!

Well, it looks like
we've been commandeered

By the Reno
sheriff's department.

Isn't this exciting?
Oh!

[Speaking Japanese]

Deputy Rizzo.

Oh! This is exciting.
He knows Japanese.

We are a very
multicultural city.

On the left,
you'll see our
bowling hall of fame. Yes!

I bowled a perfect
game one time.

That's exciting!

Right here on the right

Is where they used to
hold divorces.

Before 1950, this was
the only place you could
really get a divorce.

Right here,
this is the mayor's house.

Mayor Hernandez--

He was not indicted
on those charges,

Contrary to popular belief.

Oh, god!

If you look--

[All screaming]

Yeah. Uh-Huh.

How's everybody
doing?

That was fun, huh?

Yeah!
Thank you.

Mr. Tomlinson?

The sky is
so beautifully...

This is not
a sightseeing trip.

This is not
a sightseeing trip.

This is not a trip
to Legoland.

We are not going to
Legoland today.

Do you
understand me?

Do you
understand me?

Yes. I understand
what you're saying.

Are you listening
to me?

What does that mean,
two fingers...

I mean,
look at my eyes.

Is that listening
or looking?

Because you--
You're talking listening,

And then you're
pointing at your eyes.

Listen and look
at me!

Your only job
today...

Yes!

Is to take you
to the body.

Take me to the body.

I completely understand.

North, south,
east, west--

Where am I going?

OK. One quick pit stop.

I need a delicious
frozen slushy
fountain beverage,

And then we'll go
straight to the body.

Oh, hell, no.
No.

One quick stop,
7 minutes.

Hell and no.
I agree with
Williams on this.

Hell and no.

Take me back to jail
immediately.

I'm already riding
in the back.

Take me back to jail!

If... I buy you
a fountain slushy,

You will show us
where the body is,
correct?

I'm finding it
difficult to concentrate.

Because of the weapon?

No, because your hand,
it's touching my shoulder.

$115,000 damage
to automobiles.

That's right.

Ran over stop signs.
Sure did.

Broke a storefront
window.
Yep.

3 Japanese tourists
have whiplash,

And we're getting sued
by the tour company.

It's a goddamn team.
Work like a team member.

I got the mayor
breathing
down my throat.

I got the commissioner
asking me to take
your badge.

Oh, fuck the mayor.
Fuck the commissioner.

No, you know what?
Fuck you, Rizzo!

Fuck you!
Fuck fuck you!

Guys. Guys.

Keep it down?

Fuck me?
No, fuck you,
Rizzo.

Fuck you.

I've been on the street.
I know what it's like.

But you play
within the rules.

You bend them,
but you don't
break them.

You're breaking
the goddamn rules.

You're breaking my ass,
and I'm sick of it.

I want your badge,

And I want
your goddamn gun,
you understand?

OK! I'll give you
my glasses, too!
And my badge.

Guys?

Gonna have to ask you
to leave.

OK.
Man, I'm sorry.

Well, just--Where
we are usually,
we can be loud.

So it's--It's hard
to get used to
accommodating--

Um, could I get that
to go?

Of course, yes.
Of course.

One false move,
I swear...

You swear what?

One false move,
Calvin, and I swear...

OK. Take me back, because
maybe I would like

To make a false move
now and again.

Enjoy your root beer
float!

Can I make
a false move?

Enjoy the float!
Enjoy the float.

Here I go.
Nope.

That was a false move,
and you were fine, OK?

We're fine, and you will
get to see the body.

We are fine.

Lift it for me.

Feed me.

Bring it closer.
Angle it.

40 degrees.
Too much.

Calvin...

This is--
This is stupid.

Don't deep-throat
the straw.

Don't you deep-throat--

Is he deep-throating
the straw?

He is.

It's the only way
I know how to drink.

It's not the only way
you know how to drink.

Do you have to
use the potty?

Yes.

You do?

Nnn... not anymore.

Did you tinkle yourself?

A little bit.

Yeah, we're not allowed
back in the station

For at least,
I think, ooh,

What is it, like, 6 days

While they remove
all of the asbestos

That apparently made up
all the flooring tiles,
all of the ceiling tiles.

All of the insulation
in the walls also
was made of asbestos,

Which I--Yeah.

And for two months
after they found
the asbestos,

They gave us
little masks...
mm-Hmm.

Made of fucking
asbestos.

We found that out later,
that's what they
were made out of.

So now that
we're all good,

Does anything
around here
look familiar?

Are we gonna watch
"Cold Mountain"

At your house
or at your house?

What?

Please?

Seriously?
You want to watch
"Cold Mountain" first?

With the director's
commentary.

After we watch
"Cold Mountain"
on VHS in my home...

Mm-Hmm.

You will show us
where the body is.

And you need to let me
deep-throat your pinky.

No, sir.

Deal's off.

Do it. Do it.

Williams: aww.

No. No. Please?

OK. Enough!

Now we're gonna
watch "Cold Mountain,"

And then we go
to the body, OK?

Hit it.

Oh! Well...

It's better
than I remember.

It was long.

But it's a beautiful
movie.

It really is.

It is beautiful,
and she--
Renee Zellweger...

I've written her
so many letters,

And I haven't
heard back from her.

Just a reminder that Friday
is class picture day.

So if you can't
actually order pictures,

Please come and have
your picture taken, anyway,

So that we knew you existed.

Um, so let's now welcome
officer Declan
and deputy Junior.

Uh,
before we get started,

It's actually
sergeant Declan.

I worked, uh,
pretty hard for that,
and, uh...

It's just like
the same way
if someone's a doctor--

You call him doctor,
not mister.

Oh. I'm very sorry
about that.

Look. You can go ahead
and do it again, quick.

Let's please welcome
sergeant Declan...

To the floor.

We'd like to
introduce you to
another deputy we have:

Ms. Ladybug!

Everybody say,
"good morning,
ms. Ladybug."

Who here likes
to be tickled?

I know I do. Yeah.

And who here is
under 15 years old?

See? So is ms. Ladybug.

That means that
in the state of Nevada,

There are places
where you can tickle
ms. Ladybug...

Like right there.

That tickles!

And then
there are places

Where you are not
supposed to tickle
ms. Ladybug.

Rape!

See? So,
when ms. Ladybug asks,

You can tickle
ms. Lady--
Rape!

Oh, come on.

Rape!
Come on.

You saw where
I touched her.
You saw--That--

You saw where
I touched her.

Touched her
in the head.

All right. Sorry.
Sorry, kids.

I'll hold
her down.
Rape!

Shut up. Shut up.
Shut up. Shut up.

[Distorted]
rape.

Shut up. Shut up.

[Distorted]
rape.

[Beeps]

Any question, kids?

Well... heh.

Remind me to
never get raped.

How's it going?

Hi!

We saw your ad,
terry.

What? Which--Um...
I don't--

The one that you put in
where it says that

You're giving out
blow jobs

Under the bleachers
at the little league field.

And ask for terry.

Yeah.

That one.

Yeah.

I don't think that
that was me.

It was--How did they--

How did they spell
"terry"?

With a capital "t"...

OK.

"E."
"E.
Right.

"R.
Right.

"R."
"R."

Right.

"Y."

See? Here's the thing.

I have... 4 "r"s
in my name now. So...

Oh, really?

Yeah, so it's
a different terry.

I'm just here
watching America's pastime.

Hit it!

Damn it, we're losing now!

You know else
is losing?

Iraq?

OK. One quick
pilates lesson,

Then you will show us,
yes, Calvin?

Yes!

Fine. 6. 7. 8.

And we're breathing.

Are you breathing
from your core
as you do it.

Did you fart?

Sorry.

Screw you, grandpa!

If you're supposed
to be the greatest
generation,

How come you smell
like Jell-O and pee?

Now, give me your
social security checks

So that I can buy alcohol,
play the lottery with it.

I need that money
for medicine.

Fuck you, grandpa!

Give me the fucking
money, grandpa!

I'm gonna abuse
the hell out of you
till you do!

I'll kill you dead!

It's a scene that's
all too familiar:

Senior abuse.

Every single day,

Hundreds of senior citizens
are abused

In Washoe county.

They're shaken, stabbed,
punched, shot,

Strangled, and recently,

One was tied to
the bumper of a van

And dragged on a gravel road--

All for their social security
checks.

Senior abuse is a serious crime,

And these social security checks
aren't even for that much money.

This is one crime
that is not worth the time.

This has been a message from
the Reno sheriff's department.

I--I was surprised
when he chose to do
the remake of "Alfie."

I thought that
was pretty weird...

He's brilliant
in everything he does.

You think so, really?

I love Jude Law
so much.

I just feel like
he's--

But in "Cold Mountain,"
and he needs to
make his way back

Through the civil war...
yeah.

I love our friendship.

We're not really
friends, Calvin.

I would like
to be friends.

Hey, are you just about
done over there,

Or what's going on?

Oh, I finished
45 minutes ago.

Oh, for fucks sake,
Calvin.

I need a little wipe,
though.

All right,
you damn convict!

Don't try
any funny stuff!

No one's ever broken
out of that cell

And gotten away
with it alive!

Strawberry
shortcake.

Shh. Shh.

He thinks
he's in a jail cell.

But we didn't have
enough room today

Because they're clearing out
for asbestos.

It's a whole--
It's a whole long story.

Hi, Trude.

How do you spell--
Is it "prepetrate"
or "perpetrate"?

[Whispering]
he's a convict.

He thinks he's
in a jail cell.

Ohh.

Keep it down
in there, convict!

Keep it down
in there, rodent!

I don't want to have
to tell you again,

Or I'll come in there
and toss your salad for you.

Opening up cell block
number 4, boss!

Open up 4!

What are you guys
doing?

He thinks
he's in jail.

Oh, OK.

Keep it down
in there, convict!

Keep it down!

Oh, god! Oh, god!
Down here! Down here!

My cellmate
done hung himself!

He done hung
himself!

Keep it down
in there, convict!

Keep it down. We ain't
falling for that one again.

[High-Pitched voice]
this is the worst
birthday party

I ever been to.

Lordy, lordy!

[Deep voice]
look, woman.

I'm tired of your nagging
and your nattering.

If you don't
leave me alone,

There's gonna be
hell to pay!

Hell,
I tell you!

Why don't you just
go on back,
do your work now

And leave me and my boy
to our own?

We can survive
on our own out there.

I say we could.

We're keeping an
entire negro family?

Goddamn it, Calvin.

All day!

Goddamn it, man.

We were supposed to
have you back 7 hours ago.

You'd better be
right about this.

We'd better find
a damn body out here.

Oh, I'll be right.

You damn well
better be right.

I'm pretty sure...

I don't think
that's good to eat.

That can't be
good to eat.

That can't be safe.
What are you doing?

We're close.
We're close.

1, 2, 3.

10 paces.

1, 2, 3.

2. 3.

He's fucking with us.

Right here...

Right here.

Is not the spot.

Goddamn it!

I don't need to know
what is not the spot,
Calvin.

3, 2, 1.

Up. Power line.

Where's the moon?

I remember the moon
shining,

Glistening on
his rotting skin.

OK.

I can still smell...

OK. Think hard.
Think back.

The bile.

Think back.

The hole...
OK.

The digging.

The digging
is....

The sweat.

We're on it.
This is it right here.

Oh!
Yeah.

Wow. Right here?

Â♪ I've been working
on the railroad â♪

Â♪ all the live-Long day â♪

Â♪ huh, ha â♪

All:
â♪ Dinah, won't you blow â♪

Â♪ Dinah, won't you blow â♪

Â♪ Dinah, won't you
blow your horn? Â♪

Â♪ Dinah, won't you blow â♪

Â♪ Dinah, won't you blow â♪

Â♪ Dinah, won't you
blow your horn? Â♪

Can I borrow
your cell phone?

Don't have mine
with me.

Who would you call,
anyway, Calvin?

1-800-Dark-Twat.

[Sigh]

Well, I got
a health compensation check

From the sheriff's
department for $71

For working in
a asbestos-filled station.

And then I spent $87
on seafood this week

At captain Crabby's
shrimp wharf.

So the way I look at it,
that's, like, 90% off.

Love it. Cha-ching.

Calvin?

[Grunt]

I'm gonna ask you
one last time,

Are you full of
shit?

There is nothing
here, man.

There is fucking
nothing here.

I might have been off.

You might
have been off?

I swear to fucking
god,

If you're off,
I will fucking
kick--Oh, fuck.

That's it.
That's it.

Is that it?
Whoops.
That's it.

You found it.
That's it!

Goddamn it.
It was right there.

How long has he
been down there?

We got him, though.

Uh, 8 1/2 years.

Oh, this is not
gonna be--

Not gonna be
very nice, people.

OK. Here we go.

Tick, tick, tick,
tick, tick...

Why are you making
ticking sounds?

Oh, I'm sorry.
Am I making a ticking sound?

No, you very
distinctly were making
a ticking sound.

Nervous habit.

I won't do it again,
I promise.

It's booby-trapped.

I don't know.

No, I know.
It's booby-trapped.

[Ticking]

Fuck it!
You know what?
No. You do it.

Calvin,
you do it.

Come to papa.

Watch your eyes,
Joe.

[Sobbing]
I'm so sorry.

I am so sorry.

Oh! There you are!

Don't--Don't--
Don't touch it.
Don't touch it.

It's just a body.
It's--Oh!

There you are.
Hands up in the air
right now!

All the way up. Good.

Now, throw your guns
and your car keys
in the backpack.

Do it!

Doing it.
Doing it.
Doing it.

Now come here.
We got to undo these cuffs.

Set that down.

There's a key in my rectum.
Fish it out.

Fish it!

A little left.

Dig in there.
Use your index finger.

Lower. Good.

Good god, you got it
far up there. Jesus.

OK.
OK.

OK. Take this scooter
out, please, both of you.

Come on. Let's move.

Jesus fucking Christ,
this was organized.

Oh, one last thing:

"Cold mountain" sucks,

And what you don't know
about pilates

Could fill a book.

Oh, shit.

What?

I have handcuff keys
on me.

Captioning made possible by
MTV networks

Calvin, right now,
what I need you to do

Is I need you to tell me
where we're going.

You are my divining rod
right now, Calvin--

That mustache is fake,
isn't it?

It is not fake.

Let me check.

Ow! Ow! Fuck it.

Hey!

Don't tug
the 'stache again.

OK?
I promise.

When you said
you wanted to tug
the 'stache,

I thought you just
wanted to touch it.

I didn't know
you were gonna
pull on it really hard.

Well, I assumed that,
you know,

When you say
if it's fake

And you're gonna
check if it's fake,

That means a tug.

Well, you tug
really hard, Calvin.