Reno 911! (2003–2009): Season 6, Episode 2 - Extradition to Thailand - full transcript
Man: do what I say!
Sheriff's
department--
Don't you talk
back to--What?
She likes it rough.
She likes it rough.
Yeah, yeah. Stay
for the show...
You know, there's
openings.
And I saw there's
openings in
Flagstaff, Arizona.
Yeah, I applied.
Did you apply, too?
Yeah, they're not
interested.
They're not--Weren't
taking--
No.
Oh, so their standards
are pretty high.
Yeah.
Aah!
Son of a bitch.
God damn it.
Huh!
[Coughs]
They all have guns!
Woo-Hoo!
Ow!
Push 'em.
Push 'em together.
Sheriff's department!
I need your bike!
Oh, god!
[Sirens approaching]
[Fires two shots,
empty gun clicks]
Uh! Uh!
Boss, boss, you're over
the line.
Aah!
Captioning made possible by
MTV networks
Don't you judge me.
Dangle: no,
we don't judge--
Don't you judge me.
Then don't call us.
Then don't call for help.
OK, but I have to.
I'm in pain.
Andrew!
I'm in so much pain!
Andrew, if you don't
want to be judged,
Don't call
the sheriff's department.
OK, look, look, look.
It is not my finest hour.
Are you stuck in--
In or under?
Side or under?
A little bit of all that.
Can I ask you a question
man to man?
Mm-Hmm, mm-Hmm.
And I don't know her
very well.
Are you going in
the front or the back?
Because I can't
honestly tell
right now.
Right now I'm
doing the front
Because I already--
I sort of messed up
the back already.
[Exhales]
Sort of messed up the back.
Oh, I'm getting
judged so completely!
Kids at home, if you're
watching, uh, uh,
There's a whole lot of
predicaments
In the world you
can get out of
With a simple understanding
Of some physics
and some chemistry.
So what you're
gonna do, wipe.
OK, warm...
hot, hot.
Reach around. And you're
gonna cup her lady parts.
I'll give her the old
reach-Around.
All right? Yeah. Get real,
real, real, real super hot.
OK.
And now, I'm gonna come
in cold on your manhood.
Right, right.
OK.
OK. Ready?
22, 42, 32!
Hut!
Hike!
Aah!
Waah!
[Blowing]
Aah!
Oh, aah!
Hang on. I got her.
She's giving. She's
giving. She's giving.
Oh! Ow!
She just kneed me
in the face.
OK, I got her.
She kneed me in the face.
OK, I got her.
I got her.
OK.
All right. How you
feeling? All right?
All right. Well--
Yeah, it's good
seeing you guys.
Good seeing you,
too, man.
Yeah.
You know, you pay good
money for a shoelace,
You don't need to throw
the whole thing away.
Let me try it.
[Knock knock]
Sorry. Hi.
Um, I was just
dropping by.
Uh, confessing
to a murder.
Uh, basically,
there was a,
uh, a death.
A man was murdered
in Thailand
3 months ago.
It's on
the Interpol site.
And I am wracked
with guilt,
can't sleep.
And I'm here
to just confess.
And, you know, put
the bracelets on me
Or--You call them
bracelets, right?
I was watching
some cop show.
Handcuffs.
All right.
What did you do?
What did you do
again?
Bludgeoned a man
to death 3 months
ago in Thailand.
It's on the Interpol
website.
And these are
the war hammers
that did it.
And I'm here
to confess.
What was
your name
again?
Last name is Coe. C-O-E.
C-O-E.
And then my first
name is Jillet.
Coe?
J-I-L-L-E-T.
There's not an "e"
on the end.
And then there's a hyphen.
I wasn't even
listening.
Sorry.
Hyphen "Ben. Jillet-Ben.
Jillet-Ben.
And then the last name
is Coe.
Cindy, could you
get me through to...
Thailand.
The country
of Thailand.
The department
of justice?
We have got a detainee
who has confessed...
Jillet-Ben Coe.
To a murder in Thailand.
Mr. Gian Diep?
Yes, sir.
Uh, uh... two deputies
to fly him to Thailand?
Uh, yes, sir.
We don't have a plane
here at the Reno sh--
We'd fly first-Class
to Thailand.
Do I--
Do all three of us--
Do I get to go?
Hey.
Hey.
I got a problem.
OK.
This says it is
overnight delivery.
Right.
The date it was sent
is 3 days ago.
Ah, yeah.
OK. Let me
show you something.
Oh, my--
This--This is what
happened as a result
of your tardiness.
Right there.
Is he--He's dead?
Yup.
Then we'll say,
if this were to
come on the day
That it was
supposed to,
who'd be not alive?
You. You wouldn't
be alive.
Don't go there.
That's none of
your business.
So it sounds
like thank-You time.
Sounds like
thank-You time to me.
Not at all. Not at all.
That has nothing
to do with anything.
This is about
the principle
of the matter.
Adolf Hitler.
Familiar with the man?
I am not--Yes,
well, yeah.
Everybody is.
Everybody knows
who Adolf--
Killed 7 million people
basically.
Mm-Hmm.
I'm sure some of
those people would
have been murderers.
Ah--
Just statistically.
Sure.
Of course.
Well--
Shut up. Yes.
All right. Am I Adolf--
All right.
Am I Adolf Hitler
in this equation?
Watch what happens.
So now I can say,
"oh, you know what?
"A bunch of people
didn't get killed because
of those murderers.
Adolf Hitler
is my hero.
That's you.
Yes.
That's an upside.
It's called half-Full.
It's called half-Full.
You're Adolf Hitler.
OK, actually,
I have another
package
That's for you from
John Q. Public,
And it's supposed
to be here today.
So it's in the
truck and, uh...
Good.
I'm gonna need you
to sign.
Have a seat.
OK.
Come on in.
We're clear.
Welcome aboard.
Clear.
I'll be 3A,
which is the window.
Yeah, OK. Just twist.
Can you go maybe
down underhand there?
Hang on.
What? Which way?
Which way?
OK, that's good.
No, that's good.
That's perfect.
OK. How long
is this flight?
It's 14 hours.
But regardless, sir,
we can't have you
in this situation.
It's not safe for
either of you.
No. We're first-Class.
We are first-Class.
I understand.
Why don't you two switch
over here
So that he gets here--
I don't mean
to be rude,
But then we're gonna have
the same problem where this
is not safe for you guys.
Ah, you're
already up, sir.
Why don't you head
up over here?
Ah--
I would insist, sir.
That would be--
3B, 3B.
Do we get charged
to change seats?
Is there, like,
a $50, like one of them
fees that they do?
Of course not.
No.
'Cause on
greyhound, when you
switch seats...
They do charge
you there.
They do 35 bucks.
I want to have
the aisle seat. Thank you.
Wait. If you can just
have a seat, relax.
Oh, stretching
my little legs out.
I like that.
We'd love to bring
you your beverages
and get started.
Whoo.
Yes?
Hey.
Hi.
How you doing?
Great. Nuts?
Yeah. I'll do that.
Whoa. Ha ha. OK.
Hey, these
are warm.
Yes. They're toasted.
On purpose?
Yes.
Toasted nuts?
Warm nuts.
Just don't run with it.
My associate,
Jones, needs
His nuts warmed,
please.
Jones: ha ha!
Oh, you need your
nuts warmed? Here.
I'll get them...
Absolutely.
[Tires screech]
Sã, we're back
On El Chupacabra
because sucking
Con chupito.
Chupy, chupy.
ÿcomo estas,
mi amor?
[Speaking Spanish]
Ah, sã, ready
to suck anything.
And we're here with
the Reno sheriff's
department.
Trudy: well, we're
here from the Reno
sheriff's department...
Covered that.
To let everyone know
that we are having
a Reno family fun day.
Super family
fun day!
Whoa! That
sound like fun!
When is it?
Well, Chupacabra,
it's may 5th.
May 5th.
Whoa! Cinco de mayo.
That's the same
as may 5th.
Cinco de mayo.
Cinco de mayo.
Cinco de mayo.
Same day
as may 5th.
OK, we're going
to have a party
for KPBA as well
On Cinco de mayo.
Where's your party?
Oh, well, ours is
at the Reno downtown
park in the municipal...
The municipal
park.
Oh! That's
where our party
is, too.
¡sã, nuestra fiesta!
You're having
a party, too?
Are you guys
in the parking lot
or in the park?
Ours is in
the parking lot.
In the parking lot.
Oh, like
homeless people.
Ha ha!
We will be inside.
What will you have
at your party?
Well, we are going to
have some homeless people.
We are going
to have 3 dragons
that skateboard.
We're not gonna have
skateboarding dragons,
But we will have
an egg toss...
and...
And it's hard-Boiled eggs
so nothing gets too messy.
Whoo! Yeah!
Oh, we are
going to shave
the police's balls
Until they look
like huevos!
Cocorico! Cocorico!
[Sirens]
[Raineesha clicks tongue]
Raineesha:
oh, here we go.
Hey!
Uh-Uh!
Keep following
the cards.
Raineesha:
the party is
over, all right?
Break it up.
Break it up.
We got to take
you in.
Aw. Come on, now.
No.
You can't be doing this
scam on people.
I know what you do.
You say, "hey,
find the queen.
Find the queen. And then
there's no queen, see?
Holy shit. I just
found the queen. See?
Yeah, you would
have just won $20.
I would have won $20?
OK, but
she didn't.
So wrap it up.
Yeah, yeah. If you
had put money down,
you would have won $20.
That's all I'm saying.
Rai, I'm feeling
lucky today.
No.
No...
oh!
Remember, I found
cotton balls at the bottom
of my grocery bag,
And I hadn't even
bought cotton balls.
This is my
lucky day, right?
No...
Shut up! Here!
Oh, sorry, ma'am.
Â♪ fuck you,
fuck you â♪
Â♪ fuck you,
suck it â♪
One more! Yeah. All right.
Double or nothing.
Never, never, never
down. Look for the queen.
Look for the queen.
Look for the queen...
Where you
at, queen?
Where she at?
Shh--Shh! I heard
her right there.
Sorry.
Squeak! There she was.
Holla back, queen.
Holla!
That's how we do it
in Reno, bitch.
You scaring me now.
Crime do not pay.
Not today.
That's some kind of con.
No way.
I told you, Rai.
I told you!
You should--I might need
to borrow a few dollars.
You see that?
Because you
don't listen.
Hey! Fuck me!
Fuck me!
You don't fuck me
like that.
I'll fuck you.
I will fuck you.
Get him, Trudy.
You got it, girl.
Whoa, whoa. I
just saw a penny.
Rai, I found
a penny.
Dangle: we're at mile
marker 61 on route 8.
We got
a major collision.
White caucasian--
Male. Sir? Sir?
Sir? Are you OK?
Are you OK?
No, I'm not OK.
Could you get me away
from this car, please?
OK, yeah.
He is not OK.
We need EMT's
right away. How long
can we expect them?
I've been in
a god damn car accident,
that's what's wrong.
OK, sir,
stay calm.
Sir, the EMTs are
about 30 minutes away.
30 minutes away.
They'll be
right here.
No, you don't understand.
I'm not gonna make
it that long.
OK, let me tell
you something.
I'm a doctor.
OK.
OK? And I've got
hemostatic pressure
in my abdomen, all right?
I'm gonna bleed out--Bleed
before they get here.
So I'm gonna have to have
you guys operate on me.
Dangle and Rizzo: 1, 2, 3!
Doctor: aah!
Hold on!
Wait, wait! Wait!
What's up?
OK, what is it?
Here we go.
This is good?
This is the absolute
worst possible way
that you could be
Carrying me right now.
Just breathe.
You're gonna be
just fine.
Just breathe.
We're gonna do this.
In the backseat of my car,
There's a doctor's
bag with my surgical
instruments in it.
There's a doctor's
bag? What does
the bag look like?
It's a fucking
doctor's bag.
OK!
Can you describe
it more specifically
or just is it--
You ever seen "little
house on the prairie"?!
Don't worry about it.
You ever seen doc baker
on "little house
on the prairie"?
You seen a doctor's
bag before?
You just
keep breathing.
I see it!
Hold on. Hold on.
Come over here.
"I shaved my balls
for this?"
Really?
You know, when I was
a kid, we would wear,
I remember,
a nice tube top.
I'd get all dressed
up in my koolats...
Ho ho ho!
My gauchos,
my pumps, a brassiere,
a pocketbook.
And I'd shuffle off
to school like a lady.
Stop! Turn around.
Ohh! You did this
on purpose.
Come here. Huh?!
She gonna take
her rubber band to
tie up her shirt.
There.
Yes, now you look
like you going
somewhere in life.
Mm-Hmm. Mm! Work it. Mm!
Ah, ah, ah. Really?
Seriously?
What is this?
Raineesha,
what the hell...
This nonsense,
this foolishness,
I don't even understand
what all this--
Take them damn glasses off.
Listen, mama loves you.
All right? And I want
the best for you.
All right?
This is some
expensive hair.
And you gonna let it swing.
You understand me?
Get your ass to class.
And I'm gonna see you
after school, all right?
That's right.
That's right!
That's your daughter
Danielle.
That girl is cute.
She looks terrific.
You know, you were
right about the implants.
They look great on her.
Don't they?
Yeah.
Make a 3-Inch
incision above
my appendix.
Aah!
Aah!
Damn it.
I got it, I got it.
I got it.
Oh, my god.
What does the spleen
look like, doc?
Aah! God!
OK, the spleen--
The spleen looks
like a piece of
uncooked halibut.
"Uncooked halibut"?
What exactly does
a halibut look like?
It's a white fish.
It's a white fish...
is it a large fish?
No. It's a light
white fish.
OK, it's not
too heavy.
Oh, god. OK, wait.
Hang on. Is that it?
Is that it? Right?
No, no!
That's my liver.
No, no, no! Put it back.
Put it back! Put it back!
[Cell phone rings]
Oh, god.
OK.
That's
the hospital
ringtone.
Who's that?
I need you to
answer that.
Where's your phone?
Where's your phone?
In my right
pocket.
Where's your phone?
Where's your phone?
Dr. B. Rosen's phone?
Uh, yeah, he's a little
tied up right now.
Oh, god!
Uh, it's an emergency.
It's your office.
It's about Deborah,
your patient Deborah.
OK, no,
it's Deborah.
That's one of
my patients.
She's having
a baby, OK?
She's into labor.
Oh, my god. OK,
Deborah's in labor?
What--What am I
supposed to ask?
I'm gonna have to talk
her husband
Through the delivery.
OK, OK, we're going
to talk her through
the delivery. Hang on.
I need him to look
at her vagina.
How much is
she dilated?
Look at her vagina.
How dilated is it?
Is it the size
of the top of
a soup can?
Is it the size of
a top of a soup can?
It's bigger than that.
It's a little bigger
than that.
OK. The baby's
coming. It's
almost there, OK?
Just keep pushing,
all right?
Let me know when
the shoulders come
through the cervix.
OK, have you seen
the shoulders? Can you
see shoulders yet?
Are the shoulders
coming out yet?
You push! Yes, they
can see the shoulders!
Keep pushing.
Keep pushing. Oh, my god.
Oh, my god!
They did it! It's out!
They got it?!
It's out!
Listen! Listen!
That's good. OK.
Oh, my god!
That's wonderful!
I need you to--
We're happy you did it.
Dangle and Rizzo:
congratulations!
I need you to tie off
the umbilical cord.
Rizzo and Dangle:
tie off the umbilical cord.
No, no, no!
No, no, no! They tie off
the umbilical cord.
Andy needs
to tie off
the umbilical cord
Of their new infant.
Andy, you need to tie
off the umbilical cord.
He doesn't have
an umbilical cord. You
obviously don't have an...
Then what is this?!
Snip it and then clamp it?
Snip and clamp.
Snip and clamp.
Got it! Got it! Got it!
Go ahead and clamp
it very tight.
You did great,
you guys.
Stitch...
You did great,
guys.
OK, just
apply pressure.
OK.
Ohh, OK. OK.
Â♪ goody, goody, goody,
goody goody bags â♪
Â♪ I just got
a little goody bag â♪
Oh! I got
socks. What'd
you get?
Â♪ I'm gonna open it
and see what's inside â♪
Â♪ 'cause I got a goody bag â♪
Tissues.
Jones: oh, I don't want--
I don't want--No.
How much is that?
It's complimentary.
Complimentary, meaning...
Again, free.
It always means
free. Here.
Oh!
Could I get
a vodka martini,
please?
Shaken,
not stirred,
A little dirty
with two olives.
Put a shot
of jage
in there.
Oh, OK.
[Bell tolls]
Ah, ah, ah!
That's a Reno no-No.
If you have toddlers
in the house, keep
your guns up high
And out of reach.
Remember...
If it's got bullets
and a trigger,
Keep it up high
until they get bigger.
[Bell tolls]
The same with poisons.
And drugs.
If it gets you high
or makes you sick,
Throw it up high
and put it there quick.
The same with
hardcore pornography,
like girl on girl
And full penetration
fetish magazines.
Put that porn
in its proper place.
This has been a message
from your Reno
sheriff's department.
[Officers and Jillet in
high-pitched voices:]
â♪ Caribbean queen â♪
Â♪ now we're sharin'
the same dream â♪
Â♪ that our hearts may
beat as one â♪
Excuse me. Hi.
Could you all just
please keep it down?
[Softer]
â♪ and no more
love on the run â♪
Â♪ Caribbean queen â♪
Â♪ now we're sharin'
the same dream... â♪
I'll go high.
You go low.
Â♪ and that our heart â♪
Â♪ may beat as one â♪
Yeah, do it.
Â♪ now my love... â♪
Could you
stop singing?
Oh, ha ha!
Mile high club!
Whoo, whoo!
All right. Which one
of you masturbated
in the bathroom?
Not--Not me. I was
cuffed to a lawman.
The mirror is a mess.
Junior:
that don't count.
That don't count.
That counts.
That totally counts.
That don't count.
Yeah, of course it does.
No, that don't
count...
Does that count?
It counts.
Did you send me
a stripper?
You like it?!
I don't.
I don't like it.
Oh, my god.
I got a good price
on that one for you!
Cindy, I'm not--
I'm not into girls.
And it was very
uncomfortable for me.
Oh, no.
Yes...
Oh, no!
I take care of
an elderly woman
on Sundays,
And she was over
at my house.
Oh, my god.
Yeah.
Oh, I didn't
know that.
Yeah.
Oh, she is
the best one, though.
She was good.
She is the best one
in the whole area.
Yeah, she was good.
I'm not sure
How I'm gonna
get my carpet
completely clean.
Oh! She--Oh!
You know, she has
trained many year
to do that skill.
Yeah. Oh, she--
She has mastered
it completely.
Oh, oh, that's
so good. I'm happy.
Yeah, and she stayed
a long time.
I think she was
waiting for her tip.
Did you tip her?
I was supposed
to tip her?
Yeah, then that's when
they leave, you see.
It was a gift!
Yeah, but still,
you know, even if
you pay for it,
You should tip...
You still tip
on a gift?
And then
they leave, yeah.
Oh, now
I'm humiliated.
Yeah.
Well, here.
Will you send
her back to my
house this weekend
And tell her
I'll give her
an extra great tip?
OK.
Just--It's only
because--Not because
I'm interested,
But just because...
Yeah. It's polite.
You know, because
I'm embarrassed.
Yeah, that, too.
Yeah.
OK, I'm sorr--I never
send girl dancer
ever again.
Never. This
Saturday...
OK.
Again, but never
after that.
OK. Oh, one more time...
Yeah.
Only.
You guys did real
good today.
Ah, come on.
It was the least
we could do.
Yeah.
Come on, doc.
You did good.
That's right.
You did good.
You delivered a baby
into the world.
Oh, my god!
I forgot.
It was a girl!
Hey! Hey!
Congratulations.
Yeah, I know
it was, all right?
I'm a doctor.
I saw the ultrasound,
so... heh heh.
Oh...
All right.
Of course. Well,
that would make sense.
Of course he knew.
Sure. You knew
that already.
It was exciting for us.
It was exciting.
I thought it would
be fun to tell you.
Sure, yeah. But
I knew it already.
So, listen,
if my cell phone
turns up, all right,
Would you make sure
you send it over to
st. Clark's medical center?
You betcha.
Will do.
You betcha.
OK, thank you.
Excellent.
All right.
We will.
Godspeed.
I was holding it,
and then I...
I saw you with it.
And then you
put it down...
I--I know.
And, uh...
I know.
And my watch is gone.
My watch was here.
I know I had my watch.
At some point, we'll
go over there, and
we'll find them both.
You know,
for a guy who's
being extradited
For crimes in
Thailand...
Mm...
You're pretty
fucking weird.
Well, I've never
been to Thailand.
Ha ha ha!
This guy, this big old guy
got murdered in Thailand.
Someone bludgeoned him.
And I just said,
"you know what I'm gonna do?
"I'm just gonna--
I'm gonna confess."
I put my hand up.
And I thought,
I'll get a plane ride
with drinks and gifts.
I didn't think it
was gonna go this far.
And here I--Here we are.
We was having drinks,
and he made himself
happy in the bathroom,
And all this free stuff.
And look at all
these little--
Â♪ little tiny soldiers
on my armrest â♪
It just worked out. Mm.
[Jones laughing]
Thailand!
Jones:
we're going to Thailand!
And we're gonna
keep that eye on
you every minute.
No. You're welcome.
Oh, you better.
Look at this.
Thailand!
Officers and Coe:
Thailand! Thailand!
Thailand! Thailand!
Woman: OK, stop, please.
Please. Quiet, OK?
Hi.
We--Hi. You're
being ejected...
Huh? Wha...
From
the plane, yes.
Jones: you're gonna turn
this plane around?
We're already
halfway there. Ha ha ha!
We're still on
the ground. Okay?
We haven't left
the gate.
You've gone through
6 bottles of champagne
in 28 minutes.
Ooh.
Uh-Oh.
Shit.
Yeah.
Our bad.
Our bad.
Captioning made possible by
MTV networks
Junior:
and the marshal's
already out there?
Yes.
Coe: all right.
Hang on, hang on. Look.
Junior: well,
I will just--
Woman: I'm sorry,
everyone.
Coe: I made two
puppet friends.
Woman:
OK. That's very nice.
Junior:
from the plane. Now...
Second woman:
please exit quickly
and quietly, please.
Jones: I got it.
I got it, OK?
Woman: exit. Come
with me. Come quietly.
Junior: saving
the marshal a little
bit of work here.
Coe: all right.
Junior: all right.
Coe: hang on. Let
me grab on to the
bottom of your coat.
Just--Good-Bye.
Good-Bye.
I'm so sorry,
everyone.
We'll be taking off
shortly. Thank you
for your patience.
Coe: "the Muppet
show. Ha ha ha!
Good-Bye.
Sheriff's
department--
Don't you talk
back to--What?
She likes it rough.
She likes it rough.
Yeah, yeah. Stay
for the show...
You know, there's
openings.
And I saw there's
openings in
Flagstaff, Arizona.
Yeah, I applied.
Did you apply, too?
Yeah, they're not
interested.
They're not--Weren't
taking--
No.
Oh, so their standards
are pretty high.
Yeah.
Aah!
Son of a bitch.
God damn it.
Huh!
[Coughs]
They all have guns!
Woo-Hoo!
Ow!
Push 'em.
Push 'em together.
Sheriff's department!
I need your bike!
Oh, god!
[Sirens approaching]
[Fires two shots,
empty gun clicks]
Uh! Uh!
Boss, boss, you're over
the line.
Aah!
Captioning made possible by
MTV networks
Don't you judge me.
Dangle: no,
we don't judge--
Don't you judge me.
Then don't call us.
Then don't call for help.
OK, but I have to.
I'm in pain.
Andrew!
I'm in so much pain!
Andrew, if you don't
want to be judged,
Don't call
the sheriff's department.
OK, look, look, look.
It is not my finest hour.
Are you stuck in--
In or under?
Side or under?
A little bit of all that.
Can I ask you a question
man to man?
Mm-Hmm, mm-Hmm.
And I don't know her
very well.
Are you going in
the front or the back?
Because I can't
honestly tell
right now.
Right now I'm
doing the front
Because I already--
I sort of messed up
the back already.
[Exhales]
Sort of messed up the back.
Oh, I'm getting
judged so completely!
Kids at home, if you're
watching, uh, uh,
There's a whole lot of
predicaments
In the world you
can get out of
With a simple understanding
Of some physics
and some chemistry.
So what you're
gonna do, wipe.
OK, warm...
hot, hot.
Reach around. And you're
gonna cup her lady parts.
I'll give her the old
reach-Around.
All right? Yeah. Get real,
real, real, real super hot.
OK.
And now, I'm gonna come
in cold on your manhood.
Right, right.
OK.
OK. Ready?
22, 42, 32!
Hut!
Hike!
Aah!
Waah!
[Blowing]
Aah!
Oh, aah!
Hang on. I got her.
She's giving. She's
giving. She's giving.
Oh! Ow!
She just kneed me
in the face.
OK, I got her.
She kneed me in the face.
OK, I got her.
I got her.
OK.
All right. How you
feeling? All right?
All right. Well--
Yeah, it's good
seeing you guys.
Good seeing you,
too, man.
Yeah.
You know, you pay good
money for a shoelace,
You don't need to throw
the whole thing away.
Let me try it.
[Knock knock]
Sorry. Hi.
Um, I was just
dropping by.
Uh, confessing
to a murder.
Uh, basically,
there was a,
uh, a death.
A man was murdered
in Thailand
3 months ago.
It's on
the Interpol site.
And I am wracked
with guilt,
can't sleep.
And I'm here
to just confess.
And, you know, put
the bracelets on me
Or--You call them
bracelets, right?
I was watching
some cop show.
Handcuffs.
All right.
What did you do?
What did you do
again?
Bludgeoned a man
to death 3 months
ago in Thailand.
It's on the Interpol
website.
And these are
the war hammers
that did it.
And I'm here
to confess.
What was
your name
again?
Last name is Coe. C-O-E.
C-O-E.
And then my first
name is Jillet.
Coe?
J-I-L-L-E-T.
There's not an "e"
on the end.
And then there's a hyphen.
I wasn't even
listening.
Sorry.
Hyphen "Ben. Jillet-Ben.
Jillet-Ben.
And then the last name
is Coe.
Cindy, could you
get me through to...
Thailand.
The country
of Thailand.
The department
of justice?
We have got a detainee
who has confessed...
Jillet-Ben Coe.
To a murder in Thailand.
Mr. Gian Diep?
Yes, sir.
Uh, uh... two deputies
to fly him to Thailand?
Uh, yes, sir.
We don't have a plane
here at the Reno sh--
We'd fly first-Class
to Thailand.
Do I--
Do all three of us--
Do I get to go?
Hey.
Hey.
I got a problem.
OK.
This says it is
overnight delivery.
Right.
The date it was sent
is 3 days ago.
Ah, yeah.
OK. Let me
show you something.
Oh, my--
This--This is what
happened as a result
of your tardiness.
Right there.
Is he--He's dead?
Yup.
Then we'll say,
if this were to
come on the day
That it was
supposed to,
who'd be not alive?
You. You wouldn't
be alive.
Don't go there.
That's none of
your business.
So it sounds
like thank-You time.
Sounds like
thank-You time to me.
Not at all. Not at all.
That has nothing
to do with anything.
This is about
the principle
of the matter.
Adolf Hitler.
Familiar with the man?
I am not--Yes,
well, yeah.
Everybody is.
Everybody knows
who Adolf--
Killed 7 million people
basically.
Mm-Hmm.
I'm sure some of
those people would
have been murderers.
Ah--
Just statistically.
Sure.
Of course.
Well--
Shut up. Yes.
All right. Am I Adolf--
All right.
Am I Adolf Hitler
in this equation?
Watch what happens.
So now I can say,
"oh, you know what?
"A bunch of people
didn't get killed because
of those murderers.
Adolf Hitler
is my hero.
That's you.
Yes.
That's an upside.
It's called half-Full.
It's called half-Full.
You're Adolf Hitler.
OK, actually,
I have another
package
That's for you from
John Q. Public,
And it's supposed
to be here today.
So it's in the
truck and, uh...
Good.
I'm gonna need you
to sign.
Have a seat.
OK.
Come on in.
We're clear.
Welcome aboard.
Clear.
I'll be 3A,
which is the window.
Yeah, OK. Just twist.
Can you go maybe
down underhand there?
Hang on.
What? Which way?
Which way?
OK, that's good.
No, that's good.
That's perfect.
OK. How long
is this flight?
It's 14 hours.
But regardless, sir,
we can't have you
in this situation.
It's not safe for
either of you.
No. We're first-Class.
We are first-Class.
I understand.
Why don't you two switch
over here
So that he gets here--
I don't mean
to be rude,
But then we're gonna have
the same problem where this
is not safe for you guys.
Ah, you're
already up, sir.
Why don't you head
up over here?
Ah--
I would insist, sir.
That would be--
3B, 3B.
Do we get charged
to change seats?
Is there, like,
a $50, like one of them
fees that they do?
Of course not.
No.
'Cause on
greyhound, when you
switch seats...
They do charge
you there.
They do 35 bucks.
I want to have
the aisle seat. Thank you.
Wait. If you can just
have a seat, relax.
Oh, stretching
my little legs out.
I like that.
We'd love to bring
you your beverages
and get started.
Whoo.
Yes?
Hey.
Hi.
How you doing?
Great. Nuts?
Yeah. I'll do that.
Whoa. Ha ha. OK.
Hey, these
are warm.
Yes. They're toasted.
On purpose?
Yes.
Toasted nuts?
Warm nuts.
Just don't run with it.
My associate,
Jones, needs
His nuts warmed,
please.
Jones: ha ha!
Oh, you need your
nuts warmed? Here.
I'll get them...
Absolutely.
[Tires screech]
Sã, we're back
On El Chupacabra
because sucking
Con chupito.
Chupy, chupy.
ÿcomo estas,
mi amor?
[Speaking Spanish]
Ah, sã, ready
to suck anything.
And we're here with
the Reno sheriff's
department.
Trudy: well, we're
here from the Reno
sheriff's department...
Covered that.
To let everyone know
that we are having
a Reno family fun day.
Super family
fun day!
Whoa! That
sound like fun!
When is it?
Well, Chupacabra,
it's may 5th.
May 5th.
Whoa! Cinco de mayo.
That's the same
as may 5th.
Cinco de mayo.
Cinco de mayo.
Cinco de mayo.
Same day
as may 5th.
OK, we're going
to have a party
for KPBA as well
On Cinco de mayo.
Where's your party?
Oh, well, ours is
at the Reno downtown
park in the municipal...
The municipal
park.
Oh! That's
where our party
is, too.
¡sã, nuestra fiesta!
You're having
a party, too?
Are you guys
in the parking lot
or in the park?
Ours is in
the parking lot.
In the parking lot.
Oh, like
homeless people.
Ha ha!
We will be inside.
What will you have
at your party?
Well, we are going to
have some homeless people.
We are going
to have 3 dragons
that skateboard.
We're not gonna have
skateboarding dragons,
But we will have
an egg toss...
and...
And it's hard-Boiled eggs
so nothing gets too messy.
Whoo! Yeah!
Oh, we are
going to shave
the police's balls
Until they look
like huevos!
Cocorico! Cocorico!
[Sirens]
[Raineesha clicks tongue]
Raineesha:
oh, here we go.
Hey!
Uh-Uh!
Keep following
the cards.
Raineesha:
the party is
over, all right?
Break it up.
Break it up.
We got to take
you in.
Aw. Come on, now.
No.
You can't be doing this
scam on people.
I know what you do.
You say, "hey,
find the queen.
Find the queen. And then
there's no queen, see?
Holy shit. I just
found the queen. See?
Yeah, you would
have just won $20.
I would have won $20?
OK, but
she didn't.
So wrap it up.
Yeah, yeah. If you
had put money down,
you would have won $20.
That's all I'm saying.
Rai, I'm feeling
lucky today.
No.
No...
oh!
Remember, I found
cotton balls at the bottom
of my grocery bag,
And I hadn't even
bought cotton balls.
This is my
lucky day, right?
No...
Shut up! Here!
Oh, sorry, ma'am.
Â♪ fuck you,
fuck you â♪
Â♪ fuck you,
suck it â♪
One more! Yeah. All right.
Double or nothing.
Never, never, never
down. Look for the queen.
Look for the queen.
Look for the queen...
Where you
at, queen?
Where she at?
Shh--Shh! I heard
her right there.
Sorry.
Squeak! There she was.
Holla back, queen.
Holla!
That's how we do it
in Reno, bitch.
You scaring me now.
Crime do not pay.
Not today.
That's some kind of con.
No way.
I told you, Rai.
I told you!
You should--I might need
to borrow a few dollars.
You see that?
Because you
don't listen.
Hey! Fuck me!
Fuck me!
You don't fuck me
like that.
I'll fuck you.
I will fuck you.
Get him, Trudy.
You got it, girl.
Whoa, whoa. I
just saw a penny.
Rai, I found
a penny.
Dangle: we're at mile
marker 61 on route 8.
We got
a major collision.
White caucasian--
Male. Sir? Sir?
Sir? Are you OK?
Are you OK?
No, I'm not OK.
Could you get me away
from this car, please?
OK, yeah.
He is not OK.
We need EMT's
right away. How long
can we expect them?
I've been in
a god damn car accident,
that's what's wrong.
OK, sir,
stay calm.
Sir, the EMTs are
about 30 minutes away.
30 minutes away.
They'll be
right here.
No, you don't understand.
I'm not gonna make
it that long.
OK, let me tell
you something.
I'm a doctor.
OK.
OK? And I've got
hemostatic pressure
in my abdomen, all right?
I'm gonna bleed out--Bleed
before they get here.
So I'm gonna have to have
you guys operate on me.
Dangle and Rizzo: 1, 2, 3!
Doctor: aah!
Hold on!
Wait, wait! Wait!
What's up?
OK, what is it?
Here we go.
This is good?
This is the absolute
worst possible way
that you could be
Carrying me right now.
Just breathe.
You're gonna be
just fine.
Just breathe.
We're gonna do this.
In the backseat of my car,
There's a doctor's
bag with my surgical
instruments in it.
There's a doctor's
bag? What does
the bag look like?
It's a fucking
doctor's bag.
OK!
Can you describe
it more specifically
or just is it--
You ever seen "little
house on the prairie"?!
Don't worry about it.
You ever seen doc baker
on "little house
on the prairie"?
You seen a doctor's
bag before?
You just
keep breathing.
I see it!
Hold on. Hold on.
Come over here.
"I shaved my balls
for this?"
Really?
You know, when I was
a kid, we would wear,
I remember,
a nice tube top.
I'd get all dressed
up in my koolats...
Ho ho ho!
My gauchos,
my pumps, a brassiere,
a pocketbook.
And I'd shuffle off
to school like a lady.
Stop! Turn around.
Ohh! You did this
on purpose.
Come here. Huh?!
She gonna take
her rubber band to
tie up her shirt.
There.
Yes, now you look
like you going
somewhere in life.
Mm-Hmm. Mm! Work it. Mm!
Ah, ah, ah. Really?
Seriously?
What is this?
Raineesha,
what the hell...
This nonsense,
this foolishness,
I don't even understand
what all this--
Take them damn glasses off.
Listen, mama loves you.
All right? And I want
the best for you.
All right?
This is some
expensive hair.
And you gonna let it swing.
You understand me?
Get your ass to class.
And I'm gonna see you
after school, all right?
That's right.
That's right!
That's your daughter
Danielle.
That girl is cute.
She looks terrific.
You know, you were
right about the implants.
They look great on her.
Don't they?
Yeah.
Make a 3-Inch
incision above
my appendix.
Aah!
Aah!
Damn it.
I got it, I got it.
I got it.
Oh, my god.
What does the spleen
look like, doc?
Aah! God!
OK, the spleen--
The spleen looks
like a piece of
uncooked halibut.
"Uncooked halibut"?
What exactly does
a halibut look like?
It's a white fish.
It's a white fish...
is it a large fish?
No. It's a light
white fish.
OK, it's not
too heavy.
Oh, god. OK, wait.
Hang on. Is that it?
Is that it? Right?
No, no!
That's my liver.
No, no, no! Put it back.
Put it back! Put it back!
[Cell phone rings]
Oh, god.
OK.
That's
the hospital
ringtone.
Who's that?
I need you to
answer that.
Where's your phone?
Where's your phone?
In my right
pocket.
Where's your phone?
Where's your phone?
Dr. B. Rosen's phone?
Uh, yeah, he's a little
tied up right now.
Oh, god!
Uh, it's an emergency.
It's your office.
It's about Deborah,
your patient Deborah.
OK, no,
it's Deborah.
That's one of
my patients.
She's having
a baby, OK?
She's into labor.
Oh, my god. OK,
Deborah's in labor?
What--What am I
supposed to ask?
I'm gonna have to talk
her husband
Through the delivery.
OK, OK, we're going
to talk her through
the delivery. Hang on.
I need him to look
at her vagina.
How much is
she dilated?
Look at her vagina.
How dilated is it?
Is it the size
of the top of
a soup can?
Is it the size of
a top of a soup can?
It's bigger than that.
It's a little bigger
than that.
OK. The baby's
coming. It's
almost there, OK?
Just keep pushing,
all right?
Let me know when
the shoulders come
through the cervix.
OK, have you seen
the shoulders? Can you
see shoulders yet?
Are the shoulders
coming out yet?
You push! Yes, they
can see the shoulders!
Keep pushing.
Keep pushing. Oh, my god.
Oh, my god!
They did it! It's out!
They got it?!
It's out!
Listen! Listen!
That's good. OK.
Oh, my god!
That's wonderful!
I need you to--
We're happy you did it.
Dangle and Rizzo:
congratulations!
I need you to tie off
the umbilical cord.
Rizzo and Dangle:
tie off the umbilical cord.
No, no, no!
No, no, no! They tie off
the umbilical cord.
Andy needs
to tie off
the umbilical cord
Of their new infant.
Andy, you need to tie
off the umbilical cord.
He doesn't have
an umbilical cord. You
obviously don't have an...
Then what is this?!
Snip it and then clamp it?
Snip and clamp.
Snip and clamp.
Got it! Got it! Got it!
Go ahead and clamp
it very tight.
You did great,
you guys.
Stitch...
You did great,
guys.
OK, just
apply pressure.
OK.
Ohh, OK. OK.
Â♪ goody, goody, goody,
goody goody bags â♪
Â♪ I just got
a little goody bag â♪
Oh! I got
socks. What'd
you get?
Â♪ I'm gonna open it
and see what's inside â♪
Â♪ 'cause I got a goody bag â♪
Tissues.
Jones: oh, I don't want--
I don't want--No.
How much is that?
It's complimentary.
Complimentary, meaning...
Again, free.
It always means
free. Here.
Oh!
Could I get
a vodka martini,
please?
Shaken,
not stirred,
A little dirty
with two olives.
Put a shot
of jage
in there.
Oh, OK.
[Bell tolls]
Ah, ah, ah!
That's a Reno no-No.
If you have toddlers
in the house, keep
your guns up high
And out of reach.
Remember...
If it's got bullets
and a trigger,
Keep it up high
until they get bigger.
[Bell tolls]
The same with poisons.
And drugs.
If it gets you high
or makes you sick,
Throw it up high
and put it there quick.
The same with
hardcore pornography,
like girl on girl
And full penetration
fetish magazines.
Put that porn
in its proper place.
This has been a message
from your Reno
sheriff's department.
[Officers and Jillet in
high-pitched voices:]
â♪ Caribbean queen â♪
Â♪ now we're sharin'
the same dream â♪
Â♪ that our hearts may
beat as one â♪
Excuse me. Hi.
Could you all just
please keep it down?
[Softer]
â♪ and no more
love on the run â♪
Â♪ Caribbean queen â♪
Â♪ now we're sharin'
the same dream... â♪
I'll go high.
You go low.
Â♪ and that our heart â♪
Â♪ may beat as one â♪
Yeah, do it.
Â♪ now my love... â♪
Could you
stop singing?
Oh, ha ha!
Mile high club!
Whoo, whoo!
All right. Which one
of you masturbated
in the bathroom?
Not--Not me. I was
cuffed to a lawman.
The mirror is a mess.
Junior:
that don't count.
That don't count.
That counts.
That totally counts.
That don't count.
Yeah, of course it does.
No, that don't
count...
Does that count?
It counts.
Did you send me
a stripper?
You like it?!
I don't.
I don't like it.
Oh, my god.
I got a good price
on that one for you!
Cindy, I'm not--
I'm not into girls.
And it was very
uncomfortable for me.
Oh, no.
Yes...
Oh, no!
I take care of
an elderly woman
on Sundays,
And she was over
at my house.
Oh, my god.
Yeah.
Oh, I didn't
know that.
Yeah.
Oh, she is
the best one, though.
She was good.
She is the best one
in the whole area.
Yeah, she was good.
I'm not sure
How I'm gonna
get my carpet
completely clean.
Oh! She--Oh!
You know, she has
trained many year
to do that skill.
Yeah. Oh, she--
She has mastered
it completely.
Oh, oh, that's
so good. I'm happy.
Yeah, and she stayed
a long time.
I think she was
waiting for her tip.
Did you tip her?
I was supposed
to tip her?
Yeah, then that's when
they leave, you see.
It was a gift!
Yeah, but still,
you know, even if
you pay for it,
You should tip...
You still tip
on a gift?
And then
they leave, yeah.
Oh, now
I'm humiliated.
Yeah.
Well, here.
Will you send
her back to my
house this weekend
And tell her
I'll give her
an extra great tip?
OK.
Just--It's only
because--Not because
I'm interested,
But just because...
Yeah. It's polite.
You know, because
I'm embarrassed.
Yeah, that, too.
Yeah.
OK, I'm sorr--I never
send girl dancer
ever again.
Never. This
Saturday...
OK.
Again, but never
after that.
OK. Oh, one more time...
Yeah.
Only.
You guys did real
good today.
Ah, come on.
It was the least
we could do.
Yeah.
Come on, doc.
You did good.
That's right.
You did good.
You delivered a baby
into the world.
Oh, my god!
I forgot.
It was a girl!
Hey! Hey!
Congratulations.
Yeah, I know
it was, all right?
I'm a doctor.
I saw the ultrasound,
so... heh heh.
Oh...
All right.
Of course. Well,
that would make sense.
Of course he knew.
Sure. You knew
that already.
It was exciting for us.
It was exciting.
I thought it would
be fun to tell you.
Sure, yeah. But
I knew it already.
So, listen,
if my cell phone
turns up, all right,
Would you make sure
you send it over to
st. Clark's medical center?
You betcha.
Will do.
You betcha.
OK, thank you.
Excellent.
All right.
We will.
Godspeed.
I was holding it,
and then I...
I saw you with it.
And then you
put it down...
I--I know.
And, uh...
I know.
And my watch is gone.
My watch was here.
I know I had my watch.
At some point, we'll
go over there, and
we'll find them both.
You know,
for a guy who's
being extradited
For crimes in
Thailand...
Mm...
You're pretty
fucking weird.
Well, I've never
been to Thailand.
Ha ha ha!
This guy, this big old guy
got murdered in Thailand.
Someone bludgeoned him.
And I just said,
"you know what I'm gonna do?
"I'm just gonna--
I'm gonna confess."
I put my hand up.
And I thought,
I'll get a plane ride
with drinks and gifts.
I didn't think it
was gonna go this far.
And here I--Here we are.
We was having drinks,
and he made himself
happy in the bathroom,
And all this free stuff.
And look at all
these little--
Â♪ little tiny soldiers
on my armrest â♪
It just worked out. Mm.
[Jones laughing]
Thailand!
Jones:
we're going to Thailand!
And we're gonna
keep that eye on
you every minute.
No. You're welcome.
Oh, you better.
Look at this.
Thailand!
Officers and Coe:
Thailand! Thailand!
Thailand! Thailand!
Woman: OK, stop, please.
Please. Quiet, OK?
Hi.
We--Hi. You're
being ejected...
Huh? Wha...
From
the plane, yes.
Jones: you're gonna turn
this plane around?
We're already
halfway there. Ha ha ha!
We're still on
the ground. Okay?
We haven't left
the gate.
You've gone through
6 bottles of champagne
in 28 minutes.
Ooh.
Uh-Oh.
Shit.
Yeah.
Our bad.
Our bad.
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Junior:
and the marshal's
already out there?
Yes.
Coe: all right.
Hang on, hang on. Look.
Junior: well,
I will just--
Woman: I'm sorry,
everyone.
Coe: I made two
puppet friends.
Woman:
OK. That's very nice.
Junior:
from the plane. Now...
Second woman:
please exit quickly
and quietly, please.
Jones: I got it.
I got it, OK?
Woman: exit. Come
with me. Come quietly.
Junior: saving
the marshal a little
bit of work here.
Coe: all right.
Junior: all right.
Coe: hang on. Let
me grab on to the
bottom of your coat.
Just--Good-Bye.
Good-Bye.
I'm so sorry,
everyone.
We'll be taking off
shortly. Thank you
for your patience.
Coe: "the Muppet
show. Ha ha ha!
Good-Bye.