Relic Hunter (1999–2002): Season 2, Episode 5 - Fertile Ground - full transcript

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[GUNSHOTS]
[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

Lono, I must take you to safety.

[GUNSHOT]

And your name?

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Tell me we weren't this
uncool in high school.

Worse. We had big hair.

Monica alert.

[SHRIEKING]

Sydney! God!



I haven't seen you
since homecoming.

You look fabulous.

And you, look at you.

Can you believe it?

Eight months and counting.

What about you,
Sydney? Any kids?

Oh, no, no kids.

No?
No.

No?
No!

Oh, well, it doesn't matter.

There's still time.

[GASPS]
Do you want to touch it?

It's good luck.

No, I... I'll pass.



[SHRIEKING] Leilani.

LEILANI: Monica.

Touch me for luck?

Isn't that the same pick-up
line she used in high school?

WOMAN: Looking for Tony.

I haven't seen him.

I haven't seen him since
the day we graduated.

You know, I always wondered...

What it would've
been like if you'd
married him?

You go, girl.

TONY: It's really nice
to see you again.

I was, uh, hoping I'd
see you here tonight.

You look great,
Sydney. You do.

You are the reason I'm
here tonight, you know?

Yeah?
Yeah.

You see, I've been doing
a lot of thinking about you.

I think I know where to
find the lost idol of Lono.

Oh.

Oh.

Phone been ringing
off the hook?

No.

Better check the messages.
Syd said she'd call
to confirm her flight.

I know that look, Nigel.

Girl I met in the library.

Gwendolyn?

She hasn't called me back.

Get a grip. Every time you call
and she doesn't call you back,

you get into this... This...

This?

Funk.

Funk. Yes, that's it.

So you understand
what's going on here?

Girls don't call
guys in funks.

Stop moping.
Get over her. Get out.

Right.

I might miss a call.

Earth to Nigel, look, didn't
we just go over this with...

Kate? Oh, different
circumstance entirely.

Different circumstance,
same M.O.

Didn't you win over
Kate with a jeep?

A motorcycle.

You've got to start
playing hard to get.

Don't make yourself
so available.

What about chivalry
and proper breeding

and the man making
the first move?

Okay, that went out
with opening doors

and covering puddles
with your cape.

So, I'm coming on
too strong?

Just a little.

Yeah, well, I've already
left three messages.

Okay, that's
called stalking, Nigel.

Not a big hit with the ladies.

Syd hasn't left
any messages.

Maybe she's run off
on a wild fling

with her high school
sweetheart, Tony Apua.

NIGEL: High school sweetheart?

SYDNEY: The old coast road.

How many times did you take me
out there in high school

to see that Lono shrine?

TONY: We had a lot of fun.

SYDNEY: Amazing.
It hasn't changed at all.

Still a patch of barren
wasteland in the middle
of all this lush green.

Not exactly prime
development territory.

Okay, see, this is where
Cook's men came ashore

and massacred our people.

And stole the idol.

Yeah.

Legend says that
this part of Hawaii

shall remain fallow
until Lono is returned.

You remember it.

You only mentioned it
every day for two years
when we went together.

Ah. Pretty nerdy, huh?

Well, actually, it's
one of the reasons

why I fell in love with you.

Hmm.
And the Mustang
didn't hurt, either.

Nah, the Mustang
didn't hurt.

Tony, the idol's been
missing for 200 years.

Now, you think you know
where it is?

I know it sounds
ridiculous coming

from a junior high
science teacher,
but you don't know, I...

I spent every summer in the
library, I took sabbaticals.

And then finally this summer,
I made a breakthrough.

Okay.

I tracked down the log book
from Cook's ship.

The Resolution?

Yes.

I thought she was going
to Hawaii on business.

Oh, that's what she said.

She even stopped by a museum
there to conduct a seminar.

But she spent the entire day
before she left
locked up in her office,

looking at her old
high school yearbooks.

Trust me, business was the
last thing on her mind.

See, cook's men attacked
the island to avenge his death

and they looted the idol.

Then The Resolution sailed
for England in December, 1779,

but the idol was not on
the cargo's manifest.

It was a dead end.

Except for this. Come here.

A journal entry says
on the voyage home,

five sailors were found
guilty of mutiny.

They were thrown into a longboat
off the coast of Madagascar,

never to be seen again.

You think they took
the idol with them?

Then after they
were put to sea,

several items from the ship's
store were discovered missing,

including something made
from volcanic rock.

It's a long shot.

I know, I know.

What she really went there
to see was who got fat,

who got married,
who made it big,
and the one that got away.

And she said this Tony
was the one that got away?

Not in so many words. But she
said he was tall dark, handsome

and they dated in high school.
I filled in the rest.

Isn't that a little
presumptuous?

Yes.

But she hasn't called yet,
has she?

[PHONE RINGING]

Ancient studies.

Hey, Syd,
how was the reunion?

Was everybody fat?

Claudia, put Nigel on.

Well, was he there?

Claudia.
Was he bald?

Claudia.

All right, all right.

NIGEL: Syd.

I need you to get on
a plane to Madagascar.

Madagascar?

Get to a village
called Faradofay.
It's on the southeast coast.

Faradofay. I wonder
how you spell that.

NIGEL: Mr. Fletcher?

Well?

You missed him.

I've only been gone
five minutes.

I've been waiting here
for two days

and now you're telling me
that I've missed him?

You missed him.
Come back again. Who knows,

maybe you'll catch him in.

Next time, send up a flare
or something.

[LAUGHING]

That's Sydney's plane.

I'll be back in five minutes.

You do that.

That's for the Scotch.

It's $300.

Make sure him and his friends
don't leave here walking.

Hey, Syd.

Hey, Nigel. What do you have?

Well, the thing of it is, Syd,
the locals

have got a lot of
built-up resentment

of anything outside
their frame of reference.

Sounds strange, I know, but it's
quite understandable actually,

given their history of
occupation and, um...

So you got zip.

Zip.

Say hi to Tony.

NIGEL: Tony?

Tony? Oh, we've heard, um,
absolutely nothing about Tony.

Um, the guy
we're looking for is...
His name's Fletcher.

Yeah? Who's that?

He owns the bar. He's
a local know-it-all.

I'm having a hard time
negotiating an audience.

When did you two
meet? I mean...

I mean originally.

Nigel.

It was a hit-and-run.

Hit-and-run?
Yeah.

Tony.

Well, actually,
it was at a game.

She was cheering on the
sidelines and I went down

and out long on a pass
and I crashed into her.

Sydney was a...

Sydney was a
cheerleader?

Oh, yeah.
Let's not go there, Nigel.

Oh, okay. You... You wouldn't
have any photos, would you?

Oh, mama. Oh.

I did say it was
unsavory.

Yeah, you were
being kind.

Oh, yeah.

Feels good.

[BONE CRACKING]

SYDNEY: That's one bone.

You have 205 more.

You do the math.

Hi. My assistant assures me
that you could tell us where
Fletcher is.

NIGEL: I'm afraid my boss
isn't as patient as I am.

Back room maybe. But I
wouldn't go back there.

Syd, you better stay here.
Let me handle this, okay?

Might get dangerous.

All right.

Does he know
what he's doing?

God, I hope so.

Mind your own damn
business!

Didn't your mother
teach you to play nice?

My leg.

Is she always this athletic?

It usually doesn't take this
long. She must be jet-lagged.

NIGEL: Sydney...

Freeze, sister.

There'll be no killing
in my bar.

Fletcher?

Fletcher?
[GROANS AND THUDS]

SYDNEY: So, The Resolution
sailors were on this island.

They say five of them
came ashore in a longboat,

started making enemies
right away.

Folks here
didn't take too kindly
to foreigners back then.

Must be comforting to know that
you've come such a long way.

[CHUCKLING]

So what happened to them?

Outwore their welcome.
The villagers banished them.

They headed west
towards Magar Peak.

Magar Peak?

Never heard from again.

Did the sailors bring
anything with them?

With them?

Basically... An idol.

So many people asking
that same question
all of a sudden.

Who else?

I don't know.

Some bloke with a scar.

He rented the only 4x4 in town.

SYDNEY: Magar Peak.
Can you tell us the
fastest way to get there?

Nope.

Do you know someone
that can?

Maybe. A couple of guys I know,
they know this island real good,

but they're a little odd.

SYDNEY: Thanks.
We'll take our chances.

[GROANING]
Oh, oh.

There you go.
Easy does it.

Oh, my leg, my leg.
Leg... Gently.

SYDNEY: Oh, geez.

TONY: Ouch.

Looks like it could be broken.

Huh?

Yeah.

You're not going anywhere,
Nigel. Do you have a doctor?

Yeah.

Could you call him?

I got to warn you,
he's a little odd.

What if he doesn't have
a medical degree?

What if he practices
bloodless surgery?

I'm sure he'll be fine, Nigel.

Besides, I think this
Fletcher guy

tends to exaggerate
the oddness factor.

You think?

SYDNEY:
Fletcher's an odd character.

TONY: No more than
anyone else in this town.

Didn't he say it was
past these trees?

Yeah, an old trailer with a
satellite dish. I don't know.

SYDNEY: Fletcher did say
they were a bit odd.

[MAN LAUGHING]

What?

Maybe they're waiting
for us inside...

if we can find a door.

MAN: Gotta love that.

There.

What?

Uh, Fletcher sent us.

He said you could show us
the way to Magar Peak.

Buffy, I implore you
to be careful.

There are demons lining the
path every step of the way.

WB marathon.

You American?

Yeah.

We love America.
Love it.

Our dream is to move to LA.

We love LA.

Great.

Why do you guys want
to go to Magar Peak?

We're investigating
a historical event.

Yeah.
Historical event's good.

Okay.

SYDNEY: Great.
We want to leave right...

Wait a minute.

BOTH: Problem.

Ally McBeal.
New episode.

TONY: How about this?

This could probably buy
you a lot of videotape.

All right.

Okay, so Fletcher tells us
that you have a truck

that can get us there.

You don't have a truck?

Oh, we have a truck.

But?

BOTH: Problem.

Truck's broke.

Needs a part.

Yeah, okay, yeah.
Well, so how expensive
is this part?

Oh, very. Yes, oh...
It's sad.

[LAUGHING]

That must be the 4x4
Fletcher was talking about.

Prints look fresh.

You thinking what I'm
thinking, Sipowicz?

Perp's headed to
Magar Peak.

Who is this guy?

MAN 1: He's over
this way, Margie.

MAN 2: Oh, yeah.

MAN 1: You must answer
in the form of a question.

SYDNEY: Will you guys shut up?

MAN 1: Is that
your final answer?

Trail ends here.

He must've taken
the ridge.

That would lead away
from Magar Peak.

Why don't you guys take
the lead?

Yeah, but why would he
reverse directions?

I have an idea, it's
not a very pleasant one.

One,

two,

and...

three little Indians.

And...

Come on, come on, where are you?

You looking for me?

[GUNSHOT]

Yeah, I'm looking
for you.

Why are you stalking us?

Why do you think, lady?

Because I'm going to kill
you and your friends

before you get
to that Lono statue
and I'm going to get rich.

Sydney?
Let's go.

How'd you find out
about the idol?

Same way as you did, lady.
Only I'm not as ethical, am I?

Tony tried to hire you?

Yeah, that's right. Once I saw
the log from The Resolution,

why do I need him? Why do
I need you? Huh? Huh?

[THUDS]

MAN 1: Have a nice trip.

MAN 2: See you next fall.

TONY: He's not moving.
Is that who was following us?

SYDNEY: Yes.

All hail Xena,
Warrior Princess.

Sydney.

Sydney, talk to me.
You lied to me.

I didn't lie. I didn't
exactly tell the truth.

I was expecting something a
little better than that, Tony.

You're right. Look, Sydney,
come on, when...

When we broke up... When you
broke up with me... Remember?

I always thought you'd
come back to me.

Why not? I mean, I was
pretty special, wasn't I?

All right, so fact is
you didn't.

And you went off and had
this great career

and I became this ordinary
high school teacher

who never left the island.
So when I found the log...

Your male ego started
to sweat.

Ego, insecurity, rejection,
any one of those, pick one.

The fact is
I couldn't call you.
I just couldn't.

So when I got a hold of
this Dryer guy...

he said that the log
was worthless.

But not before he made
a copy for himself.

Yeah, okay, so I was stupid.

No. Just naive.

Well, I did what I
wanted after all,

which was to see you.

It was more than just
about Lono, you know?

We, uh... We've got a lot
of lost time to make up for.

Yeah, we do.

Come on, guys, let's go.

That's Magar Peak.

The place you're looking for
is just on the other side
of that valley.

This way.

Watch this branch.

There's your
valley.

It's even more
beautiful than I imagined.

Oh, it's amazing.

SYDNEY: Oh, my god.

TONY: It's beautiful.

This is... This is
the exact opposite

of where Lono was stolen
from in Hawaii.

The idol's here,
I can feel it.

Look for any signs
of an old structure.

If the mutineers lived here
after they were expelled

from the village,
they would've needed
shelter, food.

Look for any remains of
cleared land or a garden.

Guys, over here.

TONY: What?

SYDNEY: Old gravestones.

The cemetery.
Smollet,

Hawkins,

Macrob,

Bowle,

and that's got to be Firth.
Yes, the five mutineers.

What?

Does anything seem
strange to you? Five
mutineers, five graves.

What are you getting at?

Who buried the last one?

TONY: Yeah.

Wow!

This is where the mutineers
must've lived

after they were banished by
the natives from their village.

How about this container?

SYDNEY: Wait, I see
something over here.

MAN 1: He's very bony.

Ten bucks says this is our
mystery gravedigger.

Look, carpenter's tools.

Wait a minute,
I found something.

Feels like...

It is a book, a journal.

But no idol.
Must've been pretty handy.

But apparently
not very leggy.

[HUMMING]

Who wrote the journal?

The ship's carpenter, Firth.

You know, in the ship's log,

it mentions that the men
used to call him Peg-Leg.

So then that
begs the question,
if this is Firth...

Then who's buried in his grave?

This grave's empty, Scully.

Then why is it here?

Well, hang on.

Firth says in here

that he survived his
shipmates by ten years.

See, he was obsessed with
protecting the idol

so that the valley would
remain as it was.

Poor guy must have spent
all those years hiding it.

[HOLLOW BANGING]

False bottom.

MAN 1: Yeah.
MAN 2: All right.

SYDNEY: Give me a hand.

TONY: Sydney, can you see it?
Sydney?

It's here.

TONY: Yeah.

We found him.

Look at the eyes
on that idol.

Sparkly.

Now, how do we get to it?

I don't think we do.

I think we get it
to come to us.

That means there's got
to be a control mechanism
of some kind.

Right, right, right, right,
right. Here, here, here.

Wow!

What is it?

TONY: It's an
alphabet square.

These tiles usually spell out
some sort of hidden password,

uh, something with
an even number of letters.

Why don't we just
boost someone up?

Because it could be
booby-trapped.

[SIGHS] Os...

Ti...

Iq...

Uh, wait.
Periodic tables, maybe.

Or... Musical scales?

SYDNEY: He was a sailor,
not a musician.

It would be something
that he knew well.
TONY: Yeah.

SYDNEY: "Smollet"?

"Firth"?

All odd numbers.

"Britain"?

Uh, the name
of Captain Cook's ship.

Right.

SYDNEY: "Re-so..."

TONY:"...Lu..."

"...Tion."
Push.

What's the matter?

Our people used to
believe that if a young
woman touched Lono,

she'd be pregnant within a year.

You saw the valley up there.

I sure did.

Excuse me.

Okay, all right,
I got you.

It's been a long time.

Here, I'll give you a hand.

TONY: Hey!

What are you doing?
Are you crazy?

Crazy like a fox. We pull
out the eyes, sell them,

we'll have enough bucks
to get to L.A.

Come on, guys,
it's not funny.

All right. Hey!

[KNOCKING]

Come on!

What about them?

I guess the tribal council
just put out their torch.

Pass me those rocks.

They're sealing us in.
I'm not kidding. They're
sealing us in. Come on!

* Money, money, money
Money *

Let us out!

* We're going to L.A.
* We're going to L.A.

* We're going to America
* We're going to America

* And you're not coming
* And you're not coming *

Where we going?
L.A.

Come on, hey!
Hey, come back here!

Those sneaky, little...

There's got to be
another way out of here.

No, Firth would only need
one entrance.

Let's take a look at
the engineering job
that Firth did down here.

Now, to make room for that
descender that Lono was on,

he'd have to dig up, too.

So there must be a warren
of air shafts

that he dug above the ceiling
that has the pulleys

that lift the counterweights
and the idol.

Sort of like the fly room
above a stage, right?

Exactly.

Remember the senior play?

West Side Story.
How could I forget?

I took the part of Maria
just so I could kiss you.

[SIGHS]

Okay.

So the counterweights
aren't in this room.

Firth must have built
an access shaft
behind the walls

and above the ceiling,
close to the surface,

and then covered it with earth.
We find that...

Wait a minute.

Here, let me try
to pry it off.

Wait. Okay. Okay.

Okay, set it down.

Okay, the access shaft,

our ticket out of here.

You were right,
Sydney.

DRYER: Hello, boys.
Where are your friends?

I said, where are they?

TONY: Keep your head down.

Okay.

Tony, I made it.

All right.

Sorry.

It's all right. I'm coming.

Stan and Cartman are definitely
going to pay for this.

Go.

There's the jeep.

Oh, god.

They definitely paid.

Dryer.

You're back soon.

Yeah. What time's the
plane going to get here?

It's due any minute.

Good. Give me Scotch.

We're out of Scotch.
Have a cognac.

Pass any others on the way?

A couple.

They ain't going to be
back this way, though.

Listen, there was an English guy
hanging around here earlier.

Did you see where he went?

Afraid not.

TONY: Take it easy,
slow down. Slow down.

That's for the 4x4.
That's for the drinks.
And I'll take one for the road.

FLETCHER: Yeah.

If Dryer's still here,
he's waiting for the seaplane.

I'm going to check
the bar, okay?

Keep your head down.

I will.

Don't move. Outside.
Let's go.

TONY: Don't shoot.
Okay, I get the message.

Get out.

You, out of my way.
I've got a plane to catch.

Let him go.

I'll tell you what.

You step aside and I'll
forget our past differences

and you'll both live.

Unfortunately, I'm not
the forgiving type.

When you're a jet...

I got it.

[GRUNTS]
It's a bit heavy.

Well, Lono's back
in his place.

Now I'm going have to think
of another reason to see you.

[SIGHS]

We were a long time ago,
weren't we?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey, maybe when West Side Story
comes back into town,

I could call you.
We'll catch a show.

Now, that would be nice.

Yeah, that would be nice.

Sydney's still closeting
herself in her office.

Humming show tunes.
I've never seen her
like this before.

What happened in Hawaii?

She didn't say.

Well, she's clearly
traumatized.

Must have something
to do with Tony.

The one that got
away. Yes, well,

I'm afraid your
predictions on that were
slightly off the mark.

Why? Was he fat?

No, quite thin,
actually.

CLAUDIA: Bald?

NIGEL: Hardly.
If appearances
were anything to go by,

he was the perfect package.

She's been staring
at the same page for hours.

Tony was definitely
the one that got away.

I doubt it. I think...
As she got to know him
after 15 years,

he didn't meet up
to her expectations.

Tony just wasn't
Sydney's type.

Poor Syd. Hey, she could
be like this for days.

I better cancel
all her classes.

You're throwing away
your yearbook?

Yes, Claudia, because the past
is the past and I'm Sydney Fox,

the cheerleader no longer.

Don't we have
ancient studies
at noon?

Room's all set.

Where are my lecture
notes?

In your classroom.

Excellent.

A cheerleader?

With pom-poms.

There are pictures
of our Sydney
as a cheerleader

in that yearbook.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]