Relic Hunter (1999–2002): Season 1, Episode 8 - Etched in Stone - full transcript

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[SOUNDS OF BATTLE]

[LAUGHING]

MAN: Eric!

MAN: Down. Down here.

[GROANING]

MAN: Honor my deeds
when I'm gone.

MAN: Let my soul rest
with the treasure.

[GOSPEL MUSIC PLAYING]

ERIC: Jann the Bold.

We honor your life.



And return your soul
to Valhalla.

[FIRE CRACKLING]

[ELECTRONIC BEEPS]

NIGEL: It was great the temp
agency could have you fill in

for Claudia
on such short notice.

By the way...

I wanted to thank you,
that Chinese restaurant
you recommended,

excellent!

Sure thing.

[PHONE RINGING]

Ancient studies?

She's kinda busy actually.
Can I take a message?

LYNETTE: Mil...

Milton...



Mor...

LYNETTE: Morris.

That's the president
of the college!

President Morris,
Nigel Bailey.

Sorry for the confusion,
she's temping.

We're not busy at all.

Well, that is to say we're
not not busy.

We're always busying ourselves.
Striving to be busy.

But never too busy
to take your call.

Yes, I have a pen. Fire away.

I have a message.

Not done yet.

You're gonna want to hear this.

[BELL RINGING]

Okay.

Ah...

There's a visiting professor
from the University

of Northeastern South Africa
on his way to see you right now.

[SMOOTH MUSIC PLAYING]

Why?

NIGEL: Ah. The University
promised your services.

You're to help him find
the runestone

of King Jann the 1st or Norway.

NIGEL: Uh, there's more.

This is the bit that might
not sit so well.

The, erm, professor, is...

Stewie?

Sweet cheeks!

[LAUGHS]

SYDNEY: I don't care how much
money you've donated to this

university, Stewie. I'm not
helping you find anything.

Look, Sydney, I need you.
You're the best in the business.

Syd, this could also be
a very exciting
historical find.

University of Northeastern
South Africa?

It's an hour outside Wastumbia.

They're the only people
that had the wisdom enough
to accredit me.

You bribed them.

I gave them a donation.

Look, Syd, I know what
you're thinking, but

I've changed, I mean
I cleaned up my act.

I'm a different guy.
And it's all
because of you!

Me?

Well, yeah. I mean, that last
experience that we shared

in the belly of the Buddha?

I mean, it forced me
to take a real hard look
at myself.

And quite frankly,
I didn't like
what I saw.

I don't blame you!

Yeah. And then when you sent me
that very expensive ancient coin

as a gift?

It was a mistake.

But still it struck a very, very
deep, deep chord inside of me.

LYNETTE: Professor Fox, there's
those files you asked for.

Oh, who's the new pork chop?

[NERVOUS LAUGHTER]

NIGEL: It is possible that
he's turned over
a new leaf, isn't it?

No.

Even the commonest
of criminals can
be rehabilitated.

We're talking about Stewie here.

You think the president
will understand?

He's gonna have to,
there is no way I'm going
to Sweden with Stewie Harper.

When you come back,
do you think you can bring
me a rhinestone, too?

That's rune stone, Lynette.

Rune stone?
What's a rune stone?

In medieval times, it's how
people wrote messages, notes.

They used to chisel it out
in stone.

Ohh, sort of like a Post-It.

BOTH: Sort of.

[POP MUSIC PLAYING]

WAITRESS: Hello. Welcome to the
Viking Cafe. How are you today?

Very well, thank you.

All of our grand platters are
served on scaled-down
versions of oar boats.

Authentic viking ships.

And you'll notice your steak
knives are modeled after

broadswords from the Anders
the Great's dynasty.

The Celtic cross found its way
into the crust after he

conquered county Donner
in southern Ireland.

It's very clever,
isn't it, Sydney?

Could I have a Coke?

Me too.

Hi. Sorry, I had to make
an important phone call.

Can I get you something?

[CLEARING THROAT]

Yeah, I'll have a bottle of your
breast beer, please.

I mean best breast.
I mean...

Yeah, thanks.

Great place, huh?

[LAUGHS]

Listen.

I just want you to know...

It is so nice to be working
with each other,

as opposed to against
each other, huh?

[LAUGHS]

You know, we really are
of the same ilk, Syd.

We are not of the same ilk.

Sure we are.

Stewie, whatever ilk you're
from, I'm from a different one.

Syd' I've got something very,
very important I want you

to take a look at.

Looks like futhark.

Around the eleventh century.

Or the tenth.

NIGEL: Yeah.

I can't decipher this.

Looks like we're gonna need
a translator.

This is fantastic.

I, I've never seen anything
like this before.

What does it say?

It's futhark, a very primitive
form, erm, gotkurk.

Runic.

It's erm, it refers
to a runestone.

We know that part! Tell us
something we don't know!

Yes, erm.

Something about it being
the cornerstone of

a great holy place.

A sacred temple where the,

the axes cross the line
of the great arrow.

STEWIE: What the hell does
that mean?

Is there anything else, Lars?

Not without the rest.

The rest?

LARS: Well, this parchment
was torn from a book,

a text written
by a viking shaman.

Listen, forget about that part.
Get back to the part about

the axes that cross the line
of the sacred arrow.
What the hell does that mean?

I don't know, I have no idea.

You don't know?

I'm a translator. I, I don't
have a degree in mythology.

[POP MUSIC PLAYING]

Tenth-century Stockholm.
I had Lars make me a copy.

Great.

What?

You wouldn't be hiding something
from us, would you?

What could I possibly be hiding?

Lars mentioned a book.

A text written
by a viking shaman?

Same book that this page
was torn out of.

You know, I am so offended
by this distrust in me.

This is the new me!

Why are you acting so weird?

That's the old me.

All right. Let's get back
to the clues.

Now, the runestone is
in a holy place where the axes

cross the line
of the great arrow.

Now, the axes
in translation refers

to the clan of Anders the Great,
also known as Anders the Axe.

Now, their village was here.

STEWIE:
What does the great arrow mean?

Perfect timing.

Hello, again. You,
you guys eating a lot?

We really love the service.

NIGEL: Erm, I was wondering...

The historical bits that you
tell the customers,

interesting as they are,

are they at all accurate
or are they just made up?

Completely accurate.

Would you know anything about
the meaning of the great arrow?

Oh yes, Thursday's lunch
special, Swedish meatballs...

Oh no, actually, I'm sorry, I,
I meant historically.

Oh, ja.

The great arrow,

was a large, wooden structure,
built in the forest,

pointing travelers directly
north, right here.

All right. If your
waitress is correct,

the great arrow would be here.

Now, Anders' clan's village
is here.

Well, where does the axe cross
the line of the great arrow?

The village was built
about a mile inland
from where they kept

their ships, which meant they
would have to travel every day

to the village. Now, if we
continue a line north

going in the same direction
as the great arrow,

that should put our runestone
in a holy place,

somewhere in this vicinity.

Yeah, but wait a minute, now,
this is a tenth-century map.

Where is this vicinity?

We get a present-day map
and lay it over this.

It should only be
a few miles to cover.

[AMUSING MUSIC PLAYING]

NIGEL: There's one more
place to check out after this.

It's a church, built in 1925.

SYDNEY: Still, the monument
could be inside.

Let's check this place
out first.

NIGEL: Well, looks like it could
a monastery,

or a nunnery. It's at least
a hundred years old.

STEWIE: Well, it's a holy place,
ain't it?

Hey, wait a minute.
What about this?

Oh great, it's in Swedish.

Well, we are in Sweden, Stewie.

Ja , we are.

This, I can translate.

Holy dwellings have occupied
this site for over 900 years.

This present building is
a former home of the
Sisters of Magdalene monastery.

Erected on the grounds is
a monument

using stones from
the original viking temple.

That's it!
It's got to be here!

[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

NIGEL: I wonder what kind
of holy place it is today.

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Can I help you?

Boy! Leave it
to the Swedes, huh?

This is a spa?

That's right.

[BUZZING]

Ahh, a clothing-optional spa?

No.

Oh! Thank God.

A nude-only spa.

I'm not going in there!

There's a chance the runestone
is in the monument.

Sydney, they're, they're letting
it all hang out.

Nige, that's what they're doing.

Look, if we're gonna find that
runestone we gotta go in there,

suck it up, suck it in,

and do the nasty thing that's
gotta be done.

I don't think so.
Why, what's the matter?

If I go in there with you,
I'm liable to end up in jail,

or at the very least,
uncontrollably nauseous.

Nigel and I will
take care of this.

Why don't you take a walk
and cool it off?

Are you sure Stewie
can't be any use to you

in there, I mean after all,
he is a changed man.

Nigel...

I can't.
You can.

I can't!
It's just a body.

It's my body and
your body and ...

What's the matter?
You've got a nice body.

Yeah?
Oh, yeah.

But there's all those
other bodies!

Nigel, if it makes you feel
any better, I won't look.

I promise I won't look.

You won't look, I won't look,
we just won't look.

We won't look at anything
but stones. Stones that look

like runestones. All right?

[NERVOUS NOD]

Okay, good.

Stay out of the cold water.

Right.

[SURF ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

We should split up.

Why don't you go this way?
I'll go that way.

Alone?
Like this?

Yes.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Syd. Psst! Syd!

Come here.

You...

Please.

Hi. How are you?
Nice to see you.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Hey, Mister.

Oops! Sorry!
Sorry.

Sydney! I'm sorry. I, I didn't
see a thing. Did you peek?

No, I did not peek, Nigel.
But I do think I've found it.

There.

Great.

It looks like the stones
are constructed in
a free-form manner. No mortar,

just piled one on top of
each other. It's got to be

one of the smaller stones
near the foundation.

If it's there, we should be able
to just wedge it out.

One problem though.

What?

Her.

Aye, I see your point. We can't
just go pulling out stones

in front of her.

Well, we'll just have to ask
her to move.

How?

I'll leave that
in your capable hands.

Me?

Excuse me, miss?

[NERVOUS LAUGHTER]

I was just thinking maybe, maybe
you should move your chair.

Why?

Why.

Why indeed, erm.

The sun, it's in the wrong
position for optimal tanning.

Ja. Ja , I do get
burned sometimes.

Your cheeks are a bit red.

No, I didn't mean those cheeks.
I mean, I wasn't looking at

those cheeks. I mean, not
that I wouldn't want to

look at those, I mean, I'm sure
they're very nice cheeks ...

[STAMMERS]

Well, I mean, what do
you expect? I mean ...

You're naked.
I'm naked.

We're all...

... naked.

Ouch!

This is it.
Yeah.

See the engraving?

[BOTH GRUNTING]

It's moving.
Pull it out!

[GRUNTS]

[LAUGHS]

NIGEL: One stone, nobody
will ever miss it.

Yeah, but how are we going to
get it out of here?

What do you mean?

We're not exactly
wearing pockets.

Right.

[STEALTHY MUSIC PLAYING]

[RUMBLING NOISE]

[LOUD NOISE OF ROCKS FALLING]

STEWIE: Oh you guys have been
so great.

And I really mean that. But
listen, I better get this thing

back to university,
as quickly as I can.

Oh, Syd, thank you so much.
You're the best.

Nige! [LAUGHS]
Love ya.

All right, listen, I'm going to
grab a cab and I'll go straight

to the airport, and I'll
call you from Africa.

Stewie?
Yeah.

Can we see it?

See what?

The runestone?

You already saw it.

We were kind of in a rush
at the time.
Just let me see it!

Syd, I'm going to miss my cab
to the airport,

I better get going.
Stewie.

Well, it is what he said.
King Jann's runestone, amazing.

Yeah.

Wait a minute. You said it was
King Jann the 1st.

I can't read the futhark, but
this is definitely the crest of

Jann the 2nd.

This is King Jann the 2nd's
runestone.

Well, first or second, what
difference does it make, really?

King Jann the 2nd was also known
as Jann the Bold,

who plundered vast fortunes
from across Europe.

Which nobody ever found.

No kidding.
Well, I didn't know that.

I'll make sure they put that on
the plaque because I don't want
them to get that wr...

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

[FIGHTING GRUNTS]

[PAINFUL GROANS]

Syd, careful with the runestone!

[MEN GROANING IN PAIN]

[NERVOUS WHINING]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Way to go, Syd.
Way to go. Ha!

I can't believe we got
mugged in Sweden!

Those guys weren't muggers.

I wonder what they wanted
from us.

Good question.

SYDNEY: The engravings are
futhark, like the parchment.

I guess we're going to be
visiting our friend
the translator again.

I wonder what this eight-
legged horse means?

WAITRESS:
Sleipnir. Odin's horse.

You must really like the service
here. Back three times.

Yes, erm, we do.

Boy, here we go again.

[CLEARING THROAT]
Listen, about this horse,

modem, is that what you said?

Odin, main god of the vikings.

That's right. His horse's
name was Sleipnir.

It had eight legs
so it would never tire.

With all the walking around on
this trip, I could do with

another set of legs myself.

Nigel, we should probably head
to the translator's office now.

I'm a relic hunter too.

[NERVOUS LAUGHTER]

Hello?

Lars?

Anybody home?

There doesn't seem to be
anybody here.

Strange. Why don't you leave
him a note, have him call us.

Right.

[SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING]

Well, ixnay on the note.

Either Lars was in the wrong
place at the wrong time,

or he discovered something
he wasn't supposed to.

Like what?

I have a pretty good idea.

Sydney, look.

There are ash marks
on Lars' fingers.

Photograph, recently burned.

Looks like he wanted to get
rid of it in a hurry before
someone came after him.

Look at that,
above the address.

NIGEL: Odin's horse.

SYDNEY: 7070, Ringvägen.

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

Get the feeling it's not
a Bible study?

[METAL GATES CREAKING]

[OMINOUS CEREMONIAL
MUSIC PLAYING]

[EERIE CHOIR SINGING]

Isn't that Bjorn,
the other translator?

That's him.

Lars must have discovered
their secret cult.

So they killed him.

[METAL CLANGS]

Brothers.

There's a filth among us.

There's one, so wretched
in his obscenity,

that he would take
our great book,
and sell it

to the outside world.

MAN: Let me tell you, brothers,

[FOOTSTEPS]

we, we are diligent
in our security.

And though we practice
the ways of the ancients,

we do not ignore
the ways of technology.

Your sale of our book is known!

But it will be recovered.

So that once more, it rests
alongside the star of Odin!

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

MAN: The star of Odin,

our key to unlocking the secret
of Jann the Bold's treasure.

So brother,
you will have time
indeed to reflect

upon your actions.

In Hell!

[SLASHING SOUND]

[SHUFFLING]

[MEN SPEAKING SWEDISH]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

[MAN YELLING IN SWEDISH]

[FIGHTING SOUNDS]

[SWEDISH YELL]

[MEN SHOUTING IN SWEDISH]

STEWIE: Get that door!
SYDNEY: Come on!

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Well, I guess we took care
of those guys, huh?

Not so fast, professor. I want
the truth, and I want it now.

What's the story
with this book?

What do you mean by story?

You know what I mean.
Look, can't we talk later?

There's twenty
bloodthirsty vikings about
to get in here.

I'll throw you to them
if you don't come clean.

All right, look, but can't we
talk about it somewhere else?

[LOUD BANGING]

Oh great, it's locked!

I can get us out, but first
you tell me what's going on.

Ah jeez. Okay, look, I got
a line on this rogue viking,

a really weird dude. You know,
like these other choirboys?

He told me he stole the book,
and he contacted me
on my website.

Your website?

Yeah. You don't have one?

Go on!
The lock?

Anyway, I bought the book from
him, we did it all by e-mail,

I never even met the guy.
So where's the book?

Safe and sound.

The whole book?

The whole book and nothing
but it. [LAUGHS]

You didn't show us the rest of
it because we'd know it

was for Jann the Bold and we
wouldn't help you. You'd have

all the treasure for yourself.
What are you, teacher's pet?

So, the book got us
to the runestone.

That's right. And now,

we've got the key
to Jann the Bold's treasure.

Star of Odin?
You took the Star of Odin?

Uh-huh. Now we have everything
we need to find Jann the Bold's
secret loot.

Except a translator.

BJORN: D-d-don't kill me please.

Did Lars plead with you
for his life, too?

I didn't kill Lars.

I, I only told the leader
that he knew about us.

T-t-the leader had him killed.

BJORN: It's the truth.

I'll do anything. Yes. Please,
take the knife away.

BJORN: The tablet refers to
a sacred field,

the house of souls.

Where?

I don't know. I don't.

But...
But what?

If you do find it, according to
the runestone, it's cursed.

What kind of curse?

It says Jann the Bold quenched
his thirst for riches...

...where dead men rest.

And all those who search
for his treasure...

...will sleep among them.

Well, a fat lot of good this
is gonna do us.

We don't know what or
where this house is,

and at this hour who are we
gonna find out from?

[POP MUSIC PLAYING]

Hello.

Hello again.

You're not coming here just
for the food, are you?

No. Actually, erm...

I just have a quick question.

Have you ever heard of
a house of souls?

Other than an appetizer
or a dinner special, that is.

Oh, yes.
The house of souls...

This is one of the most revered
legends in all viking history.

WAITRESS:
The house of souls was
a very holy place.

Only the bravest warriors were
allowed to enter.

Many never returned.

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

[NOCTURNAL BIRD SOUNDS]

Sydney! Stewie!

[PANTING]

SYDNEY: The runestone
translation, I quench my thirst

where dead men sleep.

Quenching his thirst!

NIGEL: He was talking about
a well.

Here, help me get this off.
Yeah, let me hold this.

Thanks.

Oh yeah. This is it!
This has got to be it.

Well, don't just stand there,
go down and get it.

Stewie, make yourself useful
and give us some light.

[DRIPPING SOUNDS]

STEWIE: [DISGUSTED SIGH]
Oh, boy. This is not good.

Now what are we gonna do?

Maybe we should go down there,
have a look around.

Climb down the walls?

Stewie, give me the light.

I'll hold it,
you go down.

Give me the light.
I want to hold the light.

[ARGUING]
No!

[STRANGE EXPLOSION]

Did what I think just happened,
happen?

I guess we're going down.

All of us.

You, you got me?
Yeah.

STEWIE: Don't just drop me.

Stewie!

Thanks, Nige.

SYDNEY: The eight-legged horse
will show us the way.

[GROANS]

Is this it?

Well, you've helped us, Bjorn.

So I'm going to spare you.

Thank you.

Call the others.

I don't want him
to live to see
another sunrise.

It looks kind of small.

I think a rat like you would
feel right at home in there.

[NIGEL GRINNING]

Sleipnir...

[HEROIC MUSIC PLAYING]

This has got to be it.

[SWOOSHING AND SLASHING SOUNDS]

[TITTERS]
Thanks. Thanks.

[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

A viking burial ground.

Jann the Bold?
Yeah. Where's the treasure?

Give me the star of Odin.

STEWIE: Yes!

[SOUND OF ROCKS MOVING]

NIGEL: Watch it!

STEWIE: Woah!

[LAUGHS]

[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING]

[LAUGHS]
Look at this.

Oh, my goodness.

We're gonna have to come back
for the rest of the stuff later.

This isn't ours, Stewie.
Yeah, right.

These are priceless artifacts
that belong in a museum.

Museum, shmuseum. Who's gonna
stop us? The viking police?

MAN: That's right.

I've been waiting a long time
for this.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[FIGHTING SOUNDS]

Go get him, Nige.

[FIGHTING IN THE BACKGROUND]

Should've brought a bigger bag.
Why didn't I bring a bigger bag?

I'll be right with you.

[STRUGGLING]

[LOUD SLAPPING SOUND]

[LAUGHS]

See? It's not so bad when we
work together, huh, Syd?

Listen, Sydney. Take 20% of
the loot, I'll take the rest.

Every penny of this is going
to a museum, Stewie.

Thirty percent.
Every penny.

Forty-four?

You know what?
You're right, Stewie.

It's not so bad
when we work together.

[SCHOOL BELLS RINGING]

[ELECTRONIC NOISES]

[DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING]

Claudia, you're back.

How was the, huh, root canal?

Nothing I couldn't handle.

Why are you so happy?

Oh, just a friend coming over
from Sweden on work study

for a few weeks.

What, some bimbo you met
in a Swedish bar?

She is not a bimbo,
and it was a restaurant
as a matter of fact.

Pfft!

Where's Lynette?
We don't need her.

But we already hired her
to finish off the week.

She completely messed
up the filing system.

I mean, Limp Bizkit
in the acid jazz section?

What is she thinking?

Right.

CLAUDIA: I wouldn't go in there
if I were you.

She's in a totally evil mood.

Why?

Don't know.
She got some invitation...

They're dedicating a new wing
in the museum to some guy...

Who?

Some professor from
the University of Northeastern
South Africa?

"Please join us
for a dedication ceremony.

NIGEL: "Unveiling a new wing
at the museum,

"the Harper wing...

"Honoring professor
Stewie Harper,
scholar, philantropist,

and generous donor."
[BELL NOISE]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]